Php 2:21 For they all seek after their own interests, not those of Christ Jesus.

There is another very common toxic type of person who I will call “the user.” To some degree I suppose each of the four types in RASN (reviler, abuser, sociopath, narcissist) are users but besides not knowing how to fit “U” into RASN, I think the user is still another type of abusive person. I say that because like all RASNs the user is motivated by an incredible mentality of entitlement. They are entitled and everyone must acknowledge it, you see.

What does the user do? He or she uses people in a selfish, self-serving way, driven by this mindset of superiority over. They deserve, and you owe. Users have no respect for boundaries. They are trespassers in that they have no hesitation about marching right into your life and expecting you to serve them in some way.

Initially, the user will often seem to be someone who is simply asking a favor. “Can you take me to the store?” “Can you use your truck and help me haul something?” “Could you take my son fishing? I wish his father would do more with him.” And you, being the type of person who is generally glad to help others, agree.

But, over time and in your conversations with others, you come to realize that the user is using. Characteristically. Habitually. So much so that people tell you, “whenever she/he calls, we know they want something.” I once was talking with a teenage daughter of a user and she finished my sentence for me – “Your mother is funny, Whenever she calls I know that___________ and the daughter chimed right in – “she wants something from you.”

Users often operate in such a way that the person being used doesn’t even realize what is happening. That is to say, they do not see the inappropriateness of the user’s request. (I think this matter of “inappropriateness” is a very good adjective to explain why the user’s requests are abnormal. They are not appropriate). “Could you stop by and get the lunch I made for my husband? He forgot it and he is at work.” You say, “sure, I can do that,” even though the workplace is 30 miles away! Other people may well see it. I have been used many times by these types and my wife often said, “you know, they are just using you.”

Users however, have no qualms about making inappropriate requests. It is a habit with them and, besides, they are entitled.

I should add that most of the users I have had to deal with were women. That is just my experience and I am sure there are many men who fit right into this category. But the women users in my experience have been women whose using even extended to expecting others to fill various voids in their lives and families. The problem child becomes your responsibility to help (or should I say, “fix”). The chaos in the family business requires using others to step in and set things straight.

As a pastor, it has taken me years to understand this – and to stop being used. Serving others out of the love of Christ is a right and noble thing to do. But being used by an entitled person is quite another. It takes wisdom (usually gained by the school of hard knocks) to discern the difference.

The user is not a safe person to be in relationship with. And when you stop being used, guess what is going to happen? The user will move on to another target.

I would be very glad to hear your comments and stories from you own experiences with users. Your comments on this blog really help others greatly.