Php 2:21 For they all seek after their own interests, not those of Christ Jesus.
There is another very common toxic type of person who I will call “the user.” To some degree I suppose each of the four types in RASN (reviler, abuser, sociopath, narcissist) are users but besides not knowing how to fit “U” into RASN, I think the user is still another type of abusive person. I say that because like all RASNs the user is motivated by an incredible mentality of entitlement. They are entitled and everyone must acknowledge it, you see.
What does the user do? He or she uses people in a selfish, self-serving way, driven by this mindset of superiority over. They deserve, and you owe. Users have no respect for boundaries. They are trespassers in that they have no hesitation about marching right into your life and expecting you to serve them in some way.
Initially, the user will often seem to be someone who is simply asking a favor. “Can you take me to the store?” “Can you use your truck and help me haul something?” “Could you take my son fishing? I wish his father would do more with him.” And you, being the type of person who is generally glad to help others, agree.
But, over time and in your conversations with others, you come to realize that the user is using. Characteristically. Habitually. So much so that people tell you, “whenever she/he calls, we know they want something.” I once was talking with a teenage daughter of a user and she finished my sentence for me – “Your mother is funny, Whenever she calls I know that___________ and the daughter chimed right in – “she wants something from you.”
Users often operate in such a way that the person being used doesn’t even realize what is happening. That is to say, they do not see the inappropriateness of the user’s request. (I think this matter of “inappropriateness” is a very good adjective to explain why the user’s requests are abnormal. They are not appropriate). “Could you stop by and get the lunch I made for my husband? He forgot it and he is at work.” You say, “sure, I can do that,” even though the workplace is 30 miles away! Other people may well see it. I have been used many times by these types and my wife often said, “you know, they are just using you.”
Users however, have no qualms about making inappropriate requests. It is a habit with them and, besides, they are entitled.
I should add that most of the users I have had to deal with were women. That is just my experience and I am sure there are many men who fit right into this category. But the women users in my experience have been women whose using even extended to expecting others to fill various voids in their lives and families. The problem child becomes your responsibility to help (or should I say, “fix”). The chaos in the family business requires using others to step in and set things straight.
As a pastor, it has taken me years to understand this – and to stop being used. Serving others out of the love of Christ is a right and noble thing to do. But being used by an entitled person is quite another. It takes wisdom (usually gained by the school of hard knocks) to discern the difference.
The user is not a safe person to be in relationship with. And when you stop being used, guess what is going to happen? The user will move on to another target.
I would be very glad to hear your comments and stories from you own experiences with users. Your comments on this blog really help others greatly.
Limeade
Some women are big users, but they’re often doing so at the behest of a man, and/or that woman is inappropriately requesting something from you that benefits herself as well as one or more men directly. One reason that the woman is dispatched for the request may be that you’re more likely to feel sympathy for a woman than for a man. Also women can be better or comfortable with one-on-one emotional verbal communicators. In the example of the woman asking for the lunch for her husband, she’s inappropriate to ask, but the husband is also probably fine with your slogging the lunch out to him and he may have even suggested your name. Also, the husband shouldn’t have forgotten his lunch in the first place.
Some single mothers are huge users, but this too can have a male component. Absentee, incarcerated, financially deadbeat, and unmotivated fathers know that children require a lot of work and expense. These “men” are fully aware that Good Samaritans, charities, taxpayers, and relatives are picking up their slack.
I had a defining moment several years ago with multiple, dysfunctional time-consuming users in my life. I belonged to a well-known, low-cost, noncontroversial community organization that I also truly believed could help improve each of these users’ specific personal issues and had suggested it to each of them for several years. It was of no benefit to me for them to attend – I just believed it could help them and they seemed to agree. They all said they had “always been interested” in this positive group and that they’d attend “one day soon” that seemed to never arrive. But they sure liked individually taking up my time with their problems. They also didn’t find or follow up on suggestions regarding other ways to improve those issues for themselves.
After six years in that local organization, I was a candidate for a leadership award, and my chances would be increased if these “friends” attended a few times for free as guests. I invited each of them again. As mentioned, this low-cost group would have been of benefit to them but I wasn’t pressuring them to join. Money, transportation, childcare, and time conflicts weren’t issues with any of them anyway. Whereas before my invitations were solely to help them, I was at a rare point when we could potentially both benefit from their attendance. Well, they still didn’t show up and I realized they never would. It was definitely an emotional game-changer. I became focused on reaching that goal in the organization – too busy for any of those specific “friends” and their mostly self-inflicted personal problems. Ironically, a few loyal friends who’d always been there for me over the years, and who didn’t particularly need the beneficial aspect of that group, attended! And I did achieve that goal, but I still don’t have time for those prior users. We’re still connected on social media but, without anger, I immediately disabled private/direct messages from them. And set up my phone to send their calls straight to voicemail. I’ve since changed my phone number for unrelated reasons and didn’t give any of them the new one.
For the past several years, I’ve stayed far away from people who don’t have cars. I’ve found that when able-bodied, non-elderly people don’t have cars, it often signals a lot of self-centered, unhealthy life choices with which you don’t want to be involved. I have educated others being used by car-less people about public transport door-to-door programs for people who are truly disabled or low-income. Almost every county in America has them – even rural ones.
If you want to know how little a suspected “user” thinks of you, ask for a favor that’s within their bandwidth. Don’t say it’s a test or ultimatum. The answer might tell you a thing or two.
Also, I don’t think it’s selfish to consider whether that habitually needy friend will ever have the future ability to assist you if you need it. Regardless of whether they really love you, how likely would or will they be able to help? If you’re diagnosed with cancer next month, that car-less friend who lives a half-hour away and that you’ve shuttled around for years is not going to drive you to chemotherapy appointments or bring you medication and food to your home. It’s wise to plan for your future by cultivating mutual relationships.
Jeff Crippen
Excellent! Great info for us. In fact, incidentally, two of the women users I have had experience with were indeed married to narcissists. And I also believe that added to their userness.