Unmasking the Domestic Abuser in the Church

Author: Jeff Crippen Page 18 of 88

Why do we Pretend?

1Sa 2:22-23 Now Eli was very old; and he heard all that his sons were doing to all Israel, and how they lay with the women who served at the doorway of the tent of meeting. (23) He said to them, “Why do you do such things, the evil things that I hear from all these people?

Eli’s sons were extremely wicked, so much so that eventually the Lord killed them. But this evil had gone on for a long, long time. Even here in his old age, Eli still didn’t take the action God required of him. He weakly said, “Why do you boys do such things?” Eventually, the Lord severely rebuked Eli:

1Sa 2:29 ‘Why do you kick at My sacrifice and at My offering which I have commanded in My dwelling, and honor your sons above Me, by making yourselves fat with the choicest of every offering of My people Israel?’

Eli was guilty. He actually had been participating in their sins because he was honoring his sons above the Lord.

Now there are some parallels here which we ourselves need to face up to. When we are in a relationship of some type (marriage, friendship, etc) with a RASN (reviler, abuser, sociopath, narcissist), we most often pretend. By this, I mean that we overlook, we deny, we assume, we excuse. I have done this far more often than I would like to admit and I bet most of you have too.

Now, there may well have also been elements of commendable motives in this pretending (ie, pretending that things aren’t so bad or that the red flags are imaginary) – commendable motives such as patience, love, forgiveness, and so on. But when the problem exists because we are dealing with a RASN, this all becomes pretending. Living a fiction – a lie, if you will. So, why is this? Why do we pretend?

I can tell you why I have pretended in the past – 1) I was naive as to the nature of evil – and this evil is so deceptive I didn’t see it, 2) I didn’t want to believe the person was a RASN, 3) I almost subconsciously realized that to confront the person would result in a blowup, a war – because RASN’s are always sending out wavelengths of “don’t ever cross me or say anything negative about me, or else,” 4) there were benefits to the relationship which would certainly dissolve if I didn’t keep up the pretense, 5)…….you can probably add to the list yourself.

It is not an easy thing to admit that a person who we believed was our friend, who we thought loved us, and who we depended upon for many things, is in fact wicked. A counterfeit. That the “love” was just a fiction and that if we confront the person with the evidence we have been ignoring for a long time, we are going to suffer great loss. Loss of friendship. Loss of perhaps even custody of children. Loss of our job. Loss of friendships of other people.

So is it any wonder that we pretend? Eli knew, and yet he pretended. And in the end he and his sons perished. Eli participated in his sons’ sin. I have known pastors’ wives who chose to pretend rather than to confront the hypocrisy and abuse of their husband. In so doing, they eventually become participants in the hypocrisy.

I have been guilty of this kind of pretending in years past. I have not said, for example, “you are trespassing in my life. You are violating the boundaries of my personhood by trying to have power and control which you have no right to.” With the Lord’s help, I do not intend to keep doing that.

Trust in the Lord at all Times

Luk 18:7-8 And will not God give justice to his elect, who cry to him day and night? Will he delay long over them? (8) I tell you, he will give justice to them speedily. Nevertheless, when the Son of Man comes, will he find faith on earth?”

Standing for Christ in a wicked world where RASNs (revilers, abusers, sociopaths, narcissists) and and all sorts of evil abound can be a lonely affair. In fact, we can be assured that it will be. In Noah’s day the church numbered, 8! And before Noah had children he lived for 500 years. In those days the church numbered, most probably, ONE! But Noah persevered in faith as the Lord sustained him.

Here are some great words from John Calvin for just such times as the days of Noah –

We need to note that we should not seek, as the world sees it, great solemnity or ostentation (ie, pretentious displays of wealth and glitter to impress others) in the church. And if on occasion the church is hidden and seems to be trodden under foot and we do not know where to find it, we must not be troubled or offended by that. Why not? Let us allow God to work in His own way. And let us not doubt that He will always keep for himself some people in whose midst He will be worshiped and served.

Calvin’s Sermons on Genesis, Banner of Truth Trust

There have been many times in history, and even at present, when we would think that there was no hope for the church. But God maintains and preserves His church – always. Here is Calvin again:

Therefore, let us put that teaching into practice when it pleases God to let the world go its way, and everyone is like wild animals, when all reject both bridle and yoke, when rebellion in the order of the day and they even throw themselves wildly into evil as if wanting to wage war against God and serve Satan.

When we see all those things taking place and we do not know where to look for faithful believers to keep fellowship with, let us always be convinced that God will take care of His church. So let us not linger among the vast majority. Let us not seek out what looks good; rather let us be content that God will not permit the church to be completely wiped out and that He will preserve some remnant for Himself.

ibid

Very fitting and appropriate words for us today. Elijah thought he was the only one left of God’s people. He was wrong. Seven thousand more had refused to bow to Baal.

Satan is the Deceiver

Joh 8:44 You are of your father the devil, and your will is to do your father’s desires. He was a murderer from the beginning, and does not stand in the truth, because there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks out of his own character, for he is a liar and the father of lies.

I have written on this subject numerous times in the past but it really cannot be repeated too often. Satan is a murderer and a liar. Not just a liar such as we think of someone being a liar. But the devil has NO truth in him. So that when he speaks, when his lips are moving, he is lying. Every time. And he gives birth to lies – he is the father of lies.

The Lord Jesus told his enemies that they were the children of the devil. That this liar was their father and therefore they operate in harmony with his nature, which they share.

RASNs (revilers, abusers, sociopaths, narcissists) lie. They lie all the time. As hypocrites they wear a lying disguise. When they gaslight someone, they are lying. Whey they accuse, they are lying. And we must wise up to this. You know the typical scenario in churches, for example. The RASN is believed and his victim is rejected. “Oh, I just cannot believe that he would do such things. I know him.” But you don’t know him. You only know the fake persona he presents.

RASNs can look right at the camera, crocodile tears streaming down their face, and lie. “Please, please help me find my wife,” he sobs. “I can’t go on without her.” And the truth? He murdered her and hid her body someplace. But people are taken in by his lies. Even when he is found out, there are people who still refuse to believe the undeniable evidence of his guilt.

RASNs lie. They speak, and they lie. If you aren’t wise, you will end the conversation just absolutely convinced that the thing is the victim’s fault, that the RASN is an eminently holy saint and he (or she) is the one who is the victim.

Joel Ripkin was a serial killer in the New York area. He murdered 17 women over quite a few years until he was finally caught driving on the highway with #17 in a tarp in the back of his pickup. He never showed any remorse at all. He calmly recounted the horrors he had committed. No empathy. No conscience.

The RASNs we encounter may not be serial killers, but they share the very same lying, murderous spirit of their father the devil. We MUST come to realize that a person can look right at you, calm and collected, and every word coming out of their mouth be a lie.

The Destructiveness of Selfish Ambition

Gal 5:25-26 If we live by the Spirit, let us also keep in step with the Spirit. (26) Let us not become conceited, provoking one another, envying one another.

RASNs (Revilers, Abusers, Sociopaths, Narcissists) are driven by what the Apostle Paul calls, in the old term, “vain glory.” Pride. Selfish ambition. And he warns us against it more than once.

Php 2:3 Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves.

Those who walk in this evil sin, who are characterized by it, seek a glory for themselves that is a vain glory. Empty. Listen to John Calvin on it in a sermon on this text:

In Scripture, all glorying is seen as vain and perverse, if men are seeking esteem for themselves by it. Pagans use the term ‘vainglory’ to refer to a poor fool who is trying to pass for a clever man, or a poor rascal who is pretending to be a rich man – when a man who is neither dextrous, hard-working, nor hones to any degree, wants to be arrogant and to play at being a wise man. When people deform and disguise themselves to this extent to deceive others, the pagans call this kind of glory vain and foolish.

But the Holy Spirit goes even further than this. He says that even if we have intelligent minds, or abundant wealth, or great virtue, or all that is possible to have to gain renown, and we take the credit for it ourselves, then our boasting is vain. Why? Because it is sacrilegious to rob God of the honor that is rightfully his.

John Calvin, Sermons on Galatians, Banner of Truth***

RASNs, for all of their counterfeit disguise as pious saints which so many of them wear, are astonishingly destructive. Why? Because they are driven by the foolish and evil craving to be exalted above others. It is, as Calvin says, “the deadliest plague that a person who is entrusted with the responsibility to teach others could ever have.” And he adds:

When people push themselves forward in society like this, and seek to be famous and to be applauded by men, it is impossible for them not to abandon themselves to all kinds of evil.

Ibid

“…to all kinds of evil.” This is the RASN’s fruit. Evil of all kinds. But just try to warn such a person against the snare of this trap. What they really are will soon be evident. If you are dealing with a real Christian who is on the precipice of falling to this selfish ambition, they will be convicted, repent, and thank you. But most commonly what we see is fangs when we point out a person’s vain glorying. To the RASN, you are nothing more than a supply for their ego and if you dare cease to give them praise or to call them to accounts, you will be met with murderous hatred. This is why Scripture tells us:

Gal 5:15 But if you bite and devour one another, watch out that you are not consumed by one another.

It is all vanity, this evil selfish ambition. And one day every RASN is going to find out just how vain and empty his/her entire life has been. Standing before the Lord, the RASN will even attempt to use his Creator as a supply of praise for himself. It isn’t going to work.

Mat 7:22-23 On that day many will say to me, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and cast out demons in your name, and do many mighty works in your name?’ (23) And then will I declare to them, ‘I never knew you; depart from me, you workers of lawlessness.’

***By the way, if you would really come to know the real John Calvin, read his sermons. He is well-known for his commentaries on almost the entire Bible, but his sermons really reveal his heart and I have grown to appreciate him greatly. Start with his sermons on Ephesians. You can find that volume at Banner of Truth Trust online.

When Abnormal becomes Normal

Pro 4:19 The way of the wicked is like deep darkness; they do not know over what they stumble.

Sin has a blinding aspect to it. Its way is called “darkness” in the Bible. Sinners are blind to God’s truth. They are comfortable in the darkness, away from the light of the Lord, even though that darkness will be their ruin.

We live in a fallen, sinful world. This world is not normal. It isn’t what it was when the Lord created it. But because this world is all we have known, we grow accustomed to its darkness.

I primarily want to consider this in respect to Christians – to us who know the Lord. What was the family like which you grew up in? Christian, non-Christian? Functional, dysfunctional? I grew up in a professing Christian home (though my father never once spoke to me about the Lord, nor did I ever hear him pray). We went to church rather regularly and I heard the gospel, making a profession of Christ when I was about 8 years old.

But my family of origin was botched. My parents weren’t really Christians, though if pressed my father would claim to be. We didn’t communicate. There was never any parental instruction in the Lord and as a result I learned by unspoken example that to talk about the Lord was an embarrassment. Talk about anything else pretty much, but nothing of real import. There was no real instruction in righteousness, only anger and punishment if I did something wrong. And I did do plenty wrong.

Now, here is the point – I grew up believing without question that my family was normal. I cannot ever recall thinking, “our family is really messed up.” My sister and I fought. Everyone pretty much just went their own way through the day and spent the evenings still in our own little worlds. I remember my mother asking me a question one evening in the living room and I responded with the classic, “I dunno.” Something like “what did you do today?” “I dunno.” “But you must know what you did.” “I dunno.” My dad got rather riled and correctly observed, “he just doesn’t want to talk!” Which was true. But what they didn’t get is that they had taught this to me. By their example they taught me to never divulge too much about myself. If I had a crush on a girl, for instance, I would NEVER have told them. Why? Because I would be made fun of. So this was as I said, a botched family.

But I thought it was normal. After all, it was all the family I had known.

And here is the danger of this business – the abnormal, even the wicked, can over time become our normal. This has happened to many of you in a marriage for instance. You lived so close to that evil abuse, you just figured this was a normal marriage. Evil is blinding. If I, for instance, could go back in a time machine to a date when you were still in that abusive marriage, in its first half let’s say, and if I told you that you were being abused, you might even be offended. Why? Because you thought things were normal. They weren’t.

When we have RASNs in our lives, doing their evil reviling, abusing, sociopathing, and narcissicing, we most typically can remain blind to it for a long time. The abnormal becomes normal. RASNs depend upon this. They know exactly what they are doing and they will do all they can to push it off on us as normal.

I Believe in God the Father, Almighty

2Th 2:9-10 The coming of the lawless one is by the activity of Satan with all power and false signs and wonders, (10) and with all wicked deception for those who are perishing, because they refused to love the truth and so be saved.

When we consider the attributes of God, we soon come to that of His omnipotence. He is God All-mighty, maker of heaven and earth. He speaks, He wills, and it is done. Light comes into being out of darkness. From nothing, He created all that is. Merely by the power of His Word. By that Word the universe is held together (see Colossians 1) and our very life finds its source in Him. God has this infinite power, and by it He rules His universe. He decrees all that comes to pass and it comes to pass because He decreed it. As Paul told the Athenian philosophers, it is in Him that we move and exist and have our being. If God were to cease to exist for even a nanosecond (an impossibility of course), the universe would be no more.

Now, when the sinner covets this power and control for himself, he is headed down that same path Satan traveled so long ago, and still pursues today. Power. That is what he wants. Control, sovereignty, to be worshipped as God. This craving is really at the root of all sin, which is lawlessness. “I will make my own law and disregard the Law of God.” That is the twisted reasoning of sin.

Why do RASNs (revilers, abusers, sociopaths, narcissists) do what they do? For power. For control. They do their deeds of evil because, like their father the devil, they want to be God. To be worshipped. To be served. They are a law, as the saying goes, to themselves. When you are the target of a RASN, you can be sure of this. Their foundational motivation is to be God to you. To have omnipotence and sovereignty over you. If you examine the tactics of RASNs – the gaslighting, the double standards, the raging, assaulting, isolating, depriving – all of it has at its root this demand for power and control. This insistence upon being God.

And this is why one of the best ways to detect a RASN in a relationship (in marriage, in the workplace, in the church…) is to watch for this exercising of power and control in arenas where there is no right to have it. Under the disguise of “biblical saintliness” for example, a man might dictate to his wife how much, to the dollar, she is allowed to spend on groceries or clothing for the kids. He may insist that she have his permission to have a friend or to…well, to do just about anything. I have seen such a man actually tell his wife that she needed to come with him now, rather than go to the restroom in the store. HE will tell her when she can go!

Power and control. Power and control. I am God, you are my servant. If you fail to serve, I will punish you.

I have said before (and the observation is certainly not original with me) that RASNs are trespassers. They violate personal boundaries and work to break down personhood in others. This is why, in this evil world, we need to learn about boundaries and personhood. We need to realize, when it happens, that a person is trespassing into an area of our life where they have no right to be. As a pastor, I have had just such a person attempt to dictate to me where I am allowed to buy a house, what I am to preach, how I am to relate to others, and so on. And these people are always ready to punish when they perceive that they aren’t being obeyed. These kind are not rare. They are everywhere. Virtually every church has one or more.

Stories abound of women (less often, but sometimes, men) being murdered by their spouse when the woman realized she had to get out of the marriage. So wickedly intense is the RASNs insistence upon power and control, he will rather kill her than lose that power over her. It happens daily. This is why people who are in the know about domestic violence warn that leaving is a dangerous time. Even for the children. So satanic are such people that sometimes they will rather murder the children as well rather than see them in the custody of their mother. This power and control dynamic is what is at the root of these ongoing court battles of child custody. The RASN MUST win. They really don’t care about the children.

The Apostle John was wise to this business:

3Jn 1:9-10 I have written something to the church, but Diotrephes, who likes to put himself first, does not acknowledge our authority. (10) So if I come, I will bring up what he is doing, talking wicked nonsense against us. And not content with that, he refuses to welcome the brothers, and also stops those who want to and puts them out of the church.

It is long past time that we were wise to it as well.

Superiority and Entitlement are Demonic

Jas 3:14-16 But if you have bitter jealousy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast and be false to the truth. (15) This is not the wisdom that comes down from above, but is earthly, unspiritual, demonic. (16) For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there will be disorder and every vile practice.

Most all of us know now that RASNs (revilers, abusers, sociopaths, narcissists) regard themselves as better. As superior. As entitled. Everyone else is inferior, undeserving, and certainly not better. That is how these children of the devil think. This is what drives their actions and words.

The truth is that ALL of us enter this world dead in sin, hostile to God, selfish, and fleshly. Only by the new birth in Christ can we be set free of that old man and the devil. But the person who is propelled by bitter jealousy and selfish ambition (the RASN), that kind of person is demonic. Fleshly. Devoid of the Spirit. They create chaos, disorder, and their practices are vile. They may disguise themselves as a child of God, but in fact they are servants of Satan.

This is why James warns us so carefully about this business. He tells us to first look to ourselves and understand that we were born in sin just like all the rest. Paul reiterates the same in Ephesians 2. We must not exalt ourselves above our brethren in Christ. But just think carefully – how many professing Christians in your church (or in your past church) exalted themselves. There is that professional man who regards himself as far above the blue collar worker. Or that attorney. Or the lady with all the Bible answers – head of women’s ministries. This disease is ubiquitous. (Had to use that word. I think it means everywhere).

What right do any of us have to see ourselves as better than our fellow believers? And Scripture is warning us that if this arrogant superiority is the pattern of life in a person, that person is animated by demons. No, that is not an overstatement. It is what God’s Word says.

One of the things we watch for in our church now, having learned hard lessons, is that a true Christian, led by the Spirit, is humble. They look to serve others out of real love. They are teachable. They are open to biblical correction. They are not divisive – quite the contrary.

Here then is a really excellent biblical test to see if someone who claims to be a Christian, really is. Just watch for this demonic “wisdom” which is from below. Watch for that jealousy and selfish ambition. These things are some of the very earliest warning signs that someone is not at all what they appear to be.

Satan’s Disguise

2Co 11:14-15 And no wonder, for even Satan disguises himself as an angel of light. (15) So it is no surprise if his servants, also, disguise themselves as servants of righteousness. Their end will correspond to their deeds.

We will all do well in remembering and taking to heart these words of Scripture.

When an evil person is exposed after wearing a disguise of godliness or perhaps of just seeming to be “the nicest guy you would ever meet,” reactions are typically the same. “I would never have guessed.” “I just cannot believe it.” “This is not the person I knew.” Many still refuse to believe they have been duped even when the evidence is undeniable.

Christ’s people are supposed to be wise about many things, including the existence and tactics of evil. But so often that is not the case. Evil creeps in among us and operates secretly, working to destroy. Lying. Deceiving. Oppressing. Dividing. All the while disguised as a “servant of righteousness.” God has plainly warned us. Of all people, we as Christ’s servants should not be the ones who keep saying, “I just cannot believe it.”

Over and over again, I have seen these wicked ones deceive their way right up to the top positions in churches, denominations, and parachurch ministries. The trail of destruction in terms of peoples’ lives is far-reaching. As the Apostle Paul said, they “cause the Gentiles to blaspheme” the name of Christ because they work their evil disguised as upstanding Christians.

We need to stop showing partiality in the church. We need to cease from exalting human beings. Paul himself wouldn’t stand for people trying to worship him (see 1 Cor 2:1ff). When we refuse to be the ego supply to disguised wicked ones, their true colors will soon be revealed. Either they will leave to go out looking for easier targets, or their fangs will come out when we refuse to feed their lust for self-glory. Either way, they are exposed.

Humility Does not mean no Self-confidence

Num 16:8-11 And Moses said to Korah, “Hear now, you sons of Levi: (9) is it too small a thing for you that the God of Israel has separated you from the congregation of Israel, to bring you near to himself, to do service in the tabernacle of the LORD and to stand before the congregation to minister to them, (10) and that he has brought you near him, and all your brothers the sons of Levi with you? And would you seek the priesthood also? (11) Therefore it is against the LORD that you and all your company have gathered together. What is Aaron that you grumble against him?”

Num 12:3 Now the man Moses was very meek, more than all people who were on the face of the earth.

The genuine Christian desires to be humble. Sometimes we fail, but the Lord enables us to repent of our pride and we return to humility. Humility is acknowledging who we are and who God is. It is to reject sinful pride and refuse to think more highly of ourselves than we ought. The person who is characterized by pride is simply not one of Christ’s people.

But humility does not mean that we have no spiritual backbone. You see this in the Scriptures above. Moses was the most humble man on the face of the earth! Incredible statement. But when Korah decided to launch this rebellion against the Lord, Moses stood his ground and spoke for the Lord, just as Paul opposed Peter to his face. Our greatest model of humility of course is the Lord Jesus Himself-

Php 2:8 And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross.

RASNs (revilers, abusers, sociopaths, narcissists) trespass on our boundaries. We have rightful boundaries. That is to say, we have the right to, for instance, our own opinions, to our preferences, to be individual persons. All within the bounds of the Lord’s Word of course, but we have these lines which other people have no right to deny us. RASNs do. They are boundary trespassers.

Just because we are humble does not mean that we permit the wicked to cross or destroy those boundaries. We know this because Moses stood right up to Korah. And the Lord Jesus got right in the face of the wicked many times.

One of the deceptions of Satan is that he sends his emissaries to us and they insist that we always conform to their opinions, their preferences, and thus to cast away our own individuality and personhood. It happened right off in Eden and it still happens today.

So don’t make the mistake of thinking that Godly humility requires acquiescing (fancy word for caving in) to the RASN. It doesn’t. And in this sense the most humble person is the most courageous.

Let me give you a classic example which I have probably told you before. Over 20 years ago when our church still had quite a few RASNs in it, one particular “holiest of the holy saints” accused me of “distancing myself from my flock” when we were enabled through a modest inheritance to purchase our own home instead of living next door to the church building in the church parsonage. Our new home was further away. He went on to say, “now you will be way over there by yourself without any accountability.” What horrid wickedness!! I pity the church he is now.

False humility produced by the RASN’s boundary trespassing would respond with, “perhaps you are right. Maybe I shouldn’t have done that. I’m sorry.” I didn’t say that, but neither did I speak up against this evil as strongly as I should have. Back then I still didn’t understand all of this kind of evil. And I must say it still can catch me off guard today. I kick myself when it does.

What does humility say in such a situation? Something like – “I have every right, just like any of you all, to buy a home and choose what place it is in. (It was only 20 minutes away from the church building). You have no right to trespass on my personhood in this manner and I call you to repent of it.” Because real humility is courageous and stands for truth.

So Easy to be Carried Away by the Enemy if we are not on Guard

Gal 2:13 And the rest of the Jews acted hypocritically along with him, so that even Barnabas was led astray by their hypocrisy.

Peter had yielded to the false teachers who had crept in among the churches of Galatia, withdrawing from the Gentiles for fear of the Jews. Paul admonished him to his face and showed how he was being a hypocrite and denying the gospel. Thankfully the Lord granted Peter repentance.

Notice that Paul says, “so that even Barnabas was led astray by their hypocrisy.” Barnabas was a faithful, genuine believer. He was gift with encouragement. And yet even he had begun to be led down that lying path which would add works of the Law to the gospel. Even Barnabas was led astray! Even him!

In this we must learn that our enemy is very crafty. He so often comes in religious garb, in the form of “eminent” saints. There is no lack of them in our own day. Without even knowing it, we can be seduced by them and start thinking falsely. Unless, of course, we take to heart Peter’s own words (of all people, Peter learned this lesson the hard way) –

1Pe 5:8 Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.

In part, this is the reason pastors and church members so often fall for the wicked person’s lies. Here is this man or woman who is such a pillar in our church. He is reputed as such in the community. He has what seems to be a depth of biblical knowledge. Or here is this guest speaker at a conference, for instance, introduced as “lead pastor of XXXX church and author of scores of books.” We ooh and ahh. We want his autograph. We soak up his every word. But this is not being sober-minded and watchful. It is spiritual carelessness and if the Lord is merciful and brings us to our senses, we may have been in this idolatrous slumber for years.

Put your own name in Paul’s sentence – “so that even ________ was led astray.” Do NOT be a respecter of persons. Do not show partiality. It just amazes me today how many professing Christians so easily fall for the enemy’s lies. It’s as if….could it be?…..they never really read their Bibles.

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