Unholy Charade - Jeff Crippen

Unmasking the Domestic Abuser in the Church

Author: Jeff Crippen Page 38 of 88

Lord, Do Not Forgive Them, For They Know Exactly What They Are Doing

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On February 23, 2022

In Abusers, Biblical Teaching

Nehemiah 4:1-5   Now when Sanballat heard that we were building the wall, he was angry and greatly enraged, and he jeered at the Jews. And he said in the presence of his brothers and of the army of Samaria, “What are these feeble Jews doing? Will they restore it for themselves? Will they sacrifice? Will they finish up in a day? Will they revive the stones out of the heaps of rubbish, and burned ones at that?”  Tobiah the Ammonite was beside him, and he said, “Yes, what they are building–if a fox goes up on it he will break down their stone wall!” Hear, O our God, for we are despised. Turn back their taunt on their own heads and give them up to be plundered in a land where they are captives. Do not cover their guilt, and let not their sin be blotted out from your sight, for they have provoked you to anger in the presence of the builders.

Christ prayed from the cross that His Father might forgive those who crucified Him.  That was probably a pretty good sized crowd, by the way.  All the mockers and  scorners there.  Later on the Day of Pentecost, Peter would tell the crowd that they crucified Christ by the hands of wicked men.  And then it was from that crowd that some 3,000 were saved.  I suspect this would not have happened had not Christ prayed for His elect from the cross. He prayed for them — for they know not what they do.  Similarly, Paul told Timothy that the Lord showed him mercy because he acted ignorantly in unbelief when he persecuted Christ’s church.

But here in Nehemiah 4, another godly man is being jeered and persecuted by wicked men.  And he prays for them as well.  Only his prayer is much different – Return their reproach on their own heads…give them up for plunder…do not forgive their iniquity and let not their sin be blotted out before You….  What is this all about?  Maybe Nehemiah was being too human and thus unkind and unforgiving?

No.

Nehemiah’s prayer was a good and righteous prayer.  The context makes that clear.  When wicked, evil people set out to destroy the work of the Lord, and they do so knowing full well that it is the work of the Lord, it is right to pray that the Lord judge them.  Nehemiah’s prayer was just like the many imprecatory Psalms that are prayers calling upon the Lord to destroy His enemies.  And I would maintain that victims of abusers have every right before God to pray these very kinds of prayers when they feel moved to do so.  We should ALL be praying these kinds of prayers regularly.  Let’s face up to it — evil people abound within our churches.  They hide behind their facades while they carry out their wickedness unseen.  Sexual abusers of children.  Abusers of their spouses.  Power and control hungry Diotrephes types looking to lure the whole flock into following them.  The Word of God has some pretty rough words for these kind:

Jude 1:12-13,” These are hidden reefs at your love feasts, as they feast with you without fear, shepherds feeding themselves; waterless clouds, swept along by winds; fruitless trees in late autumn, twice dead, uprooted; (13) wild waves of the sea, casting up the foam of their own shame; wandering stars, for whom the gloom of utter darkness has been reserved forever.”

There are people who are worse than your average sinner.  Without conscience.  Charming.  And very dangerous to our souls.

So why is it not quite appropriate then for all of us, including pastors in their pastoral prayers in the worship service, to be praying — “Lord, do not forgive such people who lurk about as hidden reefs in the fellowship of Your people.  Rise up, O Lord!  Expose them and bring them to nothing.  Bring their evil down upon their own heads and give us the wisdom to recognize it when You do so.”?  We should all pray for our churches that the Light of the world would bring hidden things to light.

We sing “Shine, Jesus, Shine!”  Do we really understand the implications of that prayer?  When the Light of Christ shines among us, it has a way of turning things upside down.

Slapping you with The Gossip Card

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On February 16, 2022

In Abusers

Eph 5:11 Take no part in the unfruitful works of darkness, but instead expose them.

Many years ago not long after I came to this church as a pastor, a man (who we finally realized years later was a reviler, as the bible terms such a person), accused me of gossiping when I was explaining to him (he was on the church board) about some of the evil I was seeing and experiencing in the church. Right in the middle of my sentence, he said (these kinds of people don’t even have to stop and think, the reviling just spills out of them)…he said “I don’t think it is right for you to be telling me these things.”

Evil hates exposure. And we are to expose it. Think for example of the OT prophets and their preaching. If we removed all words from their sermons about the sins in the midst of the Israelites, there would hardly be anything left. Or think of the Apostle Paul telling Timothy to beware of Alexander the coppersmith, or of the Apostle John warning the church about Diotrephes, who “loves to be first.” This is not gossip. The words were truth and they were spoken for good motive – to expose evil.

Most all abusers and the churches and other allies who take their side, want to silence anyone who brings their evil into the light. And one favorite weapon they use is that gossip card. Never mind the evil – you become the target and must be silenced.

I have had victims tell me that their abuser spouse would say things like “what goes on in this house stays in this house. You are never to speak to anyone about our marriage or family or home.” How convenient – for the wicked one. The great sin is not the sin, it is YOU if you talk about it.

The wicked are very, very adept at effecting this blame shift so that very quickly, no one is even thinking about the evil the victim exposed. They are only concerned to prosecute and convict the victim who “gossiped.”

Do…not…talk.

Love Gone Wrong – Thoughts for Valentines Day

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On February 14, 2022

In Abusers, False Teaching, Family/Children

Love gone wrong

One of our friends recently came across this Valentine she made as a second grader. She has been the target of several evil abusers in her life (now free and wise, thankfully), and she reflected on what this heart-filled creation says about her concept of love back then. She commented:

That innocent child valentine craft is a picture of what was going to happen to me during my life…here comes the enemy in disguise as the finest Christian saint to dupe me into marriage and bondage and abuse….The false gospel of ‘must love everyone’ was well at work on me as a child. It is shocking for me to see this now.

I suppose that a large part of this distortion of love concerns this issue of the “heart.” Valentines. Hearts. Heart-shaped candies. Heart-shaped cakes and cards and all other sorts of cardio shapes. But these ideas focus on emotions and feelings, leaving out another very crucial element of love:

1Jn 2:4-5 Whoever says “I know him” but does not keep his commandments is a liar, and the truth is not in him, (5) but whoever keeps his word, in him truly the love of God is perfected. By this we may know that we are in him:

Love, as you see here, is far more than emotion. To love someone is to ACT with love toward them. It is to be selfless and giving. Anyone who claims to love God, for instance, but who refuses to obey Him is a liar. That is not love.

This is what Jesus meant when He said that we will know them by their fruits. Words are cheap. Valentine cards are cheap. But what is a person’s attitude and behavior toward us – there is the tell-tale fruit. Is it rotten or healthy? Unfortunately most children are never taught these vital truths, and grow up having to suffer as a result.

Anger Management is Not the Answer

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On February 9, 2022

In Abusers

A reader recently wrote and said that her ex, and abusive man for over two decades, insists that his only problem is anger.  He claims to be a Christian and is verbally repentant about his anger.  The only problem is that in the same breath that he “confesses” his anger, he lays blame upon her for leaving him.  She can fully expect him to continue his other various abusive tactics as he has opportunity.  Nothing has changed.

Those of you who have read Bancroft know that anger is not the abuser’s real issue, and therefore anger management strategies are like water off a duck’s back.  In fact, they can even give an abuser another excuse — his anger, and whatever it is that supposedly made him an angry man. (or woman).

When we are dealing with a person who battles with anger, it is possible that we are dealing with a Christian.  It is a question of sanctification.  We will still expect to see improvement and genuine repentance however, and if that repentance is absent then the individual is not a Christian no matter how loudly he insists that he is. We who abide in Christ the vine will bear fruit and that fruitbearing continues and even increases as the Father prunes us.

But when we are dealing with an abuser, we are dealing with issues of justification. That is to say, salvation.  A person who is convinced that they are entitled to power and control over others and who has no regret about using whatever means he deems necessary to obtain that control, is simply not a regenerate individual.  It cannot be.  Just read through I John and you will understand why.

I mistakenly dealt with a person once from the assumption that he was a Christian who just needed help in his sanctification to over come his abusive ways.  And I dealt with him for — I am ashamed to say it — years.  Yep, it took Jeff that long to get a clue.  But I finally did.  The reason nothing changed is because there was no repentance.  And where there is no repentance, there is no Christian.

But He has Changed!

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On February 7, 2022

In Counseling, Supporting Victims

Luk 3:7-8 He said therefore to the crowds that came out to be baptized by him, “You brood of vipers! Who warned you to flee from the wrath to come? (8) Bear fruits in keeping with repentance. And do not begin to say to yourselves, ‘We have Abraham as our father.’ For I tell you, God is able from these stones to raise up children for Abraham.

With some regularity I hear from domestic abuse victims that they believe their abuser has changed – for the good. Most Christians today it seems do not like it when I tell them “abusers never change.” Not the kind of abusers we talk about here – those who lie in wait in disguise in churches, pulpits – who have no conscience, who lust for power and control. They do not change, they are not changed, because they don’t repent of their evil.

I was looking at the reviews of my book on Amazon recently and saw a “one-star” reviewer say, “This book allows no hope for God to work in a repentive heart. Not a single chapter acknowledged anyone who has truly repented to the Father and their spouse…As a pastor, implying to readers God doesn’t work in repentive hearts is not biblical.”

Well, God does indeed hear the prayer of a believing and repentant person and I have never taught otherwise. But this reviewer is coming from a false premise – that we need to expect God to work in the abuser’s heart and cling to the hope that he will one day repent. Such a hope, I maintain, will lead to continued bondage to the wicked and necessarily causes us to make bad decisions.

This reviewer also made this statement that really reveals his mind: “If you are hoping and praying for a better understanding of yourself and looking to create a better version of yourself, this book tries to convince you that change is impossible.” Well, just who is the “you” he is speaking of? It is the abuser. The abuser, he insists, can want to create a better version of himself and understand himself better. And therein is the lie. Abusers do not desire to understand themselves – because that would mean wanting to know their sin. But abusers are never wrong, never guilty. They are quite sure that they know themselves and their victim. Further, no sinner can ever “create a better version of himself.” That is not the gospel of Christ. Change must come from above. We must be born again.

I also heard recently of an abuse victim who is rejoicing because her abuser is evidencing such wonderful change. He has found a program to enroll in that is just enabling him to be transformed, she says. And “she says,” – why? Because “he says.” He says he has changed.

But the thing is a false hope. Wicked, conscienceless, “christian” hypocrites – these wolves in wool, will do most anything possible to ensure that their target remains under their power. If that requires enrolling in a program whose steps promise reformation, many will gladly do so. They will “get counseling” although before the program or the counseling are over, they will have won the director and counselor over to their side!

There IS hope for us in Christ. But “us” does not include the wicked who refuse to bow to the Lord and turn from their evil. To think otherwise is to remain enslaved to the enemy’s lies.

Abusers Expose Themselves: Some Early Warning Signs to Watch for

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On February 2, 2022

In Abusers

This post is written mostly from personal experience. It addresses a topic that generally leads me to start talking to myself:  “Jeff, how could you have been so stupid? Why didn’t you realize what that person was a long, long time ago?” You know that kind of self-talk I bet. But I think that we should also lighten up on ourselves quite a lot. The fact is that by its very nature, evil is extremely deceptive, especially when it is parading under the guise of “Christian.” The fact is that you usually have to learn the hard way. But we would all admit that if we had listened to God’s Word more closely and seriously, we would have been tipped off earlier.  At least in part.
Well, how can you spot an abuser early on? Here are some warning signs that are frequently missed and yet they are very, very typical:

  1. Telling you what you are thinking, what you were thinking, or what your motive was/is. And normally the thought or motive identified is not a good one! “You did that because you were angry at her.” “You totally ignored that person when they were trying to get your attention.” “You said that the reason you did such and such was ________, but I know that you really did it because _________.”  Reject this kind of thing. “You cannot read my mind and you do not know the motives of my heart. Do not make those kind of accusations to me again. I will not permit you to do so.”
  2. Offering to “help” you with certain personal character flaws that they claim to see in you. “We would be a really good team. I know that I would help balance you out.” Reject this as well. “So, you are saying that your motive for wanting to be on the team is focused specifically at me and your mission will be to fix me? That is a faulty motive. You are not a good fit for our team.”
  3. Evidencing controlling behaviors and words, often when no one else in your life says or does the things this person does. “I see that you are going to _________. I don’t like that idea. It is a mistake.”  Now, healthy and safe people can indeed say such a thing to us, but the abuser/narcissist will do so in a rather animated way, becoming more animated as he goes on speaking. “I believe that this is the right way, the biblical way, and you need to do it like this.” And you find yourself thinking or feeling, “this guy’s animation and zeal for such a minor point is just plain weird.”  In Christian circles, such a person will even tack on God’s name and supposed authority to his own position.  “Do it my way or God will judge you.”
  4. Changing and altering history. You are quite sure that you heard him say or saw him do something, but even a very short time later when you bring it up, he not only denies it but acts as if he has absolutely no memory of the event ever happening.
  5. Blame-shifting. Abusers, you remember, are never wrong. They will make you feel, the longer you are around them, that you are always the guilty one. After a time if you try to recall an incident in which they honestly admitted fault, your list will be very short if not non-existent.
  6. Criticizing you in front of other people, thus working to gain them as allies on his side and plant doubt about you in their minds.
  7. Often reminding you of past incidents in which they have already accused you of having sinned or being wrong. I have personally had wicked people do this very thing, claiming that they clearly remembered something that allegedly happened 15 years before, based on the very barest of evidence. The fact is that they actually invent these incidents and in reality, they never happened at all. But abusers are very, very good at feigning absolute sincerity and thus making you think that they must be right.  They aren’t.
  8. Playing the victim. They will hear a sound, biblical sermon series or lesson and they will walk away having twisted it into applying to YOU, not to them, when in fact the Scripture very obviously exposes their own sin.  They will attack and revile, and when you call them on it they will instantly feign being “hurt” and morph into the victim role.
  9. If they are a man, they will often evidence a mentality that men are inherently superior to women. This attitude will often come across as supposed “humor,” but we must reject it as not being funny at all. At other times, if the abuser is a professing Christian, watch for warped views on roles in marriage.
  10. A too-good-to-be-true image, especially in Christian circles. The perfect, biblical marriage. Perfect obedient children. Nobody is perfect, and those who appear to be are suspect.

The list goes on, but these are all signs that I have seen in abusers very early on in my acquaintance with them. I just didn’t have the wisdom to realize what these indicators were telling me. I found out the hard way.
I am wiser now. I hope you all are too.

If A Victim Divorces Her Abuser, She is Going to Hell – Really?

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On January 31, 2022

In Churches/Church Response

Does that headline sound like a National Enquirer exaggeration?  I wish it were.  I want to give you a summary here of “loving Christian counsel” that was recently given to a victim of 25 years of abuse.  Intense, evil, destructive abuse directed against her and against her children.  It is ongoing.   She has decided to separate.  And this is what her Christian “friends” are telling her.  I will only summarize the points so as, alas, to protect the guilty (but I’m not sure why):

  1. John MacArthur and other prominent pastor/teachers say that God only allows divorce for adultery.  (Actually, this individual misrepresents MacArthur, as MacArthur also allows divorce for literal desertion).  But, no divorce for abuse of any kind.
  2. If you divorce your husband, it will have terrible consequences on your children.
  3. Your children are indeed being hurt now, but this is part of the suffering that Jesus has called you to.
  4. Our purpose as Christians is to suffer, to be crushed, to be brought to nothing.
  5. God has put you (the victim) in this place of abuse so that you can suffer for Him.  It is your “crown” to endure.
  6. If you drop your cross at Christ’s feet and tell Him it is too hard, you will end in hell.
  7. You have a beautiful family and you need to stay there and preserve it.

I will leave the commenting to all of you.  Maybe you could address, in your comments, just how this kind of terrible spiritual abuse could actually lead a suffering victim to kill herself.  Is this person’s God the God of the Bible?  Tell me what you think.
NOTE:  There used to be an excellent related article by Steven Tracy entitled “Domestic Violence in the Church and Redemptive Suffering in 1 Peter”. 

Honor is not about Deserving – Really?

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On January 26, 2022

In Abusers, Spiritual Abuse, Supporting Victims

Recently a young woman whose father was a very wicked and counterfeit “Christian” pastor, posted on social media that she grew up under this evil and that she works to expose such creeps (my word) when she can.

Of course, your so typical holiest-of-all-saints comes along and drops this bomb on her:

Honor is not about deserving it, it’s about loving Christ enough to honor our parents even when they don’t deserve it. I am praying for you to remain soft-hearted in this hard place.

I doubt that this guy will ever see this post, but just in case he does, let me give him some words of counsel – close your mouth. Stop talking. You are not wise about evil, you are twisting the Bible, and you are perpetuating this evil man’s wickedness upon his victim. Of course, this kind of person will never listen – they just write us off as being judgmental, harsh, and well, simply not christian enough.

But let’s consider someone who we can be pretty sure is a model of Christianity we can trust and follow. He said:

Mat 10:34-37 “Do not think that I have come to bring peace to the earth. I have not come to bring peace, but a sword. (35) For I have come to set a man against his father, and a daughter against her mother, and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law. (36) And a person’s enemies will be those of his own household. (37) Whoever loves father or mother more than me is not worthy of me, and whoever loves son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me.

There is soooo much wrong and cruel to this business of “God commands us to honor people even if they don’t deserve it, and if you don’t it is because you are hard-hearted.” What does the Bible mean by “honor”? Does it mean covering up a wicked father’s evil? Does it mean continuing in relationship with him? Does it mean enabling him to target more victims? Of course not.

I like to take these kinds of terrible statements right back to God. Who does God honor? That is to say, how does God relate to and regard a wicked man who abuses others and wears a saintly disguise? We don’t have to wonder:

Mat 23:27-28 “Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you are like whitewashed tombs, which outwardly appear beautiful, but within are full of dead people’s bones and all uncleanness. (28) So you also outwardly appear righteous to others, but within you are full of hypocrisy and lawlessness.

Honestly, we are surrounded by so many “christians” who actually think the Christ was not very Christian. He really blew it, you know, when He talked like this to these religious leaders who surely He should have “honored,” right? And then there was that whole whip and turning over tables incident.

These kind of people who expound this “honor everyone even if they don’t deserve it and if you don’t you are guilty before God” – nonsense, are a dime a dozen in the churches today. And guess what? When it comes down to someone being oppressed by an evil person who parades as a Christian, this kind of fellow will be the first to cast a stone on the victim. Beware of this kind. They have and will do you much harm.

He is Just the Nicest Man I’ve Ever Met — Beware the Charm of Evil

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On January 24, 2022

In Abusers

The sins of some people are conspicuous, going before them to judgment, but the sins of others appear later. So also good works are conspicuous, and even those that are not cannot remain hidden. (1 Timothy 5:24-25)

One of the important things we do here at Unholy Charade is to keep saying certain fundamentals over and over. Repetition is vital for all of us, and that is exactly what I am doing in this post.

Recently I was talking to someone who has regular contact with an abuser. I do not know the person I was speaking with well at all, but I do know the abuser through and through. This lady said to me, “Isn’t he just the nicest person you have ever met?”  I did not respond. People like this never listen anyway.

Most all of us can look back into the past and think of a time when we met a person who seemed “like the nicest person” you could ever ask for. The finest example of a Christian. We just knew it was so.

But it wasn’t.

The Apostle Paul wrote to the young pastor Timothy to be on guard. He said that there are people whose sins are right out there and easy to see. We get that part. What we don’t get hold of is the second category Paul warned of — “the sins of others appear later.” And Paul told Timothy this right after he said —

Do not be hasty in the laying on of hands, nor take part in the sins of others; keep yourself pure. (1 Timothy 5:22)

As I look back on my own life, I realize that I used to be way, way too trusting. Especially when it came to meeting people who claimed to be Christians. Oh, I understood and firmly believed that no one could be a Christian and yet live an unchanged life, habitually and characteristically walking in sin as they always had. But what I did not understand was that second category. Those evil ones whose sins “appear later.” And I certainly did not understand that there are many of these kind working their abusive quest for power and control in virtually every single local church.

As we grow in wisdom, this naivete changes. We understand that someone can appear strikingly “holy” and yet be incredibly evil. But as we grow in the Lord, we put away childish things. Childhood is a dangerous state to remain in.

So slow down. When you meet someone who seems soooo “Christian” and sooooo “warm” and “kind,” remind yourself that the verdict is still out on what they really are. Don’t let yourself get swept off your feet by someone’s charm, no matter how good it might feel to do so. If you permit yourself to be “charmed” and come under their spell, it is highly unlikely that anyone is going to be able to warn you, and you will have to learn the hard, hard way as most all of us have had to. In the same way, as time will show the genuineness of a real Christian’s heart, so, in time, the wicked deceptive person will be revealed for what they really are.

Does the Bible Teach Meritorious Suffering?

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On January 19, 2022

In Churches/Church Response

The following illustration has been used to convince abuse victims that the abuse they are suffering is God’s determined will for them, and they need to submit to it.  Divorce is out of the question –

There was a man, who was given a cross to bear through life. As he traveled he noticed that this cross was very long and it kept getting caught on stuff. He decided to cut it down a bit and make it easier to carry. After a while, it got heavy again and he decided to cut it down some more. He did this repeatedly until it was easy enough to carry. After all, it still looked like a cross. Well the day came for him to cross over to the “other side” and he was told that he needed his cross to span the great chasm between him and eternity. He laid his cross down but found it to be too short…

In other words, stay in the abuse, suffer, and you will make it to heaven.  Refuse to keep suffering and you will come up short on the day of judgment and end in hell.

There is nothing biblical about this illustration.  In fact, though a professing Protestant is telling it, this is far more Roman Catholic in its theology of suffering.  WE DO NOT SAVE OURSELVES BY OUR CROSS-BEARING.  Jesus Christ has made full atonement for every one of His people.  Following Christ in obedience, no matter how difficult, is to deny ourselves, take up our cross, and follow Him.  But WE do not pay a meritorious, suffering death on that cross.  It is the Cross of Christ by which we are saved.

Furthermore, when Christ calls us to take up our cross, He is telling us to follow HIM. Not for the purpose of carrying out supposed meritorious deeds of suffering so that we can earn our salvation, but to follow Him in obedient faith.  Every genuine Christian will most certainly do so.  Not FOR salvation, but because of salvation.  And we are following Him.  That means that if this illustration is correct, then every abuse victim must agree that the Lord Jesus Christ is leading them into that abuse and that if they depart from it by leaving and divorcing their abuser, they must necessarily leave off following Christ.

That would require any person pushing this illustration to be a prophet.  It means that they are authoritatively able to declare the Word of God to every victim of abuse – Thus saith the Lord, stay here and let this wicked man abuse you and your children.  I can only call such a person a false prophet.

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