Unholy Charade - Jeff Crippen

Unmasking the Domestic Abuser in the Church

Author: Jeff Crippen Page 77 of 88

Abuse as Enslavement: "Clipping Her Wings"

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On April 10, 2019

In Biblical Teaching

If you have ever had chickens, you may have had to trim their wing feathers to keep them from flying out of the chicken pen.  Clipping wings is a good thing when done to chickens.  It really is for their own good.  Chickens just aren’t meant to soar like an eagle (if they try, the eagle will get them). And besides, soaring makes finding the eggs pretty hard.
But abusive people believe in clipping the wings of their victims, and this is most definitely not a good thing.  We as human beings are intended by our Creator to soar:

Psalms 8:3-9 ESV When I look at your heavens, the work of your fingers, the moon and the stars, which you have set in place, (4)  what is man that you are mindful of him, and the son of man that you care for him? (5)  Yet you have made him a little lower than the heavenly beings and crowned him with glory and honor. (6)  You have given him dominion over the works of your hands; you have put all things under his feet, (7)  all sheep and oxen, and also the beasts of the field, (8)  the birds of the heavens, and the fish of the sea, whatever passes along the paths of the seas. (9)  O LORD, our Lord, how majestic is your name in all the earth!

Abusers however, work to keep their targets in the pen.  And as most of our readers already know, they have many tactics for doing just that.  One such clipping tool is a kind of economic one.  Let me explain.

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We Must Not Excuse the Wicked Person's Wickedness and Call him a Christian

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On April 8, 2019

In Counseling, False Teaching

Recently I addressed in some comments this subject of who a Christian is – and who is not. As you know, we have had the tiring mantra of “we are all sinners” thrown at us as an excuse for abusers and as a club to force us to “show love and forgiveness.” We aren’t buying that line anymore. The Christian is not a sinner. We still sin, but “sinner” is no longer the title Scripture gives us. Saint, heir, child of God, beloved, holy ones – these are the terms the Bible uses.

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Abuse and the Wilderness Family Adventure

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On April 5, 2019

In Family/Children

Colossians 2:20-23 ESV If with Christ you died to the elemental spirits of the world, why, as if you were still alive in the world, do you submit to regulations– (21) “Do not handle, Do not taste, Do not touch” (22) (referring to things that all perish as they are used)–according to human precepts and teachings? (23) These have indeed an appearance of wisdom in promoting self-made religion and asceticism and severity to the body, but they are of no value in stopping the indulgence of the flesh.

It doesn’t work. The wilderness family adventure is not an answer to our troubles. My first church was in the mountains of Montana, 70 miles from a store of any significance. I loved that place. Spectacular mountains, streams, fishing and hunting like you can’t believe. Firewood and woodstoves. The first snows in November. Saddle up your horse in the yard and ride out into the woods. I loved it and I miss it. We lived there for 8 years.
But the church there was hell. Constant infighting. Mostly unsaved people who got very low marks in “plays well with others.” Abuse? Ha! In those little picturesque cabins in the woods, you wouldn’t want to know what went on in many of them. That church persists to this day. I hope that genuine Christians rule there now. I hope.

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Abusers are Accusers

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On April 1, 2019

In Abusers

Rev 12:10-11 And I heard a loud voice in heaven, saying, “Now the salvation and the power and the kingdom of our God and the authority of his Christ have come, for the accuser of our brothers has been thrown down, who accuses them day and night before our God. (11) And they have conquered him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony, for they loved not their lives even unto death.

One typical method and characteristic of the wicked is that they accuse the righteous. They know that a godly person has a sensitive conscience (often too sensitive) and the evil man uses that against us. As you can see from the Scripture above, Satan is described as “the accuser of our brothers.” Think of what he said to the Lord, for instance, about Job. Or consider the accusations of Satan’s children, the Pharisees, that they rained down upon Christ.

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Final Update on Giving for Abuse Survivor's Tax Bill – Paid in Full

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On March 30, 2019

In Blog News

Psa 68:4-5  Sing to God, sing praises to his name; lift up a song to him who rides through the deserts; his name is the LORD; exult before him!  (5)  Father of the fatherless and protector of widows is God in his holy habitation.

As of today, we have received $1602.00 in donations to cover the $1540.00 unexpected tax bill owed by an abuse survivor. We orginally posted the request on March 21st, so in only nine days the need was met in full. This is not only a huge blessing to our friend in need, it is very exciting for the rest of us as well.
Many thanks to all of you for praying and for giving. On occasion I am sure we will have opportunity to share similar requests with you all again.
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Original post: Opportunity to Help an Abuse Survivor in Need
Update on Giving for Abuse Survivor’s Tax Bill
 

Abusive Tactics: Telling Victims What to Think

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On March 29, 2019

In Abusers

1 Corinthians 2:11 For who knows a person’s thoughts except the spirit of that person, which is in him? So also no one comprehends the thoughts of God except the Spirit of God.

Pharisees claim to know out thoughts and motives better than we do.  Those of you who have done much reading about abuse know that abusers, be they domestic or spiritual or both, proclaim the ability to crawl inside the mind of their victim, see what the victim is thinking, discern what her motives are, and in addition tell her what she is to think and what her motives are to be.  Of course no one except the Lord can do this, but the abuser can be very convincing.  I remember a scene in the movie Cape Fear (not recommending it by the way) in which the evil character (Robert Di Niro) is doing this very thing to a teen-age girl.  It was very well portrayed as he diabolically analyzes and dictates her thoughts and motives to her, holding her mesmerized.

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Update on Giving for Abuse Survivor's Tax Bill

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On March 27, 2019

In Blog News

We want to thank everyone who has given to help cover the $1600 tax bill that took an abuse survivor by surprise and is due this April 15th. We have $550 in hand so far at Paypal and in local giving, and we know that others of you have sent funds via the postal mail.
So this is just an update for everyone about where we are in reaching the goal.
For anyone who didn’t see the previous post, you may mail funds to: Christ Reformation Church, 7450 Alderbrook Road, Tillamook, Oregon 97141, or you can use Paypal by sending funds to christreform@gmail.com
I will give another update in a few days.
Final Update on Giving for Abuse Survivor’s Tax Bill – Paid in Full

God's Law as Protection Against Abusers

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On March 27, 2019

In Biblical Teaching

Jesus said to her, “Go, call your husband, and come here.” (17) The woman answered him, “I have no husband.” Jesus said to her, “You are right in saying, ‘I have no husband’; (18) for you have had five husbands, and the one you now have is not your husband. What you have said is true.” John 4:16-18

Ok, this is a dangerous subject.  It’s dangerous because I run a real risk of being misunderstood, having an unmerciful and uncaring attitude toward victims of abuse.  Some readers might think that I am in company with the old school of thinking that a rape victim “brought it on herself.”  I hope that isn’t true, but then I’m not infallible.  With that said, let me just state my thesis –

“If we obey God’s Word, especially His commandments regarding sex and marriage, we go a long way in protecting ourselves from the abuser.  Conversely, when we violate God’s commandments, we make ourselves very vulnerable to the tactics and deceptions of an abusive person.”

As I read victim’s stories, with some regularity I notice that their initial relationship with the abuser broke the instructions of God’s Word about sex and marriage.  NOT always and perhaps for Christian victims, perhaps not even that frequently.  For any victims reading this article, I remind all of us of God’s forgiveness and grace in Christ for all who believe in Christ and repent of going their own way.  Christ does not intend for us to be weighed down forever by the load of our past sins and foolishness.

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Please Pray for J – Upcoming Custody Hearing – Urgent Situation

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On March 26, 2019

In Blog News

I recently spoke with the father of an abuse victim. I won’t go into details in order to maintain her anonymity, but she is still married to a very wicked abuser who is trying to take her children from her. A custody hearing is coming up soon.
J has had her oppression added to at the hands of a very well known pastor’s “counseling” and at the hands of that pastor’s church elders. You know the same old scenario – she is put out of the church while the abuser remains in good standing.
Abuse victims with children are in such a hard place, aren’t they? Dragged through the courts. Falsely accused. In constant fear that her children will be taken from her. Spurned by people who once claimed to be her friends. Her health starts to suffer from constant stress. It is remarkable to me that these women hold up at all under such hard circumstances.
This case also underscored something for me that I have seen (and no doubt most of you as well) repeatedly. Namely, that when a person experiences abuse first hand, when this evil touches THEM and things get “real,” suddenly their once comfortable view of many things comes unraveled and must be re-examined. The father of this victim told me “I used to believe like many pastors and Christians that no one should ever divorce. But this terrible experience, seeing the once joyful countenance of my little girl disappear, has forced me to change my thinking.”  Yes, our thinking changes and our eyes are forced to take another look at Scripture. We are impelled to re-consider our understanding of:

  • The gospel itself
  • Who a Christian actually is, what he or she looks like, what Christ really does in us when He saves us
  • What it means that the Lord desires mercy and not sacrifice
  • Marriage, divorce, and remarriage
  • What the real church looks like and what it does not look like
  • Forgiveness, repentance
  • The nature and tactics of evil

As I have often said to people – study the nature and tactics of the domestic abuser who is hiding behind a “christian” disguise, and you will be forced to put the truth of your theology to the test.
So let’s all please pray for J. I will give updates as I hear them. Her suffering and the suffering of her mom and dad and brothers and sisters is very great. This is going to truly require a miraculous work of the Lord for her to get free.

Shaming: A Favorite Tool of the Wicked

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On March 25, 2019

In Abusers

Domestic abusers are shamers, and we are very often far too willing to wear that shame.

Shame. Shame on you. Shame, shame, shame.
What does that word mean anyway? Permit Webster to explain:

a painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behavior. Humiliation, mortification, chagrin, embarrassment, indignity.
But the kind of shame we want to consider here is false shame. This brand is not caused by wrong or foolish behavior (which would be true shame, something that can be good), but by false thinking about our behavior, often initiated by the false accusations of a wicked person. False shame is incredibly destructive. Shame is very powerful. If it is not truth-based, big trouble looms.
I should be ashamed if I sin. That shame leads to repentance. I should be ashamed if I walk down the street naked, if I lose my temper, if I lie and so on. A lack of shame for sin is a sure sign of depravity and we see plenty of it in our culture today.

1Co 6:5 I say this to your shame. Can it be that there is no one among you wise enough to settle a dispute between the brothers,

But there are things which we need not be ashamed of. In fact, which we must not be ashamed of. For example:

Luke 9:26 For whoever is ashamed of me and of my words, of him will the Son of Man be ashamed when he comes in his glory and the glory of the Father and of the holy angels.

The wicked love to mock and shame God’s people, so it is not at all surprising that abusers (revilers as the Bible calls them) thrive on shaming their targets. False accusations. Attributing false motives. “Let me tell you why you did that. Here is what you were thinking….”. You’ve heard those words I am sure. “God is not pleased with what you did.” Yada, yada, yada.
False shame does not produce good results. It enslaves us. It leads us to false conclusions about ourselves, about the Lord and how He views us. It causes us to make bad decisions (like suppressing our true thoughts and believing the lies). “If you leave your husband, you are a bad Christian. God’s anger will be upon you. If you were really holy, you would be patient and forgiving no matter what your abuser does.” Lies. All lies. False shame.
A typical and notorious reviler, hiding in a disguise of “saintliness,” once pulled this false shaming business on me. It worked for a time because I wasn’t wise to this tactic. I had confronted a wicked, evil, vile man who was blaspheming the Lord’s name and making threats against me. It was late at night and he had phoned me. I stopped him and told him he was a wicked man and he should fear using the Lord’s name in his profanities. He then threatened me and said “I ought to just come over there and knock you senseless.” Drunks never know when to shut up, you know. I told him “You come right on over. I will meet you by the front door of the church. Let’s go at it!” He shut up and that was the end of the conversation. Never had trouble with that guy again.
Now, enter Mr. Shamer/Reviler. “Oh, pastor, I just disagree with what you did. That was wrong. As Christians we need to be kind and compassionate to people. We need to suffer persecution patiently. What you did was wrong.” Blah, blah, blah. Over the years this guy brought up these same shaming accusations several more times.  Why was he doing this? What was his motive. Power and control. Its always about power and control. He must control the pastor. He must be better and more holy than the pastor. He must appear as a holy “martyr” ready to suffer anything for the Lord. So he plays situations like this for his own self-glory.
This is wickedness. What I did was not only not sin, it was right. It would have been wrong to remain silent and not confront the man. It would have been cowardly to just “love him.”
Your abuser pulls the same kind of shaming tactics with you. Like most all of us, at first at least, you have put on his cloak of shame. It has labeled  you like that Scarlet Letter of literature. I am stupid. I am not a good Christian. I am not capable of properly seeing things. I am worthless and good for nothing.
Lies. All lies.
The fact is that I have talked with enough abuse victims over the years and listened to their stories to know this for a fact: Abuse victims, especially domestic abuse victims, particularly domestic abuse victims who are Christians, are the bravest, strongest, and most wonderful Christians I know. Enduring horrible abuse for decades, their faith still stands. They are willing to die for their children. They hope and pray that their abuser will repent and be saved (he isn’t going to, by the way). They put their trust in the Lord in the darkest times, even when everyone in their church abandons them or even puts them out. They are the last people on earth who need to be ashamed.

Domestic abusers are shamers, and we are very often far too willing to wear that shame.

 

Page 77 of 88

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