Do you see a man wise in his own eyes? There is more hope for a fool than for him. (Pro 26:12)
Clearly a RASN (reviler, abuser, sociopath, narcissist) is a person who is wise in his own eyes. If you doubt that, just ask him or her. This kind is unteachable. After all, if someone regards themselves as wiser than anyone else, then plainly they believe they “know it all” and thus have no need to be taught. And of course if everyone else is a fool, then certainly the RASN is not going to be taught by a fool.
The scripture above however says that anyone who is wise in their own eyes is a fool’s fool. That is to say, this pseudo-wise man is more of a fool than the most foolish buffoon to be found. A fool is a person who is devoid of knowledge. Stupid. And his stupidity leads him to foolish decisions. But the Lord says that the RASN is worse than the buffoon. There is more hope to teach and help a fool than there is to do the same for the RASN.
I have often told you that RASNs never change, and this scripture supports that conclusion. Think about it. If the toxic person in your life is a mere fool, there exists some degree of hope that they can be shown their folly, turn from it, and change. But the Lord is telling us here that the RASN – a person wise in their own eyes – has much less hope of change than the fool. Which, I take to mean – the RASN is not going to change.
Why does a person grow in wisdom? Because they receive instruction from people who are wise than they. How do we learn anything at all? We must be taught. We must be teachable. But a person wise in their own eyes will not receive instruction. They know better than anyone else. They are their own teacher, and what they teach is false. It is folly. You all know what happens when you try to correct someone like this. They not only refuse to be instructed, they are going to tell YOU, and in fact they will hate you for implying that they need instruction.
“You can’t tell that guy anything” is a phrase all too common, and true. There really is more hope for a fool than for the RASN. Your abuser, your narcissist, will never change. They are like a little child with dirty diapers who screams and wails when mom tells tells them they need to be changed. A fit description for the RASN. Covered with filth, and yet, just try to tell him he stinks and see what his reaction is.
Survived
The RASN won’t truly learn or change, but you have to watch out for the ones who’ll string you along and make you believe they’re on the cusp of changing. These types pretend that nobody before you ever suggested their specific actions are hurtful and explicitly why, how they change, etc. They make you think they’re having an “a-ha” moment, thanks to you.
I had years wasted by one that way. They were always “about to” make those simple changes we discussed that would start the long process of improvement. But they never even took the first step, let alone walked the journey. Now that I look back on it, I didn’t owe that RASN that patience even if, best case scenario, they intended to improve. I should have cut the chains regardless of whether they were sincere about future change, considering the damage they’d directly inflicted on me to that date.
It can be hard to break ties when you think you can improve a situation with a RASN. If you’re reluctant to go no-contact or very-low-contact because you hold hope in those promises or pipe-dreams, here’s what I could suggest. Tell the RASN to email or postal-mail you only once those promised changes have already been made and can be proven in documented, predetermined, present-tense, time-tested ways that are proven by records or tangible materials from unbiased parties. No calls or in-person visits from the RASN until then, since they have the advantage in ambush situations. State what your requirements are in advance – for example: two years of clean drug tests, successful completion of parole, letter from a therapist (don’t make the mistake of having sessions with the RASN’s counselor, though) two years of stable job and credit report, etc. And state upfront there’s no guarantee on your end that you will still be interested in a relationship by that date. Especially since the RASN might have just traded one set of bad traits for another collection. I realize now that it’s best to just make a clean break with a RASN, but this open-door or step-down method might work for those who find cold-turkey scary or depressing.
Jeff Crippen
Thankyou! Wisdom. In my 40plus years now as apastor and 25 years dealing with RASNs hiding in the church I have NEVER seen one change. Those who put on a “Christian “ disguise are the worst of the worst.