Unholy Charade - Jeff Crippen

Unmasking the Domestic Abuser in the Church

Author: Jeff Crippen Page 5 of 89

The Destructive Path of the Abuser

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On June 5, 2025

In Abusers, Churches/Church Response

DESTRUCTION AND MISERY ARE IN THEIR PATHS, AND THE PATH OF PEACE THEY HAVE NOT KNOWN.”
(Romans 3:16-17)

RASNs (revilers, abusers, sociopaths, narcissists) are like a tornado. You no doubt have seen the path of a tornado in the news media or perhaps even in person. You can see where it has been. Everything is demolished.

RASNs are like a tornado. They wreak havoc, misery, and destruction. Most of the RASNs I have personally encountered have been in the local church. They constantly work at being esteemed by all. They crave to be worshipped and adored. And in doing so, they divide, destroy, and hurt. It only takes one in the mix of an entire congregation and when the dust settles, friendships are destroyed, some members leave, and those who had to deal with the RASN are maligned and blamed.

RASNs hurt others. They are the kind of person that the Apostle Paul warned us about:

I appeal to you, brothers, to watch out for those who cause divisions and create obstacles contrary to the doctrine that you have been taught; avoid them. For such persons do not serve our Lord Christ, but their own appetites, and by smooth talk and flattery they deceive the hearts of the naive.
(Romans 16:17-18)

That is a perfect description of the “Christian” narcissist. And it is also God’s instruction to us regarding how we are to deal with such a person. Watch out for them. And watching out means to be wise about evil and to go “no contact” with it. In the case of the church, we are to put such a person out from among us.

RASNs are deceivers. They utilize “smooth talk and flattery” to dupe the naive. So don’t be naive. Christians should be the best experts on these evil kind, but sadly it seems that the church is not very often wise to them. As a result, their destruction and misery sweep a path right through us.

Paul said “the path of peace they have not known.” Think about that. Peace is something these wicked ones know nothing about. They actually prefer war because it serves their destructive purposes the best. Think of Hitler, for instance. Peace was something he did not desire, even though his path left Germany in ruins. War and division and destruction are the main diet of these kind.

You cannot make peace with someone who knows nothing about peace, who finds peace detestable. You are not going to sit down with the RASN and reason them into choosing peace. Peace is an alien thing to them. Their purposes are served by causing conflict, division, and destruction. And if we are going to be wise to them, it is vital that we understand and admit these facts.

The Dark Secrecy of Narcissistic Abuse

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On June 3, 2025

In Narcissist

Deuteronomy 27:24  ‘Cursed is he who strikes his neighbor in secret.’ And all the people shall say, ‘Amen.’

It takes a long time for us to wake up to the existence and nature of narcissistic abuse. RASNs as I call them (revilers, abusers, sociopaths, narcissists), operate in darkness and secrecy – behind the scenes. They wear disguises. They live a lie. They use tactics that are not easily recognized by their targets. As the Word of God says, such people are cursed by the Lord.

Many of you have, I suspect, experienced the same kind of thing that I have. Years go by and only decades later does the truth become evident. The real evil that was happening, the abuse launched against the victim all that time or so long ago – comes to light. And you respond – “I didn’t know.” And you really didn’t know. Satan’s kingdom is the kingdom of darkness, and his servants operate in darkness where no one sees.

The deception can make us feel guilty. “How could I have missed it? How could I have not seen?” Well, you didn’t see because you cannot see in the darkness. A secret is a secret – until it is revealed.

But the Lord is Light. He reveals what is hidden and what is secret. That is why the wicked hate Him and all who belong to Him. His Light exposes the darkness and the evil deeds being done in it –

John 3:20  “For everyone who does evil hates the Light, and does not come to the Light lest his deeds be exposed.

This is why it is vital for us to constantly ask the Lord to reveal what is hidden, to open our eyes so that we can discern. Praying in this way and diligently giving ourselves to the serious study of God’s Word is essential if the lights are going to go on for us. Those red flags, those feelings that all is not well – can only be recognized for what they are if we are trained to discern –

Hebrews 5:13-14  For everyone who partakes only of milk is not accustomed to the word of righteousness, for he is an infant.  (14)  But solid food is for the mature, who because of practice have their senses trained to discern both good and evil.

When the RASN’s Idol is Threatened

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On May 15, 2025

In Abusers, Narcissist

When they heard this they were enraged and were crying out, “Great is Artemis of the Ephesians!” So the city was filled with the confusion, and they rushed together into the theater, dragging with them Gaius and Aristarchus, Macedonians who were Paul’s companions in travel.
(Acts 19:28-29)

Paul’s experience at Ephesus is a very good picture of what happens whenever the reviler, abuser, sociopath, narcissist’s idol is threatened. Of course, most all of you know that the RASN’s idol is SELF. Specifically, the false facade of SELF which the RASN clothes himself in. He sees himself as deity to be worshipped, and he demands that worship – or else. Others exists solely for the purpose of praising him and shoring up his false image.

In many ways, the RASN is constantly demonstrating “Great is Artemis!” Just plus his name in there and you have it. When anyone brings truth to bear upon this idolatrous image, a riot will break out. A riot of anger and a quest for punishment and vengeance. Artemis, like all false gods, is false. The idol is a lie, a creation of man. Truth shines light upon the lie’s darkness, exposing the RASN for what he really is. And this exposure simply cannot be tolerated.

And this is the judgment: the light has come into the world, and people loved the darkness rather than the light because their works were evil. For everyone who does wicked things hates the light and does not come to the light, lest his works should be exposed. (John 3:19-20)

It is vital that we understand this – many of these kinds of people exist around us. They are not rare. And many of them love to seek out churches as their selected arena in which to play out their idolatry. Since we do not think in this way, we make the mistake of believing that everyone else thinks like we do. They do not. The RASN’s mindset is entirely different.

Are You Ever Sorry that You said “I’m Sorry?” –

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On May 5, 2025

In Abusers, forgiveness, RASN

Psalms 109:1-5  To the choirmaster. A Psalm of David. Be not silent, O God of my praise!  (2)  For wicked and deceitful mouths are opened against me, speaking against me with lying tongues.  (3)  They encircle me with words of hate, and attack me without cause.  (4)  In return for my love they accuse me, but I give myself to prayer.  (5)  So they reward me evil for good, and hatred for my love.

Psalm 109 is one of the most powerful imprecatory Psalms. The Psalmist calls down imprecations upon the wicked. An imprecation is a spoken curse. This Psalm, incidentally, is quoted in the New Testament and applied to the betrayer of Christ – see Acts 1:20.

Scriptures like this refute the tired, false claim that “God loves everybody.” God Himself curses the wicked and here the Psalmist is praying that the Lord would do the same to his enemies.

One common result of these vile, wicked actions of people like revilers, abusers, sociopaths, and narcissists, is that they often goad us into saying “I’m sorry.” Taking the blame for things they accuse us of, but of which we are not guilty. And yet, we say “I’m sorry.” I bet most of you have done this and then later, after the lights went on for you, you regretted doing so. The “I’m sorry” responses of abuse victims only fuel the devilish ego of the wicked and serve to maintain their power and control.

One very typical indicator that a person is the victim of a RASN is this very thing – they frequently say “I’m sorry.” Even to others besides their abuser. Why? Because they have been programmed to be guilty. The “I’m sorry” becomes an automatic response whenever they are falsely accused and transfers even to other scenarios. Someone may spill coffee, for instance, and the abuse victim responds, “I’m sorry” even though they weren’t the ones who spilled. They don’t mean “I’m so sorry your coffee got spilled.” No. What they mean is that somehow they are to blame, that they in some way contributed to the spill.

This is what Satan does. He programs the righteous to accept blame. He isn’t called the “accuser of the brethren” for nothing. And his evil servants carry out the same diabolical tactic.

Yes, there have been times when I said “I’m sorry” which I now regret. But we must not be too hard on ourselves. RASNs are master deceivers and manipulators. They have the same DNA as the devil – they are his children. What we can do is learn and grow wise to this business and stop being so quick to regard ourselves as the ones who owe an apology.

Psalms 109:16-17  For he did not remember to show kindness, but pursued the poor and needy and the brokenhearted, to put them to death.  (17)  He loved to curse; let curses come upon him! He did not delight in blessing; may it be far from him!

A Person Devoid of Love – It is Difficult to Imagine

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On May 1, 2025

In Abusers, Getting Free

1 John 4:7-8  Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God.  (8)  Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love.

Most of you know that RASNs (revilers, abusers, sociopaths, narcissists) are characterized by a lack of empathy. Perhaps you have even learned the truth that such people do not love. But have you really thought about this trait carefully. It is, after all, very hard for us to grasp.

“Anyone who does not love does not know God.” John tells us that there are indeed people who do not love. This doesn’t mean just sometimes. It doesn’t mean that they have very little love. No. It means they do not love ever, that they are entirely devoid of love.

Now, such people mask it. They fake love. They put on their disguise, but it is all a facade. Their heart is a vacuum, a black hole where love is not to be found. This is why they can walk away from a longstanding relationship as if a switch were thrown. They do not sense any loss because without love they never truly valued anyone else.

There are MANY of these kind of people around us. They are not a rarity. They have no compassion. They lack any ability to empathize with others. Love is what enables us to value other people, but where love is absent, other people are – valueless.

It is a very painful and devastating thing to experience this in someone whom you thought loved you – maybe even over a long period of time, as in a marriage. But the day comes when that cold heart is expressed in their face, in their tone of voice, and in their cruelty. Who can imagine it? And yet it is t here, and it is real. Such a person never loved you at all. Ever. Realizing this is very hurtful, and yet it is a necessary first step to getting free.

Refusal to Accept Truth is a Mark of the RASN

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On April 23, 2025

In Narcissist

Have I then become your enemy by telling you the truth?
(Galatians 4:16)

“If you want to be respected, then stop getting angry when you are told the truth.” That is a great quote I heard recently in a video about Winston Churchill. His wife, Clementine, had passed on some constructive criticism and Winston didn’t take it well. Now, I do not believe Churchill was a narcissist, but Clementine’s words certainly apply to what I call the RASN (reviler, abuser, sociopath, or narcissist).

RASNs demand what they call “respect.” It isn’t really respect, but more akin to something like being worshipped and served. However, being the fools that they are (evil always makes a person a fool), they sabotage any respect by refusing to accept truth about themselves. RASNs refuse to self-examine. Introspection is not in their mentality. They are not to blame. And thus they rage when told the truth about themselves.

RASNs, being the shame-enslaved people that they are, could never and will never pray as David did:

Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! And see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting! (Psalms 139:23-24)

None of us enjoy being shown sin within ourselves. Conviction is painful. Repentance is hard, and yet if we truly know the Lord, if we are born again, we will come to confess our sin and ask the Lord’s forgiveness because of Christ. Not so the RASN. Anyone who dares to point out sin to such a one will be met with hostility and blame.

If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. (1 John 1:8)

In the end, the RASN loses the respect he craves. He will need to move on to new pastures where his disguised self can win the adulation of others – for a time.

RASNs are Users

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On April 17, 2025

In Abusers, Getting Free

They make much of you, but for no good purpose. They want to shut you out, that you may make much of them.
(Galatians 4:17)

Revilers, abusers, sociopaths, and narcissists never give, they always take. Just as the Apostle Paul warned the Galatians, RASNs flatter, but only so that they can use others – so that YOU may make much of THEM.

The narcissist, for example, views himself/herself as the sun around whom the planets revolve – their only purpose being to exalt this being who considers himself a kind of god. They only exist for his glory. He uses them.

I am sure that most of you can give examples you have experienced in respect to this evil business of being used. Much of this usage is rather covert, but in other cases it is right out there to be seen. RASNs all believe that they are entitled, owed, and to be served.

The targets of these users can often fall prey to this nasty business without realizing they are being used. The thing can go on for years – giving, giving, giving, taking, taking, taking. You give, they take. You give, they use. I told someone recently that I should change all my “usernames” online to the name of some chief user I have known!

Normal people, particularly real Christians, are givers. Like Christ, we are enabled by the Holy Spirit in us and as the new creations that we are, to give. To serve. The greatest in God’s kingdom are those who are servants of all. Christ came and laid down His life, He gave Himself so that we might live. We as His people delight in meeting a need and helping those who need help. But if we are not wise, we in particular can become the target of the user. This is a kind of bondage and it can go on for a long time.

RASNs flatter. They do this because they know that it is a powerful technic with which to enslave. That is Paul’s point in the verse quoted above. They only want to use others for their own evil and selfish ends. And so as they weave their web to ensnare us, they throw compliments, they tell us how wonderful we are, how no one can do something as good as we can, and on and on and on. But before long, sooner than later, they will begin to take. “Oh, could you….you’re so good at this.” It is all a cruel and evil disguise to hide what is really going on. Using. Taking. Draining the bottle dry.

True, authentic, genuine human relationships are not based upon taking. They cannot exist unless both parties are ready to deny themselves and give. The user will never do this. And that is why, for example, victims of domestic abuse, find themselves empty and dried up after years of being used. Give and give and give all you can to a user – it will never be enough. It will never be appreciated. You will never be loved. The thing is a toxin and we need to cease swallowing it.

Don’t be Sapphira

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On April 1, 2025

In Counseling

But a man named Ananias, with his wife Sapphira, sold a piece of property, and with his wife’s knowledge he kept back for himself some of the proceeds and brought only a part of it and laid it at the apostles’ feet. (Acts 5:1-2)

I want to warn everyone about a rather common trap – the trap this woman named Sapphira fell into. At the start, I need to be very clear about what I do NOT mean. I am not talking about a domestic abuse victim, for instance, who is still in a marriage which is no marriage. Getting free, as we all know, is not generally very easy. It often is a complicated matter and sometimes, at least for the present, getting free of an abuser just isn’t possible. Children, economic issues, a place to live – all these factors and more enter into the picture.

But the kind of person (we will say a “wife” though this can also be a trap a man married to a narcissist can be snared by)…the kind of person I want to write about here is the wife who chooses to stay with the wicked man and to even participate with him, defend him, enable him, in his evil deeds.

I have seen t his very scenario a number of times. A wife, knowing full well what her husband is, nevertheless chooses to not just remain with him, but to become an accomplice in his sins and crimes. Sapphria, you see. She had full knowledge of what her husband was doing and she chose to participate in it. And Peter said to her, “Tell me whether you sold the land for so much.” And she said, “Yes, for so much.” Guilty.

You do not want to be a Sapphira. Not for money, not for security, not for image and reputation. Sapphira’s sin was that of taking active participation in her husband’s evil. It is the sin of knowing your spouse is a RASN (reviler, abuser, sociopath, narcissist) and yet choosing his/her side. A victim becoming an ally. In the cases which I have seen personally, there seemed to be a specific “tipping point” at which the victim morphed into the abuser’s ally. The change was dramatic, happening literally in a moment of time. It is a kind of treason – to choose the enemy side and stand with evil.

That is what Sapphira did. In doing so, she incurred God’s wrath and judgment and ended in the same pit as her husband. Be courageous! Stand for Christ no matter the cost. Sapphira’s way is Broadway and it ends in hell.

RASNs Love to Make Others Feel Stupid

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On March 25, 2025

In Abusers

Colossians 4:6  Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person.

The RASNs (reviler, abuser, sociopath, narcissist) words are anything but gracious. In sooo many ways they are, as Paul puts it in Romans, the poison of asps, a stabbing sword. And one very common way RASNs use their words to inflict harm is by speaking in a way so as to make their target feel stupid. Let me give you an example.

Many years ago when I was a new pastor, we lived way up in the mountains of western Montana. In our church, though as I recall they were not members, there was a couple who evidenced no real signs of being born again. The husband worked for the forestry department and also had a pack of hounds which he used to chase cougar. Every winter we got lots of snow, so we would see all kinds of various animal tracks when we were out in the woods – deer, elk, cougar, marten, rabbit and so on.

Well, one day when we had not lived there very long, I saw what I thought must be cougar tracks in the snow following a creek back in the woods a couple miles from out home. So I told this man about it and he wanted to come and look at the tracks, which he did. I pointed them out to him and he looked at me like I was an idiot, making me feel stupid just from his tone and expression. The reason was that these were dog tracks, not cougar prints. I asked him what the difference was and he told me and it made sense. If you have a house cat, then you know that their claws retract, while those of a dog do not. So a dog’s track will show their claw while a cat track (like a cougar) will not. I was glad to learn that, but I wasn’t happy to be made to feel stupid.

Now, this fellow was a fool when it comes to the truly important matters of life. Things like his soul, the character of the holy, holy, holy God, that he was born into sin, and so on. His real sinful nature evidenced itself in the incident with the cougar tracks. Why does a person feel that they need to exalt themselves and ridicule anyone who doesn’t know something that they know? It is because of the arrogant sin in them. Because of their mindset of entitlement and self-appointed superiority.

And this is exactly how RASNs operate. They characteristically want to make those they want to control feel stupid. Often, because we don’t realize just what a RASN is, we end up feeling that we are stupid. This tactic is meant to put us under the RASNs control. I have seen this evil weapon used soooo often against me and against others. It is wicked. A wife, for instance, who is married to a domestic abuser, very typically comes to believe that she really is stupid and worthless, when in fact she is quite intelligent and wise. But that intelligence is a threat to the abuser’s control so he works to erode it.

The real fool is the one who wants to make others out to be fools, and to do so for his own self-glory and self-exaltation. Don’t fall for it.

RASNs Make Themselves the Victim – and YOU the Culprit

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On March 20, 2025

In Abusers

Malachi 1:1-2a  The oracle of the word of the LORD to Israel by Malachi.  (2)  “I have loved you,” says the LORD. But you say, “How have you loved us?”

Malachi 1:6  “A son honors his father, and a servant his master. If then I am a father, where is my honor? And if I am a master, where is my fear? says the LORD of hosts to you, O priests, who despise my name. But you say, ‘How have we despised your name?’

Malachi 2:13-14  And this second thing you do. You cover the LORD’s altar with tears, with weeping and groaning because he no longer regards the offering or accepts it with favor from your hand.  (14)  But you say, “Why does he not?”

Malachi 3:8  Will man rob God? Yet you are robbing me. But you say, ‘How have we robbed you?’

Do you see the pattern here? These wicked, unfaithful Israelites were guilty of all kinds of sins against the Lord. But what did they do? They blamed the Lord. Each time He revealed their sins, they responded with a “pious” question which was actually an accusation against the Lord. “How have we….?” THEY were the victims you see. Things were not going well because the Lord was not blessing them, and yet it was HIS fault, not theirs.

This is a perfect example of how RASNS (revilers, abusers, sociopaths, narcissists) wickedly make themselves out to be the victim, and turn the real victim into the culprit. The RASNs gullible and often cowardly allies believe the accusation and side with the wicked one.

I may have told you of my experience when I first came to our church here 32 years ago. There was a woman who was a gifted pianist and the choir director. She was also a full-blown RASN (you pick which of the 4 categories). She refused to work with me in selecting and planning the music portion of the worship service, announcing that “this is MY area and I don’t work with anyone else.” Rather a remarkably sinful attitude wouldn’t you say. And the previous pastor had appointed her to this key position!!

She knew early on that I was not going to permit this attitude and so she made herself out to be the victim of my “unkindness.” Her adult son came up to me one Sunday and said, “we all know that my mother is a bitter woman, but we love her anyway and you just need to be kind to her.” Another man (a narcissist himself) who was the chairman of the deacon board chastised me at a board meeting for “getting on the wrong side of this lady. WE all choose to love her.” The rest of the deacon board, predictably, responded in cowardice and also blamed me. One of them, in fact, had gone to her behind my back and told her that I had talked about problems with her at the last board meeting. Ultimately I confronted the woman in front of the church and she stormed out in anger, sonny boy going along with her.

This is how RASNs operate. They make themselves out to be the victim when in fact they are the devil’s children themselves. I could tell you story after story of this very dynamic from my experience as a pastor over 42 years now. The person who exposes and/or stands up to the RASN is made out to be the one at fault. A RASN will never examine themselves to see their own sin and confess it. Not gonna happen. Stop waiting for it to happen. It isn’t. Not. Never.

RASNs will even blame and accuse God before they will admit their own sin, just as these Israelites were doing in Malachi’s day. YOU are the problem. Never them. Never. No one is allowed to point out the RASNs sins and if they do, they will be punished. The RASN, like an evil dictator, will set out to gain allies to his side, convincing the gullible that he/she has been grievously abused by – YOU.

Understanding these things is the road to freedom. As long as we naively believe that someday the RASN will change, admit their wrongs, ask for your forgiveness, or worse – that WE really have somehow wronged them – we are going to remain enslaved to them. The truth is what sets us free.

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