Unholy Charade - Jeff Crippen

Unmasking the Domestic Abuser in the Church

Author: Jeff Crippen Page 28 of 88

No Excuse for Assuming All are Christians

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On January 18, 2023

In Abusers, Biblical Teaching, Churches/Church Response

Act 8:9-13 But there was a man named Simon, who had previously practiced magic in the city and amazed the people of Samaria, saying that he himself was somebody great. (10) They all paid attention to him, from the least to the greatest, saying, “This man is the power of God that is called Great.” (11) And they paid attention to him because for a long time he had amazed them with his magic. (12) But when they believed Philip as he preached good news about the kingdom of God and the name of Jesus Christ, they were baptized, both men and women. (13) Even Simon himself believed, and after being baptized he continued with Philip. And seeing signs and great miracles performed, he was amazed.

If your Christian experience is like mine, if you were raised in church, then you know that we were generally taught to assume that everyone who claimed to be a Christian was to be accepted as such. In fact, we were taught that to question a person’s claim to Christ was a very judgmental, harsh, and arrogant sin on our part. I suppose this thing could be called a kind of “gaslighting” or “crazy-making” because in being taught all of this, we were taught not to trust our own senses/observations, but to suppress them and accept the party line. And all of this causes great damage. It opens a person up to all kinds of devilish attacks. It even leads to a questioning of God’s Word.

Simon believed. The Bible says so. But of Simon, Peter would say:

Act 8:20-23 But Peter said to him, “May your silver perish with you, because you thought you could obtain the gift of God with money! (21) You have neither part nor lot in this matter, for your heart is not right before God. (22) Repent, therefore, of this wickedness of yours, and pray to the Lord that, if possible, the intent of your heart may be forgiven you. (23) For I see that you are in the gall of bitterness and in the bond of iniquity.”

According to what we were taught, Peter was speaking very cruelly and “un-christian” to poor Simon.

But in fact, Simon the “believer” was a fake. And the Bible shows us many, many more fakes – like Diotrephes, the Jezebel who was tolerated in Thyatira (Rev 2:20), almost the entire first generation of Israelites in the wilderness, Judas, Alexander the coppersmith…and on and on. Think of Jesus’ parable of the soils. Or Jude’s blasting words against the creeps who creep in among us. Or of the fact that the New Testament epistles address on almost every page the counterfeits, the false teachers, the grace abusers, the works righteousness group (see Galatians on that one). How in the world then can it be justified that a local church or Bible college or seminary teaches, overtly or covertly, that a pastor or saint in a church is to approach ministry with the underlying assumption that whoever claims to be a Christian must be accepted as a Christian? Don’t judge, you know.

THIS is a huge part of the reason why domestic abusers LOVE the local church. Why pedophiles and all other kinds of the devil’s agents see the local church as a garden full of delicious fruits to be plucked. It is why YOU who have been targeted by an abuser/narcissist/sociopath were hammered and rejected for daring to separate from such a wicked one. See it? Your abuser in so many cases was and is regarded as a child of God, as a real Christian, as a saint (holy one), in spite of habitual evil. In fact, the habitual evil was suppressed and denied and minimized by those abuse victims go to for help. It is why you were told to shut up about it and why some (many) of you were driven out of the church. You dared to say that “Jezebel” (include male versions under that woman’s name) was not born again!!

Theology DOES matter. Bible doctrine IS vital. And not just confessing it, but believing it and practicing it. Otherwise we are just this:

Mar 7:6-9 And he said to them, “Well did Isaiah prophesy of you hypocrites, as it is written, “‘This people honors me with their lips, but their heart is far from me; (7) in vain do they worship me, teaching as doctrines the commandments of men.’ (8) You leave the commandment of God and hold to the tradition of men.” (9) And he said to them, “You have a fine way of rejecting the commandment of God in order to establish your tradition!

Vengeance is Mine (says the narcissist)

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On January 16, 2023

In Abusers, Narcissist

Est 3:5-6 And when Haman saw that Mordecai did not bow down or pay homage to him, Haman was filled with fury. (6) But he disdained to lay hands on Mordecai alone. So, as they had made known to him the people of Mordecai, Haman sought to destroy all the Jews, the people of Mordecai, throughout the whole kingdom of Ahasuerus.

We recently looked at these verses which show the rage of the abuser/narcissist/reviler when anyone refuses to do their bidding. I wanted to give you two examples which I personally encountered years ago in my pastoral ministry.

The first one we will call Maggie – no, that’s too warm of a name. Let’s try Lucy. Lucy was raised in a pastor’s home and focused her life around the church. She married a man who did the same – after all, what else could he do? Lucy sang solos in church. She realized early on in life that if she was going to see her father much at all, she would need to be his assistant, which she did.

Lucy immediately approached me, volunteering to “serve” in our church by leading a youth ministry, along with her husband. This specific type of ministry required young people to meet each Sunday evening to plan and practice the roles in the ministry. One week, Lucy asked me if my wife could come and help her in the music portion of the youth ministry and my wife agreed when I asked her. Later that day however something important came up that precluded her from helping, so I went instead.

Now, it is Lucy’s reaction that night and the next Sunday night which I want to point out to you. Keep in mind that pretty much everyone in the local churches and community thought Lucy was the finest Christian in town.

When Lucy learned from me that my wife was unable to come but that I would help where I could, Lucy immediately fashioned an indescribable look of disdain and anger on her face. She said in very cold tones, “I designed this entire practice around her coming!”

Then, the next week my wife did come to the practice to help, apologized to Lucy for not making it the previous week, and Lucy looked at her, handed her a music director’s baton and said, “here. It’s all yours.” With that, Lucy walked out.

What was Lucy all about? Vengeance. Revenge. She was going to punish my wife for not doing her bidding and teach her that she better not fail again.

This kind of behavior evidenced itself in Lucy more than once and yet in public, her persona was one of a “servant” who loved Jesus. We knew better however. But guess what, even to this day if you ever tried to tell anyone who thought they knew Lucy who she really was – you would not be believed. Lucy was not born again. The love of God was not in her in spite of the disguise she wore.

Now, I was going to give you a second example of this same kind of person who craves revenge on anyone who “bucks” them. But Lucy is enough for now. Let me just say that years later, hundreds of miles away, I met another woman who by nature could certainly have been Lucy’s twin.

Vengeance is Mine, says the Lord. The Lucy’s in this world would differ. To them, beating down those who don’t obey them is sweet. And you won’t have that hard of a time finding them in local churches.

The Fruit of Thankfulness

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On January 11, 2023

In Abusers, Evil

Col 3:15 And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful.

Psa 100:4 Enter his gates with thanksgiving, and his courts with praise! Give thanks to him; bless his name!

Rom 1:21 For although they knew God, they did not honor him as God or give thanks to him, but they became futile in their thinking, and their foolish hearts were darkened.

This next Sunday morning I plan to preach a sermon on this subject – thankfulness. One of the basic sins of fallen human nature is UN-thankfulness, as you see in Romans 1 quoted above. You see this of course in your children. The moment all of us were born into this world, we were born in sin and we were anything but thankful. A very large part of child-raising is disciplining them to be thankful people.

The devil is not thankful. His children are not thankful. The know that they owe God thanks, but they refuse to give it. Most of you who follow this blog have had the sad experience of having to deal with some class of abuser – a narcissist, a sociopath, a reviler – and some even evidenced all 3 of these evil categories. Such people are not thankful. They are entitled and superior in their thinking. They are OWED, and everyone else should thank them for being the god-like person they insist they are.

There are few things uglier than a person who is ungrateful, unthankful, so self-absorbed that when a kindness is done for them, being thankful doesn’t even enter their minds.

In contrast, a thankful, grateful person is wonderful to know. And one of the foundational fruits which every real Christian’s branches will bear – is thanksgiving. It is inherent within the very being of the new creation. Where it is absent, Christ is absent. The root of the tree is bad.

Another Diotrephes (Named, Haman)

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On January 9, 2023

In Abusers, Evil

Est 3:1-5 After these things King Ahasuerus promoted Haman the Agagite, the son of Hammedatha, and advanced him and set his throne above all the officials who were with him. (2) And all the king’s servants who were at the king’s gate bowed down and paid homage to Haman, for the king had so commanded concerning him. But Mordecai did not bow down or pay homage. (3) Then the king’s servants who were at the king’s gate said to Mordecai, “Why do you transgress the king’s command?” (4) And when they spoke to him day after day and he would not listen to them, they told Haman, in order to see whether Mordecai’s words would stand, for he had told them that he was a Jew. (5) And when Haman saw that Mordecai did not bow down or pay homage to him, Haman was filled with fury.

I find it very, very interesting (and disturbing) that even though the Bible so often shows us narcissists like Diotrephes and this Haman, very few Christians (even in seminary) are taught about such wicked ones. It is a given that we are going to meet up with them in the church (and others places too), but we are tossed out to the wolves with no warning about these kind. It is as if they don’t exist and we are expected not to even think that anyone in the church could possibly be anything but….a Christian. [NOTE: the secular world seems to be wiser than we are about this subject. Just look on Youtube, for instance, and search under “narcissist” and see how this subject is addressed with great frequency there].

But look here at Mordecai and his experience with this murderous, evil emissary of the devil named Haman. It is classic. Haman demands to be worshipped. That is what a narcissist is (or we might call them a sociopath, a psychopath, a reviler, etc. Psychologists would differentiate the terms, but for our purposes we will just go with narcissist for now). Haman DEMANDS that everyone bow down to him and do his bidding. Mordecai does not. The result? Haman was filled with fury.

This is why domestic abusers rage with a murderous rage. Covertly or overtly they seethe with this same kind of fury when someone refuses to be controlled by them. Just say “no,” and the fuse is lit. Sometimes with literal murder as we have seen in the news once again recently.

The book of Esther, if I recall correctly, never names the Lord as the one at work behind the scenes in His perfect sovereign providence to preserve the Jews. But this very silence shouts His presence loudly. Through Esther, brought forward “for such a time as this,” Mordecai and God’s people are delivered. And Haman? Well, his end is the very same destiny his kind will all come to:

Est 7:10 So they hanged Haman on the gallows that he had prepared for Mordecai. Then the wrath of the king abated.

Christ is our Deliverer. His promises to His people are true and certain. Ultimately it is by the shield of faith and the Word of God which is the Sword of the Spirit, that we must take up. Trust Him, no matter how dark the path may be. The Good Shepherd most certainly brings His flock safely through.

The Smirk – A tool of the evil one

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On January 6, 2023

In Abusers

This morning I published a post over at my other blog, lightfordarktimes.com, about a very interesting subject – “The Smirk.” I am posting this announcement here because I wanted to be sure all of you know about it and go on over there to read it. Here is the link

You Have Met this Person – Diotrephes

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On January 3, 2023

In Abusers, Evil

3 John 1:8-10 Therefore we ought to support people like these, that we may be fellow workers for the truth. (9) I have written something to the church, but Diotrephes, who likes to put himself first, does not acknowledge our authority. (10) So if I come, I will bring up what he is doing, talking wicked nonsense against us. And not content with that, he refuses to welcome the brothers, and also stops those who want to and puts them out of the church.

There he is. Diotrephes. The classic narcissist in Scripture (of course there are many more). The chief problem in dealing with such a person is that we don’t really initially understand what they are. They can be a family member, a fellow church member, a pastor, a spouse – people who we assume love us. And many times they do appear to demonstrate love toward us.

But then there are the warning signs – those troubling things such people do or say which just seem, “off.”

Notice in the Scripture above that Diotrephes had a motive in all that he did – he puts himself first. This is what drives him. It is who he is. He believes that he is:

  • Entitled
  • Superior
  • A lord to be served
  • An authority unto himself

He has no empathy. Love is not present in him. He is jealous of anyone he perceives to be a threat to his position. This is why Diotrephes talked “wicked nonsense” about John and it is why he refused to welcome the Lord’s genuine servants in the church. He even threatened anyone who did, and tossed them out of the church.

I cannot even start to tell you how many of these kind I have come across in the churches I have pastored during my 40 years of ministry. And the chief problem for me has been not understanding what these people really were. I assumed they were Christians (though “difficult” people). I assumed they wanted to serve the Lord, that they had the same purpose as I did in the church, etc. I assumed because I did not understand Diotrephes. I was not wise in respect to this evil.

As a result, I still assumed certain things about them even when they said or did things which produced that unsettled “something isn’t right here” feeling in me. In other words, I covered for them. I made excuses for them to myself and sometimes even to other people.

  • Diotrephes is basically a good Christian. He can be difficult at times but….
  • He struggles with sin like all of us and sometimes he seems to be prideful
  • He had a bad upbringing and so he wrestles with shame

But what was the truth? What is Diotrephes, really? He is:

  • A person who demands to be praised and worshipped
  • He is a person with NO empathy or love
  • He is a person who will tolerate NO perceived threat to his position
  • He is a phony. His persona is a false front to dupe people into thinking, “boy! that Diotrephes is the godliest man in the whole church.”
  • He is intensely vengeful when anyone shines light upon his real nature
  • He covertly communicates to those around him that he will tolerate no dissenting opinion

Only when we understand who Diotrephes really is can we properly deal with him. John knew what he was and he announced to the church that when he arrived he was going to publicly expose this wicked man and you can bet that Diotrephes ultimately left the church, breathing threats and blame, and went right down the road to reboot his “ministry” among others who were naive about his kind.

More Followup on the Earlier Post about “The Sin of Forgiveness”

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On December 26, 2022

In Abusers, Churches/Church Response

Recently I posted excerpts from an article on the subject of forgiveness where there is no repentance, written by Professor Barry Gritters and published in 3 sections in The Standard Bearer. Gritters is on faculty at Protestant Reformed Theological Seminary. A friend who subscribes to that publication showed me Gritters’ articles and when I read the first two I was impressed his position. I also thought that Gritters articles would be an encouragement to abuse victims because they stated that it is wrong, even a sin, to extend forgiveness to someone who is unrepentant.

However, one of our readers (many thanks to them) pointed out to me that the denomination Gritters is with is not a friendly environment for abuse victims. Checking the Protestant Reformed Churches in America website I learned that their position is: “the church should, and can, oppose the evil of divorce and remarriage in her communion .” And looking into the matter further, I found that Gritters delivered a message on November 3, 2022 on the subject of “Confusion About Forgiveness,” which raised some red flags for me. He said:

Since God pursues me and is my perfect example, what attitude should I then have toward my abuser if, number one, he is not sorry and if, number two, he’s ungodly? May I desire justice or must one seek that person’s salvation? A lot of questions in that big question. What should my attitude be towards someone who hurt me if he’s not sorry? Well, your attitude always needs to be the same: love, desire for good, tenderhearted, an inclination to mercy always. That doesn’t mean that you don’t seek justice, you turn justice over to the authorities, you give justice over to God, to the elders, but you always seek their good. If they’re not sorry, the way of Matthew 18 is there. You may desire justice and you must seek that person’s salvation. Those aren’t contradictory. [See sermonaudio.com/graceprc and find the entire message delivered November 3, 2022 at Grace Protestant Reformed Church]

Now, looking into the matter further, I found more teaching on marriage, divorce, and remarriage by Professor Gritters. Here is what he said:

Those who remarry, while their original spouse still lives, are living in continual adultery. Repentance from that sin is to leave the new spouse and remain unmarried, or be reconciled to the original spouse (I Corinthians 7:11). Reconciliation must be prayed for, sought out, zealously, for God’s sake and the children’s.

The Family: Foundations are Shaking, http://www.prca.org/articles/family/family_12.html

And again:

Who does not grieve for and weep with the little children whose hearts are pierced with the terror of fighting and separating parents? Who knows better than they the agonizing results of failing to live in marriage as God commands? Pray for the children! Besides the care for the children, Jesus prohibits divorce because unbiblical divorce lures the divorced spouse to commit adultery by sex outside of marriage, or by remarrying (see Matthew 5:32 and the next chapter, 12, “God’s Will Concerning Remarriage”). What a misery all this causes those who live apart from God’s will!

http://www.prca.org/articles/family/family_11.html

The latter articles were written in 1998. If Professor Gritters has changed his position and has announced that change publicly somewhere, I would be glad to hear from him. However, these teachings of his are still standing in a public forum – and they are incredibly damaging. Gritters condemns all who have divorced and remarried (except for adultery) as adulterers. He insists that such people must separate from one another and remain unmarried as long as their original spouse lives.

How does such a position correlate with Gritters’ articles on “The Sin of Forgiveness” where he correctly writes that not even God forgives an unrepentant person? I certainly cannot mesh these teachings together logically. A spouse who is an abuser and who is unrepentant is not to be forgiven, yet the victim is required to remain married to them and to seek their salvation??

Furthermore, where in Scripture are we told that the Lord requires an abuse victim to seek the permission of the church/elders in order to divorce? It is nowhere to be found. No, I am not promoting divorce. Divorce for spurious, selfish reasons is a sin. But that is not what we are addressing here. We are talking about cases in which an abuser spouse walks in unrepentance, often is a sociopath or narcissist, who is a danger to the health and safety of his victim, craves power and control over her and has no conscience about using as assortment of evil tactics to obtain and maintain that power and control. To be free of such abuse is a good thing and it is a good thing for the children as well.

I have encountered this kind of teaching and the kind of teachers in churches who teach such things numerous times in the past. They create an environment in the church much like that of the Pharisees. They lord it over the flock. They claim to have authority that God has not given them. They mishandle Scripture and use it to support unmerciful applications of the Word that God never intends.

Each time I have had to deal with these kinds of leaders in the church, I have been blasted. The fangs come out. The accusations start to fly. Or I am simply dismissed as someone of no importance, not worthy of being given any consideration. The necessary fruit required by the Lord for all of the fig trees in His vineyard is LOVE. But I rarely ever find that fruit in church leaders who teach and enforce these notions that marriage is an unbreakable bond, that remarriage is forbidden, and in this case a particularly radical and damaging teaching that a husband and wife in a remarriage are required to separate from one another and live out their lives single. Think about that.

For example, I know people who are divorced and who have remarried many years ago. They are Christians, showing growth in Christ. They did not divorce for superficial reasons. Their ex-spouse destroyed the marriage covenant by ongoing unrepentant sin, violating the marriage vows. A husband who refuses to work and provide for his wife and children. A wife who denied the faith and embraced New Age groups and teaching and despised Christ and her husband. In all these cases and more, “no divorce, no remarriage, dissolve any subsequent marriage and remain single” is the demand of these kind of teachers. And make no mistake, such churches will ex-communicate any member who refuses to follow their demands. The Protestant Reformed Church in America is certainly not a safe place for victims of abuse and in fact I would not recommend it to anyone else.

Some Additional Information about my previous post on The Sin of Forgiveness

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On December 23, 2022

In Abusers

I have made some additions to this week’s post referring to Professor Gritter’s articles on it being a sin to forgive someone who is unrepentant. You can go here to read my revised post. It is important to be aware of these new facts and we thank LB for commenting and pointing out these things to me.

The Sin of Forgiveness

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On December 21, 2022

In Biblical Teaching

NOTE: Subsequent to writing this post, a commenter (LB, see her comment below) tipped us off to the fact that Professor Gritter’s denomination, the Protestant Reformed Churches in America, has a doctrine of divorce, marriage, and remarriage, that does not accord with Professor Gritter’s article summarized here in this post. I asked him for comment but essentially he replied, “no comment.” Here is the denomination’s statement on their own website (prca.org) –

Among the practical implications of this covenant view, in the thinking of the PRC, is the calling of the church to promote and defend marriage, the earthly symbol of the covenant between Christ and the Church (cf. Ephesians 5:22ff.), as a life-long unbreakable bond – broken and dissolved only by God in death. On this basis, the church should, and can, oppose the evil of divorce and remarriage in her communion — an evil that devastates Protestant churches today, angers God, and disgusts godly men and women. Thus also, the family is safeguarded for the sake of the godly rearing of the children, who are included in the covenant (Malachi 2:14-16; Matthew 19:3-15).–

If professor Gritters or anyone else in the PRCA can point me to other statements which show the denomination allows divorce for abuse, I will be glad to add such information here. In the meantime we are left wondering how Gritters’ articles on it being a sin to forgive someone who is unrepentant squares with insisting that a spouse remain married to an abuser who is unrepentant.

(The Standard Bearer is a publication of the Reformed Free Publishing Association which you can find at rfpa.org)

In the September and December (2022) issues of the Standard Bearer, Professor Barrett Gritters of the Protestant Reformed Theological Seminary wrote parts 1 & 2 (a 3rd to follow) of an article entitled The Sin of Forgiveness. This is how part 2 begins:

Forgiving an impenitent sinner is a sin. Offensive as that may sound – even blasphemous – this is Scripture’s teaching and that of the Reformed Church Order, as we saw last time (Nov. 1, 2022 issue). The automatic and immediate declaration of forgiveness to someone who is not sorry for gross sin is ‘the sin of forgiveness.’

When a 15 year old boy with a rifle murders three of his classmates, it is a sin for the victims’ parents and friends immediately and publicly to say, ‘We forgive you.’ If a father raped his daughter, it would be a sin for the daughter to forgive him immediately and unconditionally, and a worse sin for the rapist father to require her to do so. ‘I forgive you, daddy, even though you aren’t sorry. And since you taught me that to forgive is to forget, I will try to forget what you did, and I promise not to tell anyone else.’ It is not offensive to withhold forgiveness here. It is offensive to grant it.

Yet there are those who believe that anything less than immediate and automatic forgiveness is contrary to biblical principles and violates the essence of grace. For them, those who have been forgiven graciously must also forgive others graciously. Is this not Jesus’ teaching? It seems to make biblical sense until we look at it more carefully.

The key to understanding this is the biblical teaching that forgiveness is not a feeling I have in myself toward a sinner, is not releasing bitterness toward a sinner, is not even a decision not to be angry and to let the sin go. Rather, forgiveness is an audible declaration from the offended one to the offender: ‘I put away your sin; I release you from your debt; I will not deal with you based on your sin or think of you in light of it. I am finished.’ In the case of the impenitent sinner, God does not permit this. Why not?

Indeed, why not? The first reason that comes to my mind is simply this: God Himself never forgives, indeed He cannot forgive, when the sinner is impenitent (unrepentant). As Gritters will go on to say, “God forgives us only when we repent and He withholds it until we do.”

NOTE: Again, I do not understand how these very good teachings about forgiveness by Professor Gritters can be squared with teaching that divorce is never permissible, nor is remarriage after divorce. Even if the denomination teaches divorce is permissible for adultery (which I do not know if they teach or not), this still does not address the cases of abuse as grounds for divorce.

The inexcusable “sin”

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On December 19, 2022

In Abusers, Evil

3Jn 1:9-10 I have written something to the church, but Diotrephes, who likes to put himself first, does not acknowledge our authority. (10) So if I come, I will bring up what he is doing, talking wicked nonsense against us. And not content with that, he refuses to welcome the brothers, and also stops those who want to and puts them out of the church.

This is a very short post because I only need a few words to say what I want to say:

All of the evils that wicked people do are to be excused, forgotten, and forgiven. But the ‘inexcusable’ sin is the one YOU commit when you tell others about those sins.

This is still another example of the wicked person’s double standard.

I will let you all elaborate on this in your comments as I am sure you know this thing quite well.

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