Unholy Charade - Jeff Crippen

Unmasking the Domestic Abuser in the Church

Author: Jeff Crippen Page 2 of 81

Evil Creates Confusion

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On July 25, 2024

In Evil

1John 2:26 I write these things to you about those who are trying to deceive you.

Truth is clarity. It is light, and it enables us to see clearly. But evil trades in the fog, in the darkness. Evil creates confusion. It wears a disguise to hide what it really is. And so things go when we are dealing with a RASN (reviler, abuser, sociopath, narcissist).

We all start out in life pretty naive. We assume people close to us love us and want the best for us. Even children of wicked parents begin by believing that mom and dad love them. The thought that in fact they do not doesn’t really cross their mind in the early stages. And sometimes those “early” stages continue for many, many years.

If you have had the unhappy experience of dealing with a RASN, let’s say – an abusive spouse for instance – then if you have come to more clarity about abusers, you can look back and spot “red flags.” Then, if you are like me, you beat yourself up for being so stupid as to not have seen those warnings. But we shouldn’t do this to ourselves. The culprit is the evil, not our stupidity.

Evil casts a fog like one of those Hollywood movie set fog maker machines. Because evil people trade in deceit and lies and disguises – wolves in wool – they create a fog of confusion. We have in our minds the positive notion of who they are so that even when they launch a missile against us, we don’t realize we are being fired upon. They didn’t mean it. They are my friend. We tell ourselves these things, make excuses for the RASN, and even defend them to others who witnessed the missile launch. “Oh, no, he/she loves me. They are really a good person. They just used bad judgment/were having a bad day/I pushed their button….”. And so it goes.

But later, often much, much later, after we awaken from our slumber of naivete, we look back and realize that in fact all of those “bad days” were really attacks on us. That the RASN meant those things for evil toward us. Really. They really did. And then the far-reaching implications start rolling out in our minds – this person is not the person I believed him to be. He/she doesn’t love me and never did. The RASN is motivated in everything they say and do by the demand for others to worship them. To serve them. To exalt their self-created idolatress image. The image is everything. Touch that image and you will be punished.

These realities are not pleasant to face. I suppose this is one reason why we go so long living in a blind denial. I mean, who wants to admit that this person who has been your “friend” or spouse or family member – only hates and uses you? And yet, as our Lord said, it is the truth that sets us free. It clears away the fog and enables us to see rightly.

The Power of Words – for Good or Evil

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On July 19, 2024

In Abusers, Evil

“Their throat is an open grave; they use their tongues to deceive.” “The venom of asps is under their lips.”
(Romans 3:13)

Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.
(Ephesians 4:29)

Speech is an amazing thing. It is unique to man. But in his fallen, sinful condition, this ability becomes a two-edged sword, just as James tells us:

And the tongue is a fire, a world of unrighteousness. The tongue is set among our members, staining the whole body, setting on fire the entire course of life, and set on fire by hell. For every kind of beast and bird, of reptile and sea creature, can be tamed and has been tamed by mankind, but no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. With it we bless our Lord and Father, and with it we curse people who are made in the likeness of God. From the same mouth come blessing and cursing. My brothers, these things ought not to be so.
(James 3:6-10)

Words have power – for good or for evil. The RASN (reviler, abuser, sociopath, narcissist) uses his or her tongue for evil. Their tongue is actually their weapon of choice, very often even more so than their fist. Paul likens the tongue of the wicked to the venom of a snake with power to poison and even kill. Who was the fool who originally pawned this off on us? – sticks and stones can break my bones but words can never hurt me. That has to go down as one of the top idiotic statements ever made. “Well, has he ever actually hit you? No? Ok, then don’t make a big deal out of it.” Typical response to an abuse victim by the brain dead.

Being subjected to verbal assault has actual physical and mental effects. These missiles from the enemy really do damage. They are sneaky, cunning, launched with “plausible deniability” so that if the abuser is called out by anyone he/she can just say, “I didn’t mean it. No big deal.” “Oh, toughen up! It’s not like I stabbed you or anything.” But the abuser did mean it, and did stab.

How is it that the Bible, which professing Christians claim to believe, has soooo much to say about the power of words, insist that an abuse victim must stay in a marriage with an evil word-missile-launching spouse? Beat her up. Put her in the hospital. Give her a black eye. Hold a gun to her head. Ok. But “just words” don’t qualify because they really aren’t any big deal.

But the Bible, God’s Word, says that evil words have power to kill. They are poison. Administered repeatedly they traumatize, produce physical ailments, even drive to suicide. Anyone who minimizes the power of words needs to be confronted with the truth that they are rejecting the Word of God.

The power of words is also positively seen. It’s called encouragement, wisdom, life-giving. The ultimate Word is the Word of God which even has the power to create. Jesus is the Word of God who came to show us the Father and give us life in His Name. We are born again by faith in the Word – the gospel. This gospel, Paul tells us, is the power of God to salvation.

So we have an amazing ability to effect healing and good in others by using our tongue (speech) as a power for good to them. To encourage them. To comfort them. To give them hope. We who know Christ are to be kind to one another and how is that kindness most typically given? In our words.

Our tongue is a mighty instrument. For good or for evil. The RASN wields it as a weapon of evil and that is one reason Paul tells us that we have been given the shield of faith as a kind of missile defense system to counter the lies and assaults sent our way by the enemy and his servants.

RASNs Make Promises, Then Attack When we Act on Them

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On July 15, 2024

In Abusers

Pro 14:5 A faithful witness will not lie, But a false witness speaks lies.

Many years ago, in the first church I pastored, there was a woman who regarded herself as a pillar of the church. She was the pianist. She was the church bookkeeper. She hosted and taught a women’s “Bible” study in her home. When we first arrived, she greeted me right away with a big smile and informed me about her many positions and functions in the church.

Just a few weeks later I called her to ask her how many people were in attendance at her mid-week Bible study. I did this only because the denomination that had sent us to that church required me to file a monthly statistical report. I was immediately met with her hostility. “My Bible study is MY ministry and has nothing to do with the church. I don’t need to provide you with any of that information!” So, even though she had set herself up as a teacher and was teaching numbers of the women in our church, she refused any oversight at all. And as it turned out later, she was teaching false doctrines to these ladies. This would all end some years later with her storming out after a church service and announcing she was finished with us.

Another time when I happened to mention that I had forgotten my wallet when we drove the 70 miles in the winter to the nearest town to get groceries, she told me with a cheerful tone, “Oh, if that ever happens again just use the church check I gave you to keep in case the church needs anything and then you can reimburse the church when you get home.” Well, forgetful me, about two years later I did the same thing again but this time I took her up on her offer. But when I got back and took a reimbursement check to her, she threw an angry fit. “Do you know how much work this is going to create for me?!” [Yes, I did know. It would have taken her about 5 minutes to do the recording of the transaction].

I suppose these false promises of the RASN (and that is what she was) are a kind of crazy-making. Lying and denying. But in fact she had lied to me. She was an unkind, unloving, and obviously unregenerate “Christian.”

RASNs are liars. They make offers, make promises, and then when you believe them, they attack. And they deny. Such people have no place in Christ’s church. Eventually this lady went out from us, moved to another town far away, and yes, started up another ladies’ Bible study in her home. I didn’t contact the pastor of her new church. I have found over the years that such heads-up warnings to most pastors are a waste of time. They don’t listen to me.

Be sure to check out this new post at my Light for Dark Times Blog

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On July 14, 2024

In Blog News

Some of you may not have subscribed to my second blog over at lightfordarktimes.com I encourage you to do so. I post articles there generally on Fridays. This is the latest one and it is an important subject:

When a RASN starts using “We” or “Us” They Are Claiming False Allies

A Review of What a Reviler is

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On July 11, 2024

In Abusers

But now I am writing to you not to associate with anyone who bears the name of brother if he is guilty of sexual immorality or greed, or is an idolater, reviler, drunkard, or swindler—not even to eat with such a one. (1Co 5:11)

The “R” in our acronym RASN stands for “reviler.” It is important that we know who a reviler is and what reviling consists of. Domestic abusers are inevitably revilers. In fact, all RASNs reviler. Abusers, sociopaths, and narcissists use this evil tactic.

“Their throat is an open grave; they use their tongues to deceive.” “The venom of asps is under their lips.” “Their mouth is full of curses and bitterness.” (Rom 3:13-14)

To revile is to curse someone. It is to assault with words. It contains the stem shared in other words such as villain and vilify. The reviler accuses, blames, and generally speaks words which are designed to paint the target as the villain, when in fact the reviler is the villain.

Revilers may do their evil-speak openly, but often they are more cunning. They imply. They use innuendo. They want to maintain “plausible deniability” in case someone calls them on it. They are so crafty that quite often the one who is being reviled doesn’t fully realize what is happening. You know what that is like – that feeling in your gut that you just got hit with a verbal missile but you can’t quite nail it down.

Revilers are some of the devil’s favorites for his attacks on Christ’s people:

“Blessed are you when others revile you and persecute you and utter all kinds of evil against you falsely on my account.
(Mat 5:11)

There it is. Uttering evil against someone falsely. A genuine Christian will experience this kind of attack. It is a certainty. They hate Christ. His enemies reviled Him, and they continue to revile His people. But the Lord counts it as a blessing to us because it identifies us as being His true people.

I mentioned that revilers are cunning. Especially the ones who disguise themselves as “saints” in the church. Most local churches have revilers in the camp. Through their evil words, revilers seek power and control. They put others down so that they can be put “up.” Once you get wise about this wickedness, you will get free of it and you will become a real threat to the reviler. “I know what you are. I know what you are doing. God hates what you are doing. In fact, He hates you!” At that point someone is going to “go.” Either the reviler, or if he has allies enough, the victim will be driven out.

And this is the judgment: the light has come into the world, and people loved the darkness rather than the light because their works were evil. (Joh 3:19)

Why are RASN’s Threatened When we Disagree With Them?

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On July 8, 2024

In Abusers

Proverbs 22:24-25 Make no friendship with a man given to anger, nor go with a wrathful man, (25) lest you learn his ways and entangle yourself in a snare.

If you have had much contact at all with a RASN (reviler, abuser, sociopath, narcissist), then you have no doubt been lashed with their anger. And one of the most common fuses that sets off this anger is simple disagreement with them. RASN’s simply cannot tolerate any opinion other than their own. Not only do they punish you for voicing disagreement, the fire of their wrath is set off if they even sense that you are thinking differently than they are. They are dictators on a small scale who insist on controlling even the minds of others.

Why is this? Why the rage?

Well, RASN’s are intensely insecure and fearful people. What are they afraid of? They are afraid that someone will see through their disguise and see them for who they really are. For whatever reason (none of such reasons being good), these kinds of people have resolved to cover their true selves with an image they have fabricated. So they live in constant fear that they will be discovered and uncovered. They expend tremendous energy keeping up the disguise. It’s like one of those sci-fi cloaking devices which requires continual energy to maintain or else the spaceship will become visible.

RASN’s then, are incredibly insecure and fearful people. They are in bondage to fear. They are never wrong. They are the best. They must win. No one must be permitted to believe otherwise. And anyone who does must be punished with blame, with an anger-lashing, or with some other form of retribution.

Don’t feel sorry for them. Don’t imagine that if you could just reason with them and help them see their fear, you could fix them. Nope. Not gonna work. I suppose that is what these Proverbs mean:

Pro 23:9 Do not speak in the hearing of a fool, for he will despise the good sense of your words.

Pro 26:12 Do you see a man who is wise in his own eyes? There is more hope for a fool than for him.

The RASN as Spiritual Elitist

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On July 1, 2024

In jealousy, Narcissist, RASN

And we impart this in words not taught by human wisdom but taught by the Spirit, interpreting spiritual truths to those who are spiritual. (1Corinthians 2:13)

This verse has been twisted and misapplied very, very often in the history of the Christian church, by people who want to be regarded as a kind of elite, “super-saint.” Such arrogance insists that “those who are spiritual” means that there is a lower class and an upper class of Christian. And, of course, the ones who teach this falsehood, always turn out to be members of the elite group. They, unlike the commoners, have been “taught by the Spirit” and the rest of us must emulate them and crave to become members of their class.

This is all entirely opposite to what the Apostle Paul means in this passage. He identifies two, and only two, categories of human beings – the natural man, and the spiritual man. Every real Christian, everyone who has been born again by faith in Christ, is indwelt by and is taught by the Spirit through the Word of God, the Bible. In other words, those who are spiritual are those who are in Christ and who are now radically different from the world and its natural worldlings.

What does this have to do with the RASN (reviler, abuser, sociopath, narcissist). Just this – RASNs who choose religion as their field of narcissistic supply, very often present themselves as a member of this false upper class of saints. They crave to be exalted in their local church. They seek (and very typically) positions – elder, pastor, music director, teacher, etc – and sadly, due to the naivete of the rest of the church members, very often achieve what they seek.

I suspect that many of you have known one or more of these kind. They can put on “holy talk.” They invite you to meet with them so they can “disciple” you. They seek a following and are intensely jealous of anyone whom they perceive to have a following. They put themselves forward as the “go to” person. Whether you need a Bible question answered or some kind of counseling – they are the ones to meet that need.

In politics lately you have heard of the “deep state” in reference to people and powers who operate behind the scenes, pursuing their own agendas. RASNs, because they regard themselves as super-saints, a cut above everyone else in the church, are a kind of “deep state.” They are constantly working to effect their own program, influencing people to go their direction, and very typically in doing so they are working against the real appointed leadership of the church. It is no wonder then that division and strife are so very common in the churches. These elitists are working non-stop to sow their seeds of discord. Remember, RASNs love to turn people against one another because divided people are easier to control.

If you are a Christian, that is, if you have been born again through faith in Christ, then you are what Paul calls “spiritual.” You are taught by the Spirit of Christ, led by the Spirit of Christ, always through the Word of Christ in the Bible. So don’t be intimidated by the elitist RASN. Be wise and understand that such a person is most often a wolf in wool.

Why are RASNs Drawn to Churches?

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On June 26, 2024

In Abusers, Churches/Church Response

Recently I experienced a replay of something (someone) which has happened to me countless times in my 41 years as a pastor. I suspect that most of you will say, “Oh yes, I have met that guy too.”

The setting is in the local church. Some Sunday, let’s call him Mr. Log in the Eye (LE for short), Mr. LE shows up at church. Why is he there? To worship God? Hardly. He is drawn there because religion is his chosen vehicle for self-exaltation by using and abusing others. Religion can be such a wonderful tool for – Pharisees. So here he comes.

Before his time on this particular Sunday is over, he will have minutely examined and judged just about everything and everyone. Following the morning service, he inevitably will approach the pastor and offer (unrequested of course) his judgment. Mr. LE’s words are abrasive. They are inappropriate and fundamentally unkind. He is a reviler – a person who shoots missiles with his words.

Now, Mr. LE is the kind of person who is trouble. Who is toxic. Who is divisive. He is the kind of person we do not want to be among us. And more – if he brings a wife and/or children along with him, they will be quiet and withdrawn while Mr. LE expounds. When you are on the receiving end of this fellow, you feel those darts within. In the moment, you really don’t know how to respond. You are left feeling discouraged and a bit of a failure.

Many domestic abusers I have had the sad “privilege” of dealing with in our own church, were just like Mr. LE. Arrogant. Judgmental. Unthankful. Rude and abrasive. I do not let such a person continue to use our church as his (or her) playground to feed their arrogance and entitlement. Abuse me once, shame on you. Abuse me a second time, and reject being corrected, and you will be shown the door. Mr. LE is not to be allowed to continue his abuse of Christ’s people.

Tit 3:10-11 As for a person who stirs up division, after warning him once and then twice, have nothing more to do with him, (11) knowing that such a person is warped and sinful; he is self-condemned.

John Bunyan Describes a RASN Perfectly in “The Life and Death of Mr. Badman”

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On June 23, 2024

In Abusers, Counseling

We’ve talked a good deal about his evil ways, but Mr. Badman added this to all his wickedness − he was a very proud man − exceedingly proud and haughty in mind. He had a look that said he must not be contradicted or opposed, because he considered himself to be as wise as the wisest person in the country, as good as the best, and as handsome as any. He took great delight in praising himself and also relished the praises others gave him. He couldn’t stand to have anyone think themselves above him, or to have their intellect or celebrity set before his. He had limited social manners toward his equals, but for those who were of an inferior rank, he looked down on them in great contempt. And if at any time he had a remote occasion having to do with them, he’d act aloof but with a very domineering spirit. Solomon gave a characteristic note about him when he said, Proud and haughty scorner is his name, who deals in proud wrath (Proverbs 21:24). He never thought his manner of living good enough, his clothes fine enough, or his praise refined enough….

Disregard what you say and laugh at you? That’s what the proud man will do no matter what Scripture you bring him, unless God strikes his conscience by the Word. Mr. Badman used to work for those who told him about his pride, but it did no good. Besides, when you have said what you can, they [ie, The RASN] will tell you they aren’t proud but that you are the one who is the proud man or you wouldn’t judge, nor would you in such a boldly disrespectful and evil-speaking way meddle with other men’s matters like you do.

Bunyan, John. The Life and Death of Mr. Badman (Updated, Illustrated): An Analysis of a Wicked Man’s Life, as a Warning for Others (Bunyan Updated Classics Book 4) (pp. 145-147). Aneko Press. Kindle Edition.

As we have been reading through this great book by John Bunyan (author of Pilgrim’s Progress), I have been repeatedly struck with Bunyan’s insight into RASNs (revilers, abusers, sociopaths, narcissists). Here he describes the terrible pride of such people. They refuse to be corrected or even to be disagreed with. They praise themselves and demand praise from others. Their sense of superiority and entitlement is astonishing.

I recommend this book very highly, but with this caution. Bunyan’s portrayal of the abuser is so accurate that the book can be rather triggering for anyone who has been abused by a Mr. Badman. Nevertheless, it is filled with practical wisdom, and – spoiler alert – Badman gets justice in the end.

Insisting that an Abuser is a Christian is a denial of the Biblical Doctrine of the New Birth

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On June 19, 2024

In Abusers, Biblical Teaching

2Co 5:17 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.

One of the most prevalent false teachings found in local churches, “Christian” literature and “Christian” counseling is the insistence that a RASN (reviler, abuser, sociopath, narcissist) can still be a Christian. The error goes even further, instructing people who have been victimized and targeted by these toxic individuals, that they must “believe the best” and accept the RASN’s claim to be a Christian.

But the thing is impossible.

As Paul states in the verse above, to be a Christian means being a new person. A newly birthed creation of God. Therefore, certain things will no longer be true of the new man. He will not think like he used to. His mindset will no longer be self, self, self. He will have been taught by Jesus to love. All of these things and more speak of a radical, radical change.

The Bible knows nothing of someone who walks in sin without repentance being a Christian.

1Jn 2:4-5 Whoever says “I know him” but does not keep his commandments is a liar, and the truth is not in him, (5) but whoever keeps his word, in him truly the love of God is perfected. By this we may know that we are in him:

1Jn 2:9-11 Whoever says he is in the light and hates his brother is still in darkness. (10) Whoever loves his brother abides in the light, and in him there is no cause for stumbling. (11) But whoever hates his brother is in the darkness and walks in the darkness, and does not know where he is going, because the darkness has blinded his eyes.

I find it intriguing (and very frustrating) that so many professing Christians see these truths as so radical, so black and white, that surely they must be softened down. “I mean, John surely could not have meant that someone who is a real Christian will love his brother, and that anyone who does not love others is not a Christian. No, we must not think in such absolutes.”

Really? The Bible DOES speak in such absolutes! We have it throughout Scripture.

The beginning of getting free of the “Christian” RASN is to realize that God means what He says. A RASN is not a Christian. He or she is a counterfeit from whom we must separate. And from whom we have the right to separate.

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