But when Cephas came to Antioch, I opposed him to his face, because he stood condemned. (Galatians 2:11)
We all like to believe that we would be objective and impartial whenever we might be faced with a situation in which we need to make a judgment. Some such judgments are simpler than others. Black or white. Right or wrong. Clarity is, well, more clear in those scenarios. But then there are other cases.
I would like to believe that if the wife of a church member or elder or one of my friends came to me and reported that her husband is not the man I think he is. That he is a RASN (reviler, abuser, sociopath, narcissist) and has been abusive to her for years…I would like to think that I would respond in an objective, impartial manner. But…
We are all affected by elements that fog up our ability to respond with objectivity and justice. The RASN might be (by virtue of his disguise) someone I have long considered to be my friend, a fellow Christian, a faithful elder in the church. He might have many other relationships with people in my circle – in the church, for instance. Or perhaps he is an apparently faithful member of the church, a generous tither for instance. In other words, the person I “know” is not the person his wife/victim is describing to me. My “default” setting in such a situation is not going to revert to just objectivity. My judgment is going to be clouded by many factors. But, unlike a judge in a criminal case, I cannot just “recuse” myself and hand the matter over to someone else.
We (pastors especially) need to own up to our bias. It hides in our thinking. It is not obvious. We can actually be very, unjust, very biased, and not even know it! We can think we see clearly when in fact our sight is quite clouded by all kinds of factors.
In the verse quoted above, we see that the Apostle Paul did see clearly. Peter was an apostle and I assume a friend of Paul’s. But no matter. By the Holy
Spirit in him, Paul saw Peter’s sin clearly. His response was truthful and just. In the presence of all he called Peter out. And then – don’t miss this – Peter was then enabled to see clearly and repent, as were all the others. We do not want to be the blind leading the blind.
We need to train ourselves. When confronted with these kinds of situations, we need to be disciplined and conduct a bit of self-examining interrogation. What is my relationship with this person the victim is describing? How might my judgment be clouded? What factors could be coloring my ability to be objective? And then we need to exercise courage – do what is right – no matter what the cost.
Recovering
It can be easy to be fooled by an abuser if his personality seems likable, and his victim isn’t known to you or doesn’t seem likable. I was once in a situation in which a few people were speaking up about a man. Those accusers happened to be a small clique I viewed negatively from unrelated prior interactions and observations which happened before I’d even met the man. In other words, this wasn’t a matter in which those accusers were acting out only because they were angry about his alleged conduct. I did not disbelieve their allegations completely, but I did not take them as seriously as I would have if I’d liked those accusing him. The amoral temptation is to perform selfish math. If you disavow your accused friend and aren’t likely to become friends in the future with those accusing him, it appears it will be a social sacrifice with no personal gain.
A few years later, the man was convicted of a serious crime. I broke ties with him. The crime was different from what he’d been accused of a few years earlier, but revealed an unsafe mindset that was consistent. I regretted not taking the earlier allegations more seriously, although I upheld that the messengers weren’t consistent with my morals. So, I was down a friend without gaining any. It’s okay! I survived.
I learned from this and a similar situation to check out serious accusations about my friends or coworkers if the documentation appears credible – even if I don’t like the source. If the severe allegation turns out to be true, I need to get away from that friend regardless of how I I found out. I can continue to dislike that messenger for unrelated reasons, while keeping a safe distance from the now-former friend. There are worse things in life than walking away from an entire group of unhealthy people.
Jeff Crippen
And it really gets tricky when you have one RASN accusing another RASN! I have seen this.
Recovered
Exactly. Which is why it’s dangerous to use the logic of “the enemy of the enemy is my friend.” I learned that sometimes it’s best to get away from an entire group and not weigh one RASN against another RASN. It may be time for a change of venue if you’re rationalizing that at least Evil Person A in your life is “only” half as bad as Evil Person B. It’s easier said than done to disentangle from all of them, though. Humans crave approval and companionship.
Tracey
I liked when you said, “And not even know it” Amen to that. Sometimes only time will tell us what the truth really was.
Jeff Crippen
Yes! Thank you. This is an important point. We often believe we know, that we are being objective, and in fact we are not.
Lynn
I ran into this when I was still living at home with my RASN parents. I shared with my “pastor” at the time the abuses I was struggling with at home and wanted counseling to see if we could work through our issues. He refused to get involved because he was friends with my parents. They gave a lot of money to the church and built the home my “pastor” and his wife lived in. I also worked at his church at the time and got to see the huge double standard up close and in person. The pastor’s kids were living lavishly – new clothes, new cars every few years, home ownership in their 20s while only working on staff at the church – but they refused to pay me enough to live on my own for a full time design and print production job. This experience plus my time on staff in church I grew up in completely soured me on ever working on staff for a church or “Christian Ministry” and opened my eyes to the wolves in sheep’s clothing at every level of church leadership.
Jeff Crippen
Yes. Truth. Money does blind a person. I know for myself that RASNs who hide in the church often give $$ generously and give of their time as well, BUT we must always remember that these things are often done from an evil motive which expects a return. The more a pastor or church relies on such people, the harder it is to see clearly. Because to confront such a person when they sin is necessarily going to be more costly to the confronter than if the sinning person were “just” a less important member. (Less important is of course a sinful designation – Paul reminds us that the smaller, “unseemly” members are just as important in the body of Christ).
Wade
A couple of years ago we were helping a mom/grandma get to the airport. This person had known our family for 50 years. Her husband was an elder in their church, who also happened to be a dear friend and mentor for me. During the ride we were catching up on our families and a few innocuous comments were mentioned that raised some red flags. My comment to her was, “I believe you”. That began a journey with the family where we were able to come alongside and encourage them. And yes, I immediately cut off the abuser aka former friend.