Unmasking the Domestic Abuser in the Church

Author: Jeff Crippen Page 2 of 87

The Ending Reveals the Beginning

Where a relationship ends up reveals what it was from the beginning

Often we can find ourselves going down that memory lane, thinking that things were so great back then. For anyone in a relationship with a RASN (reviler, abuser, sociopath, narcissist) and especially for a person married to a RASN, those good old days were not, in fact, the good old days.

One of the truths the target of a RASN needs to come to grips with is that at some point their marriage “went wrong.” It used to be good, but then it took a turn down abuser lane. But this is a fiction. When a relationship arrives at abuser-land, we can know that this is really what it always was. The RASN didn’t start out being a “good guy” and then gradually morph into the abuser he (or she) is today. A tree producing rotten fruit always had a bad root.

These are difficult truths to face up to. It isn’t pleasant to come to terms with the truth that the abuser never loved you. Never. Right from the start he was what he is. He may have expended more energy in wearing a disguise then, but a RASN is a RASN and always was a RASN.

As unpleasant as it is to face up to these things, this is the path to freedom. As long as an abuse victim clings to the idea that the RASN has a good side of “the force” within then, she will continue to rationalize and make excuses for the abuser. And generally these excuses have their origin in the abuser himself – “I had a bad upbringing;” “Things at work were hard today,” “You pushed my buttons,” and blah, blah, blah. We all need to realize that the common explanations for an abuser’s actions – “well, he just has anger issues,” etc – originate from the abuser himself. Think about that and let it sink in. The common psychological theory of a domestic abuser originates in the abuser himself. Abusers have been allowed to write the book on abusers!

Counselors and pastors, for example, allow a RASN to explain what is wrong with them and why they treat their spouse like they do. Buying into that nonsense, the counselors and pastors often present the victim with those abuse-excusing explanations and devise a plan of “therapy” founded upon these deceptive lies. The result? The prison of abuse enslaving the victim continues.

Abusers never change.

A marriage to an abuser does not need to be fixed, it needs to be ended.

The ending reveals what the beginning was.

These truths are mile markers on the road to freedom.

What is the Source of the RASN’s Popularity?

‘I will ascend above the heights of the clouds; I will make myself like the Most High.’
(Isa 14:14)

Very typically a RASN (reviler, abuser, sociopath, narcissist) is quite popular within his or her social circles. These might be at church, at work, with extended family or other social arenas. The RASN is held in high esteem for their charm, their helpfulness, their expertise in and skill or their academic prowess.

As a result, anyone who questions the RASN’s fame or ability is immediately written off as someone motivated by jealousy or ignorance or other ill motive. After all, everyone knows that the RASN is just the greatest. Any slight flaw seen in them is blamed upon someone else for “pushing the RASN’s buttons.”

However, the real source of the RASN’s popularity and famous reputation does not lie in true skill or genuine charm of persona. No. The actual origin of all of this wonderment of name and fame flows from the boastings and pride of the RASN himself. That is to say, the RASN is his own public relations department. He is “the greatest” person at his workplace. He is the best Christian. He is the pinnacle of fatherhood. Says who? Says the RASN himself.

And we very typically and unknowingly are caught up in this self-propaganda campaign of the RASN. We believe him or her. We buy into the belief that everyone at the RASN’s place of employment are incompetent fools and that if it weren’t for the RASN the business would fold. We are swept up into thinking that the RASN is the finest and most knowledgeable Christian in his church – because he tells us it is so.

But what is the reality? It is this – RASNs are fools. RASNs are the divisive source of trouble in whatever circle they operate in. It is not the wife or children of the RASN who stir up the trouble and frustration, it is the RASN. “I bring in 90% of the business where I work.” “If it weren’t for my hard work and wise counsel, the pastor of my church wouldn’t be able to make it.” “If my wife just realized how fortunate she is to have me as her husband….”. But these are all lies, and where do they find their source?

In the wicked one himself. The RASN is a fountain of lies. That is the real source of his or her popularity, which in reality is just a scam.

Abusers and Animals

Luk 12:24 Consider the ravens: they neither sow nor reap, they have neither storehouse nor barn, and yet God feeds them. Of how much more value are you than the birds!

Psa 145:15-16 The eyes of all look to you, and you give them their food in due season. (16) You open your hand; you satisfy the desire of every living thing.

Psa 147:9 He gives to the beasts their food, and to the young ravens that cry.

RASNs (revilers, abusers, sociopaths, narcissists) have no empathy. The cosmos revolves around them and everyone and everything exists only to serve their wicked ego. One of the very common ways their evil nature is exposed is in regard to how they relate to the animals.

Domestic abusers, for example, are known to evidence cruelty to animals. Sometimes when they want to punish their targeted victims (usually their wife) they treat a pet in the home with cruelty. They will even kill a beloved pet just to punish and control.

This trait demonstrates what a RASN really is – a child of the devil. He (or she) can claim to be a Christian and put on some fake saintly disguise, but their true spiritual DNA is revealed in how they abuse animals – or show no empathy toward them at all. They are of their father the devil. If they were children of God they would do what He does – feed and care for the animals.

Cruelty to animals comes in levels over a spectrum, from outright physical abuse of a pet to actually killing it. But there are more subtle levels of this evil as well. For instance [and don’t misunderstand what I am about to say here – I realize that not everyone chooses to have a dog or cat or other pet for reasons that are valid and not evil] ….for instance, a RASN, because they are a black hole void of empathy, will show no affection or kindness toward animals. They may tolerate (and even that for selfish reasons) a dog, for instance, in the home. But if you observe them, the RASN will betray his cold heart. Not by outright visible actions, but simply by having absolutely no feelings toward Buster or Teddy or Coco.

Domestic animals (pets) are rather remarkable creatures. They show far more empathy and love than the RASN and in that sense they are more human than the RASN. God has commanded us to love one another and therefore love is something that is supposed to be part of the very essence of what it means to be a human being. In that sense then, the RASN is more of a beast than a dog is. Dogs and other higher order animals are without question capable of showing love for their master. A chief highlight of a dog, for instance, is to key on phrases like “go for a walk” or “want to go?” I haven’t ever been able to really sort out why these outings elicit such excitement for a pet, but surely part of the explanation is that they simply want to be “with.” With us. With their master. If the master is, for example, absent for sometime (it may only be for a few hours!) there will be the family dog sitting at the front window waiting to hear that car drive up. The tail wags, jumping and licking and barking ensue. The master is home.

We have in these animals a wonderful picture of the genuine Christian’s relationship to the Lord Jesus Christ. Listen to the Good Shepherd:

Joh 10:3-5 To him the gatekeeper opens. The sheep hear his voice, and he calls his own sheep by name and leads them out. (4) When he has brought out all his own, he goes before them, and the sheep follow him, for they know his voice. (5) A stranger they will not follow, but they will flee from him, for they do not know the voice of strangers.”

None of these qualities are to be found in the RASN, regardless of how hard he works at his “christian” disguise. He does not know the voice of the Good Shepherd. Why? Because he does not know Him. He does not belong to Him. He is of his father the devil. And such a being is cruel toward Christ’s sheep.

Murder with Plausible Deniability

Joh 8:44 You are of your father the devil, and your will is to do your father’s desires. He was a murderer from the beginning, and does not stand in the truth, because there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks out of his own character, for he is a liar and the father of lies.

RASNs (revilers, abusers, sociopaths, narcissists) are of their father the devil. Everyone born into this world is a child of wrath, a slave of the devil, but RASNs are way down the spectrum in the kingdom of darkness. These are people with no conscience, haters of good, people who see themselves as the center of the universe. And because they share a heavy dose of their father’s DNA, we should not be surprised to find that satanic quality of murder in them.

Now, let’s be very accurate here. ALL of us, the moment we are born into this world, are dead in sin. By nature we are (were, if you are a Christian) sinners, haters of God, opposed to Christ. And as such we have all been guilty of murder via hatred for others. Jesus said so in the Sermon on the Mount. But not all of us actively seek to literally murder another human being. RASNs often do. Some simply take a weapon and literally kill. You see this far too often in domestic violence.

But RASNs are crafty. They like to murder but they want to have plausible deniability. And so they can choose to devise some kind of “set up” for death. Let me explain.

I have seen domestic abusers act in ways which endanger their spouse or children. These tactics can be rather subtle – and thus deniable. Refuse to put safe tires on the wife’s car. Let her drive then in an unsafe vehicle. Send her on errands to places where a loving husband would at least accompany her. Even promote a “martyrdom” attitude in the family so that they make unsafe decisions. I have seen cases like these where a woman, for instance, does something that is dangerous because her abuser encouraged it. All of this is fueled by a murderous intent.

A loving husband will guard his wife. He will regard her as the weaker vessel and step up to his duty before God to protect his wife. He will not let her take chances which put her in a dangerous situation. The RASN, in contrast, can often be seen actually encouraging these kinds of choices. I wonder how many women have died because of these very kind of tactics?

RASNs are Like Their Father the Devil

John 8:44  You are of your father the devil, and your will is to do your father’s desires. He was a murderer from the beginning, and does not stand in the truth, because there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks out of his own character, for he is a liar and the father of lies.

Light and Darkness are incompatible. They cannot be reconciled. There is no gray area or middle ground of agreement. And so it is with good and evil, righteousness and unrighteousness.

2 Corinthians 6:14-15  Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness?  (15)  What accord has Christ with Belial? Or what portion does a believer share with an unbeliever?

The RASN (reviler, abuser, sociopath, narcissist) is darkness. When we talk about this kind of individual, we are not speaking about a mere “difficult” person or about someone who is a “normal” unsaved person. We all have to operate in this fallen world and that means having to be in various relationships with non-Christian people. Employers, neighbors, family members, and so on.

But when we consider the RASN (and typically we deal here with the domestic abuser) we have left the realm of the “normal” and entered the territory of the abnormal. These are people who, like the Pharisees who hated Christ, actively seek to destroy (their father the devil is a murderer from the beginning), and they actively seek, through their arsenal of abuser tactics, to exercises power and control over their target. They are darkness and servants of the god of this world.

This is true of course of all unsaved people who are dead in their sin, in bondage to the devil. But might we not be correct in saying that there is a gradient of evil? All who are outside of Christ are in the darkness. They are servants of sin. They hate the law of God. So there is no one “good.” Not even one (see Romans 3:10ff).

But the RASN – take the narcissist or the sociopath for instance – is on the farther end of the spectrum of evil. Without conscience. Devoid of empathy. Heartless and cruel. An active hater of what is good and right.

These truths the typical professing Christian and the typical pastor or Christian counselor just doesn’t get or admit to. How often I have had these kind of people tell me “but we are all sinners.” They want to categorize the unregenerate into one common lump. But that is not reality. There really are people who are more evil than others, and RASNs are of that level of wickedness.

Therefore, when the church tells a victim of domestic abuse that she (or sometimes he) must remain in marriage to their abuser, what does this mean? It means that such “counselors” are demanding that darkness and light co-exist. Remember, I am not talking about a situation in which a Christian finds herself married to an unsaved husband. I am addressing the scenario of a Christian married to a RASN. To demand that such a non-marriage continue is to deny the nature of the wicked spouse. Jesus said that such people are of their father the devil. That they share their father’s wicked DNA and thus, like him, they are liars and murderers. They don’t just want to not think about Christ, they want to kill Him and all who belong to Him.

When a church leader then, orders an abuse victim to remain bound to her RASN, that leader is actually ordering her to continue to live with Cain, who is in various ways, acting with murderous intent toward her. I have written elsewhere that domestic abuse is murder cooked slowly. Just put her on the barbeque on low and let her cook.

The RASN’s Agenda Must be Everyone’s Agenda

If anyone teaches a different doctrine and does not agree with the sound words of our Lord Jesus Christ and the teaching that accords with godliness, he is puffed up with conceit and understands nothing. He has an unhealthy craving for controversy and for quarrels about words, which produce envy, dissension, slander, evil suspicions, and constant friction among people who are depraved in mind and deprived of the truth, imagining that godliness is a means of gain. (1 Timothy 6:3-5)

We know that RASNs (revilers, abusers, sociopaths, narcissists) are driven by their mindset of exaggerated importance. They MUST be the most important being on the planet, and everyone else only exists to feed that fantasy.

One fairly common example of this self-exalting demand is when the RASN insists that whatever HIS focus is on, whatever issue HE deems to be essential, be embraced by everyone else. I have seen this played out many times.

For instance, a Godly man I knew years ago was employed by a member of our church (no longer a member, thankfully). One day this first fellow said to me “you know, whatever thing my boss deems to be important on a given day, MUST be regarded as the ‘drop everything else and focus on this’ mission that day.” Now, that may initially sound reasonable, but in this case the “boss” was a fool. Instead of focusing on things that really needed to be done, routine, daily things that obviously had to be taken care of regularly, this employer pushed senseless duties upon everyone else. Why? Because he insisted upon being the center. And that meant that everyone else had to pull themselves off of important things and give themselves to some stupid task.

Another example in my experience was when a man showed up at our church one Sunday. He was dressed immaculately – unusually so. He gave a bit of his background, telling us all what a fine Christian he was, and claiming to have been closely connected with a professional, NBA basketball team. That week immediately following the Sunday service, he sent me an email full of flattery, asking that I meet with him that week to discuss theological issues. I responded by telling him that the way I minister to people is for them to come on Sundays regularly and to plug into my online teaching studies. His response? “Well, I can see that you don’t have time for someone like me.” I rebuked him and told him to stop his guilt-tripping manipulative tactics. He never came back.

I looked into this fellow’s past church experiences and things grew even more suspect. NO ONE at his two prior churches was willing to talk to me about him. One pastor said “we do not discuss that man with anyone.” It was almost as if the pastor was fearful?? Something very dark and hidden characterized this RASN.

I am always suspect when a new person visits our church and immediately begins to crave special attention, or offer critiques of sermons or introduce subjects which they insist everyone else show an interest in. But this is what RASNs do. They have no respect for boundaries. They insist that they be granted rights and privileges and trust that are only gained over time by evidencing oneself as trustworthy. And if our response to them is to refuse to embrace their priority issues, the fangs will come out.

Without doubt victims of domestic abusers know exactly what I am speaking of. They have lived this. Their abuser refused to let them be a person, having their own interests and goals. No. Everyone is to get on board with the RASN’s issues. Never mind that those issues will change almost daily, creating chaos and frustration.

These are the kind of people that Paul warned Timothy about in the scripture quoted above.

…he is puffed up with conceit and understands nothing. He has an unhealthy craving for controversy and for quarrels about words, which produce envy, dissension, slander, evil suspicions, and constant friction among people…

RASNs Have no Love for Animals

A very common trait in a RASN (reviler, abuser, sociopath, narcissist) is their lack of love or empathy for animals. Thinking back over the many, many RASNs I have had the sad “privilege” of knowing, I can see this void as a consistent trait.

My wife and I have had pets (mostly dogs) all the years we have been married – starting out with “Buster,” a husky/keeshund mix we got for free from some genuine hippies in NW Portland years ago. Buster was with us for 14 years and is buried on his trail in Montana which he used to go get cookies from the neighbors every day. Since then we have had Brandy, Sasha, Sadie, and now Cinder and Mocha. They live with us, go in the car – all that usual stuff dogs love.

RASNs know nothing of this. I realize that not all people who choose not to have a pet are RASNs (in many cases allergies prohibit it), but what I have observed is that RASNs consistently have no love, empathy, or kindness toward animals. That makes sense because RASNS have no love, empathy, or kindness toward PEOPLE either. They are an empathy black hole, a loveless vacuum.

I am certainly not the first person to note this trait. As you read about the mentality and tactics of RASNs, you will typically find that this void of love for creatures is quite common. In many cases there is an outright cruelty to animals, especially if the pet is one that the abuser’s victim loves.

God created the animals. Why? For man’s enjoyment and companionship. Not the full companionship which can only be given by another human being, but nevertheless for man’s enjoyment and for God’s glory the animals were created. They are part of the creation which man is charged with caring for. This is why cruelty to animals is a great sin and evil. Such wickedness will never again be found in the New Heavens and Earth when Christ comes again.

Domesticated animals such as cats and dogs and others have the capacity to demonstrate emotion. I suppose even a cow can do so if, for instance, raised from calfhood by one person as a pet. Burros and donkeys and horses do. Animals have the capacity to actually love their master. It is more than just because the master feeds them – they actually long to be WITH their master. You see it in a dog for instance, when you mention key words like “go” or “walk” or “car.” They want to be with.

It is therefore an affront to animals to call a wicked person an “animal.” Because animals have more humanity in them than a RASN does.

Why Abuse Victims are so Often Dismissed

Most of you know that when a victim of an abuser (RASN = reviler, abuser, sociopath, narcissist) tells someone about the abuse she (or he) is experiencing, they often meet with disbelief. They are dismissed as over reacting to things that surely are not as bad as all of that.

Why is this?

There are more than just one reason, but I want to focus here on a very typical one. It has to do with the two-faced, disguise-wearing characteristic of RASNs. What this means is that the person WE see and interact with and the person (RASN) the VICTIM interacts with are two very different persons. The person she sees is a RASN. The person we see is often the finest, saintliest, kindest individual we know.

And that is why the abuse victim’s “story” strikes us as so unbelievable – at least as long as we are naive about how these RASNs operate.

I have probably told you before of a classic example of this which I experienced years ago. A man in our church worked for another one of our church members (we will call that one Fred). One day when I took the first fellow fishing, he said to me, “Pastor, there are two Freds. There is the one you know, the one you see at church, and then there is the one I have to work for through the week. That Fred was selfish, arrogant, devoid of empathy. The Fred at church…well…he was a different person altogether. The “Christian” Fred was no Christian at all. Fortunately I had enough experience by that time with these kind of people that I did not doubt what this fellow was telling me.

So, if we are going to properly help victims of RASNs, we need to be wise. We need to understand that RASNs put on a front in public arenas, like the church, when in fact they are really an entirely different person. As long as we continue to believe that such a thing is just not possible, then we have no business giving advice or counsel to a wife, for instance, who is married to a RASN.

Article by a Blog Follower Stating Concerns about John MacArthur’s Ministry

Many thanks to N for writing this. She actually wrote it quite a long while ago but sent it to me recently after we learned that MacArthur had passed away. I decided to publish it (with her permission) –

Concerns Regarding John MacArthur and Church Leadership

“A good preacher, but a bad liver, is like a physician who has the plague: though the advice and prescription he gives may be good, yet his plague infects the patient.” ~ Thomas Watson

As a confessional reformed conservative Christian, I am deeply troubled by the actions of John MacArthur and the leadership at Grace Community Church (GCC) in response to serious allegations of abuse. Twenty years ago, an elder at GCC was convicted of heinous crimes and remains in prison. Yet, the church has not reversed the wrongful excommunication of Eileen Gray nor publicly condemned the guilty party. This failure to address past wrongs raises questions about the leadership’s commitment to justice and empathy, qualities essential to reflecting Christ’s love.

For years, those attuned to the tactics of abuse have sensed issues within GCC. The allegations surrounding MacArthur’s handling of this situation are not surprising to those who have observed these patterns. The Bible emphasizes that leaders must bear good fruit (Matthew 7:16-20). When a church defends wrongdoers or fails to protect the vulnerable, it cannot be considered sound. According to 1 Timothy 1:9-10, unsound behavior reflects unsound doctrine. Wrongful excommunication, for instance, can constitute emotional, psychological, and spiritual abuse, which is incompatible with godly leadership.

Scripture places greater emphasis on a pastor’s integrity and character than on his accomplishments or theological precision (1 Timothy 3:1-7). Regardless of how many books a leader has written, sermons preached, or institutions built, these do not outweigh a lack of integrity. If a leader fails to protect the vulnerable or acknowledge his errors publicly, his ministry lacks biblical grounding. God can use flawed individuals to accomplish His purposes, but this does not mean He approves of their actions, and neither should we. As believers, we must prioritize character over celebrity, recognizing that Satan can mimic theological prowess but cannot replicate true integrity or repentance.

A pastor must be above reproach, meaning his conduct should be beyond fault (Titus 1:6-7). Defending or enabling abuse disqualifies a leader from ministry, regardless of his achievements. The biblical standard is clear: one victim is one too many. When leaders fail to meet these qualifications, the church must hold them accountable, even if it means removing them from ministry. Compromising on this standard risks further harm to the church and its members. The most loving response is to enforce consequences, ensuring the protection of the vulnerable and the integrity of the church. 

When churches protect wrongdoers, it signals deeper corruption. As 1 Corinthians 5:6 warns, “a little leaven leavens the whole lump.” Unaddressed sin festers, damaging the entire body. Jesus exposes such corruption to reveal the true nature of a ministry. Satan, described as an angel of light (2 Corinthians 11:14), can use skilled pretenders to deceive. Thus, it is not unimaginable that a prominent leader could be corrupt. Believers are called to exercise discernment and reject deception, as warned in Scripture (2 Timothy 4:3-4).

The response to these allegations should not be dismissive or neutral, such as claiming “we don’t know”— or worse, praising the “success” of MacArthur’s ministry. Instead, the church must demand transparency and accountability. A genuine pastor whose calling is based on his character qualifications will be able to withstand intense scrutiny. If he cannot, then the Biblical response is abandonment (John 10:5, Matt 15:14). Public shaming of unrepentant leaders is also biblical (1 Timothy 5:20), and the church is not bound by secular legal standards like “innocent until proven guilty” when addressing spiritual abuse. Failing to stand against abusers and their enablers aligns the church with falsehood rather than Christ.

The church must prioritize the souls of those harmed, like Eileen Gray, over the preservation of a leader’s reputation or ministry. Imagine being the spouse of a convicted abuser, only to see your pastor defend the guilty party while you are ostracized. Such actions betray the wounded and undermine the gospel. True godliness demands justice and compassion for victims, not loyalty to influential figures. The church does not depend on any one leader; it depends on Christ alone.

The silence from GCC regarding these allegations is concerning. If the charges are as serious as reported, the church should demand an investigation to uncover the truth. Failure to do so suggests a lack of commitment to biblical standards. Leaders must be held to account, and conferences or affiliations with them should be reconsidered until clarity is provided. A good warning to those who staunchly want to exalt doctrinal teaching above character and at the expense of genuine pastoral shepherding of the wounded is that Jesus hated the Pharisees for that very reason.

Addressing abuse in the church is not about protecting a ministry but about upholding justice, righteousness, and mercy—values central to the gospel. Christians must reject the idolatry of celebrity pastors and hold leaders to the high standard of Scripture. The Bible warns that false teachers and wolves will arise among us (Acts 20:29-30), often disguised as faithful shepherds. Discernment requires us to test all things and hold fast to what is good (1 Thessalonians 5:21).

This issue demands more than passive acknowledgment. It calls for active pursuit of truth and justice. The church must prioritize the vulnerable, demand accountability, and trust God to raise up leaders who meet His standards. Only then can we reflect the heart of Christ and protect the integrity of His church. 

To the leaders of GCC I want to remind you, Jesus is the Great Shepherd and His first instinct when they are in danger was lay down His life to protect them knowing how much He had to suffer for them and bear many false accusations in the process. Any pastor whose first instinct is self preservation at the expense of the sheep is the hireling, thief and robber Jesus NEVER called to ministry (John 10: 12,13).

Three of the Very Best Messages on Raising Children I Have ever Heard

One of the chief areas of grief in dealing with a RASN (reviler, abuser, sociopath, narcissist) is when children are involved. Most of you have experienced this very thing – how the RASN uses the children as property, as a weapon for control. How he/she abuses the children. In these three messages, especially in the second one, you will hear examples of these very tactics.

But there is also a huge amount of wisdom for everyone in these sermons by Martyn Lloyd-Jones as he speaks on Ephesians 6:1-4,

Ephesians 6:1-4  Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.  (2)  “Honor your father and mother” (this is the first commandment with a promise),  (3)  “that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.”  (4)  Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.

Here are the links to these messages, or if you have MLJ’s set of books on Ephesians, they are chapter 19-21 in the volume “Life in the Spirit.”

  1. https://mljtrust.org/sermons/book-of-ephesians/discipline-and-the-modern-mind/

    2. https://mljtrust.org/sermons/book-of-ephesians/balanced-discipline/

    3. https://mljtrust.org/sermons/book-of-ephesians/godly-upbringing/

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