Unholy Charade - Jeff Crippen

Unmasking the Domestic Abuser in the Church

Author: Jeff Crippen Page 12 of 89

Do RASNs Grow Worse with Time?

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On May 19, 2024

In Abusers, Evil

Hebrews 3:12-13 Take care, brothers, lest there be in any of you an evil, unbelieving heart, leading you to fall away from the living God. (13) But exhort one another every day, as long as it is called “today,” that none of you may be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin.

Sin, persisted in, grows stronger. You see this for example in children as they grow up. If they are allowed to persist in sin – lying for instance – they may well become habitual liars. And so it is with RASNs (revilers, abusers, sociopaths, narcissists).

If you have known a narcissist for a long period of time – let’s say from the time they were a young adult – you have probably seen this diabolic evolution. Now you can think back and realize that the evil was present in seed form, hard to detect at the time. The symptoms had begun but they were perhaps subtle. But after the passage of some years, that sin is very evident – which means you and others suffer at its hands.

Cain’s jealousy and resentment of Abel began, when? We don’t know precisely but we do know that it came to a point of murder. It grew like a deadly cancer. Finally, Cain’s hatred of Abel’s righteousness (see 1 John 3:12) came to deadly fruition.

Does the wickedness of the domestic abuser, for instance, grow over time or does the abuser simply keep it disguised at first? Probably a bit of both.

James 1:14-15 But each person is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desire. (15) Then desire when it has conceived gives birth to sin, and sin when it is fully grown brings forth death.

One thing is certain, time is not going to heal such wickedness. If anything, the passage of time simply sees it grow stronger.

Why will so few Pastors and church members accept correction?

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On May 13, 2024

In Biblical Teaching, Churches/Church Response

Colossians 3:16 Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God.

One of the chief impediments we face in exposing evil as it hides in local churches is the “haunches up” response by church leaders and members when correcting instruction is offered. Perhaps I have grown too pessimistic over the years, but I really feel little motivation anymore to try to teach church leaders about domestic abusers and other RASN types hiding in their pews. I would gladly offer help if I were ever asked, but I almost cannot remember the last time I was asked.

I came across this great quote recently in a book entitled Infallibility of the Church: A Refutation, by an Irish professor of divinity at Trinity College, Dublin named George Salmon. It is a collection of lectures delivered at the divinity school at the University of Dublin and is a refutation of Roman Catholicism’s claim to be the true, infallible church. He wrote this:

There are many nominal members of our Church (ie, Christian in name only) who adhere to the profession of a creed which was that of their fathers but who, in fact, have little concern for real religious truth. These kind are apt to think that a man’s religion is his own affair, with which other people have no business to concern themselves’ and that whether his belief be true or false does not really much matter.

Such persons are apt to regard any attempt to show that Roman teaching is false as a wanton attack on poor, harmless, Roman Catholics, and as little different from personal abuse of unoffending (ie, harmless) people.

I fear it will be a long time before men are so philosophic as to understand that a man is not your enemy because he tries to correct errors in your opinions, and that the more important the subject the greater the service he will render you if he makes you change your false opinion for a true one.

This is wisdom. It seems to me that this is the very attitude which infects so many professing Christians today. “A person’s religion is their own affair,” and no one else has any business intruding into it. No matter if the person’s beliefs are true or false. They are his or her business alone. Such thinking turns the body of Christ into a bag of marbles which never mix together. Each man is his own island, no matter that the New Testament tells us that we are the body of Christ and individually members of it.

This kind of individualistic mindset necessarily erects barriers against intruders into the private property of each person. So when we try to instruct those who are ignorant, attempting to correct their errors, our efforts are not seen as a kindness but as an attack to be repulsed. We are seen as trespassers and are told to get out, or else.

No matter then if someone holds to or even teaches dangerous, naive notions about evil and evildoers – it is none of our business to concern ourselves with. Such people simply do not want to understand that someone who tries to correct their false ideas is not therefore their enemy but is in fact attempting to do them good.

What did the Beggar Lazarus Look Like then?

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On May 8, 2024

In heaven,

“There was a rich man who was clothed in purple and fine linen and who feasted sumptuously every day. And at his gate was laid a poor man named Lazarus, covered with sores, who desired to be fed with what fell from the rich man’s table. Moreover, even the dogs came and licked his sores. The poor man died and was carried by the angels to Abraham’s side. The rich man also died and was buried, and in Hades, being in torment, he lifted up his eyes and saw Abraham far off and Lazarus at his side. (Luke 16:19-23)

The poor man. The beggar. Lazarus – covered with sores, starving, licked by dogs. The scum of the earth, revolting to and detested by the rich man and most all of the world. But what does Lazarus look like now?

If you are a Christian, and by that I mean, a real Christian, a new creation born again by faith in Christ, what are you in this world? How do you appear to the world? The Apostle Paul tells us how he look in the eyes of those who were wise in this present age:

For I think that God has exhibited us apostles as last of all, like men sentenced to death, because we have become a spectacle to the world, to angels, and to men. We are fools for Christ’s sake, but you are wise in Christ. We are weak, but you are strong. You are held in honor, but we in disrepute. To the present hour we hunger and thirst, we are poorly dressed and buffeted and homeless, and we labor, working with our own hands. When reviled, we bless; when persecuted, we endure; when slandered, we entreat. We have become, and are still, like the scum of the world, the refuse of all things. (1Corinthians 4:9-13)

How do YOU regard yourself? Have you perhaps at least in part bought into the world’s notion of you? That you are Lazarus? Disgusting. Detestable. A fool. The scum of the world, the garbage of all things? Your RASN will certainly tell you so. There he or she is – clothed with the best wardrobe, popular, envied – and then there is you.

The lies of the wicked are just that – lies. But we easily tend to believe them and can begin to think about ourselves as the enemy tells us we are. After all, so often Christ’s people really are in appearance and status like poor Lazarus, the scum of the world.

But….

Is this how the Lord sees us? Of course not. He sees us as we really are – as He has created us. As His beautiful bride, as His holy ones, as His beloved children. And such we really are!

But there is more.

How did Lazarus look on that day when the rich man lifted up his eyes in hell and saw Lazarus there across that uncrossable divide in the presence of Abraham? How did Lazarus look? The sores were gone. The protruding bones were no longer. His rags were replaced with the finest garments of righteousness. Lazarus was, in other words, glorious. He shone.

Do you realize, Christian, that one day when you depart this world and enter into the presence of Christ and the holy angels and the spirits of righteous men made perfect, that you will be glorious? That all heaven will marvel at YOU because of what God in Christ has made you? You will be on stage, you might say, and the innumerable hosts of heaven will be applauding for YOU and yet giving all glory to Christ for fashioning you into the glorious, sinless, beautiful creation.

The wicked regard you as a fool, as scum, as refuse (a nice word for “garbage”) if you truly belong to Christ. Was this not how Jesus Himself was regarded? Of course. We His servants are not better than our Master. If they hate Him, they will hate us. But Satan’s accusations of us are lies – all lies. And on that Day, for all who run the race in faith, persevering to the end, their entrance into Christ’s presence will be the focus of all of heaven. You will be on stage, and you will win the prize. Just like Lazarus.

Amazing Insight of John Bunyan into the Evil Mind of the RASN

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On May 6, 2024

In Abusers, Evil

Most of you know John Bunyan as the author of Pilgrim’s Progress. But he wrote other books as well and one of those is entitled “The Life and Death of Mr. Badman.” It is an account of an evil man’s pilgrimage – to hell. The following is an excerpt from that book in which Bunyan explores and exposes the incredibly wicked tactics of Mr. Badman in deceiving a young Christian woman whose money he was after. Here is how this particular chapter begins:

“The thing was this. He wanted a wife − or rather, money. Because, as for a woman, he could have prostitutes enough. All he had to do was whistle, and they’d come to do his bidding. But, as I said, he wanted money and decided he must get it through a wife or no way at all. He couldn’t easily get a wife either, unless he became an artist at misleading. And he couldn’t successfully mislead among people who could put on an act as well as he could.”

“But a young woman lived near him who was both godly and had a good portion of money, but how to get her – this would take all his cunning. He called a council made up of some of his most trusty, sly companions, and shared his thoughts with them, namely, that he had decided to marry − and he also told them to whom. “But,” he said, “how will I accomplish my goal? She’s religious, and I’m not.” One of his companions replied, “Since she’s religious, you must pretend to be the same, and you must do this for some time before you approach her.

“Watch where she goes each day to hear the Word taught and go there too. But when you do, be sure to behave like you are serious as if you like the Word and think it wonderful. Make sure to stand where she can see you, and when you walk home, be sure you walk the street like one with a clear head and go within sight of her. Once you’ve done this for a while, then go to her.

“First talk about how sorry you are for your past sins, and show great love for the religion she is part of, and speak well about her preachers. Then mention how happy you are to make her godly acquaintance, and express sorrow that your difficult circumstances prevented you from meeting with her and the believers she meets with sooner. This is the way to get her. “

“Also, you must write down sermons, talk about Scripture, and deny that you came to woo her, but that you are only drawn to her because she is godly, and that you would consider it your greatest happiness if you might have such a relationship in the future. As for her money, disregard it. Act as if it is the furthest thing from your mind. This is the way to gain quickest access to it, because in the beginning she will be protective of it and will think you are only after her money. So make no mention of it. Do this and see if you don’t catch the young woman.” And so, in this manner, the snare was laid for this poor honest maiden, and she was quickly caught in his pit.

Bunyan, John. The Life and Death of Mr. Badman (Updated, Illustrated): An Analysis of a Wicked Man’s Life, as a Warning for Others (Bunyan Updated Classics Book 4) (pp. 73-74). Aneko Press. Kindle Edition.

RASNs Dig up the Past (and twist it)

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On May 4, 2024

In Abusers, Evil

“Their throat is an open grave; they use their tongues to deceive.” “The venom of asps is under their lips.” “Their mouth is full of curses and bitterness.” (Rom 3:13-14)

Narcissistic abusers and their kind (RASNs) dig up the past. And they will do so entirely out of context. By that I mean that the subject they bring up is not even on the table in the current discussion. It’s this kind of thing, a kind of historical gaslighting:

I remember when you just left me behind that time.

Well, you remember that time when you didn’t keep your promise?

I remember when you treated that person so badly.

Historical gaslighting. It’s historical because they are digging something up out of the past. And it is gaslighting because it distorts the truth and makes you the culprit to be blamed. All of it of course is designed to accuse you and make you guilty in the eyes of others who happen to be present.

“You know, Jeff, I just cannot forget how you let us down that time three years ago.” Those were actual words spoken in front of others immediately after a church service. No one was talking about anything that happened three years ago and the conversation was edifying and kind. But the woman who fired this dart was (I didn’t realize it at the time) a classic narcissist who expended great energy on being the focus of the universe. Narcissists take just about anything you say or do, personally. They take it as an affront when your intention was nothing like that at all. So this woman continued to hold a grudge against me and work to punish me because I had decided not to do something three years earlier that she was demanding. By the time she ran the read event through her narcissistic blame machine, it turned out to be a selfish, mean, thoughtless act on my part.

This lady, by the way, enjoyed the adulation of a large part of the community. She was, in the eyes of most, a real Christian saint, a servant of the Lord who devoted her energies to the church and leading people to Christ. In fact and in reality she was an incredibly mean and vindictive person out to get glory for herself.

I am sure most of you can identify with these kinds of things. This is what makes a healthy relationship with RASNs impossible. And it is why you cannot fix a RASN. I have tried. All that will happen is that these kind just throw it all back at you. It’s all your fault. You are the one who sinned. You are the one to be blamed. Any sin or evil that you bring up to confront them is not admitted in their courtroom. All that matters is that you are on trial. You are guilty. As for them, they have a standing get out of jail free card that washes away any wrongdoing on their part.

Dr. Phil is Right on – This is a must listen

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On May 2, 2024

In Abusers, Evil, Narcissist

I don’t follow Dr. Phil, but I came across this talk he gave on the narcissistic personality. I listened to it and before I finished I knew I needed to share it. We watched it last Sunday in the morning class and I sent the link to our people who follow online. I received numbers of responses – all positive – some saying “this needs to be shown in every church.” This is the first of an 8 part series on this subject and other personality disorders. If you want some real help wising up to what makes our RASN’s tick, watch this video and his subsequent ones. I NEVER learned these things in seminary and yet for the past 40 years of pastoral ministry I have almost constantly been attacked by these kind. If we don’t know they exist and what they are, we will never understand what is really happening. Also, the Scriptures which address these evil ones will begin to really come alive for you when you learn about them.

Narcissistic Personalities – Toxic Personalities in the Real World

The Abuser is Malignantly Jealous of Your Successes

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On April 27, 2024

In Evil, jealousy, jealousy

Pro 27:4 Wrath is cruel, anger is overwhelming, but who can stand before jealousy?

The sin of jealousy is, as the verse above says, particularly destructive. Now, God Himself, we know, is a jealous God. That is, He is jealous for His own glory – idolatry moves Him to a holy jealousy. But man’s jealousy for self-glory is evil. The RASN (reviler, abuser, sociopath, narcissist) is characterized by jealousy – a malignant, evil, destroying jealousy. Let me explain.

Because the RASN has a mentality of superiority and entitlement, a lust to be the center of the universe and a demand that everyone supply his ego, the successes of others moves him or her to intense envy. This is why so many domestic abuse victims will tell how their abuser sought to sabotage the victim’s successes. A job promotion for the victim provokes the RASN to jealousy for instance. The RASN will harass the victim at work in various ways to tear down her ability to succeed there. Friendships feed his jealousy. The love of children for the victim feed the abuser’s jealousy.

This evil jealousy produces within the RASN feelings and attitudes of contempt for the victim. I have seen it in their eyes and most of you have as well. You are succeeding and the RASN hates you for it. A normal person would be glad for you, but not the RASN. You are stealing his place in the limelight, as he sees it. So he despises you with his words, with his behaviors, with his nuances.

This jealousy things is wicked, wicked, wicked. It really is what motivated Satan when he fell from his original position in heaven:

Isa 14:13-14 You said in your heart, ‘I will ascend to heaven; above the stars of God I will set my throne on high; I will sit on the mount of assembly in the far reaches of the north; (14) I will ascend above the heights of the clouds; I will make myself like the Most High.’

Jealousy and envy are a horrible, wicked, dark and devilish sin, the prognosis for which is a virtual certain negative outcome. Trying to “fix” a RASN and hoping they will one day see their sin and repent is a flight of fancy. Your very efforts to “fix” them will only be further fuel for their contempt.

Vengeance is an Ugly Thing – Unless the Lord is Wielding it

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On April 26, 2024

In Evil, forgiveness

Rom 12:19 Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.”

There is a reason that we are prohibited as individuals from taking revenge on someone. We are not to do so even in regard to our enemies. Why? Because human beings are not qualified to dish out revenge. We do not send people to hell – only the Lord does. Inevitably anyone who tries to bear the sword of revenge will be consumed by it himself.

We know people who have been grievously wronged by very evil people. Many of you have. But whenever I see a lust for vengeance in, for example, an abuse victim, I know they are going down a dangerous and sinful path. A lust for revenge is consuming. In the very next verses Paul says:

Rom 12:20-21 To the contrary, “if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by so doing you will heap burning coals on his head.” (21) Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

Don’t be overcome by evil. And that is where the road to vengeance takes us. No wonder the Lord tells us to leave vengeance to Him. He promises to pour out His wrath upon the wicked. And He will do so in perfect justice.

Another thing happens when a person craves revenge and takes steps to get it for himself. They become a toxic person themselves. I know this by hard experience. People who are characterized with a craving for revenge will ultimately turn on others as well. The quest for vengeance increasingly consumes them. It drives them and they become characterized by it.

We do not have to become our enemy’s best buddy. We aren’t required to just “let bygones be bygones.” To do so would be unwise when it comes to someone who is an enemy and desires to destroy us. But if we find an enemy laying in a ditch beside his/her wrecked car, we do not look and say “good! You got what you deserve,” and then drive on. No. We stop, we render aid and thereby divine coals of judgment are heaped upon them. Sometimes even repentance might result.

If you are a victim/survivor of domestic abuse or some other heinous evil, take care. Do not be consumed by a lust for revenge. Otherwise you may just become an abuser yourself.

We Grow Accustomed to the Abnormal and Think it is Normal

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On April 24, 2024

In Abusers, Evil

Gal 4:8 Formerly, when you did not know God, you were enslaved to those that by nature are not gods.

When we were still dead in our sins, when we did not know God, we were enslaved. We were blind to our condition. Satan had us in bondage leading us to and fro. And we thought our lives were normal. Perhaps we wished for better circumstances, but in the wisdom of the world we thought things were going normally.

But then, when Christ in His mercy laid hold of us, sent His Spirit to us to enlighten our minds and reveal Himself to us, the light came on and we realized we had been living in darkness. In abnormality. This life we were in before was not the life God created us for.

But we still fight a battle with the world, the flesh, and the devil. And in this battle we can often slide into thinking that what is happening to us at the hands of other people is normal. Let me explain.

I grew up in a family which professed to be Christian. We went to church pretty regularly. I made a profession of faith in Christ when I was about 8 years old. I thought that my family life was normal. It was what I knew. It was what my parents modeled to me. I mean, who wants to admit that their home and family are not normal at all?

But in God’s sight, my family of origin was abnormal. Things were not functioning as they were meant to function. I never saw my father pray or read his Bible. My parents never talked to me or my sisters about the Lord. There was a sense of shame regarding spiritual things. Talk all you want about plans for college, or hunting and fishing. But I knew not to speak of the really important matters of life. I was taught to be ashamed. How long does it take after the Lord shows us these things to get over and beyond the damage done? In ways, a lifetime.

When people spend years in an abusive relationship – be it marriage, parents, siblings, or other toxic people – the thing becomes like that old song – I’ve grown accustomed to your face….”. Toxic relationships are anything but normal, if we define normal as relationships in tune with God’s purpose and truth for us. There is a blindness to the thing.

For instance, I have actually defended narcissists who I believed to be my friends. I saw flaws and even sins in them, but I wrote them off as imperfections to be patiently borne with and forgiven. When others would point out narcissistic behaviors in these people, my tendency was to respond with, “oh yes, I know. That wasn’t right. But….”.

However, the point came when the Lord opened my eyes to the abnormal, to the evil, so that I started to see the thing for what it was and I realized that I had been in a very toxic relationship, used and abused by people who never loved me (or anyone) at all. Our tendency especially as Christians, is to believe the best and to forgive. But when it comes to evil, to unrepentant wickedness, to this RASN thing (revilers, abusers, sociopaths, narcissists), believing the best is to believe a lie.

I bet that most of you, like myself, have often beat yourself up a bit once you saw the RASN for what he/she is. “How could I have been so stupid?!” “Why in the world did I let him get away with that?” The answer is because sin and evil are incredibly deceptive, they wear a disguise, and we are not born into this life with a full deck when it comes to discerning wickedness. But in Christ we grow. The Holy Spirit works in us to enable us to discern the normal from the abnormal. Righteousness is normal in the sense that it is God’s will for us, even though the norm in a fallen world is wickedness.

It is not an easy thing for us to understand and admit that someone we believed loved us – never did. That, for instance, my father’s failure to instruct me in Godliness shows that he was an utter failure as a father when it came to the truly important things in life. That my family of origin was unhealthy in so many ways (and that I contributed to that unhealthiness too!).

One time, a few years before he died, I was visiting my parents and I told my father, “You know, dad, I was really very selfish when I was a teenager and I was not thankful to you for providing for me. But I want you to know that I am thankful and that I have changed.” His response was an uncomfortable, sheepish – “Oh well, I have changed too. Say, how do you like your new boat?” Cue to move on and stick to more comfortable (ie, shallow) subjects.

So I grew up in an extremely abnormal home where I was taught to be ashamed of Christ. Where discussion of deeper subjects was squelched. I thought it was normal.

When you were in bondage to your abuser, you probably did not realize just how terribly abnormal your life was. How terribly abnormal the things your abuser did were. And this blindness is a big part of the power the abuser holds over his victim.

The Abuser is an Immature, Selfish Child

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On April 22, 2024

In Abusers

One of the first words a child learns is….”mine!” That we are all born into this world in a fallen, sinful condition is evident. You do not need to teach your children to sin – they know how by nature. Mine!! And the battle is on if he doesn’t get what he demands. Our Labrador Mocha is like that. There can be dog toys laying all over the floor and she pays them no notice until our other dog Cinder picks one up. Mine!!

Abusers are selfish children. They have never grown up emotionally, mentally, or spiritually. They will have their way…or else! In their own way they throw tantrums and punish people when they don’t yield to them. In fact I know children and Labradors who are more mature!

So what happened to them? Sometime, somewhere, in someplace, abusers locked into immaturity. They chose to remain perpetual 3 year olds, only as they grew physically and more sophisticated in evil and obtained more resources, the harm they do became much greater than a 3 year old could pull off. They are selfish, they demand their own way, they lash out at others, they lie, and they punish anyone who dare tell them the truth about themselves.

Abusers can be very intelligent people with high IQ’s. They can excel in their field of study or career. But they remain selfish, mean, children who have “give me what is mine, or else” plastered on their person.

Will they ever grow up? Nope. It won’t happen and if you think you can fix them you will only have hard and painful lessons ahead of you.

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