I taught a class this morning in the class time at CRC on the subject of matriarchal abuse. It is a very important topic and defnitely worth watching. This link is from the Christ Reformation Church page on Youtube. You can also view the class at our Facebook page where we livestream the Sunday morning class, the worship service, and the Wednesday morning Bible study (currently on the Gospel of John).
I watched the Bible Study video yesterday. It’s a subject that, as you know, is 1/2 of my history in my family of origin. I was abused by BOTH parents. Both Mother’s Day and Father’s Day are great triggers for me.
My mother was a matriarchal abuser who abused her children with a particular target on my back-the black sheep/scapegoat who knew from an early age I had to distance myself from them to survive. They all resented that I did not enmesh myself with their toxic poison, as my siblings did. They did and still do live for fake “crumbs” from parents that are only an abuser’s manipulative ploys to keep them in Egypt. They all knew I wanted out ASAP.
I’ve written to you about my story before so I won’t go into it in detail. Physical beatings regularly by both parents and the terror of Domestic Violence between parents near daily. I was born into a marriage of hate and violence. I lived in daily terror. I’m now out of Egypt thanks to God’s divine intervention and in my long, hard journey of recovery which is a daily battle but Jesus is with me every step.
The point I wanted to make was there was an “aha!” moment for me in your teaching yesterday. When you went to the Old Testament and talked about the evil matriarchs and idolatry, you talked about some of the mothers who actually SACRIFICED to their children to death in fires on altars to the false/pagan gods they idolized. They abused the blessing God gave of motherhood to do unspeakable evil. It clicked with me that my mother sacrificed her children to her idol-my father. He never wanted to marry her, always felt trapped into marrying her by a pregnancy he didn’t believe was his child. And he abused her and us thereafter in his constant rage. My mother would stand by as he brutalized her children. She made us live in the terror of witnessing his severe physical Domestic Violence on her. Then in her retaliation/rage, she would viciously beat us, after he’d stormed out. She made us live in terror of someone’s death at any point of any day. As mere children, they were the only parents we had, “good, bad or ugly” as you quoted yesterday, so we still feared losing them and being left alone.
My mother lived to please and keep my cheating, abusing, perverted father from LEAVING HER! She participated in many criminal acts and frauds and helped him in the pornography business he had. She used drugs at his urging. She participated in perverted sexual acts with others-never hiding any of these things from us children. She’d easily leave her children screaming in abject terror right after our being beaten or after being witnesses to violent DV when she’d put on sunglasses at night to hide the black eyes and go out to dinner with him! His crumbs to her to keep her enslaved. She professed to be a Christian as did father! But truly my FATHER was her IDOL. And though we weren’t burned on any altar as human sacrifices to please her idol, her actions were just as wicked. My husband says he believes she WOULD have killed one or all of her children if my father had demanded it. But we all were and are SO badly damaged. We WERE sacrificed.
Only I escaped and have maintained NO CONTACT for several years. The others are so broken and codependent they all actually LIVE WITH PARENTS NOW! In their 50s and 60s and married! Except for one brother who died an early death which I completely attribute to his longterm toxic stress. He was the MOST irate and biggest defender of his abusers when I went No Contact with them and yet he was the MOST brutally abused of all. (He was the supposed “trap” pregnancy and my father really viciously targeted him.) He had lived most of all of us for the crumbs he never really got.
I lost pretty much everyone I thought I knew. All “Christians”-extended family, church friends and leaders. All tried to sway me to forgive and reconcile with (“idolize family”) this poison. So I now consider those enabling people to be poisonous too. Lonely road. I haven’t found the human remnant. Only this online church.
As has already been said in yesterday’s study, ABUSERS DON’T HAVE RELATIONSHIPS. They take hostages. They live to create CONFLICT.
But Jesus has set me free. And I will never look back at Egypt. No leeks, onions or garlic are worth slavery!
Z, how incredibly brave you are to share your story with us. There is so much pain and trauma and evil in it. I’m deeply sorry.
Praise God for your freedom. As you said above, Jesus is with you every step. This is truth.
He will never leave you – and knowing that must surely be a great comfort.
My daughter told me once that God didn’t abandon her during hidden abuse (by her dad). Instead, He suffered with her.
Thank you for sharing your pain with us- and also your hope and faith in God. You are an encouragement!
Thank you Kelly for the encouragement. Recovery from that level of evil is long and still ongoing. But in Jesus, I have the victory! And God will take care of vengeance and judgment for me. He always does what is just and righteous. So I can concentrate on letting Jesus heal me. Praise You, Lord!
Thank you, Kelly, for your encouragement. I’m sorry for what your daughter had to endure. How great that she knew God grieved with her and was right by her side! I remember when I was a child, because I was in a cult-like false “Christianity” clan, and both my abuser parents claimed to be “Christians”, I was so confused about God. I cried out to Him so often but the false teachings about Him kept me from knowing Him. From knowing Jesus as Immanuel-God with me. So I’d often pray to die. Thank God I came to find the REAL Jesus as an adult and now I know His Presence is with me always. And that He is angered and grieves what evil people did to me. Only He makes me “brave”!
Recovery from decades of such evil in my former family is still an ongoing process. But I know, in Christ, I have the victory. And God Almighty will take care of vengeance and judgment His way. He is ALWAYS just and righteous. No evil like that will go unpunished. And He is ALWAYS good to His true children. Which frees me to focus on letting Jesus heal me completely. Praise You, Lord!