Unholy Charade - Jeff Crippen

Unmasking the Domestic Abuser in the Church

Author: Jeff Crippen Page 36 of 88

Do we Really Want to be Well?

By

On May 4, 2022

In Getting Free

Gen 12:1-4 Now the LORD said to Abram, “Go from your country and your kindred and your father’s house to the land that I will show you. (2) And I will make of you a great nation, and I will bless you and make your name great, so that you will be a blessing. (3) I will bless those who bless you, and him who dishonors you I will curse, and in you all the families of the earth shall be blessed.” (4) So Abram went, as the LORD had told him, and Lot went with him. Abram was seventy-five years old when he departed from Haran.

I want to talk today about a subject that is very easily misunderstood – and I do not want you to misunderstand. I know very well, very, very well, that leaving an abuser or other evil relationship is not only not easy, it is often for the moment not even possible. What I am about to say here is NOT meant to guilt-trip any victim whose doors to escape are for the present time not open.

But what I do want to say is as in the title above – “do you want to be made well?” That is to say, do you want to leave the bondage? Do you want to leave Egypt? Or in the end, is your choice to stay in Egypt eating those leeks and garlic that the enemy has duped you into thinking look pretty good in contrast to the unknown of walking by faith through the Red Sea?

I have worked with many, many victims of domestic abusers and others who are targets of some other evil family member, employer, church leader, etc. While the majority hesitate to leave for a time because they really haven’t come to realize what abuse is and what is really happening to them, there are some who, having seen the abuse with clarity, choose to stay in it. These are the ones who do not want to be made well.

Why do such people choose to stay? There are numbers of reasons. Financial security is a common one I have seen. These people are married to a wealthy person and they are living pretty well. They don’t want to leave because it will mean giving up the money. I had one such person tell me, “I would be a fool to leave all of this.” And that just after pleading with me to help her deal with her abusive “christian” husband. By the way – if you pour your energy into trying to help this kind, in the end I guarantee you, they will hate you. YOU will be the guilty one for myriads of reasons they dream up.

Another reason for refusing to leave in cases like this is related to the money, but it has to do with reputation. Image. Being married to their abuser who happens to be a big man in the community means the “name” will rub off onto her (or sometimes him). And another “by the way,” – eventually anyone who tries to help such a victim will also end up being the bad guy because the counterfeit nature of the reputation will begin to be exposed.

You know, the Lord Jesus had this to say to us:

Mat 10:34-39 “Do not think that I have come to bring peace to the earth. I have not come to bring peace, but a sword. (35) For I have come to set a man against his father, and a daughter against her mother, and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law. (36) And a person’s enemies will be those of his own household. (37) Whoever loves father or mother more than me is not worthy of me, and whoever loves son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me. (38) And whoever does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me. (39) Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.

So, to abuse victims who want to leave and when they eventually can leave, This is the challenge. Will you obey Christ and follow HIM? Are you willing to pay the price to enter into His freedom? Or will you choose to stay back in Egypt chewing on onions and garlic and telling yourself you are eating filet mignon? Will you believe the Lord, or will you yield to unbelief and choose to reject His good promises?

A Typical Way Abusers Deceive Us

By

On May 2, 2022

In Abusers, Evil

Gal 4:17 They make much of you, but for no good purpose. They want to shut you out, that you may make much of them.

One of the primary reasons we get duped by the wicked and fail to see who they really are, even when their victims tell us, is because 1) the wicked wear disguises, and 2) the wicked can be very charming and draw us into becoming their “friends”.

Think about it. If we come to “know” an evildoer via the disguise he or she wears, and if we enter into what we think is a friendship with them, what is going to happen when their victim tells us about the abuse? We will be so blinded that what she tells us simply does not fit the mental paradigm we have formed from the lie. It will take the Lord turning on the lights in our thinking for us to see the thing clearly. And on top of that, the “thing” is something we don’t want to see. We don’t want it to be true about our “friend.”

I don’t completely know the solution. Are we to just stand off from people and avoid close relationships? I don’t think so. In the church we love one another – if we are born again that is. Perhaps the defense is this:

Heb 5:14 But solid food is for the mature, for those who have their powers of discernment trained by constant practice to distinguish good from evil.

Grow in Christ. Immerse ourselves in His Word. Pray that by His Word and Spirit we grow wiser and wiser in His wisdom so that we can see what is good and what is evil.

When Our Shepherds Go Wrong, We are in Big Trouble

By

On April 27, 2022

In Churches/Church Response

Malachi 2:7-9, “For the lips of a priest should guard knowledge, and people should seek instruction from his mouth, for he is the messenger of the LORD of hosts. (8) But you have turned aside from the way. You have caused many to stumble by your instruction. You have corrupted the covenant of Levi, says the LORD of hosts, (9) and so I make you despised and abased before all the people, inasmuch as you do not keep my ways but show partiality in your instruction.”

God had a case with the priests.  The people had returned to the land, rebuilt under the leadership of Ezra and Nehemiah, spurred on by the prophets Haggai and Zechariah.  Now they were stumbling again.  And God hammers the spiritual leaders for it.  I have no doubt that His words apply directly to our condition today.

What SHOULD be happening in our churches under the ministry of godly leaders?

  • They should be teaching the Lord’s truth – knowledge,
  • The people should be able to go to their shepherds and know that the instruction they receive will be the message of the Lord

What IS the far-to-common case in our churches however?

  • The shepherds have turned aside from the way
  • Their instruction causes the people to stumble under a heavy load
  • They show partiality in their ministry

God sees it and knows it.  He has a case against those who are doing this to His people.

Now, I know full well that there are some, here and there, faithful pastors ministering for Christ. And I am not trying to sit back and be the self-righteous “I am the only one left” kind of Elijah.  I do not enjoy having to say these things, believe it or not.  Frankly it frightens me to have to say it because if what I am saying is true, then the evangelical church of our day is in one huge, terrible mess.

And yet story after story after story comes to us every week now it seems, describing the treatment that the weak and oppressed are receiving at the hands of their churches.  I would have to be willfully blind to claim it isn’t happening.  Story after story after story of sexual abuse.  Of domestic abuse. And of cover-up.  Of church leaders rendering judgment in favor of the wicked.

Arguing that this is mostly caused by ignorance will only get us off the hook so far.  But it cannot explain what is happening completely.  What does explain this sorry state of affairs is Malachi’s description of the sinning priests of his day.  They had turned aside from Christ to their own way.  They teach things that cause Christ’s sheep to stumble. They side with those who can benefit them the most rather than being impartial in their judgments.

Yes, I know very well that to the average church member it doesn’t look this way.  People who talk like I am talking here are going to be labeled as paranoid, self-glorifying, dooms-dayers.  But I challenge – no, I double and triple-dog  dare anyone, to sit down and read and listen to the victims of this terrible injustice that I read every week, and still maintain that I am overstating the case.  The rising tide of the outcry is growing and growing and I do not think that the church is going to be able to continue to ignore it.  At least I pray not.  The cat is out of the bag and that cat has no intention of crawling back inside it.  Victims of abuse who have come into the light and now understand what has happened to them, both at the hands of their abuser and at the hands of their church, are just not the kind of folks who tend to shut up about it.

What is the solution?  Guess what, it isn’t really very complicated at all.  “Return to Me, and I will return to you.”  But keep refusing, keep turning a deaf ear and blind eye to the plight of the weak and oppressed, well, here it is in the Lord’s own words:

Malachi 2:1-2, “And now, O priests, this command is for you. (2) If you will not listen, if you will not take it to heart to give honor to my name, says the LORD of hosts, then I will send the curse upon you and I will curse your blessings. Indeed, I have already cursed them, because you do not lay it to heart.”

What Does it Feel Like to Not be Believed?

By

On April 25, 2022

In Supporting Victims

One of the most important things we can do to help victims of abuse is believe them when they tell us what is going on behind the scenes. If you have been following this blog for a while, you have probably seen that we have been attacked by some pretty nasty types who accuse us of believing reports of abuse “no matter what,” and most of them are tee’d off because they are still stuck in the world of “those cursed anti-God feminists run things and no one ever believes the man.” We who are in the know about the mentality and nature of abuse understand that just the opposite is true — with some exceptions. Namely, that the typical scenario is that it is the abuser (who is most typically a man) is the one who is being believed, not the victim.

But we stand by this principle. The best thing, and the wisest thing that we can do to help abuse victims is to believe them when they tell us and ask us for help. Think about it. How many women, especially Christian women, are going to be people who “just want to dump the guy and take him for all they can” and choose to do so by going to their pastor or fellow church members and accusing their spouse of abuse? Is that a tried and proven way to get support? Is that the easy way to get out of a marriage? Hardly. Just ask the many abuse victims we know if they had a pleasant experience when they went this route!

No. Typically, genuine abuse victims are not believed by their Christian friends, pastors, or families. They are often not believed by the police (that has changed somewhat for the better). And in the end it is the victim who is portrayed and punished as the culprit. Abuse victims find that very few people believe them and are willing to stand with them.

How does that feel? Have you ever KNOWN something was true and yet no one would believe you? The wicked are often quite adept at lying and deception. Victims see them lying and manipulating others, and they see people believing these lies. They see people who perhaps were even friends turn against them and embrace the evil one. And they see this happen EVEN when the victim is able to offer substantial supporting proof! Believing the abuser, you see, is to believe the one who holds the cards of power. Believing the abuser is the easy way to keep your own hide out of trouble. Believing the victim on the other hand can prove to be quite costly.

When people who claim to be our fellow brothers and sisters in Christ, or who are supposed to be shepherding our souls, or who are charged with protecting the innocent from the guilty, simply will not believe us, we experience great pain and sorrow. We feel accused and demeaned and shamed. We feel betrayed  — because in fact we have been betrayed.
So take care, all you who claim to be shepherds of Christ’s church. Take care, all of you who claim to belong to Christ and insist that you are seekers and lovers of His truth. The truth is often ugly. The truth very typically entails facts about the deeds of darkness that have been hidden from sight all the while destroying victims. Take heed that you do not reject the oppressed and refuse to believe them simply because to do so would be too unpleasant for you.

How the Wicked Alienate People from the Righteous

By

On April 20, 2022

In Evil

Gal 4:13-17 You know it was because of a bodily ailment that I preached the gospel to you at first, (14) and though my condition was a trial to you, you did not scorn or despise me, but received me as an angel of God, as Christ Jesus. (15) What then has become of your blessedness? For I testify to you that, if possible, you would have gouged out your eyes and given them to me. (16) Have I then become your enemy by telling you the truth? (17) They make much of you, but for no good purpose. They want to shut you out, that you may make much of them.

The Apostle Paul was often maligned by enemies of the gospel who came in behind him and worked their evil spells to alienate the people he had preached to and who embraced him and his message of salvation in Christ. The goal of these enemies was to alienate the churches from Paul and, in the end, from Christ. They attributed selfish motives to Paul. They criticized his method and message. All the while exalting themselves. They want to shut you out that you may make much of them. There it is.

Wicked people (often parading as Christians) typically work their evil by doing all they can to alienate friends, family, other Christians from the wicked one’s target. Many if not most of you have experienced this very thing. Domestic abuse scenarios very often exhibit this painful dynamic. Children won over by the abuser, alienated from the abuse victim. Even long-time friends are poisoned by the venom.

2Co 10:10 For they say, “His letters are weighty and strong, but his bodily presence is weak, and his speech of no account.”

The “they” Paul is referring to here are the wicked ones who are at work to turn the Corinthian Christians against him. You find this thing evidenced in many of Paul’s epistles as he counters the lies and confronts people with their gullibility. Satan’s tactics are the same today.

We need to be wise. Wicked people disguise themselves as righteous and they lie in order to gain glory for themselves. You have heard me say it before – not everyone who says they are a Christian – is. In fact, I would go so far as to say that the majority of people who claim to be Christians – aren’t. MANY will come to Christ on that Day boasting of all their “christian” service, and He will pronounce them unknown to Him.

More Thoughts on Forgiveness (Part 5)

By

On April 18, 2022

In Getting Free

Our friend’s excellent essay continues on this important subject:

Note what God does not do when He forgives. God does not forgive us from a distance, or privately —we’d all go to hell if He did. I know this is absurd, but He does not forgive so He can heal or so He can avoid “feelings” of revenge or resentment or bitterness because the essence of forgiveness has nothing to do with feelings. It is important to note in the verses I mentioned that when forgiveness occurs, God’s attitude and relationship toward us does change, i.e. ‘retains His anger’ and has compassion on us.

But we also change in our attitude and relationship to God as well. We’re no longer at enmity with God. It’s not like God forgives us while allowing us to go on in our sin. God does not forgive us while we remain His enemies and continues to distance Himself from us. God is the one producing this change, but the relationship does in fact change drastically following forgiveness. This informs us a lot about what forgiveness should look like when we forgive, since we must forgive like Christ. There will be change in the relationship and this change occurs because of repentance on the part of the one who did the sinning. But it goes both ways.

We need to also reflect Christ in His ‘UNforgiveness’ when we don’t forgive others. We actually have authority to withhold forgiveness when it’s wrong to extend it (John 20:23). So if you have a person in your life you can’t forgive, if you’re a genuine Christian, there might be a good reason why.

We need to also look at how forgiveness —and each of its components —plays out in human to human relationships in the Bible. This will teach us what particular aspects of God’s forgiveness don’t play out exactly the same in human relationships. One classic story is with Joseph and his brothers, who betrayed him horribly and sold him into slavery out of pure envy and hatred.

People are always in awe of how forgiving Joseph is of his brothers. But they don’t emphasize the fact that it was probably about 20 years later that he did this, if you add up all the years he was gone. He had time to process what happened, and to heal, and to be able to look back on the events and see a purpose in them. No doubt such a betrayal must have been extremely traumatic for him, and would not have been able to forgive right away. I think that should be very understandable with any of us who experience betrayal at the hands of wicked family or church members or anyone we should have been able to trust.

More Thoughts on Forgiveness: Part 4

By

On April 13, 2022

In Biblical Teaching

[This is the fourth installment from our friend’s essay on forgiveness. Many thanks to her once again] –

Another aspect we see in God’s forgiveness is that it does not remove consequences in this life. David sinned twice, with Bathsheba and when he numbered the people. Both times God forgave him, but also gave him some kind of consequences afterwards. Saul of Tarsus persecuted the church and after he repented, he ended up getting the persecutions he inflicted on others. I don’t think that’s a coincidence. God forgave Moses when he disobeyed, and gave him consequences. God really does have a way to make sure that no one gets away with sin or makes light of sin. He’s incredibly just, while He forgives. This is how we show GRACE to someone who has sinned. The cancer must be rooted out, not ignored.

To sum it all up to this point, God’s forgiveness teaches us that it is a transaction between two parties, that it’s essentially a pardoning of guilt, it requires repentance and justice—the debt must be paid for, it does not eliminate consequences, and it leads to reconciliation—of some kind.

This is the part that gets tricky with people relationships. There is room for discernment here because there are situations where a relationship should not be restored. It is possible to violate a person so deeply that it would be unwise to restore that relationship. For example, rape or adultery against another person— if by some miracle the perpetrator repents this does not mean that the two people involved need to be friends or in any kind of relationship again. If such a person does repent, I would consider it “reconciliation” to merely acknowledge the offender’s genuine repentance if the evidence is there.

Or a situation where someone is getting divorced for being abused. Let’s say hypothetically the abuser repents, even then the fact that that marriage covenant was violated so horribly to the core, it would be right for the offender to accept the consequences of the divorce permanently. If it were even possible for the abuser to repent in that case, and gets saved for real this time, I would consider it “reconciliation” to think of this offender as no longer an enemy. That’s it. Sometimes being on good terms with a person is also reconciliation, especially if after many years of separation they have moved on. How we apply this requires wisdom, but the relationship is affected in some way, and it needs to be left up to the offended person to decide what to do with the relationship.

[To be continued]

More Thoughts on Forgiveness (Part 5)

More Thoughts on Forgiveness: Part 3

By

On April 11, 2022

In Biblical Teaching, Counseling, Evil

We continue with our friend’s very helpful essay on forgiveness – what it really is, who actually forgives, and just what forgiveness requires. As you know, this is a subject which is so often twisted and misapplied, to the enablement of the wicked and the detriment of the oppressed. Many thanks once more to our sister in Christ:

The reason for the need for forgiveness is obviously guilt resulting from our rebellion. This tells us something that’s key here and which has an impact on the meaning and necessity for forgiveness. Sin puts a breach in relationships — which is why relationships get awkward when we are sinned against. Our sin against God cuts off our fellowship with God. In His justice, He must punish us, unless He has a way of forgiving us. But even then He must still hold His justice, which means someone has to be punished in our stead. There’s no way around this. Genuine forgiveness addresses genuine guilt. It is only because of Christ that God can be just and at the same time the justifier – of the one who has faith in Jesus.

If God cannot leave guilt unaddressed, then neither should we when we forgive. The guilty person needs forgiveness because he’s guilty. God does not forgive in a vacuum or because He “needs to heal”.

God has no need to forgive in order to feel better about Himself.

The guilty person needs something here. God’s forgiveness is for the sake of the offender – it is not self-focused on the part of the one who forgives.

The goal for forgiveness is “let [the sinner] return to the Lord”. So the ultimate purpose for forgiveness is restoration of the formerly broken relationship, or reconciliation, through repentance and justice being met.. While forgiveness is not the same thing as reconciliation, it is two sides of the same coin, just like faith and repentance are not the same, but you can’t have one without the other. This is something that gets tricky in human relationships, (because we can’t change people the way God can) but from God’s standpoint, when God forgives someone He also reconciles with that person. This does not mean that we need to reconcile with unsafe people. This raises the bar for what forgiveness should look like, but this also raises the bar for how we ought to deal with sin. If we take sin lightly, we will treat forgiveness lightly.

Which is why…another aspect we see in God’s forgiveness… is the prerequisite for it that must be met. The guilty person must forsake his sin, and return to the Lord. Repentance is a prerequisite, and especially genuine repentance, for that matter. We can’t fake it with God. There are no exceptions to this. Every single person who repents, God forgives, and essentially becomes a Christian. Every single person who does not repent ends up in hell, forever unforgiven. So the more correct way to say it is: when God forgives a sinner He reconciles with a CHANGED person.

God does reconciles with His FORMER enemy—but he’s an enemy no longer— and never with an unrepentant sinner. It’s repentance that makes forgiveness possible and that CHANGE of heart that makes reconciliation possible.

More Thoughts on Forgiveness (Part 4)

Making Little of Abuse

By

On April 6, 2022

In False Teaching

This is a quote from the Reformation Heritage Study Bible. There are a series of good articles at the back, but the essay on “Being a Good Wife” ends with this paragraph after a discussion of the godly wife:

Some men are difficult to respect and submit to; their wives have the challenging task of rising above their behavior and taking the high road of obeying God (1 Peter 3:1-2). Such a wife is not a doormat, she may not enable or approve sin, but she exercises tough love. She will need to pray for fortitude. She hopes and prays he will be sanctified by her example (1 Cor 7:10-17). Blessings will follow the godly wife when she follows God’s plan for marriage, and those around her will be blessed as well.

Difficult to respect and submit to. A challenging task. Rise above his behavior. Obey God. Can you guess what the author of this article would say about divorcing an abuser? Stay with him. Endure the abuse. But don’t enable or approve of his sin. What? In fact, it’s her job to save him.

So her marriage is one in which she is bound to a man who is “difficult,” whose behavior is sinful, who requires her to plead with God for courage to stay married to him, and yet it is God’s plan that she remain in that bondage.

I cannot find the identity of this article’s author listed anywhere, but the General Editor of this study Bible is Joel Beeke. I appreciate much of Beeke’s writings but more than once I have seen this very kind of teaching from him when it comes to marriage and family.

A Wonderful Article: A High View of Marriage Includes Divorce by Rebecca VanDoodewaard

By

On April 4, 2022

In Biblical Teaching, Getting Free

The following link is to a really great article which was posted on Barry York’s blog, Gentle Reformation (gentlereformation.com). Rebecca is the wife of a history professor at Puritan Theological Seminary, so it was very encouraging to me to read this. It is dated back in 2017 but a friend just called my attention to it. Thank you Rebecca!

So, here you go. Click Here to Read.

Page 36 of 88

Previous

Next