Unmasking the Domestic Abuser in the Church

Evil Disregards its own Sins

Mal 2:17 You have wearied the LORD with your words. But you say, “How have we wearied him?” By saying, “Everyone who does evil is good in the sight of the LORD, and he delights in them.” Or by asking, “Where is the God of justice?”

Mal 1:6b-7 …But you say, ‘How have we despised your name?’ (7) By offering polluted food upon my altar. But you say, ‘How have we polluted you?’ By saying that the LORD’s table may be despised.

All through the book of Malachi we see this same pattern. Sinful, wicked, unfaithful people disregarding and denying their own sins and blaming God – accusing Him as the guilty party. This is a very common and characteristic trait of the wicked.

Your abuser, for example, typically set aside his own mountain of evil deeds and put blame on you. Here he has done a mass of wickedness, but all of it is set aside, denied, and disregarded and instead all prosecutorial focus is put upon you. It is more than a denial of guilt – it is a slate wiped clean as if all of that wicked abuse were a fiction and never happened.

You see the thing in criminal trials. Here is this evil murderer or child abuser charged with heinous crimes. What does he do – as represented by the defense? Point to the supposed errors or wrongdoings of the victim.

If you, for instance, talk to someone – with the goal of seeking help or validation for yourself – …if you talk to someone about the evils done to you by the reviler/abuser/sociopath/narcissist (RASN = raisin), why are you talking about those things to someone? Because they are real. Because those crimes or sins have been committed. But what did you find happened if the wicked one learned that you revealed his sins? Suddenly ALL those evils are swept away and the only “crime” on the table now is YOU. What YOU did. What YOU said. No matter that the real culprit’s crimes are too numerous to even list. No, all that matters is what YOU have done.

And this is what Malachi was charging the Israelites with. They who had a longstanding pattern of rebellious disobedience to God suddenly had spiritual amnesia about their own sins and only desired to blame and accuse God as the real problem.

This is what evil does. This is what the unrepentant guilty do.


Sin Must be Snipped as Soon as it Buds – or else….


Why is Your RASN so much like Mine?


  1. JKR

    Wow this is incredibly spot on accurate and timely for me personally too — thank you very much!

    My BPD/NPD (Covert) spouse recently told me and the kids that she’s losing faith in God (did she ever really have it though?) and is mad at Him for not answering her prayers during these past 6 months that I’ve started to go to counseling and have finally become aware of the truth about what’s been really going on during our entire marriage.

    She told us she has stopped praying too and doesn’t feel like going to church either and that I’m somehow to blame because I have boundaries now and have asked her to please get some help so that we can try to fix and save our marriage.

    Now, she’s even starting to encourage one of our teens to work on Sundays instead of keeping church a priority like it’s always been for us.

    The sad part is that this is all from the same person who thinks that half-truths, lies, and lies by omission are “ok” in some cases and that “adultery” and “sexual immorality” only happens when something “physical” happens between two people.

    Incredibly, JUST A FEW DAYS after revealing all of this to us, she literally sat across from me during breakfast and began reading Bible verse after Bible verse that had to do with “How Christian Husbands Should Treat Their Wives” and then added her own nasty, sarcastic comment after each one (“You really think you’re doing that?”)! After she was done, she made sure she texted each one to me and included her own biting comments again! The sheer absurdity and hypocrisy upset me like you wouldn’t believe!

    Still, I thanked her for sharing those Bible verses with me and told her I’d certainly take them all under prayerful consideration and will be sure to talk about them with both our Pastor and my Therapist as I continue to examine myself like God expects each and every one of us to.

    I then added that in the same spirit of “self-examing” ourselves daily before God, and since she was now ok with us sharing Bible verses with each other after years of ALWAYS getting mad at me whenever I tried to do that with her (or tried to get her to look at something in the Bible together with me), here’s just one single Bible verse for you…

    Matthew 7:1-5 (ESV) “Judge not, that you be not judged. For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you. Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye.”

    Her response? Humble? Self-Reflecting? Empathetic? No. Sadly, it was very predictable.

    “Yes that one you gave me does show that it pertains to both of us. That’s a good one.”

    Ok then. Like you said, “Evil disregards its own sins.”

    • Let me guess JKR – when you two were in the process of getting hitched there was not one trace of this kind of behavior? I have learned over the decades that these dear folks can only admit to a “shared” guilt. To admit to someone that they alone have sinned is out of the question. Doing so would cut off their oxygen supply. So sorry that you are faced with this challenge. God is always faithful, especially so in the lions den…
      Steve Nelson

      • JKR

        Thanks Steve. Some days are brutal. Thanks be to God for Him and His promises and truths!

        You know, looking back with the benefit of hindsight being 20/20 (and knowing what I know now from this blog, from counseling, and from all the other articles, books, and videos I’ve devoured), there were SOME SIGNS that should have served as potential red flags but I ignored them “in the name of love” and as a “hopeless romantic” and because “we’re all sinners” so I have to not let her actions/words upset me that much. Wrong.

        Your observation about “shared guilt” is a very good one too! Even now, after 6 months, it’s always “we’ve both done and said things and I’m willing to forgive you and move on, so you need to do the same for me!”

        Um, no.

        I’ve merely REACTED to everything she has said/done that was abusive (a.k.a. sinful). Any boundaries that have no been established are there as a result and in order to protect myself and my kids. It’s not to “punish” her and I will not be apologizing for that either.

        It’s so incredibly frustrating and sad.

        Grace & Peace,

  2. Veronica Miyake

    You could add to the title of this article, “…..But is Quick to Point Out Yours.” I learned early on in my walk with the Lord that evil raisins (I like your acronym RASN) ALWAYS accuse you of what they are guilty of. “You’re having an affair!” They’re probably having an affair. “You aren’t obedient to the Word as to what you should be doing as a wife (or husband, as JKR pointed out)!” They are the ones disobedient to the Word and acting abominably. And so on. I hear it all the time from women who say their husbands accuse them of being controlling, and their response is similar to JKR’s. They take it to heart and seek the Lord to see if they’re being like that. That’s how you know which one is the actually the abuser in the marriage: the one who plays the victim and denies any wrong doing (maybe admitting to minor offenses such as yelling). The other spouse, who self examines and seeks counseling for their OWN sin, not their spouse’s, is generally the victim in the situation (there might be a few rare exceptions to this rule). The word explains it perfectly. I wish more pastors gave sermons about this topic.


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