Unholy Charade - Jeff Crippen

Unmasking the Domestic Abuser in the Church

Author: Jeff Crippen Page 12 of 88

King Saul – a Classic Toxic Person

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On April 13, 2024

In Abusers, Evil, Narcissist, RASN

As they were coming home, when David returned from striking down the Philistine, the women came out of all the cities of Israel, singing and dancing, to meet King Saul, with tambourines, with songs of joy, and with musical instruments. And the women sang to one another as they celebrated, “Saul has struck down his thousands, and David his ten thousands.” And Saul was very angry, and this saying displeased him. He said, “They have ascribed to David ten thousands, and to me they have ascribed thousands, and what more can he have but the kingdom?” And Saul eyed David from that day on.
(1Sa 18:6-9)

Wicked people, RASNs (revilers, abusers, sociopaths, narcissists) are all about themselves. The world revolves around them. They have an astonishing mindset of superiority and entitlement. Make one of them a king, like Saul, and you have a powerful formula for evil.

David had accomplished a great victory for Israel. Goliath was dead and the murderous enemy was defeated. The whole nation was rejoicing – except Saul. And Saul eyed David from that day on.

If you have had the unpleasant experience of a relationship with a RASN, then it is quite probably that you have seen this very thing. One day it seemed that all was well, then next moment as if a switch had been thrown, you realized that things had changed, and not for the better. Why? How can this be explained?

RASNs are extremely jealous people. It makes them fools. Saul should have been celebrating David’s victory as a victory for Israel and for Saul as well. After all, Saul was king and his loyal servant had routed his enemies. But Saul, consumed with jealousy, seethed in his anger that the spotlight was now upon David rather than himself. In addition, Saul must have sensed that the Lord was with David in a way that His blessing was not upon Saul.

And this is how it works with the RASN. When, for example, the wife of a domestic abuser, enjoys some success in her work or at her church or in the eyes of her family, the fires of jealousy begin to rage. And Saul eyed David from that day on. The evil eye watching, bent on destroying his target’s success. No matter that the success of the abuser’s wife is actually a success for and a blessing upon him. Nope. Competition for glory will not be tolerated and he sets out to sabotage. Many abuse victims will tell us how their abuser worked to cause them trouble at work or to destroy relationships.

Abusers are fools. They saw off the branch they themselves are sitting upon.

[There will be a part 2 to this post next week discussing how the Lord sent an evil spirit upon Saul so that his ravings against David increased. IMO this same dynamic very often is at work in domestic abusers and other RASNs we deal with]

Does Time Heal all Wrongs?

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On April 8, 2024

In Abusers, forgiveness

That happened a long time ago. You can’t keep holding it against me.

Have you ever heard that line? It actually is pretty commonly used by RASNs (revilers, abusers, sociopaths, narcissists). Especially if they claim to be Christians. They will throw in a twisted Bible verse or two to back up their claim.

When it comes to sin, time does not heal all wrongs. God Himself does not just “forget about it.”

But they do not consider that I remember all their evil. Now their deeds surround them; they are before my face.
(Hos 7:2)

RASNs so often make this claim – that because so many years have gone by, we have no right to remember their sin. But in the very act of making such a claim, they betray that they have not changed, have not repented, and have no intention of repenting. Sin unconfessed, unrepented of, does not just dissolve with time. It is still there on the books, as if it were committed afresh every single day.

Divide and Conquer – a Tactic of Evil

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On April 4, 2024

In Abusers, Evil, Narcissist, RASN

Therefore I, the prisoner of the Lord, implore you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling with which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, showing tolerance for one another in love, being diligent to preserve the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.
(Eph 4:1-3)

As many of you know from hard experience, RASNs (revilers, abusers, sociopaths, narcissists) and other evil people, sow seeds of discord as a tactic to maintain power and control. That is always what everything they do is about – PC (Power and Control). They divide so that they can conquer.

You have seen it in your families. Domestic abusers work to pit children against parent, extended family against their target victim, friends against friends. There is an account of a famous English Admiral (can’t recall his name) who saw two of his officers arguing heatedly on deck during England’s war with the French. The admiral grabbed them both by the collar, spun them around toward the sea where a French warship was approaching, and said “Gentlemen, THERE is the enemy!” We cannot fight effectively if we are fighting with one another.

Evil people of every category are divisive people:

Now I urge you, brethren, keep your eye on those who cause dissensions and hindrances contrary to the teaching which you learned, and turn away from them. For such men are slaves, not of our Lord Christ but of their own appetites; and by their smooth and flattering speech they deceive the hearts of the unsuspecting.
(Rom 16:17-18)

Abusers turn children and grandchildren against parent and grandparent. They sow division between their target victim and her friends. Why? In part just to punish. but primarily to gain allies for the abuser himself. This adds to his power. The Apostle Paul warns us of this and tells us to carefully watch anyone who causes dissensions and to turn away from them, refusing to listen to their “smooth and flattering speech” which they use to gain us as their ally in wickedness.

Allies of evil. Now there is another related topic. How the RASN works to gain allies for his evil cause. Suddenly an abuse victim’s friends at church grow distant and cool. Relatives and friends pressure the victim to work harder in the marriage. Abuse victims have often even lost their jobs due to the abuser’s craftiness in influencing their employer. Children and grandchildren are brainwashed and lied to, distancing them from their mother. The thing is absolutely and sadly typical.

There IS a division which is of the Holy Spirit. Paul says it in his words quoted above. We are to divide, to separate from – evil. From people who cause wicked division. Turn away from THEM. Far too often we see local churches turning away from the wrong person while the divider remains among them.

A New Post at ‘Light for Dark Times – Lessons from the Hypocrite Mr. Pecksniff

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On March 29, 2024

In Evil

Here is a link to my article at Light for Dark Times entitled “Oh, How Forgiving the Hypocrite is – A Picture from Mr. Pecksniff.” Pecksniff is a character in Charles Dickens’ great novel – Martin Chuzzelwit. Pecksniff’s name is synonymous with “hypocrite.” One of Pecksniff’s tactics is to pronounce his “forgiveness,” insisting that not he, but YOU are the guilty party. Yet, so saintly and pious is Pecksniff and his kind that in spite of the terrible wrongs YOU have inflicted upon him, he forgives you.

Abusers are Users

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On March 26, 2024

In Abusers, Narcissist, RASN

Rom 16:18 For such persons do not serve our Lord Christ, but their own appetites, and by smooth talk and flattery they deceive the hearts of the naive.

Why would someone use “smooth talk and flattery” on you? Deceiving words? Why? Paul warns us that it is because they are out to feed their own wicked appetites (lusts). In other words, they just want to use you to feed themselves. Abusers are users. RASNS are users.

Now, when one of these kind is using the one they have flattered and deceived, all seems to be well UNTIL their target is no longer any use to them. You can’t use a useless thing. And a used person becomes useless to the user when, for a number of possible reasons, they are no longer useful for feeding the RASN’s evil ego.

One reason might be that the one being used has started to realize what is going on. Or, another, that the person being used has undergone some type of change – economic, social standing, etc – which renders them of no value in the user’s eyes. As, for instance, a Christian grows in Christ and becomes increasingly hated by the world, they certainly are not going to be someone whose relationship adds to the world’s esteem of the user. That is why these kinds of relationships often end in a split second. The one used didn’t even see it coming. But you can be sure that the user did. Done. Over. Get lost.

You see this in the Lord Jesus’ experience:

Joh 6:65-66 And he said, “This is why I told you that no one can come to me unless it is granted him by the Father.” (66) After this many of his disciples turned back and no longer walked with him.

Abusers are users (and losers!). Revilers, abusers, narcissists, sociopaths – they all use people. There is no love in them. There is never any real friendship. So don’t be surprised when these kind toss you away like a worn out sock. Just keep right on following Christ and be glad you are no longer deceived by a deceiver.

A Wonderful Psalm of Promise

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On March 20, 2024

In Biblical Teaching

This Psalm (121) is short, but it contains some of the most encouraging and powerful promises to be found in Scripture for Christ’s people. Here it is:

A Song of Ascents. I lift up my eyes to the hills. From where does my help come? My help comes from the LORD, who made heaven and earth.

He will not let your foot be moved; he who keeps you will not slumber. Behold, he who keeps Israel will neither slumber nor sleep.

The LORD is your keeper; the LORD is your shade on your right hand. The sun shall not strike you by day, nor the moon by night.

The LORD will keep you from all evil; he will keep your life. The LORD will keep your going out and your coming in from this time forth and forevermore.
(Psa 121:1-8)

Christ is Our Only and Certain Hope

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On March 19, 2024

In Biblical Teaching, Gospel

Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.
(Rom 12:12)

Many of you have written to me and shared your stories of past and present suffering at the hands of an abuser. I greatly appreciate the privilege of being someone with whom you can share. Often, when I hear of the intense and prolonged trials abuse victims endure, I find myself wishing I could do more to help. I suspect many of you have experienced this wish as well.

Wicked, abusing, narcissistic people create horribly tangled webs of deceit, lies, accusations, civil and even criminal court actions, court filings battling for custody of children simply because the abuser must win. How is this web to be untangled? Many of these persecuting machines go on and on and on. What is our hope?

Help is to be found through becoming wise about evil, to learn about the mentality of entitlement and the abuser’s quest for power and control. To wake up to the weapons these evil people use against us. To get straightened out in respect to all the false, supposed “biblical” doctrines which keep abuse victims in abuse. We can find help in learning about trauma and its effects.

But in the end, what is our certain and ultimate hope? What is the real, final remedy? Where can we go for rescue that will never fail? Because unless we can find a Deliverer who will never fail us, who will with certainty one day put an end to this evil and make us free, there is no real hope. Who is that Deliverer? He is, of course, the Lord Jesus Christ.

It is very easy for us who have wised up to the evil of abuse, especially as it hides under a disguise of “Christian,” and creeps about in our churches, it is easy I say to forget Christ. To forget our real message of hope – to preach Christ and Him crucified. To set our hope and aim upon Him and His salvation. If we forget Christ, if we forget to keep our eyes upon Him, if we fail to point people to the perfect redemption to be found only in Him, then we are doing no more than applying a temporary salve to injured people. And the danger of this, of proceeding down a “therapeutic” path which leaves the real Therapist outside, is that we will only “help” people to remain in victimhood. Never showing them how to be ultimately free. We will fail to do what Bunyan’s character “Evangelist” did when Christian came out of the City of Destruction crying out, “what must I do to be saved?” Evangelist pointed Christian to that little gate off in the distance. He pointed Christian to Christ.

Knowing Christ is our only real hope. Putting our trust in Him and believing His promises to protect us from enemies “behind and before,” and to one day bring us safely home where evil abusers will never be seen again, there is the real thing. More and more and more I am realizing that the real therapy, the real help and hope for us is to be found in the Word of God. Therein we find Christ and this great and certain promise:

What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things? Who shall bring any charge against God’s elect? It is God who justifies. Who is to condemn? Christ Jesus is the one who died—more than that, who was raised—who is at the right hand of God, who indeed is interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? As it is written, “For your sake we are being killed all the day long; we are regarded as sheep to be slaughtered.” No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Rom 8:31-39)

Flattery and Popularity – Two Warning Signs of a RASN**

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On March 16, 2024

In Evil, Narcissist, RASN

Rom 16:17-18 I appeal to you, brothers, to watch out for those who cause divisions and create obstacles contrary to the doctrine that you have been taught; avoid them. (18) For such persons do not serve our Lord Christ, but their own appetites, and by smooth talk and flattery they deceive the hearts of the naive.

I have been naïve in my life more often than I would like to admit to myself. Smooth talk and flattery have duped me until, I hope, I have finally learned. In my 40 years as a pastor, these smooth-talker-flatterers have come along quite often and in the end, caused immense pain and harm in the church. They cause division. They work to gain a following for themselves and thus lead people away from Christ and His true people. They rise to lofty position in the church.

And then, when they have the power and control handed to them, they show themselves to be the demagogues that they are.

I could tell you many stories about these kind who I have experienced and been harmed by, and I suspect many of you could tell your stories too. Let me give you a scenario which I will draw from several cases which I have seen.

Here comes, let’s say, Larry. Larry has heard that a new pastor has come to the small church in his community, or perhaps even a brand new church is being started. So there is Larry one Sunday morning with his family. Everyone is pleased to see some new faces and afterward Larry is sooo excited. The sermon was soooo spot on and biblical – nothing like the old church he came from. And it turns out that Larry is a bit of a figure in the community. A professional in a respected career. “My wife and I are eager to help. Just let us know how we can.”

Before long, Larry is a mover and shaker in the church. He volunteers for the treasurer position. He has community contacts. Need something done – just call Larry.

But no one has ever really talked to Larry about the Christian life he professes, other than to hear him say that he is a Christian. Things have been rushed. Adequate time has not passed for Larry to be tested and his profession of Christ to be observed. It isn’t long before Larry has a bit of a following in the congregation. “What does Larry think,” becomes a common phrase to hear. Larry even volunteers to put his name on the line as a co-signer for a building project mortgage, and Larry’s reputation takes a big leap ahead.

But then comes the day of reckoning. Larry and a few of his loyalists come to a church board meeting and express “concern” over the pastor’s preaching. “It is our job and your job as a board to be certain that the members of this church hear sermons that they want to hear.” (That very statement was one which “Larry” actually stated as an attack against me at a board meeting).

Now I shall speak in the first person. In response to Larry’s evil takeover plan to control the church and me as the pastor, I announced – “I have been preaching just like I always have, and no one is going to dictate the sermons I preach. I will preach God’s Word and I will not compromise.”

And here is one of my main points and one which most of you will be able to identify with because I suspect it happened to you. Not one single person on that church board backed me up. Not one. After the meeting a couple of them came to me and said “we agree with you, pastor.” Oh, really? Then why did you not stand with me in the meeting? Crickets.

It was not long before the Lord made it plain that He was going to take us out of that false church and lead us to a new ministry. What of Larry? Well, to this day – over 30 years later, Larry is still running the show. Larry is just the greatest, you know.

This is the very kind of person the Apostle Paul is warning us about – these smooth talking flatterers who creep in among us. We must be wise to them, but that wisdom so often comes through hard and painful experience. One day Larry will be called to account and his smooth talking flattery will be of no avail to him.

2Ti 4:14-15 Alexander the coppersmith did me great harm; the Lord will repay him according to his deeds. (15) Beware of him yourself, for he strongly opposed our message.

**RASN = Reviler, abuser, sociopath, narcissist

It’s Always a Clean Slate for the RASN

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On March 14, 2024

In Abusers, RASN

And this second thing you do. You cover the LORD’s altar with tears, with weeping and groaning because he no longer regards the offering or accepts it with favor from your hand. (Malachi 2:13)

I have written on this subject before but it is such a prevalent tactic of the RASN (reviler, abuser, sociopath, narcissist) that it bears repeating often.

Anyone who has experienced the abuse meted out by a RASN knows that we could make quite a long list of the sins and evils the RASN is guilty of. No empathy. Projection. Gaslighting. Minimizing. And on the list could go. Their slate of sins is lengthy.

However, when a RASN accuses their victim of one supposed wrong done to the RASN, suddenly it is as if the RASN’s list of crimes was one of those old “etch-a-sketch” toys that you just shake and all the writing goes away. Magic. In other words, the victim is required to regard the RASN’s slate as clean. Nothing on it is to be brought up. The ONLY “crime” to be considered is the one thing the victim is being accused of. That is to say, RASNs don’t admit to any guilt or wrongdoing. It is always the victim’s fault.

The RASN, having appointed himself judge and jury, regards himself as the arbiter who has the right to define what is going to be discussed in his courtroom and what is not admissible. Another way of describing this evil business is that RASNs, as they exercise illegal power and control, are a law unto themselves. They can do whatever they want to do and they insist that they are justified in doing so.

One way to see that you are being abused in this manner is to ask yourself, “am I always the one who is wrong?” “Is it always my fault?” Because this is a mark of a toxic relationship. It’s always your fault. Now, we are none of us perfect, but the probability that in every single scenario WE are the ones who are wrong, is pretty slim. I recommend ending any relationship, if possible, in which “it” is always your fault.

Don’t be Trapped by Perpetual Victimhood

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On March 11, 2024

In Getting Free

Joh 8:31-32 So Jesus was saying to those Jews who had believed Him, “If you continue in My word, then you are truly disciples of Mine; (32) and you will know the truth, and the truth will make you free.”

This is a topic I have written about before, but it is also a topic which bears repeating. Perpetual victimhood is a trap that people who have been the target of evil, perpetrated by a RASN (reviler, abuser, sociopath, narcissist) can be trapped by. Perpetual victimhood will make a slave of a victim and even morph the, into the shape of the very one who abused them. Perpetual victims, in other words, can to one degree or another become abusive people themselves.

You may have come across such people. While every survivor of narcissistic abuse, for instance, experiences certain “trigger” scenarios which set off unpleasant emotions and in a sense “re-traumatize,” as time goes along – especially if the survivor is a real Christian – as time goes along, the Lord’s healing is at work. A Christian experiences the love of God and increasingly grows in believing the Lord’s promises. Promises, for instance, to one day deal with the wicked, to one day once and for all put an end to all suffering and crying and pain and evildoers. These truths are freedom! The truth really does set us free.

But where an abuse victim chooses to remain a victim, where victims do not believe in or focus upon the truth of God’s Word, this nasty business of perpetual victimhood can put down its roots.

Have you ever been around a perpetual victim? Just as they once had to walk on eggshells around their abuser, so now everyone around them must walk on eggshells, lest the trigger get pulled. Such people are angry, angry people who lash out at anyone who says or does something which they deem “insensitive.”

This is not a path any of us should go down. A choice to do so will erode and destroy any new relationship. I once had the unpleasant experience of knowing such a person. She was an angry, bitter, and yes…abusive person. Years earlier she had been in a marriage that was a disaster. But years later she had allowed herself to become what she once was the victim of. Her adult son told me one day “my mother is an angry, bitter person, but….” and what he went on to tell me is that myself and everyone else had better walk on eggshells around her and never rebuke her for her sin toward others. This lady had everyone in her circle enslaved and fearful lest they trigger her and set her off.

Christ sets us free. That lady did not know Christ, though she claimed to be a Christian. But her fruit evidenced that she was not. She had chosen to be a perpetual victim….and indeed, she became a perpetual victim of her own doing.

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