It’s the same old story over and over again. Abuser abuses while pretending to be a Christian. His victim reports to her pastor asking for help and announcing she is leaving the evildoer. And then here comes the accusatory instrument disguised as “loving concern.” In this first case, the letter is from the pastor to the abuser husband. Notice the language that minimizes the abuse, and also how prejudiced in favor of the abuser this pastor is, and how he insists that he has authority over the victim to pronounce if she has or does not have the right to divorce. And subsequent to her receiving this evil letter, she received still another one from another pastor of a different church. These guys generally gang up on victims. I will publish that letter in another post soon.
Dear (Abuser) –
We had a conversation with (your wife) this evening, August 5th, 2021. We spoke with her for almost 2 hours.
We told her that while we did agree that there have been many ways in which you have failed as a husband (which you have confessed and admitted to us), we did not believe that she has grounds for an annulment or a divorce.
She alleges that you knowingly deceived her and married her under false pretenses, which we are not convinced of. Both she and you were very unwise in marrying quickly, without getting thorough premarital counseling. If you had, many, if not all, of these issues could’ve been worked out beforehand or at least discovered. However, we are not convinced that there was any intentional deception on your part.
Furthermore, we believe that you are willing to at least attempt to be reconciled to her. Unfortunately, it does not seem that she is willing at this point. That may change, but as of our last conversation with her, she was not willing. We told her that God is powerful enough to restore a marriage even as fragile as yours. We told her that we are in no way saying that it’s her lot in life to remain married to you even if you never to repent. However, we told her that since she does not have grounds yet, she needs to use all the means at her disposal for the restoration of her marriage. She says that she is not convinced that this is the case. Sadly, but ironically, in many ways she is doing the very thing she accuses you to be doing, abandoning the marriage.
We explained to her, that we do not consider her a member of our church, since she hasn’t been attending for over two years. I myself had not had contact with her until this matter was brought to us. We acknowledge that after the previous sad circumstances in our church with our former pastor, many people left and fell through the cracks. However, if she considered herself a member, we would’ve hoped for much more communication from her.
That being said, since she is not a member of our church, we do not believe we have the authority to discipline her formally. However, I told her that if she persists in not seeking reconciliation, though we cannot discipline her formally, yet we would be left with no other choice but to question her profession of faith and to withdraw communion from her in spiritual matters, and to consider her an unbeliever until she shows signs of repentance.
As far as what you are called to do biblically in this situation. We believe that even now all things are possible in our Lord. If your wife were to persist in not seeking reconciliation, and if she were able to procure a divorce or an annulment, in that case we would consider you to be in the same situation as that described by Paul in 1 Corinthians 7:15-16, and we believe that you would be free to remarry under those circumstances, after the divorce is finalized. You would have the freedom to remarry or to continue to pray for her repentance.
However, until that happens, you are to do all that you can to seek reconciliation. I encourage you to pray and fast, that the Spirit would soften your wife’s heart and bring her to repentance, remembering that but for the grace of God we all would do the same. We encourage you to keep your elders well-informed of the situation as things develop, and to take to heart whatever counsel they give you.
We pray that the Lord would grant her repentance. We pray that he would bless you and use this heart-breaking situation, however it turns out, for your good and his glory.