Unholy Charade - Jeff Crippen

Unmasking the Domestic Abuser in the Church

Author: Jeff Crippen Page 16 of 88

Why did I Marry Him (or Her)?

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On December 18, 2023

In Abusers, Family/Children, Narcissist, RASN

Psa 127:1-5 A Song of Ascents. Of Solomon. Unless the LORD builds the house, those who build it labor in vain. Unless the LORD watches over the city, the watchman stays awake in vain. (2) It is in vain that you rise up early and go late to rest, eating the bread of anxious toil; for he gives to his beloved sleep. (3) Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD, the fruit of the womb a reward. (4) Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one’s youth. (5) Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them! He shall not be put to shame when he speaks with his enemies in the gate.

As you all know, RASNs (revilers, abusers, sociopaths, narcissists) can be a man or a woman. But in this post I want to show you a dangerous pattern which I have seen more than once which led a woman to marry a RASN. The pattern could be illustrated from a man’s perspective as well, with a few different nuances.

“Why did I marry him?” I have had more than one abuse victim ask me that, or really, ask themselves, this question. Looking back, having gone through or being in the middle of the pain of marriage to an evil person. they ask “why did I marry him?” While there are no doubt a number of different answers to that question, I want to show you one which, as I said, I have come across more than once. It is this: she married him because she believed he would help her achieve her dreams.

Now, of course to a degree that reason is what should be part of marriage, right? The desire to have a one-flesh companion, the desire to have a family, the desire to raise up children in the Lord – all good desires. But as with anything, “good” things projected too far lose their goodness.

I suppose we might call this trap the “doll-house dream.” Little girls play with their dolls and their doll-houses. They live in the house through the person of their doll. They cook dinner. They bathe the children. They greet the husband. And as they grow up, that doll-house world becomes their dream. In their teen years they chat with their friends and share their dream for a real doll-house world.

But a dream in one thing. When it becomes an idol – trouble is lurking just around the corner. That dream-idol, that doll house which she just has to have, can drive her to marry the wrong man for the wrong reasons. “Let’s see, can that guy give me my idol-world? What is his career choice? What are his ambitions? What do people think of him? Can he give me a world that other people envy?

RASNs as you know are quite skilled at playing these kind of roles. They might very well have a career that is enviable and which provides the resources to get that doll-house. He might have a reputation in the world which others admire. He may be praised in the church for his saintliness. But….as time goes by, the dream becomes a nightmare.

Idolatry blinds us. When I pursue an image, a reputation, wealth and success in this world as my goal in life, even if that image on the surface looks admirable, I am going to be blinded by that idol. Marriage, family, a home…certainly can all be very good things. But a good thing elevated to the status of a god, is demonic and devastating.

It is very sad to watch a young woman starting out in life with great promise, headed into her life apparently walking with Christ, and then being swept away from that godly walk by “Mr. Wonderful” who plays her to her doll-house dream. Slowly (or perhaps even very quickly) Christ is moved to the background (oh, of course, the doll-house dream will include church on Sundays, she tells herself), and her energies are given to the dream. The magic of the wedding ring, the wedding ceremony, sets her head spinning and admiring eyes reinforce that dream.

Years later, there she is. Asking herself – “Why did I marry him?” Why is she asking? Because the doll-house dream which became an idol deceived her and led her into marriage with a RASN. It is a sad scenario.

Now, this thing is not easy for me to describe and I do not want any of you to read it and get the idea that I am saying that all abuse victims “did it” to themselves by pursuing this idol. No one deserves to be abused and RASNs are liars and deceivers and can dupe anyone. I am just trying to point out a particular danger – a pattern which I have come across more than once.

What does a truly godly person look like? Who is that real Christian man with whom a godly woman can be blessed to spend her life with? Well, he may not be envied by the crowds. He may not select a career that will provide a lot of wealth. But the love of Christ is in him, and that is the kind of husband or wife whom the Lord blesses.

Pro 16:19 It is better to be of a lowly spirit with the poor than to divide the spoil with the proud.

Part 2 of Jeff Crippen’s Interview on America Out Loud

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On December 15, 2023

In Blog News

On December 9th (I’m late getting this post published) part 2 of my interview with the Nurses Out Loud talk show was broadcast. Nurse Michele and I discussed more about how RASNs hide in churches and the evils they effect upon their targets.

Go to THIS LINK on iHeart Radio on your browser and scroll down to the December 9th broadcast on domestic abuse.

Part 2 – What does spiritual pride in the RASN look like?

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On December 13, 2023

In Abusers, Narcissist, RASN

3Jn 1:9-10 I have written something to the church, but Diotrephes, who likes to put himself first, does not acknowledge our authority. (10) So if I come, I will bring up what he is doing, talking wicked nonsense against us. And not content with that, he refuses to welcome the brothers, and also stops those who want to and puts them out of the church.

I wanted to share some more excellent insights from Jonathan Edwards in his essay on Spiritual Pride. He precisely nails the mentality and behavior of what we call the RASN (reviler, abuser, sociopath, narcissist). Here are some quotes:

Another effect of spiritual pride is to make the subject of it assuming. It oftentimes makes it natural to persons so to act and speak as though in a special manner it belonged to them to be taken notice of and much regarded. It is very natural to a person that is much under the influence of spiritual pride, to take all the respect that is paid him. If others show a disposition to submit to him, and yield him the deference of a teacher or headmaster, he is open to it and freely admits it. In fact it is natural to him to expect such treatment, and to take much notice if he fails of it, and to have an ill opinion of others that do not pay him that which he looks upon as his prerogative.

The Works of Jonathan Edwards, Vol 1 p 402, Banner of Truth Trust

Edwards obviously had the unpleasant experience of dealing with these kind and he describes them perfectly. RASNs expect to be worshipped and exalted. They lust for this adoration and if anyone dare not bow down to their image, the RASN will hold such people in contempt.

Here is another quote:

A person who is under the influence of spiritual pride is more apt to instruct others, than to inquire for himself, and naturally puts on the airs of a master….As spiritual pride disposes persons to assume much to themselves, so it also disposes them to treat others with neglect.

Ibid

The RASN is, as is often put, a “know-it-all.” You cannot tell them anything. They will tell YOU, and they do not characteristically ask about YOU. They talk about themselves.

These infernal qualities are red flags, warnings which we should recognize and not ignore. The person filled with this pride is not a safe person. A relationship with them will certainly be toxic and end in much harm and pain.

What Does Spiritual Pride in the RASN Look Like?

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On December 11, 2023

In Abusers, Narcissist, RASN

Oba 1:3-4 The pride of your heart has deceived you, you who live in the clefts of the rock, in your lofty dwelling, who say in your heart, “Who will bring me down to the ground?” (4) Though you soar aloft like the eagle, though your nest is set among the stars, from there I will bring you down, declares the LORD.

Most of you are probably familiar with the name Jonathan Edwards. He was a godly and genuine pastor in New England way back in the 1700’s and is known for his ministry during the great revivals and awakenings which the Lord effected in his day. In his essay, “Thoughts on the Revival” Edwards wrote about some of the sins and errors which tend toward quenching the Holy Spirit’s work in such times.

One chief of those sins is – spiritual pride. I am not certain why he specified spiritual pride but suspect that he is emphasizing that it is a pride which particularly emanates from the heart and which is especially operative within the boundaries of the visible church.

As you read these excerpts from Edwards’ essay, you will quickly understand why I am quoting them here. It is because they are a very excellent and accurate description of the RASN in action. NOTE: I have grouped revilers, abusers, sociopaths, and narcissists together in this acronym because it seems to me that they all share in certain fundamental qualities. Namely, lust for power and control, a mentality of entitlement and superiority, lack of empathy, and the use of very similar evil tactics to achieve their evil ends.

So then, here we go. Listen to Edwards:

Spiritual pride often disposes persons to singularity (ie, uniqueness, unusual, distinctive) in external appearance, to employ a noticeably singular way of speaking, or to be singular in voice, countenance, or behavior. Often his goal is to become all things to all men. At other times he may evidence a certain stiffness or inflexibility in opinion and ways.

Comment: You have seen this. For example, the RASN who selects the church for his/her theater of operation will often “put on” an outward manner of dress, vocabulary, tone of voice, which is intended to elevate the
RASN above everyone else.

Spiritual pride disposes persons (RASNs for our purposes) to enact separation, to stand at a distance from others, as being better than others; and loves the show and appearance of distinction.

Comment: That is to say, the RASN loves no one but himself, having no use for others except as a supply of praise and worship for themselves.

Spiritual pride takes great notice of opposition and injuries that are received, and is apt to be often speaking of them, and to be much in taking notice of their aggravations, either with an air of bitterness or contempt.

I believe this last point describes the really evil aspect of the RASN and the quality that in ways causes the most hurt and harm. The RASN takes great notice of opposition and injuries. Especially even perceived opposition and injuries. When the RASN concludes that anyone is opposing them or criticizing them or pointing out their sin, the fangs come out. No explanation is permitted. Revenge is the only menu item at that point. The RASN has a kind of radar rotating and monitoring at all times, quick to discern any possible exposure of their true self. The missiles of vengeance are always ready to fire.

As the Scripture quoted above says, the RASN lives in a lofty dwelling, deceived by the pride of their own heart, concluding that no one can ever take them down. The Lord says otherwise – “from there I will bring you down,” says the Lord.

Jeff Crippen Interview on America Out Loud

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On December 8, 2023

In Abusers

America Out Loud is a talk show/podcast forum at americaoutloud.news where Jeff was recently interviewed on the Nurses Out Loud program. Part two of the interview aired at 10AM this morning (eastern time) and will repeat this evening (Dec 8, 2023) at 11PM eastern time.

The interviewer, Nurse Michele, is a longtime friend of Unholy Charade and did a really great job putting this program together.

If you select America Out Loud podcasts on the website page, or download the America Out Loud app, you can listen to all of the programs, part 1 & 2 in podcast form. Nurses Out Loud podcasts can also be found with your Apple podcast app and other popular podcast apps.

We are very thankful to Michele and America Out Loud for enabling us to speak on the evils of RASNs to a larger audience.

RASNs Don’t Get “Better”

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On December 6, 2023

In Abusers

Mat 7:6 “Do not give dogs what is holy, and do not throw your pearls before pigs, lest they trample them underfoot and turn to attack you.

Pro 26:11 Like a dog that returns to his vomit is a fool who repeats his folly.

Some of you may have had occasion to target shoot and learn some things about the path of a projectile. We talk about “minute of angle” when we are sighting in a rifle, for example, with a telescopic sight. There are dials on the scope which are calibrated in minutes of angle and those minutes, like one second on a clock face, are 1/60th of one degree. Think of that. 1/60th of one second. 1/60th of one degree. Pretty small.

Until….

Until, you start talking about long distances. What begins as a very small deviation at range zero just keeps growing and growing and growing downrange, the further you go – the farther off target you get.

What does this have to do with sin, specifically, the sin of the RASN (reviler, abuser, sociopath, narcissist)? Well, it is this – RASNs don’t “get better” with time. They get worse. They grow harder. They stray further and further off course. In the case of some sinners, you might be able to get them to listen – “hey, you are getting further off course here.” But the truly nasty thing about this constellation we call RASNs is that they are never off course. They never miss the target. At least, not in their own eyes. You can’t correct them. Someone moved the target. It’s never their fault.

RASNs begin their lives off course, but the deviation might not be all that perceivable. The mentality is there – entitlement, superiority, no empathy, etc. As time goes by however, they don’t return to the right path. They don’t make those mental and moral ‘minute of angle’ adjustments. What might have been off an inch or so in early years grows and grows and grows as the years go by. RASNs don’t get “better.”

What does this mean for you if you are their target or if you are in some kind of relationship with one – at work, in marriage, a relative? It means that as long as you are holding out hope that one day a marvelous moment of self-realization accompanied by a thorough change of course is going to occur in the RASN – you are living in a world of fiction.

Whenever a person comes to faith in Christ and is born again, it is a miracle effected by the Lord. We are born dead in sin (see Ephesians 2). Only the Lord can make us alive. But there are people who the Lord, in his sovereign wisdom, hands over to their sin. They are people like this:

Heb 6:7-8 For land that has drunk the rain that often falls on it, and produces a crop useful to those for whose sake it is cultivated, receives a blessing from God. (8) But if it bears thorns and thistles, it is worthless and near to being cursed, and its end is to be burned.

1Jn 5:16 If anyone sees his brother committing a sin not leading to death, he shall ask, and God will give him life—to those who commit sins that do not lead to death. There is sin that leads to death; I do not say that one should pray for that.

Mar 6:11 And if any place will not receive you and they will not listen to you, when you leave, shake off the dust that is on your feet as a testimony against them.”

It is my opinion that RASNs are of this genre. Year after year they continue off course. They receive good things from the Lord and from people around them, but they only give a crop of thorns and thistles season after season. I wonder – how many of us waste years and years getting only thorns and thistles from these kind, still expecting that imagined harvest of good grain to come “next year”?

RASNs want to make you look bad so no one will listen to you

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On December 4, 2023

In Evil, Narcissist, RASN

2Co 10:10 For they say, “His letters are weighty and strong, but his bodily presence is weak, and his speech of no account.”

The Apostle Paul had many enemies. They were constantly at work to try to discredit him and the gospel he preached. Why? Because they saw him as a threat to their power and control. The same reasons the Jewish leaders slandered and ultimately killed Jesus.

The truth is a terrible threat to the wicked. RASNs (revilers, abusers, sociopaths, narcissists), as you know, are energized by power and control. They demand adoration and service. As I recently heard a forensic psychologist say, the ultimate power and control lust is seen in the serial killer who is demonically excited through the exercise of life or death over his victim.

One way that RASNs maintain their P&C over others is to tear down any credibility their target victim might have with others. The tell lies about the victim. They make the victim appear crazy. They make overt and covert accusations. All of these tactics are designed to make the victim appear unreliable in the eyes of others so that when the victim speaks truth about the RASN, they are going to be disregarded.

Satan hates God’s Word and those who proclaim it. That is why the Bible records all kinds of conspiracies launched by the wicked against God’s servants. Truth is light and it exposes darkness, and that the enemy just cannot have.

They Never Ask about You

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On November 30, 2023

In Abusers, Evil, Narcissist, RASN

1Jn 3:15-17 Everyone who hates his brother is a murderer, and you know that no murderer has eternal life abiding in him. (16) By this we know love, that he laid down his life for us, and we ought to lay down our lives for the brothers. (17) But if anyone has the world’s goods and sees his brother in need, yet closes his heart against him, how does God’s love abide in him?

One of the common (in fact, universal) traits of a RASN (reviler, abuser, sociopath, narcissist) is that they are not interested in YOU as a person. Let me illustrate.

If you meet someone new and begin a conversation with them, and if you are truly a Christian (or even for that matter a “normal” unsaved person), you will begin to express an interest in that person. You might say things like:

  • Where do you live?
  • Where did you grow up?
  • Do you have children?
  • What kind of work do you do?

These are questions which show that you have an interest in the other person. I remember once last year when we had a heavy snow, going to the local store and seeing an older man (ha! I guess I’m an older man now!) – plowing the parking lot with a shiny new-looking John Deere tractor with a front end loader. When I was inside the store he came in and I said “that’s a really nice tractor. It looks brand new.” He smiled and began to talk about the tractor right away and then I asked him if he lived nearby, and so on.

Now, the RASN’s I have known would NEVER have even noticed the man, let alone show an interest in him and initiate a conversation…unless…it was something about the RASN himself. RASN’s have no empathy. They just don’t care about anyone but themselves. They only converse about subjects that benefit them. They don’t care where a person new to them grew up, what kind of work they do….they could care less.

And this evidences that they are not Christians at all. They only love themselves. Many of them will parade themselves as “social introverts,” but in fact the only reason they are introverted is because they don’t love anyone, they don’t care about anyone – unless others can be of use to them in boosting their own idolatrous self.

They never ask about YOU. They just don’t care.

Could Your Abuser be a Christian? No!

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On November 27, 2023

In Biblical Teaching, False Teaching, Narcissist, RASN

1Jn 2:4 Whoever says “I know him” but does not keep his commandments is a liar, and the truth is not in him,

1Jn 2:9 Whoever says he is in the light and hates his brother is still in darkness.

1Jn 3:10 By this it is evident who are the children of God, and who are the children of the devil: whoever does not practice righteousness is not of God, nor is the one who does not love his brother.

I am not sure precisely why so many professing Christians insist that a person who habitually walks in sin could still be a Christian. But I run into such people regularly. I have on occasion had some of them get quite angry with me when I tell them that their abuser is most definitely not a Christian. Once I even had a family member of a sociopath who had murdered his wife/victim tell me that they still believed the murderer could have been a Christian. And yet:

1Jn 3:14-15 We know that we have passed out of death into life, because we love the brothers. Whoever does not love abides in death. (15) Everyone who hates his brother is a murderer, and you know that no murderer has eternal life abiding in him.

The only way that someone can maintain that a RASN (reviler, abuser, sociopath, narcissist) could be born again is by denying and ignoring the mass of Scripture which teaches the exact opposite. And I think another reason for this fantasy thinking is that RASN’s themselves cast a cloud of confusion and deception around themselves which envelops those who know them. In other words, the primary source of this lie that a RASN can still be a Christian….is the RASN himself. Why would anyone even consider that a RASN could be regenerate? Because the RASN himself/herself puts on that disguise.

We have been enveloped in widespread false doctrine perpetuated by naïve and false teaching in the churches. By a false gospel, actually. God loves everyone the same. Jesus died for the sins of everyone. We are all sinners. We must not judge. And on and on the lies go. What is ignored is the Word of God itself. All you need do is read the short epistle of 1 John to disprove it all, let alone all the rest of the New Testament, including much of the Old as well.

One of the biggest and most widespread examples of this false gospel is found in what we call “the Bible belt” region of the United States. Of course the lie is to be found in local churches all over the nation, but I point to the Bible belt “christianity” as a clear example. Churches on every corner. Big buildings. The cultural norm is (perhaps this is decreasing these days) is to be a church member. And yet, how do the majority of these “christians” live? They walk in sin. For all their talk about being born again, they are the same old creatures they have always been. And the preachers love it so. It is a RASN friendly environment.

So, be sure of this. Stop listening to what people say and start listening to what God says. Pick up your Bible for yourself and stop “tweaking” its plain words so that they fit what people have told you it means. I pointed out the black and white statements in 1 John once to a seminary professor I had. He had been teaching that we are Christians even if we do not acknowledge Jesus as Lord and obey Him. So I showed him 1 John. His answer? “Well, you see, John is the more black and white writer of the New Testament whose writings must be balanced with the rest of Scripture.” In other words, this PhD – holding professor in a conservative Bible seminary just brushed off God’s own Word. And by the way, a year or so later that same professor abandoned his wife and children and took off with a woman he was counseling. He jettisoned his profession of Christ and took up a career as a lawyer.

I have found that in local churches, in seminaries, in denominational organizations – this plain, clear teaching of God’s own Word is dismissed and rejected. The mass of professing Christendom energetically defends and teaches that a person can continue to walk in unrepentant sin and still be a child of God in Christ. Why? I suspect the reason lies in the fact that this majority group in the visible church consists of people who are not born again themselves, so they must perpetuate a false gospel which excuses them for the evil, unrepentant lives they themselves are living.

Mat 7:21-23 “Not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but the one who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. (22) On that day many will say to me, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and cast out demons in your name, and do many mighty works in your name?’ (23) And then will I declare to them, ‘I never knew you; depart from me, you workers of lawlessness.’

Nebuchadnezzar’s Image is still with us.

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On November 24, 2023

In Blog News

If you go on over to this post at Light for Dark Times blog, you can read about the RASN’s constant and consuming efforts to build his image and demand that all bow down to it – or else.

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