Unholy Charade - Jeff Crippen

Unmasking the Domestic Abuser in the Church

Author: Jeff Crippen Page 42 of 89

Some More Thoughts on Perpetual Victimhood

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On November 24, 2021

In Counseling

I have written recently on this topic of perpetual victimhood, but I believe it is necessary to keep this subject before all of us. I am running into it quite often. It concerns this business of therapy and counseling that keep abused people embracing an identity of being a victim. On and on the therapy goes and it keeps people enslaved.

Now I want to be careful to emphasize that we are not saying things like PTSD counseling and therapy do not have a place and are not helpful. Often, most of you know, I have recommended this to victims. HOWEVER, these things must never be an end in themselves and we must be on guard against unbiblical philosophies that can crop up in such counseling. I want to see victims truly healed and victorious over evil and never be snared by the man-centered “therapy” that is so common. There is no deliverance from injury if the remedy is wrong. If you break your leg you don’t want to keep it in a cast forever. And what I am warning against here is the wrong remedies that perpetuate victimhood but have no true cure to offer. Here is the only real and ultimate cure:

Joh 14:1 “Let not your hearts be troubled. Believe in God; believe also in me.

NOTE: Even though I believe I was quite clear in stating the aim of this article in the opening paragraphs above, emphasizing what I am NOT saying, we have still received several comments from people who apparently failed to read carefully, who have I assume not read my books, and who seem to be very unfamiliar with this ministry to abuse victims. In response, my friend who I quote just below, said this:

You (or I) never said victims shouldn’t have a voice or process what they’ve been through!! You of all people have given victims a voice. And as a counselor myself, I know that of course women have to process what they’ve experienced. You used the word “perpetual “ victim, not ignoring or dismissing the abuse, but getting victory over it. I just heard a testimony of a woman who experienced a lifetime of abuse, and after becoming born again, she went through Celebrate Recovery and has victory over it. Women who stay in victimhood are the ones who marry abusers over and over again. Even the last comment is an accusation of not wanting victims to come forward when that’s exactly what your ministry is all about. They haven’t read your books.

Alright the, here is the post.

A friend of mine recently commented on this matter of perpetual victimhood and here is what she said. This is wisdom so pay close heed:

Anytime someone tells me they have been in counseling, the hair on the back of my neck goes up. If they have been in counseling for years, then how come they are not better? Seeing women who are still victims [after all this prolonged therapy] gets me riled up. As you are teaching in Revelation, at the end of every letter to the churches the Lord says, ‘to the overcomer/victor/conqueror…’. It doesn’t say ‘to the one who ekes by and barely survives.’ I am not seeing women who are overcoming, being victorious, or conquering and yet His word says that we are to be! I’m sorry if that sounds harsh, but if we don’t overcome, then the devil wins.

This perpetual victimhood will eventually turn a victim into a mean, abusive person. Why? Because this kind of therapy is not biblical. It is idolatrous because it is the philosophy of me, myself and I. It teaches that it is all about YOU. I know this first hand because I have been on the receiving end of it more than once. Just say or do one thing that “triggers” such a person and they will pull the trigger on you.

My friend (who is a trained professional counselor by the way AND an abuse survivor herself) also said:

Where in the Word does it say, ‘oh poor you, you’ve been treated so horribly (which is true) and as you continue to wallow in that everyone is to understand and walk on eggshells around you.’ The Bible does not say this. It says do not be afraid, rise up, be the head and not the tail, and utterly destroy the real enemy.

‘No man shall be able to stand before you all the days of your life. Just as I was with Moses, so I will be with you. I will not leave you or forsake you. Be strong and courageous, for you shall cuase this people to inherit the land that I swore to their fathers to give them. Only be strong and very courageous, being careful to do according to all the law that Moses my servant commanded you. Do not turn from it to the right hand or to the left, that you may have good success wherever you go.’ [Joshua 1:5-7]

Micah 7:8 Rejoice not over me, O my enemy; when I fall, I shall rise; when I sit in darkness, the LORD will be a light to me.

Eph 6:10-18 Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might. (11) Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil. (12) For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places. (13) Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm. (14) Stand therefore, having fastened on the belt of truth, and having put on the breastplate of righteousness, (15) and, as shoes for your feet, having put on the readiness given by the gospel of peace. (16) In all circumstances take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming darts of the evil one; (17) and take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God, (18) praying at all times in the Spirit, with all prayer and supplication. To that end, keep alert with all perseverance, making supplication for all the saints…

And here is more wisdom for you yet. This comes from another friend of mine who is an abuse survivor and who is also a survivor of something even more serious than domestic abuse. She is a survivor of false Christianity and a false gospel which kept her deceived for many years. Listen to her carefully now:

I’ve come to see and understand more fully that people in perpetual counseling like this don’t want to be healed. That is, healed in Christ. They are not born again, nor are they seeking to be. They are happy to stay in the past and talk and talk and talk about themselves, their problems, their pain, what happened to them, etc… they can’t ever move on.

I love when Jesus asked that man “do you WANT to be healed?” Most people do not. You can see it clearly. They are getting comfort from counselors, not Christ. They are even bringing their children down the same dead road. They cannot see the glory of Christ at all because if they could, He would be drawing them closer to his wisdom, knowledge and Word. He is the only healer. They need to be made new creations and that’s not going to happen trying to get fixed by man.

Let me Tell You the Story of Randy

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On November 22, 2021

In Churches/Church Response

When I first came to our church here nearly 30 years ago, as I have told you previously, it was a mess. A mass of unconverted people who walked in sin and yet had been assured for years that they were surely fine Christians. One of those people was Randy.

Randy was a stalwart in the community. I was a newcomer, so even though people knew that Randy was no one they really wanted to associate much with, nevertheless they still gave him rank over me. That’s how these things work, as most of you know.

Randy was a liar. He was a fake and he was, well, a loser. He was a wannabe, putting himself off as a fine Christian, and yet he was anything but. Randy had connections though through other members of his family and he rode on their coat tails, seeking praise for himself yet never measuring up.

Well, as I said, Randy was a liar. I knew this firsthand because he lied to me. And it was a significant lie because in it Randy endangered the people in our church. When I told the church board about this, they blew me off. In fact, they acted quite upset that I would say such a thing about Randy. I was causing trouble for them, you know, just like a domestic abuse victim does when she reports her abuser church member to the pastor.

Randy eventually stormed out of the church one Sunday. Just before I began the worship service, he waltzed into my office, slapped a letter on my desk, and told me that I was going to have to find someone else to “carry on his ministry.” That “ministry,” by the way – if you can believe this – was to bring sex offenders from the local prison to our church services each week and leaving them unsupervised among us. Myself, the local police, and the prison officials put an end to this nonsense. How it ever got started I don’t know, but we told Randy it was over. So Randy wanted to get even. He quit, thinking he was dumping his ministry duties on us. Not real bright – there wasn’t going to be anymore “ministry” like this.

Well, the stalwarts in the church, including the church board members, were still Randy supporters. Here was a mess, as they saw it, that I had caused instead of just leaving things alone.

Fast forward now about 20 years. I received a phone call one day from a lady who had seen my book on domestic abusers hiding in churches and she wanted to talk to me. Turns out that, as we talked, I learned that she was married to – guess who – Randy. She told me about his abuse, how he ruined her economically, and other cruel ways he treated her. I could tell she was afraid of him.

And yet, THIS was the man who the church here 28 years ago, harbored. When his evil started to be exposed, what did the church leaders do? They protected him. Refused to confront him. And of course Randy, after he left our church, simply paraded on down the road to the next church where he was welcomed with open arms and lauded in later years as the most godly Christian anyone in that church knew. I warned the pastor about Randy. What do you suppose he said? You guessed it – he arrogantly told me that he was glad to have Randy in his church and that people often need to make a change and move on. And then I have no doubt that he went right out and told Randy I had called.

Christ sees it all. He walks among the lampstands of His churches. He sees. He knows. And one day it is all going to be broadcast for the entire universe to see and perfect judgment is going to be rended by the King of kings.

Twisted Theology Produces a Den of Abusers Parading as the church

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On November 18, 2021

In Churches/Church Response

With remarkable frequency we meet abuse victims, mostly Christians, who originally met their abuser in a local church. Or in a Christian college or similar setting. In the church! Why? How can this be?
Well, the answer is not only that abusers are exceptionally deceptive, but churches far and wide have embraced such unsound, twisted theology and warped handling of the Scriptures that evil, unregenerate people are readily embraced and pronounced “saved.” This is why, as we have said before, how we answer the apparently simple, but not so simple question—”Just who is a Christian?”—sets the course for what follows.

For those who live according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who live according to the Spirit set their minds on the things of the Spirit. For to set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace. For the mind that is set on the flesh is hostile to God, for it does not submit to God’s law; indeed, it cannot. Those who are in the flesh cannot please God. You, however, are not in the flesh but in the Spirit, if in fact the Spirit of God dwells in you. Anyone who does not have the Spirit of Christ does not belong to him. (Romans 8:5-9)

I know of a professedly “Christian” organization that repeatedly announces its “Christian” mission. It hammers that mission statement home to all of its employees and insists they get on board showing “the love of Jesus” to the world. And yet all kinds of vile language is habitually practiced and tolerated in this “ministry”. People who are in no way Christian, who don’t even profess to be Christian, are told to get on with the mission.

What does this tell us? It tells us that this “ministry” is in fact essentially universalistic in doctrine. That is to say, everyone is capable of being a Christian. Everyone is a Christian — as long as they mouth the “mission.” And this is precisely what is going on in so many local churches today. People who have not repented, who still walk in sin, but who mouth the right “Jesus” words on Sunday (or on Facebook) are pronounced saved and born again and the rest of us are told that the only real sin we could commit is to call such counterfeits on the carpet. That, you see, would be judgmental. And we must not be judgmental you know.

So what happens? The local church becomes the field of play for the wicked looking for an easy target. The soul of the wicked desires evil; his neighbor finds no mercy in his eyes (Prov 21:10). Here comes young Sally who has been taught all the typical distortions about love, forgiveness, patience, and submission and BAM! He sees her, gets his hooks into her, and you all know the rest of the story from there.

Jesus came to a den of thieves like this and cleaned house. It’s long past time that we do the same. To refuse to repent and throw out the soul-thieves, is to participate in their evil and to be condemned right along with them.

Isa 1:10-17 Hear the word of the LORD, you rulers of Sodom! Give ear to the teaching of our God, you people of Gomorrah! (11) “What to me is the multitude of your sacrifices? says the LORD; I have had enough of burnt offerings of rams and the fat of well-fed beasts; I do not delight in the blood of bulls, or of lambs, or of goats. (12) “When you come to appear before me, who has required of you this trampling of my courts? (13) Bring no more vain offerings; incense is an abomination to me. New moon and Sabbath and the calling of convocations— I cannot endure iniquity and solemn assembly. (14) Your new moons and your appointed feasts my soul hates; they have become a burden to me; I am weary of bearing them. (15) When you spread out your hands, I will hide my eyes from you; even though you make many prayers, I will not listen; your hands are full of blood. (16) Wash yourselves; make yourselves clean; remove the evil of your deeds from before my eyes; cease to do evil, (17) learn to do good; seek justice, correct oppression; bring justice to the fatherless, plead the widow’s cause.

You Must be Born Again

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On November 15, 2021

In Biblical Teaching

This post is a text I received from our friend Christy. She lives in the “Bible belt” where everyone is a Christian, you know. She wrote this to me because she is seeing, correctly, that being a victim of domestic abuse does not mean the victim is a Christian. If any of us are going to hear Christ’s voice, the voice of the Good Shepherd (see John 10), then we must be born again. Here then is what Christy wrote in this regard:

So I grew up with that arminianism teaching. It was easy peasy Christianity. Most of my adult life was in the United Methodist Church in North Carolina. Went to the Billy Graham museum like everyone else and was in awe. So I probably was in church for 20 years and never heard the full counsel of God, never heard the depravity of man, the doctrines of grace, original sin, the Kingdom of God, etc.

In 2015, I escaped my abuser and found Christ Reformation Church. I started listening to your sermons and can’t stop! I’m finally understanding the effectual call to saving faith and repentance.

I went through so much anger with the church for not teaching what’s in the Bible. I had no clue. I was so ignorant. Here I was teaching 3rd grade SS, doing VBS, committees, all these dead works. At one point I was doing work for 5 different churches because I was afraid to say “no” to God. Everyone took advantage of me. Church was so much work, it was so hard. It wore me out.

Here I was, I had “accepted Jesus” and thought I was saved. What a crock!!! If God had not sent me a wicked evil “Christian” hiding in the church, to make me question everything, I would still be sitting there in that pew with a smile on the outside, but nothing but a miserable guilty sinner on the inside.

What REALLY got my attention, and this is my point- The teachings that I needed to hear were the foundational ones. The Genesis ones… Original Sin, Pollution, The Fall, The Consequences. I can’t tell you how SHOCKED I was when I first heard you and Martyn Lloyd-Jones tell me that I was born with a polluted evil nature. I wasn’t good. I was guilty and didn’t even have the ability to chose God. WHAT??? That was astounding to me.

I think that a lot (most UMC church for sure) don’t teach total depravity. They don’t lay a foundation of man’s original condition. I’m just wondering how many people out there think they have heard the full gospel, but really haven’t (like I was)? I think most churches think it’s too offensive to teach the Fall. This is soooooo vital. How can you become a new creation when you don’t even know what you changed from?

So my idea for your consideration would be to do a little bible study series that you can point people to (like you to with 1 John) that would be like MLJ “Great Biblical Doctrines”. Except you wouldn’t have to go though the whole bible like he did (he spent 3 years, hehe). Start at the beginning and really hammer the depravity. Go back and listen to how great MLJ teachings were. Funny when you first hear this stuff you are shocked. Then later on you love it so much and can’t get enough. We love hearing how wicked we were because God saved us from the wrath we deserved.–

And there it is. You must be born again. Apart from the new birth, you will not have faith to believe God’s promises. You will not be able to hear Christ’s voice. You will be without hope and without God.

And a third Piece of Wisdom (from Lynn)

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On November 10, 2021

In Abusers, Counseling

Here is a third excerpt from our friend Lynn’s comment last week that is well worth highlighting here in a separate post. Here it is:

Charm and charisma are super deceptive. Charisma is not character. The more charming and charismatic someone is, the higher of a risk you are in being taken advantage of – especially in church settings. They flatter. They deceive. They coax seemingly harmless information out of you that becomes a weapon to harm you once they’ve gotten what they’ve came for. I’ve learned to be very skeptical of those with charisma. Few may have good motives, but most don’t. They use that skill to get what they want and then move on to their next target.

Boundaries can save your life. They are the litmus test for how genuine your relationship with the other person is. If the other person balks when you set a boundary, you’ve seen where their care for you ends and where their own agenda begins. It’s healthy for you to say no to the people and things that do not serve you. God doesn’t require you to punish yourself by staying in a marriage, family, job, or any other relationship with someone who is abusing you. Make a plan to walk away if that’s the only way for you to get free. It will take wisdom and strategy if you find yourself in that place to get free, but it is so worth it. It’s made a world of difference in my life in the last 3 years.

Mutual reciprocity is a mandatory requirement for my relationships. As someone who tends to give more than I get in my relationships, I’ve decided that the relationships that I will invest in require both parties to be giving and getting from the relationship. I can’t be the only one calling, texting, and keeping the relationship alive. Those who love you should be willing to make an effort to contribute to the health of the relationship. Are there times when one person might do more than the other? Sure. But if it becomes a pattern, then be careful, it’s revealing the character of the other person and how they feel about you.

I could write much more about these points, but let me just comment on the last one because it is one that has been a repeated trap for me. When we have to be, as Lynn said, the one keeping a friendship/relationship alive, when WE have to be the spark plug that must fire if anything is ever going to happen, then something is terribly wrong. This is not the mark of a healthy relationship. I know that I have often kept blowing on the embers simply because I sensed that if I didn’t, the fire would die out. But then, what kind of friendship is that? A toxic one.

Lynn ended her comment with these words:

Trust your gut. If you get a weird feeling from someone, pay attention to it. Your body is trying to warn you. It knows something’s wrong. One of my biggest regrets is ignoring those warnings and having some very painful emotional, spiritual, and financial abuse as a result of it. When you want to belong and be loved, it’s easy to dismiss those warnings. We are wired for human connection. The challenge is for those of us who’ve been chronically abused, is that our baseline is screwed up. What we know to be “normal” is actually abusive. Fortunately, we don’t have to stay there. Just like how we learned the bad patterns as children, we can learn new patterns and rewire the brain to respond to them instead of the bad ones.

In Christ, there is freedom from that abuse. The scriptures help us renew our minds so we can grow in wisdom and become spiritually mature. In prayer, we communicate with God sharing all of who we are, asking for his wisdom, justice, and righteousness to prevail, trusting that no matter the outcome – whether it’s here or in eternity – the abusers will get their just end.

A Second Vital truth (from Lynn)

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On November 8, 2021

In Abusers

Here is another great insight taken from Lynn’s recent comment. Like the first, I want to highlight this one because it is so important. Here you go:

A big part of why I was so vulnerable was I longed for a place to belong and people who would love me for me, not what I could do for them. Growing up where love was transactional and the bar to meet it was constantly moving left me feeling unloved and unworthy of love. While I knew that God loves me, it’s taken me a while to believe it because many who profess the name of Christ aren’t saved. They don’t want to do the work of loving the brethren because that requires real effort, commitment, and sacrifice. They want their comfy lives where it doesn’t cost them much to be a Christian, while the victims of abuse languish. Or they use their generosity as a tool for manipulation and control.

Fierce loneliness and desire for human connection was a tool that the enemy exploited for a long time in my life. I’d share personal information too quickly in a relationship in order to try and make genuine connections. That choice left me vulnerable to untrustworthy people who used that information to get their own needs met at the expense of my own.

Oh man, how many times I have blown it in regard to this trap. When we follow Christ, we are not going to be popular. Like, for instance, the Apostle Paul – we can find ourselves quite alone and that loneliness can make us very vulnerable. Add to this toxic mix that wicked people will act like they love us when in fact all they are doing is using us because they see us as being in a position to do for them. As a pastor I have fallen for this one over and over. And guess what? The second you become of no use to them, you are dumped – in the blink of an eye. “Fierce loneliness and desire for human connection is a tool that the enemy will exploit.” Truth! Beware.

Some Very Important Points (from Lynn)

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On November 3, 2021

In Biblical Teaching, False Teaching

Lynn, our friend who follows this blog, recently made a lengthy comment in response to the post which asked if we are stupid if we repeatedly get duped by evil. I want to highlight the points Lynn made in several articles so that each one gets maximum exposure. Thank you Lynn. These points helped me quite a lot as well.

So here is the first:

It is critical that you diligently study the Bible and compare what anyone else says to scripture. Test the spirit of the person to see if they’re from God. Getting the right handling of the core doctrines of faith is key, but you mustn’t stop there. It’s about the practical application of those doctrines that reveal the heart of a person. Become wise about the nature of evil, what it looks like. Many of us have been trapped by twisted theology that has kept us in bondage because we didn’t fully understand the nature of evil and how it parades itself as an angel of light. Be willing to mine your past experiences to see what lessons you can learn from them so that you stop repeating the patterns that are resulting in you being abused. Knowing what not to do is just as powerful as knowing what to do.

This is why I increasingly have been encouraging abuse victims and others to go to the Christ Reformation Church youtube channel and start going through the 1 John Bible study series there. We also have other video series too but 1 John is a great starter because it will help you sort out all the false unbiblical, well, garbage, that most of us have been taught in church.

It really is true – we MUST study Scripture ourselves and compare what others are claiming the Bible says with what we ourselves read. You can also grab a copy of my book Wise as Serpents off of Amazon and read it as a help in wising up about evil. For example, a huge barrier that keeps victims in abuse is that they have been told that their abuser is a Christian, just like he claims. He isn’t, and the Bible plainly says so. Once you realize that, other things start to become much clearer.

Here then is the first point Lynn made. The next post will have another insight into lessons she learned in the school of hard knocks.

I Have Married three Abusers — Am I stupid?

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On November 1, 2021

In Victims

The woman said to him, “Sir, give me this water, so that I will not be thirsty or have to come here to draw water.” Jesus said to her, “Go, call your husband, and come here.” The woman answered him, “I have no husband.” Jesus said to her, “You are right in saying, ‘I have no husband’; for you have had five husbands, and the one you now have is not your husband. What you have said is true.” (John 4:15-18)

Over the years in this ministry to abuse victims we have been fairly regularly contacted by victims who are not only presently married to an abuser but who have been married previously to other abusers. And in most cases they are asking themselves, “Just how stupid can I be?” Or, “What is wrong with me?” Or, “Am I going to be alone for the rest of my life?”  These questions and more.

I suspect many of you who follow this blog can relate very well to this scenario. And many people who are ignorant of abuse and abusers will be quick to answer those questions  — “Well, yes, you must be stupid.”  “Yes, there surely is something wrong with you.” But in reality all that has happened in most of these cases is that a wicked, deceiving person came along, identified some vulnerability in his target, capitalized on it, and deceived her (or him).  All of us have had that deception dupe us in some relationship or other and most often more than once.

Was the Samaritan woman at the well a loose woman who went from man to man? That is usually what is claimed, but surely there is a very high probability that she was the victim of deceiving, using men and she was an easy target for them.  Why? Might I suggest it was because she was “thirsty,” but she was looking for the wrong kind of water to quench that thirst.  John 4 is the record of that day when Living Water met her and she was never the same again.

Yes, I would suggest that a victim who has been duped by abusers several times does need to look within herself. Not to blame, but to try to understand what it is that is making her so vulnerable to evil ones. Does she fear being alone? Does she believe she is just rather worthless if a man doesn’t want her? Maybe she is just too naive about evil? Often she is just plain too “nice.” None of these possibilities is sin, but each one is certainly dangerous.

It seems to me that a woman who has been repeatedly abused in a sequence of “marriages” must be somewhat similar to the traumatized rape victim. Through deception and guile the rapist drew her in, used her by force, and cast her away. Or if she is still with the abuser, he is killing her slowly, just as a rapist so often murders his victim.

We know numbers of women who have been through this chain of abusive marriages, and I am sure that they could be greatly helped by our readers, especially those who have had the same experience. What have you discovered about why this happened to you? Did you have some awakening moments when some truth jumped out at you that helped you? How can a victim of this serial abuse make some changes to break out of this cycle of being a target?

More Thoughts on Getting Free from Victimhood

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On October 27, 2021

In Counseling, Getting Free

I want this blog to be a safe place for victims of abuse. A place where they will be believed. A place to tell their stories. To learn about the nature and tactics of evil so they can better understand what has been happening to them and get free.

But I also want you all to be free. Not just physically free of your abuser but emotionally and I suppose most importantly, spiritually free. And there is a trap that keeps us from freedom if we get sucked into it. Many abuse victims do. It is the trap of perpetual victimhood. Of embracing being a victim as one’s identity. It can sneak up on you and won’t even realize it.

One of my friends survived horrid abuse, was ex-communicated from her church for getting free of her abuser, and still suffers many physical ills as a result of the abuse. And yet, she is free to enjoy who she is in reality – in Christ. Here are some things she wrote to me recently about the trap of spinning our wheels and permitting an oppressor to continue to keep us in bondage because we adopt the name “victim” for ourselves rather than finding our real personhood in Christ. Here is real wisdom. Listen and remember: these words are coming from people who want to see you healed and free and who want to warn you about this danger. Don’t conclude that we are in any way denying the wickedness of what has happened to you.

My friend said:

Some victims have a need to stay stuck and to be babied as victims instead of growing up in Christ. They are carnal and desire to embrace what has happened to them and live by their “feelings and emotions”, rather than handling it how God would have them handle it.

If you ever offend this perpetual victim, you automatically become an abuser. They lack truth and don’t know who the real enemy is behind abuse and then they make their identity about what happened to them instead of what God says about them. I was like that, but God changed that. Thank goodness! 

Victims who are held down by Satan cannot stand for the Word to be used adequately to bring them to forgiveness and out of bitterness. It’s a work of Satan playing on suffering and on the poor me syndrome. I understand needing time for the light to come on and work through things, but it’s actually become an excuse for such people to be bitter and to sin – to even abuse others themselves.

They want a message that makes them feel good about remaining stuck. They need victim strokes. I get it, but pretty soon such people get weird about it and everyone is an abuser and everything is abuse. The focus is no longer what God can do to heal us and use it for good, it’s about everybody having to pay them back for what they suffered. That’s because their identity is in what happened to them, not in Christ. 

Remember how your abuser made you feel? How you had to be constantly tip-toeing around and walking on egg shells lest you get blasted or accused, blamed or worse? Now, we must take great care that WE do not start doing that ourselves to others. And that is exactly what will happen if we choose perpetual victimhood.

And what do you suppose is going to happen if a perpetual victim launches out into counseling others? They aren’t free themselves. They have not embraced an identity in Christ. So all they are going to do is bring those they counsel into the same bondage they are in. This is why we discourage people who have been abuse victims from launching out too quickly into their own ministry of helping other victims. I understand the desire to do so, but we must be quite sure that we are really healed and free ourselves before we can lead others into freedom.

Like produces like. You don’t want to replicate your victimhood in someone else. Christ is Victor. He has defeated the devil. He wants His people to be free, and that freedom is only going to come when we see clearly who we really are in Him.

Rom 8:37-39 No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. (38) For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, (39) nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Words of Wisdom About Abuse

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On October 25, 2021

In Abusers, Counseling

My friend Joenne posted this on her facebook page and I asked her if I could post it here. This is truth here. Thank you Joenne!

October is Domestic Abuse Awareness month, so just a little food for thought. I am not angry, bitter or unforgiving toward anyone, God has simply made me strong in His power, has healed me and will continue to strengthen and heal me.

When people tell you that your abuser “never says anything bad about you” but that you “don’t have much good to say about them”, tell them this, because this is what good psychologists and counselors say about that:“Well, the abuser wasn’t abused or traumatized by anyone, in anyway, nor left with C-PTSD or emotionally abused to the point of breaking, so why would they have anything bad to say about the people who were their victims? Their victims didn’t do anything to them.” Then contemplate that perhaps you are just being manipulated and perhaps the abuser has plenty bad to say, they just don’t say it to you because they want to look good to you and keep you as their flying monkey.

Also contemplate the difference between human sins and failings and abuse. They are not the same. Abusers desire to make the failings of their victims equal to their abuse of them, but there is no comparison. Burning the toast, spending too much money, being weary, making a bad choice, being depressed, not wanting to be intimate with your abuser or just being angry at being abused, are not abuse, nor do those things cause trauma in someone.

The fracturing that happens to abuse survivors is mostly due to physiological changes in their brains, due to the abuse. It is not just emotional or spiritual. The brain itself changes when someone is being abused, especially in long-term abuse. Survivors of trauma need to talk about it in order to heal. Just be sure you are talking to one or two people you are safe with and don’t allow your brain to spew information to others who are only there to judge you.

People who have deep trauma may do things they would not ordinarily do, that even they don’t understand. That is because the brain is injured cognitively as well, when someone is deeply traumatized. They are living in a blinding fog, meant to actually protect the brain from further injury. So don’t be shocked when a trauma survivor does things you would not expect from them. Instead of getting into a religious and spiritually abusive mode, maybe try reaching out to them and love them like Christ commands us to. They will heal over time, much better if they are loved through it.

I had to have neuro-psychology testing done last year for the illness I now bear, in order to get a cognitive baseline to watch for advancing disease. They take a basic, but not in depth, history of your life. After I gave my history, the doctor said to me, “You know why you are physically sick and having brain issues, right?” I began explaining the illness and he stopped me and said, “It’s because you have had so much trauma in your life. We now know that deep trauma causes things in the immune system and brain to change physiologically, and that is why you have become so ill”.

I wish Christians were not so quick to judge outwardly, but to love people as they are commanded by God and stop throwing people away. I have learned so much from all I have gone through and while others may judge, God has healed and I am looking forward to the ministry He has prepared me for, to help others know the true Gospel so we can begin helping the wounded instead of making them sacrifices to our sinful spiritual abuse of them. What you intended to do to harm me, God intended for good and has used for my own good and His glory, to help many people and bring the truth of the Gospel and how to live it, to many. May God heal all survivors’ spirits. That is all.

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