Unholy Charade - Jeff Crippen

Unmasking the Domestic Abuser in the Church

Author: Jeff Crippen Page 18 of 88

When Abnormal becomes Normal

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On October 11, 2023

In Abusers, Counseling

Pro 4:19 The way of the wicked is like deep darkness; they do not know over what they stumble.

Sin has a blinding aspect to it. Its way is called “darkness” in the Bible. Sinners are blind to God’s truth. They are comfortable in the darkness, away from the light of the Lord, even though that darkness will be their ruin.

We live in a fallen, sinful world. This world is not normal. It isn’t what it was when the Lord created it. But because this world is all we have known, we grow accustomed to its darkness.

I primarily want to consider this in respect to Christians – to us who know the Lord. What was the family like which you grew up in? Christian, non-Christian? Functional, dysfunctional? I grew up in a professing Christian home (though my father never once spoke to me about the Lord, nor did I ever hear him pray). We went to church rather regularly and I heard the gospel, making a profession of Christ when I was about 8 years old.

But my family of origin was botched. My parents weren’t really Christians, though if pressed my father would claim to be. We didn’t communicate. There was never any parental instruction in the Lord and as a result I learned by unspoken example that to talk about the Lord was an embarrassment. Talk about anything else pretty much, but nothing of real import. There was no real instruction in righteousness, only anger and punishment if I did something wrong. And I did do plenty wrong.

Now, here is the point – I grew up believing without question that my family was normal. I cannot ever recall thinking, “our family is really messed up.” My sister and I fought. Everyone pretty much just went their own way through the day and spent the evenings still in our own little worlds. I remember my mother asking me a question one evening in the living room and I responded with the classic, “I dunno.” Something like “what did you do today?” “I dunno.” “But you must know what you did.” “I dunno.” My dad got rather riled and correctly observed, “he just doesn’t want to talk!” Which was true. But what they didn’t get is that they had taught this to me. By their example they taught me to never divulge too much about myself. If I had a crush on a girl, for instance, I would NEVER have told them. Why? Because I would be made fun of. So this was as I said, a botched family.

But I thought it was normal. After all, it was all the family I had known.

And here is the danger of this business – the abnormal, even the wicked, can over time become our normal. This has happened to many of you in a marriage for instance. You lived so close to that evil abuse, you just figured this was a normal marriage. Evil is blinding. If I, for instance, could go back in a time machine to a date when you were still in that abusive marriage, in its first half let’s say, and if I told you that you were being abused, you might even be offended. Why? Because you thought things were normal. They weren’t.

When we have RASNs in our lives, doing their evil reviling, abusing, sociopathing, and narcissicing, we most typically can remain blind to it for a long time. The abnormal becomes normal. RASNs depend upon this. They know exactly what they are doing and they will do all they can to push it off on us as normal.

I Believe in God the Father, Almighty

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On October 9, 2023

In Abusers, Churches/Church Response, Evil

2Th 2:9-10 The coming of the lawless one is by the activity of Satan with all power and false signs and wonders, (10) and with all wicked deception for those who are perishing, because they refused to love the truth and so be saved.

When we consider the attributes of God, we soon come to that of His omnipotence. He is God All-mighty, maker of heaven and earth. He speaks, He wills, and it is done. Light comes into being out of darkness. From nothing, He created all that is. Merely by the power of His Word. By that Word the universe is held together (see Colossians 1) and our very life finds its source in Him. God has this infinite power, and by it He rules His universe. He decrees all that comes to pass and it comes to pass because He decreed it. As Paul told the Athenian philosophers, it is in Him that we move and exist and have our being. If God were to cease to exist for even a nanosecond (an impossibility of course), the universe would be no more.

Now, when the sinner covets this power and control for himself, he is headed down that same path Satan traveled so long ago, and still pursues today. Power. That is what he wants. Control, sovereignty, to be worshipped as God. This craving is really at the root of all sin, which is lawlessness. “I will make my own law and disregard the Law of God.” That is the twisted reasoning of sin.

Why do RASNs (revilers, abusers, sociopaths, narcissists) do what they do? For power. For control. They do their deeds of evil because, like their father the devil, they want to be God. To be worshipped. To be served. They are a law, as the saying goes, to themselves. When you are the target of a RASN, you can be sure of this. Their foundational motivation is to be God to you. To have omnipotence and sovereignty over you. If you examine the tactics of RASNs – the gaslighting, the double standards, the raging, assaulting, isolating, depriving – all of it has at its root this demand for power and control. This insistence upon being God.

And this is why one of the best ways to detect a RASN in a relationship (in marriage, in the workplace, in the church…) is to watch for this exercising of power and control in arenas where there is no right to have it. Under the disguise of “biblical saintliness” for example, a man might dictate to his wife how much, to the dollar, she is allowed to spend on groceries or clothing for the kids. He may insist that she have his permission to have a friend or to…well, to do just about anything. I have seen such a man actually tell his wife that she needed to come with him now, rather than go to the restroom in the store. HE will tell her when she can go!

Power and control. Power and control. I am God, you are my servant. If you fail to serve, I will punish you.

I have said before (and the observation is certainly not original with me) that RASNs are trespassers. They violate personal boundaries and work to break down personhood in others. This is why, in this evil world, we need to learn about boundaries and personhood. We need to realize, when it happens, that a person is trespassing into an area of our life where they have no right to be. As a pastor, I have had just such a person attempt to dictate to me where I am allowed to buy a house, what I am to preach, how I am to relate to others, and so on. And these people are always ready to punish when they perceive that they aren’t being obeyed. These kind are not rare. They are everywhere. Virtually every church has one or more.

Stories abound of women (less often, but sometimes, men) being murdered by their spouse when the woman realized she had to get out of the marriage. So wickedly intense is the RASNs insistence upon power and control, he will rather kill her than lose that power over her. It happens daily. This is why people who are in the know about domestic violence warn that leaving is a dangerous time. Even for the children. So satanic are such people that sometimes they will rather murder the children as well rather than see them in the custody of their mother. This power and control dynamic is what is at the root of these ongoing court battles of child custody. The RASN MUST win. They really don’t care about the children.

The Apostle John was wise to this business:

3Jn 1:9-10 I have written something to the church, but Diotrephes, who likes to put himself first, does not acknowledge our authority. (10) So if I come, I will bring up what he is doing, talking wicked nonsense against us. And not content with that, he refuses to welcome the brothers, and also stops those who want to and puts them out of the church.

It is long past time that we were wise to it as well.

Superiority and Entitlement are Demonic

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On October 4, 2023

In Evil, Narcissist, RASN

Jas 3:14-16 But if you have bitter jealousy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast and be false to the truth. (15) This is not the wisdom that comes down from above, but is earthly, unspiritual, demonic. (16) For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there will be disorder and every vile practice.

Most all of us know now that RASNs (revilers, abusers, sociopaths, narcissists) regard themselves as better. As superior. As entitled. Everyone else is inferior, undeserving, and certainly not better. That is how these children of the devil think. This is what drives their actions and words.

The truth is that ALL of us enter this world dead in sin, hostile to God, selfish, and fleshly. Only by the new birth in Christ can we be set free of that old man and the devil. But the person who is propelled by bitter jealousy and selfish ambition (the RASN), that kind of person is demonic. Fleshly. Devoid of the Spirit. They create chaos, disorder, and their practices are vile. They may disguise themselves as a child of God, but in fact they are servants of Satan.

This is why James warns us so carefully about this business. He tells us to first look to ourselves and understand that we were born in sin just like all the rest. Paul reiterates the same in Ephesians 2. We must not exalt ourselves above our brethren in Christ. But just think carefully – how many professing Christians in your church (or in your past church) exalted themselves. There is that professional man who regards himself as far above the blue collar worker. Or that attorney. Or the lady with all the Bible answers – head of women’s ministries. This disease is ubiquitous. (Had to use that word. I think it means everywhere).

What right do any of us have to see ourselves as better than our fellow believers? And Scripture is warning us that if this arrogant superiority is the pattern of life in a person, that person is animated by demons. No, that is not an overstatement. It is what God’s Word says.

One of the things we watch for in our church now, having learned hard lessons, is that a true Christian, led by the Spirit, is humble. They look to serve others out of real love. They are teachable. They are open to biblical correction. They are not divisive – quite the contrary.

Here then is a really excellent biblical test to see if someone who claims to be a Christian, really is. Just watch for this demonic “wisdom” which is from below. Watch for that jealousy and selfish ambition. These things are some of the very earliest warning signs that someone is not at all what they appear to be.

Satan’s Disguise

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On October 2, 2023

In Abusers, Churches/Church Response, Evil

2Co 11:14-15 And no wonder, for even Satan disguises himself as an angel of light. (15) So it is no surprise if his servants, also, disguise themselves as servants of righteousness. Their end will correspond to their deeds.

We will all do well in remembering and taking to heart these words of Scripture.

When an evil person is exposed after wearing a disguise of godliness or perhaps of just seeming to be “the nicest guy you would ever meet,” reactions are typically the same. “I would never have guessed.” “I just cannot believe it.” “This is not the person I knew.” Many still refuse to believe they have been duped even when the evidence is undeniable.

Christ’s people are supposed to be wise about many things, including the existence and tactics of evil. But so often that is not the case. Evil creeps in among us and operates secretly, working to destroy. Lying. Deceiving. Oppressing. Dividing. All the while disguised as a “servant of righteousness.” God has plainly warned us. Of all people, we as Christ’s servants should not be the ones who keep saying, “I just cannot believe it.”

Over and over again, I have seen these wicked ones deceive their way right up to the top positions in churches, denominations, and parachurch ministries. The trail of destruction in terms of peoples’ lives is far-reaching. As the Apostle Paul said, they “cause the Gentiles to blaspheme” the name of Christ because they work their evil disguised as upstanding Christians.

We need to stop showing partiality in the church. We need to cease from exalting human beings. Paul himself wouldn’t stand for people trying to worship him (see 1 Cor 2:1ff). When we refuse to be the ego supply to disguised wicked ones, their true colors will soon be revealed. Either they will leave to go out looking for easier targets, or their fangs will come out when we refuse to feed their lust for self-glory. Either way, they are exposed.

Humility Does not mean no Self-confidence

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On September 29, 2023

In Abusers, Counseling, Evil

Num 16:8-11 And Moses said to Korah, “Hear now, you sons of Levi: (9) is it too small a thing for you that the God of Israel has separated you from the congregation of Israel, to bring you near to himself, to do service in the tabernacle of the LORD and to stand before the congregation to minister to them, (10) and that he has brought you near him, and all your brothers the sons of Levi with you? And would you seek the priesthood also? (11) Therefore it is against the LORD that you and all your company have gathered together. What is Aaron that you grumble against him?”

Num 12:3 Now the man Moses was very meek, more than all people who were on the face of the earth.

The genuine Christian desires to be humble. Sometimes we fail, but the Lord enables us to repent of our pride and we return to humility. Humility is acknowledging who we are and who God is. It is to reject sinful pride and refuse to think more highly of ourselves than we ought. The person who is characterized by pride is simply not one of Christ’s people.

But humility does not mean that we have no spiritual backbone. You see this in the Scriptures above. Moses was the most humble man on the face of the earth! Incredible statement. But when Korah decided to launch this rebellion against the Lord, Moses stood his ground and spoke for the Lord, just as Paul opposed Peter to his face. Our greatest model of humility of course is the Lord Jesus Himself-

Php 2:8 And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross.

RASNs (revilers, abusers, sociopaths, narcissists) trespass on our boundaries. We have rightful boundaries. That is to say, we have the right to, for instance, our own opinions, to our preferences, to be individual persons. All within the bounds of the Lord’s Word of course, but we have these lines which other people have no right to deny us. RASNs do. They are boundary trespassers.

Just because we are humble does not mean that we permit the wicked to cross or destroy those boundaries. We know this because Moses stood right up to Korah. And the Lord Jesus got right in the face of the wicked many times.

One of the deceptions of Satan is that he sends his emissaries to us and they insist that we always conform to their opinions, their preferences, and thus to cast away our own individuality and personhood. It happened right off in Eden and it still happens today.

So don’t make the mistake of thinking that Godly humility requires acquiescing (fancy word for caving in) to the RASN. It doesn’t. And in this sense the most humble person is the most courageous.

Let me give you a classic example which I have probably told you before. Over 20 years ago when our church still had quite a few RASNs in it, one particular “holiest of the holy saints” accused me of “distancing myself from my flock” when we were enabled through a modest inheritance to purchase our own home instead of living next door to the church building in the church parsonage. Our new home was further away. He went on to say, “now you will be way over there by yourself without any accountability.” What horrid wickedness!! I pity the church he is now.

False humility produced by the RASN’s boundary trespassing would respond with, “perhaps you are right. Maybe I shouldn’t have done that. I’m sorry.” I didn’t say that, but neither did I speak up against this evil as strongly as I should have. Back then I still didn’t understand all of this kind of evil. And I must say it still can catch me off guard today. I kick myself when it does.

What does humility say in such a situation? Something like – “I have every right, just like any of you all, to buy a home and choose what place it is in. (It was only 20 minutes away from the church building). You have no right to trespass on my personhood in this manner and I call you to repent of it.” Because real humility is courageous and stands for truth.

So Easy to be Carried Away by the Enemy if we are not on Guard

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On September 27, 2023

In Biblical Teaching, Evil

Gal 2:13 And the rest of the Jews acted hypocritically along with him, so that even Barnabas was led astray by their hypocrisy.

Peter had yielded to the false teachers who had crept in among the churches of Galatia, withdrawing from the Gentiles for fear of the Jews. Paul admonished him to his face and showed how he was being a hypocrite and denying the gospel. Thankfully the Lord granted Peter repentance.

Notice that Paul says, “so that even Barnabas was led astray by their hypocrisy.” Barnabas was a faithful, genuine believer. He was gift with encouragement. And yet even he had begun to be led down that lying path which would add works of the Law to the gospel. Even Barnabas was led astray! Even him!

In this we must learn that our enemy is very crafty. He so often comes in religious garb, in the form of “eminent” saints. There is no lack of them in our own day. Without even knowing it, we can be seduced by them and start thinking falsely. Unless, of course, we take to heart Peter’s own words (of all people, Peter learned this lesson the hard way) –

1Pe 5:8 Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.

In part, this is the reason pastors and church members so often fall for the wicked person’s lies. Here is this man or woman who is such a pillar in our church. He is reputed as such in the community. He has what seems to be a depth of biblical knowledge. Or here is this guest speaker at a conference, for instance, introduced as “lead pastor of XXXX church and author of scores of books.” We ooh and ahh. We want his autograph. We soak up his every word. But this is not being sober-minded and watchful. It is spiritual carelessness and if the Lord is merciful and brings us to our senses, we may have been in this idolatrous slumber for years.

Put your own name in Paul’s sentence – “so that even ________ was led astray.” Do NOT be a respecter of persons. Do not show partiality. It just amazes me today how many professing Christians so easily fall for the enemy’s lies. It’s as if….could it be?…..they never really read their Bibles.

Yes, They Are Indeed Lying

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On September 25, 2023

In Abusers, Evil, Narcissist, RASN

Joh 8:44 You are of your father the devil, and your will is to do your father’s desires. He was a murderer from the beginning, and does not stand in the truth, because there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks out of his own character, for he is a liar and the father of lies.

If you watch crime shows that recount, for example, murder cases, you will be amazed at how these psychopaths can look right at the camera or at even their victim’s family members, or the judge, and lie without flinching. It is as if they believe the lie themselves. But this is the nature of their father the devil and RASNs (revilers, abusers, sociopaths, narcissists) to one degree or another share in this evil ability.

You’ve seen it. Neighbors and friends are just sooooo certain that the criminal has been falsely accused. There is just noooo way he/she would EVER have done such a thing. But they did do it. And not only are they lying once they have been arrested, they have been lying their entire life. They present, daily, a facade, a disguise, a persona that they demand everyone believe. EVERYTHING they do is designed to support that false self and if the rest of us know what is good for us – we had better support it too! (so the RASN insists).

So it’s time for all of us to wise up. The RASN is lying! The RASN did do it! He or she is NOT the person you think they are. And I suppose that largely this is why Jesus said:

Mat 7:16 You will recognize them by their fruits. Are grapes gathered from thornbushes, or figs from thistles?

The reason we think that these wicked ones are who they appear to be is because THEY wear the disguise. THEY tell us who they are – the false self. And we need to stop falling for it. There is a behind the scenes drama playing out that betrays their disguise, and if we are wise we will watch for it because every so often a crack appears when the mask slips a bit.

I watched a real life crime show recently in which a flat-out psychopath murdered a young woman who thought he was a friend. This murder went undetected for over a decade and by that time he had become engaged to marry another woman. Meanwhile, detectives learned that – get this! – when he was 12 years old he had murdered both of his parents and had been sent to juvenile prison until he was 21. He never showed any remorse or emotion. He used a shotgun and a baseball bat in a rage to kill them. And then, when he turned 21, the courts turned him loose. And he killed again.

Now – listen to this – the woman he was engaged to, even though she learned about him killing his parents, insisted (and still does) that there is no way he could have murdered the young woman. He just isn’t that kind of person, she said.

This is evil. When we refuse to look at the rotten fruit and insist that the tree is good anyway, then we are enabling and participating in evil. We need to grow up and understand that children of the devil are quite capable of doing what their father does – lie and lie and lie some more in a more convincing way than someone who is telling the truth! They can and they do.

So when I hear someone say, “There is no way he could have done something like that,” in spite of the fact that such a person has been exposed by their victim or other evidence, then I know that I am looking at an enabler of evil. And we have plenty such enablers right in our churches.

More Thoughts on Cain’s Hatred of Abel (over at Light for Dark times blog)

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On September 22, 2023

In Abusers

Be sure and head over to this post at my lightfordarktimes.com blog for some more insights into the tactics of Cain’s kindred.

Sharing the Load

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On September 21, 2023

In Counseling

Gal 6:2 Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.

One characteristic of the love of Christ is its willingness to help the weak carry their burden. Christ took our burden of sin upon Himself and He welcomes His people to come to them and do this:

1Pe 5:7 casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.

If we are truly Christ’s people, then this quality of love, this caring for others, this awareness of their burdens and a willingness to help carry them, will certainly be evident in us.

One of the characteristics, in contrast, of the RASN (reviler, abuser, sociopath, narcissist) is that they are like the two who passed by the beaten, robbed man. They didn’t care. They had no empathy. They couldn’t be bothered. His pain wasn’t their pain so they just moved on.

Targets of RASNs carry tremendous burdens. False shame and guilt, economic deprivation, concerns about their children, fear for physical safety, and on and on the burden list goes. If we are genuine Christians, if we have been born again, the love of Christ is going to be present in us. That love will be willing and even anxious to say “here, let me help you with that.” The Spirit who dwells within us will move us to do so.

Sometimes we just cannot fix the situation (often times actually), but we can still help if we are willing. We can be someone who just listens. Who believes and validates. There really are a lot of ways that we can help carry the load.

Jas 2:14-16 What good is it, my brothers, if someone says he has faith but does not have works? Can that faith save him? (15) If a brother or sister is poorly clothed and lacking in daily food, (16) and one of you says to them, “Go in peace, be warmed and filled,” without giving them the things needed for the body, what good is that?

Following Christ in this wicked world is just messy many times. It requires getting involved in the messes which the wicked create in the lives of their victims. It entails being hated because you become the ally of the oppressed. It is costly because you end up sharing the cost.

Many if not most people, even many who claim to be Christians, just don’t want to be bothered. They don’t even want to “hear about it.” One of the things that victims of evil need to do is to talk about it. It’s a way of sorting it out, of coming to understand what is happening to them and how the RASN is operating against them. So they not only talk (if you will listen) but they repeatedly talk. They often tell the same story again and again. Are you willing to listen again and again? I don’t mean that a victim should remain “stuck” so as to make their very identity one of victimhood, but the truth is that people who have been traumatized by evil need time to sort out what has happened to them. And this sorting out entails talking about it. This requires a burden-sharer. A listener.

This is, says Paul, “the law of Christ.” You simply cannot obey Christ’s command to love your brother/sister if you don’t even want to be bothered with listening.

The Best Way I Can Help You

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On September 18, 2023

In Biblical Teaching, Getting Free

Heb 5:13-14 for everyone who lives on milk is unskilled in the word of righteousness, since he is a child. (14) But solid food is for the mature, for those who have their powers of discernment trained by constant practice to distinguish good from evil.

When we interact with and do what we can to help victims of RASNs (revilers, abusers, sociopaths, narcissists), the task can be overwhelming. If we were fabulously wealthy, we could provide the much-needed economic assistant. We could hire teams of attorneys. We could construct safe shelter homes with security. But we aren’t. And we can’t.

What we can do, for starters, is listen. Believe. Validate. And we can work to educate people about (as the verses above say) evil. Its tactics. Its mentality. How it disguises itself. I mean, why do we need to have, as Scripture says, powers of discernment trained if evil worked out in the open, plain for all to see? Because it doesn’t work that way. It lies, it deceives, it counterfeits. It is of the kingdom of darkness.

But how do we train for this? How do we help people practice so that they are able to see through all this fog? Well, it is at this point where the most essential thing is often skipped over. It is the word of righteousness. This is something money cannot buy. What is it? This word of righteousness? And how do we become skilled in it? Apparently this is the thing which empowers and enables us all to see what the enemy is and how he is working.

Well, the word of righteousness is the Word of God. It is, as this same Apostle to the Hebrews says:

Heb 4:12 For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart.

And again –

Eph 6:17 and take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God,

Every week I do five things online, in addition to writing this and one other blog. I teach and preach the Word of God five times:

  • Ephesians Study (Livestream Wednesday morning 7AM)
  • Revelation Study (Livestream Thursday morning 7AM)
  • Romans Study (No set Livestream time but uploaded weekly)
  • Sunday morning class (currently on the subject of heaven) – (Livestream 9:40AM Sundays)
  • Sunday morning sermon – (Livestream Sunday morning, 11AM)

Why? Because the very best thing I can do for you all is to give you the Word of God. To teach and preach God’s truth in the Scriptures. This is the thing we need more than anything else:

Joh 8:31-32 So Jesus said to the Jews who had believed him, “If you abide in my word, you are truly my disciples, (32) and you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”

There are many, many people who have been or still are targets of RASNs. As most of you know all too well, these wicked ones so often hide disguised as the most eminent saints in local churches. They are believed and they are successful in their demonic work. How is this darkness to be exposed? By the light of the Word of God. How are the victims to be strengthened and given the Lord’s wisdom? By constant training in the Word of God.

We can find some help from human resources. We can learn about narcissists. We can learn about the mentality and tactics of the domestic abuser. We can learn ways to help us navigate the labyrinth of the court system. We can be helped by learning about the effects of abuse like CPTSD, shame, confusion and so on.

But Jesus said that it is in knowing His truth that we will truly be set free. It is soooo easy to become wrapped up in the world of abuse recovery that we neglect the one thing that is needful – Christ and His Word. Getting free from our own fallen self, learning that we must be born again in Christ, learning to grow and live in Him, learning know Him. We often don’t make the connection. But it is knowing Christ by knowing and growing in His Word where we find real freedom and healing. The trick nowadays of course is to be able to find Christ and His Word. Sadly, as so many of you know, there is no guarantee that these will be found in just any local church.

So I invite you to come along with me in this teaching and preaching of the word of righteousness. This is the very best thing I can do for you – and for myself. You can find all the videos of these 5 series on sermonaudio.com/crc and on our Youtube channel – Light for Dark Times (you might need to tack my name onto that title in your Youtube search to get to the right place). And each of these sessions is livestreamed on both the sermon audio channel and on our Light for Dark Times Facebook page.

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