Unmasking the Domestic Abuser in the Church

Author: Jeff Crippen Page 46 of 88

Loyalty is a Fundamental Quality of Love

2Ti 4:16 At my first defense no one came to stand by me, but all deserted me. May it not be charged against them!

2Ti 1:15-16 You are aware that all who are in Asia turned away from me, among whom are Phygelus and Hermogenes. (16) May the Lord grant mercy to the household of Onesiphorus, for he often refreshed me and was not ashamed of my chains,

Loyalty. Sticking with through thick and thin. You have the thing is traditional marriage vows – “in sickness and in health.” And yet it is a very rare gem, as the Apostle Paul describes his experience above. There are a few like Onesiphorus, but most desert and jump ship when a cost must be paid.

2Sa 23:14-16 David was then in the stronghold, and the garrison of the Philistines was then at Bethlehem. (15) And David said longingly, “Oh, that someone would give me water to drink from the well of Bethlehem that is by the gate!” (16) Then the three mighty men broke through the camp of the Philistines and drew water out of the well of Bethlehem that was by the gate and carried and brought it to David. But he would not drink of it. He poured it out to the LORD

Loyalty stands with. It does not desert nor abandon. A loyal friend does what the Lord commands – bears one another’s burdens. Do you begin to see how rare this is – particularly in the place where it should be most easily found – the visible church. I do not doubt that most of you have been abandoned when it became “inconvenient” for friends to stick with you.

Think of Jonathan’s loyal love and friendship toward David:

1Sa 18:3-4 Then Jonathan made a covenant with David, because he loved him as his own soul. (4) And Jonathan stripped himself of the robe that was on him and gave it to David, and his armor, and even his sword and his bow and his belt.

Jonathan had a LOT to lose by being loyal to David when Saul, his father, was trying to kill David. And yet Jonathan stuck with his friend:

1Sa 19:1-2 And Saul spoke to Jonathan his son and to all his servants, that they should kill David. But Jonathan, Saul’s son, delighted much in David. (2) And Jonathan told David, “Saul my father seeks to kill you. Therefore be on your guard in the morning. Stay in a secret place and hide yourself.

Loyalty is an essential, defining quality of love. Where there is the love of Christ, there is loyalty to Christ. Where it is absent, love is absent. People who claim to know Christ, but who desert Christ’s people in adversity, will not be owned by Him. This is widely denied among professing Christians today. I remember hearing a man who used to be in our church argue that this fellow surely was still a Christian:

2Ti 4:10 For Demas, in love with this present world, has deserted me and gone to Thessalonica. Crescens has gone to Galatia, Titus to Dalmatia.

Demas blew it, this fellow said, but that doesn’t mean he wasn’t still saved. WRONG! Demas chose the world over Christ. Why do professing Christians seem to want to defend his salvation? I can tell you why. Because they want to lower the bar and make it easier on themselves.

Central in virtually ALL the stories you have told me about how you were treated by family, friends, your pastor, your church is this thing, desertion. DIS-loyalty. Scripture reveals loyalty, or its lack, as a central litmus test of a person’s spiritual state. And so I say once again, if you want to know where a person or a church stands with Christ, look into how they respond to a victim of abuse. The truth is that the majority of them are of the same species as Demas. They love this present world.

Abusers are not Your Average Sinner

1Ti 1:12-13 I thank him who has given me strength, Christ Jesus our Lord, because he judged me faithful, appointing me to his service, (13) though formerly I was a blasphemer, persecutor, and insolent opponent. But I received mercy because I had acted ignorantly in unbelief,

 

Often we come across the question of how we can say that abusers never change. And as was pointed out recently, that Jesus saved people like Zacchaeus the tax-collector and of course, Saul of Tarsus – the Apostle Paul. Aren’t these cases of abusers coming to repentance and being saved?

No.

The kind of sinner, the brand of evil that we address here under the name “abuser,” is quite different. All sinners are not the same. The large majority of abusers do, what? They parade under a disguise of the most wonderful, charismatic, kind, holy, saintly….just keep piling on the adjectives….person you would ever know.

Mat_6:5  “And when you pray, you must not be like the hypocrites. For they love to stand and pray in the synagogues and at the street corners, that they may be seen by others. Truly, I say to you, they have received their reward.

Mat_6:16  “And when you fast, do not look gloomy like the hypocrites, for they disfigure their faces that their fasting may be seen by others. Truly, I say to you, they have received their reward.

Mat 23:27 “Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you are like whitewashed tombs, which outwardly appear beautiful, but within are full of dead people’s bones and all uncleanness.

Understand? Think about it carefully. This is one of the typical qualities of the abuser. Hypocrite. Disguise. Mask. That is why so many of them are church members and claim to be fine Christians.

The Apostle Paul was never such a person. Did he abuse, before his conversion, Christians? Yes. But why? Because he genuinely believed that he was serving God in doing so. As he says, he acted “ignorantly in unbelief.” The Lord showed him mercy.

And here then is the difference. Paul was a sinner. He was a legalist, but he was not a hypocrite. He was what he was and did not pretend anything else. He was wrong. He was a sinner. He was persecuting Christ. But he was the real thing, even though that real thing was sinning.

One kind of person that Jesus did NOT eat with was the Pharisees and scribes – those hypocrites he pronounced divine woes upon. These are the real abusers. No conscience. No repentance. Lusting for power and control. Using and oppressing. Paul was never one of those. And you can bet that Nicodemus was not one either.

And it is those kind who do not change. Those are the abusers. They operate in knowing unbelief. And for them, God has no mercy.

Other Related Posts:
Saul of Tarsus was not an Abuser – Let Me Show You Why

Be Sure to Read This Comment by Lynn – She has Learned this Wisdom through Hard Experience

Lynn made the following comment recently in response to our post on “Love Conquering All” and the great harm this falsehood causes. I wanted everyone to be sure and see what she said, so here is her comment:

‘Love’ conquering all in relationships is a Disney fantasy projected into the minds of children so that when they become adults they long to have that kind of ‘love’ in their romantic relationships. Except it’s not real love, and it opens the door to all kinds of abuse.

Run far away from relationships that mimic any of the Disney princesses. Do not long to be Cinderella – flee from both the matriarchal abuse presented in the story and the idea that you can know someone well enough after one night to commit to a life of marriage – even if he is a ‘prince’. Titles and a lovely waltz don’t save you from abusive people. They may open the door to even more abuse. or Snow White – whose kind, trusting, naive nature endangered her life because she wasn’t wise to the nature of evil. Do not seek to be like Belle in Beauty and the Beast and try to tame the beast because you think deep down there is a heart of gold underneath that beastly exterior. 99.999999% of the time, the beast is just a beast. Remaining in a relationship only sacrifices you and will not change him.

The love we see in the Bible demonstrated by Jesus isn’t the same “love conquers all” love we see in the movies and TV. Yes it is powerful enough to redeem us from our sins. Yes it saves us and regenerates us bring us from darkness to light. But it will not save everyone. It will not save the unrepentant sinner. It will not save those who blatantly pursue a life of wickedness. It will not save the covert abuser from his or her coming judgement.

Being saved by God doesn’t mean that all will be made right for you in this life. It doesn’t guarantee your body or your mind will be immediately healed from whatever ailments you wrestle with as a result of living in a broken, evil world. It won’t magically fix your issues with your boss, your finances or your toxic relationships. Healing comes slowly with time, with study of the scripture, prayer and in being in relationship with other real Christians. It comes with finding the right tools, techniques and resources to break through the negative behavioral patterns in your life. It comes with letting go of all desire to enact vengeance on those who harm you and entrusting God to get you perfect justice. It comes with choosing to embrace healthy boundaries with yourself and others. It is a lifelong journey we pursue and never quite arrive at, but the investment is worth the effort.

Choosing to follow Christ may result in life getting worse for you because what you used to tolerate and participate changes, causing the people you’re in relationships with to notice, and not always in a good way. I don’t say that as a means of discouragement, but as one who wants to speak the truth to you in love. Following Christ will cost you something. It may cost you everything. And it is worth the cost. Eternal bliss with Christ, free from sin, pain, abusive people and death is worth everything.

Those who’ve been accustomed to your old way of life, especially if they’ve had control and influence in your life, most likely will not appreciate you choosing to stop doing things their way and choosing to get free of the toxic and ungodly relationships in your life.

We are told in scripture that if we love, father, mother, sister brother more than Christ we can’t be his disciples. Christ has to be preeminent in our relationships. Any relationship that is abusive we are commanded to leave. Remaining in its toxicity is not loving to yourself or the abuser. It doesn’t honor God, and only adds to your pain.

God doesn’t require you to remain in abusive relationships with family, friends, spouses, or ‘professing Christians’. He commands you to not eat with such a one and to not be unequally yoked with them. Remaining yoked with abusive people only brings misery. The good works you are called to do cannot take place when you are unequally yoked with an abuser. They will force all of their burden on you and then shame you for not being able to carry it.

Cast off that old heavy yoke of bondage and embrace the yoke of Christ. His burden is easy, his yoke is light, and in him you can find rest for your souls.

Tell Me What You Think of These Claims

The following was posted on Twitter by a pastor.

A tweet by a pastor:
“Jesus healed the centurion’s son and hung out with tax collectors. 
He ate with prostitutes and comforted widows. 
He came to save both the oppressed and the oppressor. The reality is they are both trapped in the same system of sin. 
He came to seek and save ALL the lost.”

A tweet in response to the above was then posted:

“Truth. It’s hard for a lot of people to grasp, but Jesus loves everyone. Even those we tend to hate. They are damaged people too. None is perfect. Not one. And He desires all.”

I recently completed a pretty in-depth study of the common claim “God loves everyone.” The Bible provides a mountain of clear teaching which refutes such a claim. It is statements like these “tweets” being made by so-called pastors and professing Christians that are working to keep the oppressed in bondage to the wicked.

Is it really true the the oppressed and the oppressor are both “trapped in the same system of sin”? Does the Bible present the wicked as being simply “damaged people”? Yes, Jesus ate with tax-gatherers and sinners, but His response to his enemies such as the Pharisees was quite different. He said things like this to them:

Mat 21:31-32 Which of the two did the will of his father?” They said, “The first.” Jesus said to them, “Truly, I say to you, the tax collectors and the prostitutes go into the kingdom of God before you. (32) For John came to you in the way of righteousness, and you did not believe him, but the tax collectors and the prostitutes believed him. And even when you saw it, you did not afterward change your minds and believe him.

So that pastor and his commenter are teaching a false gospel. They are oppressing the oppressed. They are warping and perverting the cross of Christ and they are giving evil a free hand to abuse and oppress and still enter heaven.

Pastor, you will give an account to Christ one day for your false and enslaving teaching.

Pastor Crippen’s  Bible 11-part series titled “Does God Love Everyone?” can be found at our Youtube channel. 

Love Does Not Always Conquer

I was having a conversation recently with two friends and they mentioned that they had been watching the video series Ann of Avonlea. They noted that there was a troubling, common, romantic theme played out in the drama. I may have the exact details wrong, but I believe they said there was an evil matriarchal grandmother in the story who worked to dominate her family. Ann was depicted as noble for just loving and loving and loving her. This is, of course, romantic fantasy. It is not real life.

Our conversation also turned to other examples of romanticized fantasy in which “love conquers all.” For instance, the “christian” movies such as Fireproof and Courageous and War Room, etc. You have the very same thing presented. Love, love, love no matter what. Stay in relationship. Stay. Stay. Stay. And in the end, you have such happy ending in which the abuser type repents, sees the light, and is radically changed.

This too is romantic fantasy. It is not real life.

And not only is it fantasy, it is a fantasy of the sinful selfish flesh. People WANT the happy ending of their own imagination. If you give it to them in your story line or in your preaching from the pulpit, they get what they want and stick with you. If you give them truth and reality, they gnash their teeth and leave.

What is the truth. Abusers, be they domestic, matriarchal, patriarchal, narcissistic, sociopathic….etc, never change. Nope. Never. In fact, the WORST thing you can do in dealing with such evil is to stay in relationship with it and love, love, love it.

Let me ask this question – is this what Jesus did? Did Jesus love sinners? YES! Did the love of Jesus conquer all and end in an everyone-lived-happily-ever-after of hugs and kisses? You know the answer to that question.

No. Love does not conquer all in the sense of “saving” everyone. What, or rather, WHO, conquers all is Christ. King Jesus. And His victory includes conquering the devil and his followers – not wooing them to repentance – but conquering them as the victorious King vanquishes His enemies.

Video Lecture/Class at CRC today on Matriarchal Abuse

I taught a class this morning in the class time at CRC on the subject of matriarchal abuse. It is a very important topic and defnitely worth watching. This link is from the Christ Reformation Church page on Youtube. You can also view the class at our Facebook page where we livestream the Sunday morning class, the worship service, and the Wednesday morning Bible study (currently on the Gospel of John).

https://youtu.be/Et3Mx_yXcdE

Matriarchal Abuse: I will be speaking on this subject tomorrow (5-16-21) in our Livestreamed Sunday morning class

Many of you know that we livestream both our Sunday morning class (9:30am, Kevin leads singing by livestream and immediately following we livestream from CRC the class). The feed is on the Christ Reformation Church Facebook page and later is uploaded to our Youtube channel as well.

Tomorrow morning then (5-16-21) after Kevin’s music feed ends (about 9:40am), our class livestreamed subject will be this evil business of Matriarchal Abuse. We have posted several articles on this lately and there have been many comments as well as emails sent directly to me from people who have been victims of this wickedness.

This thing is far more common than I realized. I know, for example, of at least 4 victims/survivors of matriarchal abuse right in our CRC local and online membership. There are no doubt more.

If we are going to help people get free of an evil that gives “mother’s day” a whole new and nasty meaning, then we need to get wise to this form of abuse.

So please join us, or if you cannot tomorrow morning, watch the video when you can either on Facebook or at our Youtube channel.

This Evil of Matriarchal Abuse Deserves Serious Notice

Yesterday’s post about fear being characteristic of toxic relationships made mention of the evil of matriarchal abuse. I have received numbers of responses to that post besides the comments and I am beginning to realize that mothers as abusers are more common that I knew. I have personally seen and experienced fallout from these kind. They are not rare.

I wanted to post a comment submitted yesterday by TJ as a stand-alone post of its own because it sooooo accurately portrays what it is like to undergo the oppression of an abuser matriarch, and what getting free requires. It is no wonder that Jesus spoke often on how following Him will result in this kind of warped version of motherhood wailing in rage to regain possession:

My Mom was a matriarchal abuser. She used acceptance/rejection, manipulation, guilt/shame, lies, half-truths, etc., to control and divide her six children…and later her grandchildren. She stirred up jealousy, resentment, fear between us. She was very covert so I don’t think that any of us were fully aware of what the others were being told. She manipulated us like chess pieces on a board and destroyed our relationships.

It’s difficult to condense a lifetime of covert abuse into few words. When I began experiencing my Mom’s direct rage because I wouldn’t let her seize control of my marriage, I reached out to sisters who had been outcasted before me. I forgave–and asked forgiveness–for past offenses because I believed our relationships had been manipulated. I thought/hoped we could start over as adults away from our Mom, and we seemed to for several years, but I believe my siblings never relinquished their manipulated childhood perceptions and emotions. In reality, I think we were all used as weapons against each other and none of us were truly loved. Any appearance of love was an illusion. They never stopped hungering. pursuing, and competing for any little crumb of our Mom’s love/approval that she tossed their way and they turned away from Truth. I don’t think they minded that I became the ultimate scapegoat because it meant that THEY weren’t. Eventually, when my Mom completely rejected me, they sided with her, defended her, and joined in her emotional abuse of me.

Ten years ago I finally recognized that the turmoil in my family was permanent and was harming my own little family. I realized that our relationships were damaged beyond repair so I walked away from my family of origin. Five years ago my husband, son, and I moved several hours away without telling them and we began to work on our own healing and recovery. My five siblings had the opportunity to be “free” but they returned to the slavery of “Egypt.” I have been completely vilified, hated, insulted, accused, condemned, and rejected because I didn’t turn back.

In late November 2020, my sister found me at FB and messaged, “You probably don’t care, but I just wanted to let you know that mom died on November 10…Figured you should know, good, bad, or ugly, she is our mom.” Such a message revealed to me that she/they had not changed so I blocked her without response. Yesterday I received an envelope from a lawyer with a copy of our Mom’s Will. The only thing I read was the lawyer’s letter informing me that although I was an heir, I was “specifically excluded” from receiving anything from her estate. (I then burned the letter and unread Will.) I never expected or wanted to receive an inheritance. However, the phrase, “specifically excluded” was a final stab of rejection and actually sums up a matriarchal abuser: They do not love, they control. They do not “accidentally” reject. They are not acting out of “woundedness.” They very intentionally, very deliberately, and very “specifically exclude,” reject, isolate, and cause harm to those who do not submit.

I regret that I did not escape sooner. I believe that I remained in my abusive family relationships far, far longer than I could have, should have, would have because when I sought counsel from Christian leaders, mentors, friends, they all told me that I should love more, forgive more, give more grace. When I tried to walk away, they told me that I was unloving, unforgiving, unChristlike and that I dishonored myself, my family, and my God by having no contact. Understand this: You can’t have a relationship with abusive people. I want to echo Jeff’s words: Let the enemy roar. Let mother [and other relatives] weep and wail and rage. We are going to follow Christ and we are not going to permit the wicked to drive us back into slavery. Never.

Listen, daughter, and pay careful attention:
Forget your people and your father’s house.
Let the king be enthralled by your beauty;
honor him, for he is your lord. (Ps 45:10-11)

Let's Talk about FEAR – a Red Flag in Relationships

1Jn 4:18 There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love.

None of us have been perfectly perfected in regard to love. As we grow in Christ, He shows us the ramifications of His love more and more with the result that fear diminishes more and more. While there will always be the positive, healthy, and right “fear of the Lord” by which we honor and obey Him, the kind of fear John is speaking of is not a positive trait. It is a fear that results from punishment in a relationship. We used to fear God in this sense because, before we came to Christ, we were under righteous condemnation by Him. We were guilty. The Law showed us our guilt and was a means of driving us to embrace Christ.

But now that we are in Christ – if you have been born again by faith alone in Christ alone – then this is your status:

Rom 8:1 There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.

The more we come to understand this, the more this fear which results from punishment will dissolve.

Now, what I want to talk to you about today is this business of fear in our relationships with people. Fear that is the kind of fear that results from punishment. A child, for instance, should have this kind of fear in the sense of knowing that if he disobeys his mother or father, he is going to be punished. At the same time, that parent-child relationship must be characterized by love, and the child must know this as well.

But in respect to our relationship now, now that we are adults (or even let’s say in our teen years), fear that is the result of punishment is something that evil people use to hold us in bondage. In this respect, fear is a huge red flag that a relationship is toxic. You often hear domestic abuse victims talk about having to “walk on eggshells” lest their abuser punish them with one of his evil tactics. This is just another way of describing the fear that dominates in such a relationship.

Lately I have been particularly interested in how a matriarchal abuser uses fear of punishment to enslave her family members. Of course most domestic abusers are men, but as I said, of late this business of the mother working an evil domination over her family has been in the forefront.

Whenever one of our relationships with someone is characterized by fear, something is terribly wrong. And I mean the fear that is the fear of punishment.

This thing is sooooo wicked. It creeps up on us. Very often it is present in families and the children grow up in that kind of fear-drenched environment, becoming what many people call “adult children” who keep right on fearing punishment from, for instance, their mother. It is this fear that is the vise holding us to that poisonous relationship. Fear that if we don’t do what we are told, fear that if we do not think what we told to think, fear that if we in anyway step out of the authorized path – we will be punished. Scowls, that “tone” in mother’s voice, a tirade of anger, the silent treatment, playing the victim role – on and on and on this evil arsenal goes. AND IT IS ALL DESIGNED TO ENSLAVE US BY FEAR.

I want to tell you loud and clear – any relationship in our lives that is characterized by fear of punishment is a relationship that the Lord wants us to be free from.

Gal 5:1 For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery.

The thought of freedom from this tyrrany – from, for instance, a mother’s tyranny – can at first be fearful in itself. Think of the Israelites on that great day when the Lord led them out of slavery in Egypt. I bet many of them were afraid. What will Pharaoh do? And sure enough when they stopped at the Red Sea, here he came! Even across the Red Sea there were many times when they grumbled and said things like “let’s go back to Egypt where we had leeks and garlic to eat.” The enemy of our souls does not give us up easily. When you resolve to be free you can expect that Pharaoh is going to come chasing after you. But then, the Lord parts the Sea and shows us that path to freedom.

Love casts out this fear of punishment:

Rom 8:15 For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, “Abba! Father!”

Did you know that you can live in this freedom from fear-of-punishment relationships? It’s true. You can live free from a narcissist, enslaving, terrorizing mother or other such person – and you will thrive. The enemy wants you to think that you cannot. That a life without that toxin is just impossible. Slavery to it is all you have known – how will you go on? Well, the answer is – Christ! When you are cast out, He will be there to greet you and once you see Him, I mean REALLY see Him and experience the love He has for you, you will never ever want to go back to Egypt.

Let the enemy roar. Let mother weep and wail and rage. We are going to follow Christ and we are not going to permit the wicked to drive us back into slavery. Never.

The 10 Commandments of a Naricissist Parent

Lynn, one of our blog community friends, sent me these commandments which characterize a narcissist/abuser mother or father. Lynn grew up in just such a home, under all this oppression, and has been set free from it. So many, many thanks to her. These are great!

A Narcissistic Mother’s 10 commandments 

A parody of Deuteronomy 20:1-17

I am your mother who brought you into this world & I can take you out of it.

  1. You must have no other relationships or activities that are more important than me.
  2. You must not love or pay attention to anything or anyone more than you do me. You must unconditionally love, forgive, and blindly obey me only for I am a jealous, wrathful taskmaster if you stray from keeping my commands.
  3. You shall never speak ill of me, even if it is the truth, to anyone. For I will hold you guilty if you do.
  4. Every day you must remember me and treat me as holy.
  5. You must unconditionally honor me and blindly obey me in order to minimize my wrath and prolong my days.
  6. You must not ever express any negative emotions in my presence and/or at me regardless of my words, behaviors, and actions I choose to do.
  7. You must never break free from your relationship with me, no matter what I do to you.
  8. You must never take anything away from me that I believe belongs to me.
  9. You must not provide any testimony that makes me look bad in my own eyes and the eyes of others.
  10. You must not desire your own life and freedom apart from me.

A Narcissistic Father’s 10 commandments 

A parody of Deuteronomy 20:1-17

I am your father who gave you life & I can take it away.

  1. You must have no other relationships or activities that are more important than me.
  2. You must not love or pay attention to anything or anyone more than you do me. You must unconditionally love, forgive, and blindly obey me only for I am a jealous, wrathful taskmaster if you stray from keeping my commands.
  3. You shall never speak ill of me, even if it is the truth, to anyone. For I will hold you guilty if you do.
  4. Every day you must remember me and treat me as holy.
  5. You must unconditionally honor me and blindly obey me in order to minimize my wrath and prolong my days.
  6. You must not ever express any negative emotions in my presence and/or at me regardless of my words, behaviors, and actions I choose to do.
  7. You must never break free from your relationship with me, no matter what I do to you.
  8. You must never take anything away from me that I believe belongs to me.
  9. You must not provide any testimony that makes me look bad in my own eyes and the eyes of others.
  10. You must not desire your own life and freedom apart from me.

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