2Ti 3:1-2 But realize this, that in the last days difficult times will come. (2) For men will be lovers of self, lovers of money, boastful, arrogant, revilers, disobedient to parents, ungrateful, unholy,
Sin is about self. Self is first. Self is its own god. Self serves itself at the expense of others. And this is why one of the characteristic marks of a RASN (reviler, abuser, sociopath, narcissist) is using others. Wicked people such as domestic abusers and the other categories of evil ones only see themselves. The only notice they take of others is as tools whose existence is only justified in being used.
It is very easy for us to miss this quality of evil, and thus we end up being used. Evil is marked by unthankfulness. RASNs are ungrateful. They expect everyone else to serve them and if that service is denied, the fangs come out.
Example – There was once a man, a professing Christian who actually worked as a “Christian” counselor and who had graduated from seminary, who was a member of our church here. He was a board member when I arrived. He had preached on occasion when the church was without a pastor. But there were signs that all was not as it appeared. His marriage, for instance, was, well, let’s just say – odd. The first time his anger at me showed was when he asked me (he was in his 70’s) to drive him in my own vehicle 100 miles (one way) to a location where he had stored some of his possessions. Why? Because he wanted to get an old bathroom sink from there for his house. The think was obviously impractical – he could buy a used sink locally, or even a new one, for less than a 200 mile trip would cost. So I declined to do this. Fangs. “Do you mean that as my pastor, you are saying that you won’t do this for me?” And this was by no means the only time he acted this way. Eventually, after telling me some months later that I was not qualified to be a pastor, he left the church.
This is just one of many, many such examples of “using” that I could give, and I am sure you have examples from you own experiences. Abusers are users. They demand to be served. And this using can easily go under our abuser-detection radar if we are not up to speed on it. A person can wear a “fine Christian holy saint” disguise, but when we see this trait of using others, of demanding to be served, it is time for the red warning lights to start flashing.
Sarah
Thank you for sharing your wisdom, Pastor Crippen!!
Jeff Crippen
You’re welcome Sarah. Wisdom that has only come from being duped many times!
Thankful
In general, I avoid non-disabled adults who do not have cars. It’s not a question of if they’re going to make an outrageous request like the one you received, but when.
Car-less adults who aren’t disabled often fall into two categories. 1) Those who think they’re environmentally superior and/or urban-hip because they don’t have cars but want to impose on us who do. 2) Those who lost their cars because of repeated bad choices which often bleed into other areas of their lives, such as DUIs and chronic joblessness, and they’re looking for enablers.
There are car-less people who show up at social gatherings without a ride home and make it other people’s problem. They just assume they can corner someone to give them a ride home. Even when they live 20 miles north of a downtown event in some obscure rural town, and they know that everyone else in that specific group either lives downtown or in the suburbs south or east of the event. These audacious types will often get in the car and announce they “need” to stop three additional places. Or be angry at someone for not being at a specific event they never even said they were going to attend because the car-less person expects that person to always be their ride home! I stopped inviting these pests to group events I use to plan. Lately, I don’t plan in-person events at all.
I’ve been told that if you live in a 55+ community and have a car, you can expect to get pressured for rides by residents you barely know. I don’t plan to live in one anytime soon.
I learned to just state facts and quickly end the conversation when someone makes an outrageous long ride request like the one you received. Most of the time they already know where I live and that the request was inappropriate. If, for example, I live in Los Angeles and they want a ride to Long Beach and that’s a one hour drive each way, I just say, “I live in Los Angeles.” Just those words with no wiggle-room. I don’t start with, “Sorry…” or “I wish I could, but…” I’ve never had anyone not get the hint when I state where I live. Whatever you do, don’t say you have an appointment on the day they’ve requested. They arrogantly assume that means you’ll give them a ride the day after that.
Keep in mind that people without cars have other options, even if they’re not as convenient as your car. Literally every county in America has public door-to-door transportation services for elderly, low-income, and disabled people who can’t walk or mentally navigate their way to public bus stops. It’s federal law for every county to have them. Some counties are better than others, but they exist even in rural Alaska. Most car-less people have already been told about them several times. Plus, there are nonprofit groups for special-needs situations. The American Cancer Society offers drivers for chemotherapy patients to get to treatments. Some Medicare/Medicaid, VA, and private insurance plans pay for taxis to the doctor and pharmacies. These public programs have limitations, but there’s no reason for kind-hearted, unpaid people with cars like yourself to be enslaved to inconsiderate users without them.
lg
Woah! I was just thinking today about considering a 55+ community in the near future as I am currently struggling with realizing I was bamboozled by my neighbors to become their new tenant only to be totally exploited and left out to dry, losing thousands of dollars! I’m so dismayed because I adored (or wanted so badly to adore) that family.
Thank you G-d for leading me to read this post and its replies!
I am reminded of two quotes:
(1) I only heard last week “niceness does not equal goodness,” – Gavin de Becker, The Gift of Fear
(2) “They were careless people.” – F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Great Gatsby (everyone in Gatsby was ‘careless’ weren’t they, especially the narrator, Nick, who prided himself in believing he was the least careless of them all, but then looks at his actions, not words: the dog ran away due to his neglect, seeing multiple women, writing to one back home telling her he loved her when he did not, dismissing Jordan’s “incurabl[e] dishonest[y]….”
Jeff Crippen
Great quotes and insights!!!
Thankful
When you encounter a non-disabled adult without a car, it’s almost always an arrogant person who expects others to serve them in additional ways. I once had a needy “friend” who was full of stories about how she’d been harmed by scores of evil relatives, landlords, ex-housemates, employers, colleges, congregations, hobby clubs, ex-friends and others. She had no car, supposedly because hers was repo’ed in another state due to no fault of her own. Nothing was ever her fault, of course.
Here’s what I urge others to pay attention to with suspected users – how often do they let you meet or spend time with the other people in their lives? If they’re not estranged from their relatives, old friends, housemates, and coworkers, does the user ever invite you to gatherings where you get to meet the others? Or do you just hear a lot about them, perhaps about how terrible they supposedly are, and yet they’re apparently still in active contact? Users who are freeloading rides from ten different people don’t want them meeting each other. They want each person to believe they’re the only source of transportation. Same with those freeloading babysitting, money, or other goods. They don’t want people comparing notes.
Users tend to lie to and about the people they’re using. In order for them to constantly attain goods and services from others, they have to claim they’ve been recurrent victims of cruel people and bad luck. That may mean that your own good name could be getting unfairly maligned by that same user you’ve actually been helping.
I should have realized that my car-less friend’s “poor me” stories didn’t add up, and that she’d already taken advantage of my and others’ generosity. I was about to majorly help her with a situation when I had a chance encounter with one of her “evil” relatives who actually lives in another state and whom I’d never met. An odd set of events had led me to my speaking to her family member – perhaps it was God at work? It turned out that there were two sides to that family’s story, and they’d been and still were helping my “friend” extensively for many years. I learned that she was lying to me about her then-current situation that I was about to attempt to help remedy. Moreover, I had been negatively misportrayed to those same relatives, and my prior extensive help had never been mentioned to them. As you can guess, my “friend” was not happy after this unplanned conversation took place, but I sure was. No more welcome-mat or door-mat from my end.
A few years later, that ex-friend was in several local news stories. She was living in a beautiful, newly-opened women’s subsidized apartment complex in an upscale area of town, spinning an untrue story about how she got down on her luck. Apparently, the news reporters and social workers didn’t verify her tall-tales. It made me a little cynical about the homeless. Many of them are legitimately in need, but I suspect there are some like my ex-friend who burned their friends, family, employers, spouses, congregations, and housemates to get there.