A man of this world, exposed only to worldly influences [devoid of the Spirit] – to influences arising from the present sensory things – from ‘all that is in the world, the lust of the eye, the lust of the flesh, and the pride of life, which are of the world and not of God,’ – may become worse, but he will never become better.
John Brown, Geneva Commentary on Galatians
Many if not most local churches, pastors, counselors, and professing Christians, believe they can make an evil person ‘better.’ This fallacy is at the heart of most of what parades as “Christian” counseling today. If only they can expose the domestic abuser, for example, to enough positive influence, surely he/she will see the error of their ways and amend. That is the idea.
It is not the idea of the Bible.
When a sinner is born again through faith in Christ, far more happens than just forgiveness of sins (which itself of course is a wonderful thing). The sinner is made a brand new person – a new creation who is now a citizen of the new world to come – the kingdom of God it is called. He is given a new heart where there used to be a hardened, unbelieving heart set totally against the Lord. He is given a new mind which is continually renewed so that increasingly his mind conforms to Christ’s truth. His conscience is cleansed. He hears Jesus, he is taught the truth as it is in Jesus, he is led by the Spirit within him.
1John 3:9-10 No one born of God makes a practice of sinning, for God’s seed abides in him; and he cannot keep on sinning, because he has been born of God. (10) By this it is evident who are the children of God, and who are the children of the devil: whoever does not practice righteousness is not of God, nor is the one who does not love his brother.
All of these things are true of EVERY genuine Christian. NONE of them are true of counterfeit Christians.
Now, with all of these things in mind, how is it that so much of what claims to be Christendom denies that these truths are not true? How is it that so many professing Christians in thought and practice insist that a person who walks in sin, who abuses his/her spouse, who has a sense of entitlement and superiority over others, who is enslaved to porn…is still a Christian but who just needs the counselor’s “help.”?
Helping a real Christian understand the evil of abuse which they have been subjected to, to help them see how this evil thinks and what its tactics are – now there is valid counseling. Teaching from God’s Word truth that sets us free in other words. Not God’s truth mixed up with man’s psychology and “wisdom.” No, the pure truth of God’s Word.
When Paul told the Corinthian church to expel the wicked man from among them (see 1 Cor 5), he did not tell them to send him to counseling so he would see the error of his ways. No, he told them to have nothing to do with him, not to associate with people who claim to be Christians but who walk in sin. Paul did not tell them to “fix” the guy. Put him out into the world where he belongs!
Many of you have probably felt sometimes, having been the target of evil, like that poor woman Jesus healed:
Luke 8:43 And there was a woman who had had a discharge of blood for twelve years, and though she had spent all her living on physicians, she could not be healed by anyone.
Only when her path crossed with Christ’s was she healed. How many of you have trusted and trusted and hoped and hoped that all these “physicians” would surely be able to “heal” your abuser and make him a changed man? It didn’t work, did it? Hopes up. Hopes dashed. Over and over again. The foundational problem is that a domestic abuser or RASN of other varieties is simply unsaved, dead in his sins, a slave to the devil, desiring the same things as his infernal father. Such a man will never get better. He will (count on it) get worse.
Wendy
Before we were married my spouse claimed to be “Christian” spoke of a salvation experience and claimed a change of heart/desire from worldly things and for me & most of those outside looking in it seemed to be true. I was taken in by this man, believing what his mouth said because there did seem to be fruit. He knew the Gospel, he knew the truth, and was good at pretending. But throughout 17 years of marriage and after a lot of emotional abuse, spiritual abuse, and financial abuse I was in a daze of confusion because his mouth didn’t ever seem to line up with his heart. After many attempts at marriage counseling he could convince all of them initially with his mouth, but his actions would eventually show his heart. When the counselors were catching onto his facade he would quit the counseling. He played the part well for many years but in the end drunkenness, adultery, homosexuality, and even more perverse and destructive behavior showed his true colors not just to me, but to everyone. He wasn’t hiding it anymore. After the divorce, he would come around and claim victimhood when he needed supply, but the manipulation and lack of repentance shined through when he wasn’t given an immediate response. I learned not to respond to his texts or messages and would wait no matter how much he tried to get a response. His true colors & entitlement would always tell on him. They don’t change, some just put on a very good mask that can fool even the most discerning for a while. I’ve learned that waiting tells you a lot about these kinds of people.
Jeff Crippen
Thankyou. Real wisdom here and as you remind us, it isn’t easy to gain.
SJH
I equate RASNs with rabid animals – they cannot be treated (changed), are aggressive and dangerous, and want to infect (bite) others. There is no cure and they will deteriorate/worseness as the disease progresses.
There is effective post-exposure treatment for the targets/victims – if administered properly.
Jeff Crippen
Yes! Thank you.
Maria
My lovely daughter married an Indian man who has narcissistic disorder.
In the beginning of dating she tried so hard to convince him to be a Christian.
He pretended to accept Christianity and she agreed to marry him. He totally isolated her from the family, I could not see her. She does not have a job, no car. I visited her recently and she was screaming at me and blaming me for everything that I left her by herself. Everything was my fault and she thanked me for advising her to marry this person from India. I made a horrible mistake, I did not recognise an evel. I think his mother is a Narcissist too who damaged him. She calls both of them every day, sometimes twice a day. She controls everything.
I lost my daughter because of them. She never ever acted and behaved like this before. We always were very close. I connected to the Hot line and described the situation and the person admitted to domestic abuse and financial abuse.
They totally stopped going to the church, he was rude and sarcastic to me.
I connected to the wife of the minister and she is willing to help, but I do not believe it. She calls them family and like I read above the church always tries to save marriage.
My daughter needs to run from this evil as fast as she can, but she is deeply brainwashed by them and I do not know what to do. No legal help in this situation. He abuses her mentally, I can see her scars. Nobody can see it because it is not visible, no bruises on her face and body.
I need to save my daughter and I do not know how!!!!
Iris Jane
Maria, I am praying for you and your daughter, I’m so sorry you are both going through this.
I’m praying your daughter’s heart will be moved to be set free from her ‘captors’, and that you both will be able to once again be close.
God bless you for caring so much, many parents don’t see the abuse or care to get involved.
(Comment edited by moderator. We do not publish reader recommendations to other websites or resources as we cannot be thoroughly familiar with them all)
IrisJane
I had recommended to Maria Natalie Hoffman’s Flying Free which Pastor Crippen has been a guest on so it should be familiar and vetted. There is a Facebook page, a website, and the private forum. I’m sorry it wasn’t recognized because it would be extremely helpful for someone like Maria and her daughter. It is for Christian women and has an incredibly strong reputation for helping these women get out of abusive marriages.