Unholy Charade - Jeff Crippen

Unmasking the Domestic Abuser in the Church

Author: Jeff Crippen Page 26 of 89

This is what the targets of RASN’s* so often endure in their churches

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On April 17, 2023

In Churches/Church Response, Counseling

The following is an excerpt from a letter I received some years ago from a lady who was married to an abuser and who went to her pastor and his wife about the matter. Ultimately after it all played out, she was ex-communicated formally from her church for refusing to remain married to the wicked man. And then some years after that, the pastor was expelled from his denomination. A few people from the church apologized to this lady, saying that their leadership had lied to them. But no mention was made of their church’s failure to discipline her abuser, even though he was also a member of the church.

My Pastor and his wife asked to meet with me this past Sunday.  I always feel a dread to these meetings, because I walk away feeling so hopeless after I have spoken with them.  I am usually a real mess for a couple of days and just pray and ask God to show me if I am being rebellious in anyway. 

These are some of the things that they have said to me, and I am wondering what you think of them:

1.    They tell me that I need to make it easy for my husband not to sin.  I am not certain how to do that.   I have never said anything to my husband, that I know of, to cause these outbursts of wrath from him, but I think they think I must have done something.  I do not argue with him or talk down to him.  I do not respond to him, except with fearful silence, when he is behaving this way.  My Pastor and his wife are very into nouthetic counseling and I do not know that much about it. 

2.    They tell me that I am not to assume anything, based on his past behavior or otherwise.  They say that he said he loves me and they believe him.  They say he said he was sorry, and that I need to wipe the slate clean and encourage him, instead of being angry and distant.  I cry a lot over this, first of all, because he has repented so many times in the past, and it has always been false repentance.  I also cry because I do not know how to make myself feel close to him anymore.  I do not want to be intimate with a man who talked about me sexually, in the ways that he did.  I am not certain I can heal enough from this, to trust him again or be intimate with him again.  They think I should not think about the notes, but I can’t help but remember all the hate. 

And the abusive controlling demands from the pastor continued –

“They say that they want me to send any emails I write to my husband, to them first, so they can make sure that they are encouraging to him. “

They say that I can never know that and it isn’t for me to judge him. 

And the result of all of this “pastoral counseling”? –

These are the things that upset me so much that I just cry and cry.  I feel so weak and defenseless after talking to them.  Do you think that is rebellion on my part?  Do you think that I am just resisting submitting to my husband? 

These things are not uncommon. You can see how such “counseling” could even lead to suicide. It is absolutely spiritual malpractice but, unlike the secular counseling world, churches most often have no accountability.

*RASN = Revilers, Abusers, Sociopaths, Narcissists

Last Week’s Video Links

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On April 15, 2023

In Abusers

Sunday Sermon – He is Risen,

Ephesians Study

Revelation Study

How Likely is it that it is ALWAYS your fault?

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On April 12, 2023

In Abusers, Getting Free, Narcissist, Supporting Victims, Victims

1Ki 18:17 When Ahab saw Elijah, Ahab said to him, “Is it you, you troubler of Israel?”

I have written on this subject before, but as is really always true – repetition is very important. You know by now that RASN’s (Revilers, Abusers, Sociopaths, Narcissists) never own their sin. They always accuse and blame their target – YOU. It’s always your fault. That is why it is pretty common to hear abuse victims say “I’m sorry” in an almost automatic manner. They have been trained by these servants of the devil (who himself is “the accuser of the brethren”) to assume they are the problem.

Wicked king Ahab pulled this on Elijah, but the Prophet wasn’t going to have it-

1Ki 18:18 And he answered, “I have not troubled Israel, but you have, and your father’s house, because you have abandoned the commandments of the LORD and followed the Baals.

Have you ever considered this – just how likely is it that you are always the one who sinned, erred, blew it…. ? Always? Really? You never do anything right. You always sin. Your response is always wrong. I think a bit of thought on this will certainly lead us to the obvious answer – “It isn’t likely at all.” It isn’t likely that the economic problems are your fault because you always spend too much. It isn’t likely that the children are showing signs of trauma only because you are a bad mother. The probability that the car always breaks down because you didn’t check the tire pressure or you didn’t change the oil, or you ignored a trouble light, or…..

We all sin. We all mess up. Sometimes things go amiss because we just had too much on our plate to prevent them. And being the target of a RASN certainly adds a whole LOT to our plate.

Don’t be too quick to wear the blame and shame. As they say, even a stopped clock is right twice each day! And the typical RASN, in contrast, is wrong a whole bunch more that twice per day. RASN’s are fools. They fancy themselves to be wise and perfect (just ask them), but that is a delusion of their own making. They err with virtually every thought and action because their arrogance and quest for power taints everything about them, so that the probability of a RASN always being wrong is extremely high.

How do they take a rebuke?

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On April 10, 2023

In Abusers, Getting Free, Narcissist

Gal 2:11-14 But when Cephas came to Antioch, I opposed him to his face, because he stood condemned. (12) For before certain men came from James, he was eating with the Gentiles; but when they came he drew back and separated himself, fearing the circumcision party. (13) And the rest of the Jews acted hypocritically along with him, so that even Barnabas was led astray by their hypocrisy. (14) But when I saw that their conduct was not in step with the truth of the gospel, I said to Cephas before them all, “If you, though a Jew, live like a Gentile and not like a Jew, how can you force the Gentiles to live like Jews?”

The Apostle Paul rebuked Peter, a fellow Apostle. And he did so “in the presence of all.” The reason for this admonishment was a serious deviation and corruption of the gospel had occurred. Peter, fearing men, was communicating to the Gentiles that they must practice the ceremonial law as well as believe in Christ to be justified. Even though Peter was a friend and fellow Apostle, Paul nevertheless called him out and sternly admonished him.

How a person receives correction is very telling. None of us in our flesh enjoy being corrected. It is humbling. When truthfully and properly given, an admonishment requires me to confess my sin or my error – “Yes, I was not kind. Please forgive me.” “Yes, you are right, I was careless and this is my fault.” Peter was wrong. He sinned. And yet he accepted the rebuke. We know this because later he wrote this: “2Pe 3:15 And count the patience of our Lord as salvation, just as our beloved brother Paul also wrote to you according to the wisdom given him…”.

A wicked person will not accept correction. They will blame, excuse, project…anything but confess. They will respond in anger and arrogance as if their own sin were immaterial. All that matters now is that YOU rebuked them and therefore YOU are the problem. Peter could have clung to his sin, turned on Paul, cried and moaned about how Paul rebuked him, and made it all about anyone but himself.

Therefore, how a person responds to correction is very, very telling about the real nature of their character. Someone who is truly humble, even if initially they are defensive and terse, will apologize and admit their error or sin. Why? Because a real Christian loves his brother. His or her love, for instance, for their spouse will override their pain at being rebuked. The wicked only love themselves.

There is real wisdom and help in this. A safe person accepts correction. Even if that correction is given in error, a safe person will not respond in hatred. Where the love of Christ is present in a friendship, as it was in Peter and Paul, there will not be a rejecting spirit which places ego and pride above all else.

There is one other lesson to learn from this Scripture about Paul and Peter. John Calvin puts it this way:

We notice that Paul did not spare Peter, despite the fact that they were friends, and despite the dignity and nobility of Peter’s office [ie, an Apostle], which might have led Paul to overlook the fault. [John Calvin, Sermons on Galatians, Banner of Truth Trust]

In this case, the issue at stake was of such vital importance (the integrity of the gospel) that it could not be ignored nor excused. This makes such situations quite difficult sometimes, doesn’t it? Will my friend still be my friend if I admonish/correct him? Well, the answer to that question is – if he/she is really a Christian, if they therefore truly love me, then yes, they will still be my friend. If not, well then, now I will know. And if I do not correct them, I must ask myself why? Often the answer to that question is simply that I know they do not accept correction, they do not have a pattern of confessing and owning up to their sins and errors. And that means they are not a safe person at all. The love of Christ is not in them.

The Resurrection and Worship, by R.C. Sproul

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On April 9, 2023

In Biblical Teaching, Sermons

This link is to a message by R.C. Sproul which we will be watching in the first hour Sunday class this morning (Easter). It is excellent and very appropriate for Easter. He is Risen!

Video Links to last Week’s Sunday class, Sermon, and mid-week Bible studies

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On April 6, 2023

In Biblical Teaching, Blog News

These are links to the Pilgrim’s Progress class, Sunday sermon (April 2nd), and the two mid-week Studies (Ephesians and Revelation). I will try to remember to post these here each week.

NOTE: We concluded Pilgrim’s Progress reading (21 videos) last Sunday but all of the class videos (as is true of all these series) are posted on YouTube (Light for Dark Times, Jeff Crippen) and at sermonaudio.com/crc. WE WILL BE STARTING PART 2 OF PILGRIM’S PROGRESS IN TWO WEEKS.

Pilgrim’s Progress link

Sermon – Going to the Table by JC Ryle

Ephesians Study

Revelation Study

Whitewash and Dead Men’s Bones

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On April 5, 2023

In Abusers, Churches/Church Response, Narcissist, Spiritual Abuse

Mat 23:27-28 “Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you are like whitewashed tombs, which outwardly appear beautiful, but within are full of dead people’s bones and all uncleanness. (28) So you also outwardly appear righteous to others, but within you are full of hypocrisy and lawlessness.

When I read this powerful string of “woes” Jesus pronounced upon the religious leaders, my mind goes immediately to them – the scribes and Pharisees. And so it should. They were the direct targets of the divine woes.

But as we think about this some more, there is a real warning here for all of us. Not only that we must guard against being hypocrites ourselves, but that there are these kind within the church. Whitewash on the outside, outwardly beautiful, but inside full of all sorts of evils. They are stinking and rotting within.

Not only are these kind inside the local churches, they are on a quest for power and control, so they inevitably crave to work their way up the religious corporate ladder. And we are not wise. We let them advance – we even vote for them. After all, just look at how white they are, how beautiful and fine their holiness is.

There is evil within the visible church. There IS. Creeps creep in, as Jude put it. And wherever they do, wherever they deceive the masses and gain power, it is a given that they are going to abuse the defenseless –

Mar 12:38-40 And in his teaching he said, “Beware of the scribes, who like to walk around in long robes and like greetings in the marketplaces (39) and have the best seats in the synagogues and the places of honor at feasts, (40) who devour widows’ houses and for a pretense make long prayers. They will receive the greater condemnation.”

They devour widow’s houses. They abuse the weak. And if we are not wise, we will help put them in those positions.

Getting the Log Out

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On April 4, 2023

In Abusers, Evil, Narcissist

Luk 6:41-42 Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? (42) How can you say to your brother, ‘Brother, let me take out the speck that is in your eye,’ when you yourself do not see the log that is in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take out the speck that is in your brother’s eye.

RASNs (Revilers, Abusers, Sociopaths, Narcissists) have a log in their eye. It remains there by choice. The log represents their willful blindness to their own sin. Jesus calls them hypocrites because they go about knit-picking the flaws of others (specks) while they themselves have this huge obstacle blinding them to their own evils.

We have all known these kind. There have been occasions no doubt when we ourselves have been guilty of this willful blindness to our own sin while focusing on the bit of sawdust in someone else. But a real Christian will be convicted by the Spirit of the Lord in them – He shows us our own sin and we are brought to repentance. Not only for the sin itself, but for the additional sin of being speck-searchers in others.

We should also note that self-examination as the Spirit leads us is not a process by which we find sin in ourselves which is not sin. That is to say, the Lord does not falsely convict or accuse us of things we are not guilty of. RASNs do that, but not the Lord. Self-examination is healthy only if it finds genuine wood that needs to be removed by repentance.

Now, back to this log. RASNs as you know, (and this is Jesus’ point) are willfully blind to the log in their own eye. The Lord’s point is that a person whose own life is a mass of sin is disqualified from sitting in judgment upon others. But there is more. Jesus’ illustration here also demonstrates that the log-in-the-eye person is actually energized by his own sin to go about speck-hunting. It’s part of the dynamic of hypocrisy. Hypocrites live in a double-standard world where loads of sin are permissible for them, while their targets are mercilessly accused.

RASNs are never guilty. Just ask them. They are never to blame. It’s always that speck in you and you must never, ever point to their log. Just pretend it isn’t there – like they do.

Secrets, Secrets, Secrets

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On March 29, 2023

In Abusers, Evil, Narcissist

Psa 64:1-10 To the choirmaster. A Psalm of David. Hear my voice, O God, in my complaint; preserve my life from dread of the enemy. (2) Hide me from the secret plots of the wicked, from the throng of evildoers, (3) who whet their tongues like swords, who aim bitter words like arrows, (4) shooting from ambush at the blameless, shooting at him suddenly and without fear.

(5) They hold fast to their evil purpose; they talk of laying snares secretly, thinking, “Who can see them?” (6) They search out injustice, saying, “We have accomplished a diligent search.” For the inward mind and heart of a man are deep.

(7) But God shoots his arrow at them; they are wounded suddenly. (8) They are brought to ruin, with their own tongues turned against them; all who see them will wag their heads. (9) Then all mankind fears; they tell what God has brought about and ponder what he has done. (10) Let the righteous one rejoice in the LORD and take refuge in him! Let all the upright in heart exult!

One of the diabolic qualities of the RASN (reviler, abuser, sociopath, narcissist) is this business of secrecy. It enables their deceptions, their false disguise persona. Secrecy. This is a thing which drives them – that they not be known. Jesus told the Pharisees that outwardly they were a whitewashed tomb all clean and pretty, but inwardly full of death and corruption. Secrecy.

We often encounter people (sometimes we “know” them for years) who in fact do not want to be known. You know them, but you don’t really know them. This quest for anonymity is very intentional. You don’t know them because they do not want to be known.

If, over time, such a person begins to sense that you are seeing behind the mask, that you are starting to at least in part, know them for who they really are, trouble is not far ahead. Those who do not want to be known live in constant fear of being known – just as a normal person would be in a panic to be seen unclothed.

Experts in this field could describe the dynamics in far more detail than I can, but I just wanted to point out to you that there are people who do not want to be known, who you can “know” for years and yet if you give it some serious thought, you realize that you don’t know them at all. They don’t talk. They don’t enter into healthy interpersonal communication. They don’t want to know others and they do not want others to know them. These things are not just personality quirks, no – this kind of hiding is quite intentional and it is a warning sign that such a person is unsafe.

Now, I should also note carefully that there is another kind of person who does not want to be known in many cases. The victim of abuse. Sometimes abuse victims don’t talk. We write them off as someone who “just is quiet.” But so often what is really going on is that the victim is fearful of what might happen if anyone were to find out what is really happening to her at the hands of her abuser (or his abuser). So they are quiet. Withdrawn. We must be wise to this and realize that this can be a warning sign that a person is in trouble.

All of this to say, proceed cautiously with people who do not want to be known. People whose life is a secret. Something is wrong.

More Thoughts on the Danger of Victimhood

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On March 27, 2023

In Counseling, Getting Free

Heb 2:14-15 Since therefore the children share in flesh and blood, he himself likewise partook of the same things, that through death he might destroy the one who has the power of death, that is, the devil, (15) and deliver all those who through fear of death were subject to lifelong slavery.

1Jn 5:4 For everyone who has been born of God overcomes the world. And this is the victory that has overcome the world—our faith.

If you are a Christian, if you are born again through faith in Christ, then you are not destined to be a victim. You are an overcomer. You have been delivered from the ultimate abuser – the devil who held you in bondage until Christ set you free. Nothing the world can throw at you can overcome you – if you walk with Christ by faith.

Perpetual victimhood is a trap. Yes, domestic abusers victimize their targets. But that abuse does not define who you are in Christ. You are a child of God, a saint, an overcomer of the world, the flesh, and the devil. You are a citizen of heaven and that is where your real life is now. You are a new creation, indwelt and led by the Holy Spirit. You are not a victim in your essence.

Now, this cannot be emphasized too much. We must never fall into the trap of regarding ourselves as victims. When people do this, they adopt a mindset of defeat which soooo easily morphs into sin such as sinful anger, a sense of entitlement (everyone owes me), rejection of God’s promises, insisting that others walk carefully around you lest they set off some trigger in you…and on the list could go.

Being the victim of a crime is a terrible thing. And abuse is a crime in God’s sight and sometimes in the civil authorities’ sight. But if we choose to be perpetual victims in our being, we are not embracing by faith the great salvation and victory Christ has won for us. Worse, we will pass on that victimhood mentality to our children.

Does this mean we invent some fiction and deny all memory of what the wicked person has done to us? Does it mean that we should never talk to anyone about what happened to us? No. Absolutely it does not mean such things. But what the rejection of perpetual victimhood does is refuse to be identified by what some evil one has done. It is to take by faith that the Lord sees, the Lord knows, and one Day the Lord will distribute perfect justice:

2Ti 4:14 Alexander the coppersmith did me great harm; the Lord will repay him according to his deeds.

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