Unholy Charade - Jeff Crippen

Unmasking the Domestic Abuser in the Church

Author: Jeff Crippen Page 26 of 88

Sin Must be Snipped as Soon as it Buds – or else….

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On March 20, 2023

In Abusers, Evil

Jas 1:14-15 But each person is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desire. (15) Then desire when it has conceived gives birth to sin, and sin when it is fully grown brings forth death.

We are able to see from these Words from God Himself that sin is like a living thing. And that it develops if allowed to do so. Desire – Conception – birth – Growth – death of the sinner. James’ intent is to give us sober warning. Do not permit sin to grow. Put it to death by the Spirit before it can even be conceived in us, let alone, born.

Sin grows. It develops. I think we can rightly conclude this from James’ words. Sin, when it is fully grown…

I point this out because I suspect that many of us have wondered – was the reviler/abuser/sociopath/narcissist who did me so much harm, always who he is now? We know that we are all born into this world in sin, sinners by nature, fallen creatures who are dead to God. But we do not all become narcissists who we know and…do not love.

I would suggest that the RASN (pronounced “raisin,” see the bold list above for the words behind this acronym) started his or her journey in evil at some point with a seed. Who planted the seed or why was it planted? We normally cannot answer these questions. But somehow, sometime, a sin-seed was sown by a type of resolve – “No one will ever shame me again.” “I will be superior to everyone else.” “I deserve.” And then, instead of repenting of that wicked seed and rooting it out so that it died, it was cultivated. It was a permitted sinful desire cherished in the mind and heart.

And it grew, and grew, and grew.

Until finally, it was born.

What emerged in this diabolic birth? Sin. Full-grown sin. The seed, the desire, became that RASN who causes its target grief and torment.

This pattern, in my opinion, this desire – birth – growth, is what we see in so many people. Perhaps in earlier years the reason you didn’t see the narcissism is because it was only present in seed form, but it had been planted and over the years it grew and grew and grew. [I hope we all see here the vital need for Godly discipline by parents toward their children]. So that finally, fully grown, that self-entitled cruel arrogance fully engulfs the one in whom it was conceived.

Was my abuser always conspiring against me? Was he from the very start seeing me as just a supply whose purpose was to feed his self-glorying? Or was this horrid thing we call pride present in him as a seed, growing and growing and growing until….?

To such questions I suppose no one can always provide a certain answer. But I do know that we must watch ourselves and watch our children and watch one another in the body of Christ so that when we see a seed of sin planted, just beginning to sprout, we put it to death by the Spirit long before it can grow and bear fruit and give birth to – here is the ironic thing – before it can be born and produce death.

Be sure to read this post at Light for Dark Times

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On March 17, 2023

In Abusers

Here is a link to a post I published today over at my blog, Light for Dark Times. It concerns an important subject – what does it mean when an observed persona does not match the perceived person? I call those moments – “aha moments” and it is vital that we understand them.

Evil People are not Rare in the World OR in the Visible Church

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On March 15, 2023

In Abusers, Evil

Act 20:28-30 Pay careful attention to yourselves and to all the flock, in which the Holy Spirit has made you overseers, to care for the church of God, which he obtained with his own blood. (29) I know that after my departure fierce wolves will come in among you, not sparing the flock; (30) and from among your own selves will arise men speaking twisted things, to draw away the disciples after them.

The church, the true church, the real body of Christ is holy and righteous. It consists of people who are the Lord’s flock, people He knows. And a local, visible church that is a true church consists primarily of just such people, although there may be some in the pews who are not born again. Local churches in this present world – even the best of them – will not be absolutely pure. But where the Word of God is truly preached and taught and believed, where the Lord’s Table and Baptism are observed, and where church discipline (real, righteous and just discipline) is practiced, you have a true church. Sadly, in our day, such true churches seem to be getting harder and harder to find.

Whenever you have unbiblical preaching, a watered down “gospel,” an improper exercise of the sacraments (ordinances) or a sinful neglect of biblical discipline – what are you going to have? Well, I propose that what you are going to have is what we have today! More and more local churches that are full of counterfeits who honor the Lord with their lips but their hearts are far from Him.

When you read the New Testament (and the Old for that matter), think about it – how often do you read things like:

  • Descriptions of evil people to watch for
  • Descriptions of the tactics of evil, false shepherds or members
  • Rebukes for toleration of evil in the church
  • Instruction for church discipline, why? Because evil in the church must be dealt with.
  • Threatenings from the Lord for a church’s refusal to put evil out or to separate from it.

Get the idea? The problem of wicked ones coming in among Christ’s people is not some rare phenomenon. It is, in fact, typical. Think of how many of the seven churches in Revelation 2-3 received no rebuke from the Lord and in several cases the rebuke was for “tolerating that woman Jezebel” or “the Nicolaitan” heretics. Evil within is not rare. It is always at the door and it would seem that it very often is receiving a warm welcome.

What then is the point? It is that we must stop buying into this nonsense that “everyone is welcome in the church.” Or, “we are to love everyone, just love them to Jesus no matter who they are.” Or, “we must not doubt that anyone who professes to be a Christian really is a Christian.” You’ve heard all of these lies before I am sure.

No, we are to have the Lord’s armor on. We are to be watchful. We are to be on guard for ourselves and for the flock. Because, well, because:

1Pe 5:8 Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.

Up Against the Red Sea

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On March 13, 2023

In Biblical Teaching

2Co 1:9 Indeed, we felt that we had received the sentence of death. But that was to make us rely not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead.

There it is. The hardest lesson to learn. In the middle of trials and perhaps even more importantly, in the midst of the “good times,” to learn to stop putting our faith in ourselves, but rather in the Lord.

Pro 3:5-6 Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. (6) In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.

Leaning on my own understanding. There is the problem. How often do we “pray” but in fact what we are doing is telling the Lord what we want Him to do? Writing the script and saying to Him – “here you go, this is the plan”?

All of us who know Him have been or are presently in trials – often some pretty severe trials. We either were in one, or we are in one, or we are headed for one. The real issue in it all is – will we trust the Lord and believe His promises, following Him where He leads us? Or, will we keep “leaning on our own understanding” as Proverbs puts it?

The Lord is good to His people. His promises never fail. If we are going to follow Him, then we are going to have to deny ourselves, die to ourselves, and go where He takes us. If we belong to Him, He is going to keep bringing us up to the Red Sea with no visible way out, until we learn the lesson of faith.

2Co 5:6-7 So we are always of good courage. We know that while we are at home in the body we are away from the Lord, (7) for we walk by faith, not by sight.

Trust Him. Believe Him. Give Him the reins – hand them over. Only then will we experience the peace He is waiting to give us.

Hard-Hearted and Heartless

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On March 8, 2023

In Churches/Church Response, Evil

Rev 2:1-5 “To the angel of the church in Ephesus write: ‘The words of him who holds the seven stars in his right hand, who walks among the seven golden lampstands. (2) “‘I know your works, your toil and your patient endurance, and how you cannot bear with those who are evil, but have tested those who call themselves apostles and are not, and found them to be false. (3) I know you are enduring patiently and bearing up for my name’s sake, and you have not grown weary. (4) But I have this against you, that you have abandoned the love you had at first. (5) Remember therefore from where you have fallen; repent, and do the works you did at first. If not, I will come to you and remove your lampstand from its place, unless you repent.

I am reformed in my theology. I love the historic reformed confessions of faith. They have been a great help and encouragement to me.

However, I have experienced more than once a real stronghold (and not a good one) among pastors, Christians, and denominations that are “reformed.” I agree with the sound doctrine found among most of them (a few exceptions), but over the years as I have tried to join them in fellowship – for example, our church joining a reformed denomination – one recurring obstacle has reared its ugly head. What shall I call it? Well, I will call it “the Ephesian church sin.” You can see it in the scripture above, our Lord’s letter to the church at Ephesus.

He commends them for their faithful adherence to sound doctrine. They were faithful in testing so-called “apostles” who were wolves in wool.

BUT, the Lord tells them that He has something against them. He charges them with a serious, sinful offense against Him. What is it? They had left their first love. What does that mean?

I think it means the very thing that happens to “champions of the faith” who focus on jot and tittle but who forget mercy.

Luk 11:42 “But woe to you Pharisees! For you tithe mint and rue and every herb, and neglect justice and the love of God. These you ought to have done, without neglecting the others.

These are the kind of people who crave position and power in churches and denominations. They CRAVE it. God’s real chosen leaders don’t even want the job! (Think of Moses’ reaction when the Lord called him, as an example). These evil men rise to power while the sheep foolishly let it happen. And WOE to anyone who dares oppose or even differ with them. They have left their first love – love for Christ, love for His people. Gone. Abandoned. Jot and tittle are the only thing now.

What does Jesus say to them? “Repent, and do the works you did at first. If not, I will come to you and remove your lampstand from its place, unless you repent.”

We saw this very thing when we for a short time were association with ARBCA (Association of Reformed Baptist Churches in America). It looked very good at first and there were indeed real brothers and sisters in Christ in its ranks. But there was evil cancer under the surface. Diotrephes type power-hungry men had risen to power and they loved that power. In addition, they covered up for one of their own for many years until his crimes were exposed (he is in prison now). God removed His presence from among them. The denomination is now a ghost town of what it was.

I do not judge any church or pastor or church member who chooses to be part of a denomination or other association of churches. For all of its flaws (which we all have) I have been very blessed by Ligonier Ministries and the ministry of R.C. Sproul who, as he grew older, became increasingly outspoken to his audiences (some of whom were all pastors) – “Many of you here right now are not born again and you are an inch from passing into an eternity in hell.”

But, for myself, I will never again formally join a denomination and it is my opinion that those places provide a seedbed for little popes to arise. I mean, think about it – where did Rome originate? It started when the bishop of Rome began to think of himself as better than the other bishops and THEY bought into his arrogance!! Where ever there is a “career ladder to climb,” you can expect Diotrephes (see 3 John) to show up and start climbing it. And he will turn those who follow him into heartless, loveless places which Christ ultimately departs from.

Tender-hearted, Forgiving, Believing the Best

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On March 6, 2023

In Counseling, Victims

Eph 4:32 Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.

Col 3:12-14 Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, (13) bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. (14) And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony.

We necessarily talk much here about how the wicked twist Scriptures on the subject of forgiveness. And we talk about righteous anger and how it is right and good to yearn for the Lord’s justice upon evildoers.

But what I would like us to think about here is how we as real Christians must relate to one another. Especially when we have differences or when we sin or perceive that we have been sinned against by a fellow believer.

You know the feeling. That pit in your stomach when you are afraid that you have offended a friend by something you said or did that perhaps was wrongly perceived. This fear can be the result of being blamed, shamed, accused, alienated, and isolated by someone like a reviler/abuser/sociopath/narcissist. It has happened so often, right? Relationships destroyed. Dumped. Abandoned. Rejected. Blamed. By family members, children, one-time friends. These things are the work of the evil ones who want to isolate us and control us and punish us for not adequately worshipping them.

But with this kind of toxic history, we can easily become relationship “gun-shy.” When is the next person going to turn and abandon us? When are we going to say or do something “wrong” and that’s the end of that? This thing can haunt us. It’s one reason abuse victims often habitually say, “sorry, I’m sorry….sorry…sorry.”

When we who are real, authentic Christians think that another believer has said something that seemed hurtful, or has done something that offended us, we need to be slow to take offense. I hope that whenever I write something in this blog that offends a reader, or that when I say something in a sermon or Bible study that rubs someone the wrong way, that they will not just convict and dump me. We have all had waaaayyy too much of that dumping, right?

In the best of relationships between real brothers and sisters in Christ, there will sometimes be friction, or most of the time perceived friction because of something said or done or not done. I mean, I can mention that I enjoy hunting and fishing and shooting and……whatever – and suddenly someone is done with me. Or I can mention that I approach the book of Revelation through an amillennial lens, and another person casts me away for being a “liberal.” I can say something I think is funny, but someone is offended – and once again the dump truck dumps the relationship. These things ought not to be among brothers and sisters in Christ. It is a terrible crippling thing to have to live in the fear of waiting for the next rejection blow to fall and we must do everything we can to help one another conquer that fear by extending safety in Christ to one another.

We who are in Christ ought not to have to fear these things from one another. We should be able to be comfortable in Christ’s flock – even when we receive some valid criticism which is meant for our good. Because, after all –

Col 3:12-13 Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, (13) bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.

Faith Must Have Priority Over Intellect: “The Intellectual Evil Man”

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On March 1, 2023

In Abusers, Evil, Narcissist

1Co 1:18-21 For the word of the cross is folly to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God. (19) For it is written, “I will destroy the wisdom of the wise, and the discernment of the discerning I will thwart.” (20) Where is the one who is wise? Where is the scribe? Where is the debater of this age? Has not God made foolish the wisdom of the world? (21) For since, in the wisdom of God, the world did not know God through wisdom, it pleased God through the folly of what we preach to save those who believe.

I imagine that most of you have met him (or her). The “Christian” who is, as Paul puts it, wise according to the wisdom of the world. Who approaches Christ with his head, measuring the gospel and God’s Word with the filter of his intellect. To such, as Paul says, the gospel word of the cross is foolishness.

We cannot come to know the Lord through our own wisdom. The foolishness of the Cross will remain foolish until we humble ourselves and come to Christ by faith.

This does not mean that the gospel is contrary to the reason which God has given us. Christianity is not a religion which demands we put our brains out to pasture. Consider for instance how Jesus so wonderfully opened up the Scriptures to us – but to those who refuse to come to Him in faith, He will only speak to them in dark sayings, in parables so that they cannot understand. Faith must precede reason. Reason must be governed by faith.

People who get this backwards (because in their pride they boast of their intellect) operate with the notion that faith must be governed by their reason. I knew a scientist once who, when I observed that God created light before He created the sun and stars, scoffed. The man claimed to be a Christian, but he rejected the very opening words of the Bible.

Why do I write about these things here? Because the “Christian” who walks according to the wisdom of this world will inevitably be a counterfeit – and an arrogant one at that. All kinds of other evils flow from such a person. And in the end, as the Lord says, the wise according to this world will be shown to be fools.

The man who is a “wise-according-to-this-world Christian” is mean. He holds Christ’s people in contempt. He only comes into the fellowship of Christ’s flock to exalt himself, boasting of his wisdom. But that wisdom is absolutely incompatible with God’s wisdom in Christ. Actually, though these counterfeits may speak of the cross, in truth it is foolishness to them.

Paul mentions one class of these kind – the debater of this age. Here is the one who Paul instructs us to reject:

Rom 16:17-18 I appeal to you, brothers, to watch out for those who cause divisions and create obstacles contrary to the doctrine that you have been taught; avoid them. (18) For such persons do not serve our Lord Christ, but their own appetites, and by smooth talk and flattery they deceive the hearts of the naive.

You may have seen these kind in action. Exalting themselves via their intellect, they create divisions and obstacles which hinder people from coming to Christ. Many of the domestic abusers who hide in the pews are of this very ilk. They have an incredible mindset of superiority and entitlement, demanding that people bend to their views…or else. But the Lord sees, and the Lord knows. These creeps who creep in among us are perishing. For all their boasting and religion, they are on the Broadway to hell.

1Co 1:18 For the word of the cross is folly to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God.

Why do they bother with Religion?

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On February 27, 2023

In Evil, False Teaching

2Co 11:4 For if someone comes and proclaims another Jesus than the one we proclaimed, or if you receive a different spirit from the one you received, or if you accept a different gospel from the one you accepted, you put up with it readily enough.

People – wicked people – invent “another Jesus.” A counterfeit Jesus that is not the Jesus of the Bible. Who is not the Son of God. Their fiction is an idol crafted by the minds of Satan’s children. But why do they imagine a christ who is not Christ?

I can tell you.

They do so because they hate the real Jesus. They hate the gospel – BUT, they want to be regarded as “Christians,” as real followers of Jesus. It’s just that they do not want following Jesus to entail suffering on their part. They want a Jesus who makes them popular and wealthy. Who never demands that they must take up their cross and die to themselves.

I have seen this thing play out many, many times in my 40 years as a pastor. Here is someone who appears to be just the finest example of a Christian. Church member, faithful in church attendance, knowledgeable of Scripture, able to offer impressive sounding prayers, but….

As the days and months and years go by, the unwillingness of these counterfeits to suffer for Christ, to be unpopular with and hated by the world, to die to themselves in other words, becomes increasingly difficult for them to disguise. And as the real Christians around them do suffer for Christ, such an environment becomes more and more uncomfortable for them. It’s too narrow. Too rocky. Too, well, costly.

They serve another Jesus, you see. And so, off they go, claiming that they are following Christ when in fact change of course takes them onto the Broadway that leads to destruction. It’s wide. It’s comfy. It doesn’t cost anything, and there is lots and lots of company there made up of people just like them.

Turns out that their jesus is an agent of Satan, a demonic Pied-Piper sent to lead those who do not love God’s truth to hell.

It Can be a very Long Time before You Understand what You are Dealing With

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On February 22, 2023

In Abusers, Evil, Getting Free, Narcissist

1Ti 5:24 The sins of some people are conspicuous, going before them to judgment, but the sins of others appear later.

Some people’s sins are obvious – fornication, thievery, murder, disobedience to parents – these kind are not difficult to see. But, as Paul says, there is another brand of sinner whose sins “appear later.” That doesn’t mean that such people don’t sin now but eventually will. No, it is a warning to Timothy that some people’s sins are covert and disguised. Therefore wisdom must be exercised.

Satan can appear as an angel of light, and his servants as sons of righteousness. In fact, they very often do this very thing. Many of the wicked ones we have had the unpleasant experience of crossing paths with are of this very type. And what I want to especially focus upon here is this – it can (and typically does) take a very long time to understand just what and who these people are.

This is why so many of you have written to me and said “I was in an abusive marriage for 20, 30, 40 years before I finally got free.” Why was this? Are you all stupid – am I stupid? Well, we certainly haven’t always possessed or acted upon wisdom, but the basic reason it takes so long to clearly see just what these wicked people really are is because their sin is so disguised, so confusing, so two-faced. And because we naturally believe that all other people think like we do in their fundamental suppositions.

But that was all wrong. We were wrong. We were blind. Some people’s sins appear later. Paul said that Alexander the Coppersmith did him much harm. I wonder if initially Paul trusted this guy? I don’t know for sure, but by the time he warned Timothy about him, Paul had sorted it out.

I don’t think we need to beat ourselves up about being duped by the wicked for so long. If there was any sin on our part in perhaps refusing to see what was right in front of us, well, then we confess that sin and know that the Lord forgives us. But the onus for this deception lies upon the deceiver. We trusted such people. We thought the best about them. We assumed they loved us but that they were just “difficult people” whom the Lord called us to be patient with. And we had plenty of people – friends, family, church members and pastors – adding to the fog.

But we were wrong.

Behind that mask of saintliness, inside that whitewashed tomb, lurked the real person. No empathy. No love. A consuming mentality of superiority and entitlement. A user. An oppressor. And as the mask began to slip and wisdom increasingly came our way, we started seeing that the clean, polished cup was full of filth. Often that clarity came through some very painful experiences.

But the clarity came. And once we realized just what and who we were dealing with, freedom and validation started to come our way as well. It wasn’t my fault. Those red warning lights that I saw over the years and which were squelched, started to replay in my mind and more – they started to make sense.

How could I be so stupid? Well, in some part we have to admit it was due to my failure to more carefully know and heed God’s Word, but in fact we really weren’t so stupid. It just took time – a long time – to see behind the mask.

And now we know.

Humility is a Mark of the Spirit – the Wicked are ‘Puffed Up’

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On February 20, 2023

In Abusers, Evil, Narcissist

Hab 2:4 “Behold, his soul is puffed up; it is not upright within him, but the righteous shall live by his faith.

1Co 4:6 I have applied all these things to myself and Apollos for your benefit, brothers, that you may learn by us not to go beyond what is written, that none of you may be puffed up in favor of one against another.

Col 2:18 Let no one disqualify you, insisting on asceticism and worship of angels, going on in detail about visions, puffed up without reason by his sensuous mind,

1Ti 6:3-4 If anyone teaches a different doctrine and does not agree with the sound words of our Lord Jesus Christ and the teaching that accords with godliness, (4) he is puffed up with conceit and understands nothing. He has an unhealthy craving for controversy and for quarrels about words, which produce envy, dissension, slander, evil suspicions,

A frequent image of sinful pride which Scripture uses is this picture of being “puffed up.” We use a similar expression – “an inflated ego.” One possible meaning of the Greek work for “puffed up” as used in 1 Tim 6:4 is, get this, “mentally ill.” Think about that. The person who is “puffed up” is made to be mentally ill, crazy if you will, by his high-minded conceit.

Pride is a sin common to all human beings. Every Christian must battle against it. But we also know that there are certain evil ones who are particularly consumed by this sin. We call them narcissist, sociopaths, and other such terms which describe a particularly satanic category. I say satanic because pride unleashed is an especially dark sin which Scripture seems to indicate was the heart of the devil in his rebellion against God. “I will be like the Most High.” That kind of thing.

Pride is insanity. The puffed up person lives with a fantasy self disguise which is fictional. He or she sees themselves as exalted, almost divine, expecting to be worshipped. This is insanity because not only is it a lie, it is self-destructive. It destroys relationships. It removes God’s blessing. And it leads ultimately to hell.

Applying this horrid arrogance to the case of the domestic abuser, consider how such a person cuts off the branch he is sitting on. He does so in many ways. He resents any success or achievement on the part of his spouse. He actively works to undermine her success in order to keep her under his thumb. This is insanity. It is self-destructive. He works to destroy the helper the Lord has given him – attacking his own flesh as it were.

The puffed up man will always erode relationships. In his mind he is a huge success and any failures will be blamed upon others. But the failure is his own. No narcissist will ever come to the end of his life enjoying genuine, loving relationships with family and friends – nor will he be welcomed into the Lord’s house. Won’t happen.

Traveling the road to hell is insane. But that is the way a person consumed with pride will choose. In the end when he finds himself eternally separated from the Light and Life of Christ – he will only have himself to blame.

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