Unholy Charade - Jeff Crippen

Unmasking the Domestic Abuser in the Church

Author: Jeff Crippen Page 12 of 88

We Grow Accustomed to the Abnormal and Think it is Normal

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On April 24, 2024

In Abusers, Evil

Gal 4:8 Formerly, when you did not know God, you were enslaved to those that by nature are not gods.

When we were still dead in our sins, when we did not know God, we were enslaved. We were blind to our condition. Satan had us in bondage leading us to and fro. And we thought our lives were normal. Perhaps we wished for better circumstances, but in the wisdom of the world we thought things were going normally.

But then, when Christ in His mercy laid hold of us, sent His Spirit to us to enlighten our minds and reveal Himself to us, the light came on and we realized we had been living in darkness. In abnormality. This life we were in before was not the life God created us for.

But we still fight a battle with the world, the flesh, and the devil. And in this battle we can often slide into thinking that what is happening to us at the hands of other people is normal. Let me explain.

I grew up in a family which professed to be Christian. We went to church pretty regularly. I made a profession of faith in Christ when I was about 8 years old. I thought that my family life was normal. It was what I knew. It was what my parents modeled to me. I mean, who wants to admit that their home and family are not normal at all?

But in God’s sight, my family of origin was abnormal. Things were not functioning as they were meant to function. I never saw my father pray or read his Bible. My parents never talked to me or my sisters about the Lord. There was a sense of shame regarding spiritual things. Talk all you want about plans for college, or hunting and fishing. But I knew not to speak of the really important matters of life. I was taught to be ashamed. How long does it take after the Lord shows us these things to get over and beyond the damage done? In ways, a lifetime.

When people spend years in an abusive relationship – be it marriage, parents, siblings, or other toxic people – the thing becomes like that old song – I’ve grown accustomed to your face….”. Toxic relationships are anything but normal, if we define normal as relationships in tune with God’s purpose and truth for us. There is a blindness to the thing.

For instance, I have actually defended narcissists who I believed to be my friends. I saw flaws and even sins in them, but I wrote them off as imperfections to be patiently borne with and forgiven. When others would point out narcissistic behaviors in these people, my tendency was to respond with, “oh yes, I know. That wasn’t right. But….”.

However, the point came when the Lord opened my eyes to the abnormal, to the evil, so that I started to see the thing for what it was and I realized that I had been in a very toxic relationship, used and abused by people who never loved me (or anyone) at all. Our tendency especially as Christians, is to believe the best and to forgive. But when it comes to evil, to unrepentant wickedness, to this RASN thing (revilers, abusers, sociopaths, narcissists), believing the best is to believe a lie.

I bet that most of you, like myself, have often beat yourself up a bit once you saw the RASN for what he/she is. “How could I have been so stupid?!” “Why in the world did I let him get away with that?” The answer is because sin and evil are incredibly deceptive, they wear a disguise, and we are not born into this life with a full deck when it comes to discerning wickedness. But in Christ we grow. The Holy Spirit works in us to enable us to discern the normal from the abnormal. Righteousness is normal in the sense that it is God’s will for us, even though the norm in a fallen world is wickedness.

It is not an easy thing for us to understand and admit that someone we believed loved us – never did. That, for instance, my father’s failure to instruct me in Godliness shows that he was an utter failure as a father when it came to the truly important things in life. That my family of origin was unhealthy in so many ways (and that I contributed to that unhealthiness too!).

One time, a few years before he died, I was visiting my parents and I told my father, “You know, dad, I was really very selfish when I was a teenager and I was not thankful to you for providing for me. But I want you to know that I am thankful and that I have changed.” His response was an uncomfortable, sheepish – “Oh well, I have changed too. Say, how do you like your new boat?” Cue to move on and stick to more comfortable (ie, shallow) subjects.

So I grew up in an extremely abnormal home where I was taught to be ashamed of Christ. Where discussion of deeper subjects was squelched. I thought it was normal.

When you were in bondage to your abuser, you probably did not realize just how terribly abnormal your life was. How terribly abnormal the things your abuser did were. And this blindness is a big part of the power the abuser holds over his victim.

The Abuser is an Immature, Selfish Child

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On April 22, 2024

In Abusers

One of the first words a child learns is….”mine!” That we are all born into this world in a fallen, sinful condition is evident. You do not need to teach your children to sin – they know how by nature. Mine!! And the battle is on if he doesn’t get what he demands. Our Labrador Mocha is like that. There can be dog toys laying all over the floor and she pays them no notice until our other dog Cinder picks one up. Mine!!

Abusers are selfish children. They have never grown up emotionally, mentally, or spiritually. They will have their way…or else! In their own way they throw tantrums and punish people when they don’t yield to them. In fact I know children and Labradors who are more mature!

So what happened to them? Sometime, somewhere, in someplace, abusers locked into immaturity. They chose to remain perpetual 3 year olds, only as they grew physically and more sophisticated in evil and obtained more resources, the harm they do became much greater than a 3 year old could pull off. They are selfish, they demand their own way, they lash out at others, they lie, and they punish anyone who dare tell them the truth about themselves.

Abusers can be very intelligent people with high IQ’s. They can excel in their field of study or career. But they remain selfish, mean, children who have “give me what is mine, or else” plastered on their person.

Will they ever grow up? Nope. It won’t happen and if you think you can fix them you will only have hard and painful lessons ahead of you.

The “Right Now” in the Moment Thinking of the Abuser

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On April 17, 2024

In Abusers

I recently heard Dr. Les Carter (find him on Youtube) mention this “right now” mentality of the narcissist and I wanted to call it to your attention. This is a very, very typical characteristic of the RASN (reviler, abuser, sociopath, narcissist) and it is one reason the Bible calls wicked people, fools.

RASNs do not think about the consequences of their abuse. They don’t look ahead. They only operate in the moment, and specifically in the moment when they engage their abusive, evil tactics. Largely this is because they want immediate satisfaction against their target. They want things like revenge. Vengeance is mine, says the RASN. And I will have it now.

But wait, Mr. RASN, did you ever take even a moment to consider the consequences of your actions? The answer is, “no.” He doesn’t. He doesn’t consider the harm his actions might do, or the longer-term effects. He doesn’t even consider the negative effects that will come about on himself! All he knows is that he has been “wronged,” and he is going to punish. He never mulls over even for a second wisdom like this:

So also the tongue is a small part of the body, and yet it boasts of great things. See how great a forest is set aflame by such a small fire! (James 3:5)

And so he destroys his marriage, he destroys his wife, he destroys and alienates his children, he harms himself economically, and he adds to the fires reserved for him on the Day of Judgment. But he gets his revenge, and that is all he cares about.

God Hands the Abuser Over to Evil – And it is Right to Escape

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On April 15, 2024

In Abusers, Getting Free

Saul looked at David with suspicion from that day on. Now it came about on the next day that an evil spirit from God came mightily upon Saul, and he raved in the midst of the house, while David was playing the harp with his hand, as usual; and a spear was in Saul’s hand. Saul hurled the spear for he thought, “I will pin David to the wall.” But David escaped from his presence twice. Now Saul was afraid of David, for the LORD was with him but had departed from Saul. Therefore Saul removed him from his presence and appointed him as his commander of a thousand; and he went out and came in before the people. David was prospering in all his ways for the LORD was with him. When Saul saw that he was prospering greatly, he dreaded him. (1Sa 18:9-15)

My thanks to a friend who called this Scripture to my attention. King Saul is a clear picture of a RASN, of an abuser lusting for power and control, and there are important and encouraging lessons to be had here.

Saul, first of all, was jealous of David’s successes. So much so that his entire attitude toward David was one of suspicion. Suspicion of what? That David was working to take Saul’s throne. I think that Saul knew full well that David was the Lord’s anointed, that the Lord was with David and was not with him (Saul).

Domestic abusers regard their targeted victim with suspicion. Why? Because they see their spouse as a threat. I think that domestic abusers actually fear their victim. Why else would they expend so much energy and resources to keep them under control? “Now Saul was afraid of David, for the LORD was with him but had departed from Saul.”

Now, notice carefully that the time came when the Lord handed Saul over to evil. An evil spirit from God came mightily upon Saul. This is a very curious statement but it shows us that even Satan and his evil minions are under the Lord’s sovereignty. He uses even demons for His purposes.

Why did the Lord do this? It was a judgment upon Saul for his sin. The Lord hands the wicked over to evil when they refuse to repent. And in this case Saul “raved in the midst of the house.” His hatred for David was ignited into a flame of fury and he threw a spear at David in an attempt to kill him. How is this to be explained? Simply that Saul had been handed over to evil by the Lord. He chose the devil and to the devil he was given.

I believe that this very same thing happens in regard to the domestic abuser (and all other RASNs). The point comes when these self-hardened evildoers are given over to the power of their sin. Given to their father the devil so that they rage against all righteousness, especially the righteousness of their target of abuse. There is no return from this bondage. Abusers never change.

Notice very, very carefully what David did. He escaped from Saul’s presence. And he would continue to flee from him. He did not just remain there and “take it.” He fled. And the Lord protected him. The Lord approved of David escaping.

Wouldn’t you say that right here in these verses alone we have all the proof we need that the Lord authorizes victims of domestic abuse to escape? And wouldn’t you say that right here in these verses alone we are given insight into why the abuser hates and fears his victim, and why he so diligently and constantly seeks to control and even destroy them?

I can hear it now – “But marriage is different. This just concerns David and Saul, not husband and wife.”

Answer not a fool according to his folly.

King Saul – a Classic Toxic Person

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On April 13, 2024

In Abusers, Evil, Narcissist, RASN

As they were coming home, when David returned from striking down the Philistine, the women came out of all the cities of Israel, singing and dancing, to meet King Saul, with tambourines, with songs of joy, and with musical instruments. And the women sang to one another as they celebrated, “Saul has struck down his thousands, and David his ten thousands.” And Saul was very angry, and this saying displeased him. He said, “They have ascribed to David ten thousands, and to me they have ascribed thousands, and what more can he have but the kingdom?” And Saul eyed David from that day on.
(1Sa 18:6-9)

Wicked people, RASNs (revilers, abusers, sociopaths, narcissists) are all about themselves. The world revolves around them. They have an astonishing mindset of superiority and entitlement. Make one of them a king, like Saul, and you have a powerful formula for evil.

David had accomplished a great victory for Israel. Goliath was dead and the murderous enemy was defeated. The whole nation was rejoicing – except Saul. And Saul eyed David from that day on.

If you have had the unpleasant experience of a relationship with a RASN, then it is quite probably that you have seen this very thing. One day it seemed that all was well, then next moment as if a switch had been thrown, you realized that things had changed, and not for the better. Why? How can this be explained?

RASNs are extremely jealous people. It makes them fools. Saul should have been celebrating David’s victory as a victory for Israel and for Saul as well. After all, Saul was king and his loyal servant had routed his enemies. But Saul, consumed with jealousy, seethed in his anger that the spotlight was now upon David rather than himself. In addition, Saul must have sensed that the Lord was with David in a way that His blessing was not upon Saul.

And this is how it works with the RASN. When, for example, the wife of a domestic abuser, enjoys some success in her work or at her church or in the eyes of her family, the fires of jealousy begin to rage. And Saul eyed David from that day on. The evil eye watching, bent on destroying his target’s success. No matter that the success of the abuser’s wife is actually a success for and a blessing upon him. Nope. Competition for glory will not be tolerated and he sets out to sabotage. Many abuse victims will tell us how their abuser worked to cause them trouble at work or to destroy relationships.

Abusers are fools. They saw off the branch they themselves are sitting upon.

[There will be a part 2 to this post next week discussing how the Lord sent an evil spirit upon Saul so that his ravings against David increased. IMO this same dynamic very often is at work in domestic abusers and other RASNs we deal with]

Does Time Heal all Wrongs?

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On April 8, 2024

In Abusers, forgiveness

That happened a long time ago. You can’t keep holding it against me.

Have you ever heard that line? It actually is pretty commonly used by RASNs (revilers, abusers, sociopaths, narcissists). Especially if they claim to be Christians. They will throw in a twisted Bible verse or two to back up their claim.

When it comes to sin, time does not heal all wrongs. God Himself does not just “forget about it.”

But they do not consider that I remember all their evil. Now their deeds surround them; they are before my face.
(Hos 7:2)

RASNs so often make this claim – that because so many years have gone by, we have no right to remember their sin. But in the very act of making such a claim, they betray that they have not changed, have not repented, and have no intention of repenting. Sin unconfessed, unrepented of, does not just dissolve with time. It is still there on the books, as if it were committed afresh every single day.

Divide and Conquer – a Tactic of Evil

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On April 4, 2024

In Abusers, Evil, Narcissist, RASN

Therefore I, the prisoner of the Lord, implore you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling with which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, showing tolerance for one another in love, being diligent to preserve the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.
(Eph 4:1-3)

As many of you know from hard experience, RASNs (revilers, abusers, sociopaths, narcissists) and other evil people, sow seeds of discord as a tactic to maintain power and control. That is always what everything they do is about – PC (Power and Control). They divide so that they can conquer.

You have seen it in your families. Domestic abusers work to pit children against parent, extended family against their target victim, friends against friends. There is an account of a famous English Admiral (can’t recall his name) who saw two of his officers arguing heatedly on deck during England’s war with the French. The admiral grabbed them both by the collar, spun them around toward the sea where a French warship was approaching, and said “Gentlemen, THERE is the enemy!” We cannot fight effectively if we are fighting with one another.

Evil people of every category are divisive people:

Now I urge you, brethren, keep your eye on those who cause dissensions and hindrances contrary to the teaching which you learned, and turn away from them. For such men are slaves, not of our Lord Christ but of their own appetites; and by their smooth and flattering speech they deceive the hearts of the unsuspecting.
(Rom 16:17-18)

Abusers turn children and grandchildren against parent and grandparent. They sow division between their target victim and her friends. Why? In part just to punish. but primarily to gain allies for the abuser himself. This adds to his power. The Apostle Paul warns us of this and tells us to carefully watch anyone who causes dissensions and to turn away from them, refusing to listen to their “smooth and flattering speech” which they use to gain us as their ally in wickedness.

Allies of evil. Now there is another related topic. How the RASN works to gain allies for his evil cause. Suddenly an abuse victim’s friends at church grow distant and cool. Relatives and friends pressure the victim to work harder in the marriage. Abuse victims have often even lost their jobs due to the abuser’s craftiness in influencing their employer. Children and grandchildren are brainwashed and lied to, distancing them from their mother. The thing is absolutely and sadly typical.

There IS a division which is of the Holy Spirit. Paul says it in his words quoted above. We are to divide, to separate from – evil. From people who cause wicked division. Turn away from THEM. Far too often we see local churches turning away from the wrong person while the divider remains among them.

A New Post at ‘Light for Dark Times – Lessons from the Hypocrite Mr. Pecksniff

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On March 29, 2024

In Evil

Here is a link to my article at Light for Dark Times entitled “Oh, How Forgiving the Hypocrite is – A Picture from Mr. Pecksniff.” Pecksniff is a character in Charles Dickens’ great novel – Martin Chuzzelwit. Pecksniff’s name is synonymous with “hypocrite.” One of Pecksniff’s tactics is to pronounce his “forgiveness,” insisting that not he, but YOU are the guilty party. Yet, so saintly and pious is Pecksniff and his kind that in spite of the terrible wrongs YOU have inflicted upon him, he forgives you.

Abusers are Users

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On March 26, 2024

In Abusers, Narcissist, RASN

Rom 16:18 For such persons do not serve our Lord Christ, but their own appetites, and by smooth talk and flattery they deceive the hearts of the naive.

Why would someone use “smooth talk and flattery” on you? Deceiving words? Why? Paul warns us that it is because they are out to feed their own wicked appetites (lusts). In other words, they just want to use you to feed themselves. Abusers are users. RASNS are users.

Now, when one of these kind is using the one they have flattered and deceived, all seems to be well UNTIL their target is no longer any use to them. You can’t use a useless thing. And a used person becomes useless to the user when, for a number of possible reasons, they are no longer useful for feeding the RASN’s evil ego.

One reason might be that the one being used has started to realize what is going on. Or, another, that the person being used has undergone some type of change – economic, social standing, etc – which renders them of no value in the user’s eyes. As, for instance, a Christian grows in Christ and becomes increasingly hated by the world, they certainly are not going to be someone whose relationship adds to the world’s esteem of the user. That is why these kinds of relationships often end in a split second. The one used didn’t even see it coming. But you can be sure that the user did. Done. Over. Get lost.

You see this in the Lord Jesus’ experience:

Joh 6:65-66 And he said, “This is why I told you that no one can come to me unless it is granted him by the Father.” (66) After this many of his disciples turned back and no longer walked with him.

Abusers are users (and losers!). Revilers, abusers, narcissists, sociopaths – they all use people. There is no love in them. There is never any real friendship. So don’t be surprised when these kind toss you away like a worn out sock. Just keep right on following Christ and be glad you are no longer deceived by a deceiver.

A Wonderful Psalm of Promise

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On March 20, 2024

In Biblical Teaching

This Psalm (121) is short, but it contains some of the most encouraging and powerful promises to be found in Scripture for Christ’s people. Here it is:

A Song of Ascents. I lift up my eyes to the hills. From where does my help come? My help comes from the LORD, who made heaven and earth.

He will not let your foot be moved; he who keeps you will not slumber. Behold, he who keeps Israel will neither slumber nor sleep.

The LORD is your keeper; the LORD is your shade on your right hand. The sun shall not strike you by day, nor the moon by night.

The LORD will keep you from all evil; he will keep your life. The LORD will keep your going out and your coming in from this time forth and forevermore.
(Psa 121:1-8)

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