Unholy Charade - Jeff Crippen

Unmasking the Domestic Abuser in the Church

Author: Jeff Crippen Page 1 of 89

Abusers/RASNs as Users

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On August 4, 2026

In Abusers, Evil

2Ti 3:1-2 But realize this, that in the last days difficult times will come. (2) For men will be lovers of self, lovers of money, boastful, arrogant, revilers, disobedient to parents, ungrateful, unholy,

Sin is about self. Self is first. Self is its own god. Self serves itself at the expense of others. And this is why one of the characteristic marks of a RASN (reviler, abuser, sociopath, narcissist) is using others. Wicked people such as domestic abusers and the other categories of evil ones only see themselves. The only notice they take of others is as tools whose existence is only justified in being used.

It is very easy for us to miss this quality of evil, and thus we end up being used. Evil is marked by unthankfulness. RASNs are ungrateful. They expect everyone else to serve them and if that service is denied, the fangs come out.

Example – There was once a man, a professing Christian who actually worked as a “Christian” counselor and who had graduated from seminary, who was a member of our church here. He was a board member when I arrived. He had preached on occasion when the church was without a pastor. But there were signs that all was not as it appeared. His marriage, for instance, was, well, let’s just say – odd. The first time his anger at me showed was when he asked me (he was in his 70’s) to drive him in my own vehicle 100 miles (one way) to a location where he had stored some of his possessions. Why? Because he wanted to get an old bathroom sink from there for his house. The think was obviously impractical – he could buy a used sink locally, or even a new one, for less than a 200 mile trip would cost. So I declined to do this. Fangs. “Do you mean that as my pastor, you are saying that you won’t do this for me?” And this was by no means the only time he acted this way. Eventually, after telling me some months later that I was not qualified to be a pastor, he left the church.

This is just one of many, many such examples of “using” that I could give, and I am sure you have examples from you own experiences. Abusers are users. They demand to be served. And this using can easily go under our abuser-detection radar if we are not up to speed on it. A person can wear a “fine Christian holy saint” disguise, but when we see this trait of using others, of demanding to be served, it is time for the red warning lights to start flashing.

A Message for Critics of an Online Church

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On July 18, 2026

In Churches/Church Response

Heb 10:23-25 Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful; (24) and let us consider how to stimulate one another to love and good deeds, (25) not forsaking our own assembling together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another; and all the more as you see the day drawing near.

These verses are often quoted as an argument against online church membership. And I get it. There are indeed people who do forsake the assembling together and instead just watch “church” online. They don’t want to bother getting out of bed, getting dressed, being around people, and many simply do not want any kind of accountability. But before anyone immediately dismisses the possibility of a valid online church membership, please listen to some things you probably are not aware of.

For the past 12 years our church which I have pastored now for 33 years, has had a ministry to domestic abuse victims, most all Christians, who have also been grossly mistreated by their local church and pastor(s). Some have been ex-communicated for divorcing. These are not flaky “Christians” who do not desire real fellowship in a church. Hardly. They have looked and looked and searched and searched for a real church in their area and come up empty time and time again. Anyone who is a genuine Christian, who desires a true church and a true pastoral ministry knows exactly what this frustration is. In these last days the true church is getting harder and harder to find. If you are satisfied with superficiality, with milk instead of meat, then you won’t understand what I am talking about.

What has been our experience in this online, livestreaming ministry? I will tell you. It has connected us with some of the most Godly Christians I have known. We have real fellowship. How is that possible, you ask? Because we communicate with one another every week – often multiple times. We know the members “out there” are joining us on Sundays. They diligently follow our livestreamed Bible studies (currently on #146, Romans Study). And they are growing in Christ.

Recently one of our online members was suddenly taken ill and hospitalized. Our entire church family knew it, all prayed for him, all rejoiced at his recovery. We KNOW one another. And furthermore, several of our distant members have traveled out here and met us face to face.

But what about those verses in Hebrews 10? Let me tell you. The instruction is that we gather together with the saints, encouraging one another to love and good deeds. I suggest that many if not most people who profess to be Christians and are church members, who walk through the church doors on Sundays, have never had the level of Christian fellowship that we have here, including with our distant members. I have had critics tell me that all online churches are unbiblical. All. Really? So, let’s carry their objections out a bit. Are they saying that a member of the church at Laodicea is fulfilling Hebrews 10 while the distant members of our church are not? Note that these verses speak of gathering together with one another. Who are the one another? Christians. Real Christians. The saints. And I can tell you that there are many, many local “in person” churches that have hardly any regenerate people in them at all. THAT is where the critics’ complaint should be.

Have you ever given thought to the Apostle Paul’s ministry? Do you realize that there were Christians and churches who had never, ever seen him face to face. So, how did he minister to them? “Online!” He wrote to them. Don’t you think that if he had had the technology we have today that he would have used it?

We always, of course, are glad if one of our distant members does finally find a true church where God’s Word is genuinely preached. But the reality is that in these last days we may very well be in the beginnings of that great apostasy Paul told the Thessalonians would come before the Antichrist appears. That means we can expect the remnant to be even smaller and harder to find.

So, please do not do what one guy did recently to me. Don’t unleash your ignorance regarding this subject if you know nothing about it. And in reality, few people really do know.

The Psychology of Favoritism

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On July 14, 2026

In Churches/Church Response, Counseling

But when Cephas came to Antioch, I opposed him to his face, because he stood condemned. (Galatians 2:11)

We all like to believe that we would be objective and impartial whenever we might be faced with a situation in which we need to make a judgment. Some such judgments are simpler than others. Black or white. Right or wrong. Clarity is, well, more clear in those scenarios. But then there are other cases.

I would like to believe that if the wife of a church member or elder or one of my friends came to me and reported that her husband is not the man I think he is. That he is a RASN (reviler, abuser, sociopath, narcissist) and has been abusive to her for years…I would like to think that I would respond in an objective, impartial manner. But…

We are all affected by elements that fog up our ability to respond with objectivity and justice. The RASN might be (by virtue of his disguise) someone I have long considered to be my friend, a fellow Christian, a faithful elder in the church. He might have many other relationships with people in my circle – in the church, for instance. Or perhaps he is an apparently faithful member of the church, a generous tither for instance. In other words, the person I “know” is not the person his wife/victim is describing to me. My “default” setting in such a situation is not going to revert to just objectivity. My judgment is going to be clouded by many factors. But, unlike a judge in a criminal case, I cannot just “recuse” myself and hand the matter over to someone else.

We (pastors especially) need to own up to our bias. It hides in our thinking. It is not obvious. We can actually be very, unjust, very biased, and not even know it! We can think we see clearly when in fact our sight is quite clouded by all kinds of factors.

In the verse quoted above, we see that the Apostle Paul did see clearly. Peter was an apostle and I assume a friend of Paul’s. But no matter. By the Holy
Spirit in him, Paul saw Peter’s sin clearly. His response was truthful and just. In the presence of all he called Peter out. And then – don’t miss this – Peter was then enabled to see clearly and repent, as were all the others. We do not want to be the blind leading the blind.

We need to train ourselves. When confronted with these kinds of situations, we need to be disciplined and conduct a bit of self-examining interrogation. What is my relationship with this person the victim is describing? How might my judgment be clouded? What factors could be coloring my ability to be objective? And then we need to exercise courage – do what is right – no matter what the cost.

The Most Important Thing for us All

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On June 26, 2026

In Biblical Teaching, Counseling

So Jesus was saying to those Jews who had believed Him, “If you continue in My word, then you are truly disciples of Mine; and you will know the truth, and the truth will make you free.” (Joh 8:31-32)

I just sat down to write another blog post entitled “Ab-Users are Users.” I will write that one soon, but I feel that I need to address something that is even more important than exposing the tactics and evils of domestic abusers. That something is in regard to our personal growth in Christ.

It is very important that we all grow in our knowledge of evil, of Satan’s tactics, and how his servants operate. Only then can we come to understand the bondage that RASNs (revilers, abusers, sociopaths, narcissists) put us in. But we dare not remain in this stage of the discovery of evil and end up focusing our energies and attention on, for instance, domestic abusers. To do that is to remain stuck in a rut – a rut that is actually still short of true freedom.

The beginning of our journey must be, of course, coming to know the Lord Jesus Christ. Being born again. Being made a new creation by Him. We must be, in other words, Christians. In Christ. God’s true children. You must be born again. And that is only something the Lord can do. Our part? The tax-collector’s prayer answers that question – God, be merciful to me, the sinner.

But then, when we know that we are new creations, that we are no longer who we used to be, that God in His mercy through Christ has granted us faith and repentance and a new mind and heart, the journey has really just begun. To grow in Christ, to advance in holiness and Godly wisdom, we must apply ourselves to certain disciplines which are often called the means of grace – prayer, the study of God’s Word, fellowship with true Christians. (If you cannot find a true church or a fellowship of genuine Christians, email me and I will tell you have numbers of Godly people have joined us here at Christ Reformation Church even though they live far away). But it is here where so many people who profess to be Christians drop the ball.

Let’s focus on the vastly important discipline of reading, studying, and knowing God’s Word – the Bible. Over and over again I tell people to be certain that they apply themselves to scripture. That they open their Bible, read it carefully, and find a Godly teacher to help them in this work. God has given us pastors and teachers for this very thing. We have to find a real one (there are many false teachers), but we must find true Bible teaching and apply ourselves to it. I cannot think of a better one that Martyn Lloyd-Jones. You can buy his books. You can go online to the Martyn Lloyd-Jones trust site where there are hundreds of his sermons and lectures – each one taking us carefully through God’s Word.

And this is also my reason for putting my own sermons and Bible studies online at our Youtube channel, Light for Dark Times, Jeff Crippen. There is a full series there on the Gospel of John, on First John, on Ephesians, and I am now up to the 141st lesson on Romans. There are also many sermon series there. You sit down, open up your Bible, and be taught. Much of what I teach I have learned with the help of Lloyd-Jones. It is there. You must use this or MLJ’s channel – but you must buckle down and step by step go through the Bible.

Only by putting yourself to the task will you grow. The alternative is to remain like the people the Apostle to the Hebrews rebuked for still sucking on a baby’s milk bottle. Infancy is real life is dangerous. Remaining a baby spiritually is a thousand times more dangerous. Professing Christians are falling by the thousands and thousands today because they are lazy, they aren’t being good soldiers of Christ, and the enemy comes along and scoops them up.

Don’t be one of those. Your task as a Christian is not to give your entire energies and life to the subject of domestic abuse. It is to know Christ, to know His truth. Because in the end, real freedom only comes from that truth.

Why do we so quickly say, ‘I’m Sorry’?

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On June 2, 2026

In Abusers, RASN

Rev 12:10 Then I heard a loud voice in heaven, saying, “Now the salvation, and the power, and the kingdom of our God and the authority of His Christ have come, for the accuser of our brethren has been thrown down, he who accuses them before our God day and night.

Notice from this verse (and others) that Satan accuses Christ’s people. He has been thrown out of heaven, but you can be sure that he will uses whatever channels he can to accuse us. This is different than the operation of our conscience. This is the enemy working to cast guilt and shame on those he wants to destroy.

RASNs (revilers, abusers, sociopaths, narcissists) are servants of the devil. So it is not surprising that they use this same evil tactic of accusing their targeted victim. Most all of you know that a RASN is never wrong. RASNs use their accusatory missiles to tell us that WE are the guilty ones, that WE are to blame – you get the picture.

Now, when these fiery darts of accusation come at us, because evil so so deceiving and blinding, our first response is often to say – “I’m sorry.” Many abuse victims can be heard to say these two words countless times each day. They have been programmed by the evil coming at them to accept fault.

Why does this happen? That is to say, why do we so quickly respond to a RASN with “I’m sorry”? Let me suggest some reasons:

  • We do not naturally understand evil and its tactics.
  • We do not understand the mindset of the RASN
  • We do not initially grasp the fact that the RASN accusing us is lying
  • We do not easily understand that the RASN in our life is in fact an enemy. It is difficult to realize that this person who has professed to be our friend or spouse is in reality out to destroy us.
  • We do not quickly realize that in fact we have done nothing wrong, but we are made to feel convicted because of the RASNs accusations.
  • WE do not realize WHO and WHAT this accuser really is. Satan’s servants can disguise themselves as sons of righteousness.

The list could go on – I am sure many of you could add to it.

Perhaps we should work on training ourselves to slow down when some accusation or blaming comes at us. Slow down. An answer need not be give immediately. Take some time to think things through. To examine yourself. To revisit your motives in respect to the thing someone is accusing you of.

For myself, I have said “I’m sorry” too quickly many times when in fact I had done nothing wrong. I regret accepting blame so quickly. It takes some time to think back, consider the facts, and also to examine very carefully what the motives of our accuser might really be. In particular, we should be quite slow to accept any blame or believe any accusation that is coming from someone who fires these kinds of guilt-missiles our way rather frequently.

Blind Rage Makes the Fool Blind

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On May 28, 2026

In Abusers

Luke 4:28-29 And all the people in the synagogue were filled with rage as they heard these things; (29) and they got up and drove Him out of the city, and led Him to the brow of the hill on which their city had been built, in order to throw Him down the cliff.

I find the phrase “blind rage” quite interesting and worth giving some thought to. Why this adjective? Blind? Most of you have been the object of the RASN’s rage (reviler, abuser, sociopath, narcissist), and though you may not have realized it at the time, that rage made the RASN to be a fool.

Consider the verses quoted above. This mob was filled with rage at Christ and in that rage became murderous. They would have thrown him off a cliff if not for the Lord’s divine intervention. They had the Son of God, their promised Messiah, right there among them, yet they raged at the truth He preached to them and in that rage were blind to all else except their intense lust to kill Him. Blind. Blind to His Person and glory.

RASNs rage. Perhaps in somewhat different ways. Some of them rage more silently than others, but nevertheless the flames of rage are there within. And as – is it exaggeration to say “always”? – as it always is with rage, a blindness is produced.

Blindness to what? What is it that the raging RASN doesn’t see? I suggest that what is unseen is the consequences of his rage. Raging blindness is blind because it focuses on one thing and one thing only – vengeance. Revenge. It does not see the truth of the person or words it rages against. It does not see the outcome/results of choosing to rage instead of repenting. It does not see the destruction it will produce. It is blind to all of this because it only sees punishment of the one it rages against. It is blind rage.

Domestic abusers, for instance, when they rage, are blind to the reality that causing trouble for their victim at, for instance, the victim’s workplace, is going to result in the abuser’s own financial loss. When they rage and blindly seek revenge through the courts, they fail to see their own financial loss. In their rage they are blind to the truth that their victim spouse is a wonderfully gifted, talented, and loyal person who should be seen as a jewel to be cherished. No matter. They are blind. They rage. Vengeance, punishment, these are all that matter.

The result? Not only pain and hurt for their victim, but great loss for the RASN himself. I wonder how many such ragers at some point, when the consequences of their blind rage come home, think, “I may not have thought this thing through”? Probably not very many. The blindness lingers long.

Blind rage is a chief reason RASNs are fools. It makes a fool out of the one raging. It even would kill the very Savior sent for the fool’s own salvation.

The RASN is Worse than a Fool

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On May 10, 2026

In Abusers, Biblical Teaching

Do you see a man wise in his own eyes? There is more hope for a fool than for him. (Pro 26:12)

Clearly a RASN (reviler, abuser, sociopath, narcissist) is a person who is wise in his own eyes. If you doubt that, just ask him or her. This kind is unteachable. After all, if someone regards themselves as wiser than anyone else, then plainly they believe they “know it all” and thus have no need to be taught. And of course if everyone else is a fool, then certainly the RASN is not going to be taught by a fool.

The scripture above however says that anyone who is wise in their own eyes is a fool’s fool. That is to say, this pseudo-wise man is more of a fool than the most foolish buffoon to be found. A fool is a person who is devoid of knowledge. Stupid. And his stupidity leads him to foolish decisions. But the Lord says that the RASN is worse than the buffoon. There is more hope to teach and help a fool than there is to do the same for the RASN.

I have often told you that RASNs never change, and this scripture supports that conclusion. Think about it. If the toxic person in your life is a mere fool, there exists some degree of hope that they can be shown their folly, turn from it, and change. But the Lord is telling us here that the RASN – a person wise in their own eyes – has much less hope of change than the fool. Which, I take to mean – the RASN is not going to change.

Why does a person grow in wisdom? Because they receive instruction from people who are wise than they. How do we learn anything at all? We must be taught. We must be teachable. But a person wise in their own eyes will not receive instruction. They know better than anyone else. They are their own teacher, and what they teach is false. It is folly. You all know what happens when you try to correct someone like this. They not only refuse to be instructed, they are going to tell YOU, and in fact they will hate you for implying that they need instruction.

“You can’t tell that guy anything” is a phrase all too common, and true. There really is more hope for a fool than for the RASN. Your abuser, your narcissist, will never change. They are like a little child with dirty diapers who screams and wails when mom tells tells them they need to be changed. A fit description for the RASN. Covered with filth, and yet, just try to tell him he stinks and see what his reaction is.

Betrayal is in the Heart of the Abuser (RASN)

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On May 1, 2026

In betrayal

Now it came about after this that Absalom provided for himself a chariot and horses and fifty men as runners before him. Absalom used to rise early and stand beside the way to the gate; and when any man had a suit to come to the king for judgment, Absalom would call to him and say, “From what city are you?” And he would say, “Your servant is from one of the tribes of Israel.” Then Absalom would say to him, “See, your claims are good and right, but no man listens to you on the part of the king.” Moreover, Absalom would say, “Oh that one would appoint me judge in the land, then every man who has any suit or cause could come to me and I would give him justice.” And when a man came near to prostrate himself before him, he would put out his hand and take hold of him and kiss him. In this manner Absalom dealt with all Israel who came to the king for judgment; so Absalom stole away the hearts of the men of Israel.
(2Sa 15:1-6)

Every RASN (reviler, abuser, sociopath, narcissist) is a betrayer – an Absalom. Betrayal is at the heart of the RASN’s evil nature. He or she is a traitor, a worker of treason. Those of you who are abuse victims have experienced this betrayal. The thing is inevitable in any relationship with these kind.

The domestic abuser for instance is a traitor to the marriage vows and thus to the one he married. Think of it. Betrayal necessarily involves some kind of vow, some promise. Judas promised to be a disciple of Jesus. But he was the classic traitor. In wartime a citizen of a country becomes a traitor because they once pledged allegiance to the nation. But then they conspired with the enemy. People who profess to be a Christian, but then turn back to the world are traitors of the highest and darkest order. Demas betrayed Paul in this way.

Betrayal is evil and it is painful. Here is someone who claimed to be your friend or spouse or a brother or sister in Christ. But years go by and as they do that evil seed grows, until one day their rebellion against you comes into full bloom. Of course the thing is never admitted. YOU are to blame, you know.

A true brother or sister in Christ will never betray either the Lord nor His people. When they vow/covenant to be a faithful member of the body of Christ, they keep that vow. We have a church covenant which members subscribe to but over the years very, very few people who signed it and promised their fidelity to Christ and His people here, kept their vow. They betrayed us all and went out from us because they were not of us.

I know what betrayal feels like. I have felt it far too often. A man who claimed to be my friend for over 50 years betrayed our friendship nearly two years ago because I refused to “take sides” (his side, of course) when his wife left him. When he learned that we paid a visit to his now separated wife, who we had also known for many years, he was very mean to us. Half a century of friendship – over. Betrayal.

When we truly love someone, we are loyal to them. If we sin and hurt them, we are grieved and ask their forgiveness. Jonathan was David’s loyal friend, even though that meant being alienated from his father, Saul. Loyal friends, loyal marriage partners, do not betray. They do not have a spirit of treason in them. They love, honor, and cherish ’til death parts us.

Let’s Talk About the User

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On April 18, 2026

In Getting Free, Narcissist, RASN

Php 2:21 For they all seek after their own interests, not those of Christ Jesus.

There is another very common toxic type of person who I will call “the user.” To some degree I suppose each of the four types in RASN (reviler, abuser, sociopath, narcissist) are users but besides not knowing how to fit “U” into RASN, I think the user is still another type of abusive person. I say that because like all RASNs the user is motivated by an incredible mentality of entitlement. They are entitled and everyone must acknowledge it, you see.

What does the user do? He or she uses people in a selfish, self-serving way, driven by this mindset of superiority over. They deserve, and you owe. Users have no respect for boundaries. They are trespassers in that they have no hesitation about marching right into your life and expecting you to serve them in some way.

Initially, the user will often seem to be someone who is simply asking a favor. “Can you take me to the store?” “Can you use your truck and help me haul something?” “Could you take my son fishing? I wish his father would do more with him.” And you, being the type of person who is generally glad to help others, agree.

But, over time and in your conversations with others, you come to realize that the user is using. Characteristically. Habitually. So much so that people tell you, “whenever she/he calls, we know they want something.” I once was talking with a teenage daughter of a user and she finished my sentence for me – “Your mother is funny, Whenever she calls I know that___________ and the daughter chimed right in – “she wants something from you.”

Users often operate in such a way that the person being used doesn’t even realize what is happening. That is to say, they do not see the inappropriateness of the user’s request. (I think this matter of “inappropriateness” is a very good adjective to explain why the user’s requests are abnormal. They are not appropriate). “Could you stop by and get the lunch I made for my husband? He forgot it and he is at work.” You say, “sure, I can do that,” even though the workplace is 30 miles away! Other people may well see it. I have been used many times by these types and my wife often said, “you know, they are just using you.”

Users however, have no qualms about making inappropriate requests. It is a habit with them and, besides, they are entitled.

I should add that most of the users I have had to deal with were women. That is just my experience and I am sure there are many men who fit right into this category. But the women users in my experience have been women whose using even extended to expecting others to fill various voids in their lives and families. The problem child becomes your responsibility to help (or should I say, “fix”). The chaos in the family business requires using others to step in and set things straight.

As a pastor, it has taken me years to understand this – and to stop being used. Serving others out of the love of Christ is a right and noble thing to do. But being used by an entitled person is quite another. It takes wisdom (usually gained by the school of hard knocks) to discern the difference.

The user is not a safe person to be in relationship with. And when you stop being used, guess what is going to happen? The user will move on to another target.

I would be very glad to hear your comments and stories from you own experiences with users. Your comments on this blog really help others greatly.

RASNs are Never Wrong – Even if They sink the Boat

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On March 30, 2026

In Abusers, Churches/Church Response

If we say that we have not sinned, we make Him a liar and His word is not in us. (1Jn 1:10)

RASNs (revilers, abusers, sociopaths, narcissists) are not Christians. How do we know? Because they never confess their sin. They are never wrong. Never. Just ask them. And therefore, as John says, they call God a liar. They are not born again. This is a very important point which abuse victims need to understand if they are going to start on the path to freedom. The denial of this truth is typical in “biblical counseling” and churches where the victims of RASNs are told that because the RASN claims to be a Christian, it is “unchristian” of us to doubt it.

I saw a perfect example of this business a number of years ago. I took a man from our church (he left us long ago when he could no longer hear truth) out in my boat at the entrance to the ocean. I asked him if he would like to steer it for awhile and he did so. Quite soon, he decided to navigate to the opposite side of the channel between the jetties. He didn’t ask. He just did it. Soon we were out of the navigation channel and into much shallower water where jagged rocks lay just under the surface. He clipped one of them and I told him to get back over into the channel. His response? “Do you think I was born yesterday?”

Well, later as we were heading in he was steering again (don’t let a RASN steer you in any way!) and he once again veered off the entrance channel into a very shallow area. I told him he needed to stay to the other side. His response? “Then you take it!” And he walked away from the helm.

A RASN not only cannot admit fault when it comes to steering a boat, they will never admit their sin. Any “confession” on their part (which is rare) is just a sham, a fake designed to deceive. It would be a number of years before I learned just what this man was. He wasn’t simply a stubborn, bull-headed guy. No. He was a self-centered, bullying, false Christian who wouldn’t even listen to God’s own Word.

A couple of years later he came up to me after I had taught a Bible study and blurted out, “I don’t care what you say. My mother is in heaven. I saw her pray one time.” I had said nothing about his mother. I never met or knew her. But it was the truth of God’s Word that he hated. Soon after he took himself and his wife out of our church. Now he knows. But its too late. Too late.

We dismiss, far too often, RASNs as being simply “difficult people.” That is letting them off too easy. Classing them like that is just an excuse to cling to the false notion that just about everyone who says they are in Christ, are. The truth is this – the way is narrow and few are they who find it. A person who says they love God but they hate their brother is a liar. No, this fake and stupid boat navigator was what the Lord calls a fool. He was an arrogant, abusive, narcissistic man who, for many years, had been excused by the previous pastors of our church who compromised God’s Word so as to broaden the narrow way for the likes of this guy.

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