Psa 64:1-10 To the choirmaster. A Psalm of David. Hear my voice, O God, in my complaint; preserve my life from dread of the enemy. (2) Hide me from the secret plots of the wicked, from the throng of evildoers, (3) who whet their tongues like swords, who aim bitter words like arrows, (4) shooting from ambush at the blameless, shooting at him suddenly and without fear.
(5) They hold fast to their evil purpose; they talk of laying snares secretly, thinking, “Who can see them?” (6) They search out injustice, saying, “We have accomplished a diligent search.” For the inward mind and heart of a man are deep.
(7) But God shoots his arrow at them; they are wounded suddenly. (8) They are brought to ruin, with their own tongues turned against them; all who see them will wag their heads. (9) Then all mankind fears; they tell what God has brought about and ponder what he has done. (10) Let the righteous one rejoice in the LORD and take refuge in him! Let all the upright in heart exult!
One of the diabolic qualities of the RASN (reviler, abuser, sociopath, narcissist) is this business of secrecy. It enables their deceptions, their false disguise persona. Secrecy. This is a thing which drives them – that they not be known. Jesus told the Pharisees that outwardly they were a whitewashed tomb all clean and pretty, but inwardly full of death and corruption. Secrecy.
We often encounter people (sometimes we “know” them for years) who in fact do not want to be known. You know them, but you don’t really know them. This quest for anonymity is very intentional. You don’t know them because they do not want to be known.
If, over time, such a person begins to sense that you are seeing behind the mask, that you are starting to at least in part, know them for who they really are, trouble is not far ahead. Those who do not want to be known live in constant fear of being known – just as a normal person would be in a panic to be seen unclothed.
Experts in this field could describe the dynamics in far more detail than I can, but I just wanted to point out to you that there are people who do not want to be known, who you can “know” for years and yet if you give it some serious thought, you realize that you don’t know them at all. They don’t talk. They don’t enter into healthy interpersonal communication. They don’t want to know others and they do not want others to know them. These things are not just personality quirks, no – this kind of hiding is quite intentional and it is a warning sign that such a person is unsafe.
Now, I should also note carefully that there is another kind of person who does not want to be known in many cases. The victim of abuse. Sometimes abuse victims don’t talk. We write them off as someone who “just is quiet.” But so often what is really going on is that the victim is fearful of what might happen if anyone were to find out what is really happening to her at the hands of her abuser (or his abuser). So they are quiet. Withdrawn. We must be wise to this and realize that this can be a warning sign that a person is in trouble.
All of this to say, proceed cautiously with people who do not want to be known. People whose life is a secret. Something is wrong.