Unmasking the Domestic Abuser in the Church

They Never Ask about You

1Jn 3:15-17 Everyone who hates his brother is a murderer, and you know that no murderer has eternal life abiding in him. (16) By this we know love, that he laid down his life for us, and we ought to lay down our lives for the brothers. (17) But if anyone has the world’s goods and sees his brother in need, yet closes his heart against him, how does God’s love abide in him?

One of the common (in fact, universal) traits of a RASN (reviler, abuser, sociopath, narcissist) is that they are not interested in YOU as a person. Let me illustrate.

If you meet someone new and begin a conversation with them, and if you are truly a Christian (or even for that matter a “normal” unsaved person), you will begin to express an interest in that person. You might say things like:

  • Where do you live?
  • Where did you grow up?
  • Do you have children?
  • What kind of work do you do?

These are questions which show that you have an interest in the other person. I remember once last year when we had a heavy snow, going to the local store and seeing an older man (ha! I guess I’m an older man now!) – plowing the parking lot with a shiny new-looking John Deere tractor with a front end loader. When I was inside the store he came in and I said “that’s a really nice tractor. It looks brand new.” He smiled and began to talk about the tractor right away and then I asked him if he lived nearby, and so on.

Now, the RASN’s I have known would NEVER have even noticed the man, let alone show an interest in him and initiate a conversation…unless…it was something about the RASN himself. RASN’s have no empathy. They just don’t care about anyone but themselves. They only converse about subjects that benefit them. They don’t care where a person new to them grew up, what kind of work they do….they could care less.

And this evidences that they are not Christians at all. They only love themselves. Many of them will parade themselves as “social introverts,” but in fact the only reason they are introverted is because they don’t love anyone, they don’t care about anyone – unless others can be of use to them in boosting their own idolatrous self.

They never ask about YOU. They just don’t care.


Could Your Abuser be a Christian? No!


RASNs want to make you look bad so no one will listen to you


  1. Molly

    Though sometimes they can because they are looking for info that might benefit them later. However, my former families current “pastor” is definitely one of those who do not care. Of course he will ask you some things but then just stand there nodding along while you spill, thinking that he is genuinely listening to you when in reality he just doesn’t care. It’s all part of his charade to look like a pastor.

  2. That is the absolute truth. They don’t care anything about anyone else, unless a RASN is luring a targeted woman into his snare, then he can turn on the charm. But the moment he believes he has (owns) her, the mask comes off and his true intentions are revealed: it’s all about him, he cares only for himself, and everyone and everything else are there for his purposes and to please him. They’re not interested in anyone else or what other people like or are doing. It’s the ultimate selfishness/self-absorption that is one of the many identifying factors of RASNs.

  3. char

    except for the communal savior complex RASN. They will ask and talk about things and maybe even help….but it won’t be an entering into the person’s life or really taking an interest UNLESS they have something to gain in their reputation or so they can point to it later and say “look at how I love people”.. Much of the time they do things so that others are indebted and will not confront or question them…but they will most certainly not serve others that have seen their dark side..

  4. Z

    Feigning interest in people is part of the mask many RASNs wear in public. As several commenters have already said, they do it to impress and dupe others that they are “good people with a heart and soul”, to collect info on a target always knowing they will use that info at a later time-usually when the target goes No Contact or exposes the fraud RASN, to lovebomb a potential target, to bribe/con people to enlist them in becoming their allies and flying monkeys, to help in smearing and ostracizing the truthteller, to “prove” their victims are liars and in fact THEY are the “innocent victims” of the truthteller and they have “warm personable hearts”! And so many more reasons. But the fact remains they are NOT in the least bit interested in other people like “normal” people genuinely are. EVERYTHING they do serves their own selfis interests. Always looking to cover up, dupe, lie, blameshift, gaslight, crazymake,…their way through life. It’s their reason for existing. Grooming and bribing their way through each day collecting victims or allies. Either way-it’s for gaining power and control over more people. Hollow shells. Hearts of darkness.
    We continue to learn all we can about their tactics and motives so we can RUN in the other direction once those red flags start appearing or when our discernment is raised because our spirit is unsettled by someone’s behavior, speech or their general essence.

  5. Z

    I should add to my comment above that indeed one of the biggest red flags is when a person (RASN) clearly doesn’t show any interest in other people. Sometimes the RASN is SO arrogant about their superiority over others and their grandiosity that they feel they don’t need to wear the mask. They won’t “lower themselves”. Others are to be simply dismissed or ignored.

  6. Dee

    Z, I have never seen a more concise accurate description of a RASN. And always “on the prowl like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour” in order “to kill, steal and destroy.”
    I am going on 5 years of one of these demons that glommed onto me & will not let go, she just gets worse, and overflowing with lies others believe. I long for the day she is exposed by falling into a pit she has dug for others who are so blinded they can’t even see she is exploiting them too. I look forward to heaven
    And the peace of never having to deal with them again.

    • Z

      Thank you, Dee. I’m very sorry you are entangled in the dark abyss of interaction with a RASN such as you described. Lies lies and more lies. Yes, satan’s “worker bees” out to steal, kill and destroy others as you said. Especially God’s true children.
      If there is any way of having as little or no contact with this dangerous destructive person, please try to do so. Maybe enlist the help of a therapist to find ways? Because, believe me, as a helpless, trapped childhood victim of their physical and other abuses then as an adult a target/scapegoat of the whole now ex-family of false “Christians” (many show demonic qualities), and then as the recipient of mass abandonments and betrayals by relatives and friends I’ve known all my life-isolation-this all did REAL DAMAGE over so long a time that I allowed them to stay in my life. I thought I was handling it OK. Very low contact as an adult and when I married. But they still concentrated their evil plans to destroy me even more! To retaliate for my distancing and boundaries more and more. Sociopaths and other RASNs escalate when you tell them “No”. It’s a sure sign they are very unsafe people to have in one’s life. I had to go complete and permanent No Contact after they got violent. And I’m not going to lie. The cost was severely high. They did what they do-lie lie lie. Smeared me to everyone. Everyone chose to willingly be duped by known lies told by known liars, like you alluded to.
      But letting them have access to me for all those decades resulted in chronic physical and mental health issues. The betrayals and loss of everyone I ever knew caused me deep grief. I am still dealing with symptoms of CPTSD. I am so regretful that I tolerated them for far too long because of the way my life has been adversely affected by these monsters.
      I KNEW what they were as a child. I didn’t idolize them like my siblings and the other sycophant cowardly enabler relatives and friends always did to stay on their “good side”. (Evil.) I knew they weren’t “Christians”. But I was trapped then. And as an adult I was mislead by many Christian false teachers I confided in.
      So please protect yourself! Guard your heart. If you can get away, please consider doing so to save yourself the anguish and hard road to recovery from this kind of abuse. The longer they have access to you, the worse the cumulative effects.
      I pray God leads you on the path He would have you take. He loves you and does not want you harmed mentally or in any other way.
      God bless you, Dee! 😇💞

      • Dee

        Thank you, Z. It is everything you described both times, as if I could have written all you said myself (‘though you write more eloquently!) I cannot move (due to reverse mortgage). I went no contact at the beginning. She hunts me like prey with all of her enablers. I thought I was close to God before, but it did not compare to this. Isolation & physical demise has me in near total dependence on Him. His word (& Pastor Crippen’s posts, & my sisters with it) Keep me going. Thank you for sharing. It decreases my burden to know of your caring thoughts. God’s peace and blessings to everyone here, & my prayers are with all of you.

        • Z

          Maybe it will help you feel less alone to know I too live in near isolation and in total dependence on Jesus each day. Though I am blessed to be married to a God-sent man for many years (who also was a victim of the violence of my ex-family of criminal sociopaths). I know many do not have a partner to lean on and their isolation is total. Being forced by evil people’s harm & lies to live life “alone together” is bad enough for my husband & me. It’s abnormal to be cut off from humanity. I truly believe the RSAN’s goal is to cause their targets to be so damaged & cut off from all social interactions that they kill themselves. They work for the ultimate murderer-satan. Soul-murder is what they specialize in with their abuses.
          My physical demise and the isolation from “humankind”, caused by the actual physical damage/violent attack as well as the character assassination all the enablers and cowards did with a massive & vicious smear campaign, have rendered me pretty much a recluse most days. Chronic daily pain and CPTSD are my constant companions. My husband is my only human contact & I thank God for him. I, like you, now live in utter childlike dependence on Jesus like never before. And I’m finding it is enough!
          A few attempts at making new friends didn’t work out well. There were red flags all over the place! When you’ve been so badly burned by a RASN or in my case a lifetime of their abuses & enabling by a whole clan of them, you learn all you can about the many covert signs you think you missed. You then pick up on the warning signs in new people much more quickly. And one’s tolerance for unhealthy relationships is greatly diminished after our forgiveness and tolerance for so long-way too long!-in the past is what caused us such harm. Most times it’s not that we missed the signs. It’s that we were falsely taught to overlook them. Tolerate them. Forgive, forgive, forgive them.
          Getting untangled and free came at such a high mental and physical cost I’d never take a chance of having it happen again. So I do keep to myself much of the time now. I spend much more time with the Lord so that is always good!
          I ask of the Lord that IF HE wills it, to send good, godly, righteous, healthy, safe people into my life. It’s hard to meet people when I am totally disabled by my health conditions so I don’t go out much. If the Lord chooses not to send people, I’m fine with what God has blessed me with. As long as I have Jesus I will be OK.
          Dee, I will pray about your situation asking the Lord to make a way where there seems to be no way. God bless you my sister.

  7. Cordelia

    There’s a person at my place of employ constantly asking/digging into everyone’s person life (questions always framed with concern 🤢 The people this person likes are rewarded with tokens of goodies; for others mean, disrespectful digs are on the menu. It appears to me this horrible person is trying to drive them out of the company by making their daily lives miserable. CEO and managers keep this monster, because the person’s work skill is valuable to the bottom line.

    • Often that is the scenario. The wicked get the promotions. When they do ask questions they are just pretending to care and/or fishing for info to be used to their advantage.


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