Unholy Charade - Jeff Crippen

Unmasking the Domestic Abuser in the Church

Author: Jeff Crippen Page 2 of 88

“As Is” and “What You See is Not Necessarily What You Get”

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On January 8, 2026

In Abusers, Counseling

We know that RASNs (revilers, abusers, sociopaths, narcissists) are very deceptive. They wear disguises and like their father the devil, they can appear as angels of light or sons of righteousness as the Apostle Paul puts it.

In defending ourselves against these kind, there are two points of wisdom which will serve us well if we truly believe them and do not permit false ideas to steer us into danger. The first point is the “As Is” principle which I was encouraged to hear being taught recently. Let’s consider what it means.

To employ “As Is” in approaching a relationship is to truly understand and believe that very, very few people actually morph into a better person. Really, it is only the Lord who can make someone a new creation through the new birth by faith alone in Christ alone. But the Bible makes it clear that the way is narrow that leads to life and few are they who find it. Most people, the vast majority, choose to walk the easy way of Broadway which leads to hell. The church, the real church, therefore, is often referred to in the Bible as the “remnant.”

Now, what does this mean in regard to this “As Is” principle? Simply this – that when we approach relationships, when for instance we consider someone as a potential spouse, we must take time to get to know them. Because (and I will insert the second principle of wisdom here) “what you see is not necessarily what you get.” This means, of course, that sin is deceptive and that wicked people are often adept at concealing who and what they really are. How often have we heard from abuse victims who tell us that the person they thought they were marrying disappeared on the honeymoon and a very different person emerged! “What you see is not necessarily what you get.” It is vital that we approach new relationships with this piece of wisdom. Paul warned Timothy of this in respect to appointing officers in the church:

1Ti 5:22 Do not lay hands upon anyone too hastily and thereby share responsibility for the sins of others; keep yourself free from sin.

Our natural tendency is to be, well, foolish. We want to believe the best about people, but that approach must be seasoned with wisdom. With a realization that your initial impression may be quite wrong.

And this brings us back to the “As Is” principle. As a relationship develops, and if we are wise and therefore we begin to see the real person – be it only through a few “mask-slipping” warning signs or via more evident traits – we must NEVER proceed down the “I am sure I can help and fix this person” highway. That path is a road to disaster and misery. In other words, we should imagine this label upon the person – “As Is.” If you see clearly, if you have taken the time to truly see what a person is, then they are “As Is.” No warranties to fall back on. Let the buyer beware.

Hearing someone else state this “As Is” principle was quite encouraging to me because for the last 12 years as I have written on this blog and in several books, I have repeatedly presented these two principles which I still believe today:

  1. Abusers (RASNs) never change.
  2. A marriage to an abuser does not need to be fixed, it needs to be ended.

Abusers are “As Is.” And I tell abuse victims that if they will embrace these two principles as truth and then base their decisions about the relationship on these two points, they will make wise decisions which will eventually lead to freedom.

I have actually had abuse victims get quite angry with me when I presented these two truths to them. I was actually just trying to teach them the “As Is” principle. What you now see is what you will continue to get. The best way to predict what your relationship with the abuser is going to be in the future is to look at what it has been in the past. Because abusers never change. They are “As Is.” You cannot return them for a replacement. You can’t get your money back for a defective item. You cannot “save them.”

“But my God can do the impossible! I refuse to give up! I have faith! God can change anyone.” That is not wisdom, nor is it faith. There are things that the Lord cannot do. He cannot and will not be untrue to His own character. He will not wink at sin. He will not save anyone who refuses to call upon Him for His saving mercy. He cannot save the devil.

Why Does it Take so Long to Realize What a RASN is?

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On December 21, 2025

In Churches/Church Response, Evil, Narcissist, RASN

Rev 2:19-20 ‘I know your deeds, and your love and faith and service and perseverance, and that your deeds of late are greater than at first. (20) ‘But I have this against you, that you tolerate the woman Jezebel, who calls herself a prophetess, and she teaches and leads My bond-servants astray so that they commit acts of immorality and eat things sacrificed to idols.

The Lord Jesus commended the church at Thyatira for very commendable qualities – love, faith, service, perseverance and increasing commitment. And yet, in the midst of this genuine church, here was this Jezebel. An incredibly evil person teaching false doctrine, promoting immorality and idolatry. How can we reconcile these things? What is the explanation?

I don’t think that the genuine believers there willfully turned a blind eye to this wolf in wool. I think that they simply didn’t “get it.” They didn’t see her for what she was. And this is the typical dynamic when a reviler, abuser, sociopath, or narcissist is among us. We just don’t “see it” for quite sometime. We don’t see what is right in front of us. The RASN does his or her evil deeds and we get glimpses of those sins, but we remain blinded to the truth – this person is evil. This is not a brother or sister in Christ. This is not a husband or wife who loves me. Our relationship is a sham.

There are several reasons why we don’t get it for so long. Of course there is the disguise the RASN wears, pretending to be someone he or she is not. But there is also the fact that we tend to believe that the RASN thinks like we do. That Jezebel has a basic love for others, she just isn’t perfect. So we cut her slack. We excuse behaviors that are quite inconsistent with a claim to be in Christ. We don’t remove them from the church or separate from them. We don’t want that divorce.

But the Lord, in His goodness and justice, finally opens our eyes. He comes to us and says, “Hey, see that woman Jezebel (or that man Diotrephes)? That person is wicked and you must not continue to tolerate their presence in My church. If you don’t take care of dealing with them, I am going to.”

Rev 2:21-23 ‘I gave her time to repent, and she does not want to repent of her immorality. (22) ‘Behold, I will throw her on a bed of sickness, and those who commit adultery with her into great tribulation, unless they repent of her deeds. (23) ‘And I will kill her children with pestilence, and all the churches will know that I am He who searches the minds and hearts; and I will give to each one of you according to your deeds.

When we obey the Lord and put these kinds of people out of Christ’s church, when we see them for what they really are – creeps who have crept in among us (see Jude on this), the Lord is glorified. Oh sure, Jezebel has her “children,” her followers, and typically they are going to leave us as well when we deal with their leader. But the Lord is glorified in our obedience. “All the churches will know that I am He who searches the minds and hearts.” Word will get around. Other Jezebels and their disciples will stay clear of us because they love darkness and cringe at the light of Christ that shines in a true church and in a true Christian. They will project, they will accuse, but they will fear because the Lord is with us, He is in His holy temple.

Abigail Acted in Self-Defense

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On December 19, 2025

In Abusers, Churches/Church Response, Counseling

Now there was a man in Maon whose business was in Carmel; and the man was very rich, and he had three thousand sheep and a thousand goats. And it came about while he was shearing his sheep in Carmel (now the man’s name was Nabal, and his wife’s name was Abigail. And the woman was intelligent and beautiful in appearance, but the man was harsh and evil in his dealings, and he was a Calebite), (1Sa 25:2-3)

When Abigail saw David, she hurried and dismounted from her donkey, and fell on her face before David and bowed herself to the ground. She fell at his feet and said, “On me alone, my lord, be the blame. And please let your maidservant speak to you, and listen to the words of your maidservant. “Please do not let my lord pay attention to this worthless man, Nabal, for as his name is, so is he. Nabal is his name and folly is with him; but I your maidservant did not see the young men of my lord whom you sent. “Now therefore, my lord, as the LORD lives, and as your soul lives, since the LORD has restrained you from shedding blood, and from avenging yourself by your own hand, now then let your enemies and those who seek evil against my lord, be as Nabal. (1Sa 25:23-26)

Abigail was married to a RASN (reviler, abuser, sociopath, narcissist). Nabal the fool (as Abigail emphasized, ‘for as his name is, so is he.’), had put his entire household in mortal danger. David and his men were coming to wipe them out as a result of Nabal’s wickedness. So what did Abigail do?

She took action to protect herself and the entire household. She exercised self-defense. She was married to an abuser and she was an abused wife. She defended herself. And the Lord blessed her.

Surely we can see in this account that God permits abused women to defend themselves. To take action. Such actions can include many things – making economic provision for escape, separation, divorce, and so on. She has a right to ask for help. She has a right to expose her RASN’s evil foolishness and tactics. All of these things are simply forms of self-defense.

Those people who (some pastors, many Christians, theologians, counselors)…who deny the abuse victim’s God-given rights to self-defense need to be called to accounts for the ridiculous ends to which such denials lead. If an abuser is poisoning his target, if he picks up a gun or a knife and is threatening to kill her, consistency requires these people to insist that the victim must submit, even if it kills her. Some Christian leaders have actually come out and said this, claiming that the “suffering” will sanctify her and if she dies, well, all the abuser has done is send her to glory. The Apostle Paul had the right to appeal to Caesar, but abuse victims do not?

Truth-Tellers in a Toxic Family

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On December 11, 2025

In Churches/Church Response, Counseling

Gal 4:16 So have I become your enemy by telling you the truth?

I was listening to an online podcast focusing on narcissism recently. The subject was about the experience of the one person in a toxic family who sees the truth and speaks it. There are two routes facing the whistleblower in such a setting (and really in any toxic environment). The first path is to continue to speak the truth – let’s say regarding a narcissist parent. What is going to happen?

Well, the typical result is that the truth-teller is going to be made the scapegoat. Often to the point of actually being avoided, ostracized, and accused. This is the very thing Jesus spoke of-

Luk 14:26 “If anyone comes to Me, and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be My disciple.

I saw a picture on Instagram that portrayed this very thing. A man was walking down a road, back to us, carrying a suitcase. The caption was – “when an organization refuses to change its toxic structure it loses its best employees.” The toxic family or marriage does the same. It loses its healthy, truth-telling member while refusing to face the toxicity and change by dealing with the real culprit.

The second path is to conform. To be silent. And this way is never truly silence. It is characterized more by only speaking praise and adulation for the toxic person or family. This choice adds to the poison AND it eventually infects the one traveling this way. Quite often I have had teenagers or wives come to me as their pastor and tell me about an abuser parent or spouse. They want my help. Most often, they just want someone to hear them, but at other times they want someone to “fix” it. But you cannot (NOTE this carefully!) fix it! What we can do is provide a listening, believing, validating ear and we can point the person to helpful resources, we might even be able to provide some types of tangible resources to help (money, books on abuse, protection, etc) but you will never fix a narcissist. You will never fix a RASN. Because they never change. Never.

But back to the point. If the person who sees the truth of the toxin in their family or marriage or workplace or CHURCH, decides to go along with the status quo and not “make waves,” and if they remain in that entity – then over time the probability is very high that THEY will be a carrier of the toxin themselves. RASN-ism is a communicable disease!

1Co 15:33 Do not be deceived: “Bad company corrupts good morals.”

Don’t misunderstand. I am not spreading blame here upon, for instance, abuse victims who at least for right now have no means of escape. There are so often financial barriers or child-custody issues that block a path to freedom. I am addressing the cases in which a freedom path does exist but the one who sees the truth decides to remain in that toxic place. And this dynamic is something I have seen personally quite often. People who once came to me, telling me about the toxin and asking for help, made a choice to remain in that broken, damaging place and as time went along they drank the kool-aid enough that they became toxic themselves. At that point – you can expect it – if you are the one who tried to help, and if you are the one who keeps directing the person to freedom road, YOU will become the culprit in their eyes. You will be seen as a threat and YOU will be blamed for it all.

I capitalized CHURCH above because very often a local church can be a toxic environment – a poisoning “family” if you will. Perhaps the pastor is the RASN or an elder or some “eminent saint” who wields power and control behind the scenes. This is what the Lord commands us to do in those cases-

3Jn 1:9-10 I wrote something to the church; but Diotrephes, who loves to be first among them, does not accept what we say. (10) For this reason, if I come, I will call attention to his deeds which he does, unjustly accusing us with wicked words; and not satisfied with this, he himself does not receive the brethren, either, and he forbids those who desire to do so and puts them out of the church.

And if that church decides to stand with Diotrephes, then it is no longer a real church but a synagogue of Satan. Shake of the dust and move on lest you participate in the poisoning of others.

RASNs and Compartmentalization

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On November 26, 2025

In Abusers

For such men are false apostles, deceitful workers, disguising themselves as apostles of Christ. And no wonder, for even Satan disguises himself as an angel of light.
(2Co 11:13-14)

Most of you know how RASNS (revilers, abusers, sociopaths, and narcissists) wear disguises. They do so for a number of reasons, one of which is that they lust for praise and, after all, who they really are will not evoke praise, rather it will bring rejection. A full-blown tyrant who possesses the power and resources to carry out whatever they desire perhaps need not be so concerned with a disguise. But most RASNs do not have a complete tyrannical power, and therefore they use deception to hide what they are and to gain power and control.

Now, when a person wears a disguise, to be really effective – they need to be able to compartmentalize their personhood. That is, they need to be able to divide who they are into at least two persons. The real and the false. Let me give an illustration.

Back in the cold war days when all kinds of espionage and spy intrigue were going on between, for instance, the United States and the Soviet Union, one soviet spy “became” a Roman Catholic priest. He studied laboriously for a long time under the tutelage of a one-time priest who had turned communist, learning the ins and outs of the Roman priesthood. The KGB filed all kinds of false documentation with various agencies so that this fellow passed and the real thing. Ultimately the RC church actually assigned him as priest to a church in New York. For over a decade he played out this role, all the while gathering intelligence data for the Soviets via connections he was able to make as a priest.

But my point is this – when the CIA finally discovered him and put electronic surveillance (bugs) in his room and searched through his files without his knowledge, they were amazed. Why? Because this man was able to actually “become” a priest, actually caring for the people in his church, delivering genuine eulogies and sermons. After his arrest, he reported that he really enjoyed his role as priest and that his own identify had become rather mixed up. Who was he? A priest? Or a Soviet spy?

But people like this, and RASNs included, are able to pull off such an effective disguise because they can compartmentalize their lives. They can step in and out of multiple roles. And this is why their disguise is soooo effective. A domestic abuser, for instance, who claims to be a Christian, easily assumes the persona of a fine saint when he or she is in a particular setting. At home, he reverts to what he really is. Unless we understand this dynamic. we will continue to be confused and deceived by the RASN.

RASNs Will Never do This

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On November 8, 2025

In Abusers

Search me, O God, and know my heart; Try me and know my anxious thoughts; And see if there be any hurtful way in me, And lead me in the everlasting way. (Psalm 139:23-24)

True repentance involves a willingness to be “searched.” The Psalmist admitted that there could well be a “hurtful way” within him. A serious heart problem. And he asks the Lord to search him out in the deepest recesses of his being to discover any wicked thought, motive, or attitude – sin to sum it up in one word. He wants the Lord to shine light, to expose, and to then replace any such sin with “the everlasting way.” This is humility. It is repentance. It is confession.

A RASN (reviler, abusers, sociopath, narcissist) will never pray such a prayer. Why? Because he or she will never acknowledge any kind of sin, fault, error, blame, guilt on their part. They live a lie. They are a sham. Their only “prayer” is that of the self-righteous Pharisee who boasted of his fake righteousness to the Lord.

The greatest terror the RASN fears is that a light might shine upon him and strip away his disguise for all to see who and what he really is. Darkness hates the light. But for the true people of God, for those who are genuinely righteous with the righteousness of Christ, this searching of the heart, this divine exposure of everything within, is something we hunger and thirst for.

Seek the LORD, All you humble of the earth Who have carried out His ordinances; Seek righteousness, seek humility. Perhaps you will be hidden In the day of the LORD’S anger. (Zephaniah 2:3)

Will the RASN be hidden from the Lord’s wrath on the Day? No. He will be crying for the ricks and hills to fall upon him and hide him from that great light. But it will not work. He will be found out and his sin exposed for all the world to see.

RASNs as Corrupt Politicians

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On November 1, 2025

In Abusers, Evil

“But let your statement be, ‘Yes, yes’ or ‘No, no’; anything beyond these is of evil.
(Mat 5:37)

I am sure that you have noticed while watching the news that dishonest politicians are in no way the picture of Matthew 5:37. Today their “yes” is yes, but tomorrow it will be “no.” What they say and do vacillates depending upon present circumstances. This is because they are self-serving with no sound, firm principles.

Wicked people are like this. RASNs (revilers, abusers, sociopaths, narcissists) are only consistent in being self-servers, users of others. They are the classic picture of the double standard. I knew a man just like this once. On the surface he seemed to be very confusing without any predictability. But he was in fact predictable – he would always come down on the side which served him the best.

RASNs are liars. Their yes is no and their no is yes. They also use this method to gaslight others. Crazy-making. Willfully unpredictable. “Sure, go ahead and buy those clothes for the kids.” 24 hours later – “you did what? Am I made of money?!!”

All of this is the mark of a wicked person who, if they claim to be a Christian, is a counterfeit – a tare among the wheat. Watch out for these kind in the church. When you sense that a person is consistently inconsistent, someone who is confusing to you – you are probably dealing with a RASN. A creep who has crept in among us.

RASN’s Have No Shame

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On October 24, 2025

In hubris, Narcissist, RASN

There is a normal kind of shame which is proper and which functions in a healthy person. In this article I don’t mean the wrong kind of shame which wicked people cast upon an innocent. I am speaking of shame which is rightly felt when we wrong someone or sin in some manner and later come to the realization of what we have done.

RASNs (revilers, abusers, sociopaths, narcissists) are shameless. They are never truly and rightly ashamed. I have seen this evil in play many times. Someone, for example, who is a divisive person in a local church, who causes great harm to others there, and who is finally expelled from the fellowship, very typically will be absolutely shameless. They will smile and glad-hand you later as if that entire history never happened.

One example I know of was in the case of a full-blown narcissist who wrongly and sinfully divorced his wife. She was a wonderful person but by his monstrous ego made her life rather miserable. After he divorced her and went off with another woman, he returned to his victim’s house one afternoon, knocked on the door, and asked her, “Do you have a copy of the recipe for that chili that you make? I would like to have it.” Shameless, you see. A normal, functioning human being with a conscience would never have been able to show their face unless it was to confess their sin and in real brokenness ask for the forgiveness they don’t deserve. But not the RASN. No conscience, Never wrong. No empathy. And thus no shame.

In another case a very self-centered woman, a user of others, continued to ask favors of the people she had so used and wronged after the damage her sin had caused resulted in destroyed relationships. And yet even after all of that, she could shamelessly contact the very people she had used and try to use them again! They were, to her, people who owed her. People whose very purpose was to serve her. How could she even show her face to them? Because these kind of people have no shame. They have done nothing wrong, you see. And everyone owes them. Try to point their toxic traits out to them, and all you are going to get is more toxin throw at you. There are indeed people who are non-redeemable.

This shamelessness can take you by surprise, so foreign is it to a normal person. Here they come, smile on face, greeting you as if their dark history of sin never happened. And if they claim to be a Christian, this shamelessness is regarded by them as holy saintliness. “See how fine a Christian I am? See how big my heart is? I don’t hold anything against anyone.” The level of shamelessness this requires is exponential.

Such a shameless approach takes you, as I said, by surprise. You don’t process it quickly enough so after the encounter you find yourself musing – “I should have said….”. But you didn’t because the whole incident was so alien to you. I do remember the one time I was able to respond “You should be ashamed!” But there have been many more incidents in which, as the first lady I mentioned, I retrieved the chili recipe and gave it to them.

For many walk, of whom I often told you, and now tell you even weeping, that they are enemies of the cross of Christ, whose end is destruction, whose god is their appetite, and whose glory is in their shame, who set their minds on earthly things. (Php 3:18-19)

The Ending Reveals the Beginning

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On October 17, 2025

In Churches/Church Response, Counseling

Where a relationship ends up reveals what it was from the beginning

Often we can find ourselves going down that memory lane, thinking that things were so great back then. For anyone in a relationship with a RASN (reviler, abuser, sociopath, narcissist) and especially for a person married to a RASN, those good old days were not, in fact, the good old days.

One of the truths the target of a RASN needs to come to grips with is that at some point their marriage “went wrong.” It used to be good, but then it took a turn down abuser lane. But this is a fiction. When a relationship arrives at abuser-land, we can know that this is really what it always was. The RASN didn’t start out being a “good guy” and then gradually morph into the abuser he (or she) is today. A tree producing rotten fruit always had a bad root.

These are difficult truths to face up to. It isn’t pleasant to come to terms with the truth that the abuser never loved you. Never. Right from the start he was what he is. He may have expended more energy in wearing a disguise then, but a RASN is a RASN and always was a RASN.

As unpleasant as it is to face up to these things, this is the path to freedom. As long as an abuse victim clings to the idea that the RASN has a good side of “the force” within then, she will continue to rationalize and make excuses for the abuser. And generally these excuses have their origin in the abuser himself – “I had a bad upbringing;” “Things at work were hard today,” “You pushed my buttons,” and blah, blah, blah. We all need to realize that the common explanations for an abuser’s actions – “well, he just has anger issues,” etc – originate from the abuser himself. Think about that and let it sink in. The common psychological theory of a domestic abuser originates in the abuser himself. Abusers have been allowed to write the book on abusers!

Counselors and pastors, for example, allow a RASN to explain what is wrong with them and why they treat their spouse like they do. Buying into that nonsense, the counselors and pastors often present the victim with those abuse-excusing explanations and devise a plan of “therapy” founded upon these deceptive lies. The result? The prison of abuse enslaving the victim continues.

Abusers never change.

A marriage to an abuser does not need to be fixed, it needs to be ended.

The ending reveals what the beginning was.

These truths are mile markers on the road to freedom.

What is the Source of the RASN’s Popularity?

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On October 11, 2025

In Abusers, hubris, jealousy

‘I will ascend above the heights of the clouds; I will make myself like the Most High.’
(Isa 14:14)

Very typically a RASN (reviler, abuser, sociopath, narcissist) is quite popular within his or her social circles. These might be at church, at work, with extended family or other social arenas. The RASN is held in high esteem for their charm, their helpfulness, their expertise in and skill or their academic prowess.

As a result, anyone who questions the RASN’s fame or ability is immediately written off as someone motivated by jealousy or ignorance or other ill motive. After all, everyone knows that the RASN is just the greatest. Any slight flaw seen in them is blamed upon someone else for “pushing the RASN’s buttons.”

However, the real source of the RASN’s popularity and famous reputation does not lie in true skill or genuine charm of persona. No. The actual origin of all of this wonderment of name and fame flows from the boastings and pride of the RASN himself. That is to say, the RASN is his own public relations department. He is “the greatest” person at his workplace. He is the best Christian. He is the pinnacle of fatherhood. Says who? Says the RASN himself.

And we very typically and unknowingly are caught up in this self-propaganda campaign of the RASN. We believe him or her. We buy into the belief that everyone at the RASN’s place of employment are incompetent fools and that if it weren’t for the RASN the business would fold. We are swept up into thinking that the RASN is the finest and most knowledgeable Christian in his church – because he tells us it is so.

But what is the reality? It is this – RASNs are fools. RASNs are the divisive source of trouble in whatever circle they operate in. It is not the wife or children of the RASN who stir up the trouble and frustration, it is the RASN. “I bring in 90% of the business where I work.” “If it weren’t for my hard work and wise counsel, the pastor of my church wouldn’t be able to make it.” “If my wife just realized how fortunate she is to have me as her husband….”. But these are all lies, and where do they find their source?

In the wicked one himself. The RASN is a fountain of lies. That is the real source of his or her popularity, which in reality is just a scam.

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