Unmasking the Domestic Abuser in the Church

Are you Flawed? Is it Your Fault?

Act 24:1-9 And after five days the high priest Ananias came down with some elders and a spokesman, one Tertullus. They laid before the governor their case against Paul. (2) And when he had been summoned, Tertullus began to accuse him, saying: “Since through you we enjoy much peace, and since by your foresight, most excellent Felix, reforms are being made for this nation, (3) in every way and everywhere we accept this with all gratitude. (4) But, to detain you no further, I beg you in your kindness to hear us briefly. (5) For we have found this man a plague, one who stirs up riots among all the Jews throughout the world and is a ringleader of the sect of the Nazarenes. (6) He even tried to profane the temple, but we seized him. (8) By examining him yourself you will be able to find out from him about everything of which we accuse him.” (9) The Jews also joined in the charge, affirming that all these things were so.

One tactic of the devil is so characteristic of him that he is even given a title from it – the accuser of the brethren. The accuser.

Accusation is a powerful weapon. It, and its allies (slander, malice, lies…) are regularly used by the enemy against Christ’s people. And if you have been the target of one of these wicked ones, you know that power. Being accused is a devastating thing – especially when the accusations are false. That is what was going on in the scripture above when Paul was being accused by emissaries of the devil.

One of the most wickedly powerful qualities of accusation is that even the target of it can come to believe that the false claims are true. You’ve experienced it, right? If you have lived with a wicked person, having ongoing and regular contact with them, you know how, over time, you can start believing the accusations made against you.

  • You always….
  • You were unkind
  • You never…
  • You are stupid
  • You, you, you, you….

When we know such a charge is false, it is damaging enough because other people believe it or at minimum the words are painful in themselves. But when we start to believe them, the power of accusation can become devastating. If I am as bad as my accuser says, then I am going to withdraw. I am going to expect that I will sabotage every relationship and be rejected. And it will always be my fault. Just ask my accuser.

Think more about this. A very, very common characteristic of evil people such as abusers, narcissists, sociopaths and so on is they are never wrong. They are never to blame. Consequently as things go wrong around them, someone must be blamed. Being in a relationship with such a person will guarantee that you will be held guilty, blamed, accused, shamed, and made to feel fundamentally botched and worthless. This is the stuff that drives people to suicide, to all kinds of mental and physical ailments, to despair, depression, and hopelessness. The devil works every single moment to destroy his targets and this is one of his weapons of choice.

I have made this observation before, but it is worth making again and again. Just how likely is it that YOU are the one to blame every single time? That it is always YOUR fault? I mean surely we are right some of the time – but you would never know it to listen to our accusers. “Oh, your marriage is on the rocks? Well, you need to take a look at yourself, you know.” “He raged in anger at you last night? Look at yourself and see how you caused it.” The dinner you made was pathetic. The dress you put on looked stupid. The bathroom you painted looks horrid. And on and on and on and on the accusations flow.

Are you really THAT bad? That flawed and stupid? I highly doubt it. In fact, the abuse victims I have known who have had these and so many more wicked accusations fired at them, are really quite remarkable people. I mean, to endure the suffering they have been through is just amazing. What they have accomplished in all that darkness really blows me away quite often. I don’t think I could do it.

Take care then in this regard. Consider where these accusations are coming from. They originate from the one Jesus called the father of lies, and he has many, many of his wicked children out and about spreading those lies at every opportunity.

Did you marry an abuser? Are you going through the misery of being in such a marriage? Well, let’s just remind ourselves of this truth – it’s not your fault. It isn’t you fault that your wicked spouse does what he/she does. Even if you could somehow miraculously become as perfect as Jesus Himself, guess what? The problems would not end. They didn’t end for Jesus, Because He is not the culprit. And neither are you.

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5 Comments

  1. Em

    “Even if you could somehow miraculously become as perfect as Jesus Himself, guess what? The problems would not end. They didn’t end for Jesus, Because He is not the culprit. And neither are you.”
    Thank you!

  2. Anonymous

    I grew up in a church and family that both repeatedly reminded me that I was a wretched sinner and could do nothing right on my own. It’s no wonder then that I married a narcissist who told me the same thing. Even though I’m now divorced, it’s still a struggle to not live with the guilt and shame and belief that everything is always my fault.

  3. Be free

    Thank you for this message, it again hit home.

    I had no idea of the fallout that was coming when I left the abuser and went no contact – the abusing deceiver had gathered multitudes of other weak minded to do his evil as well and I lost most of the people that I once thought were family and friends – church etc., directly, or indirectly, immediately or through the trickle effect, they joined on the abusers bandwagon of support either by actively engaging in his lies and cruelty, or by looking the other way even knowing what he did and was doing. Come to find out this is very common, in fact many are advised not to leave the abuser unless you are ready to lose 80-100% of these people that you had thought were family and friends because it is guaranteed, you will in some form or all together. And rest assured they will all blame you for the abusers choices and theirs- it’s straight out of satans handbook.

    Fast forward years now and I THANK THE LORD those people are now only a memory or becoming one – when I look back now I see how they were all part of the toxic circle and I am SO GLAD to be able to move on. Didn’t say it was easy, but 1000x over, the lie has finally ended, they are who they are – and I am who I am – no more pretending it’s ok to have me around for them to accuse, blame, etc.

    The deceivers can accuse and toss blame this way, or your way, all day long for all of time, but it doesn’t change anything – why? Because that’s all it is… justification through false accusations… and tossing blame…They did it thousands of years ago and they do it today and they will do it tomorrow. Until Christ returns, this will be the same story over and over, just different faces. Between now and then, you do not owe them anything – and that includes engaging them in their accusations and blame.

  4. Anonymous

    Words can not express my gratitude for this post and these shared comments. Exposing this behavior in the light of truth is what keeps me balanced, grounded and steady. The majority rules was my ex’s mantra. The truth is the majority of people I lost to the ex’s lies, slander, and gossip is they are mindless minions, who have been exposed as well.
    …” They did it thousands of years ago and they do it today and they will do it tomorrow. ”
    Another truth. Amen! Amen! Amen!

    • Z

      Anonymous and Be Free,
      I’ll add another “Amen!” to your 100% accurate descriptions of the sadly predictable outcome of exposing and expelling evil from one’s life. The trickle effect of the abusers’ lies and smears led to nearly 100% loss of all the fake “friends and family” I’d been born into and who were part of the “clan” of frauds I was surrounded by since childhood. They nearly ALL willingly chased after evil instead of obeying God and maybe paying a price of even a small inconvenience of “being unpopular” with evil people of the world. They know they are to be separate. But they instead choose to be complicit in the sin of abuse. I, too, am so glad to be rid of them. Not to be harsh, but I once heard it put this way, “The garbage took itself out.”

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