Unholy Charade - Jeff Crippen

Unmasking the Domestic Abuser in the Church

Author: Jeff Crippen Page 80 of 88

Beware of the Popular Domestic Abuse "Advocates" Who insist they can Fix Abusers

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On February 20, 2019

In Churches/Church Response, False Teaching, Supporting Victims

1Co 5:11-13 But now I am writing to you not to associate with anyone who bears the name of brother if he is guilty of sexual immorality or greed, or is an idolater, reviler, drunkard, or swindler–not even to eat with such a one. (12) For what have I to do with judging outsiders? Is it not those inside the church whom you are to judge? (13) God judges those outside. “Purge the evil person from among you.”

One of the reasons I am not very popular with the “bigger” names in the domestic abuse ministry realm is because I maintain that we are not to waste our time and energy with programs and “ministries” designed to “fix” abusers. In fact, I maintain that abusers as we have defined them here in this blog do not change. They do not repent. And, in fact, they play us for fools when we try to “save” them.
And yet this is not the message most professing Christians want to hear. They like a “they all lived happily ever after” ending to the story. That is why things like this gain popularity for their practitioners:

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Who do we Really Want in our Churches? – Is "Everyone" Welcome?

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On February 18, 2019

In Churches/Church Response

Rev 2:14-16 But I have a few things against you: you have some there who hold the teaching of Balaam, who taught Balak to put a stumbling block before the sons of Israel, so that they might eat food sacrificed to idols and practice sexual immorality. (15) So also you have some who hold the teaching of the Nicolaitans. (16) Therefore repent. If not, I will come to you soon and war against them with the sword of my mouth.

How many times have you seen those church signs as you drive along?

“Everyone Welcome”

And so it seems in most local churches, everyone is welcome. “Come on in. Feel the love.” How foolish (or just plain rebellious) can we be!
Just a few moments of serious thought about what the Lord has written in the Scriptures will show us that in fact, not everyone is welcome in the Lord Jesus Christ’s church. Certainly not by Him. Why aren’t we following His lead?

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A Reminder – Sunday Sermon is Now at Light for Dark Times

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On February 16, 2019

In Blog News

Just a reminder for everyone that from this point on the Sunday morning sermon will be posted at Light For Dark Times instead of here at Unholy Charade. This is in keeping with our “remodeling” of LFDT’s to make it a, well, “virtual church” of Christ Reformation Church here in Tillamook. You will find a link there which will take you to Sermon Audio where the sermon is posted both in PDF format and Audio. The Audio will not be uploaded until Sunday afternoon PDT. 
As we have mentioned, we are making plans to enable us to upload a video recording of the sermon and you will already find our Sunday morning Order of Service at LFDT’s to help you participate with us.
If you consider us your church, which we invite all of you to do (if you are church homeless), please email us and let us know. That way we can keep a (private) roster of our extended fellowship. Feel free to use an alias for anonymity if you wish and no physical address or other identifiers is necessary.

False Teaching About "Gossip" Frequently Silences Victims+

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On February 15, 2019

In Churches/Church Response

A few years back I received a copy of a small book written by Pastor Marc J. Grimaldi entitled Gossip: The Church Killer. It included a letter from Pastor Grimaldi which indicated he had sent out a copy of his book to pastors such as myself. He said in the letter:

For the ten years that I have served in the gospel ministry, I have found gossip to be one of the deadliest sins, which eats away at the life of Christ’s church. It is amazing to see how a single conversation even, can bring a wave of disruption, with many hearts being infected by the spread of gossip, leading to major problems in the local church. Sadly, gossip is so underrated and precautions must be taken to preserve the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace, by inoculating our church members with a thorough understanding of the nature and danger of gossip….It is my hope that this short work will be a valuable tool for bringing the awareness of the danger of gossip to the local church, so that we might consciously seek to put this venomous asp to death, counteracting it with words that actually build up the body, rather than tear it down.

Now, I have no reason to believe that Pastor Grimaldi’s goal here is anything but what he has stated — to protect the church. However, most all of our readers  will agree that abusers absolutely love to accuse their victims of gossip if the victims tell anyone about the evils being done to them. And pastors and church members often do the same when an abuse victim comes forward to expose the evil and ask for help. “You are gossiping. Go home and respect your spouse.”

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Ephesians 5:11 and Exposing Evil – A Real Case

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On February 13, 2019

In Churches/Church Response

Take no part in the unfruitful works of darkness, but instead expose them. For it is shameful even to speak of the things that they do in secret. But when anything is exposed by the light, it becomes visible . (Eph 5:11-13)

Jesus exposed evil. The Light of the World does that. His people are the light of the world and we are to do the same evil-exposing that He did. His Word shows us the pattern:

Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you clean the outside of the cup and the plate, but inside they are full of greed and self-indulgence. (Matthew 23:25)
Alexander the coppersmith did me great harm; the Lord will repay him according to his deeds. Beware of him yourself, for he strongly opposed our message. (2 Timothy 4:14-15)
I have written something to the church, but Diotrephes, who likes to put himself first, does not acknowledge our authority. So if I come, I will bring up what he is doing, talking wicked nonsense against us. And not content with that, he refuses to welcome the brothers, and also stops those who want to and puts them out of the church. (3 John 1:9-10)
It is actually reported that there is sexual immorality among you, and of a kind that is not tolerated even among pagans, for a man has his father’s wife. And you are arrogant! Ought you not rather to mourn? Let him who has done this be removed from among you. (1 Cor 5:1-2)

Need I go on? This is the pattern of Light exposing evil as God commands. Is it the typical pattern we see in churches now? Hardly.

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The Wicked Have no Shame – Observations on the Abuser

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On February 11, 2019

In Abusers

Isa 2:17 And the haughtiness of man shall be humbled, and the lofty pride of men shall be brought low, and the LORD alone will be exalted in that day.

If you have ever experienced “life” with an abuser (which no doubt most of our readers have) then you understand what I mean when I say that abusers have no shame. After all, they are the center of the universe. They are never wrong, never to blame. They have no conscience. They are not repentant. No shame.
This shamelessness evidences itself regularly in such a person. After treating their victim cruelly for instance, they will sleep quite well and behave as if it never happened. “Hey, babe, how about getting me a beer?” Or, “what are you so glum about this morning?” They will insist that the victim do the forgiving and forgetting, and even the repenting. After all, ultimately the whole abuse scenario the evening before was the victim’s fault, you know.

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Abuse and the Doctrine of Headship and Submission Pt 3 – sermon by Ps Jeff Crippen

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On February 10, 2019

In Sermons

Abuse and the Doctrine of Headship and Submission Pt 3
Last sermon from the series:  The Psychology and Methods of Sin
A 21 sermon series on domestic violence and abuse
First given on January 9, 2011
Sermon Text:  1 Peter 3:1-7

NOTE: This is the final sermon in this series on domestic abuse in the church. It will of course remain available at sermonaudio.com/crc. Begining next Sunday, Feb 17th, we will be publishing the weekly Sunday sermons from Christ Reformation Church at our other blog, lightfordarktimes.com   You will find an important explanatory post there this morning which describes the changes we are making to that blog to make it a means through which our readers can fellowship with us at CRC, even as their own church if that is their desire and need. 
This blog, unholycharade.com, will remain the same, focusing upon exposing domestic abusers in the church and helping abuse victims come to clarity about abuse and get free. 

~~~~~

“Society usually labels women who are victimized by abusive men as fools for ever having gotten involved with them. But the word of God identifies the angry and abusive man as the one who is the fool.” [Elreta Dodds as quoted in Woman Submit! By Jocelyn Andersen]

And so it does! Nabal – the fool.

This morning we come to the last message in this series on Abuse and Domestic Violence which we have also called The Psychology of Sin, because in studying the mindset of the abusive person, we find ourselves gaining real insight into the very nature of sin. Sin, like the abusive man, craves power and control. It sees itself as profoundly entitled to have that power and control and entirely justified in using whatever means are necessary to get it and maintain it. What this evil does to its victims, we have only learned in part.

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Abuse and Pre-Marriage Counseling: We Must Change Our Approach+

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On February 8, 2019

In Counseling

There are scores of books written and designed to be used to counsel engaged couples, purporting to make them better prepared for marriage.  Many pastors insist on pre-marriage counseling before they will agree to perform a wedding.  I am sure that their intent is good, but frankly, I have never enjoyed nor felt any degree of excitement about this kind of counseling.  I have done it out of “duty.”  It is expected.  People think that we need to pull out all the stops and do everything we can to turn a shaky takeoff into a solid flight.
But it isn’t working, and I think we know it.

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Willful Blindness to Evil Enables the Wicked and Oppresses Victims+

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On February 6, 2019

In Churches/Church Response

Isaiah 56:10 His watchmen are blind; they are all without knowledge; they are all silent dogs; they cannot bark, dreaming, lying down, loving to slumber.

If you have experienced attacks from the wicked such as domestic abusers or sociopaths say, in the church, who demand to have power and control, then you know the reality of evil. You probably know something else too. Namely, the willful blindness to that evil that so many people choose to cling to. Don’t talk to them about it. Keep your mind on the “sunny side of life,” they say.
These are the kind of people who are “nice.” I don’t like this brand of “nice.” No matter what you say to these type about some evildoer, they will always respond with “the positive.” “Yes, that is terrible, but….” –

  • We just need to love him/her
  • Maybe he just misunderstood you or you misunderstood him
  • He is getting better than he used to be though, right?
  • You need to get past this
  • He/she is family though

And on and on, right? You’ve heard all this stuff before I am sure.
This brand of person is willfully blind to the presence of evil, the tactics of evil, and the mentality of evil. Willfully. Ignorance is not the problem when a person chooses to be ignorant of something. Civil law even acknowledges this. A person can be convicted of a crime or held liable for damages if they should have known something but chose to turn a blind eye to it. No, blindness isn’t the problem in these cases.
That is to say, always looking for the good in someone or something is not a noble attribute. It throws victims of abuse under the bus all because someone else desires to not have to think of really unpleasant things. And if a person who claims to be a Christian consistently practices this “looking for the good,” then guess what? They aren’t a Christian at all.

Mat 5:6 “Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied.

Jas 1:27 Religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father, is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained from the world.

Isa 1:16-17 Wash yourselves; make yourselves clean; remove the evil of your deeds from before my eyes; cease to do evil, (17) learn to do good; seek justice, correct oppression; bring justice to the fatherless, plead the widow’s cause.

Tell me – how in the world is anyone going to truly obey these Scriptures if they choose to remain blind to evil? You sure won’t hunger and thirst for righteousness because you keep insisting that pretty much there already IS righteousness. You may call on an orphan and widow and be Mr. oh-so-nice to them, but there is no way you will visit them in their affliction because really, you don’t think their situation is all that bad – and you will tell them so!! Will you bring justice to the fatherless and plead the widow’s cause? Of course not! You will just tell them that they should just suck it up and look for the good in their situation.
Understand? Do you see more clearly now why I don’t like “Mr. Nice” at all? Because Mr. Nice is an incredibly, horribly, selfish person. He or she simply wants to enjoy an enjoyable life without the bumps and disturbances the acknowledgement of evil brings.
And THIS is largely why victims of domestic abuse and sexual abuse are being rejected by churches today. The thing is just too troubling. Surely such evil does not exist, especially among “the people of God”? And if it does, well, Mr. Nice just doesn’t want to know about it.

Isaiah 56:10 His watchmen are blind; they are all without knowledge; they are all silent dogs; they cannot bark, dreaming, lying down, loving to slumber.

 

Abusers Love the Darkness rather than the Light

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On February 5, 2019

In Abusers

We don’t usually publish on Tuesday, but this little nugget of truth couldn’t wait. Abusers are secretive and enjoy keeping their targets “guessing” about what they (the abuser) are going to do or think or say in given situations.
Don Hennessy nails it when he says (emphasis mine),

He (the abuser) cannot allow you to influence him because he is terrified that you will gain access to his inner world.  He is reluctant to enter that world himself because he knows how dark it is, but he prefers the darkness rather than allowing you to shine light on it. (Don Hennessy, Steps to Freedom: Escaping Intimate Control*)

And Scripture confirms this truth:

John 3:16-19 For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life. (17) For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through him. (18) Whoever believes in him is not condemned, but whoever does not believe is condemned already, because he has not believed in the name of the only Son of God. (19) And this is the judgment: the light has come into the world, and people loved the darkness rather than the light because their works were evil.

 

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