Last Wednesday I wrote a post on how men’s and women’s church ministries very often promote abuse in the church. In response, Wingingit made a wonderfully accurate comment that really says what I was trying to say, only better. So here is her comment in a stand alone post to be sure everyone sees it. Many thanks to her:
Author: Jeff Crippen Page 59 of 88
Rite (Mack’s wife) sent the following good news update this morning. Please continue to pray for Mack and Rite. He still has a long way to go:
Dr McCord update:
– This morning they checked his labs and Mack’s kidneys are functioning on their own❣️❣️ Dr McCord said it is amazing how they are doing❣️ I told him it is answered prayers, that there are many praying for him. The dr said it is a nerve racking time to let him go to rehab, but they will keep a close eye on him there.
– Mack will have a follow up with his surgeon, Dr Worst, later to see about the fluids around his kidneys. The fluids are the reason he will continue with tube feeding, to bypass the pancreas.Once he is stronger, and the cyst has matured, they may remove it.
– They will check around next Wednesday to see if he needs dialysis.
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Thank you fro the support and prayers ❣️you are all so much appreciated 
️
I would like to ask all of you to pray for my friends Mack and his wife Rite (pronounced “Reet”). Mack has been an elder in our church here for many years. Both he and Rite were here when I came 27 years ago and they have faithfully stood with us through many trials. Mack supported the start of our ministry to expose abusers in the church and help victims and he stood with us against some wicked people who tried to prevent it.
Nearly 4 weeks ago, Mack was stricken with pacreatitis and rushed to the hospital. He has been in the hospital now for nearly a month, most of which was in ICU. His kidney are not working right, his pancreas is not back to normal, and he has had issues with blood pressure and his heart. He is slowly improving but has a long way to go.
What makes this even more difficult is that due to the corona virus, none of us can go visit him. So he has not been able to see Rite for all this time – fortunately they can facetime at least.
So I thought I would ask all of you to pray for Mack and Rite, that the Lord might heal Mack quickly and bring him back home. If you have followed our livestream worship service broadcasts on facebook, you have seen Mack up front each week leading the music.
Thank you all.
We have just published another new book, Light for Dark Times: An Arsenal of Truth to Expose Domestic Abuse.
It is a compilation of 96 blog posts from Unholy Charade put into book form and you can order it now on Amazon. [I inserted the front cover image here and put the Amazon link on it. If it doesn’t work, just go search for my name or the book title on Amazon]. This is the description from the back cover:
This book is a kind of arsenal. Battle armor, you might say, to be used defensively and offensively against evil, and specifically against the evil we call abuse. Here I have put into print form (with the help of several excellent friends) some articles which are taken from my blog, Unholy Charade (unholycharade.com) If you follow the blog, you will recognize many of them.I hope that it is an arsenal of the Lord’s truth and not just my opinions. Blog post topics almost always come to my mind when I am reading the Bible, or when something many of you have written to me turns my thinking toward a particular Scripture. We need such an arsenal to help us wield the Sword the Lord has given us in His Word to be used to expose and destroy the evil weaponry that strives to oppose Christ and His people.
Galatians 3:28 ESV There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free, there is no male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus.
I have had a sticky note on my desk to write about this subject for a few weeks now, so I am finally getting to it. Let me start off with this: I don’t like the typical men’s/women’s ministries in local churches. And you already know that I am going to tell you why!
As you know, most of the domestic abuse victims we hear from are women. Abusers are most often men. But not always. We have dealt with cases in which the woman was clearly the abuser, and in some ways it is even more difficult for men to understand what is happening to them and to ask anyone for help.
The typical male abuser who contacts us, wants our help in pressuring his wife to remain married to him. He has normally already gained his church as his ally and he is seeking to make us his ally, or at least to cause us to doubt his victim’s report to us.
In this post, I am publishing a letter from a pastor and an assistant pastor which was written to a man in their congregation. This man, whom we will call Jim, went to them for help. His wife was a classic abuser. Jim’s goal in contacting us was not to help him keep control and power over his wife, but to help him understand what God’s will is for him in his marriage. Therefore, none of the typical elements of a male abuser trying to dupe us into helping him are present in this case, but just the reverse.
All satire here is my doing, not the victim’s. All hostility from Screwtape and Wormwood is to be directed at me and I will be happy to counter additional twistings of God’s Word that they attempt to launch. I have changed the names, but otherwise this is an actual letter showing the typical kind of oppression a domestic abuse victim receives at the hands of their pastors. I could write a long essay about the many falsehoods in this letter, but I will just post it for now and you all can comment and share your insights. Let’s help everyone see the errors and biblical twistings this letter contains. Oh, and the few boldface all-caps comments are mine – at points that I couldn’t resist saying something.
Psalms 21:7-8 For the king trusts in the LORD, and through the steadfast love of the Most High he shall not be moved. Your hand will find out all your enemies; your right hand will find out those who hate you.
One of the very common tactics of abusers is variously called crazy-making, or alleged Stockholm syndrome. Those aren’t exactly the same things, but they both mess with your mind in a big way. They lay false guilt on you, shame you, make you blame yourself and justify your abuser…and on and on. Recently I saw this kind of mechanism at work and thought it would be a good thing to share with you.
So here is a family member. Could be an abuser spouse, or as we all know, it could be a relative who abuses to control. Charming exterior persona. Well-liked by and popular with tons of people. But behind the scenes, you get this nasty email or comment. Maybe something like, “if you really loved so and so you would do so and so and because you have not done so and so, well, you just don’t care at all about so and so. I just don’t think I can be around you. Go away.” Keep in mind now that we are talking about a scenario in which YOU in fact did NOTHING wrong. Your “offense” is a creation of the wicked one’s imaginations.
Job 33:9-10 You say, ‘I am pure, without transgression; I am clean, and there is no iniquity in me. Behold, he finds occasions against me, he counts me as his enemy.
Punishment, you see. For what? For not doing what they demand you do. Keep in mind of course that generally these kind NEVER communicate their expectations to you. Their goal is to control, not to work things out you see.
Alright, that’s the attack and the punishment. What comes next? In a normal, healthy relationship what would come next is repentance by them. “I had to call and tell you how sorry I am for the way I behaved toward you the other day. I was in a foul mood, but that’s no excuse. Please forgive me.” But this isn’t a normal, healthy, safe relationship. You can never have and will never have a healthy relationship with an abuser. No, here is what comes next: “I just called to tell you what a great job you did the other day. That was a very special thing you did and I really appreciate you for it.”
Huh? Am I nuts? Didn’t you just tell me a few days back that you don’t want to be around a piece of scum like me? Did that really happen? Maybe I misunderstood…no, no, it happened. You blasted me and guilted me and told me you didn’t want to see my face. So what’s this all about? What’s this “making nice” as if the ugliness never occurred?
Well, what it is is wickedness. It is evidence that this person is polished at using abuser tactics to control, to manipulate, and to possess power over another, all the while maintaining outwardly their masquerade as “the greatest person ever known.” You see, this kind of — what shall we call it — antipodal behavior, this exercising of opposites, is intentionally designed to keep you off balance. It’s purpose is to instill self-doubt in you. It is a kind of psychological conditioning not really that different from giving an animal some kind of negative punishment (jolt on the shock collar for barking) and then a doggie cookie for when they do something good (go potty somewhere besides on the living room carpet). A conditioned animal obeys. So does an abuse victim as long as they don’t understand what is happening to them.
The solution? See what is happening. Name it for what it is. Recognize the person using that tactic habitually is an evil, unsafe person. Work to withdraw yourself from relationship with that person.
Psalms 69:4 ESV More in number than the hairs of my head are those who hate me without cause; mighty are those who would destroy me, those who attack me with lies. What I did not steal must I now restore?
Psalms 109:2-5 ESV For wicked and deceitful mouths are opened against me, speaking against me with lying tongues. (3) They encircle me with words of hate, and attack me without cause. (4) In return for my love they accuse me, but I give myself to prayer. (5) So they reward me evil for good, and hatred for my love.
I maintain that at the root of an abuser’s hatred for his/her Christian spouse is hatred for Christ. One of the most confusing things about domestic abuse – hating one’s own flesh – is, “why?” What is the reason he hates her so? What is the motive for all this evil?
Scott Allen Johnson wrote the first book that I ever read about abusers (domestic and/or sexual). It opened my eyes to what had been happening to me as a pastor for over 20 years at the hands of power and control seekers, spiritual abusers, all of whom used their wicked devices to discourage me and destroy my ministry. All of course were wearing pious, holy disguises and had everyone duped. I am convinced that the Lord put this book in my hands at just the right time, and the lights went on. Johnson was writing about the wicked people who I had been attacked by for years and now I understood the nature of this evil.
Look at this paragraph from Johnson’s book. He is writing here about the victim of sexual abuse by the victim’s father, but I am sure that you will all see that this scenario is exactly the same when a victim of domestic abuse of any kind blows the whistle: