Unholy Charade - Jeff Crippen

Unmasking the Domestic Abuser in the Church

Author: Jeff Crippen Page 38 of 88

A Very Helpful Video (only 12 minutes) on the Covert Narcissist

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On March 9, 2022

In Abusers

I have found Dr. Les Carter’s youtube videos extremely helpful. I have not seen anywhere so far in which he professes to be a Christian but nevertheless I have benefitted quite a lot from his lectures.

As you will hear in this video (link below), some narcissists are very overt and “out there” in their arrogant, self-absorbed narc behavior. But others, and for the most part these are the kind we face in churches and other Christian circles, are termed “covert narcissists.” That is the kind Dr. Carter talks about here. So give it a listen – most of you will probably recognize your abuser in this description:

Detecting Covert Narcissism

Abusers, Narcissists, and Their Sort all Wear a Disguise

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On March 7, 2022

In Abusers, Evil

Joh 8:44 You are of your father the devil, and your will is to do your father’s desires. He was a murderer from the beginning, and does not stand in the truth, because there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks out of his own character, for he is a liar and the father of lies.

Because the wicked are of their father the devil, just as Jesus told the Pharisees (white-washed tombs), they necessarily wear a disguise. In Christian and religious circles, their disguise is some kind of “holiness.” In the secular realm it can be a sort of morality or intellectual acuity – but in every case the disguise has the purpose of 1) gaining acclaim, and 2) hiding the real person. The dead men’s bones Jesus spoke of.

Now, what I wanted to point out here is just one aspect of these hypocrites and the masks they wear. Namely, when the mask slips, as it inevitably does in unguarded moments, or when someone sees through the disguise, this kind of person is going to lash out in cruelty, hatred, revenge-seeking, and other such assaults toward the person who dared expose them.

This, you see, is why the “christian” naricissist/abuser threatens his target with all sorts of harm if she ever dares to reveal the truth. “Don’t ever speak about what goes on in this home” – and that sort of thing.

There are other kinds of hypocrites lurking in churches as well. Their relationships are based upon a demand (often communicated indirectly, more felt than heard)…upon a demand that the secrets about who they really are remain secret. Only praise and adulation are permitted. Active censorship is always at work. And woe, woe, woe to anyone who exposes the real person behind the mask.

This is an all too common pattern seen in people who have chosen Christianity as their mask. So effective are the masks in many cases that it can take years before it is seen through. Some people never see through it and they are the people who will side against the victim when the evil one is exposed.

So be wise. If you are in any kind of relationship with a person who overtly or subtlety, even non-verbally, communicates to you that you must never, ever speak of things you are seeing in them behind the façade, then you can know that you are in a relationship with a very toxic and unsafe person. The deeds of darkness demand secrecy. Christ’s kingdom is one of Light.

Book Review: The Peacemaker — Peace at Any Cost?

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On March 2, 2022

In Churches/Church Response, Counseling

The Peacemaker: A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict by Ken Sande is no friend of abuse victims and has real potential to increase their suffering greatly.  This book has been in use for some years now (1991) and we have had reports of it creating havoc in abuse settings.

Sande makes a very common and serious error, quite evident in his 10th chapter which is entitled “Forgive as God Forgave You.”  The central Scripture cited is —

Colossians 3:12-14 ESV Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, (13)  bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. (14)  And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony.

Many of our readers are no doubt familiar with distortions of this Scripture, along with its parallel in Ephesians 4:32.  The argument is that if we are to forgive as Christ has forgiven us, then surely forgiveness must always include reconciliation of relationship and re-establishment of trust.  The nature of true biblical repentance is not adequately developed by Sande and there is no sufficient discussion of the mentality of abuse and how the deceptive nature of the abuser so often falsifies repentance.

In fact, this book is essentially empty of any acknowledgment of true evil.  The nature and tactics of abuse seem to be foreign to the author’s thinking.  One comes away from this book with the sense that in any conflict or sin, the real bulk of the responsibility for making peace with the one who has offended rests upon the person who has been wronged.  I think that abusers would love this book and that it will provide them with all kinds of pious-sounding arguments to coerce their victim into massive guilt and confusion.
Here is Sande’s standard formula for forgiveness:

“Through forgiveness, God tears down the walls that our sins have erected, and he opens the way for a renewed relationship with him.  This is exactly what we must do if we are to forgive as the Lord forgives us; we must release the person who has wronged us from the penalty of being separated from us.  Because we must not hold wrongs against others, not think about them, and not punish others for them, forgiveness may be described as a decision to make four promises:

  • I will no longer dwell on this incident.
  • I will not bring up this incident again and use it against you.
  • I will not talk to others about this incident.
  • I will not allow this incident to stand between us or hinder our relationship.

It will not take our readers long to understand how this rigid and simplistic definition of forgiveness is going to victimize abuse victims terribly.  Tell me, would Sande apply these requirements to a girl whose father had incestuously raped her?  Or to a rape victim?  Would he demand that in all cases of domestic or sexual abuse or in cases of the most heinous crimes against one’s person, the victim must always work toward reconciliation with the evil one?  Sande of course says that the wrongdoer must repent.  But we all know how rare true repentance is.  Sande does not give us that impression but makes repentance sound rather easy.  For example:

“Confirm repentance.  It is difficult to forgive a person who has failed to repent and confess clearly and specifically.  When you find yourself in this situation, it may be wise to explain to the person who wronged you why you are having a difficult time forgiving. [NOTE:  Sande puts the chief burden on the victim in these words]…. If you are having a difficult time forgiving someone, you may need to help them see where their confession has been deficient and encourage them to take repentance more seriously. “

Mr. Sande, I am sorry, but I have to ask you — what fantasyland are you living in?
The Peacemaker will not make peace.  It will further terrorize victims of abuse and serve as an evil weapon in the hands of evil people.

We All Begin in Naivete About Evil — But We Must Not Stay There

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On February 28, 2022

In Churches/Church Response

 He also told them a parable: “Can a blind man lead a blind man? Will they not both fall into a pit?  (Luke 6:39)

An abuse survivor made the following excellent comment: 

I grew up very sheltered, I mean genuinely sheltered and protected in a godly Bible-believing home. And if someone had just walked up to me and started describing an abusive situation in a “nice Christian home”, I wouldn’t have been able to understand. I wouldn’t have accused the person of lying, but I wouldn’t have been able to grasp that level of evil and deceit hiding under the façade of Christianity. I would have looked for some other explanation, some way that there was some sort of misunderstanding or something.

I know now that that innocence and naivete on my part would have made me ripe for being manipulated into aiding the abuser, but it would have been genuine ignorance on my part, not evil. I didn’t even begin the process of really understanding that abuse as it really is even existed until I read your blog a couple of years ago when I was 19, and things have been slowly filtering through my brain since then. I guess I’m just trying to say is that there are others like me who have just been so sheltered that they truly can’t comprehend such things in their most raw form.

So keep on going after the bad guys — especially the subtle ones — but please remember to give people like me a chance. (I’m not saying you haven’t been; I’m just sort of throwing the idea out there.)

Mary is the kind of genuine Christian who we want to help become wise in regard to evil. Like her, those of us who grew up in a Christian home, sheltered from evil, are (or were) largely clueless when it comes to the existence, the nature, and the tactics of wickedness especially when it parades as Christian and creeps into the church. We thought that our local church was a place where nice people come together and love one another and sing praises to the Lord and everyone is happy. Sometimes the pastor would mysteriously disappear and a new pastor would come, or at other times some people who used to be very active suddenly left to be seen no more. But those things were for the deacon board and such. We didn’t worry about it really.

But in fact, as we now know, evil lurked. It always does. Satan always comes into Eden. The moment Jesus entered this world Satan began his attacks to destroy him. The devil and his agents inevitably creep unnoticed into any place where the gospel of Jesus Christ is being proclaimed and lived. 

This is where we as the church have no excuse for this naivete. What I mean is that people like Mary, people who are genuine sheep, are in the local church so that the shepherds can protect them, teach them, and help them become wise. And that wisdom necessarily must include becoming wise about evil. The Bible is absolutely filled with such instruction. Teaching and preaching that fails to so equip the flock is like basic training that doesn’t teach soldiers how to shoot a rifle, or worse — that doesn’t teach them about the enemy!

Oh, sure, we had classes on the doctrine of Satan and demons. We heard about his origins and the various names Scripture gives him. But we weren’t taught about the actual hands-on tactics that he uses (the same kind that abusers use against us). We weren’t taught about what his agents look like. Yes, we were told that Satan can come as an angel of light and that his servants disguise themselves as sons of righteousness, but what we weren’t told is that this means that Mr. Smith, good old “godly” Mr. Smith that everyone believes is the pillar of the church, could very well be an emissary of darkness. We weren’t told that all of this deception Scripture identifies for us means that these things are happening in OUR church, and that the fellow up there reading the Scriptures each week from the podium may actually be a most wicked abuser of his wife. We weren’t told that there are women (and sometimes men) in OUR church who are suffering horribly at the hands of an evil spouse who parades under a cloak of saintliness each week.

Such things you see, are too unpleasant, too unbelievable.  And there is the crux of the thing. Unbelievable. Unbelief. Lack of faith in the Word of God that reveals these things to us. Study theology and Bible doctrine all we want, memorize catechisms and be well-versed in our confessions of faith, we will remain absolutely ignorant of the enemy and his tactics and his agents in disguise among us. There is a bridge that must be crossed from the realm of systematic theology to the world of practical wisdom about what all that theology necessarily entails in real life and in our churches. Most Christians haven’t crossed that bridge. Many don’t want to.

All of this reveals, in my opinion, a widespread scarcity of truly wise shepherds to lead God’s people. I used to think that such wisdom could be obtained by going to seminary. I no longer believe that. In my seminary years I never came across one single, godly, wise professor who was battle-scarred and understood the wiles of the enemy. On top of that, there was a climate in the seminary that squelched real honest discussion of and instruction about such things. Happy talk. That’s what we want.

Lord, Do Not Forgive Them, For They Know Exactly What They Are Doing

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On February 23, 2022

In Abusers, Biblical Teaching

Nehemiah 4:1-5   Now when Sanballat heard that we were building the wall, he was angry and greatly enraged, and he jeered at the Jews. And he said in the presence of his brothers and of the army of Samaria, “What are these feeble Jews doing? Will they restore it for themselves? Will they sacrifice? Will they finish up in a day? Will they revive the stones out of the heaps of rubbish, and burned ones at that?”  Tobiah the Ammonite was beside him, and he said, “Yes, what they are building–if a fox goes up on it he will break down their stone wall!” Hear, O our God, for we are despised. Turn back their taunt on their own heads and give them up to be plundered in a land where they are captives. Do not cover their guilt, and let not their sin be blotted out from your sight, for they have provoked you to anger in the presence of the builders.

Christ prayed from the cross that His Father might forgive those who crucified Him.  That was probably a pretty good sized crowd, by the way.  All the mockers and  scorners there.  Later on the Day of Pentecost, Peter would tell the crowd that they crucified Christ by the hands of wicked men.  And then it was from that crowd that some 3,000 were saved.  I suspect this would not have happened had not Christ prayed for His elect from the cross. He prayed for them — for they know not what they do.  Similarly, Paul told Timothy that the Lord showed him mercy because he acted ignorantly in unbelief when he persecuted Christ’s church.

But here in Nehemiah 4, another godly man is being jeered and persecuted by wicked men.  And he prays for them as well.  Only his prayer is much different – Return their reproach on their own heads…give them up for plunder…do not forgive their iniquity and let not their sin be blotted out before You….  What is this all about?  Maybe Nehemiah was being too human and thus unkind and unforgiving?

No.

Nehemiah’s prayer was a good and righteous prayer.  The context makes that clear.  When wicked, evil people set out to destroy the work of the Lord, and they do so knowing full well that it is the work of the Lord, it is right to pray that the Lord judge them.  Nehemiah’s prayer was just like the many imprecatory Psalms that are prayers calling upon the Lord to destroy His enemies.  And I would maintain that victims of abusers have every right before God to pray these very kinds of prayers when they feel moved to do so.  We should ALL be praying these kinds of prayers regularly.  Let’s face up to it — evil people abound within our churches.  They hide behind their facades while they carry out their wickedness unseen.  Sexual abusers of children.  Abusers of their spouses.  Power and control hungry Diotrephes types looking to lure the whole flock into following them.  The Word of God has some pretty rough words for these kind:

Jude 1:12-13,” These are hidden reefs at your love feasts, as they feast with you without fear, shepherds feeding themselves; waterless clouds, swept along by winds; fruitless trees in late autumn, twice dead, uprooted; (13) wild waves of the sea, casting up the foam of their own shame; wandering stars, for whom the gloom of utter darkness has been reserved forever.”

There are people who are worse than your average sinner.  Without conscience.  Charming.  And very dangerous to our souls.

So why is it not quite appropriate then for all of us, including pastors in their pastoral prayers in the worship service, to be praying — “Lord, do not forgive such people who lurk about as hidden reefs in the fellowship of Your people.  Rise up, O Lord!  Expose them and bring them to nothing.  Bring their evil down upon their own heads and give us the wisdom to recognize it when You do so.”?  We should all pray for our churches that the Light of the world would bring hidden things to light.

We sing “Shine, Jesus, Shine!”  Do we really understand the implications of that prayer?  When the Light of Christ shines among us, it has a way of turning things upside down.

Slapping you with The Gossip Card

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On February 16, 2022

In Abusers

Eph 5:11 Take no part in the unfruitful works of darkness, but instead expose them.

Many years ago not long after I came to this church as a pastor, a man (who we finally realized years later was a reviler, as the bible terms such a person), accused me of gossiping when I was explaining to him (he was on the church board) about some of the evil I was seeing and experiencing in the church. Right in the middle of my sentence, he said (these kinds of people don’t even have to stop and think, the reviling just spills out of them)…he said “I don’t think it is right for you to be telling me these things.”

Evil hates exposure. And we are to expose it. Think for example of the OT prophets and their preaching. If we removed all words from their sermons about the sins in the midst of the Israelites, there would hardly be anything left. Or think of the Apostle Paul telling Timothy to beware of Alexander the coppersmith, or of the Apostle John warning the church about Diotrephes, who “loves to be first.” This is not gossip. The words were truth and they were spoken for good motive – to expose evil.

Most all abusers and the churches and other allies who take their side, want to silence anyone who brings their evil into the light. And one favorite weapon they use is that gossip card. Never mind the evil – you become the target and must be silenced.

I have had victims tell me that their abuser spouse would say things like “what goes on in this house stays in this house. You are never to speak to anyone about our marriage or family or home.” How convenient – for the wicked one. The great sin is not the sin, it is YOU if you talk about it.

The wicked are very, very adept at effecting this blame shift so that very quickly, no one is even thinking about the evil the victim exposed. They are only concerned to prosecute and convict the victim who “gossiped.”

Do…not…talk.

Love Gone Wrong – Thoughts for Valentines Day

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On February 14, 2022

In Abusers, False Teaching, Family/Children

Love gone wrong

One of our friends recently came across this Valentine she made as a second grader. She has been the target of several evil abusers in her life (now free and wise, thankfully), and she reflected on what this heart-filled creation says about her concept of love back then. She commented:

That innocent child valentine craft is a picture of what was going to happen to me during my life…here comes the enemy in disguise as the finest Christian saint to dupe me into marriage and bondage and abuse….The false gospel of ‘must love everyone’ was well at work on me as a child. It is shocking for me to see this now.

I suppose that a large part of this distortion of love concerns this issue of the “heart.” Valentines. Hearts. Heart-shaped candies. Heart-shaped cakes and cards and all other sorts of cardio shapes. But these ideas focus on emotions and feelings, leaving out another very crucial element of love:

1Jn 2:4-5 Whoever says “I know him” but does not keep his commandments is a liar, and the truth is not in him, (5) but whoever keeps his word, in him truly the love of God is perfected. By this we may know that we are in him:

Love, as you see here, is far more than emotion. To love someone is to ACT with love toward them. It is to be selfless and giving. Anyone who claims to love God, for instance, but who refuses to obey Him is a liar. That is not love.

This is what Jesus meant when He said that we will know them by their fruits. Words are cheap. Valentine cards are cheap. But what is a person’s attitude and behavior toward us – there is the tell-tale fruit. Is it rotten or healthy? Unfortunately most children are never taught these vital truths, and grow up having to suffer as a result.

Anger Management is Not the Answer

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On February 9, 2022

In Abusers

A reader recently wrote and said that her ex, and abusive man for over two decades, insists that his only problem is anger.  He claims to be a Christian and is verbally repentant about his anger.  The only problem is that in the same breath that he “confesses” his anger, he lays blame upon her for leaving him.  She can fully expect him to continue his other various abusive tactics as he has opportunity.  Nothing has changed.

Those of you who have read Bancroft know that anger is not the abuser’s real issue, and therefore anger management strategies are like water off a duck’s back.  In fact, they can even give an abuser another excuse — his anger, and whatever it is that supposedly made him an angry man. (or woman).

When we are dealing with a person who battles with anger, it is possible that we are dealing with a Christian.  It is a question of sanctification.  We will still expect to see improvement and genuine repentance however, and if that repentance is absent then the individual is not a Christian no matter how loudly he insists that he is. We who abide in Christ the vine will bear fruit and that fruitbearing continues and even increases as the Father prunes us.

But when we are dealing with an abuser, we are dealing with issues of justification. That is to say, salvation.  A person who is convinced that they are entitled to power and control over others and who has no regret about using whatever means he deems necessary to obtain that control, is simply not a regenerate individual.  It cannot be.  Just read through I John and you will understand why.

I mistakenly dealt with a person once from the assumption that he was a Christian who just needed help in his sanctification to over come his abusive ways.  And I dealt with him for — I am ashamed to say it — years.  Yep, it took Jeff that long to get a clue.  But I finally did.  The reason nothing changed is because there was no repentance.  And where there is no repentance, there is no Christian.

But He has Changed!

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On February 7, 2022

In Counseling, Supporting Victims

Luk 3:7-8 He said therefore to the crowds that came out to be baptized by him, “You brood of vipers! Who warned you to flee from the wrath to come? (8) Bear fruits in keeping with repentance. And do not begin to say to yourselves, ‘We have Abraham as our father.’ For I tell you, God is able from these stones to raise up children for Abraham.

With some regularity I hear from domestic abuse victims that they believe their abuser has changed – for the good. Most Christians today it seems do not like it when I tell them “abusers never change.” Not the kind of abusers we talk about here – those who lie in wait in disguise in churches, pulpits – who have no conscience, who lust for power and control. They do not change, they are not changed, because they don’t repent of their evil.

I was looking at the reviews of my book on Amazon recently and saw a “one-star” reviewer say, “This book allows no hope for God to work in a repentive heart. Not a single chapter acknowledged anyone who has truly repented to the Father and their spouse…As a pastor, implying to readers God doesn’t work in repentive hearts is not biblical.”

Well, God does indeed hear the prayer of a believing and repentant person and I have never taught otherwise. But this reviewer is coming from a false premise – that we need to expect God to work in the abuser’s heart and cling to the hope that he will one day repent. Such a hope, I maintain, will lead to continued bondage to the wicked and necessarily causes us to make bad decisions.

This reviewer also made this statement that really reveals his mind: “If you are hoping and praying for a better understanding of yourself and looking to create a better version of yourself, this book tries to convince you that change is impossible.” Well, just who is the “you” he is speaking of? It is the abuser. The abuser, he insists, can want to create a better version of himself and understand himself better. And therein is the lie. Abusers do not desire to understand themselves – because that would mean wanting to know their sin. But abusers are never wrong, never guilty. They are quite sure that they know themselves and their victim. Further, no sinner can ever “create a better version of himself.” That is not the gospel of Christ. Change must come from above. We must be born again.

I also heard recently of an abuse victim who is rejoicing because her abuser is evidencing such wonderful change. He has found a program to enroll in that is just enabling him to be transformed, she says. And “she says,” – why? Because “he says.” He says he has changed.

But the thing is a false hope. Wicked, conscienceless, “christian” hypocrites – these wolves in wool, will do most anything possible to ensure that their target remains under their power. If that requires enrolling in a program whose steps promise reformation, many will gladly do so. They will “get counseling” although before the program or the counseling are over, they will have won the director and counselor over to their side!

There IS hope for us in Christ. But “us” does not include the wicked who refuse to bow to the Lord and turn from their evil. To think otherwise is to remain enslaved to the enemy’s lies.

Abusers Expose Themselves: Some Early Warning Signs to Watch for

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On February 2, 2022

In Abusers

This post is written mostly from personal experience. It addresses a topic that generally leads me to start talking to myself:  “Jeff, how could you have been so stupid? Why didn’t you realize what that person was a long, long time ago?” You know that kind of self-talk I bet. But I think that we should also lighten up on ourselves quite a lot. The fact is that by its very nature, evil is extremely deceptive, especially when it is parading under the guise of “Christian.” The fact is that you usually have to learn the hard way. But we would all admit that if we had listened to God’s Word more closely and seriously, we would have been tipped off earlier.  At least in part.
Well, how can you spot an abuser early on? Here are some warning signs that are frequently missed and yet they are very, very typical:

  1. Telling you what you are thinking, what you were thinking, or what your motive was/is. And normally the thought or motive identified is not a good one! “You did that because you were angry at her.” “You totally ignored that person when they were trying to get your attention.” “You said that the reason you did such and such was ________, but I know that you really did it because _________.”  Reject this kind of thing. “You cannot read my mind and you do not know the motives of my heart. Do not make those kind of accusations to me again. I will not permit you to do so.”
  2. Offering to “help” you with certain personal character flaws that they claim to see in you. “We would be a really good team. I know that I would help balance you out.” Reject this as well. “So, you are saying that your motive for wanting to be on the team is focused specifically at me and your mission will be to fix me? That is a faulty motive. You are not a good fit for our team.”
  3. Evidencing controlling behaviors and words, often when no one else in your life says or does the things this person does. “I see that you are going to _________. I don’t like that idea. It is a mistake.”  Now, healthy and safe people can indeed say such a thing to us, but the abuser/narcissist will do so in a rather animated way, becoming more animated as he goes on speaking. “I believe that this is the right way, the biblical way, and you need to do it like this.” And you find yourself thinking or feeling, “this guy’s animation and zeal for such a minor point is just plain weird.”  In Christian circles, such a person will even tack on God’s name and supposed authority to his own position.  “Do it my way or God will judge you.”
  4. Changing and altering history. You are quite sure that you heard him say or saw him do something, but even a very short time later when you bring it up, he not only denies it but acts as if he has absolutely no memory of the event ever happening.
  5. Blame-shifting. Abusers, you remember, are never wrong. They will make you feel, the longer you are around them, that you are always the guilty one. After a time if you try to recall an incident in which they honestly admitted fault, your list will be very short if not non-existent.
  6. Criticizing you in front of other people, thus working to gain them as allies on his side and plant doubt about you in their minds.
  7. Often reminding you of past incidents in which they have already accused you of having sinned or being wrong. I have personally had wicked people do this very thing, claiming that they clearly remembered something that allegedly happened 15 years before, based on the very barest of evidence. The fact is that they actually invent these incidents and in reality, they never happened at all. But abusers are very, very good at feigning absolute sincerity and thus making you think that they must be right.  They aren’t.
  8. Playing the victim. They will hear a sound, biblical sermon series or lesson and they will walk away having twisted it into applying to YOU, not to them, when in fact the Scripture very obviously exposes their own sin.  They will attack and revile, and when you call them on it they will instantly feign being “hurt” and morph into the victim role.
  9. If they are a man, they will often evidence a mentality that men are inherently superior to women. This attitude will often come across as supposed “humor,” but we must reject it as not being funny at all. At other times, if the abuser is a professing Christian, watch for warped views on roles in marriage.
  10. A too-good-to-be-true image, especially in Christian circles. The perfect, biblical marriage. Perfect obedient children. Nobody is perfect, and those who appear to be are suspect.

The list goes on, but these are all signs that I have seen in abusers very early on in my acquaintance with them. I just didn’t have the wisdom to realize what these indicators were telling me. I found out the hard way.
I am wiser now. I hope you all are too.

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