Unholy Charade - Jeff Crippen

Unmasking the Domestic Abuser in the Church

Author: Jeff Crippen Page 3 of 88

RASNs are Like Their Father the Devil

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On September 11, 2025

In Churches/Church Response, Counseling

John 8:44  You are of your father the devil, and your will is to do your father’s desires. He was a murderer from the beginning, and does not stand in the truth, because there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks out of his own character, for he is a liar and the father of lies.

Light and Darkness are incompatible. They cannot be reconciled. There is no gray area or middle ground of agreement. And so it is with good and evil, righteousness and unrighteousness.

2 Corinthians 6:14-15  Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness?  (15)  What accord has Christ with Belial? Or what portion does a believer share with an unbeliever?

The RASN (reviler, abuser, sociopath, narcissist) is darkness. When we talk about this kind of individual, we are not speaking about a mere “difficult” person or about someone who is a “normal” unsaved person. We all have to operate in this fallen world and that means having to be in various relationships with non-Christian people. Employers, neighbors, family members, and so on.

But when we consider the RASN (and typically we deal here with the domestic abuser) we have left the realm of the “normal” and entered the territory of the abnormal. These are people who, like the Pharisees who hated Christ, actively seek to destroy (their father the devil is a murderer from the beginning), and they actively seek, through their arsenal of abuser tactics, to exercises power and control over their target. They are darkness and servants of the god of this world.

This is true of course of all unsaved people who are dead in their sin, in bondage to the devil. But might we not be correct in saying that there is a gradient of evil? All who are outside of Christ are in the darkness. They are servants of sin. They hate the law of God. So there is no one “good.” Not even one (see Romans 3:10ff).

But the RASN – take the narcissist or the sociopath for instance – is on the farther end of the spectrum of evil. Without conscience. Devoid of empathy. Heartless and cruel. An active hater of what is good and right.

These truths the typical professing Christian and the typical pastor or Christian counselor just doesn’t get or admit to. How often I have had these kind of people tell me “but we are all sinners.” They want to categorize the unregenerate into one common lump. But that is not reality. There really are people who are more evil than others, and RASNs are of that level of wickedness.

Therefore, when the church tells a victim of domestic abuse that she (or sometimes he) must remain in marriage to their abuser, what does this mean? It means that such “counselors” are demanding that darkness and light co-exist. Remember, I am not talking about a situation in which a Christian finds herself married to an unsaved husband. I am addressing the scenario of a Christian married to a RASN. To demand that such a non-marriage continue is to deny the nature of the wicked spouse. Jesus said that such people are of their father the devil. That they share their father’s wicked DNA and thus, like him, they are liars and murderers. They don’t just want to not think about Christ, they want to kill Him and all who belong to Him.

When a church leader then, orders an abuse victim to remain bound to her RASN, that leader is actually ordering her to continue to live with Cain, who is in various ways, acting with murderous intent toward her. I have written elsewhere that domestic abuse is murder cooked slowly. Just put her on the barbeque on low and let her cook.

The RASN’s Agenda Must be Everyone’s Agenda

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On September 2, 2025

In Abusers, hubris

If anyone teaches a different doctrine and does not agree with the sound words of our Lord Jesus Christ and the teaching that accords with godliness, he is puffed up with conceit and understands nothing. He has an unhealthy craving for controversy and for quarrels about words, which produce envy, dissension, slander, evil suspicions, and constant friction among people who are depraved in mind and deprived of the truth, imagining that godliness is a means of gain. (1 Timothy 6:3-5)

We know that RASNs (revilers, abusers, sociopaths, narcissists) are driven by their mindset of exaggerated importance. They MUST be the most important being on the planet, and everyone else only exists to feed that fantasy.

One fairly common example of this self-exalting demand is when the RASN insists that whatever HIS focus is on, whatever issue HE deems to be essential, be embraced by everyone else. I have seen this played out many times.

For instance, a Godly man I knew years ago was employed by a member of our church (no longer a member, thankfully). One day this first fellow said to me “you know, whatever thing my boss deems to be important on a given day, MUST be regarded as the ‘drop everything else and focus on this’ mission that day.” Now, that may initially sound reasonable, but in this case the “boss” was a fool. Instead of focusing on things that really needed to be done, routine, daily things that obviously had to be taken care of regularly, this employer pushed senseless duties upon everyone else. Why? Because he insisted upon being the center. And that meant that everyone else had to pull themselves off of important things and give themselves to some stupid task.

Another example in my experience was when a man showed up at our church one Sunday. He was dressed immaculately – unusually so. He gave a bit of his background, telling us all what a fine Christian he was, and claiming to have been closely connected with a professional, NBA basketball team. That week immediately following the Sunday service, he sent me an email full of flattery, asking that I meet with him that week to discuss theological issues. I responded by telling him that the way I minister to people is for them to come on Sundays regularly and to plug into my online teaching studies. His response? “Well, I can see that you don’t have time for someone like me.” I rebuked him and told him to stop his guilt-tripping manipulative tactics. He never came back.

I looked into this fellow’s past church experiences and things grew even more suspect. NO ONE at his two prior churches was willing to talk to me about him. One pastor said “we do not discuss that man with anyone.” It was almost as if the pastor was fearful?? Something very dark and hidden characterized this RASN.

I am always suspect when a new person visits our church and immediately begins to crave special attention, or offer critiques of sermons or introduce subjects which they insist everyone else show an interest in. But this is what RASNs do. They have no respect for boundaries. They insist that they be granted rights and privileges and trust that are only gained over time by evidencing oneself as trustworthy. And if our response to them is to refuse to embrace their priority issues, the fangs will come out.

Without doubt victims of domestic abusers know exactly what I am speaking of. They have lived this. Their abuser refused to let them be a person, having their own interests and goals. No. Everyone is to get on board with the RASN’s issues. Never mind that those issues will change almost daily, creating chaos and frustration.

These are the kind of people that Paul warned Timothy about in the scripture quoted above.

…he is puffed up with conceit and understands nothing. He has an unhealthy craving for controversy and for quarrels about words, which produce envy, dissension, slander, evil suspicions, and constant friction among people…

RASNs Have no Love for Animals

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On August 20, 2025

In Abusers, Pets

A very common trait in a RASN (reviler, abuser, sociopath, narcissist) is their lack of love or empathy for animals. Thinking back over the many, many RASNs I have had the sad “privilege” of knowing, I can see this void as a consistent trait.

My wife and I have had pets (mostly dogs) all the years we have been married – starting out with “Buster,” a husky/keeshund mix we got for free from some genuine hippies in NW Portland years ago. Buster was with us for 14 years and is buried on his trail in Montana which he used to go get cookies from the neighbors every day. Since then we have had Brandy, Sasha, Sadie, and now Cinder and Mocha. They live with us, go in the car – all that usual stuff dogs love.

RASNs know nothing of this. I realize that not all people who choose not to have a pet are RASNs (in many cases allergies prohibit it), but what I have observed is that RASNs consistently have no love, empathy, or kindness toward animals. That makes sense because RASNS have no love, empathy, or kindness toward PEOPLE either. They are an empathy black hole, a loveless vacuum.

I am certainly not the first person to note this trait. As you read about the mentality and tactics of RASNs, you will typically find that this void of love for creatures is quite common. In many cases there is an outright cruelty to animals, especially if the pet is one that the abuser’s victim loves.

God created the animals. Why? For man’s enjoyment and companionship. Not the full companionship which can only be given by another human being, but nevertheless for man’s enjoyment and for God’s glory the animals were created. They are part of the creation which man is charged with caring for. This is why cruelty to animals is a great sin and evil. Such wickedness will never again be found in the New Heavens and Earth when Christ comes again.

Domesticated animals such as cats and dogs and others have the capacity to demonstrate emotion. I suppose even a cow can do so if, for instance, raised from calfhood by one person as a pet. Burros and donkeys and horses do. Animals have the capacity to actually love their master. It is more than just because the master feeds them – they actually long to be WITH their master. You see it in a dog for instance, when you mention key words like “go” or “walk” or “car.” They want to be with.

It is therefore an affront to animals to call a wicked person an “animal.” Because animals have more humanity in them than a RASN does.

Why Abuse Victims are so Often Dismissed

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On August 17, 2025

In Abusers, Churches/Church Response, Counseling

Most of you know that when a victim of an abuser (RASN = reviler, abuser, sociopath, narcissist) tells someone about the abuse she (or he) is experiencing, they often meet with disbelief. They are dismissed as over reacting to things that surely are not as bad as all of that.

Why is this?

There are more than just one reason, but I want to focus here on a very typical one. It has to do with the two-faced, disguise-wearing characteristic of RASNs. What this means is that the person WE see and interact with and the person (RASN) the VICTIM interacts with are two very different persons. The person she sees is a RASN. The person we see is often the finest, saintliest, kindest individual we know.

And that is why the abuse victim’s “story” strikes us as so unbelievable – at least as long as we are naive about how these RASNs operate.

I have probably told you before of a classic example of this which I experienced years ago. A man in our church worked for another one of our church members (we will call that one Fred). One day when I took the first fellow fishing, he said to me, “Pastor, there are two Freds. There is the one you know, the one you see at church, and then there is the one I have to work for through the week. That Fred was selfish, arrogant, devoid of empathy. The Fred at church…well…he was a different person altogether. The “Christian” Fred was no Christian at all. Fortunately I had enough experience by that time with these kind of people that I did not doubt what this fellow was telling me.

So, if we are going to properly help victims of RASNs, we need to be wise. We need to understand that RASNs put on a front in public arenas, like the church, when in fact they are really an entirely different person. As long as we continue to believe that such a thing is just not possible, then we have no business giving advice or counsel to a wife, for instance, who is married to a RASN.

Article by a Blog Follower Stating Concerns about John MacArthur’s Ministry

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On July 24, 2025

In Churches/Church Response

Many thanks to N for writing this. She actually wrote it quite a long while ago but sent it to me recently after we learned that MacArthur had passed away. I decided to publish it (with her permission) –

Concerns Regarding John MacArthur and Church Leadership

“A good preacher, but a bad liver, is like a physician who has the plague: though the advice and prescription he gives may be good, yet his plague infects the patient.” ~ Thomas Watson

As a confessional reformed conservative Christian, I am deeply troubled by the actions of John MacArthur and the leadership at Grace Community Church (GCC) in response to serious allegations of abuse. Twenty years ago, an elder at GCC was convicted of heinous crimes and remains in prison. Yet, the church has not reversed the wrongful excommunication of Eileen Gray nor publicly condemned the guilty party. This failure to address past wrongs raises questions about the leadership’s commitment to justice and empathy, qualities essential to reflecting Christ’s love.

For years, those attuned to the tactics of abuse have sensed issues within GCC. The allegations surrounding MacArthur’s handling of this situation are not surprising to those who have observed these patterns. The Bible emphasizes that leaders must bear good fruit (Matthew 7:16-20). When a church defends wrongdoers or fails to protect the vulnerable, it cannot be considered sound. According to 1 Timothy 1:9-10, unsound behavior reflects unsound doctrine. Wrongful excommunication, for instance, can constitute emotional, psychological, and spiritual abuse, which is incompatible with godly leadership.

Scripture places greater emphasis on a pastor’s integrity and character than on his accomplishments or theological precision (1 Timothy 3:1-7). Regardless of how many books a leader has written, sermons preached, or institutions built, these do not outweigh a lack of integrity. If a leader fails to protect the vulnerable or acknowledge his errors publicly, his ministry lacks biblical grounding. God can use flawed individuals to accomplish His purposes, but this does not mean He approves of their actions, and neither should we. As believers, we must prioritize character over celebrity, recognizing that Satan can mimic theological prowess but cannot replicate true integrity or repentance.

A pastor must be above reproach, meaning his conduct should be beyond fault (Titus 1:6-7). Defending or enabling abuse disqualifies a leader from ministry, regardless of his achievements. The biblical standard is clear: one victim is one too many. When leaders fail to meet these qualifications, the church must hold them accountable, even if it means removing them from ministry. Compromising on this standard risks further harm to the church and its members. The most loving response is to enforce consequences, ensuring the protection of the vulnerable and the integrity of the church. 

When churches protect wrongdoers, it signals deeper corruption. As 1 Corinthians 5:6 warns, “a little leaven leavens the whole lump.” Unaddressed sin festers, damaging the entire body. Jesus exposes such corruption to reveal the true nature of a ministry. Satan, described as an angel of light (2 Corinthians 11:14), can use skilled pretenders to deceive. Thus, it is not unimaginable that a prominent leader could be corrupt. Believers are called to exercise discernment and reject deception, as warned in Scripture (2 Timothy 4:3-4).

The response to these allegations should not be dismissive or neutral, such as claiming “we don’t know”— or worse, praising the “success” of MacArthur’s ministry. Instead, the church must demand transparency and accountability. A genuine pastor whose calling is based on his character qualifications will be able to withstand intense scrutiny. If he cannot, then the Biblical response is abandonment (John 10:5, Matt 15:14). Public shaming of unrepentant leaders is also biblical (1 Timothy 5:20), and the church is not bound by secular legal standards like “innocent until proven guilty” when addressing spiritual abuse. Failing to stand against abusers and their enablers aligns the church with falsehood rather than Christ.

The church must prioritize the souls of those harmed, like Eileen Gray, over the preservation of a leader’s reputation or ministry. Imagine being the spouse of a convicted abuser, only to see your pastor defend the guilty party while you are ostracized. Such actions betray the wounded and undermine the gospel. True godliness demands justice and compassion for victims, not loyalty to influential figures. The church does not depend on any one leader; it depends on Christ alone.

The silence from GCC regarding these allegations is concerning. If the charges are as serious as reported, the church should demand an investigation to uncover the truth. Failure to do so suggests a lack of commitment to biblical standards. Leaders must be held to account, and conferences or affiliations with them should be reconsidered until clarity is provided. A good warning to those who staunchly want to exalt doctrinal teaching above character and at the expense of genuine pastoral shepherding of the wounded is that Jesus hated the Pharisees for that very reason.

Addressing abuse in the church is not about protecting a ministry but about upholding justice, righteousness, and mercy—values central to the gospel. Christians must reject the idolatry of celebrity pastors and hold leaders to the high standard of Scripture. The Bible warns that false teachers and wolves will arise among us (Acts 20:29-30), often disguised as faithful shepherds. Discernment requires us to test all things and hold fast to what is good (1 Thessalonians 5:21).

This issue demands more than passive acknowledgment. It calls for active pursuit of truth and justice. The church must prioritize the vulnerable, demand accountability, and trust God to raise up leaders who meet His standards. Only then can we reflect the heart of Christ and protect the integrity of His church. 

To the leaders of GCC I want to remind you, Jesus is the Great Shepherd and His first instinct when they are in danger was lay down His life to protect them knowing how much He had to suffer for them and bear many false accusations in the process. Any pastor whose first instinct is self preservation at the expense of the sheep is the hireling, thief and robber Jesus NEVER called to ministry (John 10: 12,13).

Three of the Very Best Messages on Raising Children I Have ever Heard

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On July 22, 2025

In Family/Children

One of the chief areas of grief in dealing with a RASN (reviler, abuser, sociopath, narcissist) is when children are involved. Most of you have experienced this very thing – how the RASN uses the children as property, as a weapon for control. How he/she abuses the children. In these three messages, especially in the second one, you will hear examples of these very tactics.

But there is also a huge amount of wisdom for everyone in these sermons by Martyn Lloyd-Jones as he speaks on Ephesians 6:1-4,

Ephesians 6:1-4  Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.  (2)  “Honor your father and mother” (this is the first commandment with a promise),  (3)  “that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.”  (4)  Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.

Here are the links to these messages, or if you have MLJ’s set of books on Ephesians, they are chapter 19-21 in the volume “Life in the Spirit.”

  1. https://mljtrust.org/sermons/book-of-ephesians/discipline-and-the-modern-mind/

    2. https://mljtrust.org/sermons/book-of-ephesians/balanced-discipline/

    3. https://mljtrust.org/sermons/book-of-ephesians/godly-upbringing/

    John MacArthur Has Died – What are we to Conclude About His Ministry?

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    On July 17, 2025

    In Churches/Church Response

    But when the Pharisees saw it, they said to him, “Look, your disciples are doing what is not lawful to do on the Sabbath.” He said to them, “Have you not read what David did when he was hungry, and those who were with him: how he entered the house of God and ate the bread of the Presence, which it was not lawful for him to eat nor for those who were with him, but only for the priests? Or have you not read in the Law how on the Sabbath the priests in the temple profane the Sabbath and are guiltless? I tell you, something greater than the temple is here. And if you had known what this means, ‘I desire mercy, and not sacrifice,’ you would not have condemned the guiltless. For the Son of Man is lord of the Sabbath.”
    (Matthew 12:2-8)

    In my early years as a pastor, I benefitted greatly from the preaching, teaching, and writing ministry of John MacArthur, Jr. I remember using his book “The Gospel According to Jesus” as a text in a Sunday morning class and we all profited from his rejection of the idea that a person can be a Christian and yet never confess Jesus as Lord (ie, obey Jesus). Because, that false teaching maintained, we are saved by grace and to require obedience to Jesus as Lord would be to add works to the gospel. MacArthur used God’s Word to shut down what really was a heresy.

    We know that MacArthur produced a tremendous number of books and articles. He preached and taught at Grace Community Church for decades, edited the MacArthur Study Bible, founded the Master’s Seminary, taught on a longstanding radio broadcast, and more.

    And yet…what are we to think? I ask this question because there have been very troubling cases of MacArthur and his elders and staff doing great harm to victims of domestic violence. The case of Eileen Gray and her abuser husband is a classic example. Eileen was publicly ex-communicated by MacArthur and the church provided comfort to her (at the time) husband, David Gray. David would ultimately be convicted of aggravated child molestation and other charges of abusing their children, a conviction for which he received a sentence of 21 plus years in prison. But even then Grace Community Church continued to support him, even helping him start a Bible study ministry to fellow prisoners.

    So…what are we to think? How can a pastor preach and teach God’s Word and accomplish such apparently great things for Christ…and yet mistreat and even endanger an abuse victim and her children? Let me suggest one explanation.

    John MacArthur fervently stood for the inerrancy and authority of the Bible. He used a “hermeneutic” (ie, a method of Bible interpretation) that was what I call “wooden literalism.” Now, I believe and teach that the Bible is indeed the inerrant and authoritative Word of God, and that we are to interpret it for exactly what it says and means. But I recognize that the Bible often uses symbols and types and figures to convey those literal truths which they represent. Much of the book of Revelation, for instance, uses such symbols and those who insist that the multiheaded beast is literally a multiheaded beast, or that the armies of locusts are actual hordes of locusts, well…such people are going to come to wrong and ridiculous conclusions. However, those symbols represent a literal thing or place or persons. To recognize the use of symbols and figures is certainly not a denial of the inspiration and inerrancy of the Bible.

    But what has this to do with John MacArthur? Simply this – his approach to the Bible was so unbending and stiff that it led him to wrong conclusions in numbers of cases, and specifically in respect to the Bible’s teaching about marriage and divorce. For MacArthur, when he read this:

    But I say to you that everyone who divorces his wife, except on the ground of sexual immorality, makes her commit adultery, and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery. (Matthew 5:32)

    …he concluded and taught that Jesus meant to establish an absolute, universal principle which applies in all cases. “Divorce for any reason but adultery and it is sin.” Boom! There it is! [If you have read David Instone-Brewer’s book “Divorce and Remarriage in the Bible,” you will understand that there are valid reasons to conclude that Jesus was dealing specifically with a particular type case which His opponents connivingly asked Him about].

    But back to MacArthur’s wooden literalism. If you simply look at the cases which he and his church leadership have handled, such as that of Eileen Gray’s, you will see that his hermeneutic led MacArthur to ridiculous, damaging, and illogical applications. No divorce ever except for adultery. No separation ever for domestic abuse. If a husband commits literal adultery with another woman, ok, the wife can divorce him. But if he has sex with one of the children….she must stay in the marriage, suffer for Jesus, and be a saintly model to the kids. See it? This is just like the Pharisees and their “letter of the law” approach to Scripture which Jesus condemned. They would refuse to support their own parents who were in need and instead give a tithe to the Temple. Jesus told them – listen to this very carefully –

    ‘I desire mercy, and not sacrifice,’ you would not have condemned the guiltless.

    It is my conclusion therefore that John MacArthur, for all of his accomplishments, failed at one of the most important points in standing for Christ. He applied the Bible in a merciless manner in cases like that of Eileen Gray and her children. Why? Only the Lord really knows, but could it be that MacArthur was soooo zealous to stand for the Bible as the Word of God and to oppose the heresies of liberal theology and the false gospel or Rome, that his zeal carried him into the realm of error and merciless handling of cases where mercy was required?

    There are lessons here for all of us. Every Christian must be zealous for the Lord, but we must be sure that our zeal is really for God and His truth and not something concocted by our own ideas. Paul saw this error in his own countrymen:

    For I bear them witness that they have a zeal for God, but not according to knowledge. (Romans 10:2)

    We must also recognize that we go wrong if we make too much of any man and begin to regard him as infallible. Those are dangers lurking for all who look at the ministry accomplishments of MacArthur. We can be thankful for the good, but always aware that our trust must be in the Lord alone and never come to a point of accepting something simply because a famed man said it.

    We should pray that the pastoral staff of Grace Community Church and the Master’s Seminary faculty all have their eyes opened by the Lord and turn away from their serious errors of denying mercy to those in need of it.

    The RASN’s Jealousy

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    On July 10, 2025

    In jealousy

    For jealousy makes a man furious, and he will not spare when he takes revenge. (Proverbs 6:34)

    Jealousy can have a positive connotation – after all, The Lord Himself is a jealous God. Jealous for His people and jealous for the glory that belongs to Him alone. There is this kind of good jealousy to be found in humans sometimes – when they are jealous for the glory of God for example.

    But jealousy as a sin is one of the most destructive of all evils. There was this kind of jealousy in Cain when he murdered Abel. And we see it in King Saul when he heard the crowds praising David for slaying his 10,000’s. Saul’s friendship with David was turned to murderous hatred by his envy.

    This same kind of wicked jealousy is to be seen in the RASN (reviler, abuser, sociopath, narcissist). It will turn a Hobbit into a Gollum (my precious!!!). Some of you have no doubt seen this dark transformation. Someone who once seemed to be a great friend, in the end, hated you and wanted to destroy you. So often, jealousy is a root cause for this.

    In the church, I have seen this very thing play itself out. At first here was a man who for all appearances was a zealous Christian – but over time, “zealous” turned to “jealous.” Why? Because covetousness was lying rather dormant in such a person’s heart, not evidencing itself overtly. And then, as time passed, perhaps you enjoyed some successes, some blessings from the Lord. This might have been in your ministry for the Lord in His church or it may have been a promotion at work. What happened to that “friend?” Jealousy sprang up alive seeing that you were receiving something they wanted.

    When someone is consumed with jealousy, they characteristically begin to accuse you of “leaving them out” or “keeping all the credit” for yourself. These are projections of the RASN’s own sin of course. But very soon the fruit of jealousy always appears – hatred. Like Saul who through a spear at David to kill him, the RASN starts launching his spears as well.

    Now, as this metamorphosis happens, the probability is that you do not even see it until the thing just explodes. You are left wondering -“what in the world happened here? I don’t even recognize this person anymore.” Well, the explanation is jealousy. The RASN sees what you have and demands to have it. Instead of rejoicing that the Lord has blessed you (and if in connection with the church, He has blessed all the members), the RASN gnashes his teeth.

    The Pharisees went out and immediately held counsel with the Herodians against him, how to destroy him. (Mark 3:6)

    RASN’s, like the Pharisees, are jealous for their own glory and they hate anyone who appears to be enjoying the success they crave. And thus they become fools. RASNs are fools. They destroy the best people around them.

    Why Do We Replay Conversations?

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    On June 27, 2025

    In Counseling

    Do you replay conversations and interactions in your mind? Normal people do this quite typically – “I wonder if they understood what I meant? Perhaps I could have been more clear.” Or “I’m not sure I really understood what they were trying to say.” Such replays are not only normal, they are often a good thing. We want to be understood and we want to understand. We want to reflect upon ourselves to be sure that we helped the other person or if we could have done better.

    Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight, O LORD, my rock and my redeemer. (Psalms 19:14)

    But – there can be another reason for this replay that carries it to an unhealthy level. That reason is found in the actions of the RASN (reviler, abuser, sociopath, narcissist) against us. RASNs, by their words and actions, intend to erode our self-confidence. By their constant accusing, crazy-making, and other mixtures of their poisons, they can cause us to be excessively introspective and doubtful. This is why we so often find abuse victims saying “I’m sorry” when in reality they have nothing to apologize for.

    Replaying conversations and interactions with others to this kind of morbid introspection is an indication that something has happened. If a person spends their days walking on eggshells, one of those eggshells is often going to be “I hope I didn’t upset him by what I said. Perhaps I should have worded things differently.”

    When we are in regular contact with people who consistently assign the worst motives to us, replaying the conversations can become a kind of mental chain-reaction which the RASN sets off in our minds. He lights the fuse and kicks that first domino over then walks away, leaving us to our self-accusing thoughts.

    I suspect that many of you have replayed the very same conversation over and over and over dozens, maybe even hundreds of times. You wake up in the morning and there is the video playing again in your mind. We get tired of watching even our favorite movie after, say, the tenth viewing – but these unhealthy replays set off by the RASN don’t just go away with the click of a remote.

    Perhaps the first step in conquering this kind of thing is to recognize what is going on. When we replay and replay and replay an interaction or conversation, it is an indication that someone or something has instilled false guilt and self-doubt in us. True conviction does not do this. When we really have, for example, sinned with our words, our conscience functions to replay what we have done in order that we might see it, confess it, repent of it, and seek forgiveness from the Lord and the person we wronged. Case closed. Remote “off” button clicked. Tape erased. But that is all a different matter that this trauma-caused replaying.

    Once we realize the origin of these damaging replays – once we realize they are the result of RASN tactics, then we can counter the lies with truth and be set free. And I would add one other point. FEAR is intimately involved in this evil business. RASNs, being of their father the devil, share in his nature and tactics. Satan holds people in bondage by fear. So think this through. Replaying conversations and interactions in a destructive way is something that is evidence of fear. So, we ask ourselves, “why am I doing this? What is it that I am afraid of?” Answering that question is a powerful antidote to the poison.

    Still Seeking Your RASN Father’s Approval?

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    On June 21, 2025

    In Family/Children, Getting Free

    I in them and you in me, that they may become perfectly one, so that the world may know that you sent me and loved them even as you loved me. (John 17:23)

    Not everyone has the privilege of growing up in a home where their parents truly loved them. More often than we would like to think, a parent is a RASN (reviler, abuser, sociopath, narcissist).

    It is natural to human beings to desire to be loved, for example, by their father. In fact, most children believe that their parents (let’s focus on the father in this article) really do love them. But if their father is, for instance, a narcissist, the sad truth is that the child is not loved by dad. Narcissists don’t love. They don’t have empathy. They are users, the center of the universe. Even their children exist only to praise and serve them. The whole scenario is incredibly confusing and crazy-making to a child as the years go by. In spite of all the shaming, guilting, abuse and other ugly tactics, people generally grow up telling themselves that their father does love them.

    But he doesn’t. He never did. He doesn’t love anyone.

    Now, as a child enters adulthood, this false believe doesn’t disappear. However, at the same time the child, now an adult, continues to try to earn his or her father’s approval. We all want our father’s approval. You rehearse scenarios in your mind – even if you had a good father – in which your performance pleases dad. You also rehearse those scenes where you failed to earn dad’s approval. But the nasty dynamic which a narcissist father instills in his children is a no-win setting. Always striving. Always trying. Must have dad’s approval.

    But they never will have it. the narcissist only approves of himself and demands that everyone else approve of him regardless of the truth that he deserves no approval at all.

    So how does such a person (the now adult one-time child) break out of this addiction to dad’s approval? I suggest that there is only one ultimate, lasting way to get free and it is this – you need to realize that in Christ you have a real Father who really loves you and approves of you. [I am talking to Christians here – those who have been born again by faith alone in Christ alone. God the Father does not approve of those who reject Him]. The thing is quite incredible. You see it in the scripture quoted above. When we are born again, when we are thereby in Christ, the Father loves us with the same love by which He loves His Son! We won’t get a real handle on this until the day we are with Him in the new heavens and earth. But it’s true.

    We need to embrace this truth. In Christ, we are a child of God (don’t believe that lie that all people are God’s children. They aren’t). In Christ we have a Father in heaven who loves us with a love that not even the most loving earthly father could direct toward us. Our Father who art in heaven…. And this Father not only loves, He IS love for all who love Him.

    This is where freedom really is to be found. Those recurring replays in my mind where I earn my earthly father’s approval or fail to get it, where I wish and wish and wish I could go back in time and “get it right,” are all flights of fancy, vestiges instilled in our minds by a father whose love was imperfect or non-existent. If only… but the “if” will never happen.

    So turn the eyes of your mind upward where your true life is. Dive into your real Father’s Word where He meets you and realize more and more and more that because of Christ and this great salvation the Father has given us in Him, you already have His love. Serve Him, believe His promises, confess your sins to Him and receive His forgiveness, and look forward daily to that day of all days when you hear Him say, “well done, good and faithful servant.”

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