Unholy Charade - Jeff Crippen

Unmasking the Domestic Abuser in the Church

Author: Jeff Crippen Page 18 of 85

The First Time You Realized Your RASN Never Loved You

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On August 7, 2023

In Abusers, Narcissist, RASN

Gen 4:8 Cain spoke to Abel his brother. And when they were in the field, Cain rose up against his brother Abel and killed him.

Do you suppose that Abel thought Cain loved him? I mean, they were brothers. Abel was a righteous man, Cain was not (that is the reason he killed Abel). But I wonder – could it have been that Abel did not really understand the hatred his brother had for him?

Mothers love their children. Fathers love their children. Husbands love their wives. Close friends love one another. Unless, of course, one is a narcissist or a sociopath. In those cases, the “love” is just a sham. A deception utilized as a tool to use the target.

Did you think that your domestic abuser spouse loved you when you were first married? I suppose you did – I mean, generally why else would anyone marry someone, right? And did you once think that your narcissist parent loved you? Or that “good” friend who turned out to be one of our RASN categories?

My point is this – at some time it dawned on you that the love was a mask. It took you, most likely, a long, long time for you to see through that mask and even though it slipped numbers of times, you still clung to the notion that this person loved you.

But then there comes that time – and it is a really hard pill to swallow. A realization that is very, very difficult to wrap your mind around. In fact, it turns out, this spouse/parent/friend did not love you at all. They actually, you began to realize, regarded you with contempt. In their eyes you were stupid, beneath them, just an errand boy/girl to be used.

You saw glimpses of this – subtle smirks, cutting words, not-so-funny insults, but you just didn’t realize the true state of affairs. When you did, when the lights went on, when you finally understood that this person was in fact incapable of love, how did you feel? All those years – apparently they meant nothing and could be as easily discarded by the RASN as a if they never happened at all.

This kind of reality is very painful – and that pain doesn’t dissipate quickly. One day it will be gone though. The pains of this life will be swept away forever when the Lord Jesus Christ returns and takes us home. Crying, pain, tears, hurtful memories, trauma – all gone.

Know the House by its Fruits

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On August 2, 2023

In Evil, Family/Children

Pro 3:33 The LORD’s curse is on the house of the wicked, but he blesses the dwelling of the righteous.

Zec 5:1-4 Again I lifted my eyes and saw, and behold, a flying scroll! (2) And he said to me, “What do you see?” I answered, “I see a flying scroll. Its length is twenty cubits, and its width ten cubits.” (3) Then he said to me, “This is the curse that goes out over the face of the whole land. For everyone who steals shall be cleaned out according to what is on one side, and everyone who swears falsely shall be cleaned out according to what is on the other side. (4) I will send it out, declares the LORD of hosts, and it shall enter the house of the thief, and the house of him who swears falsely by my name. And it shall remain in his house and consume it, both timber and stones.”

We know that a Godly parent can have a prodigal child. We see this in the parable by that title – The Prodigal.

But what I want to address here is a pattern which I have seen repeatedly over the years. A pattern which the Scriptures above, and others, declare. It is this: When the children in a home, one after another, embrace the world and choose to walk in sin rather than following Christ, it reveals that the Spirit of the Lord has left that home. And the cause is to be found in the sin of one or both parents.

Now, I want to be very careful in handling this subject because I do not want to lay any false guilt upon a godly parent. There are exceptions. For instance, I know a man who was not born again until mid-life. Prior to that as he raised his children, he walked in sin. Not surprisingly, his children followed the world. Now however, he loves the Lord and does all he can to point his children to Christ. And I know there are other exceptions – the very common example of one spouse being a Christian while the other is a wicked abuser.

But I am speaking here of a too common pattern in which both parents are pretending to be Christians – perhaps that pretending is even quite convincing – but over the years you see the children rejecting Christ (or carrying on the hypocritical disguise of pretending religion) and following the world. When the children were small, it was much easier for the parents to put on an appearance of godliness while, in fact, denying the power of Christ.

This dynamic causes great confusion to us. Here we see what we thought was a fine Christian family, but as the years pass and the children grow up, the fruit is bad. We can remain blind to what this reveals – after all, it is always very hard to come to the realization that the whole house is built on the sand of false faith.

Pharisees beget Pharisees. Worldlings birth worldlings. The Spirit of the Lord is not present in such a home. Rather, as Zechariah’s flying scroll announces, the Lord’s curse is upon such a home. The fruit is bad because the root is bad. So let’s not be deceived. Something is terribly amiss with a place which claims to be the home of saints and yet the fruit coming out of that home is consistently rotten. A bad tree does not produce good fruit.

Those of you who are or have been married to a wicked spouse and you had had children in that marriage, have certainly seen and had to battle with the influence of an evil father or mother upon the children. And there are still more of you who are the children of an evil house – yet you have been rescued and saved by the Lord. These exceptions are the pure mercy of Christ, that we smoking brands were plucked from the fire.

But, let me emphasize this again, the pattern I am speaking of here is that of the deception which is carried out so often in churches. Namely, this:

2Ti 3:5 having the appearance of godliness, but denying its power. Avoid such people.

Eze 33:31-32 And they come to you as people come, and they sit before you as my people, and they hear what you say but they will not do it; for with lustful talk in their mouths they act; their heart is set on their gain. (32) And behold, you are to them like one who sings lustful songs with a beautiful voice and plays well on an instrument, for they hear what you say, but they will not do it.

The flying scroll of the curse of the Lord is upon such a house. The rottenness in the foundations of such a place will inevitably be revealed as the years go by.

Many Church Leaders are Guilty of Lording it Over the Flock

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On July 31, 2023

In Churches/Church Response

1Pe 5:1-3 So I exhort the elders among you, as a fellow elder and a witness of the sufferings of Christ, as well as a partaker in the glory that is going to be revealed: (2) shepherd the flock of God that is among you, exercising oversight, not under compulsion, but willingly, as God would have you; not for shameful gain, but eagerly; (3) not domineering over those in your charge, but being examples to the flock.

The Orthodox Presbyterian Church has surfaced on my radar once again. It isn’t the first time – that’s why I say “once again.” Still another domestic abuse victim has written to me and shared her story of how she was treated by her pastor and elders in spite of clear evidence of her husband’s abuse (and it was severe).

NOTE: I realize there will be exceptions in a few individual OPC churches. Exceptions, I mean, to what I say here. But I have received repeated reports over the years about abuse victims being further oppressed in this denomination (as well as in others of course).

The OPC (like several other Presbyterian denominations) takes great stock and delight in consulting and enforcing their “Book of Church Order.” The way they proceed is very similar to a secular civil court. It is typically heartless. They will cite this paragraph and that rule and then level formal charges against the accused. Along with these accusations you have the inevitable threats.

  • Obey us, submit to us, or else
  • You will be ex-communicated
  • Your soul is in danger of hell if you don’t repent and do as we say

And, of course, all of these heartless indictments and procedures are prosecuted by men who are absolutely ignorant of the nature of the case before them. They are fools. But a fool with power is a real danger. They are haughty. They will NEVER listen to correction. They are un-teachable. I don’t even try anymore. If their incompetency were exercised in the secular world in some profession, they would have their credentials removed and they would find themselves being sued for big bucks. But in the churches – nope. There is no accountability.

Well, hmmmm, I guess there IS accountability, isn’t there?

Jer 23:1-2 “Woe to the shepherds who destroy and scatter the sheep of my pasture!” declares the LORD. (2) Therefore thus says the LORD, the God of Israel, concerning the shepherds who care for my people: “You have scattered my flock and have driven them away, and you have not attended to them. Behold, I will attend to you for your evil deeds, declares the LORD.

Two Demonic Skills RASN’s Possess

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On July 26, 2023

In Abusers, Counseling, Evil, Getting Free

3Jn 1:9-10 I have written something to the church, but Diotrephes, who likes to put himself first, does not acknowledge our authority. (10) So if I come, I will bring up what he is doing, talking wicked nonsense against us. And not content with that, he refuses to welcome the brothers, and also stops those who want to and puts them out of the church.

These words by which the Apostle John exposed Diotrephes, reveal two “skill sets” that most every Diotrephes (we will call them RASNs) possess. They are:

  • The ability to achieve power and control
  • The ability to accuse and thereby make everyone but themselves bear the blame

RASNs not only lust for power and control, they are quite accomplished at obtaining it. Think about this. Why is an abuser able to exercise power and control over, for instance, his/her spouse? How did they get a hold on this power? How was it that your abuser slowly but surely (or perhaps even very quickly) establish this power and control over you? I bet you don’t even remember. Because you didn’t even see it happening at the time.

Creeps, like Diotrephes, creep in with stealth. And before you know it, they have the keys to everything. How does it happen?

I think that part of the answer is related to the second diabolic skill set they possess – blaming, guilting, accusing, threatening. They are confident that they are never to blame and before you know it, you believe they are never to blame – YOU are!

RASNs are very skilled at offering tantalizing “bait” to their target – bait with a hook in it. That bait might be their reputation in the community, their skill at their career, their apparent “care” for others, etc. And once people take the bait, you guessed it, Diotrephes is running the show.

This wickedness has happened to me as well. More than once. You find yourself years down the road realizing that something sinister has happened. That you aren’t even yourself anymore. That Diotrephes has become your “go to” person. There is another name for this dynamic – it’s called “enslavement.”

Pride and Prejudice

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On July 24, 2023

In Churches/Church Response

1Co 13:4 Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant

As many of you know, our church here has invited those who have been abused not only at the hands of a RASN, but also had that abuse added to by their church, to join us as their church. Some of you have even been ex-communicated for separating from an evil spouse. For you to continue in a local church has been virtually impossible. For others, there is simply no real, sound church locally to be found. This is not to be attributed to an unreasonable “pickiness” over minor issues. Numbers of you have chosen to become “distance members” of Christ Reformation Church, and you have really become part of us.

Now, there are Christians who struggle with this concept. This group wrestles with the honest question, for instance, of Scripture telling us to be sure and gather together and not forsake the assembling of the saints. I had those questions myself initially. But, in the end, I concluded that we are to gather together WITH THE SAINTS (see Hebrews 10 on this). Being part of a local, visible church that is filled with hypocrites, where abusers are protected and victims are oppressed, where habitual sin is tolerated and thus a false gospel is preached, is NOT gathering together with the saints!

Now, I am thinking about this topic because recently we ran into a professing Christian who was quite critical of our distance outreach. This person said, upon learning of our online members, that “yes, people have become just too lazy to get up and go to a real church, so they just sit at home and watch online.” Pride and Prejudice, you see. This individual had no knowledge of who our online members are (or even those of you who follow us regularly). They had no knowledge of the fact that, to my knowledge, NONE of you are “too lazy to get up and go to church.” I mean, such a person could be out there, but I regularly communicate with many of you and, in fact, those of you I know are genuine, committed believers who have been sorely oppressed, who would, in a moment join a real church if you could find one. But this critic has no knowledge of you, no knowledge of what you have been through, no knowledge that you hunger and thirst for God’s Word but haven’t been able, in spite of searching and searching, to find a place locally where that priceless pearl of the gospel is to be found.

Pride and Prejudice. Enemies of righteousness. This business of pride is vast. Over the years we have come up against it time and time again. We ourselves must battle it, but so many others choose to walk in this pit. Entitlement. Superiority. A demand for praise to be supplied by others. Those ensnared to it are drawn deeper and deeper into this abyss until they are either mercifully broken by the Lord, or they continue to descend, never to come out.

Christians must be humble. We must not behave toward others as if we know all about them, because we don’t. We must not judge someone because they don’t measure up to our traditions. Christians who have lived a sheltered life, raised up in a local church where there is a big, beautiful building, a sanctuary replete with a $150,000 pipe organ, fine woodwork, a big choir….and more…simply do not understand. They have never been the target of a wicked narcissist (or perhaps they are enslaved to one but don’t know it!). They don’t even realize that victims of RASN’s exist among them. And so, as was the case with this person we heard recently, to pronounce judgment upon sisters and brothers in Christ who are suffering, is to judge by a false standard. It is to be unkind. It is to speak in arrogance. It is to judge by outward appearance. And worst of all, it is to exalt oneself and speak out of a spirit of superiority and partiality – ‘I am better than you.’

Think carefully now. What was the local church like in early New Testament times – in the time for example of the Apostles? In the time of persecution from Rome? The day may well come, you know, when we are returned to such times – in fact, that day WILL come because Antichrist will one day be allowed, for a brief time, to establish his worldwide kingdom. Will this critic I am speaking of here dress up in their Sunday clothes and take a pleasant drive to the brick and mortar edifice, walk in unmolested as always? Of course not. In those days the church will have to meet secretly – in private homes and catacombs. And, might I suggest, gathering together via online means if possible.

Think of the Apostle Paul. How did the early churches hear from him? You know the answer – we see it in the New Testament. He wrote letters and they were read in the small local gatherings of believers in someone’s living room. Then those letters were passed on to others. Paul had never seen the Laodiceans in person –

Col 4:15-16 Give my greetings to the brothers at Laodicea, and to Nympha and the church in her house. (16) And when this letter has been read among you, have it also read in the church of the Laodiceans; and see that you also read the letter from Laodicea.

If Paul had the internet, do you think for a minute that he would have refused to use it in order to gather together online with these people he considered his church?

Well, that is enough, I have gone on longer than usual. May the Lord keep all of us humble and deliver us from Pride and Prejudice.

Be sure and read this post at Light for Dark Times

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On July 21, 2023

In Blog News

If you go on over to my Light for Dark Times blog, you will find an important post entitled “An Acid Test to Reveal the Counterfeit.” It contains some real wisdom from John Bunyan and John Calvin on this subject.

Christ Must Come Down to Me

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On July 20, 2023

In Biblical Teaching

I came across this anonymous poem recently which describes a sinner who had tried for long years to work his way up to God through his own works and merit. Until….

O long and dark the stairs I trod
With trembling feet to find my God,
Gaining a foothold bit by bit,
The slipping back and losing it.

Never progressing; striving still
With weakening grasp and faltering will,
Bleeding to climb to God, while he
Serenely smiled, unnoting me.

Then came a certain time when I
Loosened my hold and fell thereby;
Down to the lowest step my fall,
As if I had not climbed at all.

Now when I lay despairing there,
Listen...a footfall on the stair,
On that same stair where I afraid,
Faltered and fell and lay dismayed.

And lo, when hope had ceased to be,
My God came down the stairs to me.
 
[Anonymous, taken from William Hendriksen,
Commentary on Romans, Baker Books]

Eph 2:4-6 But God, being rich in mercy, because of His great love with which He loved us, (5) even when we were dead in our transgressions, made us alive together with Christ (by grace you have been saved), (6) and raised us up with Him, and seated us with Him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus,

How RASN’s Take Control

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On July 19, 2023

In Churches/Church Response, Narcissist, RASN

Galatians 1:10 For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ.

In his rebuke of the Galatian churches, the Apostle Paul writes that he is astonished at how quickly these Christians had fallen for a false gospel. False teachers, false brethren, had crept into the churches and introduced a gospel of grace PLUS. Merit had to be earned, they said. And the way to do it was by works of the Law – keeping certain Old Testament ceremonies and such. But the moment even a crumb of our works are added, grace is no longer grace, the gospel is no longer the gospel, and those who introduce this infection are damned by God.

How had these counterfeits taken control of the churches there? I think we see the answer here:

Gal 4:17 They make much of you, but for no good purpose. They want to shut you out, that you may make much of them.

They used flattery. They pretended to really care for these Galatians. They praised them. And this blinded the eyes of those gullible believers.

When we in Christ’s church begin to show partiality to anyone, we are opening the door to some RASN to control the church. That is what they had done – shown partiality. They were impressed with these false teachers. They failed to be consistent and obey this:

Gal 1:8-9 But even if we or an angel from heaven should preach to you a gospel contrary to the one we preached to you, let him be accursed. (9) As we have said before, so now I say again: If anyone is preaching to you a gospel contrary to the one you received, let him be accursed.

Most all of us, myself included, have been guilty in this regard. We have shown partiality. Instead of testing and rebuking, we accepted. Then one day the Lord mercifully revealed who the wicked ones were and we realized we had been duped. And not just duped, but complicit in these wicked ones program to exalt themselves. Complicit because we failed to do this:

1Ti 5:21 In the presence of God and of Christ Jesus and of the elect angels I charge you to keep these rules without prejudging, doing nothing from partiality.

Jas 2:1 My brothers, show no partiality as you hold the faith in our Lord Jesus Christ, the Lord of glory.

Why did we do it? Well, in part because the RASN is very deceptive. He is a liar like his father the devil. But we also did it perhaps because we wanted to believe the RASN was who he claimed to be, by his disguise. One time a lady who was married to a RASN asked me, “I wonder why I married him?” I assured her that she was deceived by him as we all have been by this kind. But in later years I have realized that there may well have been something in it for her – economic security, reputation, etc. If so, she was showing partiality and suppressing the truth.

I do not say these things to condemn anyone – I have been guilty of partiality to these kind too. I hope I have seen the thing clearly now so that I won’t do it again. Pushing down red warning lights that we often feel more than we see. Because we don’t want to believe our RASN is anything less than what he claims to be. Taking his side in conflicts. Covering for him when his mask slips. All these things and more are partiality, and James tells us partiality is sin –

Jas 2:9 But if you show partiality, you are committing sin and are convicted by the law as transgressors.

If we reject this sinful partiality and stand for Christ’s truth when we see someone sinning, guess what other good thing is going to happen? The mask will come off completely if we are dealing with a RASN. These kind never repent. They never admit their own sin and guilt. They lash out when confronted or when told “no.” But as long as we show partiality to them, permitting them to be what they crave to be among us, the deception will continue and they will remain in control.

They Only Go Deeper Undercover

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On July 17, 2023

In Abusers, Narcissist, RASN

Job 20:12 “Though evil is sweet in his mouth, though he hides it under his tongue,

Something that can make the book of Job a bit difficult to interpret is that his “friends” often speak the truth – but they apply it wrongly. That is the case here with Zophar. Evil is indeed sweet to the RASN, but he hides. He covers and disguises his evil ploys. The RASN speaks in words that sound right, but in fact they are meant for evil.

You may have experienced a supposed “repentance” on the part of a RASN. (ie, Reviler, Abuser, Sociopath, or Narcissist) in which he/she says something like, “I’m done with that. I’m over the hurtful sin.” And you were happy. He’s changed. He repented. He’s done with that.

But he hasn’t. He isn’t.

All that is happening is that his cover becomes deeper. His disguises and masks more deceiving. Knowing that he has been at least in part, discovered, he sets out to be more careful. He mouths repentance and claims a great change. And there has been a change – for the worse. He still is what he was. He still is what he is. He simply has resolved to be more crafty.

And thus, he sets you up again for the next fall of the hammer.

Can One RASN Recognize Another RASN?

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On July 12, 2023

In Abusers, Churches/Church Response

1Jn 2:19-20 They went out from us, but they were not of us; for if they had been of us, they would have continued with us. But they went out, that it might become plain that they all are not of us. (20) But you have been anointed by the Holy One, and you all have knowledge.

The Apostle John, in warning the church about the presence of the antichrist’s servants, explains to the true body of Christ why a group of people had abandoned them. They were not of us. They were not anointed by the Holy One. They were counterfeits.

Now, this means that these wicked ones were able to see that Christ’s true people were indwelt by His Spirit, and that they were not. Of course they would not have admitted this – they no doubt claimed to be the real thing, fine saints and all that. Nevertheless, they all detested Christ and all who truly belonged to Him.

This seems to me to indicate that they recognized something else. Namely, that THEY were one. That THEY were of the same brand. They departed together. They were not “of” these believers to whom John is writing. They didn’t like the smell of Christ’s people (we are a stench of death to those who are perishing). They knew who THEY were so like birds of a feather, they gathered against the truth of Christ and left.

I think that one RASN can recognize another RASN. And frankly, I think that this is very often the reason you see church leaders allying with RASNs in their churches. You know how it goes. Someone in the church is married to an abuser and the church leaders end up standing with the abuser rather than with the victim. The victim is either formally or informally put out of the church while the abuser remains a member or even an officer in good standing. The thing is mind-boggling, and yet it seems to me that the fog of confusion is largely lifted when we realize that the same species of fish gather together in schools.

Do I believe that this is always the explanation? No, but it may well explain things in many cases. RASNs stand together.

There is still another dynamic in all of this that I think needs to be mentioned too. And that is that ultimately RASNs will often turn on one another. If you have more than one narcissist in the room, eventually one or the other is going to demand to be top dog (apologies to my canine friends. I prefer their company any day to that of many people!). I bet that the group which left the church John wrote to did not stand together very long. I have seen all of this in action personally. Eventually they split up and go their separate ways. There just isn’t room for more than one of them in the same church.

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