Unmasking the Domestic Abuser in the Church

I Believe in God the Father, Almighty

2Th 2:9-10 The coming of the lawless one is by the activity of Satan with all power and false signs and wonders, (10) and with all wicked deception for those who are perishing, because they refused to love the truth and so be saved.

When we consider the attributes of God, we soon come to that of His omnipotence. He is God All-mighty, maker of heaven and earth. He speaks, He wills, and it is done. Light comes into being out of darkness. From nothing, He created all that is. Merely by the power of His Word. By that Word the universe is held together (see Colossians 1) and our very life finds its source in Him. God has this infinite power, and by it He rules His universe. He decrees all that comes to pass and it comes to pass because He decreed it. As Paul told the Athenian philosophers, it is in Him that we move and exist and have our being. If God were to cease to exist for even a nanosecond (an impossibility of course), the universe would be no more.

Now, when the sinner covets this power and control for himself, he is headed down that same path Satan traveled so long ago, and still pursues today. Power. That is what he wants. Control, sovereignty, to be worshipped as God. This craving is really at the root of all sin, which is lawlessness. “I will make my own law and disregard the Law of God.” That is the twisted reasoning of sin.

Why do RASNs (revilers, abusers, sociopaths, narcissists) do what they do? For power. For control. They do their deeds of evil because, like their father the devil, they want to be God. To be worshipped. To be served. They are a law, as the saying goes, to themselves. When you are the target of a RASN, you can be sure of this. Their foundational motivation is to be God to you. To have omnipotence and sovereignty over you. If you examine the tactics of RASNs – the gaslighting, the double standards, the raging, assaulting, isolating, depriving – all of it has at its root this demand for power and control. This insistence upon being God.

And this is why one of the best ways to detect a RASN in a relationship (in marriage, in the workplace, in the church…) is to watch for this exercising of power and control in arenas where there is no right to have it. Under the disguise of “biblical saintliness” for example, a man might dictate to his wife how much, to the dollar, she is allowed to spend on groceries or clothing for the kids. He may insist that she have his permission to have a friend or to…well, to do just about anything. I have seen such a man actually tell his wife that she needed to come with him now, rather than go to the restroom in the store. HE will tell her when she can go!

Power and control. Power and control. I am God, you are my servant. If you fail to serve, I will punish you.

I have said before (and the observation is certainly not original with me) that RASNs are trespassers. They violate personal boundaries and work to break down personhood in others. This is why, in this evil world, we need to learn about boundaries and personhood. We need to realize, when it happens, that a person is trespassing into an area of our life where they have no right to be. As a pastor, I have had just such a person attempt to dictate to me where I am allowed to buy a house, what I am to preach, how I am to relate to others, and so on. And these people are always ready to punish when they perceive that they aren’t being obeyed. These kind are not rare. They are everywhere. Virtually every church has one or more.

Stories abound of women (less often, but sometimes, men) being murdered by their spouse when the woman realized she had to get out of the marriage. So wickedly intense is the RASNs insistence upon power and control, he will rather kill her than lose that power over her. It happens daily. This is why people who are in the know about domestic violence warn that leaving is a dangerous time. Even for the children. So satanic are such people that sometimes they will rather murder the children as well rather than see them in the custody of their mother. This power and control dynamic is what is at the root of these ongoing court battles of child custody. The RASN MUST win. They really don’t care about the children.

The Apostle John was wise to this business:

3Jn 1:9-10 I have written something to the church, but Diotrephes, who likes to put himself first, does not acknowledge our authority. (10) So if I come, I will bring up what he is doing, talking wicked nonsense against us. And not content with that, he refuses to welcome the brothers, and also stops those who want to and puts them out of the church.

It is long past time that we were wise to it as well.


Superiority and Entitlement are Demonic


The Destructiveness of Selfish Ambition


  1. Lynn

    We are told that pride was Adam’s first sin that caused the fall of humanity in the Garden of Eden. But what if it’s more than that? What if Adam’s chief sin was his desire for power and control over God and Eve? Being made in God’s image wasn’t enough for Adam. Having all of creation be subject to him wasn’t enough. Having an equal partner to rule creation with wasn’t enough. He wanted to be God so that he wouldn’t have to answer to his Creator and could rule creation on his own terms. The desire for self as God instead of the Creator is the birth of narcissism. We’ve seen throughout history just how deep this desire runs through the hearts of humanity. So much pain and evil has been inflicted on Adam’s children as a result of his choice to rebel against God.

    The irony is that no matter how much Adam and all of humanity that has come after him who seek to be God, they will never achieve it. The created can never become the Creator. We will never know or possess ultimate power. That belongs to God.

    Men and women who have proclaimed themselves to be God since the fall – apart from Jesus Christ – have all suffered the same fate. They all died and have remained dead. They all will stand before God at the great white throne judgement and have to give an account of their lives. Pharaohs, Kings, Queens, Emperors, Presidents, Congressmen and women, Popes, Bishops, Cardinals and many more have all sought out to be God and failed. In the process, they’ve inflicted their fellow image-bearers with unspeakable evil – death, torture, theft, rape, and so much more. Each day the cup of God’s wrath gets closer to completion as the RASNs of today seek power and strive to be God when they are not.

    As Christ followers, we are called not to seek out power and control as the world does, but to use the power we have to serve each other, to stand up in the face of abuse, injustice, and corruption and care for His people as Christ did. The greatest in the kingdom is the servant of all, not the celebrity pastor or para-church minister who’s got friends in high places. We are to model Christ to each other, not seek to rule each other.

    Please understand the distinction between made in the image of God and a child of God. All humans are made in the image of God – including RASNs – but not all humans are children of God. Being a child of God requires repentance of one’s sin, placing their faith in Christ, then spending the rest of their days being sanctified by walking out their salvation with fear and trembling. We will know them by their fruit. Bad fruit tells the truth about the person claiming to be good.

    Bad fruit will be cut off and thrown in the fire. RASNs live a life filled with bad fruit. They want to be God and will do whatever necessary to make that a reality. They will manipulate, lie, cheat, steal, and inflict whatever harm they deem necessary to get their desired outcome. Flee from them if you can. God doesn’t want you to subject yourself to a lifetime of abuse. I understand it can be hard. I understand it can be scary. I’ve lived it too. I had to depart from my entire family because the abuse was so destructive to me.

    I do want to say that it is worth leaving the abuse if you can. It’s why I believe every person needs to develop their own skills and gifts that – if needed – they can go and make a living at. It’s why I don’t believe that teaching girls that getting married is the best thing (or only godly thing) they can do with their lives. Before you get married, make sure you have skills that you can earn a living at. You never know what is going to happen – even if you do end up with a godly spouse. Accidents happen. Premature death happens. Becoming disabled happens. It’s better to have the skills and not have to use them than to place all your eggs in one basket and pray that none of them break.

    May you continue to grow in wisdom and spiritual maturity. Who the son sets free is free indeed. Be free in Christ.

    • Absolutely! Skills. No one taught me early. I had to learn by being taught by the Lord over decades. Even now I have to make myself be on guard because prideful, power seekers can come creeping along and violate boundaries before you know it.

    • From what I can discern from the scriptures, Adam’s failure was not so much due to pride (the main characteristic of the serpent BTW) but rather Adam seems to lack faith that God would somehow redeem Eve so she could still be with him.; or that God could fashion a suitable replacement from his remaining ribs? It appears to me that having future access to his formerly perfect wife Eve was deemed more important to Adam than obeying God’s commands. Faced with such a situation I would have no doubt failed in the same way or worse.

      Steve Nelson

    • Kate

      Thank you, Lynn, for such a thorough and thoughtful, response! It’s amazing how much about reality and human nature we can learn from scripture. Sadly, the well-rounded and therefore TRUTHFUL view is rarely found at church. It’s often only after God opens our eyes through major evil/traumatic events, that He then opens up His word to us.

      When God was first waking me up to His truth through His word and in my life (reality), I came to realize I had been completely and thoroughly groomed and mind-controlled by all the forces at play to do this. Psychology, media, movies and tv shows, the church, and all other venues the evil ones use to keep us enslaved. It took a few years to get strong enough and trust God enough, to then refuse to go back to sleep. It’s a daunting task but it was never my plan, but God’s. He desires to have His children aware of the truth so they can turn and help others who belong to Him, as well as know that He is in control and loves His own people.

      I have found that all the cognitive knowledge of truth is not enough for me. I need God’s sweet, loving heart. I need to dwell on His love for me, even when I can’t “feel” it. When I first learned the truth about the fact that many humans had seared consciences and therefore desired power, control, and the ability to manipulate everything including perception of reality for the entire world, I was sick and horrified! But since it’s real and true, God eventually settled me in and now I can deal with it.

      It easily and readily explains how the Holocaust and all historical evil has been carried out, as well as the pattern of it. The worthless ones only have so many plays in their playbook because God only allows them to have a certain amount of power. They can only operate in a certain way, and it always goes back to their soul wanting to be God and therefore worshipped.

      The evil ones HATE when we know what they are and no longer try to help them. They are nothing more than game-players so when we refuse to play, or pray for them, or listen to them and take their counsel etc., they would rather we be eliminated. Unlike those with a conscience who can learn, mourn, and walk away from them, they want us destroyed.

      Ah, the things we DON’T learn at church or Sunday School! I will take every drop of truth that God shows me and thank him that he created hell. Not one of these evil beings will escape it. Justice will be served to them by God himself in a very short time…not one of them understands this most basic truth. In the understanding of this aspect alone, we can fear God and therefore live.

  2. Z

    Hi Kate,
    I have a similar, waaay too long background of being groomed and taught by my entire clan of false Christians. My abusers/ex-parents, my ex-siblings who were so so enmeshed with their parents/abusers and now as adults they idolize and put them on a pedestal even MORE since I cut off all contact and exposed their last most violent criminal abuses. Codependent, flying monkey siblings who now target me even more than before. The entire extended family who knew of the child (even infant-age) violent abuses we suffered and they KNEW of first-hand. Eye and ear witnesses of the abuses many times. They did NOTHING to comfort or help abused children in their own extended family. Enablers of the abusers instead. While they professed to be the most saintly Christians of all
    I knew at a young age you cannot be BOTH. A true Christian cannot have close fellowship with and embrace known abusers who pose as Christians. I knew hypocrisy when I saw and lived it. So I am in No Contact with everyone who is in contact with my abusers-these “seared conscience” evil ones. Instead of obeying God’s Word and NOT associating with such people, they care more about what the abusers-who have exerted power and control over them as well all their lives instilling fear while also giving many many gifts, etc. to groom their enabling and idol worship. So they know what these people are firsthand that way too. They fear and idolize man more than the God they profess to worship, serve and fear. A clear Biblical indication of false Christianity. We see by their ACTIONS they don’t really believe God is Who He says He is. Not His power to send them to hell.
    So I have given all those people and their evil acts done to me over to God to handle for me. I am done with them. They will never repent. My ex-father is 92 and mother 87-close to their ends. And they do NOT FEAR GOD OR HELL at all! How can anyone believe they are born again with their lifetimes of evil that continue even now against me-a true child of God? But this clan are all on the same page. Repeated the words to the Sinner’s Prayer once back in the 70’s and Boom! Saved forever! No change of behavior needed. No godly sorrow for their sins. No true repentance as evidence by their not changing ONE wicked thing they were doing. ALL kinds of sins continued as always! Numerous continuous financial frauds and schemes, pornography distribution business out of our family home, drug use, sexual perversions (all done openly in front of us kids), daily physical Domestic Violence between parents in front of already terrorized children and of course all of the many horrific child abuses by both parents that turned into adult child abuses. When we got older, they likely feared physical retaliation from one of us at some point. So they changed their tactics to threats of violence with weapons and more verbal and mental abuses. Triangulation of their adult kids and their families. Fostering competition and hatred among us. Taunting, insulting and derogatory speech of an epic nature. Hostile deep demonic stuff.
    And the other siblings fell in line and carried their evil water. Even though they too were the butts of that verbal abuse.
    I was consistently the most viciously targeted one. The only truth teller since a young age. The one who kept my distance from them all. God gave me gifts and skills and ways to survive as best I could. My “escape” (of my own making, which I thought was right but was sooo wrong-but “normal” and a common mistake for an adult who was groomed as a child to believe the ABNORMAL things I grew up around were NORMAL in a family because EVERYTHING was abnormal) was to marry ASAP after college to the only boyfriend I ever had. He had all the red flags of an abuser and I did recognize them as such just like I did in my own family of origin. But I thought getting away from that house was paramount. I’d dreamed of it for so long I took the opportunity to get away. But he was a physical (and all the other abuses) abuser as bad as my father was to my mother which we witnessed daily as “normal”. Domestic Violence wasn’t even on my radar. Just getting myself away from them. But I was back in the fire. For 10 long years, since I left him so many times after the really bad physical attacks and had nowhere else to go but back “home” to my other abusers. And they always pushed me to go back to him. They encouraged me to “forgive” over and over and go back for more. Not out of “Christian false teachings-but they ENJOYED that their favorite but elusive target was being physically abused. I knew it would never change and was trapped. I stuffed it all inside. My entire false Christian hypocrite clan groomed me to accept the abuse. That God wanted the marriage saved at all costs. Even my death! NEVER once did anyone ever mention repentance before any forgiveness. Because none of these dynamics had anything to do with Christianity. You see, my ex-husband abuser also professed to be born again! As usual, Sinner’s Prayer said once. Boom! Saved forever! No change, repentance necessary. Same as all the clan and their children and spouses.
    All this phony Christianity had left me leery of real Christianity. So I held back from Jesus even though I considered myself a Christian. But that toxic “forgiveness” blasphemy of God’s Word and His heart really had me in bondage for decades. When I got free of the abusive marriage, i later remarried to a wonderful man now for 26 years. But I still had some contact with my ex-family. Abusive as always. Now to both of us. Until my ex-family went so far in their hated of my and my now-husband’s happiness, boundaries on their abuses and distance from them all, that they arranged an ambush weapon attack on us and carried it out when we went there out of duty and obligation on a Christmas Day. A brutal bludgeoning meant for me but that my husband took the brunt of to protect me. I called police and went No Contact. Also we sued them all for the damages/injuries to my husband that are severe and permanent. That’s when the clan really turned on me and showed their fangs. Their true demonic colors. And I simply walked away from them all forever.
    That’s my past (in part).
    My current issue, related to Kate’s comment, is an incident that happened days ago after the Hamas attack on Israel. A fellow lifelong Christian who I’ve communicated with online for many years and who knows all my background of family abuses and the attack on us more recently, as well as more current horrific things my ex-family has done and continues to do to me. He knows they want to destroy me. He endorsed my going No Contact and my calling the police and the lawsuit. He calls them rightly allies of satan.
    BUT! In his brief explanation of end times prophesies which he has studied deeply, he urged me that this is the time to “pray for your unsaved loved ones”. I took offense to that. He knows I have no “loved ones”. (My husband’s family are all narcissists who are busy jockeying for their father’s will at the moment so we stay away from them too.) So no “loved ones” to pray for in my view. And I will pray only, as I always do, for God to mete out His Divine Justice to each and every one of them according to their evil deeds, motives, intentions, words and hearts. Openly and in secret. Commensurate with the damage they have done to my husband and to me. They couldn’t be less repentant! They revel in their sins in the constant company of the clan that enables, supports and embraces them. Who all wear their masks of “saintly churchgoing Christians”. I pray for the lake of fire to be their just end. And I pray that God’s justice catches up with them while they are still alive. So far they’ve enjoyed their lives immensely while I and my husband-both truly born again-have suffered tremendously and continue to. Mental and physical damages and suffering. They have a large “support group” and social circle while we have no one. Isolation. May it be turned around onto their own heads.
    But I was shocked by my online brother, a very supportive and faithful friend to us and solid Christian always in the past, to have urged me to pray for God to save these depraved and malignant people who don’t want to be saved if it means trying to stop their sins!
    I wrote back explaining why I thought it was inappropriate for him to put that burden on us-the victims of these satan-followers. He did not respond. I’m sure he disagrees with my stance. It’s very disappointing that the false burden of “forgiveness of ” and “praying for” those even God would not have us forgive or pray for because of the depth of their seared consciences.
    Kate, I like the way you put it:
    “When I first learned the truth about the fact that many humans had seared consciences and therefore desired power, control, and the ability to manipulate everything including perception of reality for the entire world, I was sick and horrified! But since it’s real and true, God eventually settled me in and now I can deal with it.”
    Through the Holy Spirit I too am dealing well with never thinking of those people again. I ask God to erase them from my memory! I pray Imprecatory prayers against them. I will not pray FOR them and I think God would approve.
    But when even longtime very educated Christians such as this man, who I assume means well, have that mindset, it makes me so sad that there is so much work to be done to try to educate Christians about evil creeping into churches and being so welcomed. And the additional abuse of false burdens being placed on the victims of those evil “Christians”. Even when church people KNOW how evil those people are! Wow! This was eye-opening to me.
    But Pastor, I’m sure you are not surprised. We are like voices in the vast wilderness of Christ’s church. And well-meaning people who claim to know Him still don’t get it.

    • Kate


      More valuable than gold.

      And how the worthless ones most quickly identify us. They (RASNs) consider us to be excellent prey, and good for sport and game-playing (torture).

      Years ago, when God was first waking me up, I found many good websites for abuse victims. They explained that if your empathy is tweaked…if you have a surge of “feeling sorry for someone,” pay closer attention. and you will usually see a RASN. This has proven to be a red flag ever since.

      Your Christian “friend” asking you to pray for evil feels like he is trying to open your empathy gate. Like the bible verse says, “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” (Proverbs 4:23). This gate is meant only for those God deems worthy, and it will NEVER be for a RASN.

      The gate as a boundary is often used to explain how the interloper will try to violate those who belong to God. Jesus is our Gate. (Type “gate” into your bible search and just start reading.) The narrow gate belongs to the few of us. Those who belong to Jesus as put in His hands by God himself. Indwelt by the Holy Spirit. When we know someone is a RASN and pray for them or offer our empathy, we violate that boundary.

      This man has shown his heart to you. God has shown you his true colors. A gift worth more than gold.

      • Z

        Thank you, Kate, for that wise reply. It confirmed what I used as my Scriptural basis for NOT praying for evil ones. That I protect the peace God Himself has given me, by providing for my escape from this evil, by now “guarding my heart” better than I did in the past. My empathy for my clearly evil “family” was out of duty and obligation to “family” due to false teachings by false Christians within that clan about idolizing “family” (and marriage) no matter how evil. If a person professed to be a Christian, the clan accepted that as proof despite a mountain of evidence to the contrary. Like my abusive ex-family. So I didn’t feel love or guilt about seeing them as evil. I was misguided by wolf enablers. I’ve cut all those evil ones out of any access to me ever again.
        Maybe there also was a tiny bit of normal wishful thinking and hoping someday I could have a real family. But not much realistic possibility, I knew.
        You are right in line with my view of my online friend having a similar false teaching about evil. He seems to be trying to bring them back to my mind and spirit! When I’ve worked so hard to let God REMOVE all traces of them from me. I won’t let that happen! This is God-given wisdom.
        Thank you again for your validation and keen understanding of the wicked ones.

  3. Lynn

    Praying that God will change the heart of a RASN from its evil insanity is a fruitless endeavor. The only prayer worth praying against RASNs are imprecatory prayers where we humbly ask God to fulfill his promise to the wicked as outlined in the Bible.

    God does not force himself upon anyone. He is the Great Physician who offers humanity the only cure for the disease known as sin. It is a vaccine made from the blood of his son. It is the only way to be eternally cured from the disease. It is the only thing that can purify an unclean people from the requirements of a perfect and holy God. But you have to accept the vaccine and its side effects. The side effects will include a change in your behavior, a desire to what is right in God’s eyes, a willingness to make restitution to the people you’ve wronged, loss of family and/or friends who refuse to believe in and take the vaccine, resistance and persecution by anti-vaxxers who believe taking God’s vaccine will destroy their lives or that is not really needed to remove the disease of sin. After vaccination, your body will fight against the vaccine to return back to its prior state, But over time, as the vaccine takes control over every cell of your body, sanctifying and cleansing it of all impurities, it will weaken your desire to return to the pre-vaccinated state.

    We must remind ourselves, God knows who has a heart of stone and who has hearts of flesh because he chose his people before the foundations of the earth. RASNs are not chosen by God. They are children of the devil who bear God’s image but lack his heart, nature and Spirit. They scoff, mock, and rage against the vaccine offered to them because they don’t see the need for it, They believe if there is need of a vaccine to cleanse them of their sin, they should be the ones to create it, not God.

    Remember RASNs like who they are as sinners. They don’t care about what happens in eternity because they believe the delusions sent to them by God for their continued rebellion against him in their earthly life. They are not thankful for all that God has given them. They spent their lives reject the free gift of God because they believe they are owed all of the good things by God and none of the bad. That’s where they are wrong. God doesn’t owe anyone anything. He doesn’t owe us the air we breathe, the rain that falls to water the crops. The sun to light our way and warm the earth to the exact temperature range conducive for human life to exist and flourish. The house they have. The food on the table. The job they work at. The good health and medicine they currently enjoy. They are owed none of that. It is but for the grace of God that they get the privilege to experience it at all. That is the deepest part of the deception the RASNs have wrapped themselves in. They believe tat God owes them, not the other way around.

    We are all offered God’s gift of salvation through Jesus, RASNs included. Only through the power of the Holy Spirit are his people awakened to the desire to accept God’s gift, repent, and spend the rest of our lives in service to Christ. They are willing to risk it all, look foolish endure great hardship, trials and tribulation in order to be counted amongst God’s people on the final judgement day. Belief in Christ is foolishness to everyone else.

    The earth dwellers love themselves more than God. They love comfort, pleasure, power, control, and everything else that Babylon promises if they just surrender their souls to the god of this world. It’s why so many do. They can’t see the destruction they are hurtling towards at breakneck speed. Before you know it, they will perish, and be faced with the reality they spent their whole earthly life living in denial of.

    We must always remember, RASNs like who they are. They have no desire to change. No amount of pain and prayer for their salvation will change that. They want to be God just like their father the devil does. They do not see anything wrong with their behavior because it either gets them the results they want or it gives them an enemy to fight against. Either option gets them the supply they believe they are owed.

    As much as you are able, flee from the RASNs in your midst. Do whatever it takes to break free and stay free from them. It’s why I mentioned in my original post to make sure you cultivate skills that you can make a living off of. It is much easier to leave, if you know you have the ability to provide for yourself and aren’t reliant on them for anything. Financial ties are some of the hardest to break. They leave us feeling helpless when we don’t have the skills we need to take back control over our own lives. I know because I’ve been there at earlier points in my life. I’ve had to stay in abusive relationships for longer than I wanted because I didn’t have the skills to provide for myself.

    It will be hard. You will lose relationships over it, but the peace and freedom that comes is worth it. In Proverbs 21:19 it says – It is better to dwell in the wilderness, than with a contentious and an angry woman [or man]. The brackets are my own addition, but are applicable. God is explicitly telling us that it is better to live in the wilderness – like the Israelites did for 40 years – than it is to live with a RASN. Does that mean that leaving a RASN will automatically force you to live in the wilderness? Not necessarily, but it is a possibility. As scary and painful as wildernesses can be, they are also the place where we are most likely to encounter God. It’s where we come to grips with our own inadequacies and are reminded of our deep dependence on God.

    We are but finite creatures whose lives are but breath, vapor. Here today, gone tomorrow. But when we find ourselves in Christ, we find hope, freedom, and a love that surpasses all understanding, that can and will sustain us till we pass from this life or Christ returns triumphant. Embrace the son, and walk with him in freedom. For who the son sets free is free indeed.

    • Z

      So very well said. I can also attest, IT IS HARD when you have to walk away from all your “family” and all the allies and enablers-friends and relatives and church people you thought knew your heart by your fruit all your life. And to NEVER look back with false hope.
      In my case it was a wilderness I encountered after God made my way of escape. But it WAS there that I really learned my utter dependence on Jesus for everything.
      I’m still in a wilderness of sorts. I do have my husband-an excellent godly man-and my dog. God hasn’t (yet) seen fit to send new friends into our orbit. Hard when the orbit is our home! Retired and older, it’s hard to break into the lives of people who already have their set group of people/family and aren’t very open to new friends. We aren’t socially active. And we are wary of barreling into new acquaintances just for the sake of companionship and support. More people than not seem to have red flags! So I leave this all in God’s hands. He sees the beginning to the end and only He knows who the right people for us will be. Or maybe none will. Jesus has been and will continue to be our Best Friend!
      God bless you, Lynn, in your new life journey necessitated by damage you were born into like me and never asked for. And for your insights.


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