Anything you say can and will be used against you.
Mat 26:59-61 Now the chief priests and the whole council were seeking false testimony against Jesus that they might put him to death, (60) but they found none, though many false witnesses came forward. At last two came forward (61) and said, “This man said, ‘I am able to destroy the temple of God, and to rebuild it in three days.’”
Most of you know by now, either from reading on the subject of domestic abuse or simply by hard experience, that the typical approach to “marriage troubles” is the prescription of marriage counseling. And that means of course, having both husband and wife come into the counseling sessions together. For healthy marriages in which the spouses genuinely desire to learn more about how God wants them to love one another, raise up their children in Christ, and so on – this approach may have some value. I say “may have” because so much of what is put off as “biblical counseling” just isn’t.
BUT, when you are dealing with an evil person as one spouse in a marriage, couple’s counseling is gasoline on the fire. It provides ammunition for the evil one to use against the victim. And let me tell you why.
When we honestly share our thoughts and feelings with another person, that trust entails taking a really big risk. It assumes that the person we are sharing with will recognize the trust we are extending to them and they will guard that trust carefully, using it only for our good.
The wicked do not guard this trust. They use it as a weapon.
So, when a victim of abuse, for example, at the encouragement of a counselor (“speak honestly. Share what is on your heart. Tell your spouse what you are thinking”) when the victim opens up, it is like handing a loaded gun to the abuser. Just like the Pharisees searching and searching for some accusation, the wicked spouse’s goal is to accuse, blame, and shame.
Honesty, you see, is not always the best policy. The wicked are not to be entrusted with the treasure of our trust. And yet this is exactly what normally is encouraged in couple’s counseling. You can be sure that your honest words will be used against you. Especially if that honesty entails some type of confession of a sin or failure or mistake. Let me give you an example.
When I first came to this church here in Tillamook, it was a hotbed of counterfeit Christians. There was literally no peace from the very first day. The attacks began immediately from people who demanded power and control and who disguised themselves as eminently holy types. This all, needless to say, weighed me down. One day a fellow who had rarely attended the church and who really was unknown to me, committed suicide by overdose. I visited the hospital while he was still in a coma but of course was unable to talk to him. By this time, in this atmosphere of constant accusations and darts of attack, I was wearing a considerable degree of false guilt. So, the Sunday after this man died, at the beginning of my sermon, I told the congregation that I had not been diligent enough to visit them one by one, including this man who was now dead. Of course what carnal people like this really want is a happy social club, special attention from the pastor, and so on – they don’t want the preaching of the Word. But, I wore that cloak of false guilt and made confession of it.
Well, some months later during another Sunday service, the “leader of the pack” stormed up to the podium during the service and began to rant and rail and accuse me of not appreciating his efforts in building the church building and on and on he went, finally storming out while muttering it was time for him to leave the church. Of course what he expected was for everyone to come to his cause and give me the boot. That didn’t happen.
But what I wanted to point out here is that during this evil man’s rant, he said “why, HE (meaning me) admitted by his own mouth that he didn’t go visit the (dead guy) often enough.” So I was to blame for the suicide, you see. And this is exactly what happens when we share honestly with the wicked. They use our trust against us. They use our honest, humble words to try to alienate others from us and to put the blame for all the troubles on our shoulders.
And THAT is the primary reason why couple’s counseling is a setup. Don’t fall for it. Don’t trust the devil.