Unholy Charade - Jeff Crippen

Unmasking the Domestic Abuser in the Church

Author: Jeff Crippen Page 31 of 88

A Spoonful of Sugar Makes…for Confusion

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On October 17, 2022

In Abusers, Evil

Gal 4:17 They make much of you, but for no good purpose. They want to shut you out, that you may make much of them.

When you are or have been in a relationship with a narcissist/sociopath/abuser, it is quite common to have doubts. By doubts, I mean that you call into question yourself, your observations, your conclusions regarding what is really going on – is he (or she) really so bad as I have concluded? Maybe I share the blame? Doubts, you see.

Now, these doubts are quite often the result of some “sugar” your narcissist serves up to you, or has served up in the past. A kind note. A kind action. A fun outing. Sprinkled in with the sugar in varying quantities added often almost imperceptibly, is the sour lemon of reviling, abusing, accusing, and so on. It’s all that dynamic you often hear called crazy-making.

These doubts can throw us into a real spiral of false guilt. We can start questioning our own motives and actions in the relationship. If, after all, the devil were always openly what he is – evil – and never showed up as an angel of light, the thing would be far easier to analyze. But that is not how the devil operates and it is not how his wicked servants operate. They sprinkle in sugar and spice and everything nice – but it isn’t really sweet or savory or nice at all. The whole thing is an evil facade. A tactical game to gain power and control over you.

And that is what Paul was warning the Galatians about – those foolish, foolish Galatians. The false teachers, anathema to God, were using flattery for an evil purpose, persuading the people to follow them and their false gospel rather than Christ.

None of us are perfectly holy. None of us are above sinning. We have not and do not always act righteously toward others. But the truth is that even if we did, even if we were perfectly holy and always behaved in thought and deed toward evil people, they would still hate us because that is who they are. In fact, as we walk in the light of Christ more and more perfectly, growing in Him, the hatred of the devil’s servants will actually increase. Just look at Jesus and what He experienced in this world and you will see it.

There isn’t any sugar in these types of evil people. The “pleasant” times might seem sweet, but they are a deception. In truth, there are no good times with a wicked person.

If We Confess Our Sins…

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On October 12, 2022

In Abusers, Biblical Teaching

1Jn 1:8-10 If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. (9) If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. (10) If we say we have not sinned, we make him a liar, and his word is not in us.

It is always good to first apply Scripture to ourselves – get the log out before looking at someone else’s “speck.” We all MUST be born again. Christ is our only hope and, as I have emphasized in the past, being a victim of evil does not ensure that we ourselves are born again. This is that old danger of getting bogged down in victimhood and somehow thinking that because we have been targets of evil, God is somehow obligated to accept us and show us special favor.

These truths are not meant to discourage people who are oppressed by the wicked, but to show that – to say it again – Christ is our only hope and if we do not belong to Him, our condition is hopeless no matter how much we learn about the tactics of abuse or how diligently we work to expose it and get free of it. Above all things, it is my earnest desire to point people to Christ and not to fall into the pit of teaching about abusers, abuser’s mentality and tactics, only to stop there and, as it were, help people kick the demon out, only to have an empty heart into which the demon returns in seven-fold power.

Therefore, first we must examine ourselves and confess our own sin, and be certain that we are not sliding into a mode of thought in which we regard ourselves as having no sin – because after all, we might think – WE are the victims here. Yes, you have been or perhaps still are the target of evil. But do YOU know Christ? Because – and mark this down carefully – Christ is your only real Rescuer. Not the courts. Not ministries that seek to expose the wicked. Not even getting physically free of your abuser. It is only to Christ that we can pray. He is the only One who can safeguard our soul. He is the only One who can one day deliver perfect justice and full vindication. He is the only One who is absolutely trustworthy and who loves with perfect love all who turn to Him.

When WE know Christ, then we are in a position to know (grow wise in regard to) evil. And one of the consistent traits of the wicked is that they refuse to confess their sin. You have experienced this over and over I am sure. It is never their fault. They have not been the wrongdoer. They blame. They accuse. It is always you, you, you. John says that a person like this is a liar and that their entire life is a lie.

This is the fundamental sign of a narcissist, or a sociopath. You’ve seen it. The thing is soooo consistent that it actually sneaks up on you. It’s always your fault, and you grow accustomed to wearing the blame. The wicked one says he has no sin, but he lies. There is no truth in him. In fact, basically just like his father the devil, if his lips are moving he is lying. And worse, such a person makes God a liar. Because God says we DO have sin – the wicked say God is wrong. Their condemnation is just.

Forgetting and Pressing On

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On October 10, 2022

In Counseling

Php 3:13-14 Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, (14) I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.

It is hard to forget, isn’t it? And there is definitely a certain aspect of forgetting that really cannot happen. Just before Paul wrote these words to the Philippians, he told them about how he had persecuted the church and how following Christ had cost him everything. This forgetting that he is talking about is not, then, a matter of our minds being erased. We remember the wicked who, out of their hatred for Christ, hate all who belong to Him and persecute them.

Paul had once enjoyed “career advancement” in this world. He had developed quite a reputation among his fellow Pharisees, exceeding them in the righteousness that is of the Law. But all that was gone now. We can assume with some confidence that all of his past company, his parents and any siblings he may have had, declared him dead to them. No doubt this was very painful to Paul and he would have felt grief at times, sorrowing that he had experienced what Jesus told us would happen to those who follow Him:

Mat 10:35-36 For I have come to set a man against his father, and a daughter against her mother, and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law. (36) And a person’s enemies will be those of his own household.

What, then, is this “forgetting what lies behind” that Paul is talking about here in Philippians? This “straining forward” and “pressing on”?

It is a conscious act on our part to focus our thinking upon Christ and upon His certain promises to all who belong to Him. It is resolving to change our mind’s “aim” from what is behind us to what lies ahead. And the key to doing this is to fill our minds with God’s Word, with His certain and infallible promises, to the New Creation to come which He has shown us in Scripture. You cannot press on toward the prize if you don’t know much about that prize. We cannot focus upon where we are going if we are foggy about that destination.

Your mind is like mine. Thoughts come at us. Thoughts and memories of the past. Some are painful and others are pleasant, but even the pleasant ones are past. Done. Finished as time has moved along. I can think about good times fishing with my dad – maybe even pull out some photos or videos. But even here there is a certain sorrow. My dad is gone. Those times are gone because time is fleeting. When we focus our minds on the past we are eventually overwhelmed with what we cannot recover.

But the future. Now here is a different story altogether. The future in Christ is not gone – it is yet to come and it will never end! I suppose we can even say that there is no time there to pass away. What is here and now is temporal. But what is to come is eternal. And so Paul says, press on! Set your mind on things above, on things ahead. Make traveling to glory the focus of your thoughts. Forget what lies behind and strain forward, because like Christian in Bunyan’s Pilgrim’s Progress, you are on a journey. It began when you came to faith in Christ, and it will end – that is, you will arrive – when you see Christ face to face. At that time, everything that has been lost to you in this fallen world will fade away into insignificance.

When we allow our minds to drift into thoughts about past hurts, wrongs done to us, or even ongoing suffering in present time…when we permit these things to become our focus, nothing good is going to result. Oh yes, we can learn some lessons and be wiser by examining the nature of evils done to us, but staying that past pain will lead to nothing good. And so the Christian is told – press on. Look up. Look ahead, not back.

Heb 12:1-2 Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, (2) looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.

Narcissistic Radiation

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On October 4, 2022

In Evil, Family/Children, Getting Free

Rev 18:4 Then I heard another voice from heaven saying, “Come out of her, my people, lest you take part in her sins, lest you share in her plagues;

Evil has many effects upon those in its presence – and none of them are good. I want to talk about one of those contagions here.

I have seen many cases in which people choose to remain in the company of evil. I emphasize choose because I want to be very clear that many people who are married to a wicked person really do want to leave, but circumstances prevent it for the present time. But I am speaking here of those who make a conscious choice to remain bonded to evil.

Evil radiates itself. Like a deadly disease, it infects those around it. And my observation in this respect is that eventually those who choose to stay in the company of evil start to become like it themselves. If, for example, a husband/father is a narcissist, the wife and children in that family are radiated by narcissism. I suspect you have seen it yourself. Others in the household begin to show traits of gross selfishness. Like father/mother, like son/daughter.

We know that Christ, in His mercy. protects His people from evil so that children from a wicked home can grow up in the Lord and become godly people. Many of you have experienced this grace firsthand. Nevertheless, apart from the Lord’s saving mercy, this is the result:

Num 16:31-33 And as soon as he had finished speaking all these words, the ground under them split apart. (32) And the earth opened its mouth and swallowed them up, with their households and all the people who belonged to Korah and all their goods. (33) So they and all that belonged to them went down alive into Sheol, and the earth closed over them, and they perished from the midst of the assembly.

Whenever possible, flee from this deadly radiation of evil.

“I Have Always been a Christian”

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On September 28, 2022

In Biblical Teaching, Counseling, Victims

Dan 9:18 O my God, incline your ear and hear. Open your eyes and see our desolations, and the city that is called by your name. For we do not present our pleas before you because of our righteousness, but because of your great mercy.

I you were to be asked this question – “when ( how) did you come to know the Lord?” – what would your answer be? I don’t mean that you need to know the day and hour that the Lord regenerated your heart (some Christians do know). But how would you answer in respect to the journey the Lord took you on as He led you to Himself and to faith in Christ?

Some professing Christians (perhaps some of you) would quickly give the answer – “Oh, I grew up in a Christian family and I have always been in the church.” This kind of answer is quite common, and if the Lord had one of those loud buzzers that indicates a wrong answer on a game show, He surely would be sounding it when someone gives this kind of response.

We have said before that our only hope of persevering in that Narrow Way which leads to life, is to be born again. You must be born again. The faith the Lord gives us is our means of victory. Many of you are in very hard circumstances. Abusers, family courts, child custody, lies, betrayals – you know how it goes. Where is victory over these things? Christ. Our faith and trust in Christ. But this faith, this new birth does not come to anyone simply because they grew up in church.

I know abuse survivors who thought they were Christians for decades. They attended and served faithfully in church. But they were not born again. They were still dead in their sins. I say this again – no one has ever or will ever be saved by growing up in church, by being raised in a Christian family, or by following a formal, outward behavior code of do’s and don’ts. The Lord must save you. He must make you a brand new creation. Who you used to be must die with Christ. “Lord, have mercy upon me, a sinner.”

This evening I heard a wonderful sermon by R.C. Sproul preached I believe about two years before the Lord took him home. It is called “The Curse Motif of the Atonement.” [See the link below] He was preaching to a large audience of pastors and toward the end of his message on the cross, He shocked his listeners by telling them that most probably many of them were not born again. Few are saved. The way is narrow, and few are they who find it. Jesus said that, not me.

Listen now – if anyone is going to survive in this fallen, wicked world, if we are going to endure the kind of suffering most of you have endured, then it will only be because Christ is our Shepherd. He is with His people even when they walk through the valley of the shadow of death. But if anyone is trusting in their own righteousness and is certain that their “Christian” upbringing and church world has made the acceptable to God, I can tell you – Christ is not your Shepherd and you are walking through that dark valley all by yourself.

Luk 18:13 But the tax collector, standing far off, would not even lift up his eyes to heaven, but beat his breast, saying, ‘God, be merciful to me, a sinner!’

Some Thoughts on the Pharisee and the Tax-Collector

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On September 26, 2022

In Abusers, Evil

Luk 18:9-14 He also told this parable to some who trusted in themselves that they were righteous, and treated others with contempt: (10) “Two men went up into the temple to pray, one a Pharisee and the other a tax collector. (11) The Pharisee, standing by himself, prayed thus: ‘God, I thank you that I am not like other men, extortioners, unjust, adulterers, or even like this tax collector. (12) I fast twice a week; I give tithes of all that I get.’ (13) But the tax collector, standing far off, would not even lift up his eyes to heaven, but beat his breast, saying, ‘God, be merciful to me, a sinner!’ (14) I tell you, this man went down to his house justified, rather than the other. For everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, but the one who humbles himself will be exalted.”

“Who trusted in themselves that they were righteous, and treated others with contempt.” There it is. I wonder what kind of husband this Pharisee was? Actually, we really don’t need to wonder, do we? He treated his wife with contempt all the while playing the hypocrite narcissist that he was.

See how the Pharisee in the temple stands

And justifies himself with lifted hands

While the poor publican with downcast eyes

Conscious of guilt to God for mercy cries.

(John Bunyan)

Jesus’ parable indicates to us that this kind is not rare in religious circles. He told this parable just because there were many of these hypocrites mixing it up in the visible church. The Lord points us to a man who was a Pharisee, who was in the temple, who prayed, fasted, and tithed. In other words, an eminent church member/leader who, no doubt, enjoyed a reputation for being the finest, most holy, most faithful saint a church could ask for. But in reality…

He held others with contempt. He stood far off from others while lifting up his hands to put on a display of his “godliness.” He just knew that he was God’s favorite – so pious and holy was he. His religion was designed to exalt and glorify himself. He had no mercy. No love. No empathy toward others. When a truly repentant sinner comes to the church seeking the Lord’s mercy and forgiveness, these kind of men look upon them with contempt and avoid them hoping they will just go away lest they contaminate. And yet, his true, wicked, self-consumed nature goes unnoticed by most. His facade was accepted. I once had a church member tell me, with a burdened look of anxiety and confusion on her face, that one such counterfeit in our church “was the godliest man she ever knew.”

Thus diverse were they in their appearance; the Pharisee, very good; the Publican, very bad. But as to the Law of God, which looked upon them with reference to the state of their spirits, and the nature of their actions, by that they were both found sinners; the Publican an open outside one, and the Pharisee a filthy inside one.

John Bunyan

Professing “christians” just like this Pharisee are not a rare item. Many are in positions of leadership in churches. And on that Day when Christ returns, the wrath they have been building up on their heads is going to pour down from heaven upon them.

Why Does the Lord Allow His People to Suffer?

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On September 22, 2022

In Counseling

2Co 1:3-7 Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, (4) who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. (5) For as we share abundantly in Christ’s sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too. (6) If we are afflicted, it is for your comfort and salvation; and if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which you experience when you patiently endure the same sufferings that we suffer. (7) Our hope for you is unshaken, for we know that as you share in our sufferings, you will also share in our comfort.

The primary purpose of this blog is to expose evil and to encourage Christ’s true people in the midst of their sufferings. We focus primarily upon the evil of domestic abuse (particularly as it hides in the church), but there is always application for us in regard to suffering at the hands of other kinds of evildoers.

Why does the Lord, who is our Good Shepherd, permit suffering to come upon us? Why does He allow a wicked, conscienceless sociopath of a spouse to persecute his target with economic, social, psychological, physical, alienating and isolating tactics of abuse? There are no doubt more than one reason, and some of those reasons are given to us in the Bible.

You have this, for example:

2Th 1:5-8 This is evidence of the righteous judgment of God, that you may be considered worthy of the kingdom of God, for which you are also suffering— (6) since indeed God considers it just to repay with affliction those who afflict you, (7) and to grant relief to you who are afflicted as well as to us, when the Lord Jesus is revealed from heaven with his mighty angels (8) in flaming fire, inflicting vengeance on those who do not know God and on those who do not obey the gospel of our Lord Jesus.

See it? The Lord permits us to be in the fires to refine us, to purify and sanctify us, weeding out the chaff. He also allows this persecution from those who do not obey Him in order to, as we might say, fill up the cup of wrath which will be poured out upon them when Christ comes to judge the world. For the glory of His glorious justice.

In our current study of Revelation, we are at chapter 11 where the church is pictured as a temple, and as two witnesses. The church proclaims the gospel to the world and is persecuted and hated for it. The fundamental reason believers experience the suffering of persecution is because we are in a fallen, wicked world that hates Christ and all who follow Him. We have a mission, and that mission is warfare. We exist in this life in a battle zone where the enemy’s missiles are incoming.

But in the first Scripture quoted above, from 2 Corinthians, we see still another reason that the righteous are permitted to suffer. In our sufferings, we experience the comfort of Christ. (Remember, you must be born again. Just because you are or have been married to an abuser does not mean necessarily that you know Christ. We must examine ourselves to see if we really are in the faith). But Christ’s true people, in suffering, experience as Paul says, the comfort of the Lord. It is mystical and connected with the presence of the Holy Spirit in us who often takes the Word of God and opens our eyes to its truth, bringing inner comfort and peace to us as we rest in the certainty of His promises.

And there is more. As WE are comforted by the Lord, so then we are able to take that same comfort and share it with others who are suffering. You know this to be true. You know that it is primarily those who have experienced the same sufferings you are experiencing who can really understand and help. Others may aid us to a degree, but not to the extent that a fellow suffering brother or sister in Christ can.

And that is still another reason for this blog. To connect Christ’s people with one another so that we can share the comfort the Lord comforts us with, with others. The suffering is training in the school of comforting.

2Th 1:3-4 We ought always to give thanks to God for you, brothers, as is right, because your faith is growing abundantly, and the love of every one of you for one another is increasing. (4) Therefore we ourselves boast about you in the churches of God for your steadfastness and faith in all your persecutions and in the afflictions that you are enduring.

Aloneness – the Common Experience of Christ’s People

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On September 21, 2022

In Counseling

2Ti 4:16-18 At my first defense no one came to stand by me, but all deserted me. May it not be charged against them! (17) But the Lord stood by me and strengthened me, so that through me the message might be fully proclaimed and all the Gentiles might hear it. So I was rescued from the lion’s mouth. (18) The Lord will rescue me from every evil deed and bring me safely into his heavenly kingdom. To him be the glory forever and ever. Amen.

A good friend recently reminded me of these verses and I referred to them last Sunday in my sermon on the cost of following Christ. When you belong to Christ, you will at one time or another experience loneliness. Being alone. Being deserted. Targets of evil are not popular with the world, you know.

Standing for Christ often means exposing evil. Jesus said that we are the light of the world and the fact is, darkness hates the light because its deeds are evil. Jesus said so. So when you shine for Christ, most people, including many/most professing Christians, are going to distance themselves from you. They don’t want to pay the price of shining.

The result? Aloneness. If you think carefully through the Bible, thinking of the Lord’s true people – Moses, Elijah, David, Isaiah, Jeremiah, Paul, and of course the Lord Jesus Himself, what do you find? Largely, they stood alone, hated by the world.

And this is why Christ’s true church is so important. Nowadays we have quite a hard time finding it, but I suppose that has always been the case. Trying to seek out the true people of God is a hard business and often we are met with disappointments when we thought we finally connected and it turns out what we thought was gold was in fact lead with gold paint. Nevertheless, we pray that the Lord would enable us to connect with His real people.

Notice thought hat Paul gives us great encouragement with the encouragement he experienced in his aloneness: “But the Lord stood by me.” Ultimatley, there is our comfort. The truth is, if we know Christ, if we are really born again, we are never really alone.

The Emotional Vacuum of the Wicked

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On September 19, 2022

In Abusers, Evil

Mat 23:27-28 “Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you are like whitewashed tombs, which outwardly appear beautiful, but within are full of dead people’s bones and all uncleanness. (28) So you also outwardly appear righteous to others, but within you are full of hypocrisy and lawlessness.

Dead bones. That is what is inside of the wicked who are of the genre of the Pharisees. In this blog we focus on a particular (and far too common) class of wickedness – the narcissist, the sociopath, the psychopath. And I want to suggest some points for your consideration in regard to the vacuum of positive emotion in these types. Virtually all domestic abusers (especially the kind who claim to be Christians) are characterized by this vacuum.

Human beings, even those who are still dead in their sins and without Christ, are still possessed of positive emotions. By positive, I mean, for example, some ability to love, to experience real grief, to show and feel empathy toward others. They have some sense of the moral law of God and can feel a degree of righteous anger toward that which is wrong. If you are sorrowing, for example, over the loss of a loved one, your unsaved neighbor might well feel some sorrow for you and bring you flowers or a card or prepare a meal for you. And these things are done by them in some sense, from the heart. That is to say, they are not faking it. They are sincere.

But narcissists/sociopaths/abusers have a vacuum within them in respect to positive emotions. If they bring a meal over to you, it is not out of a heartfelt genuine sharing in your grief. It is outward, and can only be outward for them because inside they are dead emotionally. It is pretend. Fake. Counterfeit. It is an imitation they have picked up by watching “normal” people. And it is all meant to deceive.

Now, such people do possess negative emotions. They are capable of intense hatred and anger, of shame which underlies that anger. They can shed buckets of “crocodile tears” which are either just plain fake or nothing more than an expression of rage.

Spiritually then, we see that this class of evil persons cannot be real Christians. When we are born again, we love Christ from the heart. We love one another from the heart. We hate evil. We weep with those who weep and we do so genuinely. We sorrow over the state of the world and have a genuine zeal to see the lost come to Christ. Like the Good Samaritan, we really do want to help those who are suffering. But none of these emotions are present in the abuser. Anything that looks like positive emotion is just an act. A real act, the script of which is picked up by studying normal people and then aping their behavior (apologies to primates).

So don’t be duped. Be wise about wickedness.

Cold-Blooded Anger

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On September 14, 2022

In Abusers, Evil

Rom 3:13 “Their throat is an open grave; they use their tongues to deceive.” “The venom of asps is under their lips.”

You have heard the phrase many times – cold-blooded murder. He killed him in cold blood. It’s an interesting figure of speech. It means the opposite of hot-blooded, overt, outward rage that bursts out in a moment. Cold-blooded evil is far more…well, evil.

Psychopaths and sociopaths and their kindred can often be capable of raging – in cold blood. They can sound so logical, so under control. And yet they are expressing incredible anger, seeking vengeance, and at the same time convincing the gullible that they are not angry at all. The thing is extremely deceptive. Their throat really is an open grave and venom really is under their lips as they use their tongues to deceive.

There is something devilish about the ability to rage “calmly.” To pour out anger on the target without seeming to even raise their voice. And this is why we must be wise or we will surely be taken in by this kind. To use words that are like a knife in their effect and yet do so with apparent calm is just like using a literal knife to stab someone and do it with coolness. This is pure evil from the pit.

Those of you who have been targeted by the domestic abuser have in many cases experienced this very thing. It made you feel like you were the guilty one and that you deserved the words being fired out you. After all, they were coming from such a calm mouth. Right?

There is nothing more wicked than rage which is camouflaged in coolness. Those who are characterized by its use will one day find themselves bettered by the Judge of all the earth. On that Day, their mouths will be closed.

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