Unmasking the Domestic Abuser in the Church

Abusers are Users

Rom 16:18 For such persons do not serve our Lord Christ, but their own appetites, and by smooth talk and flattery they deceive the hearts of the naive.

Why would someone use “smooth talk and flattery” on you? Deceiving words? Why? Paul warns us that it is because they are out to feed their own wicked appetites (lusts). In other words, they just want to use you to feed themselves. Abusers are users. RASNS are users.

Now, when one of these kind is using the one they have flattered and deceived, all seems to be well UNTIL their target is no longer any use to them. You can’t use a useless thing. And a used person becomes useless to the user when, for a number of possible reasons, they are no longer useful for feeding the RASN’s evil ego.

One reason might be that the one being used has started to realize what is going on. Or, another, that the person being used has undergone some type of change – economic, social standing, etc – which renders them of no value in the user’s eyes. As, for instance, a Christian grows in Christ and becomes increasingly hated by the world, they certainly are not going to be someone whose relationship adds to the world’s esteem of the user. That is why these kinds of relationships often end in a split second. The one used didn’t even see it coming. But you can be sure that the user did. Done. Over. Get lost.

You see this in the Lord Jesus’ experience:

Joh 6:65-66 And he said, “This is why I told you that no one can come to me unless it is granted him by the Father.” (66) After this many of his disciples turned back and no longer walked with him.

Abusers are users (and losers!). Revilers, abusers, narcissists, sociopaths – they all use people. There is no love in them. There is never any real friendship. So don’t be surprised when these kind toss you away like a worn out sock. Just keep right on following Christ and be glad you are no longer deceived by a deceiver.


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  1. Molly

    I think one of the reasons so many evangelicals cannot (and refuse) to understand abuse and abusers is because the WORD “abuse” is not typically used in the Bible, merely the descriptions, (It’s like a “woke” word for them) and the descriptions of abusers are how they see those out in “the world” surely not their friends and spiritual leaders! (Even though THAT is mentioned often in scriptures) It’s that cognitive dissonance.

    • Yes. And further, most professing Christians refuse to acknowledge that many people in their church are not born again. In other words, the world is IN their church.


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