Unholy Charade - Jeff Crippen

Unmasking the Domestic Abuser in the Church

Author: Jeff Crippen Page 76 of 88

A Real Case of a Pastor Lording it Over an Abuse Victim

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On April 29, 2019

In Churches/Church Response

1Peter 5:2-3  shepherd the flock of God that is among you, exercising oversight, not under compulsion, but willingly, as God would have you; not for shameful gain, but eagerly;  (3)  not domineering over those in your charge, but being examples to the flock.

The following letter will raise your blood pressure. BP alert. An abuse survivor shared it with me after she received it from her (now ex) pastor. For decades she was subjected to ongoing abuse from a wicked husband, and her pastor admitted that her husband in fact abused her. That fact was not even in dispute in this case. But as you will see as you read, the pastor demanded that she submit to him (the pastor) and he ordered her to….well, you can read it for yourself. This letter was sent to her by the pastor when she separated from her abuser and was making plans to divorce him.

Hello _____,
The elders have reviewed your email and my response below. They’ve reviewed and approved both my email before and this one now. We’ve come to agree and do now insist that you not move forward with divorce until we have the time needed to sort out P’s profession of faith as true or false through church discipline. And if he is determined (as best we can according to Jesus’ words vs P’s actions), then we would aim to figure out if he is still consenting to live with you.
[Your biblical counselor] has also reviewed my email independently as a counselor (in the biblical sense) close to your situation and agrees with the content of my response. She empathizes greatly with the turmoil associated with how long this process is taking and is helping us keep your pain and longsuffering in the forefront of our hearts and minds. If anything this latest posture of his ought to (though deeply grieving) also inspire more confidence and faith in Jesus’ process of confrontation and church discipline. As I stated below I believe we will know soon whether P has been pretending to be a Christian or is truly repentant. Jesus designed his words to turn up the heat of accountability and to produce results. I believe we are seeing that now.
At this moment, we as elders agree with one another, standing on God’s word, that your decision to move toward divorce is unwarranted biblically and is disobedience to Jesus’ very words in Matthew 19:6 that says “what God has joined together, let not man separate.”
Your posture, though full of suffering and pain, ought to be driven not by the feelings induced by that pain, but by faith in God’s word and provision of strength for you and promise to complete you in and through this process. As the pastors who will give an account for your soul, we insist that you continue to follow the heroes of the faith as described in Hebrews 11 who all chose the more difficult road of suffering out of a resolved faith in God for the ultimate reward on the other side.  Even Moses, “considered the reproach of Christ greater wealth than the treasures of Egypt, for he was looking to the reward.” Hebrews 11:26.
Sister, do not believe the lie that says to choose to suffer is foolish or bad stewardship. That is a lie from hell that says we should avoid suffering even if it means going against God’s word, and that is what seems like you are beginning to embrace. To do so is to question Jesus’ own embrace of the cross and every Christians’ embrace of suffering in faith (before and since the cross).
Please email, call, or text me as soon as possible to confirm that you are will not be telling your children of your plan to divorce.  And please stand by as me and another elder meet with P as soon as he is willing, or move toward escalated confrontation in person if he is not.”
And if that wickedness were not enough, this pastor told her, when she informed him she was resigning as a member of his church, that he and his elders would be announcing to the congregation that she had not left the church “in good standing.”
You can be pretty certain that this thing will proceed as these cases typically do in such places. The victim will be shunned, accused of sinning by divorcing and for not submitting (ie obeying) to the elders. And the abuser, if he so chooses, will be welcomed to remain in the church.
I could go on and on with my observations and comments about this wickedness on the part of the pastor and his elders, but I will just make a couple of points here and then let all of you comment:
1. Victims do not need the permission of their pastor and church in order to divorce their abuser. The church should be addressing the abuser whose sin is among them in the church, but you will search high and low in Scripture for any teaching that pastors must grant permission to divorce.
2. This pastor is not being forthright and truthful with the victim. He speaks as if he is going to hold the abuser accountable via church discipline. But notice that after decades of wicked abuse by the abuser, this pastor still allows for the possibility that he is still a Christian! 
3. The pastor’s distortions about suffering for Christ and his accusations against the victim (that she is starting to believe lies from hell) are straight out of the pit itself. This man should be fired as a pastor for his malpractice and arrogance, and for placing an abuse victim’s life in danger.
Enough from me. Now it’s your turn. Tell us what you think.

 

There are Wolves Out There Parading as Christian Advocates of Abuse Victims – Beware!

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On April 26, 2019

In Counseling

Tit 1:10-11  For there are many who are insubordinate, empty talkers and deceivers, especially those of the circumcision party.  (11)  They must be silenced, since they are upsetting whole families by teaching for shameful gain what they ought not to teach.
1Ti 6:3-5  If anyone teaches a different doctrine and does not agree with the sound words of our Lord Jesus Christ and the teaching that accords with godliness,  (4)  he is puffed up with conceit and understands nothing. He has an unhealthy craving for controversy and for quarrels about words, which produce envy, dissension, slander, evil suspicions,  (5)  and constant friction among people who are depraved in mind and deprived of the truth, imagining that godliness is a means of gain.
1Ti 1:3-4  As I urged you when I was going to Macedonia, remain at Ephesus so that you may charge certain persons not to teach any different doctrine,  (4)  nor to devote themselves to myths and endless genealogies, which promote speculations rather than the stewardship from God that is by faith.

I am compelled to sound still another warning to everyone I can, especially to people who have been targets of abuse and who are looking for help. Just as there are scammers who prey upon the vulnerable of all kinds, there are false victim advocates/counselors who are out to prey on victims. Wicked people, as you know, often start online scams to get money supposedly to support the familes of murder victims and so on. Pure evil.

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This is Why Most Pastors and Churches Ally with the Abuser

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On April 25, 2019

In Churches/Church Response

1Co 5:1-2  It is actually reported that there is sexual immorality among you, and of a kind that is not tolerated even among pagans, for a man has his father’s wife.  (2)  And you are arrogant! Ought you not rather to mourn? Let him who has done this be removed from among you….1Co 5:6  Your boasting is not good. Do you not know that a little leaven leavens the whole lump?

Recently I was corresponding with an abuse victim whose church was commanding her to remain married to her abuser “because Jesus calls us to stay in suffering.” In the course of our conversation I told her that this church was going to welcome her abuser into the church and end up rejecting her. I am no prophet. Nor am I brilliant. It’s just that after seeing this very scenario unfold countless times it becomes a pretty safe bet to tell someone what to expect. Not too long later she wrote back and said “you called it. Yep. They invited him to be in church.”
Why is it then that churches and pastors and people who we thought were our friends end up allying with the wicked man (or wicked woman if the wife is the abuser)?

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Abusive Tactics: The Claim to Know Our Thoughts

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On April 24, 2019

In Abusers

1 Corinthians 2:11 For who knows a person’s thoughts except the spirit of that person, which is in him? So also no one comprehends the thoughts of God except the Spirit of God.

In the course of my experience with controlling, abusive individuals, I have learned the hard way that a favorite tactic of such people is that of telling us what we are thinking and what our motives were for doing something.  This has happened to me many times and I am sure it will resonate with our readers.  You do something or say something and in an attempt to control you and/or instill self doubt and false guilt in you, these kinds of people will then announce to you why you did it.  This is impossible of course.  And yet we often fall for it.  Oh, and the motive the abuser attributes to our action will never be a good motive.

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Playing the Victim – Always Remember this Tactic+

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On April 22, 2019

In Abusers

Isa 58:3 ‘Why have we fasted, and you see it not? Why have we humbled ourselves, and you take no knowledge of it?’ Behold, in the day of your fast you seek your own pleasure, and oppress all your workers.

I have written numbers of times before on this subject but we really cannot be reminded of this favorite tactic of the abuser too often – playing the victim. The wicked among the Israelites even tried to pull this scheme with God. Didn’t work of course, but it does work quite often with people.
Those who live to have power and control over others – the people we call abusers – act cruelly toward their targeted victims and then if they are ever confronted, they turn on the tears. They become the poor, oppressed people we are to be sorry for. They are the ones who surely deserve our empathy – or so they make it appear. In truth it is the abuser who abusesed! But then, when they are called out on their evil, in one way or another they work to make it appear that they are ones who have been wronged. Pity them. That is what they want from us.

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Putting Easter into Practice

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On April 19, 2019

In Biblical Teaching

Today is Good Friday.  Nothing “good” about it in a sense.  It was anything but good for the disciples, and for our Lord.  A dark day of death and apparent victory by the enemy, when all seemed lost.  But it was very, very good as it turns out.  Our Passover Lamb was sacrificed and this time, He was the end of all Passover lambs.  This Lamb was effective – His blood has made us as white as snow.  From our perspective, as we look at that original Good Friday through the lens of Scripture, we see that God was orchestrating the whole thing all along.  Every thorn in the crown, the very seamlessness of Jesus’ tunic, the nearby tomb of the rich man – the whole thing was a drama ordained in eternity past.  The will of the Father was done.
What did the enemy and his minions think that first Easter morning?  Stone rolled away, tomb is empty – with Jesus’ grave clothes laying there in perfect outline as if somehow the body they once enveloped had been suctioned right out from inside them.  I think that is what Peter saw when we are told that he went inside, saw, and believed.  The cross, as it turns out, was a master strategy from the Master.  The greatest surprise attack of all time.  Death was led captive and the enemy POW’s were marched on display.  He is risen.

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The Nature of Abuse Demonstrated in the Crucifixion of Christ

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On April 17, 2019

In Abusers

Last week as I was reading through the Gospel account of Christ’s betrayal, arrest, and crucifixion, I was struck with how often this narrative exposes the mentality, nature, and tactics of abuse.  This really should not surprise us because abuse is just plain sin.  I think that it is in fact perhaps the most “diabolically beautiful” portraits of sin to be found.
Its essence is the lust for power and control over — everything!  It is the acting out of Satan’s declaration, “I will be like the Most High.”  In other words, the abuser, like the devil, lusts to be God.  Understand that and your eyes will be opened to everything else he does.

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The Abuse Victim as Widow

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On April 15, 2019

In Supporting Victims

Exodus 22:22 You shall not mistreat any widow or fatherless child.
Deuteronomy 10:17-18 For the LORD your God is God of gods and Lord of lords, the great, the mighty, and the awesome God, who is not partial and takes no bribe. (18) He executes justice for the fatherless and the widow, and loves the sojourner, giving him food and clothing.
Psalms 94:6 They kill the widow and the sojourner, and murder the fatherless;
James 1:27 Religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father, is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained from the world.

These few verses are just a small sampling of many others found in Scripture that repeat the very same theme – God commands us to render justice for and give care to the helpless and weak.  Orphans and widows are prime examples.  I would like to suggest to you that the victim of abuse classifies as a widow, and therefore the Lord expects us to provide her with justice and protection.  Why do we call her a widow? Because her husband really is no husband.  He is an oppressor and tormentor. Often, she is a “widow indeed” because her abuser has successfully alienated the rest of her family from her.

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A Lesson in Evil – and Not Being Deceived by it

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On April 13, 2019

In Churches/Church Response

1Co 2:1-5 And I, when I came to you, brothers, did not come proclaiming to you the testimony of God with lofty speech or wisdom. (2) For I decided to know nothing among you except Jesus Christ and him crucified. (3) And I was with you in weakness and in fear and much trembling, (4) and my speech and my message were not in plausible words of wisdom, but in demonstration of the Spirit and of power, (5) so that your faith might not rest in the wisdom of men but in the power of God.

It has become almost commonplace to read of still another well-known “happening” pastor being exposed in some wicked, hidden sin that has been going on for quite sometime, all the while he continued to preach to and teach others. We are all sick of it. And we are also sick of how these guys and their band of brothers treat victims of domestic and sexual abuse. One of the chief reasons for this oppression of victims in local churches is nothing less than the fact that the head guys are wolves.
But would you like to know what I am even more sick of? I will tell you – I am sick of these guys’ statements of “confession and repentance.” 
I am going to give you a fairly recent example of just such a case and then I am going to point out to you why most all of these claims of “repentance” need to be rejected by us. Ready? Here we go.

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Abuse and Anger: Is it a Sin to Be Angry Toward Our Abuser?

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On April 12, 2019

In Supporting Victims

Ephesians 4:26-27 Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, (27) and give no opportunity to the devil.

We had a discussion once in a Bible study group about whether it is right or not for a Christian to ever be angry when they are sinned against.  That is to say, some people wondered if anger is ever appropriate when we ourselves are the victim.  Being angry when another person was victimized didn’t seem to be troublesome to anyone, but the idea of being angry when we personally are victimized seemed to be sinful in the thinking of some.  Someone said, “well, Jesus was angry when He drove the money changers out of the temple, so anger must not always be sinful.”  Someone else responded, “but we are not Jesus.”
Now, this much I do know.  If we tell abuse victims that it is sinful for them to be angry about what was done or is being done to them, we are going to do them much harm.  In fact many abusers will use this very tactic against their victim: “You call yourself a Christian!  You are just an angry, bitter person!  You are unforgiving.” You know the line I am sure.
So what about it?  It is pretty easy to find Scriptures that show that it is right to be angry when we see evil and injustice.  But what about when we are the victim of that evil and injustice ourselves?

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