Unholy Charade - Jeff Crippen

Unmasking the Domestic Abuser in the Church

Author: Jeff Crippen Page 56 of 88

When Anger is Godly

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On August 26, 2020

In Victims

As we write about abuse, as we speak about it and give counsel to abuse victims, the subject and question of ANGER frequently comes up. It arises in various ways:

  1. Victims who are Christians are conflicted because they are angry, yet they think that it is a sin to be angry.
  2. We feel anger when we hear victims tell us how they are being treated with terrible injustice by their churches.
  3. Critics cry “foul!” when we expose and critique some beloved notable Christian leader, pastor, author, theologian’s erroneous and damaging teachings that add immense suffering to abuse victims and enable abusers.  “How unkind, how unloving to be so critical of a brother in Christ!  You should be ashamed!”  So they are angry with us because we are angry. (Increasingly, I am convinced that these critics are motivated by a blind loyalty to their icons and would be upset with anyone who would question their chosen one for anything).

But there is a time for anger:

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven: a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;  a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; a time to seek, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away; a time to tear, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak; a time to love, and a time to hate; a time for war, and a time for peace.

Anger in its essence is not sinful.  That is obvious because God is angry.  God incarnate was angry — intensely so.  In fact, to not be angry is a sin sometimes:

Matthew 23:13-25 But woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you shut the kingdom of heaven in people’s faces. For you neither enter yourselves nor allow those who would enter to go in.
Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you devour widows’ houses and for a pretense you make long prayers; therefore you will receive the greater condemnation.
Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you travel across sea and land to make a single proselyte, and when he becomes a proselyte, you make him twice as much a child of hell as yourselves.
Woe to you, blind guides, who say, ‘If anyone swears by the temple, it is nothing, but if anyone swears by the gold of the temple, he is bound by his oath.’ You blind fools! For which is greater, the gold or the temple that has made the gold sacred? And you say, ‘If anyone swears by the altar, it is nothing, but if anyone swears by the gift that is on the altar, he is bound by his oath.’ You blind men! For which is greater, the gift or the altar that makes the gift sacred? So whoever swears by the altar swears by it and by everything on it. And whoever swears by the temple swears by it and by him who dwells in it. And whoever swears by heaven swears by the throne of God and by him who sits upon it.
Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you tithe mint and dill and cumin, and have neglected the weightier matters of the law: justice and mercy and faithfulness. These you ought to have done, without neglecting the others. You blind guides, straining out a gnat and swallowing a camel!
Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you clean the outside of the cup and the plate, but inside they are full of greed and self-indulgence.

Bancroft refers to “dispassionate, academic” ways of writing and speaking about things.  He says that those attitudes have their place, but that when it comes to the atrocious injustice of abuse, we need to be angry. He is right. Be angry and don’t sin. But be angry. “Woe to you…. abusers!  Woe to you false shepherds who protect the abuser!”  Woe to anyone who stands in front of their congregation and authoritatively (implying his authority is from God) declares things that oppress and enslave the innocent. Woe to you who heap huge loads of guilt upon the weak! Woe to you who demand that a woman submit to her abuser and to you as her priest.
For such anger, we will be labeled “un-scholarly” and “radical” and “slanderous.” But what kinds of labels were laid on Jesus, do you suppose, when He publicly declared the iconic religious leaders and teachers of His day to be objects of God’s wrath? If God Himself is moved to wrath when the innocent are oppressed, so will His children who have become partakers of His nature.
When our critics say “why are you so angry at all of this?” we ask them “why aren’t you?”

The Other Way to Peace

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On August 24, 2020

In Getting Free

2 Thessalonians 1:6-10 ESV  since indeed God considers it just to repay with affliction those who afflict you,  (7)  and to grant relief to you who are afflicted as well as to us, when the Lord Jesus is revealed from heaven with his mighty angels  (8)  in flaming fire, inflicting vengeance on those who do not know God and on those who do not obey the gospel of our Lord Jesus.  (9)  They will suffer the punishment of eternal destruction, away from the presence of the Lord and from the glory of his might,  (10)  when he comes on that day to be glorified in his saints, and to be marveled at among all who have believed, because our testimony to you was believed.

There is no peace when the wicked are present in our lives. Yes, we who know Christ experience peace with God, but when it comes to having peace in relationships with others, real peace is unattainable when it comes to dealing with evil people. All domestic abuse victims and survivors know this. Day by day, moment by moment, there is anything but peace. Even when those brief appearances of peace come, they are counterfeit. Set ups for the next attack.
Now, most professing Christians and churches tell us that we can have relational peace with anyone. But the burden for attaining it is on our back. WE must forgive. WE must effect reconciliation. WE must be humble. WE must…convert those people to Christ! And this is presented as the only path to peace with “difficult” people.
But there is another way, and the Bible is filled with its descriptions.

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Magic, Superstition, and Biblical Faith

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On August 19, 2020

In Churches/Church Response, Counseling, False Teaching

Acts 19:18-19 ESV  Also many of those who were now believers came, confessing and divulging their practices.  (19)  And a number of those who had practiced magic arts brought their books together and burned them in the sight of all. And they counted the value of them and found it came to fifty thousand pieces of silver.

Magic is an attempt by man to direct and manipulate the spiritual realm. By means of incantations, spells, potions and other methods that are really witchcraft (forbidden by the Lord), practitioners of these dark deeds believe they can assume God’s role and bring about outcomes of their liking. These evils have no place in the life of the Christian, as the new Christians in Ephesus recognized immediately.
Much of what parades as Christianity is actually superstition and magic. Prayer becomes a christianized form of incantation (remember Jesus told us that we are not to pray like the Gentiles with meaningless repetition). Satan and demons are supposedly rebuked and defeated by assorted formulas that allegedly are derived from the Bible.  They are not.

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The Wicked Demand Secrecy – Darkness Hates the Light

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On August 17, 2020

In Abusers

When in hearing the Word preached, and sins reproved in the congregation, some hearers misapply the same. As for example, the minister reproves the sin of swearing, of drunkenness, or any such sin; then someone guilty thereof, does not only surmise, but also breaks forth into this speech: Now the preacher means me; he speaks this of me; he censures my facts and speeches. Hereupon follow spite and malice against the person of the minister, and also rash censuring and condemning of his ministry. [From an unknown Puritan minister of long ago]

A friend sent me this quotation recently. They did so because all of us here in this church have seen this very thing played out many times over the years. We have been hated by the wicked because the preaching of God’s Word exposed their evil.
The wicked, and perhaps even especially domestic abusers pretending to be holy Christians, hate any kind of exposure and they stand ready to punish any hint of light shining on who they really are and what they are really doing.

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Child Custody and Solomon's Wisdom

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On August 12, 2020

In Family/Children

1 Kings 3:25-28 ESV  And the king said, “Divide the living child in two, and give half to the one and half to the other.”  (26)  Then the woman whose son was alive said to the king, because her heart yearned for her son, “Oh, my lord, give her the living child, and by no means put him to death.” But the other said, “He shall be neither mine nor yours; divide him.”  (27)  Then the king answered and said, “Give the living child to the first woman, and by no means put him to death; she is his mother.”  (28)  And all Israel heard of the judgment that the king had rendered, and they stood in awe of the king, because they perceived that the wisdom of God was in him to do justice.

This account of course is given to us in Scripture to demonstrate that the Lord had indeed given King Solomon wisdom that could only come from the Spirit of God. Solomon, in this, is a picture of the Messiah who will one day judge the earth in perfect, unfailing, all-knowing wisdom.
As I read these verses, the whole child custody, family court business came to mind. Because actually what Solomon was dealing with was a child custody case, and to resolve it with perfect justice, he needed to find out which woman was lying – which was evil and which was righteous. By the Lord’s own wisdom, he was able to get to the bottom of it.

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Beware of Marriage "Intensives" and Other Quickfix Programs

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On August 10, 2020

In Churches/Church Response, Counseling, False Teaching

John 3:7 ESV  Do not marvel that I said to you, ‘You must be born again.’

With some frequency I receive reports from domestic abuse victims/survivors about how they were directed to various types of short term programs that promised a cure for their marriage. A common name for such scams is “marriage intensives” though other titles probably are used as well. The idea is that the abuser and his/her spouse go away together and participate in counseling and other exercises, the goal of which is that in a few days or less, “the Lord will wonderfully heal things.”
It’s a scam.

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"Everyone is a Christian" – Another Lie the Enemy Loves

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On August 5, 2020

In False Teaching

1 John 2:4 ESV  Whoever says “I know him” but does not keep his commandments is a liar, and the truth is not in him,

Years ago I was at a wedding where the presiding pastor was from a large “happening” church. (I have long since concluded that all that is “happening” in such churches is counterfeit religion). At the beginning of the ceremony, this Mr. nice Guy announced that the bride and groom were the most wonderful people on the planet, and declared that they had both become Christians under his expert pre-marital counseling. And then he said, “these people are awesome. All of you need to pray for them! Pray for them!”

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"Never Say Anything Negative About Anyone" – The Wicked Love that Line

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On August 3, 2020

In Churches/Church Response

2 Timothy 4:14-15 ESV  Alexander the coppersmith did me great harm; the Lord will repay him according to his deeds.  (15)  Beware of him yourself, for he strongly opposed our message.

There is an atmosphere, a culture, an often unspoken law in many, many churches and professing Christian families and organizations. The thing is communicated in many ways, often covertly or by implication, but primarily it comes into view when it is “violated.” I am speaking of the notion that a Christian is never to say anything negative about anyone. We are expected to “love” the sinner, to show “mercy” to those who hate the Lord, and anyone who dare say something negative about someone else, soon finds out that they suffer the consequences of this unspoken law.

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The Persistent Widow of Luke 18

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On July 29, 2020

In Biblical Teaching

Many of you have either been through the family court system (such a nice name, right?) or you are still enduring the suffering of that battleground. Not only at the hands of your abuser, but many times through the injustice of the court itself.  And so often these scenarios leave us all with a feeling of real helplessness because, unless you have piles of money at hand, what can we do to help? Attorney fees build and build. Sadly, and maddeningly, there are more than a few attorneys who seem to be in the thing just for the money and not to see justice done. It is not an easy task for an abuse victim to find a competent and honest attorney to take the case. Judges often seem to embrace the “children must always have a relationship with both parents in order to be healthy” theory. Verdicts are rendered that simply are not just, and that after sometimes years of grueling legal battle.
God sees it. God knows. God renders His verdict in the heavens, and one Day He promises justice:

Luke 18: 1-8: And he told them a parable to the effect that they ought always to pray and not lose heart.  He said, “In a certain city there was a judge who neither feared God more respected man.  And there was a widow in that city who keep coming to him and saying, “Give me justice against my adversary.’ For a while he refused, but afterward he said to himself, ‘Though I neither fear God nor respect man, yet because this widow keeps bothering me, I will give her justice, so that she will not beat me down by her continual coming.’”
And the Lord said, “Hear what the unrighteous judge says.  And will not God give justice to his elect, who cry to him day and night? Will he delay long over them? I tell you, he will give justice to them speedily.  Nevertheless, when the Son of Man comes, will he find faith on earth?”

She's marrying a sociopath and there is nothing anyone can do about it

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On July 27, 2020

In Churches/Church Response

The sins of some men are conspicuous, going before them to judgment, but the sins of others appear later. (1 Timothy 5:24)

There is a young lady, 19 years old, a Christian, raised in a conservative church, wants to serve the Lord…and she is engaged to be married. She has great plans for a Godly, Christian home. Her fiance, well, she met him in church. Everyone thinks the world of him and so does she. No doubt the Lord is really going to use this fellow for His Kingdom. Maybe as a pastor or a missionary even. Even the pastor thinks so.
But none of this dream life is going to happen. Why? Because this young lady is about to marry a sociopath, and there is nothing anyone can do to stop it. Oh, we could try, but no one would believe our warnings, including the bride to be. If we were members of the same church as her, we might well find ourselves under heavy fire for daring to say such horrid things about this young man.
I wish this scenario were fiction, but it isn’t. It happens over and over again to young ladies who just knew that the best place to find a husband was in church.
More than once abuse survivors have written to me and said something like this: “My Christian upbringing in both my parents’ home and in my church home totally set me up as a target for an abuser. I was taught to be quiet and submissive, especially when I got married. I was taught that God hates divorce. I was taught that forgiveness always means reconciliation of relationships. I was taught that by my behavior and attitude I could change and “fix” my future husband when he sinned. And though I heard a lot about sin, I was taught that pretty much everyone who attended our church and said they believe in Jesus was to be considered a real Christian, no questions asked. These things and more set me up and put me on the abuser’s radar.”
The fault is not with the Bible. It isn’t with Christ. It is with our failure to be wise as Christ calls us to be.
I can see it playing itself out. There is this young lady. She is going to marry this guy who she thinks is the cat’s meow. And she is pumped. The attention he has shown her is…exhilarating. Takes her breath away. She looks down at her finger and there it is, the ring! Camelot, here we come. Oh, there have been a couple of times when she was rather taken aback at how stone cold his eyes were when she annoyed him, or that time he got soooo angry with her. But she dismisses these red-flag abuser warning signs as “human frailties” we all wrestle with. She will be able to help him overcome. She’s sure of it.
But what is going to happen? And it is going to happen. She is going to marry this guy. There is nothing anyone can do now to stop it. She is going to marry him and possibly even as soon as the honeymoon, she is going to find a stranger staring back at her. Who is this man? Now he has her. The mask comes off. *God hates divorce* — there is no getting out of this! Not for ten years, not for twenty years, not for thirty years. Most typically it will take decades of abuse before she begins to reach some clarity about what has truly been happening to her. It isn’t her fault. I am not blaming her by any means. We’ve all been duped by these serpents.
But how we wish she would just listen to us now, before it is too late.
Churches, Christians, pastors, elders!! We must STOP closing our eyes to evil among us in our churches! We must be done with this foolish naivete about wickedness. We must learn about sociopaths and psychopaths and narcissists and abusers and we must become expert — wise as serpents the Bible calls it — in discerning the tactics of these vermin. They are oppressing the sheep that the Lord has charged us with protecting. And even worse, if that sheep ever calls out to us for help, she most typically doesn’t receive any. [NOTE: I actually wrote this challenge some years ago when I was still somewhat hopeful that churches and pastors would listen. I left it as written, but now I speak to abuse victims because I konw they will hear me].
What if? What if this young lady, about to give herself to an emissary of the devil… what if she had been raised in a church that regularly taught her and everyone else about evil? What if she had been told about the traits and typical tactics of the abuser? What if she had been warned to be on watch for “Mr. Charming”? What if the pre-marriage counseling in her church included assigned reading about abuse, and what if in that counseling the pastor talked about abuse and how an abuse victim has every right before God to divorce her abuser?
What if?

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