Unholy Charade - Jeff Crippen

Unmasking the Domestic Abuser in the Church

Author: Jeff Crippen Page 27 of 89

Whitewash and Dead Men’s Bones

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On April 5, 2023

In Abusers, Churches/Church Response, Narcissist, Spiritual Abuse

Mat 23:27-28 “Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you are like whitewashed tombs, which outwardly appear beautiful, but within are full of dead people’s bones and all uncleanness. (28) So you also outwardly appear righteous to others, but within you are full of hypocrisy and lawlessness.

When I read this powerful string of “woes” Jesus pronounced upon the religious leaders, my mind goes immediately to them – the scribes and Pharisees. And so it should. They were the direct targets of the divine woes.

But as we think about this some more, there is a real warning here for all of us. Not only that we must guard against being hypocrites ourselves, but that there are these kind within the church. Whitewash on the outside, outwardly beautiful, but inside full of all sorts of evils. They are stinking and rotting within.

Not only are these kind inside the local churches, they are on a quest for power and control, so they inevitably crave to work their way up the religious corporate ladder. And we are not wise. We let them advance – we even vote for them. After all, just look at how white they are, how beautiful and fine their holiness is.

There is evil within the visible church. There IS. Creeps creep in, as Jude put it. And wherever they do, wherever they deceive the masses and gain power, it is a given that they are going to abuse the defenseless –

Mar 12:38-40 And in his teaching he said, “Beware of the scribes, who like to walk around in long robes and like greetings in the marketplaces (39) and have the best seats in the synagogues and the places of honor at feasts, (40) who devour widows’ houses and for a pretense make long prayers. They will receive the greater condemnation.”

They devour widow’s houses. They abuse the weak. And if we are not wise, we will help put them in those positions.

Getting the Log Out

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On April 4, 2023

In Abusers, Evil, Narcissist

Luk 6:41-42 Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? (42) How can you say to your brother, ‘Brother, let me take out the speck that is in your eye,’ when you yourself do not see the log that is in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take out the speck that is in your brother’s eye.

RASNs (Revilers, Abusers, Sociopaths, Narcissists) have a log in their eye. It remains there by choice. The log represents their willful blindness to their own sin. Jesus calls them hypocrites because they go about knit-picking the flaws of others (specks) while they themselves have this huge obstacle blinding them to their own evils.

We have all known these kind. There have been occasions no doubt when we ourselves have been guilty of this willful blindness to our own sin while focusing on the bit of sawdust in someone else. But a real Christian will be convicted by the Spirit of the Lord in them – He shows us our own sin and we are brought to repentance. Not only for the sin itself, but for the additional sin of being speck-searchers in others.

We should also note that self-examination as the Spirit leads us is not a process by which we find sin in ourselves which is not sin. That is to say, the Lord does not falsely convict or accuse us of things we are not guilty of. RASNs do that, but not the Lord. Self-examination is healthy only if it finds genuine wood that needs to be removed by repentance.

Now, back to this log. RASNs as you know, (and this is Jesus’ point) are willfully blind to the log in their own eye. The Lord’s point is that a person whose own life is a mass of sin is disqualified from sitting in judgment upon others. But there is more. Jesus’ illustration here also demonstrates that the log-in-the-eye person is actually energized by his own sin to go about speck-hunting. It’s part of the dynamic of hypocrisy. Hypocrites live in a double-standard world where loads of sin are permissible for them, while their targets are mercilessly accused.

RASNs are never guilty. Just ask them. They are never to blame. It’s always that speck in you and you must never, ever point to their log. Just pretend it isn’t there – like they do.

Secrets, Secrets, Secrets

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On March 29, 2023

In Abusers, Evil, Narcissist

Psa 64:1-10 To the choirmaster. A Psalm of David. Hear my voice, O God, in my complaint; preserve my life from dread of the enemy. (2) Hide me from the secret plots of the wicked, from the throng of evildoers, (3) who whet their tongues like swords, who aim bitter words like arrows, (4) shooting from ambush at the blameless, shooting at him suddenly and without fear.

(5) They hold fast to their evil purpose; they talk of laying snares secretly, thinking, “Who can see them?” (6) They search out injustice, saying, “We have accomplished a diligent search.” For the inward mind and heart of a man are deep.

(7) But God shoots his arrow at them; they are wounded suddenly. (8) They are brought to ruin, with their own tongues turned against them; all who see them will wag their heads. (9) Then all mankind fears; they tell what God has brought about and ponder what he has done. (10) Let the righteous one rejoice in the LORD and take refuge in him! Let all the upright in heart exult!

One of the diabolic qualities of the RASN (reviler, abuser, sociopath, narcissist) is this business of secrecy. It enables their deceptions, their false disguise persona. Secrecy. This is a thing which drives them – that they not be known. Jesus told the Pharisees that outwardly they were a whitewashed tomb all clean and pretty, but inwardly full of death and corruption. Secrecy.

We often encounter people (sometimes we “know” them for years) who in fact do not want to be known. You know them, but you don’t really know them. This quest for anonymity is very intentional. You don’t know them because they do not want to be known.

If, over time, such a person begins to sense that you are seeing behind the mask, that you are starting to at least in part, know them for who they really are, trouble is not far ahead. Those who do not want to be known live in constant fear of being known – just as a normal person would be in a panic to be seen unclothed.

Experts in this field could describe the dynamics in far more detail than I can, but I just wanted to point out to you that there are people who do not want to be known, who you can “know” for years and yet if you give it some serious thought, you realize that you don’t know them at all. They don’t talk. They don’t enter into healthy interpersonal communication. They don’t want to know others and they do not want others to know them. These things are not just personality quirks, no – this kind of hiding is quite intentional and it is a warning sign that such a person is unsafe.

Now, I should also note carefully that there is another kind of person who does not want to be known in many cases. The victim of abuse. Sometimes abuse victims don’t talk. We write them off as someone who “just is quiet.” But so often what is really going on is that the victim is fearful of what might happen if anyone were to find out what is really happening to her at the hands of her abuser (or his abuser). So they are quiet. Withdrawn. We must be wise to this and realize that this can be a warning sign that a person is in trouble.

All of this to say, proceed cautiously with people who do not want to be known. People whose life is a secret. Something is wrong.

More Thoughts on the Danger of Victimhood

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On March 27, 2023

In Counseling, Getting Free

Heb 2:14-15 Since therefore the children share in flesh and blood, he himself likewise partook of the same things, that through death he might destroy the one who has the power of death, that is, the devil, (15) and deliver all those who through fear of death were subject to lifelong slavery.

1Jn 5:4 For everyone who has been born of God overcomes the world. And this is the victory that has overcome the world—our faith.

If you are a Christian, if you are born again through faith in Christ, then you are not destined to be a victim. You are an overcomer. You have been delivered from the ultimate abuser – the devil who held you in bondage until Christ set you free. Nothing the world can throw at you can overcome you – if you walk with Christ by faith.

Perpetual victimhood is a trap. Yes, domestic abusers victimize their targets. But that abuse does not define who you are in Christ. You are a child of God, a saint, an overcomer of the world, the flesh, and the devil. You are a citizen of heaven and that is where your real life is now. You are a new creation, indwelt and led by the Holy Spirit. You are not a victim in your essence.

Now, this cannot be emphasized too much. We must never fall into the trap of regarding ourselves as victims. When people do this, they adopt a mindset of defeat which soooo easily morphs into sin such as sinful anger, a sense of entitlement (everyone owes me), rejection of God’s promises, insisting that others walk carefully around you lest they set off some trigger in you…and on the list could go.

Being the victim of a crime is a terrible thing. And abuse is a crime in God’s sight and sometimes in the civil authorities’ sight. But if we choose to be perpetual victims in our being, we are not embracing by faith the great salvation and victory Christ has won for us. Worse, we will pass on that victimhood mentality to our children.

Does this mean we invent some fiction and deny all memory of what the wicked person has done to us? Does it mean that we should never talk to anyone about what happened to us? No. Absolutely it does not mean such things. But what the rejection of perpetual victimhood does is refuse to be identified by what some evil one has done. It is to take by faith that the Lord sees, the Lord knows, and one Day the Lord will distribute perfect justice:

2Ti 4:14 Alexander the coppersmith did me great harm; the Lord will repay him according to his deeds.

Why is Your RASN so much like Mine?

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On March 24, 2023

In Abusers

Go on over to Light for Dark Times and find out the answer to this question. You can find the post here. [I am using RASN regularly now as an acronym for Revilers, Abusers, Sociopaths, and Narcissists]

Evil Disregards its own Sins

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On March 22, 2023

In Abusers, Evil

Mal 2:17 You have wearied the LORD with your words. But you say, “How have we wearied him?” By saying, “Everyone who does evil is good in the sight of the LORD, and he delights in them.” Or by asking, “Where is the God of justice?”

Mal 1:6b-7 …But you say, ‘How have we despised your name?’ (7) By offering polluted food upon my altar. But you say, ‘How have we polluted you?’ By saying that the LORD’s table may be despised.

All through the book of Malachi we see this same pattern. Sinful, wicked, unfaithful people disregarding and denying their own sins and blaming God – accusing Him as the guilty party. This is a very common and characteristic trait of the wicked.

Your abuser, for example, typically set aside his own mountain of evil deeds and put blame on you. Here he has done a mass of wickedness, but all of it is set aside, denied, and disregarded and instead all prosecutorial focus is put upon you. It is more than a denial of guilt – it is a slate wiped clean as if all of that wicked abuse were a fiction and never happened.

You see the thing in criminal trials. Here is this evil murderer or child abuser charged with heinous crimes. What does he do – as represented by the defense? Point to the supposed errors or wrongdoings of the victim.

If you, for instance, talk to someone – with the goal of seeking help or validation for yourself – …if you talk to someone about the evils done to you by the reviler/abuser/sociopath/narcissist (RASN = raisin), why are you talking about those things to someone? Because they are real. Because those crimes or sins have been committed. But what did you find happened if the wicked one learned that you revealed his sins? Suddenly ALL those evils are swept away and the only “crime” on the table now is YOU. What YOU did. What YOU said. No matter that the real culprit’s crimes are too numerous to even list. No, all that matters is what YOU have done.

And this is what Malachi was charging the Israelites with. They who had a longstanding pattern of rebellious disobedience to God suddenly had spiritual amnesia about their own sins and only desired to blame and accuse God as the real problem.

This is what evil does. This is what the unrepentant guilty do.

Sin Must be Snipped as Soon as it Buds – or else….

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On March 20, 2023

In Abusers, Evil

Jas 1:14-15 But each person is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desire. (15) Then desire when it has conceived gives birth to sin, and sin when it is fully grown brings forth death.

We are able to see from these Words from God Himself that sin is like a living thing. And that it develops if allowed to do so. Desire – Conception – birth – Growth – death of the sinner. James’ intent is to give us sober warning. Do not permit sin to grow. Put it to death by the Spirit before it can even be conceived in us, let alone, born.

Sin grows. It develops. I think we can rightly conclude this from James’ words. Sin, when it is fully grown…

I point this out because I suspect that many of us have wondered – was the reviler/abuser/sociopath/narcissist who did me so much harm, always who he is now? We know that we are all born into this world in sin, sinners by nature, fallen creatures who are dead to God. But we do not all become narcissists who we know and…do not love.

I would suggest that the RASN (pronounced “raisin,” see the bold list above for the words behind this acronym) started his or her journey in evil at some point with a seed. Who planted the seed or why was it planted? We normally cannot answer these questions. But somehow, sometime, a sin-seed was sown by a type of resolve – “No one will ever shame me again.” “I will be superior to everyone else.” “I deserve.” And then, instead of repenting of that wicked seed and rooting it out so that it died, it was cultivated. It was a permitted sinful desire cherished in the mind and heart.

And it grew, and grew, and grew.

Until finally, it was born.

What emerged in this diabolic birth? Sin. Full-grown sin. The seed, the desire, became that RASN who causes its target grief and torment.

This pattern, in my opinion, this desire – birth – growth, is what we see in so many people. Perhaps in earlier years the reason you didn’t see the narcissism is because it was only present in seed form, but it had been planted and over the years it grew and grew and grew. [I hope we all see here the vital need for Godly discipline by parents toward their children]. So that finally, fully grown, that self-entitled cruel arrogance fully engulfs the one in whom it was conceived.

Was my abuser always conspiring against me? Was he from the very start seeing me as just a supply whose purpose was to feed his self-glorying? Or was this horrid thing we call pride present in him as a seed, growing and growing and growing until….?

To such questions I suppose no one can always provide a certain answer. But I do know that we must watch ourselves and watch our children and watch one another in the body of Christ so that when we see a seed of sin planted, just beginning to sprout, we put it to death by the Spirit long before it can grow and bear fruit and give birth to – here is the ironic thing – before it can be born and produce death.

Be sure to read this post at Light for Dark Times

By

On March 17, 2023

In Abusers

Here is a link to a post I published today over at my blog, Light for Dark Times. It concerns an important subject – what does it mean when an observed persona does not match the perceived person? I call those moments – “aha moments” and it is vital that we understand them.

Evil People are not Rare in the World OR in the Visible Church

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On March 15, 2023

In Abusers, Evil

Act 20:28-30 Pay careful attention to yourselves and to all the flock, in which the Holy Spirit has made you overseers, to care for the church of God, which he obtained with his own blood. (29) I know that after my departure fierce wolves will come in among you, not sparing the flock; (30) and from among your own selves will arise men speaking twisted things, to draw away the disciples after them.

The church, the true church, the real body of Christ is holy and righteous. It consists of people who are the Lord’s flock, people He knows. And a local, visible church that is a true church consists primarily of just such people, although there may be some in the pews who are not born again. Local churches in this present world – even the best of them – will not be absolutely pure. But where the Word of God is truly preached and taught and believed, where the Lord’s Table and Baptism are observed, and where church discipline (real, righteous and just discipline) is practiced, you have a true church. Sadly, in our day, such true churches seem to be getting harder and harder to find.

Whenever you have unbiblical preaching, a watered down “gospel,” an improper exercise of the sacraments (ordinances) or a sinful neglect of biblical discipline – what are you going to have? Well, I propose that what you are going to have is what we have today! More and more local churches that are full of counterfeits who honor the Lord with their lips but their hearts are far from Him.

When you read the New Testament (and the Old for that matter), think about it – how often do you read things like:

  • Descriptions of evil people to watch for
  • Descriptions of the tactics of evil, false shepherds or members
  • Rebukes for toleration of evil in the church
  • Instruction for church discipline, why? Because evil in the church must be dealt with.
  • Threatenings from the Lord for a church’s refusal to put evil out or to separate from it.

Get the idea? The problem of wicked ones coming in among Christ’s people is not some rare phenomenon. It is, in fact, typical. Think of how many of the seven churches in Revelation 2-3 received no rebuke from the Lord and in several cases the rebuke was for “tolerating that woman Jezebel” or “the Nicolaitan” heretics. Evil within is not rare. It is always at the door and it would seem that it very often is receiving a warm welcome.

What then is the point? It is that we must stop buying into this nonsense that “everyone is welcome in the church.” Or, “we are to love everyone, just love them to Jesus no matter who they are.” Or, “we must not doubt that anyone who professes to be a Christian really is a Christian.” You’ve heard all of these lies before I am sure.

No, we are to have the Lord’s armor on. We are to be watchful. We are to be on guard for ourselves and for the flock. Because, well, because:

1Pe 5:8 Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.

Up Against the Red Sea

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On March 13, 2023

In Biblical Teaching

2Co 1:9 Indeed, we felt that we had received the sentence of death. But that was to make us rely not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead.

There it is. The hardest lesson to learn. In the middle of trials and perhaps even more importantly, in the midst of the “good times,” to learn to stop putting our faith in ourselves, but rather in the Lord.

Pro 3:5-6 Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. (6) In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.

Leaning on my own understanding. There is the problem. How often do we “pray” but in fact what we are doing is telling the Lord what we want Him to do? Writing the script and saying to Him – “here you go, this is the plan”?

All of us who know Him have been or are presently in trials – often some pretty severe trials. We either were in one, or we are in one, or we are headed for one. The real issue in it all is – will we trust the Lord and believe His promises, following Him where He leads us? Or, will we keep “leaning on our own understanding” as Proverbs puts it?

The Lord is good to His people. His promises never fail. If we are going to follow Him, then we are going to have to deny ourselves, die to ourselves, and go where He takes us. If we belong to Him, He is going to keep bringing us up to the Red Sea with no visible way out, until we learn the lesson of faith.

2Co 5:6-7 So we are always of good courage. We know that while we are at home in the body we are away from the Lord, (7) for we walk by faith, not by sight.

Trust Him. Believe Him. Give Him the reins – hand them over. Only then will we experience the peace He is waiting to give us.

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