Unmasking the Domestic Abuser in the Church

Author: Jeff Crippen Page 43 of 88

This is a very Damaging Teaching that Abusers Love

The following quote was found by twbtc on Twitter recently, posted by an abuse victim. I do not know who she is and I certainly am not posting this article with the intent of being mean to her. But her words are a teaching that is very widespread among professing Christians. The churches typically teach it. Abusers love it. And it results in victims being hindered from getting free. Here is the statement:

“While God HATES what my abuser did to me, I know that he loves my abuser as much as he loves me. So much, in fact, that he died for him. I don’t like that. But, if it’s not true then the God I’m worshipping is one that I made up and I don’t want a made up God. My abuser chose…”

First of all, let me highly recommend that anyone who thinks this is true, go to our youtube site at Unholy Charade and carefully listen to the series of videos I did entitled “Does God Love Everyone?” There is an avalanche of scripture presented there that demonstrates the answer to this question is a resounding “No.”

God does not love the wicked as much as He loves His children. God does not love the wicked in the same way He loves the righteous. In fact, I propose to you that God does not love the wicked, period! In addition, it is a false statement to insist that Christ died for your abuser. Christ died for His people, for His elect (see John 17 for instance). And finally, what we have in this statement is 180 degrees out of kilter. The god who loves the wicked as much as he loves his children, the god who died on the cross for the unrepentant, habitually and characteristically oppressor of widows and orphans, is in the fact the false god.

In this commenter’s theology, it is man who does the choosing, not God. It is the sinner (who is dead to God in his sin, unable to take a single step toward God) upon whom the matter turns. Man somehow, who hates God, chooses God. As long as I still held to these ideas (because that is what I was taught) I was unable to make any sense out of the Bible.

God hates what your abuser does, and God hates your abuser. Understanding this puts you on the path to freedom.

Forsaken by a Traitor’s Kiss

I have written about the evil of betrayal as seen in the traitorous kiss of Judas. But the thing came to mind again today as we were singing at the beginning of the Sunday School class – God the Uncreated One (by Aaron Keyes and Pete James). One of the lines is Mighty God in mortal flesh, forsaken by a traitor’s kiss.

And so it is. It is one thing to be attacked by an overt enemy, but it is even more devastating when the attack comes from someone you really thought was a friend. Someone who claimed to love you. This is the case in domestic abuse scenarios, right? The truth comes out from behind the curtain eventually and the shock hits. They were never your friend. Never. And they never loved you. Never. The friend you thought existed turns out to be a fiction. This is why the change can look like it takes place in an instant – from friend to enemy. But really, the friend was never there at all.

The tools of deception are like Judas’ kiss. They are instruments of apparent affection. Words of loyalty. Kindnesses. And yet, like that infamous kiss, they are daggers meant for evil. Designed to earn your trust so that the attack can strike more effectively.

If we are going to be wise about evil, then it is vital that we understand these things.

Psa 41:7-9 All who hate me whisper together about me; they imagine the worst for me. (8) They say, “A deadly thing is poured out on him; he will not rise again from where he lies.” (9) Even my close friend in whom I trusted, who ate my bread, has lifted his heel against me.

As painful as it is to come to this realization, it is one of the first steps to freedom to realize that the person I thought was my friend never really existed. It was a fiction portrayed by deception. When we finally understand this, we return to reality and truth, and that is where real freedom is to be found.

Are you Flawed? Is it Your Fault?

Act 24:1-9 And after five days the high priest Ananias came down with some elders and a spokesman, one Tertullus. They laid before the governor their case against Paul. (2) And when he had been summoned, Tertullus began to accuse him, saying: “Since through you we enjoy much peace, and since by your foresight, most excellent Felix, reforms are being made for this nation, (3) in every way and everywhere we accept this with all gratitude. (4) But, to detain you no further, I beg you in your kindness to hear us briefly. (5) For we have found this man a plague, one who stirs up riots among all the Jews throughout the world and is a ringleader of the sect of the Nazarenes. (6) He even tried to profane the temple, but we seized him. (8) By examining him yourself you will be able to find out from him about everything of which we accuse him.” (9) The Jews also joined in the charge, affirming that all these things were so.

One tactic of the devil is so characteristic of him that he is even given a title from it – the accuser of the brethren. The accuser.

Accusation is a powerful weapon. It, and its allies (slander, malice, lies…) are regularly used by the enemy against Christ’s people. And if you have been the target of one of these wicked ones, you know that power. Being accused is a devastating thing – especially when the accusations are false. That is what was going on in the scripture above when Paul was being accused by emissaries of the devil.

One of the most wickedly powerful qualities of accusation is that even the target of it can come to believe that the false claims are true. You’ve experienced it, right? If you have lived with a wicked person, having ongoing and regular contact with them, you know how, over time, you can start believing the accusations made against you.

  • You always….
  • You were unkind
  • You never…
  • You are stupid
  • You, you, you, you….

When we know such a charge is false, it is damaging enough because other people believe it or at minimum the words are painful in themselves. But when we start to believe them, the power of accusation can become devastating. If I am as bad as my accuser says, then I am going to withdraw. I am going to expect that I will sabotage every relationship and be rejected. And it will always be my fault. Just ask my accuser.

Think more about this. A very, very common characteristic of evil people such as abusers, narcissists, sociopaths and so on is they are never wrong. They are never to blame. Consequently as things go wrong around them, someone must be blamed. Being in a relationship with such a person will guarantee that you will be held guilty, blamed, accused, shamed, and made to feel fundamentally botched and worthless. This is the stuff that drives people to suicide, to all kinds of mental and physical ailments, to despair, depression, and hopelessness. The devil works every single moment to destroy his targets and this is one of his weapons of choice.

I have made this observation before, but it is worth making again and again. Just how likely is it that YOU are the one to blame every single time? That it is always YOUR fault? I mean surely we are right some of the time – but you would never know it to listen to our accusers. “Oh, your marriage is on the rocks? Well, you need to take a look at yourself, you know.” “He raged in anger at you last night? Look at yourself and see how you caused it.” The dinner you made was pathetic. The dress you put on looked stupid. The bathroom you painted looks horrid. And on and on and on and on the accusations flow.

Are you really THAT bad? That flawed and stupid? I highly doubt it. In fact, the abuse victims I have known who have had these and so many more wicked accusations fired at them, are really quite remarkable people. I mean, to endure the suffering they have been through is just amazing. What they have accomplished in all that darkness really blows me away quite often. I don’t think I could do it.

Take care then in this regard. Consider where these accusations are coming from. They originate from the one Jesus called the father of lies, and he has many, many of his wicked children out and about spreading those lies at every opportunity.

Did you marry an abuser? Are you going through the misery of being in such a marriage? Well, let’s just remind ourselves of this truth – it’s not your fault. It isn’t you fault that your wicked spouse does what he/she does. Even if you could somehow miraculously become as perfect as Jesus Himself, guess what? The problems would not end. They didn’t end for Jesus, Because He is not the culprit. And neither are you.

Zeal Without Knowledge: Bible Interpretation that Leads to Mercilessness and Injustice

I have written on this subject and on the following Scriptures in other posts. But they have been on my mind again the last few weeks. I keep seeing them violated by Bible teachers, pastors, and counselors of a certain type. Recently I have seen this “zeal without knowledge” pattern in publications by writers of the NANC (nouthetic counseling) school. In their zealous handling of Scripture and in their desire to be absolutely “biblical,” unswayed by any input outside the Bible, they come to erroneous interpretations and make harmful applications. The same kind of hermeneutic (interpretive method) is rampant in other conservative Christian circles. This approach to God’s Word creates the very thing such folks say they don’t want to create: man-made traditions that trump the Word of God. Read these Scriptures, and then I will try to explain more clearly what I mean.

And when the Pharisees saw this, they said to his disciples, “Why does your teacher eat with tax collectors and sinners?” But when he heard it, he said, “Those who are well have no need of a physician, but those who are sick. Go and learn what this means, ‘I desire mercy, and not sacrifice.’ For I came not to call the righteous, but sinners.” Matthew 9:11-13

At that time Jesus went through the grainfields on the Sabbath. His disciples were hungry, and they began to pluck heads of grain and to eat. But when the Pharisees saw it, they said to him, “Look, your disciples are doing what is not lawful to do on the Sabbath.” He said to them, “Have you not read what David did when he was hungry, and those who were with him: how he entered the house of God and ate the bread of the Presence, which it was not lawful for him to eat nor for those who were with him, but only for the priests? Or have you not read in the Law how on the Sabbath the priests in the temple profane the Sabbath and are guiltless? I tell you, something greater than the temple is here. And if you had known what this means, ‘I desire mercy, and not sacrifice,‘ you would not have condemned the guiltless. For the Son of Man is lord of the Sabbath.” Matthew 12:1-8

Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you tithe mint and dill and cumin, and have neglected the weightier matters of the law: justice and mercy and faithfulness. These you ought to have done, without neglecting the others. Matthew 23:23

Wooden literalism demands a specific proof verse for everything. And it proposes specific proof verses as a basis for a very literal, unbending application. Wooden literalism leads to applications that make no sense at all in real life and that are devoid of mercy. It takes one verse and derives from it an all-inclusive, broad principle which is divorced from the larger context of Scripture that, if considered, would reveal things like the mercy of God. This school of Bible teachers just will not listen unless you can give them chapter and verse. Oh, and that chapter and verse MUST use the exact, literal words on the subject you are discussing.

This approach to interpreting Scripture and applying it to real life is also characterized by an underlying legalism or works-righteousness. One of their underlying assumptions is that if we are to please God and be “perfected” in his sight, our marriage must be preserved at any cost. This is a fundamental plank in these teachers’ agenda, and it is the product of their flawed hermeneutic. The formula, in their eyes, goes like this: Jesus said marriage is forever. Jesus said let no man separate what God has joined together. Jesus said no divorce except for adultery. Boom! That’s it. That’s the rule that governs all cases. Therefore, no matter what kind of terrible abuse a victim might be suffering, Jesus did not use the “abuse” word. No divorce for abuse. You say that makes no sense? Well, my child, God’s ways are higher than your ways. And so it goes.

Let me give an example taken from a small book on abuse, written by a pastor who I believe truly desires to help people. And yet, his method of approaching Scripture leads him to merciless conclusions. Never once, not even by indirect allusion, is divorce mentioned in this booklet. Yet it is the elephant in the room as the abuse victim reads what this pastor has to say. [I say again, the acid test of whether someone is really going to stand with the victim and against her abuser is whether or not they grant that abuse is indeed a biblical grounds for divorce].

Ok then, listen to this excerpt and think about how what this pastor writes is a product of a fundamental, stiff handling of Scripture that leads him to embrace the assumption that there is no divorce for abuse:

God may use your suffering to bring glory to himself. Peter writes that our endurance through suffering proves the genuineness of God’s work in us, which will result in ‘praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ.’… We who follow him should not be surprised when we suffer…but instead should realize that all who follow Christ will suffer (2 Tim 3:12). Many preachers, missionaries, and ordinary believers have glorified Christ as they were tortured and killed for the sake of the gospel. Rather than being angry with God over our suffering, we should submit to his sovereign will and count it a privilege to suffer for his Name’s sake (Philippians 1:29; Acts 5:41). The faith of other believers will be strengthened and God will be glorified when, in the midst of your suffering, you declare with Job, ‘Though he slay me, I will hope in him’ (Job 13:15). I have known victims of abuse who glorify God by their ongoing joyful trust in him.

Now, once again (after you get your heart rate back under control), think about how in the world a Christian pastor could be led to such a conclusion. I mean, what he is saying to the abuse victim is that she should be willing to stay in the “marriage” and if it be God’s will, be killed by her abuser and ride off into glory land as an eminent martyr. What is totally confusing is that in a couple of places earlier in the booklet, the author alludes to the fact that perhaps in some cases a victim may need to get to safety. But here in his conclusion we see what he really thinks. The marriage must be preserved at all costs, and that means at ALL costs.

Mercy and Justice, Mr. Pastor. That’s what God desires. Yet you have done what the Pharisees did. You demand sacrifice, and disregard the weightier matters of God’s Word.

Foolish Naivete About Evil Disqualifies a “Counselor”

John 8:42-44  Jesus said to them, “If God were your Father, you would love me, for I came from God and I am here. I came not of my own accord, but he sent me.  Why do you not understand what I say? It is because you cannot bear to hear my word. You are of your father the devil, and your will is to do your father’s desires. He was a murderer from the beginning, and has nothing to do with the truth, because there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks out of his own character, for he is a liar and the father of lies.

Romans 3:10-17  as it is written: “None is righteous, no, not one; no one understands; no one seeks for God. All have turned aside; together they have become worthless; no one does good, not even one.” “Their throat is an open grave; they use their tongues to deceive.” “The venom of asps is under their lips.” “Their mouth is full of curses and bitterness.” “Their feet are swift to shed blood; in their paths are ruin and misery, and the way of peace they have not known.”

The doctrine of the total depravity of man does not mean that every human being is as evil (depraved) as they could possibly be. Nor does it mean that all people are equally evil or that all sins are as sinful as others. What it does mean is that the being of man is totally fallen. That the effects of sin have infected every part of the human: mind, body, soul, emotions, so that there is no “island of goodness” in man which has been left unaffected. In other words, Luke Skywalker’s opinion that Darth Vader had some good in him somewhere is mere fiction.

Many people, including pastors and counselors, profess to adhere to the doctrine of total depravity, and yet in practice they are more like Jedi knights, looking to the good side of the force in everyone. This totally disqualifies them from dealing properly with abusers. I want to say that again. Anyone who approaches an abuse situation with the notion that somehow through kindness and love, through behavior changes by victims, etc., the “good part” of the abuser can be reached and appealed to, needs to step down off of their high horse and just stop it!  Stop giving advice to victims of abuse. Stop counseling abusers or even listening to them. This kind of thinking is foolishness at best and rank arrogance at worst. And it is dangerous.

In dealing with an abuser you must believe nothing he or she says. You must seek corroboration to his claims. You must assume that he is trying to deceive you, that he is falsely blaming his victim, that he is lying. If anyone is unwilling to use this approach, they are simply unqualified to be involved with abuse cases. Naivete is dangerous. There is no place here for “always keep thinking on the brighter side of life” because the evil of abuse is darkness.  It is very dark, and there is no light in it at all.  Yes, it is that bad.

Foolish naivete about evil leads to all kinds of crazy and damaging advice to victims: 1) You must be doing something to set him off, 2) We are all sinners, 3) The Bible says that if you just love him enough he will change, 4) He is just suffering from the torments of his childhood . . . blah, blah, blah. The reality of the abuser mentality is set out very plainly in Scripture however. There IS such a thing as evil. There ARE evil people. They won’t change. They don’t intend to change. They are indeed capable of appearing as angels of light. Remember, these “servants” Paul talks about are people:

2 Corinthians 11:13-15  For such men are false apostles, deceitful workmen, disguising themselves as apostles of Christ. And no wonder, for even Satan disguises himself as an angel of light. So it is no surprise if his servants, also, disguise themselves as servants of righteousness. Their end will correspond to their deeds.

God’s Word is very plain on the reality and nature of evil. We have no excuse for not being wise in this regard. And therefore I conclude that foolish naivete about some supposed “island of goodness” in every human being that can somehow be reached in some way is a willful disregard of God’s own Word. When I was a police officer, two of the laws I enforced were “careless driving” and “reckless driving,” the latter being the more severe offense. What was the difference? The level of culpability. Careless driving was an action that, through careless inattention, endangered others. Reckless driving was defined as a willful, knowing disregard for the rights and safety of others. So what I am maintaining here is that much of the counsel given to abusers and their victims is reckless. It is a willful and knowing and intentional disregard for what God’s Word says about evil.

And thus, such reckless counsel is evil in itself.

You Have the Right to Choose Your Relationships – and the Right to Reject Others

1Co 5:11 But now I am writing to you not to associate with anyone who bears the name of brother if he is guilty of sexual immorality or greed, or is an idolater, reviler, drunkard, or swindler—not even to eat with such a one.

Tit 3:10-11 As for a person who stirs up division, after warning him once and then twice, have nothing more to do with him, (11) knowing that such a person is warped and sinful; he is self-condemned.

You all know the pattern. You come to see the toxicity of a relationship, be it an abuser spouse or some reviler. Often these kinds of people come at us in the most intimate settings – such as marriage or family. And you see it and you choose to separate from them. What happens? What happens especially in church settings or in family settings? YOU become the culprit. YOU are the one to blame. Why? Because YOU won’t reconcile. You won’t “forgive.” You are stubborn. Some pastors and churches will even throw you under the bus and out the door for taking such a stand.

I have seen and experienced this many times myself. Why won’t Jeff forgive? Why won’t Jeff join in the family again? Why won’t Jeff…stop being such a pain? Plug your own name in those sentences.

The Lord has given us the right to choose our relationships. To choose our friends. In fact, as you can see in the verses above (and there are many more), God commands us not to have relationships with certain kinds of individuals. But selfish people who aren’t interested in obeying the Lord simply want us to “forgive and forget” so that their own comfy world isn’t rocked.

God does not tell us that we are to separate from wicked people UNLESS they are a sibling or spouse or parent or child. In fact, take careful note in the 1 Cor 5 passage that He tells us to ESPECIALLY separate from a wicked person who claims to be a fellow Christian. And in Matthew 10 He tells us that He came into this world to separate – to bring a sword rather than peace. So that our enemies will be people in our own household! That is what the gospel effects in a sinful world.

So, why is that the mass of professing Christians and pastors flat our oppose all these commands of Christ? Why is it that they blame the victim when this separation occurs? I can tell you. Because most of them aren’t Christians at all. They are not born again. How do I know? Because Jesus says so:

Luk 14:26 “If anyone comes to me and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be my disciple.

Mat 10:36-37 And a person’s enemies will be those of his own household. (37) Whoever loves father or mother more than me is not worthy of me, and whoever loves son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me.

So don’t wear this badge of blame and guilt that most people will put upon you when you separate from evil. You have the right and duty to choose your relationships. And to reject relationships. Even “blood” doesn’t trump this right (ie, “but they are your sister-brother-son-daughter-parent!”). In fact Jesus points directly to these familial relationships as the ones we can expect to see division at most often. The question is not “why won’t you reconcile with him/her?” but rather, “why are you still hanging around with that wicked person?”

Abuse and Divorce: This is the False Teaching Wayne Grudem and the Council for Biblical Manhood and Womanhood Put Upon Victims for Years!

I published an article Monday about how Wayne Grudem’s recent “discovery” that abuse is grounds for divorce, was devoid of a confession of sin for all the false teaching he and his camp have put upon abuse victims. His “no divorce for abuse” command (wrapped up as “biblical”) has caused all kinds of additional oppression to victims and provided an arsenal of ammunition for abusers. So, where is Grudem’s grief? Where is his confession of the sin of distorting God’s Word? I have yet to see it.
This article is one that I published some time ago and it shows what Grudem and friends have been teaching all along until very recently. In fact, I would not be surprised at all if many pastors and counselors still adhere to this statement. Notice, as you read it, that these kind of people equivocate. That is, they use language that is deceptive. So that you have to see what they don’t say in order to get the clear picture of what they really are teaching.
Mary Kassian (www.girlsgonewise.com) wrote about the U.N. Day for the Elimination of Violence Against Women on her blog, November 25th.  She is to be commended for this.  However, in her article, she said that she had emailed Wayne Grudem (editor of the ESV Study Bible; Member of the board of directors for the Council for Biblical Manhood and Womanhood; Professor at Phoenix Seminary) and asked him what he would like to say in regard to this U.N. day.  This is what he replied with (and Kassian agrees with it):

I strongly deplore any abuse of wives by their husbands and I believe the Bible teaches clearly against it. When pastors learn about abuse occurring in a home in their congregation, they have an obligation before God to seek to bring an immediate end to it, through direct personal conversation with the abuser, support of the abused, professional counselling, through means such as church discipline, protective personal intervention in dangerous situations, using law enforcement and other legal pressures, extensive prayer, and, if necessary, legal separation. Pastors also need to encourage their church members and attenders to tell someone in church leadership if abuse is occurring, so that appropriate means can be brought to bring an immediate end to it. Nobody in a leadership role in CBMW thinks that abuse within a marriage is justified by the biblical teachings about husbands and wives.  [Wayne Grudem, Ph.D., Research Professor, Phoenix Seminary, and co-founder and past president of CBMW].

The bold-faced words are mine.  I bolded them because they tell us that Grudem still denies that abuse is grounds for divorce.  You see the very same position in the following statement on abuse that Kassian quotes from the CBMW:
Statement on Abuse
Adopted by the Council on Biblical Manhood and Womanhood at its meeting in Lisle, Illinois in November, 1994.

  • We understand abuse to mean the cruel use of power or authority to harm another person emotionally, physically, or sexually.
  • We are against all forms of physical, sexual and /or verbal abuse.
  • We believe that the biblical teaching on relationships between men and women does not support, but condemns abuse (Prov. 12:18; Eph. 5:25-29; Col. 3:18; 1 Tim. 3:3; Titus 1:7-8; 1 Pet. 3:7; 5:3).
  • We believe that abuse is sin. It is destructive and evil. Abuse is the hallmark of the devil and is in direct opposition to the purpose of God. Abuse ought not to be tolerated in the Christian community.
  • We believe that the Christian community is responsible for the well-being of its members. It has a responsibility to lovingly confront abusers and to protect the abused.
  • We believe that both abusers and the abused are in need of emotional and spiritual healing.
  • We believe that God extends healing to those who earnestly seek him.
  • We are confident of the power of God’s healing love to restore relationships fractured by abuse, but we realize that repentance, forgiveness, wholeness, and reconciliation is a process. Both abusers and abused are in need of on-going counseling, support and accountability.
  • In instances where abusers are unrepentant and/or unwilling to make significant steps toward change, we believe that the Christian community must respond with firm discipline of the abuser and advocacy, support and protection of the abused.
  • We believe that by the power of God’s Spirit, the Christian community can be an instrument of God’s love and healing for those involved in abusive relationships and an example of wholeness in a fractured, broken world.

Notice once again the glaring absence of any affirmation that divorce is a biblical means of dealing with abuse.  Abuse victims/survivors will quickly understand that this statement dooms victims to a lifetime of working to “restore relationships”, to “involvement in a process of reconciliation,” of “ongoing counsel and support,” but divorce?  Forget it.  Remarriage?  Forget it.  Abusers love this sort of talk.  If the victim will just believe God and trust Him and keep doing all she can, God can bring her abuser to repentance and they can live happily ever after.  That is a fairy tale.  [Also notice that they tell the victims that they need counseling too.  For what?  PTSD?  That would be fine.  But I suspect this “counseling” is going to me more of the ilk of “you aren’t perfect either, you know.”]
As long as any theologian, author, or organization refuses to tell victims that they can divorce their abuser because the abuser has already treacherously divorced them by ongoing, hard-hearted violation of the marriage covenant, then my ears are deaf to everything else they have to say.  I refuse to use the ESV Study Bible for this reason.  Grudem’s notes in the back forbid divorce for abuse.
And by the way, what is this business of “legal separation”?  Where is the biblical case for that?  Is it not a limbo state of married but not married?  Doesn’t it sound a whole lot like one of those Pharisaical half-measures that inevitably are required when our interpretation of Scripture makes no sense?

Wayne Grudem isn't Sorry for the Damage He has Done to Abuse Victims

Wayne Grudem. “Distinguished Research Professor of Theology and Biblical Studies, Phoenix Seminary.” Wayne Grudem, author of 22 books. Wayne Grudem of The Council on Biblical Manhood and Womanhood. Most of you have probably heard of Grudem. In this article, I want to talk to you about Grudem’s supposed “groundbreaking” study of 1 Corinthians 7 and his resulting announcement “Grounds for Divorce: Why I Now Believe There are More than Two” (June, 2020).

Grudem was general editor for the ESV Study Bible, in which we read the following quote from the section on biblical ethics: (boldface highlight is mine)

Are There Other Grounds for Divorce? In addition to the two grounds of sexual immorality or desertion by an unbelieving spouse, are there any other legitimate, biblical grounds for divorce? Some interpreters have argued that repeated instances of physical abuse should be seen as an additional legitimate ground for divorce. Others would respond that many other means should be used to bring the abuse to an immediate halt, including separation (for the eventual purpose of bringing restoration along with the complete cessation of the abuse), church discipline, confrontation and counseling, police action, a court order, and other kinds of intervention by church members, family, and friends. But these would stop short of adding a reason for divorce that neither Jesus nor Paul specified.

Bibles, Crossway. ESV Study Bible (Kindle Locations 325157-325158). Good News Publishers. Kindle Edition.

Grudem, like so many other pastors, theologians, churches, etc., has taught for years that abuse is not grounds for divorce. You see the typical language of “instances of physical abuse” in this quote which we know exposes a person using such language as being ignorant of the mentality, nature, and tactics of the domestic abuser. My point here is that Grudem has denied that abuse is grounds for divorce, claiming that the Bible only allows for divorce for adultery or desertion.

Well, now we are all supposed to rejoice and give praise to the Lord because Grudem has published What the Bible Says About Divorce and Remarriage (Crossway, 2021) which is adapted from his book Christian Ethics. In this booklet, Grudemn announces that his detailed study of 1 Cor 7:15 has led him to “A New and Broader Understanding” of the phrase “in such cases.” Here is the verse:

1Co 7:15 But if the unbelieving partner separates, let it be so. In such cases the brother or sister is not enslaved. God has called you to peace.

Grudem now concludes that the phrase “in such cases” broadens the application of this text from just addressing desertion as a ground for divorce, but is to include, well here is how he puts it:

…when Paul uses en tois toioutois to say that ‘in such cases the brother or sister is not enslaved”, he implies that divorce is a legitimate possibility not only in cases of desertion by an unbeliever, but also in other circumstances that are similar to but not necessarily exactly like desertion. A reasonable possibility is that ‘in such cases’ in 1 Cor 7:15 means ‘in this and other similarly destructive situations’ (that is, situations that destroy a marriage as much as adultery or desertion).

What the Bible Says About Divorce and Remarriage, p 42

Grudem goes on then to apply his conclusions to divorce for abuse, abuse of children, extreme, prolonged verbal and realtional cruelty, credible threats of serious physical harm or murder, or incorrigible drug or alcohol or gambling addiction. He says “Pastors, elders, and Christian counselors…need much wisdom and discernment in order to rightly evaluate the actual degree of harm in individual cases and whether there is a reasonable basis for hope that the destructive behavior has ended and the marriage can be saved.” And he continues by saying that “Churches Need to Aggressively Protect an Abused Spouse….In cases of physical abuse, something – perhaps several things – must be done quickly to prevent the abused spouse from having to endure further suffering…for the eventual purpose of bringing restoration of the marriage along with the complete cessation of abuse).”

Now, this book and Grudem’s words are so filled with error that I hardly know where to even begin. Notice his emphasis on physical abuse. Notice how he emphasizes that (page 51) “Restoration of the Marriage, if Possible, Must Remain the First Goal.” Notice how he assumes that church leaders are the ones who are going to judge these cases and give a verdict of divorce or no divorce. All of these things point to Grudem’s continuing damaging thinking on this subject of domestic abuse. His overall tone is that divorce is always a damaging thing that is to be a very last resort and which will always cause damage to children. These are fallacies. We know, for instance, that divorce from an abuser is the best thing for the victim and the children!

But what I want to point out specifically here in this article are two things:

  • Grudem seems to think that we should be “wowed” and in awe at his “groundbreaking discovery” from this little phrase “in such cases.” To this, I say – Wayne, we have been saying that abuse is grounds for divorce for years. You have been opposing our position. And now, it has supposedly taken a minute study of three little Greek words for you to be able to see it? So that now you and your academic cohorts can sit around and talk about a little tree in the forest that you should have seen a long time ago? This smacks of something we have seen before:

Mat 23:23-24 “Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you tithe mint and dill and cumin, and have neglected the weightier matters of the law: justice and mercy and faithfulness. These you ought to have done, without neglecting the others. (24) You blind guides, straining out a gnat and swallowing a camel!

Fine, now Wayne says abuse in grounds for divorce (although make no mistake, his emphasis is on physical abuse though he lists other kinds of abuse). But he hasn’t come to this position via the route Jesus points out – identifying and seeing the weightier matters of the Law like mercy and faithfulness. No, Grudem continues to focus on the gnat.

  • But even more significantly, I want to point out that Wayne Grudemn offers no apology nor shows any remorse for or confession of the damage his erroneous teaching has caused for countless victims of abuse. He and his crowd (and its a big crowd) have for years refused to acknowledge that abuse is grounds for divorce. They have thereby put guilt and shame and condemnation on countless Christians who have gotten free from their abuser in spite of what the no divorce for abuse crowd said.

Do you see the problem here? These people like Grudem who sit in their academic vatican towers pouring over minutae and cranking out their decrees in books and lectures, seem to think that they are a cut above the rest of Christ’s people. And foolish Christians seem to agree. “What does Grudem say? Did you hear what Grudem wrote? How wonderful! Wayne now says we can divorce for abuse. How glad we are that he and his kind know the deep things of koine Greek!” The thing is sickening.

Grudem and those like him have been doing horrid and cruel damage to probably thousands of real Christians who have been horribly oppressed by wicked, false “Christian” spouses and by their churches. Where is Grudem’s repentance of this? Where is his confession of distorting God’s Word? Where is his godly sorrow for what he has done? I sure don’t see it. What I see is a sanitary, academic, covering of his posterior regions in a manner that will retain his prominence among his fellows.

What would happen if Grudem stood up and said, “Men, we have sinned. Pastors, we have sinned. Theologians, we have sinned. We have oppressed the oppressed, and God sees it all. We have distorted His Word and gutted it of His mercy.” Well what would have happened is that Grudem would have had to pay a price. And I have yet to see one of these celebrities pay the price of being thrown out of the temple.

Still Another Example of a Pastor and church adding to a victim's suffering

Previously I published a letter from a pastor to an abuse victim. You saw how that pastor did what is really the norm to be expected when an abuse victim asks for help. The thing is evil.

Well, here is a second letter from a pastor that this same victim received. Word gets around, you know. I have even known of cases where no matter what local church a victim attended in a search for a new church, the pastors had already been gossiped to about her “sin” by the original pastor.

Notice in this letter how this “shepherd” couches his unauthorized control in a vocabulary of “love.” I can tell you, there is no love in this accusatory missile. I inserted a few comments of my own in brackets:

Thank you so much for writing. I appreciate you reaching out to clarify. Again, I know that this has all been so very difficult and painful. You have my full sympathy and compassion. But I must gently and tenderly say to you again, my dear friend, that you have no grounds whatsoever for an annulment or divorce. [No, you have NO sympathy or compassion for her].

I’ve heard all the details from you and (the abuser) and for all of the reasons that I’ve already touched on in past correspondences (and which multiple other pastors have also conveyed to you) this is not justifiable. And while you may have found a few people who will tell you that you have biblical grounds, it would be akin to some pastors who tell others that they have biblical grounds to live in a homosexual lifestyle. [“Multiple other pastors” – so they have all been talking and ganging up on her. Also, anyone who tells an abuse victim they can divorce is authorizing all manner of perversion in marriage]

We both know what the plain teaching of Scripture on this is, and it’s just as clear in your situation. [Really? Plain teaching? So this guy’s view is THE view which is to be followed or else!]

You have a man who has clearly acknowledged his faults, and is willing to change his ways and reconcile. [Oh, really? And Mr. Pastor, just how do you know this? The abuser told you? Do you think you know him better than his victim?]

No sexual immorality has taken place, and while the things that (her abuser) said were egregious, they were not consistent enough to be tantamount to verbal abuse, and no physical abuse had taken place. [I deleted a paragraph here for confidentiality, but it is still more excuse-making by this pastor for the abuser]

While (her abuser) did not contribute as much as he should have financially, he was working and contributing something, and was making strides to get a better job and provide more (which was one of the reasons for his ongoing education). [The man essentially contributes nothing. He already has multiple degrees but continues to go to school, making NO strides to provide financially for her].

The bottom line is that you are legally married and are officially married in God’s eyes. Based on the entire scenario I just shared, you have no grounds to sever this marriage. And if you say that you are open to reconciliation, then you don’t pursue an unbiblical divorce, which you have no justification for, and then perhaps reconcile. You remain married and work toward reconciliation–as (her abuser) is willing to do. [Oh really. So Mr. Pastor, you know that this abuser is willing to….to do what? Change? He isn’t changing and he isn’t going to change].

Again, I share all of this in love. We never escape consequences and the discipline of the Lord when we disobey God. This will definitely end in much remorse and heartache for you, if you pursue this course of action. And most importantly, you will greatly dishonor the Lord and mar your testimony as a Christian before a watching world. I lovingly urge you to forsake this path and let the Body of Christ help you and (abuser’s name omitted to protect the victim) work toward reconciliation. With care, concern, and gentleness, [This is THREAT. “You do what I say or else God is going to smite you.” NONE of this is shared in “love.” It is an enablement of wickedness and a persecution of the downtrodden. This pastor is lying about his motives].

So there you have it. These letters from pastors are so typical, so deceiving, and sooooo damaging. They are the ones who are marring their testimony for Christ before a watching world.

I will be publishing a post soon addressing Wayne Grudem’s booklet “Divorce and Remarriage” in which he claims to have become a help to abuse victims in the church because he has now changed his views to allow for divorce in these cases. But a glaring hole in his presentation is that he never humbles himself and asks for forgiveness for all of the damage he and his ilk have done to poor, oppressed victims by insisting they must stay married to their abuser. Grudem’s approach is cold and academic. Where is his acknowledgement and confession that pastors like the ones who write these cruel letters are at best incompetents and more likely plain old false shepherds? Grudem should be angered by this widespread evil, but he isn’t. He should be shutting his mouth and admitting he is guilty of widespread harm. But nope. He keeps writing books and telling us all “how it is.”

Be quiet, Wayne. Just be quiet and go away.

Another Accusatory Letter from Pastors to a Victim

It’s the same old story over and over again. Abuser abuses while pretending to be a Christian. His victim reports to her pastor asking for help and announcing she is leaving the evildoer. And then here comes the accusatory instrument disguised as “loving concern.” In this first case, the letter is from the pastor to the abuser husband. Notice the language that minimizes the abuse, and also how prejudiced in favor of the abuser this pastor is, and how he insists that he has authority over the victim to pronounce if she has or does not have the right to divorce. And subsequent to her receiving this evil letter, she received still another one from another pastor of a different church. These guys generally gang up on victims. I will publish that letter in another post soon.

Dear (Abuser) –

We had a conversation with (your wife) this evening, August 5th, 2021. We spoke with her for almost 2 hours. 

We told her that while we did agree that there have been many ways in which you have failed as a husband (which you have confessed and admitted to us), we did not believe that she has grounds for an annulment or a divorce. 

She alleges that you knowingly deceived her and married her under false pretenses, which we are not convinced of. Both she and you were very unwise in marrying quickly, without getting thorough premarital counseling. If you had, many, if not all, of these issues could’ve been worked out beforehand or at least discovered. However, we are not convinced that there was any intentional deception on your part. 

Furthermore, we believe that you are willing to at least attempt to be reconciled to her. Unfortunately, it does not seem that she is willing at this point. That may change, but as of our last conversation with her, she was not willing. We told her that God is powerful enough to restore a marriage even as fragile as yours. We told her that we are in no way saying that it’s her lot in life to remain married to you even if you never to repent. However, we told her that since she does not have grounds yet, she needs to use all the means at her disposal for the restoration of her marriage. She says that she is not convinced that this is the case. Sadly, but ironically, in many ways she is doing the very thing she accuses you to be doing, abandoning the marriage. 

We explained to her, that we do not consider her a member of our church, since she hasn’t been attending for over two years. I myself had not had contact with her until this matter was brought to us. We acknowledge that after the previous sad circumstances in our church with our former pastor, many people left and fell through the cracks. However, if she considered herself a member, we would’ve hoped for much more communication from her. 

That being said, since she is not a member of our church, we do not believe we have the authority to discipline her formally. However, I told her that if she persists in not seeking reconciliation, though we cannot discipline her formally, yet we would be left with no other choice but to question her profession of faith and to withdraw communion from her in spiritual matters, and to consider her an unbeliever until she shows signs of repentance.

As far as what you are called to do biblically in this situation. We believe that even now all things are possible in our Lord. If your wife were to persist in not seeking reconciliation, and if she were able to procure a divorce or an annulment, in that case we would consider you to be in the same situation as that described by Paul in 1 Corinthians 7:15-16, and we believe that you would be free to remarry under those circumstances, after the divorce is finalized. You would have the freedom to remarry or to continue to pray for her repentance.

However, until that happens, you are to do all that you can to seek reconciliation. I encourage you to pray and fast, that the Spirit would soften your wife’s heart and bring her to repentance, remembering that but for the grace of God we all would do the same. We encourage you to keep your elders well-informed of the situation as things develop, and to take to heart whatever counsel they give you.

We pray that the Lord would grant her repentance. We pray that he would bless you and use this heart-breaking situation, however it turns out, for your good and his glory.

In Christ,

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