Let’s begin with some definitions –
Childish means relating to, characteristic of, or typical of a child, showing a lack of maturity, wisdom, or emotional control in a way that is not fitting for an adult.
And here is one more:
Pretense – Deception: A way of behaving meant to trick people or hide your real intentions (a pretext). Make-believe: Imaginary play or a fictional state, often seen in children.
RASNs (revilers, abusers, sociopaths, narcissists) are characterized by an inappropriate lack of maturity not fitting for an adult. They practice pretense – they pretend. Both of these negative personality qualities will be found in, for example, the abuser or narcissist. Your abuser is a very immature, emotionally stunted person. They failed to develop into normal adult maturity. They may be brilliant in intelligence (which just makes them more cunning and dangerous). They may be quite successful in their vocation. But they are selfish children who lack emotional control and they operate with deception, hiding their real intentions.
One of the examples of this evil which I have seen is that of an adult man who claimed to be the finest Christian to walk the earth, literally throw himself down on a couch in my office when he realized he was not going to get his way in controlling me. Another such instance – “if you had only listened to me!” spoken in a loud, hand-wringing manner. Or still another “Christian” man becoming instantly angry in response to a mere suggestion regarding his introduction of his personal politics into the church.
Just like little children, RASNs throw fits when they cannot have their way. They cannot tolerate accountability – being told “no.” You have seen that child in the line at the grocery store checkout screaming and throwing a fit when mom told him he cannot have that candy bar. Children must be disciplined and taught, as they grow up, that such behavior is wrong. That they must not be selfish. They must consider others. But those things never happen in the RASN.
The selfish tantrum behavior of a child is easy to spot. You see it. You know what it is. But when that same self-centeredness breaks out in the emotionally immature adult – it is not so easy to see it for what it is. The adult tantrum-thrower is far more deceptive and cunning. He or she is practiced at living a life of pretense. He is an emotional selfish child but he is now in the body of an adult and thus it is much more difficult to look at him and realize, “I am dealing with a selfish brat here who is self-centered and demands his way.”
But until we are wise to all of this, the RASN will continue to scam us, and sadly, do great harm to us.
Em
Dear Pastor Crippen,
You couldn’t possibly be more correct!
My narc-dad, the last time I ever saw him, threw the worst tantrum he ever threw. At Christmas, he threw himself down on my kitchen floor stamping his feet and screaming and crying, and scaring my 3 kids who each ran to their rooms and shut the doors. My husband walked in and tried to talk to him, and wasted his entire evening, and ours. A few months later he was banned from our house, and I never saw him again, for 16 years and not even when he died. My sisters who deny his narcissism still didn’t want a funeral any more than I did, so that was that! I will never have to deal with him again, and as I was the scapegoat I am truly free now – Praise God.
Tantrumming toddlers in an adult’s body, fooling even most Christians, but thankfully not all.
Thank you so much for this enlightening lesson!
Jeff Crippen
Perfect example!! Thankyou.
Iris Jane
Then there are the times when the RASN has provoked their victim to the point of them finally lashing out and then the victim is accused of being the one to throw the tantrum…it’s a vicious circle.
Jeff Crippen
Yes, that is extremely common. The sin of the RASN is immediately relegated to the background and the target’s response to it is made to be the central “crime.”
Annie
Left my religious now ex husband abuser.. he blew up in our counseling session after our male Christian marriage counselor (retired LAPD cop for 30 plus years) . My ex was asked to make things right with my daughter and myself— by doing the hard work of repair and restoration after he assaulted her (I was witness) — he yelled like a toddler— I WILL NOT GROVEL! The counselor called me immediately afterwards and said- “He will not do any more marriage counseling- and that I should get away from him immediately. “ It took me two more years. Now I am free and he has zero access to me. I forgive him but he is a dangerous unsafe man who lives in cataclysmic denial. May God have mercy on his soul.
Jeff Crippen
And there it is. The tantrum of a selfish child – or worse. So glad you are free.
Thankful
Hello Pastor Crippen: You made a previous post about how the RASN may intentionally use confusion and chaos to get their way with their victims and enablers. I think the tantrums might be an example of that sometimes. The RASN throwing the tantrum may be faking an overreaction in order to confuse people. For example, you’re at a group event and politely refuse to give a ride home to a car-less RASN. So then the RASN throws a tantrum about it, says you “hate” him, why are you being so cruel, and so on. This might not be an authentic emotional outburst in which the RASN is truly that upset over not attaining the ride, nor does the RASN honestly think you hate them. The RASN may be attempting to befuddle you or others into providing the ride. Bystanders are confused by why the RASN is so upset, so they decide that just providing the ride – or getting you to provide it – is the best fix for an illogical situation. The RASN may also be using the tantrum in an attempt to triangulate. If the RASN goes to others throwing the tantrum about not getting the ride, those nice-seeming enablers might eventually ask you why you can’t “communicate better” with the RASN about this, or may even outright ask you to just provide the ride.
Years ago, I was attempting to quietly place boundaries on a long-term abusive individual. Several years of other attempts at improving the situation, including joint-counseling initiated by me, had failed. I didn’t announce these boundaries to others. When the RASN’s other attempts at circumventing the boundary failed, they aggressively calling people close to me. The RASN initially used the pretense of not having my phone number, which was an easily disproved lie. Then this RASN began calling one of those initially receptive people constantly until they answered the phone. Not all of the people being contacted had any prior relationship with the RASN, so just the fact they were being contacted should have signaled that this was an unstable person and I was wise to place boundaries. However, some of these intermediaries began pressuring me to reenter that toxic relationship. In other words, they wanted to pass off an obviously problematic person back to me. As a child and young adult, I unfortunately relented to third-party pressure. Not anymore.
Now that there’s social media, you have the “flying monkeys” who will enter your DMs because the RASN is throwing a tantrum related to you. Eventually with a specific RASN, I chose to just block those middlemen completely on social media because this toxic individual was so talented at the tantrums and the situation was far too unhealthy for me. It was a difficult decision to make because I generally liked these other people – I simply couldn’t continue with their passing this unhealthy, manipulative individual back to me in exhaustion. Facebook and some of the other social media platforms added an option in recent years to just block the private DMs from your contacts while remaining otherwise connected on each other’s pages and shared groups. Most tantrums and intermediary pressuring happens discreetly in DMs, whispered conversations, or private meetings rather than in open settings. Possibly because the RASN and enablers know they’re in the wrong. If you can avoid discreet conversations with all of them such as in DMs, you might not need that total cutoff if you don’t feel emotionally ready yet, or if it seems difficult in your current circumstances such as with a RASN ex-spouse with whom you share custody of underage children.
Jeff Crippen
Thankyou. Sometimes I wish social media never came into being. I saw a post recently that was a good one – “If you continue bringing up the name and situation of the RASN I have now blocked, know that you are next on my block list.”