Unmasking the Domestic Abuser in the Church

Author: Jeff Crippen Page 40 of 89

He is Just the Nicest Man I’ve Ever Met — Beware the Charm of Evil

The sins of some people are conspicuous, going before them to judgment, but the sins of others appear later. So also good works are conspicuous, and even those that are not cannot remain hidden. (1 Timothy 5:24-25)

One of the important things we do here at Unholy Charade is to keep saying certain fundamentals over and over. Repetition is vital for all of us, and that is exactly what I am doing in this post.

Recently I was talking to someone who has regular contact with an abuser. I do not know the person I was speaking with well at all, but I do know the abuser through and through. This lady said to me, “Isn’t he just the nicest person you have ever met?”  I did not respond. People like this never listen anyway.

Most all of us can look back into the past and think of a time when we met a person who seemed “like the nicest person” you could ever ask for. The finest example of a Christian. We just knew it was so.

But it wasn’t.

The Apostle Paul wrote to the young pastor Timothy to be on guard. He said that there are people whose sins are right out there and easy to see. We get that part. What we don’t get hold of is the second category Paul warned of — “the sins of others appear later.” And Paul told Timothy this right after he said —

Do not be hasty in the laying on of hands, nor take part in the sins of others; keep yourself pure. (1 Timothy 5:22)

As I look back on my own life, I realize that I used to be way, way too trusting. Especially when it came to meeting people who claimed to be Christians. Oh, I understood and firmly believed that no one could be a Christian and yet live an unchanged life, habitually and characteristically walking in sin as they always had. But what I did not understand was that second category. Those evil ones whose sins “appear later.” And I certainly did not understand that there are many of these kind working their abusive quest for power and control in virtually every single local church.

As we grow in wisdom, this naivete changes. We understand that someone can appear strikingly “holy” and yet be incredibly evil. But as we grow in the Lord, we put away childish things. Childhood is a dangerous state to remain in.

So slow down. When you meet someone who seems soooo “Christian” and sooooo “warm” and “kind,” remind yourself that the verdict is still out on what they really are. Don’t let yourself get swept off your feet by someone’s charm, no matter how good it might feel to do so. If you permit yourself to be “charmed” and come under their spell, it is highly unlikely that anyone is going to be able to warn you, and you will have to learn the hard, hard way as most all of us have had to. In the same way, as time will show the genuineness of a real Christian’s heart, so, in time, the wicked deceptive person will be revealed for what they really are.

Does the Bible Teach Meritorious Suffering?

The following illustration has been used to convince abuse victims that the abuse they are suffering is God’s determined will for them, and they need to submit to it.  Divorce is out of the question –

There was a man, who was given a cross to bear through life. As he traveled he noticed that this cross was very long and it kept getting caught on stuff. He decided to cut it down a bit and make it easier to carry. After a while, it got heavy again and he decided to cut it down some more. He did this repeatedly until it was easy enough to carry. After all, it still looked like a cross. Well the day came for him to cross over to the “other side” and he was told that he needed his cross to span the great chasm between him and eternity. He laid his cross down but found it to be too short…

In other words, stay in the abuse, suffer, and you will make it to heaven.  Refuse to keep suffering and you will come up short on the day of judgment and end in hell.

There is nothing biblical about this illustration.  In fact, though a professing Protestant is telling it, this is far more Roman Catholic in its theology of suffering.  WE DO NOT SAVE OURSELVES BY OUR CROSS-BEARING.  Jesus Christ has made full atonement for every one of His people.  Following Christ in obedience, no matter how difficult, is to deny ourselves, take up our cross, and follow Him.  But WE do not pay a meritorious, suffering death on that cross.  It is the Cross of Christ by which we are saved.

Furthermore, when Christ calls us to take up our cross, He is telling us to follow HIM. Not for the purpose of carrying out supposed meritorious deeds of suffering so that we can earn our salvation, but to follow Him in obedient faith.  Every genuine Christian will most certainly do so.  Not FOR salvation, but because of salvation.  And we are following Him.  That means that if this illustration is correct, then every abuse victim must agree that the Lord Jesus Christ is leading them into that abuse and that if they depart from it by leaving and divorcing their abuser, they must necessarily leave off following Christ.

That would require any person pushing this illustration to be a prophet.  It means that they are authoritatively able to declare the Word of God to every victim of abuse – Thus saith the Lord, stay here and let this wicked man abuse you and your children.  I can only call such a person a false prophet.

Can You Change a Wolf into a Sheep by Counseling?

There are popular “ministries” out there that focus on the issue of domestic violence. They can and do provide some good help to victims, but even though they profess to be Christian and biblical in their core beliefs and methods, they are fundamentally flawed in regard to Christ and the gospel. You need to beware because groups like this can end up enabling your abuser and guilting you as the victim.

Here is a real life example of these things. It is taken from the website of one such well known group. It says that it works to educate church leaders and counselors to this end:

As a church leader, learn how to shepherd both the victim and the abuser in a way that honors God and provides safety and accountability for all involved.

Now, think this through. How is anyone going to “shepherd” a wolf? How? This statement means that the wolf is going to be regarded as a sheep. How is it that we are supposed to provide “safety” for the wolf? And what is the inevitable effect of this approach going to be for the victim of the wolf? I think you know the answer?

The Bible never tells us to shepherd a wolf! It tells us to be discerning and not be duped by a wolf in wool. We are to put such a person out from among us, not pet him and tell him “poor wolf. You just don’t understand how much God loves you and we are going to teach you so that the good in you breaks forth.”

I don’t know precisely why, but I do know that these kind of ministries gather a large following and enjoy popularity in the professing Christian world. I suppose it has to do with what Paul said to the arrogant Corinthians:

1Co 5:1-2 It is actually reported that there is sexual immorality among you, and of a kind that is not tolerated even among pagans, for a man has his father’s wife. (2) And you are arrogant! Ought you not rather to mourn? Let him who has done this be removed from among you.

This kind of unbiblical theology allows man to pat himself on the back for being soooo loving and merciful and gracious to everyone. It really fancies itself a better Christian than Christ!

Watch out then for any person or group that takes this approach to dealing with evil. Inevitably they add to the fog and confusion that abusers love to spread.

How Evil Lies

Joh 8:44 You are of your father the devil, and your will is to do your father’s desires. He was a murderer from the beginning, and does not stand in the truth, because there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks out of his own character, for he is a liar and the father of lies.

I have mentioned that I am reading William Shirer’s The Rise and Fall of the Third Reich. As Shirer describes Hitler and recounts how he came to absolute power in Germany, wreaking death and suffering upon millions and ultimately devastating the German people who believed him, I was impressed with Jesus’ words to the Pharisees. The devil is the father of lies, there is NO truth in him. If his lips are moving (he probably doesn’t have lips), he is lying.

Here is an example of this lying evil. These are the words of Hitler after he had obtained from the German legislature (the Reichstag) the “Enabling Act” which gave Hitler a four year period in which he could deviate from the constitution “for the good of the nation.” And this is what he said:

The government [Hitler promised] will make use of these powers only insofar as they are essential for carrying out vitally necessary measures. Neither the existence of the Reichstag not that of the Reichstrat is menaced. The position and rights of the President (Hindenberg) remain unaltered…The separate existence of the federal states will not be done away with. The rights of the churches will not be diminished and their relationship to the State will not be modified. The number of cases in which an internal necessity exists for having recourse to such a law is in itself a limited one.

We must understand that evil, wicked servants of the devil, can stand up before an audience, look right at them, and most “sincerely”…..LIE. We fail to recognize this because we cannot conceive of ourselves doing such a thing. But Hitler was not us. Hitler was a psychopath, a devil, a servant of Satan in the garb of a son of righteousness. A wolf in wool.

This is why the Apostle John warns us:

1Jn 4:1 Beloved, do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits to see whether they are from God, for many false prophets have gone out into the world.

How do you test the spirits? How do you tell if someone is a child of God or a child of the devil, a speaker of truth or a liar of lies? For one thing, you just stop for a minute and cease looking at things as they appear on the outside. You stop quickly accepting their claim to be of Christ. You take some time to examine the fruit of the person’s life. You compare what they are saying with God’s Word. You ask the Lord to show you. You admit that MANY such liars exist, and that these liars which we most often deal with are to be found in the ranks of visible Christianity.

Act 20:29-30 I know that after my departure fierce wolves will come in among you, not sparing the flock; (30) and from among your own selves will arise men speaking twisted things, to draw away the disciples after them.

How many pastors and church elders really believe this? When a victim of domestic abuse, for example, comes to them for help – how many truly acknowledge that evil can look like an angel of light? That an evil man or woman can appear to be soooo godly? That is is very possible for a wicked child of the devil to, without conscience, look right at them and lie? It would appear that not many church leaders believe these things.

So if you do not want to end up being a dupe of the devil, used by him in his wickedness, admit that you need to wise up. Admit that you need God’s wisdom…and start asking for it.

A Fresh Look at Evil and an Open Call to all who Teach on Marriage – Ephesians 6

Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places. (Ephesians 6:10-12)

Most Christians think that they understand the Apostle Paul’s words here in these familiar verses from his letter to the Ephesians. The Christian armor. The devil, and so on. I am writing this post for two reasons, 1) to demonstrate that in fact most Christians, pastors, teachers, authors, and counselors in fact have a very, very minimal or even non-existent notion of what Paul is speaking of here, and 2) to encourage us all to take a fresh and deeper look at the nature of our enemy.

Let’s begin with the second point first.

Recently I watched a superhero movie — Dr. Strange. I liked it. Oh of course the worldview and theology in it was total fantasy, as it was meant to be. But there were some thought-provoking lines in it. One was when Dr. Stephen Strange went to Katmandu (you always find ultimate truth in some Buddhist monastery type place, right?) in search of a way to heal his injured hands. He connected with “the ancient one” – a bald lady named “the ancient one” – and she introduced him to regions beyond. He was told to “forget everything he knew.”

Now, of course this kind of mind-emptying eastern mystical stuff is completely foreign and even opposed to the truth of God’s Word. We don’t empty our minds to know Christ, but He does give us a new one. And in some ways you might say that a Christian has to “forget everything he knew” in order to know Christ. You see this for example in 1 Corinthians where the wisdom of God is contrasted with the wisdom of man.

Most Christians think that they know about evil. They might even be able to quote from Ephesians 6 word for word. But what I am trying to emphasize here is that we simply do not understand our enemy or his tactics until we get firmly hold on what Paul is saying here. We think we know. But we do not.

Think about it.

Paul says pointedly, for we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against rulers/authorities/cosmic powers over this present darkness/spiritual forces of evil in heavenly places. Flesh and blood we know. Touch it, feel it, see it, smell it. It’s people. But non-flesh and blood, ah, that is a different story. Let me put this question to you pointedly and I hope that it serves to greatly humble all of us, especially if you are someone who has been preaching or teaching or writing books about marriage. The question is this:

Really, just how much do you know about rulers, authorities, cosmic powers, this present darkness, spiritual forces of evil in heavenly places? How much? Be honest. If you are a “teacher of Israel” as Jesus admonished Nicodemus, and you do not know much at all about such things, how can you venture to teach others?

Let me ask you still another question:

What if, just what if, there is a realm of darkness in this creation, operating its destruction, lying, deceiving, enslaving, that you really know hardly anything about? What if what you have been taught about evil is woefully lacking? What if you are wrong, in other words, about the enemy of our souls? And yet you are presuming to teach the church.

Now, I can hear many saying at this point, “I know quite a lot about evil and our enemy. I have my Bible. I know what it says.” Do you? Do you really? Do you truly know (to repeat) rulers, authorities, cosmic powers, this present darkness, and spiritual forces of evil? I am not speaking of knowing a list of facts. I am asking you if you have a true, working, experiential knowledge taught to you by the Spirit of God through the Word of God and through hard experience in this warfare. Let me answer for you. You do not. Unless you have personally been “touched” by these spiritual forces of evil right down where you live, you simply are ignorant of its nature and its tactics.

Humble admission of this ignorance is the starting point for growing wise in these matters. Arrogant insistence that you know is only a guarantee that you will remain ignorant and continue to be an ally of the enemy.
Do not grow defensive as these things are put to you. Those of you who have been preaching to others or writing books on marriage will make your greatest mistake if, when you are critiqued and your errors are pointed out, you react by circling your wagons and refusing to listen to the people who do know this evil. We at Unholy Charade see this ALL the time. I don’t know if we have ever had a well-known author or pastor humble themselves, acknowledge their need to learn, and ask for help. Rather it has been circle the wagons and fire back. The problem is, they end up firing back at the victims of evil, not at the evil itself.

Here is one more line I took from the Dr. Strange movie that really is particularly good. Dr. Strange was a well-known and famous surgeon, but he was very arrogant. The Ancient One (remember, don’t take your theology from the movies!) told him that there was one fundamental truth that he absolutely had to learn. Here it is:

It’s not about you!

And yet typically when we try to point out the errors  of the preachers, notable teachers and authors, when we try to steer them to solid facts about the nature and tactics of evil, they react as if it is all about them. “How dare you criticize my book. Don’t you know how many copies have sold? I just don’t understand how you can be so mean to me.”  It’s all about them, you see.  But it isn’t all about them. It is all about God’s truth in Christ, about exposing the evil of this present darkness, and about setting the captives free.

The Lord has taught myself and all the host of our readers some hard, hard lessons that most of the time took decades for us to finally get. [And I still fall prey to the enemy at times. I haven’t fully learned yet]. We have all been touched (some more, some less) by this devilish evil we call abuse. It came into our lives intimately, personally, in the form of evil people whose lust for power and control knew no bounds. Sometimes that evil stood in a pulpit, sat on a church board, served as a missionary, headed up a para-church ministry, shared the same bed in a “Christian” marriage, or some other “angel of light” disguise. But it all came down the road of our life. “Something Wicked this Way Comes” as the Disney movie title puts it. It came our way. Lying, deceiving, confusing, destroying. Until the Lord in His grace by His Spirit began to lift that confusing fog and we were enabled to see it for what it really is.

This teaching was not our doing. It was the Lord’s work in us. We wrote books. We started this blog. We interact with abuse survivors and victims and sometimes with abusers. And you know the remarkable thing that we saw right at the start and which we still see virtually every single day? We see victims thanking us, telling us things like “you saved my life,” or “your books tell the very story of my life of abuse.”  NEVER have we had an abuse victims tell us that what we have written and taught harmed them, enabled their abuser, and held them in bondage longer. Never. Why? Because the Lord taught us personally through hard, hard years of abuser attacks what the nature of this evil and our enemy is. We have shared in the same evil our fellow-survivors have.

In contrast (and we say this humbly, not arrogantly nor vengefully), when we critique a book on marriage, for example, and our readers comment on our critique and tell their stories about how that book or other ministry hurt and harmed and endangered them, it is VITAL that the authors listen to them. Vital! Here are the people taught by the Lord in the fire, people intimately acquainted with evil, telling the authors or pastors or Christian counselors — “no, you don’t know. You don’t understand. Listen to me and I can tell you how your teachings are enabling evil because you do not truly know it” — and what is happening most every time? The “authorities” refuse to listen. They are dismissive toward them. They act with an air of superiority. And if the victims persist in trying to speak out, the “teachers” become angry. Some even start playing the victim. “Oh, I just cannot understand why all of this negativity is being directed at me.”

And so here is still another call to such “teachers of the church.” Admit that your real knowledge of evil is very, very limited. Confess that yes, when you wrote your book or taught your seminar or preached your sermon series, you had absolutely no inkling about this thing called abuse. You did not even conceive of such an evil person existing, let alone in the church. And most of you still don’t. And many of the “most” don’t want to know.

How can anyone possibly write a Christian marriage book, or really any Christian book at all, while remaining ignorant of the nature and tactics of evil? Consider one more time at least the titles Paul gives these “principalities and powers” in Ephesians 6 and confess to the Lord that there are very likely many truths about this evil that are entirely outside your realm of experience. Listen. Listen to the voices of the victims who are very ready and willing to help open your eyes, if you will simply step down from your high horse and listen.

New Light for Dark Times Site Launched – We are working on a couple of glitches.

If you go to the blog at lightfordarktimes.com and get a page not found message, don’t fret. My pro tech son who did a huge amount of work on it is fine tuning it. He will get it touched up. Thanks Kenny!!

Our Facebook and Youtube channels have a new name: Light for Dark Times

I wanted to let you know that I will still be teaching the two mid-week Bible studies (John, Wednesdays 7AM, and Revelation (Thursdays 7AM) as well as delivering a sermon online Sundays at 11AM. And you need to be aware that the titles for the sites have changed to Light for Dark Times (youtube and facebook). The sermonaudio.com/crc site is still the active Sermon Audio site where sermons and Bible studies are posted there.

I noticed that the new title doesn’t always come up right away in a search at youtube and facebook, so here are the links. (I did find that if you search with my name at those sites they will come up).

Facebook page: Light for Dark Times

Youtube page: Light for Dark Times

The two blogs will retain the same names: Unholy Charade at https://unholycharade.com

and –

Light for Dark Times at http://lightfordarktimes.com

More Thoughts on How Evil Isolates in order to Control

Look carefully at this quote taken from William Shirer’s great book, The Rise and Fall of the Third Reich –

The President, backed by the Army and the conservatives, had made him [ie, Hitler] Chancellor. His political power, though great, was, however, not complete. It was shared with these three sources of authority, which had put him into office and which were outside and, to some extent, distrustful of the National Socialist movement. Hitler’s immediate task, therefore, was to quickly eliminate them from the driver’s seat, make his party the exclusive master of the State and then with the power of an authoritarian government and its police carry out the Nazi revolution.

He had been in office scarcely twenty-four hours when he made his first decisive move, springing a trap on his gullible conservative “captors” and setting in motion a chain of events which he either originated or controlled and which at the end of six months would bring the complete Nazification of Germany and his own elevation to dictator of the Reich, unified and defederalized for the first time in German history.

Shirer, William L.. The Rise and Fall of the Third Reich (p. 272). RosettaBooks. Kindle Edition.

Evil people crave power and control. They want to be God. And to achieve that power and control they most typically work to remove all competition. When their target is a person, whom they groom and deceive, they eliminate threats to their control by isolating their targeted victim. This can be done in a variety of ways:

  • Physically relocate to a place far distant from friends and family
  • Limit the victim’s access to resources such as finances
  • Sabotage the victim’s career

But a very typical and perhaps even the most common method of removing the competition to control over the victim is to alienate friends, family, employers, church members, children…from the victim. Most people are so gullible to the tactics of evil that this alination really isn’t that difficult for the abuser to pull off. A comment here. A nuance there. This piece of slander. Lies –

Pro 6:12-13 A worthless person, a wicked man, goes about with crooked speech, (13) winks with his eyes, signals with his feet, points with his finger,

That is exactly what Adolph Hitler did and it is precisely what wicked abusers do today. Whenever you see someone who flatters you at the same time working to alienate you from others who have been your friends and support – look out! And you have to really be on guard and think carefully because this kind of thing can sneak up on you so deceptively. You think you have found the best friend ever! But the day will come when the trap will spring, the fangs will come out and you will be all alone under the wicked one’s power. The German people found that out the hard way.

The Tentative Love of Counterfeit Brethren

One of the qualities of counterfeit “brethren” is that you always sense their relationship/friendship/love they claim for  us is tentative. You may not really be able to verbalize it right away, but you feel it. There is always an “if.” If you say the wrong thing…then. If you do something….then. All of this is of course very characteristic of a domestic abuser/sociopath.

But these fakes often creep into the church posing a Christians. I know that over all these years the “if” has always been hanging there like a club. And I wasn’t imagining it because inevitably the “then” on their part kicks in. They hate. They abandon. They revile and slander. Seemingly overnight.

But where there is the real article, there is no “if.” We love one another. We forgive one another. We forbear with one another.

Eph 4:31-32 Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. (32) Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.

A Powerful Poster that will Inspire You – Isaiah 54:17

Our friends the Austins at graphicspaces.com created this poster for me. We have it on the wall now at Christ Reformation Church where it is a great reminder of this certain promise of God. You can order one (free shipping) from them at –

https://www.graphicspaces.com/pages/our-story-history

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