Unholy Charade - Jeff Crippen

Unmasking the Domestic Abuser in the Church

Author: Jeff Crippen Page 29 of 88

You Have Met this Person – Diotrephes

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On January 3, 2023

In Abusers, Evil

3 John 1:8-10 Therefore we ought to support people like these, that we may be fellow workers for the truth. (9) I have written something to the church, but Diotrephes, who likes to put himself first, does not acknowledge our authority. (10) So if I come, I will bring up what he is doing, talking wicked nonsense against us. And not content with that, he refuses to welcome the brothers, and also stops those who want to and puts them out of the church.

There he is. Diotrephes. The classic narcissist in Scripture (of course there are many more). The chief problem in dealing with such a person is that we don’t really initially understand what they are. They can be a family member, a fellow church member, a pastor, a spouse – people who we assume love us. And many times they do appear to demonstrate love toward us.

But then there are the warning signs – those troubling things such people do or say which just seem, “off.”

Notice in the Scripture above that Diotrephes had a motive in all that he did – he puts himself first. This is what drives him. It is who he is. He believes that he is:

  • Entitled
  • Superior
  • A lord to be served
  • An authority unto himself

He has no empathy. Love is not present in him. He is jealous of anyone he perceives to be a threat to his position. This is why Diotrephes talked “wicked nonsense” about John and it is why he refused to welcome the Lord’s genuine servants in the church. He even threatened anyone who did, and tossed them out of the church.

I cannot even start to tell you how many of these kind I have come across in the churches I have pastored during my 40 years of ministry. And the chief problem for me has been not understanding what these people really were. I assumed they were Christians (though “difficult” people). I assumed they wanted to serve the Lord, that they had the same purpose as I did in the church, etc. I assumed because I did not understand Diotrephes. I was not wise in respect to this evil.

As a result, I still assumed certain things about them even when they said or did things which produced that unsettled “something isn’t right here” feeling in me. In other words, I covered for them. I made excuses for them to myself and sometimes even to other people.

  • Diotrephes is basically a good Christian. He can be difficult at times but….
  • He struggles with sin like all of us and sometimes he seems to be prideful
  • He had a bad upbringing and so he wrestles with shame

But what was the truth? What is Diotrephes, really? He is:

  • A person who demands to be praised and worshipped
  • He is a person with NO empathy or love
  • He is a person who will tolerate NO perceived threat to his position
  • He is a phony. His persona is a false front to dupe people into thinking, “boy! that Diotrephes is the godliest man in the whole church.”
  • He is intensely vengeful when anyone shines light upon his real nature
  • He covertly communicates to those around him that he will tolerate no dissenting opinion

Only when we understand who Diotrephes really is can we properly deal with him. John knew what he was and he announced to the church that when he arrived he was going to publicly expose this wicked man and you can bet that Diotrephes ultimately left the church, breathing threats and blame, and went right down the road to reboot his “ministry” among others who were naive about his kind.

More Followup on the Earlier Post about “The Sin of Forgiveness”

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On December 26, 2022

In Abusers, Churches/Church Response

Recently I posted excerpts from an article on the subject of forgiveness where there is no repentance, written by Professor Barry Gritters and published in 3 sections in The Standard Bearer. Gritters is on faculty at Protestant Reformed Theological Seminary. A friend who subscribes to that publication showed me Gritters’ articles and when I read the first two I was impressed his position. I also thought that Gritters articles would be an encouragement to abuse victims because they stated that it is wrong, even a sin, to extend forgiveness to someone who is unrepentant.

However, one of our readers (many thanks to them) pointed out to me that the denomination Gritters is with is not a friendly environment for abuse victims. Checking the Protestant Reformed Churches in America website I learned that their position is: “the church should, and can, oppose the evil of divorce and remarriage in her communion .” And looking into the matter further, I found that Gritters delivered a message on November 3, 2022 on the subject of “Confusion About Forgiveness,” which raised some red flags for me. He said:

Since God pursues me and is my perfect example, what attitude should I then have toward my abuser if, number one, he is not sorry and if, number two, he’s ungodly? May I desire justice or must one seek that person’s salvation? A lot of questions in that big question. What should my attitude be towards someone who hurt me if he’s not sorry? Well, your attitude always needs to be the same: love, desire for good, tenderhearted, an inclination to mercy always. That doesn’t mean that you don’t seek justice, you turn justice over to the authorities, you give justice over to God, to the elders, but you always seek their good. If they’re not sorry, the way of Matthew 18 is there. You may desire justice and you must seek that person’s salvation. Those aren’t contradictory. [See sermonaudio.com/graceprc and find the entire message delivered November 3, 2022 at Grace Protestant Reformed Church]

Now, looking into the matter further, I found more teaching on marriage, divorce, and remarriage by Professor Gritters. Here is what he said:

Those who remarry, while their original spouse still lives, are living in continual adultery. Repentance from that sin is to leave the new spouse and remain unmarried, or be reconciled to the original spouse (I Corinthians 7:11). Reconciliation must be prayed for, sought out, zealously, for God’s sake and the children’s.

The Family: Foundations are Shaking, http://www.prca.org/articles/family/family_12.html

And again:

Who does not grieve for and weep with the little children whose hearts are pierced with the terror of fighting and separating parents? Who knows better than they the agonizing results of failing to live in marriage as God commands? Pray for the children! Besides the care for the children, Jesus prohibits divorce because unbiblical divorce lures the divorced spouse to commit adultery by sex outside of marriage, or by remarrying (see Matthew 5:32 and the next chapter, 12, “God’s Will Concerning Remarriage”). What a misery all this causes those who live apart from God’s will!

http://www.prca.org/articles/family/family_11.html

The latter articles were written in 1998. If Professor Gritters has changed his position and has announced that change publicly somewhere, I would be glad to hear from him. However, these teachings of his are still standing in a public forum – and they are incredibly damaging. Gritters condemns all who have divorced and remarried (except for adultery) as adulterers. He insists that such people must separate from one another and remain unmarried as long as their original spouse lives.

How does such a position correlate with Gritters’ articles on “The Sin of Forgiveness” where he correctly writes that not even God forgives an unrepentant person? I certainly cannot mesh these teachings together logically. A spouse who is an abuser and who is unrepentant is not to be forgiven, yet the victim is required to remain married to them and to seek their salvation??

Furthermore, where in Scripture are we told that the Lord requires an abuse victim to seek the permission of the church/elders in order to divorce? It is nowhere to be found. No, I am not promoting divorce. Divorce for spurious, selfish reasons is a sin. But that is not what we are addressing here. We are talking about cases in which an abuser spouse walks in unrepentance, often is a sociopath or narcissist, who is a danger to the health and safety of his victim, craves power and control over her and has no conscience about using as assortment of evil tactics to obtain and maintain that power and control. To be free of such abuse is a good thing and it is a good thing for the children as well.

I have encountered this kind of teaching and the kind of teachers in churches who teach such things numerous times in the past. They create an environment in the church much like that of the Pharisees. They lord it over the flock. They claim to have authority that God has not given them. They mishandle Scripture and use it to support unmerciful applications of the Word that God never intends.

Each time I have had to deal with these kinds of leaders in the church, I have been blasted. The fangs come out. The accusations start to fly. Or I am simply dismissed as someone of no importance, not worthy of being given any consideration. The necessary fruit required by the Lord for all of the fig trees in His vineyard is LOVE. But I rarely ever find that fruit in church leaders who teach and enforce these notions that marriage is an unbreakable bond, that remarriage is forbidden, and in this case a particularly radical and damaging teaching that a husband and wife in a remarriage are required to separate from one another and live out their lives single. Think about that.

For example, I know people who are divorced and who have remarried many years ago. They are Christians, showing growth in Christ. They did not divorce for superficial reasons. Their ex-spouse destroyed the marriage covenant by ongoing unrepentant sin, violating the marriage vows. A husband who refuses to work and provide for his wife and children. A wife who denied the faith and embraced New Age groups and teaching and despised Christ and her husband. In all these cases and more, “no divorce, no remarriage, dissolve any subsequent marriage and remain single” is the demand of these kind of teachers. And make no mistake, such churches will ex-communicate any member who refuses to follow their demands. The Protestant Reformed Church in America is certainly not a safe place for victims of abuse and in fact I would not recommend it to anyone else.

Some Additional Information about my previous post on The Sin of Forgiveness

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On December 23, 2022

In Abusers

I have made some additions to this week’s post referring to Professor Gritter’s articles on it being a sin to forgive someone who is unrepentant. You can go here to read my revised post. It is important to be aware of these new facts and we thank LB for commenting and pointing out these things to me.

The Sin of Forgiveness

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On December 21, 2022

In Biblical Teaching

NOTE: Subsequent to writing this post, a commenter (LB, see her comment below) tipped us off to the fact that Professor Gritter’s denomination, the Protestant Reformed Churches in America, has a doctrine of divorce, marriage, and remarriage, that does not accord with Professor Gritter’s article summarized here in this post. I asked him for comment but essentially he replied, “no comment.” Here is the denomination’s statement on their own website (prca.org) –

Among the practical implications of this covenant view, in the thinking of the PRC, is the calling of the church to promote and defend marriage, the earthly symbol of the covenant between Christ and the Church (cf. Ephesians 5:22ff.), as a life-long unbreakable bond – broken and dissolved only by God in death. On this basis, the church should, and can, oppose the evil of divorce and remarriage in her communion — an evil that devastates Protestant churches today, angers God, and disgusts godly men and women. Thus also, the family is safeguarded for the sake of the godly rearing of the children, who are included in the covenant (Malachi 2:14-16; Matthew 19:3-15).–

If professor Gritters or anyone else in the PRCA can point me to other statements which show the denomination allows divorce for abuse, I will be glad to add such information here. In the meantime we are left wondering how Gritters’ articles on it being a sin to forgive someone who is unrepentant squares with insisting that a spouse remain married to an abuser who is unrepentant.

(The Standard Bearer is a publication of the Reformed Free Publishing Association which you can find at rfpa.org)

In the September and December (2022) issues of the Standard Bearer, Professor Barrett Gritters of the Protestant Reformed Theological Seminary wrote parts 1 & 2 (a 3rd to follow) of an article entitled The Sin of Forgiveness. This is how part 2 begins:

Forgiving an impenitent sinner is a sin. Offensive as that may sound – even blasphemous – this is Scripture’s teaching and that of the Reformed Church Order, as we saw last time (Nov. 1, 2022 issue). The automatic and immediate declaration of forgiveness to someone who is not sorry for gross sin is ‘the sin of forgiveness.’

When a 15 year old boy with a rifle murders three of his classmates, it is a sin for the victims’ parents and friends immediately and publicly to say, ‘We forgive you.’ If a father raped his daughter, it would be a sin for the daughter to forgive him immediately and unconditionally, and a worse sin for the rapist father to require her to do so. ‘I forgive you, daddy, even though you aren’t sorry. And since you taught me that to forgive is to forget, I will try to forget what you did, and I promise not to tell anyone else.’ It is not offensive to withhold forgiveness here. It is offensive to grant it.

Yet there are those who believe that anything less than immediate and automatic forgiveness is contrary to biblical principles and violates the essence of grace. For them, those who have been forgiven graciously must also forgive others graciously. Is this not Jesus’ teaching? It seems to make biblical sense until we look at it more carefully.

The key to understanding this is the biblical teaching that forgiveness is not a feeling I have in myself toward a sinner, is not releasing bitterness toward a sinner, is not even a decision not to be angry and to let the sin go. Rather, forgiveness is an audible declaration from the offended one to the offender: ‘I put away your sin; I release you from your debt; I will not deal with you based on your sin or think of you in light of it. I am finished.’ In the case of the impenitent sinner, God does not permit this. Why not?

Indeed, why not? The first reason that comes to my mind is simply this: God Himself never forgives, indeed He cannot forgive, when the sinner is impenitent (unrepentant). As Gritters will go on to say, “God forgives us only when we repent and He withholds it until we do.”

NOTE: Again, I do not understand how these very good teachings about forgiveness by Professor Gritters can be squared with teaching that divorce is never permissible, nor is remarriage after divorce. Even if the denomination teaches divorce is permissible for adultery (which I do not know if they teach or not), this still does not address the cases of abuse as grounds for divorce.

The inexcusable “sin”

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On December 19, 2022

In Abusers, Evil

3Jn 1:9-10 I have written something to the church, but Diotrephes, who likes to put himself first, does not acknowledge our authority. (10) So if I come, I will bring up what he is doing, talking wicked nonsense against us. And not content with that, he refuses to welcome the brothers, and also stops those who want to and puts them out of the church.

This is a very short post because I only need a few words to say what I want to say:

All of the evils that wicked people do are to be excused, forgotten, and forgiven. But the ‘inexcusable’ sin is the one YOU commit when you tell others about those sins.

This is still another example of the wicked person’s double standard.

I will let you all elaborate on this in your comments as I am sure you know this thing quite well.

They Use Your Kindness Against You

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On December 14, 2022

In Abusers

1Co 2:1-2 And I, when I came to you, brothers, did not come proclaiming to you the testimony of God with lofty speech or wisdom. (2) For I decided to know nothing among you except Jesus Christ and him crucified.

2Co 10:10 For they say, “His letters are weighty and strong, but his bodily presence is weak, and his speech of no account.”

You can see from these verses that the Apostle Paul came to Corinth exalting only Christ, not himself. He didn’t blow into town with the intent of wowing them all with his impressive oratory, doing a sales job if you will, to sell them on the gospel. Many preachers today need to repent and take heed to Paul’s words here.

But in the second passage you see how Paul’s genuine humility was turned against him by his enemies and by these fickle Corinthians who seemed all too ready to give heed to deceivers. Because Paul was humble, because his intent was to glorify only Christ and to present the gospel genuinely for the benefit of these Corinthians, his enemies turned Paul’s love into an accusation against him. “His speech is of no account.”

I suspect that most of you have shown real kindness toward those who have oppressed and abused you. How many years do victims of domestic abuse work and work and work to try to appease a wicked spouse. Clean the house. Care for the children. Give compliments. Forgive and even defend. Suffer silently. And how are these kindnesses received?

I can tell you. Sociopaths, abusers, revilers, narcissists, use these kindnesses to abuse further. They see kindness as a weakness. They see love as an opportunity to hurt even further. They accuse the victim of having false motives in doing these kindnesses. They even respond to God’s own mercies and kindnesses toward them in the same way –

Rom 1:21 For although they knew God, they did not honor him as God or give thanks to him, but they became futile in their thinking, and their foolish hearts were darkened.

Why do People Gravitate to the Wicked?

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On December 12, 2022

In Churches/Church Response, Evil

2Ti 4:16-17 At my first defense no one came to stand by me, but all deserted me. May it not be charged against them! (17) But the Lord stood by me and strengthened me, so that through me the message might be fully proclaimed and all the Gentiles might hear it. So I was rescued from the lion’s mouth.

It’s true, isn’t it? Typically people do not stand with the oppressed, but with the oppressor. We see it all the time in different scenarios. Whether it be some kind of whistleblower or a victim of certain kinds of crimes or an abused person who tells what is happening and asks for help…generally the crowd will tend toward the evil one’s side. Why?

I think there are a number of reasons – none of which justify this refusal of justice. These reasons include:

  • People are deceived by the deceiver. Often, abusers are very deceptive, cunning, and convincing. So people are duped by them. The victim is lying, or crazy, and the abuser is such a wonderful Christian (just ask them)
  • It really doesn’t cost anything to side with the abuser. Normally the abuser is the one with money and power. I can’t remember the number of times abuse victims have told me, “he makes a six-figure salary but won’t let me buy things I need.” Being the abuse victim’s ally however, well, that’s a different story. It is costly to be the friend of the friendless.
  • Sometimes those who ally with the wicked do so because they are wicked as well. Those in power can be abusers themselves, for example.
  • And sometimes we (I say we because at one time or another we all have fallen into this trap), sometimes we fail to stand with the victim because our mental paradigm simply cannot compute these evils we call abuse or sociopathy or narcissism. They have not been part of our own experience so we simply don’t “get it.” As long as we remain in this naivete, it will look like the victim is the problem.
  • And in Christian circles, we have so often been handed man-made tradition which is parading as Scripture. It is wrong to divorce. God commands us to forgive and forget. Suffering is our calling. We are sinners too. All of this is fodder upon which the wicked thrive.

But what the Lord commands is that we stand with the orphan, the widow, the oppressed, the downtrodden. If we are naive about evil, then it is long past time that we get a clue and wise up about it. If someone is evil themselves, then they must repent or perish when Christ comes again. If we are carelessly swallowing false teaching that is being spooned up to us, then we had better pull out our Bibles and starting seeing what God really says.

Because He IS coming. He is coming to judge the earth.

There is Just Something Missing…

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On December 5, 2022

In Abusers, Biblical Teaching

1Co 13:2 And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.

Have you ever sensed that some ingredient was missing in food you were eating, but you just couldn’t, as they say, “put your finger on it”? That is a bit how I feel right now in trying to explain what I want to explain.

When I went to seminary, there was something missing (I didn’t know it at the time). At many Christian conferences I have attended, something was missing. I have seen the same void in pastors and in very intelligent people who claim to be Christians and who have a real taste for theology.

I suppose I can best describe the missing ingredient as “the punch line.” In seminary, we studied theology and Greek and Hebrew, we diagrammed Scripture sentences and outlined books of the Bible. We studied church history, counseling, leadership, church organization, and on and on. But in most all of this, there was no punch line.

Let me give you an example of what I mean-

Mat 21:28-31 “What do you think? A man had two sons. And he went to the first and said, ‘Son, go and work in the vineyard today.’ (29) And he answered, ‘I will not,’ but afterward he changed his mind and went. (30) And he went to the other son and said the same. And he answered, ‘I go, sir,’ but did not go. (31) Which of the two did the will of his father?” They said, “The first.” Jesus said to them, “Truly, I say to you, the tax collectors and the prostitutes go into the kingdom of God before you.

“Truly I say to you, the tax collectors and the prostitutes go into the kingdom of God before you.” Punch line. Boom!

God’s Word is powerful, and one of the primary reasons that it is powerful is because God’s prophets, Apostles, and Jesus Himself of course, did not pull their punches. They preached and taught, but then they looked right at their hearers and said, “I am talking to YOU.” When Paul, for instance, was instructing Timothy about leading the local church, he did not leave what he said in the academic, generalized realm. He got specific. He got very pointed. He named names. He warned. He encouraged. That is to say, he made specific, current, very clear application of what he was teaching. Nathan told David, “Thou art the man!” Look through Jesus’ parables – you won’t find one that falls short of this.

In seminary, I never ONCE heard a professor say to these classes of future pastors, “it is very probable that some of you are not born again.” In most all cases, the Scriptures were kept in an elevated, theoretical realm which had application to the biblical personalities (Paul, Timothy, the Pharisees, Alexander, Peter, the Galatians), but never brought right down in the faces of those listening.

What has all of this to do with abusers and narcissists and other wolves hiding in the churches? It has everything to do with this subject. As long as evil is dealt with in a hypothetical, academic manner, as long as professors and pastors and theologians fail to look right into the eyes of those they are teaching and say ‘This Scripture is talking about YOU, and about the churches YOU are in,’ then evil is going to go right on hiding in the pews.

Why are the punches pulled? Why does no one say “Thou are the man!” Because most people don’t want to believe it or hear it. Bring it to light and a quiet, uncomfortable stillness that you can feel will envelop the audience. I know. I’ve done it. And I have felt it.

The Old Testament prophets were hated and killed. Jesus was hated and killed. The Apostles were hated and killed. Paul had to be let down the city wall in a basket. He was stoned. John was sentenced to exile on a rock called Patmos. Because they were whistleblowers about evil.

There just isn’t much whistleblowing going on today.

More Thoughts on Abusers as Trespassers

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On November 30, 2022

In Abusers, Counseling

Rom 14:4 Who are you to pass judgment on the servant of another? It is before his own master that he stands or falls. And he will be upheld, for the Lord is able to make him stand.

I have had the unfortunate experience more than once of being around professing Christians who are boundary violators. They want to control. They want to judge (condemn). They want to tell you what you did wrong. They act as if they were some kind of prophet (or prophetess) on a divine mission to deliver God’s will for me.

These kind typically fancy themselves to be eminent godly saints and they frequently hold some kind of leadership position in a church. They scrutinize you and then begin to instruct. “You are doing this wrong. This is what God wants you to be doing.” That kind of thing.

Way back in 2010 the Lord very obviously called me, as part of the teaching and preaching functions of a pastor, to zero in on the evil of domestic abusers hiding in the churches. Being protected by the churches even. And to help and vindicate their victims. It has been amazing. Here we are going on 13 years later and that ministry goes on. And yet, I have had pastors and other church officers, denominational leaders, and other tell me that this is not God’s will. That our church needs to be doing something else. That our online outreach to victims is not “church.”

What should be our response to such people? The verse quoted above is perfect: who are you to judge the servant of another? It is before his own master that he stands or falls. In other words, “you are trespassing into an area of my life and calling that you have no permission to be in.”

Mark that verse down and remember it. Be prepared the next time one of these types crosses you fence.

Narcissists/Abusers do not Forgive

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On November 23, 2022

In Abusers

Mat 18:26-30 So the servant fell on his knees, imploring him, ‘Have patience with me, and I will pay you everything.’ (27) And out of pity for him, the master of that servant released him and forgave him the debt. (28) But when that same servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred denarii, and seizing him, he began to choke him, saying, ‘Pay what you owe.’ (29) So his fellow servant fell down and pleaded with him, ‘Have patience with me, and I will pay you.’ (30) He refused and went and put him in prison until he should pay the debt.

One primary reason that the Lord tells us things like this:

Mat 6:14-15 For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, (15) but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.

…is because the genuine Christian, having received forgiveness of his own sins, will certainly be ready to forgive others who humbly repent and ask for forgiveness. Jesus does not say these things to us in the commonly abused sense of “you better forgive anyone who sins against you or else!” but rather to demonstrate that biblical forgiveness demonstrates a heart that has been born again by faith in Christ. Therefore, as the Lord says, if someone who claims to be a Christian refuses to forgive someone who asks for their forgiveness in humility and repentance, that hard-hearted person is shown to be a fake.

And these fakes abound in our churches!

Narcissists, abusers, sociopaths – wicked people parading as Christians, inevitably refuse to forgive. Most often the offense they refuse to forgive is not a sin at all, but a violation of the wicked man’s own rule system. But our point here is, that these kind do not forgive.

Why?

Because they have never known the forgiveness of God themselves. They are not born again. They claim to have received much from the Lord but in fact He has not gifted them with salvation due to their hardness of heart. And as a result, the first Scripture cited above applies to them. Their ending will be this:

Mat 18:32-34 Then his master summoned him and said to him, ‘You wicked servant! I forgave you all that debt because you pleaded with me. (33) And should not you have had mercy on your fellow servant, as I had mercy on you?’ (34) And in anger his master delivered him to the jailers, until he should pay all his debt.

Debt re-instated. Loan forgiveness now denied. And how long will it take this wicked man to pay all his debt? Eternity. His sin, unforgiven, sends him to hell.

I believe that the majority of Scriptures which instruct us in this matter of forgiveness actually have primary application to the wicked who are counterfeit Christians, having crept in among us. A real Christian, having experienced the amazing grace and forgiveness of God in Christ, is a new creation who forgives those who humbly ask and who are genuinely repentant. Those who have received much understand that much is required of them. And they gladly and richly give this requirement. Even when those who have sinned grievously against us refuse to repent, we earnestly desire that they come to repentance and we are most certainly willing to forgive if they should do so.

But these evil ones who are gods to themselves (the abusers and narcissists we deal with in this blog) and who demand that others worship them – do not repent. And they do not forgive. You might be tempted at times to go reason with them and plead with them to see and own their sin so that they might be forgiven. But it will be to no avail. They will only use your efforts against you.

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