Unholy Charade - Jeff Crippen

Unmasking the Domestic Abuser in the Church

Author: Jeff Crippen Page 11 of 88

What did the Beggar Lazarus Look Like then?

By

On May 8, 2024

In heaven,

“There was a rich man who was clothed in purple and fine linen and who feasted sumptuously every day. And at his gate was laid a poor man named Lazarus, covered with sores, who desired to be fed with what fell from the rich man’s table. Moreover, even the dogs came and licked his sores. The poor man died and was carried by the angels to Abraham’s side. The rich man also died and was buried, and in Hades, being in torment, he lifted up his eyes and saw Abraham far off and Lazarus at his side. (Luke 16:19-23)

The poor man. The beggar. Lazarus – covered with sores, starving, licked by dogs. The scum of the earth, revolting to and detested by the rich man and most all of the world. But what does Lazarus look like now?

If you are a Christian, and by that I mean, a real Christian, a new creation born again by faith in Christ, what are you in this world? How do you appear to the world? The Apostle Paul tells us how he look in the eyes of those who were wise in this present age:

For I think that God has exhibited us apostles as last of all, like men sentenced to death, because we have become a spectacle to the world, to angels, and to men. We are fools for Christ’s sake, but you are wise in Christ. We are weak, but you are strong. You are held in honor, but we in disrepute. To the present hour we hunger and thirst, we are poorly dressed and buffeted and homeless, and we labor, working with our own hands. When reviled, we bless; when persecuted, we endure; when slandered, we entreat. We have become, and are still, like the scum of the world, the refuse of all things. (1Corinthians 4:9-13)

How do YOU regard yourself? Have you perhaps at least in part bought into the world’s notion of you? That you are Lazarus? Disgusting. Detestable. A fool. The scum of the world, the garbage of all things? Your RASN will certainly tell you so. There he or she is – clothed with the best wardrobe, popular, envied – and then there is you.

The lies of the wicked are just that – lies. But we easily tend to believe them and can begin to think about ourselves as the enemy tells us we are. After all, so often Christ’s people really are in appearance and status like poor Lazarus, the scum of the world.

But….

Is this how the Lord sees us? Of course not. He sees us as we really are – as He has created us. As His beautiful bride, as His holy ones, as His beloved children. And such we really are!

But there is more.

How did Lazarus look on that day when the rich man lifted up his eyes in hell and saw Lazarus there across that uncrossable divide in the presence of Abraham? How did Lazarus look? The sores were gone. The protruding bones were no longer. His rags were replaced with the finest garments of righteousness. Lazarus was, in other words, glorious. He shone.

Do you realize, Christian, that one day when you depart this world and enter into the presence of Christ and the holy angels and the spirits of righteous men made perfect, that you will be glorious? That all heaven will marvel at YOU because of what God in Christ has made you? You will be on stage, you might say, and the innumerable hosts of heaven will be applauding for YOU and yet giving all glory to Christ for fashioning you into the glorious, sinless, beautiful creation.

The wicked regard you as a fool, as scum, as refuse (a nice word for “garbage”) if you truly belong to Christ. Was this not how Jesus Himself was regarded? Of course. We His servants are not better than our Master. If they hate Him, they will hate us. But Satan’s accusations of us are lies – all lies. And on that Day, for all who run the race in faith, persevering to the end, their entrance into Christ’s presence will be the focus of all of heaven. You will be on stage, and you will win the prize. Just like Lazarus.

Amazing Insight of John Bunyan into the Evil Mind of the RASN

By

On May 6, 2024

In Abusers, Evil

Most of you know John Bunyan as the author of Pilgrim’s Progress. But he wrote other books as well and one of those is entitled “The Life and Death of Mr. Badman.” It is an account of an evil man’s pilgrimage – to hell. The following is an excerpt from that book in which Bunyan explores and exposes the incredibly wicked tactics of Mr. Badman in deceiving a young Christian woman whose money he was after. Here is how this particular chapter begins:

“The thing was this. He wanted a wife − or rather, money. Because, as for a woman, he could have prostitutes enough. All he had to do was whistle, and they’d come to do his bidding. But, as I said, he wanted money and decided he must get it through a wife or no way at all. He couldn’t easily get a wife either, unless he became an artist at misleading. And he couldn’t successfully mislead among people who could put on an act as well as he could.”

“But a young woman lived near him who was both godly and had a good portion of money, but how to get her – this would take all his cunning. He called a council made up of some of his most trusty, sly companions, and shared his thoughts with them, namely, that he had decided to marry − and he also told them to whom. “But,” he said, “how will I accomplish my goal? She’s religious, and I’m not.” One of his companions replied, “Since she’s religious, you must pretend to be the same, and you must do this for some time before you approach her.

“Watch where she goes each day to hear the Word taught and go there too. But when you do, be sure to behave like you are serious as if you like the Word and think it wonderful. Make sure to stand where she can see you, and when you walk home, be sure you walk the street like one with a clear head and go within sight of her. Once you’ve done this for a while, then go to her.

“First talk about how sorry you are for your past sins, and show great love for the religion she is part of, and speak well about her preachers. Then mention how happy you are to make her godly acquaintance, and express sorrow that your difficult circumstances prevented you from meeting with her and the believers she meets with sooner. This is the way to get her. “

“Also, you must write down sermons, talk about Scripture, and deny that you came to woo her, but that you are only drawn to her because she is godly, and that you would consider it your greatest happiness if you might have such a relationship in the future. As for her money, disregard it. Act as if it is the furthest thing from your mind. This is the way to gain quickest access to it, because in the beginning she will be protective of it and will think you are only after her money. So make no mention of it. Do this and see if you don’t catch the young woman.” And so, in this manner, the snare was laid for this poor honest maiden, and she was quickly caught in his pit.

Bunyan, John. The Life and Death of Mr. Badman (Updated, Illustrated): An Analysis of a Wicked Man’s Life, as a Warning for Others (Bunyan Updated Classics Book 4) (pp. 73-74). Aneko Press. Kindle Edition.

RASNs Dig up the Past (and twist it)

By

On May 4, 2024

In Abusers, Evil

“Their throat is an open grave; they use their tongues to deceive.” “The venom of asps is under their lips.” “Their mouth is full of curses and bitterness.” (Rom 3:13-14)

Narcissistic abusers and their kind (RASNs) dig up the past. And they will do so entirely out of context. By that I mean that the subject they bring up is not even on the table in the current discussion. It’s this kind of thing, a kind of historical gaslighting:

I remember when you just left me behind that time.

Well, you remember that time when you didn’t keep your promise?

I remember when you treated that person so badly.

Historical gaslighting. It’s historical because they are digging something up out of the past. And it is gaslighting because it distorts the truth and makes you the culprit to be blamed. All of it of course is designed to accuse you and make you guilty in the eyes of others who happen to be present.

“You know, Jeff, I just cannot forget how you let us down that time three years ago.” Those were actual words spoken in front of others immediately after a church service. No one was talking about anything that happened three years ago and the conversation was edifying and kind. But the woman who fired this dart was (I didn’t realize it at the time) a classic narcissist who expended great energy on being the focus of the universe. Narcissists take just about anything you say or do, personally. They take it as an affront when your intention was nothing like that at all. So this woman continued to hold a grudge against me and work to punish me because I had decided not to do something three years earlier that she was demanding. By the time she ran the read event through her narcissistic blame machine, it turned out to be a selfish, mean, thoughtless act on my part.

This lady, by the way, enjoyed the adulation of a large part of the community. She was, in the eyes of most, a real Christian saint, a servant of the Lord who devoted her energies to the church and leading people to Christ. In fact and in reality she was an incredibly mean and vindictive person out to get glory for herself.

I am sure most of you can identify with these kinds of things. This is what makes a healthy relationship with RASNs impossible. And it is why you cannot fix a RASN. I have tried. All that will happen is that these kind just throw it all back at you. It’s all your fault. You are the one who sinned. You are the one to be blamed. Any sin or evil that you bring up to confront them is not admitted in their courtroom. All that matters is that you are on trial. You are guilty. As for them, they have a standing get out of jail free card that washes away any wrongdoing on their part.

Dr. Phil is Right on – This is a must listen

By

On May 2, 2024

In Abusers, Evil, Narcissist

I don’t follow Dr. Phil, but I came across this talk he gave on the narcissistic personality. I listened to it and before I finished I knew I needed to share it. We watched it last Sunday in the morning class and I sent the link to our people who follow online. I received numbers of responses – all positive – some saying “this needs to be shown in every church.” This is the first of an 8 part series on this subject and other personality disorders. If you want some real help wising up to what makes our RASN’s tick, watch this video and his subsequent ones. I NEVER learned these things in seminary and yet for the past 40 years of pastoral ministry I have almost constantly been attacked by these kind. If we don’t know they exist and what they are, we will never understand what is really happening. Also, the Scriptures which address these evil ones will begin to really come alive for you when you learn about them.

Narcissistic Personalities – Toxic Personalities in the Real World

The Abuser is Malignantly Jealous of Your Successes

By

On April 27, 2024

In Evil, jealousy, jealousy

Pro 27:4 Wrath is cruel, anger is overwhelming, but who can stand before jealousy?

The sin of jealousy is, as the verse above says, particularly destructive. Now, God Himself, we know, is a jealous God. That is, He is jealous for His own glory – idolatry moves Him to a holy jealousy. But man’s jealousy for self-glory is evil. The RASN (reviler, abuser, sociopath, narcissist) is characterized by jealousy – a malignant, evil, destroying jealousy. Let me explain.

Because the RASN has a mentality of superiority and entitlement, a lust to be the center of the universe and a demand that everyone supply his ego, the successes of others moves him or her to intense envy. This is why so many domestic abuse victims will tell how their abuser sought to sabotage the victim’s successes. A job promotion for the victim provokes the RASN to jealousy for instance. The RASN will harass the victim at work in various ways to tear down her ability to succeed there. Friendships feed his jealousy. The love of children for the victim feed the abuser’s jealousy.

This evil jealousy produces within the RASN feelings and attitudes of contempt for the victim. I have seen it in their eyes and most of you have as well. You are succeeding and the RASN hates you for it. A normal person would be glad for you, but not the RASN. You are stealing his place in the limelight, as he sees it. So he despises you with his words, with his behaviors, with his nuances.

This jealousy things is wicked, wicked, wicked. It really is what motivated Satan when he fell from his original position in heaven:

Isa 14:13-14 You said in your heart, ‘I will ascend to heaven; above the stars of God I will set my throne on high; I will sit on the mount of assembly in the far reaches of the north; (14) I will ascend above the heights of the clouds; I will make myself like the Most High.’

Jealousy and envy are a horrible, wicked, dark and devilish sin, the prognosis for which is a virtual certain negative outcome. Trying to “fix” a RASN and hoping they will one day see their sin and repent is a flight of fancy. Your very efforts to “fix” them will only be further fuel for their contempt.

Vengeance is an Ugly Thing – Unless the Lord is Wielding it

By

On April 26, 2024

In Evil, forgiveness

Rom 12:19 Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.”

There is a reason that we are prohibited as individuals from taking revenge on someone. We are not to do so even in regard to our enemies. Why? Because human beings are not qualified to dish out revenge. We do not send people to hell – only the Lord does. Inevitably anyone who tries to bear the sword of revenge will be consumed by it himself.

We know people who have been grievously wronged by very evil people. Many of you have. But whenever I see a lust for vengeance in, for example, an abuse victim, I know they are going down a dangerous and sinful path. A lust for revenge is consuming. In the very next verses Paul says:

Rom 12:20-21 To the contrary, “if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by so doing you will heap burning coals on his head.” (21) Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

Don’t be overcome by evil. And that is where the road to vengeance takes us. No wonder the Lord tells us to leave vengeance to Him. He promises to pour out His wrath upon the wicked. And He will do so in perfect justice.

Another thing happens when a person craves revenge and takes steps to get it for himself. They become a toxic person themselves. I know this by hard experience. People who are characterized with a craving for revenge will ultimately turn on others as well. The quest for vengeance increasingly consumes them. It drives them and they become characterized by it.

We do not have to become our enemy’s best buddy. We aren’t required to just “let bygones be bygones.” To do so would be unwise when it comes to someone who is an enemy and desires to destroy us. But if we find an enemy laying in a ditch beside his/her wrecked car, we do not look and say “good! You got what you deserve,” and then drive on. No. We stop, we render aid and thereby divine coals of judgment are heaped upon them. Sometimes even repentance might result.

If you are a victim/survivor of domestic abuse or some other heinous evil, take care. Do not be consumed by a lust for revenge. Otherwise you may just become an abuser yourself.

We Grow Accustomed to the Abnormal and Think it is Normal

By

On April 24, 2024

In Abusers, Evil

Gal 4:8 Formerly, when you did not know God, you were enslaved to those that by nature are not gods.

When we were still dead in our sins, when we did not know God, we were enslaved. We were blind to our condition. Satan had us in bondage leading us to and fro. And we thought our lives were normal. Perhaps we wished for better circumstances, but in the wisdom of the world we thought things were going normally.

But then, when Christ in His mercy laid hold of us, sent His Spirit to us to enlighten our minds and reveal Himself to us, the light came on and we realized we had been living in darkness. In abnormality. This life we were in before was not the life God created us for.

But we still fight a battle with the world, the flesh, and the devil. And in this battle we can often slide into thinking that what is happening to us at the hands of other people is normal. Let me explain.

I grew up in a family which professed to be Christian. We went to church pretty regularly. I made a profession of faith in Christ when I was about 8 years old. I thought that my family life was normal. It was what I knew. It was what my parents modeled to me. I mean, who wants to admit that their home and family are not normal at all?

But in God’s sight, my family of origin was abnormal. Things were not functioning as they were meant to function. I never saw my father pray or read his Bible. My parents never talked to me or my sisters about the Lord. There was a sense of shame regarding spiritual things. Talk all you want about plans for college, or hunting and fishing. But I knew not to speak of the really important matters of life. I was taught to be ashamed. How long does it take after the Lord shows us these things to get over and beyond the damage done? In ways, a lifetime.

When people spend years in an abusive relationship – be it marriage, parents, siblings, or other toxic people – the thing becomes like that old song – I’ve grown accustomed to your face….”. Toxic relationships are anything but normal, if we define normal as relationships in tune with God’s purpose and truth for us. There is a blindness to the thing.

For instance, I have actually defended narcissists who I believed to be my friends. I saw flaws and even sins in them, but I wrote them off as imperfections to be patiently borne with and forgiven. When others would point out narcissistic behaviors in these people, my tendency was to respond with, “oh yes, I know. That wasn’t right. But….”.

However, the point came when the Lord opened my eyes to the abnormal, to the evil, so that I started to see the thing for what it was and I realized that I had been in a very toxic relationship, used and abused by people who never loved me (or anyone) at all. Our tendency especially as Christians, is to believe the best and to forgive. But when it comes to evil, to unrepentant wickedness, to this RASN thing (revilers, abusers, sociopaths, narcissists), believing the best is to believe a lie.

I bet that most of you, like myself, have often beat yourself up a bit once you saw the RASN for what he/she is. “How could I have been so stupid?!” “Why in the world did I let him get away with that?” The answer is because sin and evil are incredibly deceptive, they wear a disguise, and we are not born into this life with a full deck when it comes to discerning wickedness. But in Christ we grow. The Holy Spirit works in us to enable us to discern the normal from the abnormal. Righteousness is normal in the sense that it is God’s will for us, even though the norm in a fallen world is wickedness.

It is not an easy thing for us to understand and admit that someone we believed loved us – never did. That, for instance, my father’s failure to instruct me in Godliness shows that he was an utter failure as a father when it came to the truly important things in life. That my family of origin was unhealthy in so many ways (and that I contributed to that unhealthiness too!).

One time, a few years before he died, I was visiting my parents and I told my father, “You know, dad, I was really very selfish when I was a teenager and I was not thankful to you for providing for me. But I want you to know that I am thankful and that I have changed.” His response was an uncomfortable, sheepish – “Oh well, I have changed too. Say, how do you like your new boat?” Cue to move on and stick to more comfortable (ie, shallow) subjects.

So I grew up in an extremely abnormal home where I was taught to be ashamed of Christ. Where discussion of deeper subjects was squelched. I thought it was normal.

When you were in bondage to your abuser, you probably did not realize just how terribly abnormal your life was. How terribly abnormal the things your abuser did were. And this blindness is a big part of the power the abuser holds over his victim.

The Abuser is an Immature, Selfish Child

By

On April 22, 2024

In Abusers

One of the first words a child learns is….”mine!” That we are all born into this world in a fallen, sinful condition is evident. You do not need to teach your children to sin – they know how by nature. Mine!! And the battle is on if he doesn’t get what he demands. Our Labrador Mocha is like that. There can be dog toys laying all over the floor and she pays them no notice until our other dog Cinder picks one up. Mine!!

Abusers are selfish children. They have never grown up emotionally, mentally, or spiritually. They will have their way…or else! In their own way they throw tantrums and punish people when they don’t yield to them. In fact I know children and Labradors who are more mature!

So what happened to them? Sometime, somewhere, in someplace, abusers locked into immaturity. They chose to remain perpetual 3 year olds, only as they grew physically and more sophisticated in evil and obtained more resources, the harm they do became much greater than a 3 year old could pull off. They are selfish, they demand their own way, they lash out at others, they lie, and they punish anyone who dare tell them the truth about themselves.

Abusers can be very intelligent people with high IQ’s. They can excel in their field of study or career. But they remain selfish, mean, children who have “give me what is mine, or else” plastered on their person.

Will they ever grow up? Nope. It won’t happen and if you think you can fix them you will only have hard and painful lessons ahead of you.

The “Right Now” in the Moment Thinking of the Abuser

By

On April 17, 2024

In Abusers

I recently heard Dr. Les Carter (find him on Youtube) mention this “right now” mentality of the narcissist and I wanted to call it to your attention. This is a very, very typical characteristic of the RASN (reviler, abuser, sociopath, narcissist) and it is one reason the Bible calls wicked people, fools.

RASNs do not think about the consequences of their abuse. They don’t look ahead. They only operate in the moment, and specifically in the moment when they engage their abusive, evil tactics. Largely this is because they want immediate satisfaction against their target. They want things like revenge. Vengeance is mine, says the RASN. And I will have it now.

But wait, Mr. RASN, did you ever take even a moment to consider the consequences of your actions? The answer is, “no.” He doesn’t. He doesn’t consider the harm his actions might do, or the longer-term effects. He doesn’t even consider the negative effects that will come about on himself! All he knows is that he has been “wronged,” and he is going to punish. He never mulls over even for a second wisdom like this:

So also the tongue is a small part of the body, and yet it boasts of great things. See how great a forest is set aflame by such a small fire! (James 3:5)

And so he destroys his marriage, he destroys his wife, he destroys and alienates his children, he harms himself economically, and he adds to the fires reserved for him on the Day of Judgment. But he gets his revenge, and that is all he cares about.

God Hands the Abuser Over to Evil – And it is Right to Escape

By

On April 15, 2024

In Abusers, Getting Free

Saul looked at David with suspicion from that day on. Now it came about on the next day that an evil spirit from God came mightily upon Saul, and he raved in the midst of the house, while David was playing the harp with his hand, as usual; and a spear was in Saul’s hand. Saul hurled the spear for he thought, “I will pin David to the wall.” But David escaped from his presence twice. Now Saul was afraid of David, for the LORD was with him but had departed from Saul. Therefore Saul removed him from his presence and appointed him as his commander of a thousand; and he went out and came in before the people. David was prospering in all his ways for the LORD was with him. When Saul saw that he was prospering greatly, he dreaded him. (1Sa 18:9-15)

My thanks to a friend who called this Scripture to my attention. King Saul is a clear picture of a RASN, of an abuser lusting for power and control, and there are important and encouraging lessons to be had here.

Saul, first of all, was jealous of David’s successes. So much so that his entire attitude toward David was one of suspicion. Suspicion of what? That David was working to take Saul’s throne. I think that Saul knew full well that David was the Lord’s anointed, that the Lord was with David and was not with him (Saul).

Domestic abusers regard their targeted victim with suspicion. Why? Because they see their spouse as a threat. I think that domestic abusers actually fear their victim. Why else would they expend so much energy and resources to keep them under control? “Now Saul was afraid of David, for the LORD was with him but had departed from Saul.”

Now, notice carefully that the time came when the Lord handed Saul over to evil. An evil spirit from God came mightily upon Saul. This is a very curious statement but it shows us that even Satan and his evil minions are under the Lord’s sovereignty. He uses even demons for His purposes.

Why did the Lord do this? It was a judgment upon Saul for his sin. The Lord hands the wicked over to evil when they refuse to repent. And in this case Saul “raved in the midst of the house.” His hatred for David was ignited into a flame of fury and he threw a spear at David in an attempt to kill him. How is this to be explained? Simply that Saul had been handed over to evil by the Lord. He chose the devil and to the devil he was given.

I believe that this very same thing happens in regard to the domestic abuser (and all other RASNs). The point comes when these self-hardened evildoers are given over to the power of their sin. Given to their father the devil so that they rage against all righteousness, especially the righteousness of their target of abuse. There is no return from this bondage. Abusers never change.

Notice very, very carefully what David did. He escaped from Saul’s presence. And he would continue to flee from him. He did not just remain there and “take it.” He fled. And the Lord protected him. The Lord approved of David escaping.

Wouldn’t you say that right here in these verses alone we have all the proof we need that the Lord authorizes victims of domestic abuse to escape? And wouldn’t you say that right here in these verses alone we are given insight into why the abuser hates and fears his victim, and why he so diligently and constantly seeks to control and even destroy them?

I can hear it now – “But marriage is different. This just concerns David and Saul, not husband and wife.”

Answer not a fool according to his folly.

Page 11 of 88

Previous

Next