Unholy Charade - Jeff Crippen

Unmasking the Domestic Abuser in the Church

Author: Jeff Crippen Page 8 of 89

Can You ‘Love’ Your Abuser into Repentance?

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On October 22, 2024

In Counseling

If favor is shown to the wicked, he does not learn righteousness; in the land of uprightness he deals corruptly and does not see the majesty of the LORD. (Isaiah 26:10)

A normal, non-toxic person responds positively to kindness shown to them. They are thankful. They want to show kindness in return. This is how we think and how we respond to kindness shown.

But here is where we go wrong. We believe that surely everyone thinks and responds just as we do. And that is a trap. It is not being wise to imagine that a wicked person such as a RASN (reviler, abuser, sociopath, narcissist) thinks and reacts just like we do. One of the first steps in waking up to these evils is to realize that RASN’s are not wired normally.

Now, certainly we “normals” are capable of sin. There are times when kindness is shown to us and we do not respond with thankfulness. We can be inconsiderate. BUT, look again at the Psalmist’s statement about the wicked. If favor is shown to him/her, he does not learn righteousness. In other words, this is characteristic of the RASN. It is who he is. When kindness is shown to him, he only continues in his wickedness. He does not learn, even in the slightest amount, what is right. His currency is corruption.

We need to learn this truth very, very well. You cannot ‘win’ your abuser by showering him with kindness. The RASN is not going to change in reaction to you resolving to love him more. That is not how he is wired. In fact, I can tell you what his response will be. He will see your kindness as evidence of your weakness and he will be energized to abuse you even more. He does not learn righteousness from being shown favor. He just keeps being even more who he really is. If favor is shown to the wicked, he does not learn righteousness; in the land of uprightness he deals corruptly and does not see the majesty of the LORD.

I have learned this truth the hard way over many years. It took me a long time to finally get it. I still catch myself imagining scenarios that are just that – imaginary. You know, those thoughts where we play out some script in our mind with a “they all changed and lived happily ever after” outcome. Not gonna happen. Not when we are dealing with a RASN. You are not going to change your RASN. That is why I always tell abuse victims two things:

  1. Your abuser is never going to change.
  2. A marriage to an abuser does not need to be fixed, it needs to be ended.

Did You Know that my weekly Bible studies and Sunday services are available to you?

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On October 21, 2024

In Abusers

Each week I livestream three Bible studies – Ephesians, Romans, and a Children’s study. On Sunday morning I teach a class in the first hour, then preach the sermon – both of these are also livestreamed. We stream on Facebook at Light for Dark Times and also on Sermon Audio at sermonaudio.com/crc. I then upload these videos to our Youtube channel at Light for Dark Times. I maintain a group mailing (bcc) and send the past week’s video links out at the start of each new week. We have over 800 such videos available at Youtube and Sermon Audio. If you would like to be added to the group mailing, email me at swordtrowel@gmail.com and I will put you on it. (And I must give credit to my wife Verla who handles all the livestreaming, the camera, the sound equipment for all of these livestreams).

Here is a sample from this past week which you would receive:

80 – Ephesians Study – https://youtu.be/oO3TuwQ42TI

60 – Romans Study – https://youtu.be/7lfdQwWDZIs

7 – Children’s Study – https://youtu.be/zi6wGOgsBlk

Sunday Morning Class – John Brown on 1 Peter 1 – https://youtu.be/qAVogaqGO3I

23 – First Corinthians Sermon – Chapter 5, Christ Our Passover – Remove the Leaven from Among You

Announcement – All New Posts will be here at unholycharade.com

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On October 21, 2024

In Blog News

For quite a long time I have maintained two blog sites and written for both on a weekly basis. However, I have decided to just write new posts here at unholycharade.com and leave the other blog – lightfordatktimes.com – online with all past articles. But no new posts will be added to it. LFDT’s will still serve as a resource. You can use the search feature to find posts on various subjects, but be sure you are subscribed to follow unholycharade.com for new posts.

It’s Not Always Going to be this Way

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On October 21, 2024

In Counseling

Rev 21:3-4 And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God. (4) He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.”

In this present world, we all too often meet people whose situation seems hopeless. Many of you have either been in that position and others of you are in it right now. You are stuck. You have been deceived by an evil spouse. You have children from the marriage. You have given your life to raising those children and have not been in the workplace, so leaving and supporting yourself is not possible. The evil one threatens to take your children and has the legal resources to keep you in court for years. Your family members have been turned against you by the lies. Your church only reinforces the demand that you remain married. This is just an all too common scenario.

Hope is a powerful thing. And so is hopeLESSness. Our enemy knows this very well. Satan can be expected to do all that he can through his servants to strip hope away from us. I had a good friend who caved to this hopelessness and threw himself off a bridge and drowned. He was a Christian, but the enemy got such a grip on him that he concluded that death was his only “hope.” Which, of course, is no hope at all.

But for the Christian, hopelessness is a LIE. When your mind is dwelling on your hopeless condition, then you need to shake the lie out of your mind and replace it with Christ’s truth. Part of hopelessness is the idea that it has no end. That your hopeless condition is permanent. THAT IS A LIE! Listen to Peter on this:

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! According to his great mercy, he has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, to an inheritance that is imperishable, undefiled, and unfading, kept in heaven for you, who by God’s power are being guarded through faith for a salvation ready to be revealed in the last time. In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ. Though you have not seen him, you love him. Though you do not now see him, you believe in him and rejoice with joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory, obtaining the outcome of your faith, the salvation of your souls.
(1Pe 1:3-9)

There is an OUTCOME if you know Christ. Now, “for a little while, you are grieved by various trials. But the Lord is using these very trials for His glory and for your good – for the strengthening of your faith.

One day your grief is going to be changed into “joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory.” That IS going to happen. This is hope. It is certain. Every thought that Satan launches at you like a missile is a lie. We must shield ourselves from these darts with faith in the certain and true promises of the Lord. The devil is not going to win. He cannot separate you from the love of God in Christ Jesus, no matter what trials he sends your way. So never give in to hopelessness. For the Christian, it is a lie.

We Must be Humble in Handling God’s Word or we will Cause Great Harm

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On October 15, 2024

In Biblical Teaching

“It is too great arrogancy for any man or church to think that he or they have so sounded the Word of God to its bottom, as precisely to set down the church’s discipline without error in substance or circumstances, and to insist that no one may digress or differ in any thing from [one’s own position]. It is not difficult to show that the Reformed Churches differ in many circumstances among themselves.”

Governor William Bradford, Plymouth Colony

This quotation comes from that Godly governor way back in the days of the Pilgrims, William Bradford. He wrote this in response to a controversy among the colonists at Plymouth when a division arose over the question of what exact positions on certain secondary topics a person must hold to be admitted as a member of their churches.

You can see Bradford’s wisdom in this, and his humility. His point was that it is incredible arrogance for church leaders or members to insist that they alone have “sounded” the depths of the Word of God on a point which true Christians differ, and who then demand that everyone else be subject to their opinion.

There has been tremendous damage in our churches and great harm effected upon the innocent when one church or one pastor or one board of elders insist, for insist, that they and they alone hold the “biblical” position on the reasons for divorce. We see this utter arrogance for instance in church leaders who enforce “divorce for no reason ever” and insist that this is God’s command. Abuse victims are left to suffer. Or you have others who insist that they have arrived at truth in teaching and enforcing adultery as the only reason for divorce, abuse not being a reason.

Now, think about this carefully. As Bradford noted, is it not true that genuine Christians, that real churches, differ on this subject? Certainly all real Christians are unanimous in confessing the deity of Christ, or the doctrine of justification by faith alone, or the virgin birth, or the inspiration of the Bible. We know these truths to be truth and rightly insist that no digression from these doctrines is permissible. But are topics such as the reasons for divorce held with the same kind of unanimity among Christians? Of course not.

Therefore you can see that a person who insists that they have come to the one and only biblical position on this topic of divorce, and who then enforce that decision upon others even to the point of ex-communicating those who differ, are sinfully and grossly arrogant.

Certainly all who are genuinely in Christ realize that there is such a thing as sinful divorce. Domestic abusers are guilty of this, even when they prohibit their victim from leaving the marriage. Abusers break the marriage covenant, destroy the marriage, and are the ones Malachi speaks against – it is these whom the Lord hates. But to announce to all that “we” have arrived at the only true position on divorce, to insist that no divorce is permitted by God, or that domestic abuse is not in the list of reasons and demand that everyone abide by our conclusions, is wicked arrogance.

Think again on this carefully. Do true churches, pastors, elders, theologians, differ on their conclusions regarding biblical justification for divorce? Of course. No one can deny that. Therefore what can we conclude about a pastor or even individual Christian who proclaims that he or she holds the only true, biblical position on this matter? I can tell you. We can conclude that such a person is guilty of hurtful, harmful, enslaving arrogance. And I will go further. We can conclude that such a person’s entire ministry is called into question because the arrogance which they evidence in this one matter certainly will infect all of their teaching.

My Answer to an Excellent Question

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On October 7, 2024

In Submission

I decided to make a stand-alone post out of an answer that I gave to this excellent question one commenter submitted: “Is there a difference between ‘submit’ and ‘obey’? If I must obey my husband at all times, then I make him my God, which he is not.”

Excellent question. I don’t think there is a difference between the two words as such, but to understand what Paul means by “submit” requires us seeing the big picture context of, for example, Ephesians 6. Husband and wife are one flesh – WHEN A MARRIAGE IS TRULY A MARRIAGE. In a true marriage, as God intends, the husband LOVES his wife as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for her. It is in THAT KIND OF MARRIAGE that the wife is instructed to submit to her husband. Submission means to follow the head who is acting for the best interests of the wife, out of real love for her and for the Lord. I believe a real Christian woman WANTs to do so. She wants the husband to lead, and shepherd her and her children. But when people apply submission in a marriage that is diseased and corrupt because either the husband or the wife is an evil person, self-serving, etc., this biblical model of marriage is simply not going to work. This is the error of so many “christian” counselors or pastors, etc – they insist that God’s model for marriage is to be applied to marriages that are not real marriages and where the love of Christ is not present. I don’t pretend to have all the answers on this subject but I do believe that telling a wife, for instance, to submit to an evil domestic abuser is very bad, unbiblical counsel that will result in great harm.

Like Their Father, RASNs are Destroyers

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On September 30, 2024

In hubris, jealousy, Narcissist, RASN

But the Pharisees went out and conspired against him, how to destroy him. (Mat 12:14)

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.
(Joh 10:10)

The devil is a destroyer. He doesn’t create things, he destroys them. He doesn’t give people life, he gives them death. He hates God’s creation. He is a murderer, and all of his children share in his evil traits.

RASNs (revilers, abusers, sociopaths, narcissists) are children of the devil. He destroys, and they destroy. He lies, and they lie. They are indeed, as Jesus told them, of their father the devil.

RASNs do not cultivate life. They don’t build others up. They love only themselves and they are driven by the desire to tear down and destroy. They destroy their spouse, their children, and really anything that is good. If the wife of a RASN, for example, excels at her job and receives recognition for it, her RASN spouse must set out to tear it all down. To congratulate, to give encouragement and praise, these are all foreign things to such a person. Because RASNs demand that THEY receive the recognition – even though they don’t deserve it.

People who are married to a RASN are married to a destroyer. Whatever they build, the RASN must destroy. And so it is just as the Apostle Paul put it:

DESTRUCTION AND MISERY ARE IN THEIR PATHS,
(Rom 3:16)

The Puppy-eyed Victimhood of the RASN

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On September 23, 2024

In Abusers

And this second thing you do. You cover the LORD’s altar with tears, with weeping and groaning because he no longer regards the offering or accepts it with favor from your hand. (Mal 2:13)

Revilers, abusers, sociopaths and narcissists (RASNs) never accept blame. It is always someone else’s fault. If you have had dealings with such a person you know this to be true. You did it. You failed. You, You, You. Never them. RASNs lack desire or ability for introspection. They are never wrong.

Some RASNs I have crossed paths with over the years were skilled at that “puppy-dog” look when confronted with their sin. That face says “poor me, just think about how cruelly you are treating me.” (I was going to insert a picture here of a puppy with that look, but I decided it would be cruel to illustrate a RASN with a puppy).

Just think about how wicked and cunning this tactic is. The RASN has just assaulted you with reviling words, exercised that classic evil double standard, falsely accused you of something in front of others…and now when he is confronted with his evil, that poor me affect sweeps onto his face and into the tone of his voice. Oh, how you have hurt the poor guy (or gal).

One such person I had to deal with as a pastor was a very mean-spirited, arrogant lady who threw a tantrum just before the church service began because she didn’t get her way. When I admonished her for her behavior the next day, here came the puppy-dog look. How could I be so mean to her? Oh, how I had hurt her. And others who were there (and who had witnessed her tantrum the day before) felt oh so, so sorry for her now. She then stormed out because, you know, I had hurt her so badly.

As you think about this tactic, you come to see just how wicked it is. The guilty party plays victim – and so many people fall for it! We all need to wise up to this business and call the RASN out when he or she attempts to use this weapon.

The Wrath of the Lamb Awaits the RASN

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On September 18, 2024

In Abusers, Hell, Narcissist, RASN

Then the kings of the earth and the great ones and the generals and the rich and the powerful, and everyone, slave and free, hid themselves in the caves and among the rocks of the mountains, calling to the mountains and rocks, “Fall on us and hide us from the face of him who is seated on the throne, and from the wrath of the Lamb, for the great day of their wrath has come, and who can stand?” (Rev 6:15-17)

The wrath of the Lamb. That is an interesting phrase, isn’t it? A Lamb and Wrath. Have you ever seen a lamb that is so frightening that you run and hide from it? And yet here we have it. Hide us from the wrath of the Lamb.

That Lamb is, of course, the Lord Jesus Christ who, as the lamb of God, became our Passover lamb to bear our sins on the cross. Like a lamb led to slaughter, he did not open his mouth. What John is telling us here in Revelation however is that the One who came as that Lamb to bear our sins, is coming again. Only this time He will come as the exalted Son of God, King of kings, perfect in holiness and justice and against Whom no one can stand.

Our churches today typically are emphasizing Christ as a lamb. Meek and mild Jesus. People don’t fear Him. They want to pick him up and cuddle that infant in the manger. But the Lamb is also the One who hates evil, who is infinitely holy, whose justice will never ben denied. He is the One who is described as a “consuming fire,” whose wrath is quickly kindled (Psalm 2).

For we know him who said, “Vengeance is mine; I will repay.” And again, “The Lord will judge his people.” It is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the living God.
(Heb 10:30-31)

The Lamb gave us glimpses of His holy wrath against sin when He was in this world:

And making a whip of cords, he drove them all out of the temple, with the sheep and oxen. And he poured out the coins of the money-changers and overturned their tables.
(Joh 2:15)

He even gave us a glimpse into that great Day when He comes to judge the world:

“Then he will say to those on his left, ‘Depart from me, you cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. (Mat 25:41)

And Paul tells us the same thing:

…and to grant relief to you who are afflicted as well as to us, when the Lord Jesus is revealed from heaven with his mighty angels in flaming fire, inflicting vengeance on those who do not know God and on those who do not obey the gospel of our Lord Jesus. They will suffer the punishment of eternal destruction, away from the presence of the Lord and from the glory of his might, (2Th 1:7-9)

This is our Lord. This is Jesus. But the wicked do not fear Him. They will, but now now. “There is no fear of God before their eyes.” RASNs (revilers, abusers, sociopaths, narcissists) do not fear Him. But they will. They would rather be buried alive than to face the wrath of the Lamb on that Day. Even right at this moment, every RASN, along with every other sinner who has rejected Christ, is in flames of torment. We know they are because the Lamb told that parable of the rich man and Lazarus:

The rich man also died and was buried, and in Hades, being in torment, he lifted up his eyes and saw Abraham far off and Lazarus at his side. And he called out, ‘Father Abraham, have mercy on me, and send Lazarus to dip the end of his finger in water and cool my tongue, for I am in anguish in this flame.’ (Luke 16:22-24)

Relief is coming to Christ’s people who are persecuted by evil ones. Your RASN will receive justice – eternal justice. Because the Lamb is coming to judge the world.

Some Red Flags that Give the RASN Away

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On September 14, 2024

In Abusers, hubris, Narcissist, RASN

3 John 1:9 I have written something to the church, but Diotrephes, who likes to put himself first, does not acknowledge our authority.

RASNs are not rare. I group these four toxic types together in this RASN acronym (Revilers, abusers, sociopaths, narcissists) because, for instance, narcissists revile (abusive speech), they abuse and some may well be sociopaths. I am not a psychology expert so my terminology here is my own but I write from sad experience of running across these RASNs more often than I could count.

Let me give you some examples of RASNs in action and how their behavior is a clear red flag – “look out for this one! They are trouble.” I may well have shared these examples before, but repetition never hurts and after all, these are examples I have firsthand knowledge of.

Red Flag #1 – A self-appointed authority to control you. When my wife and I bought a house many years ago and we moved out of the church-owned parsonage, one of the church board members said (at a church board meeting in front of everyone), “Pastor, your new house is 15 miles from the church building. You are distancing yourself from your congregation and you will have no accountability there.” Now, what kind of a person says such a thing? I can tell you – a RASN. This guy was angry because he was losing control – he was not going to be able to “watch” the pastor as closely. Of course at the time in my naivete, I chalked this behavior up to this fellow just being a “difficult” person. It was far more than that.

Red Flag #2 – A similar instance happened when I announced that I was going to be preaching a series of sermons on Romans, chapters 1-8. A RASN came up to me and with great energy said, “You should not be doing that! Those chapters are about evangelism and the church needs to be about building up the saints!” Again, what kind of a person says such a thing – who actually tries to dictate the pastor’s sermon series? I can tell you. A RASN.

Red Flag #3 – In an airport, a man and his wife were heading toward the gate of their departing flight when the wife said, “I need to go in the restroom. Here is one right here.” Her husband held onto her hand and said, “No. You have to wait and go later.” What kind of person dictates their spouse’s bathroom breaks? I can tell you. A RASN.

Red Flag #4 – A Sunday school class teacher launched into a harangue against a well-known candidate for political office. Not only was such a subject very inappropriate on a Sunday in a class that was supposed to be studying the Bible, but this man knew very well that most of the people in the class approved of that candidate. His mission actually was to prove to everyone that they were fools and that he was the wise one. What kind of person does such a thing? A RASN.

I could go on and on, but my point is that these kinds of things are not mere yellow “possibility” flags. They are RED flags that identify the RASN. Many times these people worm their way into position and office in the local church where they work to exalt themselves at the expense of others. Each one of the red flags I list in this article are grounds individually to disqualify such a person not only from church leadership, but raise great suspicion regarding their claim to be a Christian. These actions are serious matters and if a church body is wise, they will recognize the gravity of these kinds of behaviors.

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