Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. HONOR YOUR FATHER AND MOTHER (which is the first commandment with a promise), SO THAT IT MAY BE WELL WITH YOU, AND THAT YOU MAY LIVE LONG ON THE EARTH. Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. (Eph 6:1-4)
Children sin. They make mistakes. And these facts are compounded when their parent is a RASN (reviler, abuser, sociopath, narcissist). Why? For a number of reasons, but a chief one is that the RASN views his/her children like they view anyone else – as existing only for the praise and glorification and ego-feeding of the RASN. Therefore, these children are expected to never bring their RASN parent into a bad light. Of course such an expectation is a flight of fancy because not only are children, children, but their lives and behaviors are negatively compounded by the RASN parent.
But what I particularly wanted to point out here is the scenario when the RASN’s children sin or err and another person, having observed this, points it out to the RASN. “I think you should know that your child broke that ______ and then lied about it, claiming he/she didn’t do it.” A healthy parent who truly loves their child will thank the person for telling them and then discipline their child for lying. Not so the RASN parent.
If you have ever been in this kind of situation, what did you experience when you told this kind of parent about their child’s sin or error? I can tell you. The RASN immediately becomes defensive toward you, even angry. Why? Because they perceive you as making them look bad. (They will also take the thing out on their child later). And so, after being burned once or twice by a RASN parent, what do you do the next time you see their child lying? Nothing. Because you know that YOU will be perceived as the villain. YOU have threatened the RASN’s false image.
Of course the real loser in all of this is the child. They do not receive the discipline and admonition of the Lord from a godly parent, but just the opposite. Their sin will be reinforced as they learn from the RASN that sinning is fine, as long as you don’t get caught and make the RASN look bad. Because it is always, always, always about the RASN’s image.
Want to know if a person is really a friend and not a toxic person waiting to strike? Just criticize, with a good and right motive, that person’s children when they sin. Then see what happens.
George
I am an adult child of an RSAN. The reaction you describe would definitely happen if you pointed out a flaw in the “golden child”. I’m the invisible child turned into the scapegoat at 55. I’ve studied this passage. I’ve honored my parents until I discerned they were not “in the Lord”. We are not to honor and abuser. Since they refused to repent of their abuse after warning them twice, I had nothing more to do with them. They’re minds are indeed twisted. As Jesus said “Anyone who loves their father or mother more that me is not worthy of me”. I chose to love Jesus and put my faith in His promises
Z
George,
My life as an adult child of both abusive parents mimics yours closely. I was the naturally intelligent, high-achieving, self-motivated, conscientious, parentified “peacemaker” trying always to protect my siblings and my abuser mother from my father’s raging constant violence. (No one ever protected, encouraged, supported or helped me.)
I had true God-given gifts and.talents but I was stunted and thwarted by their negligence and apathy towards me. Maybe their jealousy too. I did everything on my own without begging for their help. No kissing the ring. My realistic academic dreams and plans for my life were chopped down as not worth a thought or their attention, never mind a resource or a helping hand. Really, as my father told me when I was an adult, he hated me. I believe him. Both parents showed me this all my life. But I has strong hopes and dreams, fantasies of “family” that could never come true given who and what they were
The youngest sibling was the golden child. Never had an abusive finger or word laid on him. All the fraudulently obtained welfare and criminally gained money was thrown at him. Spoiled rotten. He was treated like he would be this great success in all he did with no basis in reality. In fact he wasn’t successful in anything. Accolades from parents for doing nothing of note even with all their attention and resources backing him only. In fact, he and his wife lost their only home after spending their way into deep debt. They moved into parents’ home-brotthrt’s childhood bedroom-in their 40’s and they are now in their 60’s still living 100% free of any bills and the parents-though thoroughly embarrassed by thi and rightly so-make excuses and consider anyone who questions this very odd, “failure to launch” arrangement their enemy. They expressed hating his using them to fund his bill-free life and his spending any money his wife earns (he doesn’t work although father used criminal connections to get him into law school and got the bar exam answers ahead of time illegally and STILL an unemployed failure!) to “play” and entertain themselves without the stresses of adulthood. But they playact and “fake brag” about all his vacations and dining experiences etc..to hide their shame.
He had a vicious temper from a young age but was never held accountable. Soo it’s not a surprise that he was elected in the conspiracy by my now ex-family to “teach me a lesson” after I went No Contact with them and set clear boundaries and consequences regarding their still abusive behaviors. They had him hide after luring my husband and me to their house under the ruse of wanting to reconcile with us at Christmas. Fake apologies and fake tears. At that time I wasn’t as knowledgeable about RASNs as I am now with Pastor Crippen’s help for years now. So i thought I HAD to forgive them. Known they weren’t sorry at all. Been there. Done that many times before. Was always fake. Breadcrumbs to rope us back into being their targets. Because I held them accountable more than anyone else. Now I know it wasn’t enough. Should have been zero contact decades ago.
Like you said, George, they are not of the Lord. Fraud Christians for decades. “Christian Criminals and Abusers”. Not possible. I should have extricated myself and my husband long before they were able to carry out a scheme to nearly kill us in retaliation for setting firm boundaries on them.
The violent, failure brother gladly hid in the dark when we were at their garage and leapt out with a hockey stick as his weapon slashing at me first saying he was going to kill me. He was maniacal and demonic. My husband was severely injured from the blows of the weapon he took to block me from being hurt. He was stunned and could only try to block some of the many blows he took to his face, eye and head.
When I was able to drag my disoriented and badly concussed husband to our car he was bleeding from open gashes all over his face, eye and head. I called the police.
Talk about the claws coming out when the golden child of these degenerate abuser parents were questioned by police about the clear evidence of a one-sided attack by my brother, they lied their faces off. Hid the weapon. And blamed my husband for all of it. The contradictions in their statements, the infeasible accusations they made went unheeded by lazy, ignorant police (who likely had no training about how RASNs react to being questioned and being held accountable-lies lies and more lies). My husband who was being taken to the hospital for his injuries by paramedics was instead arrested along with the true and only perpetrator. The perjurers who got caught in many lies were not confronted with them. Police took the easy and fast way out that Christmas Day.
So, George, know that you are not alone in doing the right thing in disassociating with the RASNs in your life. It is the godly thing to do. Too bad we didn’t do it sooner. And I concur with your decision to take Jesus’s promises at His Word and rely on them to make a new life without any family. (I do t know about you but I had to cut off access to all who enabled, embraced and still embrace, welcome association with my criminal abusers.) Which isn’t fun or normal but far better than allowing any more abuses or betrayals.
God bless you as you make your way through this life walking. a hard road. Praying for you. 🙏🏽
George
Z
I’m truly sorry for what you had to go through. People in healthier relationships can not even imagine what narcissistic rage looks like. Because of you’re desire for reconciliation, they gaslight you into giving them one more chance. I’ve learned that forgiveness can co-exist with no contact. I can forgive them but I would never trust them. I will have nothing to do with them. Instead I spend my energy trying to understand how I was affected and re-parent myself. The Truth does indeed set you free to heal and have your mind renewed. Keep looking to Jesus who has given you the gift of faith in Him.
anonymous
God bless any survivor of RASN parenting.