Unholy Charade - Jeff Crippen

Unmasking the Domestic Abuser in the Church

Author: Jeff Crippen Page 6 of 82

Dr. Phil is Right on – This is a must listen

By

On May 2, 2024

In Abusers, Evil, Narcissist

I don’t follow Dr. Phil, but I came across this talk he gave on the narcissistic personality. I listened to it and before I finished I knew I needed to share it. We watched it last Sunday in the morning class and I sent the link to our people who follow online. I received numbers of responses – all positive – some saying “this needs to be shown in every church.” This is the first of an 8 part series on this subject and other personality disorders. If you want some real help wising up to what makes our RASN’s tick, watch this video and his subsequent ones. I NEVER learned these things in seminary and yet for the past 40 years of pastoral ministry I have almost constantly been attacked by these kind. If we don’t know they exist and what they are, we will never understand what is really happening. Also, the Scriptures which address these evil ones will begin to really come alive for you when you learn about them.

Narcissistic Personalities – Toxic Personalities in the Real World

The Abuser is Malignantly Jealous of Your Successes

By

On April 27, 2024

In Evil, jealousy, jealousy

Pro 27:4 Wrath is cruel, anger is overwhelming, but who can stand before jealousy?

The sin of jealousy is, as the verse above says, particularly destructive. Now, God Himself, we know, is a jealous God. That is, He is jealous for His own glory – idolatry moves Him to a holy jealousy. But man’s jealousy for self-glory is evil. The RASN (reviler, abuser, sociopath, narcissist) is characterized by jealousy – a malignant, evil, destroying jealousy. Let me explain.

Because the RASN has a mentality of superiority and entitlement, a lust to be the center of the universe and a demand that everyone supply his ego, the successes of others moves him or her to intense envy. This is why so many domestic abuse victims will tell how their abuser sought to sabotage the victim’s successes. A job promotion for the victim provokes the RASN to jealousy for instance. The RASN will harass the victim at work in various ways to tear down her ability to succeed there. Friendships feed his jealousy. The love of children for the victim feed the abuser’s jealousy.

This evil jealousy produces within the RASN feelings and attitudes of contempt for the victim. I have seen it in their eyes and most of you have as well. You are succeeding and the RASN hates you for it. A normal person would be glad for you, but not the RASN. You are stealing his place in the limelight, as he sees it. So he despises you with his words, with his behaviors, with his nuances.

This jealousy things is wicked, wicked, wicked. It really is what motivated Satan when he fell from his original position in heaven:

Isa 14:13-14 You said in your heart, ‘I will ascend to heaven; above the stars of God I will set my throne on high; I will sit on the mount of assembly in the far reaches of the north; (14) I will ascend above the heights of the clouds; I will make myself like the Most High.’

Jealousy and envy are a horrible, wicked, dark and devilish sin, the prognosis for which is a virtual certain negative outcome. Trying to “fix” a RASN and hoping they will one day see their sin and repent is a flight of fancy. Your very efforts to “fix” them will only be further fuel for their contempt.

Vengeance is an Ugly Thing – Unless the Lord is Wielding it

By

On April 26, 2024

In Evil, forgiveness

Rom 12:19 Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.”

There is a reason that we are prohibited as individuals from taking revenge on someone. We are not to do so even in regard to our enemies. Why? Because human beings are not qualified to dish out revenge. We do not send people to hell – only the Lord does. Inevitably anyone who tries to bear the sword of revenge will be consumed by it himself.

We know people who have been grievously wronged by very evil people. Many of you have. But whenever I see a lust for vengeance in, for example, an abuse victim, I know they are going down a dangerous and sinful path. A lust for revenge is consuming. In the very next verses Paul says:

Rom 12:20-21 To the contrary, “if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by so doing you will heap burning coals on his head.” (21) Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

Don’t be overcome by evil. And that is where the road to vengeance takes us. No wonder the Lord tells us to leave vengeance to Him. He promises to pour out His wrath upon the wicked. And He will do so in perfect justice.

Another thing happens when a person craves revenge and takes steps to get it for himself. They become a toxic person themselves. I know this by hard experience. People who are characterized with a craving for revenge will ultimately turn on others as well. The quest for vengeance increasingly consumes them. It drives them and they become characterized by it.

We do not have to become our enemy’s best buddy. We aren’t required to just “let bygones be bygones.” To do so would be unwise when it comes to someone who is an enemy and desires to destroy us. But if we find an enemy laying in a ditch beside his/her wrecked car, we do not look and say “good! You got what you deserve,” and then drive on. No. We stop, we render aid and thereby divine coals of judgment are heaped upon them. Sometimes even repentance might result.

If you are a victim/survivor of domestic abuse or some other heinous evil, take care. Do not be consumed by a lust for revenge. Otherwise you may just become an abuser yourself.

We Grow Accustomed to the Abnormal and Think it is Normal

By

On April 24, 2024

In Abusers, Evil

Gal 4:8 Formerly, when you did not know God, you were enslaved to those that by nature are not gods.

When we were still dead in our sins, when we did not know God, we were enslaved. We were blind to our condition. Satan had us in bondage leading us to and fro. And we thought our lives were normal. Perhaps we wished for better circumstances, but in the wisdom of the world we thought things were going normally.

But then, when Christ in His mercy laid hold of us, sent His Spirit to us to enlighten our minds and reveal Himself to us, the light came on and we realized we had been living in darkness. In abnormality. This life we were in before was not the life God created us for.

But we still fight a battle with the world, the flesh, and the devil. And in this battle we can often slide into thinking that what is happening to us at the hands of other people is normal. Let me explain.

I grew up in a family which professed to be Christian. We went to church pretty regularly. I made a profession of faith in Christ when I was about 8 years old. I thought that my family life was normal. It was what I knew. It was what my parents modeled to me. I mean, who wants to admit that their home and family are not normal at all?

But in God’s sight, my family of origin was abnormal. Things were not functioning as they were meant to function. I never saw my father pray or read his Bible. My parents never talked to me or my sisters about the Lord. There was a sense of shame regarding spiritual things. Talk all you want about plans for college, or hunting and fishing. But I knew not to speak of the really important matters of life. I was taught to be ashamed. How long does it take after the Lord shows us these things to get over and beyond the damage done? In ways, a lifetime.

When people spend years in an abusive relationship – be it marriage, parents, siblings, or other toxic people – the thing becomes like that old song – I’ve grown accustomed to your face….”. Toxic relationships are anything but normal, if we define normal as relationships in tune with God’s purpose and truth for us. There is a blindness to the thing.

For instance, I have actually defended narcissists who I believed to be my friends. I saw flaws and even sins in them, but I wrote them off as imperfections to be patiently borne with and forgiven. When others would point out narcissistic behaviors in these people, my tendency was to respond with, “oh yes, I know. That wasn’t right. But….”.

However, the point came when the Lord opened my eyes to the abnormal, to the evil, so that I started to see the thing for what it was and I realized that I had been in a very toxic relationship, used and abused by people who never loved me (or anyone) at all. Our tendency especially as Christians, is to believe the best and to forgive. But when it comes to evil, to unrepentant wickedness, to this RASN thing (revilers, abusers, sociopaths, narcissists), believing the best is to believe a lie.

I bet that most of you, like myself, have often beat yourself up a bit once you saw the RASN for what he/she is. “How could I have been so stupid?!” “Why in the world did I let him get away with that?” The answer is because sin and evil are incredibly deceptive, they wear a disguise, and we are not born into this life with a full deck when it comes to discerning wickedness. But in Christ we grow. The Holy Spirit works in us to enable us to discern the normal from the abnormal. Righteousness is normal in the sense that it is God’s will for us, even though the norm in a fallen world is wickedness.

It is not an easy thing for us to understand and admit that someone we believed loved us – never did. That, for instance, my father’s failure to instruct me in Godliness shows that he was an utter failure as a father when it came to the truly important things in life. That my family of origin was unhealthy in so many ways (and that I contributed to that unhealthiness too!).

One time, a few years before he died, I was visiting my parents and I told my father, “You know, dad, I was really very selfish when I was a teenager and I was not thankful to you for providing for me. But I want you to know that I am thankful and that I have changed.” His response was an uncomfortable, sheepish – “Oh well, I have changed too. Say, how do you like your new boat?” Cue to move on and stick to more comfortable (ie, shallow) subjects.

So I grew up in an extremely abnormal home where I was taught to be ashamed of Christ. Where discussion of deeper subjects was squelched. I thought it was normal.

When you were in bondage to your abuser, you probably did not realize just how terribly abnormal your life was. How terribly abnormal the things your abuser did were. And this blindness is a big part of the power the abuser holds over his victim.

The Abuser is an Immature, Selfish Child

By

On April 22, 2024

In Abusers

One of the first words a child learns is….”mine!” That we are all born into this world in a fallen, sinful condition is evident. You do not need to teach your children to sin – they know how by nature. Mine!! And the battle is on if he doesn’t get what he demands. Our Labrador Mocha is like that. There can be dog toys laying all over the floor and she pays them no notice until our other dog Cinder picks one up. Mine!!

Abusers are selfish children. They have never grown up emotionally, mentally, or spiritually. They will have their way…or else! In their own way they throw tantrums and punish people when they don’t yield to them. In fact I know children and Labradors who are more mature!

So what happened to them? Sometime, somewhere, in someplace, abusers locked into immaturity. They chose to remain perpetual 3 year olds, only as they grew physically and more sophisticated in evil and obtained more resources, the harm they do became much greater than a 3 year old could pull off. They are selfish, they demand their own way, they lash out at others, they lie, and they punish anyone who dare tell them the truth about themselves.

Abusers can be very intelligent people with high IQ’s. They can excel in their field of study or career. But they remain selfish, mean, children who have “give me what is mine, or else” plastered on their person.

Will they ever grow up? Nope. It won’t happen and if you think you can fix them you will only have hard and painful lessons ahead of you.

The “Right Now” in the Moment Thinking of the Abuser

By

On April 17, 2024

In Abusers

I recently heard Dr. Les Carter (find him on Youtube) mention this “right now” mentality of the narcissist and I wanted to call it to your attention. This is a very, very typical characteristic of the RASN (reviler, abuser, sociopath, narcissist) and it is one reason the Bible calls wicked people, fools.

RASNs do not think about the consequences of their abuse. They don’t look ahead. They only operate in the moment, and specifically in the moment when they engage their abusive, evil tactics. Largely this is because they want immediate satisfaction against their target. They want things like revenge. Vengeance is mine, says the RASN. And I will have it now.

But wait, Mr. RASN, did you ever take even a moment to consider the consequences of your actions? The answer is, “no.” He doesn’t. He doesn’t consider the harm his actions might do, or the longer-term effects. He doesn’t even consider the negative effects that will come about on himself! All he knows is that he has been “wronged,” and he is going to punish. He never mulls over even for a second wisdom like this:

So also the tongue is a small part of the body, and yet it boasts of great things. See how great a forest is set aflame by such a small fire! (James 3:5)

And so he destroys his marriage, he destroys his wife, he destroys and alienates his children, he harms himself economically, and he adds to the fires reserved for him on the Day of Judgment. But he gets his revenge, and that is all he cares about.

God Hands the Abuser Over to Evil – And it is Right to Escape

By

On April 15, 2024

In Abusers, Getting Free

Saul looked at David with suspicion from that day on. Now it came about on the next day that an evil spirit from God came mightily upon Saul, and he raved in the midst of the house, while David was playing the harp with his hand, as usual; and a spear was in Saul’s hand. Saul hurled the spear for he thought, “I will pin David to the wall.” But David escaped from his presence twice. Now Saul was afraid of David, for the LORD was with him but had departed from Saul. Therefore Saul removed him from his presence and appointed him as his commander of a thousand; and he went out and came in before the people. David was prospering in all his ways for the LORD was with him. When Saul saw that he was prospering greatly, he dreaded him. (1Sa 18:9-15)

My thanks to a friend who called this Scripture to my attention. King Saul is a clear picture of a RASN, of an abuser lusting for power and control, and there are important and encouraging lessons to be had here.

Saul, first of all, was jealous of David’s successes. So much so that his entire attitude toward David was one of suspicion. Suspicion of what? That David was working to take Saul’s throne. I think that Saul knew full well that David was the Lord’s anointed, that the Lord was with David and was not with him (Saul).

Domestic abusers regard their targeted victim with suspicion. Why? Because they see their spouse as a threat. I think that domestic abusers actually fear their victim. Why else would they expend so much energy and resources to keep them under control? “Now Saul was afraid of David, for the LORD was with him but had departed from Saul.”

Now, notice carefully that the time came when the Lord handed Saul over to evil. An evil spirit from God came mightily upon Saul. This is a very curious statement but it shows us that even Satan and his evil minions are under the Lord’s sovereignty. He uses even demons for His purposes.

Why did the Lord do this? It was a judgment upon Saul for his sin. The Lord hands the wicked over to evil when they refuse to repent. And in this case Saul “raved in the midst of the house.” His hatred for David was ignited into a flame of fury and he threw a spear at David in an attempt to kill him. How is this to be explained? Simply that Saul had been handed over to evil by the Lord. He chose the devil and to the devil he was given.

I believe that this very same thing happens in regard to the domestic abuser (and all other RASNs). The point comes when these self-hardened evildoers are given over to the power of their sin. Given to their father the devil so that they rage against all righteousness, especially the righteousness of their target of abuse. There is no return from this bondage. Abusers never change.

Notice very, very carefully what David did. He escaped from Saul’s presence. And he would continue to flee from him. He did not just remain there and “take it.” He fled. And the Lord protected him. The Lord approved of David escaping.

Wouldn’t you say that right here in these verses alone we have all the proof we need that the Lord authorizes victims of domestic abuse to escape? And wouldn’t you say that right here in these verses alone we are given insight into why the abuser hates and fears his victim, and why he so diligently and constantly seeks to control and even destroy them?

I can hear it now – “But marriage is different. This just concerns David and Saul, not husband and wife.”

Answer not a fool according to his folly.

King Saul – a Classic Toxic Person

By

On April 13, 2024

In Abusers, Evil, Narcissist, RASN

As they were coming home, when David returned from striking down the Philistine, the women came out of all the cities of Israel, singing and dancing, to meet King Saul, with tambourines, with songs of joy, and with musical instruments. And the women sang to one another as they celebrated, “Saul has struck down his thousands, and David his ten thousands.” And Saul was very angry, and this saying displeased him. He said, “They have ascribed to David ten thousands, and to me they have ascribed thousands, and what more can he have but the kingdom?” And Saul eyed David from that day on.
(1Sa 18:6-9)

Wicked people, RASNs (revilers, abusers, sociopaths, narcissists) are all about themselves. The world revolves around them. They have an astonishing mindset of superiority and entitlement. Make one of them a king, like Saul, and you have a powerful formula for evil.

David had accomplished a great victory for Israel. Goliath was dead and the murderous enemy was defeated. The whole nation was rejoicing – except Saul. And Saul eyed David from that day on.

If you have had the unpleasant experience of a relationship with a RASN, then it is quite probably that you have seen this very thing. One day it seemed that all was well, then next moment as if a switch had been thrown, you realized that things had changed, and not for the better. Why? How can this be explained?

RASNs are extremely jealous people. It makes them fools. Saul should have been celebrating David’s victory as a victory for Israel and for Saul as well. After all, Saul was king and his loyal servant had routed his enemies. But Saul, consumed with jealousy, seethed in his anger that the spotlight was now upon David rather than himself. In addition, Saul must have sensed that the Lord was with David in a way that His blessing was not upon Saul.

And this is how it works with the RASN. When, for example, the wife of a domestic abuser, enjoys some success in her work or at her church or in the eyes of her family, the fires of jealousy begin to rage. And Saul eyed David from that day on. The evil eye watching, bent on destroying his target’s success. No matter that the success of the abuser’s wife is actually a success for and a blessing upon him. Nope. Competition for glory will not be tolerated and he sets out to sabotage. Many abuse victims will tell us how their abuser worked to cause them trouble at work or to destroy relationships.

Abusers are fools. They saw off the branch they themselves are sitting upon.

[There will be a part 2 to this post next week discussing how the Lord sent an evil spirit upon Saul so that his ravings against David increased. IMO this same dynamic very often is at work in domestic abusers and other RASNs we deal with]

Does Time Heal all Wrongs?

By

On April 8, 2024

In Abusers, forgiveness

That happened a long time ago. You can’t keep holding it against me.

Have you ever heard that line? It actually is pretty commonly used by RASNs (revilers, abusers, sociopaths, narcissists). Especially if they claim to be Christians. They will throw in a twisted Bible verse or two to back up their claim.

When it comes to sin, time does not heal all wrongs. God Himself does not just “forget about it.”

But they do not consider that I remember all their evil. Now their deeds surround them; they are before my face.
(Hos 7:2)

RASNs so often make this claim – that because so many years have gone by, we have no right to remember their sin. But in the very act of making such a claim, they betray that they have not changed, have not repented, and have no intention of repenting. Sin unconfessed, unrepented of, does not just dissolve with time. It is still there on the books, as if it were committed afresh every single day.

Divide and Conquer – a Tactic of Evil

By

On April 4, 2024

In Abusers, Evil, Narcissist, RASN

Therefore I, the prisoner of the Lord, implore you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling with which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, showing tolerance for one another in love, being diligent to preserve the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.
(Eph 4:1-3)

As many of you know from hard experience, RASNs (revilers, abusers, sociopaths, narcissists) and other evil people, sow seeds of discord as a tactic to maintain power and control. That is always what everything they do is about – PC (Power and Control). They divide so that they can conquer.

You have seen it in your families. Domestic abusers work to pit children against parent, extended family against their target victim, friends against friends. There is an account of a famous English Admiral (can’t recall his name) who saw two of his officers arguing heatedly on deck during England’s war with the French. The admiral grabbed them both by the collar, spun them around toward the sea where a French warship was approaching, and said “Gentlemen, THERE is the enemy!” We cannot fight effectively if we are fighting with one another.

Evil people of every category are divisive people:

Now I urge you, brethren, keep your eye on those who cause dissensions and hindrances contrary to the teaching which you learned, and turn away from them. For such men are slaves, not of our Lord Christ but of their own appetites; and by their smooth and flattering speech they deceive the hearts of the unsuspecting.
(Rom 16:17-18)

Abusers turn children and grandchildren against parent and grandparent. They sow division between their target victim and her friends. Why? In part just to punish. but primarily to gain allies for the abuser himself. This adds to his power. The Apostle Paul warns us of this and tells us to carefully watch anyone who causes dissensions and to turn away from them, refusing to listen to their “smooth and flattering speech” which they use to gain us as their ally in wickedness.

Allies of evil. Now there is another related topic. How the RASN works to gain allies for his evil cause. Suddenly an abuse victim’s friends at church grow distant and cool. Relatives and friends pressure the victim to work harder in the marriage. Abuse victims have often even lost their jobs due to the abuser’s craftiness in influencing their employer. Children and grandchildren are brainwashed and lied to, distancing them from their mother. The thing is absolutely and sadly typical.

There IS a division which is of the Holy Spirit. Paul says it in his words quoted above. We are to divide, to separate from – evil. From people who cause wicked division. Turn away from THEM. Far too often we see local churches turning away from the wrong person while the divider remains among them.

Page 6 of 82

Previous

Next