Unmasking the Domestic Abuser in the Church

The Abuser is Malignantly Jealous of Your Successes

Pro 27:4 Wrath is cruel, anger is overwhelming, but who can stand before jealousy?

The sin of jealousy is, as the verse above says, particularly destructive. Now, God Himself, we know, is a jealous God. That is, He is jealous for His own glory – idolatry moves Him to a holy jealousy. But man’s jealousy for self-glory is evil. The RASN (reviler, abuser, sociopath, narcissist) is characterized by jealousy – a malignant, evil, destroying jealousy. Let me explain.

Because the RASN has a mentality of superiority and entitlement, a lust to be the center of the universe and a demand that everyone supply his ego, the successes of others moves him or her to intense envy. This is why so many domestic abuse victims will tell how their abuser sought to sabotage the victim’s successes. A job promotion for the victim provokes the RASN to jealousy for instance. The RASN will harass the victim at work in various ways to tear down her ability to succeed there. Friendships feed his jealousy. The love of children for the victim feed the abuser’s jealousy.

This evil jealousy produces within the RASN feelings and attitudes of contempt for the victim. I have seen it in their eyes and most of you have as well. You are succeeding and the RASN hates you for it. A normal person would be glad for you, but not the RASN. You are stealing his place in the limelight, as he sees it. So he despises you with his words, with his behaviors, with his nuances.

This jealousy things is wicked, wicked, wicked. It really is what motivated Satan when he fell from his original position in heaven:

Isa 14:13-14 You said in your heart, ‘I will ascend to heaven; above the stars of God I will set my throne on high; I will sit on the mount of assembly in the far reaches of the north; (14) I will ascend above the heights of the clouds; I will make myself like the Most High.’

Jealousy and envy are a horrible, wicked, dark and devilish sin, the prognosis for which is a virtual certain negative outcome. Trying to “fix” a RASN and hoping they will one day see their sin and repent is a flight of fancy. Your very efforts to “fix” them will only be further fuel for their contempt.


Vengeance is an Ugly Thing – Unless the Lord is Wielding it


Dr. Phil is Right on – This is a must listen


  1. George

    .10 Warn a divisive person once, and then warn them a second time. After that, have nothing to do with them. 11 You may be sure that such people are warped and sinful; they are self-condemned. Titus 3:10-11 . Everything they do is divisive. They won’t change because they don’t want to. That’s how warped their minds are. They believe the lie that Satan whispered to Eve. Have nothing to do with them!

  2. A Child of God

    A very timely word. This is the very heart of what is at work. From now on I interact from a distance. No updates, no explanations. Note when David handed back Saul’s spear he was more than a spear’s throw away.

  3. Winton

    Wow! I came across this site today after seeing your book on a churches website. I was in an abusive friendship for 25 years. It didn’t start out that way…as I matured spiritually I started to recognize things. As my husband became more successful (after about 15 years) I saw a HUGE change. She always talked negative about anyone I cared about…made comments about how my husband and I chose to shepherd our family. Then I WAS THE ONE WHO WAS ACTING “weird!” I tried talking to her but it all came back on me and I got the silent treatment for months. I talked a second time with a third part and she mocked me. It took me a few more years of trying to please her in my bondage and then I finally walked away. I felt so much GUILT! I received professional counseling from a believer. It’s taken me several years of counseling and prayer ministry to unravel all that happened and give myself permission to say, it was not my fault. She and her husband are now separated after over 30 years of marriage. He allowed her to control him! I’m looking forward to reading your book. I have had a lot of trust issues walking away from this friendship.

    • Thank you for sharing. Don’t beat yourself up. It took me 20 years more than once to understand that I was dealing with a narcissist.


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