Unmasking the Domestic Abuser in the Church

Words of Wisdom About Abuse

My friend Joenne posted this on her facebook page and I asked her if I could post it here. This is truth here. Thank you Joenne!

October is Domestic Abuse Awareness month, so just a little food for thought. I am not angry, bitter or unforgiving toward anyone, God has simply made me strong in His power, has healed me and will continue to strengthen and heal me.

When people tell you that your abuser “never says anything bad about you” but that you “don’t have much good to say about them”, tell them this, because this is what good psychologists and counselors say about that:“Well, the abuser wasn’t abused or traumatized by anyone, in anyway, nor left with C-PTSD or emotionally abused to the point of breaking, so why would they have anything bad to say about the people who were their victims? Their victims didn’t do anything to them.” Then contemplate that perhaps you are just being manipulated and perhaps the abuser has plenty bad to say, they just don’t say it to you because they want to look good to you and keep you as their flying monkey.

Also contemplate the difference between human sins and failings and abuse. They are not the same. Abusers desire to make the failings of their victims equal to their abuse of them, but there is no comparison. Burning the toast, spending too much money, being weary, making a bad choice, being depressed, not wanting to be intimate with your abuser or just being angry at being abused, are not abuse, nor do those things cause trauma in someone.

The fracturing that happens to abuse survivors is mostly due to physiological changes in their brains, due to the abuse. It is not just emotional or spiritual. The brain itself changes when someone is being abused, especially in long-term abuse. Survivors of trauma need to talk about it in order to heal. Just be sure you are talking to one or two people you are safe with and don’t allow your brain to spew information to others who are only there to judge you.

People who have deep trauma may do things they would not ordinarily do, that even they don’t understand. That is because the brain is injured cognitively as well, when someone is deeply traumatized. They are living in a blinding fog, meant to actually protect the brain from further injury. So don’t be shocked when a trauma survivor does things you would not expect from them. Instead of getting into a religious and spiritually abusive mode, maybe try reaching out to them and love them like Christ commands us to. They will heal over time, much better if they are loved through it.

I had to have neuro-psychology testing done last year for the illness I now bear, in order to get a cognitive baseline to watch for advancing disease. They take a basic, but not in depth, history of your life. After I gave my history, the doctor said to me, “You know why you are physically sick and having brain issues, right?” I began explaining the illness and he stopped me and said, “It’s because you have had so much trauma in your life. We now know that deep trauma causes things in the immune system and brain to change physiologically, and that is why you have become so ill”.

I wish Christians were not so quick to judge outwardly, but to love people as they are commanded by God and stop throwing people away. I have learned so much from all I have gone through and while others may judge, God has healed and I am looking forward to the ministry He has prepared me for, to help others know the true Gospel so we can begin helping the wounded instead of making them sacrifices to our sinful spiritual abuse of them. What you intended to do to harm me, God intended for good and has used for my own good and His glory, to help many people and bring the truth of the Gospel and how to live it, to many. May God heal all survivors’ spirits. That is all.


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More Thoughts on Getting Free from Victimhood


  1. Leanne

    Thanks for this post. Very helpful!!

  2. HealingInHim

    Thank you for posting this.
    This has been my prayer, “What you intended to do to harm me, God intended for good and has used for my own good and His glory, to help many people and bring the truth of the Gospel and how to live it, to many.”

  3. Anonymous

    I have found that when I talk, people seem to care but then they do a disappearing act and avoid me as much as possible, and certainly don’t set themselves up in a situation where I might talk to them again. I hear, “What can I do to support you?” I answer, “Give me a reason to get out of the house occasionally. Invite me to meet you for a walk or for coffee.” And that’s where it stops. This even includes my (former) pastor’s wife.

  4. M.H

    Thank you for your very true words.
    What a shame it’s like this.

    After going through the trauma, your even more isolated when you are treated and judged like that. I even have felt like I was harassing my so called supportive friends who I trusted from the church as they were ignoring all communications. I was worried they would tell other people and this is dangerous for me in my situation. I am not surprised if they did. Just some juicy gossip to spread- how exciting it would be for them. My story is definitely not to be talked about. Yet that doesn’t matter because judging people and spreading juicy info is more worth the attention if you want to be the one who wants to be in control. I really don’t get peoples maturity levels most of the time.

    You live you learn!

    Since speaking out, I would have preferred not to. I felt they ganged up on me and cut all ties. What’s the point ?
    I need to save alot of money to talk to therapists ect as a single parent to heal as it’s their job to keep it confidential.

    I honestly pray to God the education gets through to the people soon.
    Thank God for Jeff Crippen and everyone associated.
    Thank you for all your support.
    Bless you all

    • Anonymous

      Dear M.H
      The word dangerous jumps out at me. As well as having regret for speaking out.
      If it gives you any comfort, please know that I felt the same way and the abuse advocate counselor told me that this is part of the abuser’s tactic – to silence you, and keep the charade of “such a nice guy “ going, with the intention of continuing and possibly escalating the abuse.
      You have great courage and strength to speak out. What others do with this information will be their very own problem to deal with. But you turned on the lights and the abuser is exposed. Dangerous abusers love dishing it out in secret.
      Even if every single person turns their back on you and uses this for feeding gossip, the abuser is still exposed.
      My dangerous abuser backed off on the threats to physically destroy me and launched his best and most vile smear campaign possible. And it did it’s work. But subconsciously he understands the seed of his violent nature has been planted in darkness and now is getting light for all to see.
      Take care, have no regrets, and stay safe. That is what gave me the space to open my Bible and start healing. There is a great deal of information at the National Domestic Violence website.

      • IamMyBeloved’s

        I accidentally “liked” your comment. As Christians, we are to follow the Lord and His Word, not the world’s advice. It is just as easy for you to recognize that an abuser’s abuse is on them, not you, as it is to say that if others don’t want to hear your story, that it is on them. The need to tell everyone whether they care or not, is actually on you and demonstrates that you are seeing the abuse as a result of yourself somehow, or that you have drunk it down and still see yourself as a victim. It also shows you feel it is necessary to expose his sin and that you think others are not able or smart enough to see it when/if God exposes it, instead of you. The Bible tells us to do no such thing. It tells us how to bear our suffering the way God would have us. Bitterness and unforgiveness is what makes victims of abuse look bad and causes judgment from others to fall on us. It is not our job to make sure the world knows our exes are abusers. That’s on them to figure out and for the Lord to expose. It is our job, if we are Christians, to let others see the image of Christ in us and how He delivers and heals, by our response and behavior toward the abuse and the abuser, and that we trust Him to restore us. When we rightly handle our suffering, it is a testimony to others, how greatly we trust the Lord to rescue us, and indeed He does and is completely trustworthy in His care for us.. It is not our job to add to the sin that’s been done. Our job is to show others how to heal from abuse, not enable them to remain in victim hood or be bitter and unforgiving, which are simply signs that we are still in the grip of abuse. It is always best for us to stop making our identity with what has happened to us, and find our identity in who Christ says we are. That is where we find healing. Abuse is on the abuser, not us, and God promises to expose them in His time and in His way which is always better than us doing that. These are all reasons why it is important to find one or two trustworthy people to share our story with, seek support from and not just spew everything to everyone. I pray you find healing in the Lord which will be better than trying to heal yourself through worldly counsel and ways.

        • Anonymous

          I am truly sorry that my comment was misjudged as an encouragement to wallow in victimhood. It is my understanding and experience that healing from domestic violence, as well as the betrayal of the church, family and friends, is a progression and process. It is not my place to judge where a survivor of abuse is on her journey to healing.
          I apologize for the poor communication leading to this misunderstanding.

          • IamMyBeloved’s

            It is difficult to rightly interpret posts at times, so I apologize for not rightly interpreting your comment. No, we cannot judge others in their journey, but too many are getting lost in victim hood and our hope is to help them move forward and heal.

  5. Anonymous

    Thanks for your message!
    The only reason why I had “spewed” out parts of my story was because I was in a Christian recovery program and we had to share testimonies and speak about our personal experiences in front of the class – so I was in a safe place but looking back it wasn’t even safe to share

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