Unholy Charade - Jeff Crippen

Unmasking the Domestic Abuser in the Church

Author: Jeff Crippen Page 3 of 86

Are You Ever Sorry that You said “I’m Sorry?” –

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On May 5, 2025

In Abusers, forgiveness, RASN

Psalms 109:1-5  To the choirmaster. A Psalm of David. Be not silent, O God of my praise!  (2)  For wicked and deceitful mouths are opened against me, speaking against me with lying tongues.  (3)  They encircle me with words of hate, and attack me without cause.  (4)  In return for my love they accuse me, but I give myself to prayer.  (5)  So they reward me evil for good, and hatred for my love.

Psalm 109 is one of the most powerful imprecatory Psalms. The Psalmist calls down imprecations upon the wicked. An imprecation is a spoken curse. This Psalm, incidentally, is quoted in the New Testament and applied to the betrayer of Christ – see Acts 1:20.

Scriptures like this refute the tired, false claim that “God loves everybody.” God Himself curses the wicked and here the Psalmist is praying that the Lord would do the same to his enemies.

One common result of these vile, wicked actions of people like revilers, abusers, sociopaths, and narcissists, is that they often goad us into saying “I’m sorry.” Taking the blame for things they accuse us of, but of which we are not guilty. And yet, we say “I’m sorry.” I bet most of you have done this and then later, after the lights went on for you, you regretted doing so. The “I’m sorry” responses of abuse victims only fuel the devilish ego of the wicked and serve to maintain their power and control.

One very typical indicator that a person is the victim of a RASN is this very thing – they frequently say “I’m sorry.” Even to others besides their abuser. Why? Because they have been programmed to be guilty. The “I’m sorry” becomes an automatic response whenever they are falsely accused and transfers even to other scenarios. Someone may spill coffee, for instance, and the abuse victim responds, “I’m sorry” even though they weren’t the ones who spilled. They don’t mean “I’m so sorry your coffee got spilled.” No. What they mean is that somehow they are to blame, that they in some way contributed to the spill.

This is what Satan does. He programs the righteous to accept blame. He isn’t called the “accuser of the brethren” for nothing. And his evil servants carry out the same diabolical tactic.

Yes, there have been times when I said “I’m sorry” which I now regret. But we must not be too hard on ourselves. RASNs are master deceivers and manipulators. They have the same DNA as the devil – they are his children. What we can do is learn and grow wise to this business and stop being so quick to regard ourselves as the ones who owe an apology.

Psalms 109:16-17  For he did not remember to show kindness, but pursued the poor and needy and the brokenhearted, to put them to death.  (17)  He loved to curse; let curses come upon him! He did not delight in blessing; may it be far from him!

A Person Devoid of Love – It is Difficult to Imagine

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On May 1, 2025

In Abusers, Getting Free

1 John 4:7-8  Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God.  (8)  Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love.

Most of you know that RASNs (revilers, abusers, sociopaths, narcissists) are characterized by a lack of empathy. Perhaps you have even learned the truth that such people do not love. But have you really thought about this trait carefully. It is, after all, very hard for us to grasp.

“Anyone who does not love does not know God.” John tells us that there are indeed people who do not love. This doesn’t mean just sometimes. It doesn’t mean that they have very little love. No. It means they do not love ever, that they are entirely devoid of love.

Now, such people mask it. They fake love. They put on their disguise, but it is all a facade. Their heart is a vacuum, a black hole where love is not to be found. This is why they can walk away from a longstanding relationship as if a switch were thrown. They do not sense any loss because without love they never truly valued anyone else.

There are MANY of these kind of people around us. They are not a rarity. They have no compassion. They lack any ability to empathize with others. Love is what enables us to value other people, but where love is absent, other people are – valueless.

It is a very painful and devastating thing to experience this in someone whom you thought loved you – maybe even over a long period of time, as in a marriage. But the day comes when that cold heart is expressed in their face, in their tone of voice, and in their cruelty. Who can imagine it? And yet it is t here, and it is real. Such a person never loved you at all. Ever. Realizing this is very hurtful, and yet it is a necessary first step to getting free.

Refusal to Accept Truth is a Mark of the RASN

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On April 23, 2025

In Narcissist

Have I then become your enemy by telling you the truth?
(Galatians 4:16)

“If you want to be respected, then stop getting angry when you are told the truth.” That is a great quote I heard recently in a video about Winston Churchill. His wife, Clementine, had passed on some constructive criticism and Winston didn’t take it well. Now, I do not believe Churchill was a narcissist, but Clementine’s words certainly apply to what I call the RASN (reviler, abuser, sociopath, or narcissist).

RASNs demand what they call “respect.” It isn’t really respect, but more akin to something like being worshipped and served. However, being the fools that they are (evil always makes a person a fool), they sabotage any respect by refusing to accept truth about themselves. RASNs refuse to self-examine. Introspection is not in their mentality. They are not to blame. And thus they rage when told the truth about themselves.

RASNs, being the shame-enslaved people that they are, could never and will never pray as David did:

Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! And see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting! (Psalms 139:23-24)

None of us enjoy being shown sin within ourselves. Conviction is painful. Repentance is hard, and yet if we truly know the Lord, if we are born again, we will come to confess our sin and ask the Lord’s forgiveness because of Christ. Not so the RASN. Anyone who dares to point out sin to such a one will be met with hostility and blame.

If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. (1 John 1:8)

In the end, the RASN loses the respect he craves. He will need to move on to new pastures where his disguised self can win the adulation of others – for a time.

RASNs are Users

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On April 17, 2025

In Abusers, Getting Free

They make much of you, but for no good purpose. They want to shut you out, that you may make much of them.
(Galatians 4:17)

Revilers, abusers, sociopaths, and narcissists never give, they always take. Just as the Apostle Paul warned the Galatians, RASNs flatter, but only so that they can use others – so that YOU may make much of THEM.

The narcissist, for example, views himself/herself as the sun around whom the planets revolve – their only purpose being to exalt this being who considers himself a kind of god. They only exist for his glory. He uses them.

I am sure that most of you can give examples you have experienced in respect to this evil business of being used. Much of this usage is rather covert, but in other cases it is right out there to be seen. RASNs all believe that they are entitled, owed, and to be served.

The targets of these users can often fall prey to this nasty business without realizing they are being used. The thing can go on for years – giving, giving, giving, taking, taking, taking. You give, they take. You give, they use. I told someone recently that I should change all my “usernames” online to the name of some chief user I have known!

Normal people, particularly real Christians, are givers. Like Christ, we are enabled by the Holy Spirit in us and as the new creations that we are, to give. To serve. The greatest in God’s kingdom are those who are servants of all. Christ came and laid down His life, He gave Himself so that we might live. We as His people delight in meeting a need and helping those who need help. But if we are not wise, we in particular can become the target of the user. This is a kind of bondage and it can go on for a long time.

RASNs flatter. They do this because they know that it is a powerful technic with which to enslave. That is Paul’s point in the verse quoted above. They only want to use others for their own evil and selfish ends. And so as they weave their web to ensnare us, they throw compliments, they tell us how wonderful we are, how no one can do something as good as we can, and on and on and on. But before long, sooner than later, they will begin to take. “Oh, could you….you’re so good at this.” It is all a cruel and evil disguise to hide what is really going on. Using. Taking. Draining the bottle dry.

True, authentic, genuine human relationships are not based upon taking. They cannot exist unless both parties are ready to deny themselves and give. The user will never do this. And that is why, for example, victims of domestic abuse, find themselves empty and dried up after years of being used. Give and give and give all you can to a user – it will never be enough. It will never be appreciated. You will never be loved. The thing is a toxin and we need to cease swallowing it.

Don’t be Sapphira

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On April 1, 2025

In Counseling

But a man named Ananias, with his wife Sapphira, sold a piece of property, and with his wife’s knowledge he kept back for himself some of the proceeds and brought only a part of it and laid it at the apostles’ feet. (Acts 5:1-2)

I want to warn everyone about a rather common trap – the trap this woman named Sapphira fell into. At the start, I need to be very clear about what I do NOT mean. I am not talking about a domestic abuse victim, for instance, who is still in a marriage which is no marriage. Getting free, as we all know, is not generally very easy. It often is a complicated matter and sometimes, at least for the present, getting free of an abuser just isn’t possible. Children, economic issues, a place to live – all these factors and more enter into the picture.

But the kind of person (we will say a “wife” though this can also be a trap a man married to a narcissist can be snared by)…the kind of person I want to write about here is the wife who chooses to stay with the wicked man and to even participate with him, defend him, enable him, in his evil deeds.

I have seen t his very scenario a number of times. A wife, knowing full well what her husband is, nevertheless chooses to not just remain with him, but to become an accomplice in his sins and crimes. Sapphria, you see. She had full knowledge of what her husband was doing and she chose to participate in it. And Peter said to her, “Tell me whether you sold the land for so much.” And she said, “Yes, for so much.” Guilty.

You do not want to be a Sapphira. Not for money, not for security, not for image and reputation. Sapphira’s sin was that of taking active participation in her husband’s evil. It is the sin of knowing your spouse is a RASN (reviler, abuser, sociopath, narcissist) and yet choosing his/her side. A victim becoming an ally. In the cases which I have seen personally, there seemed to be a specific “tipping point” at which the victim morphed into the abuser’s ally. The change was dramatic, happening literally in a moment of time. It is a kind of treason – to choose the enemy side and stand with evil.

That is what Sapphira did. In doing so, she incurred God’s wrath and judgment and ended in the same pit as her husband. Be courageous! Stand for Christ no matter the cost. Sapphira’s way is Broadway and it ends in hell.

RASNs Love to Make Others Feel Stupid

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On March 25, 2025

In Abusers

Colossians 4:6  Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person.

The RASNs (reviler, abuser, sociopath, narcissist) words are anything but gracious. In sooo many ways they are, as Paul puts it in Romans, the poison of asps, a stabbing sword. And one very common way RASNs use their words to inflict harm is by speaking in a way so as to make their target feel stupid. Let me give you an example.

Many years ago when I was a new pastor, we lived way up in the mountains of western Montana. In our church, though as I recall they were not members, there was a couple who evidenced no real signs of being born again. The husband worked for the forestry department and also had a pack of hounds which he used to chase cougar. Every winter we got lots of snow, so we would see all kinds of various animal tracks when we were out in the woods – deer, elk, cougar, marten, rabbit and so on.

Well, one day when we had not lived there very long, I saw what I thought must be cougar tracks in the snow following a creek back in the woods a couple miles from out home. So I told this man about it and he wanted to come and look at the tracks, which he did. I pointed them out to him and he looked at me like I was an idiot, making me feel stupid just from his tone and expression. The reason was that these were dog tracks, not cougar prints. I asked him what the difference was and he told me and it made sense. If you have a house cat, then you know that their claws retract, while those of a dog do not. So a dog’s track will show their claw while a cat track (like a cougar) will not. I was glad to learn that, but I wasn’t happy to be made to feel stupid.

Now, this fellow was a fool when it comes to the truly important matters of life. Things like his soul, the character of the holy, holy, holy God, that he was born into sin, and so on. His real sinful nature evidenced itself in the incident with the cougar tracks. Why does a person feel that they need to exalt themselves and ridicule anyone who doesn’t know something that they know? It is because of the arrogant sin in them. Because of their mindset of entitlement and self-appointed superiority.

And this is exactly how RASNs operate. They characteristically want to make those they want to control feel stupid. Often, because we don’t realize just what a RASN is, we end up feeling that we are stupid. This tactic is meant to put us under the RASNs control. I have seen this evil weapon used soooo often against me and against others. It is wicked. A wife, for instance, who is married to a domestic abuser, very typically comes to believe that she really is stupid and worthless, when in fact she is quite intelligent and wise. But that intelligence is a threat to the abuser’s control so he works to erode it.

The real fool is the one who wants to make others out to be fools, and to do so for his own self-glory and self-exaltation. Don’t fall for it.

RASNs Make Themselves the Victim – and YOU the Culprit

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On March 20, 2025

In Abusers

Malachi 1:1-2a  The oracle of the word of the LORD to Israel by Malachi.  (2)  “I have loved you,” says the LORD. But you say, “How have you loved us?”

Malachi 1:6  “A son honors his father, and a servant his master. If then I am a father, where is my honor? And if I am a master, where is my fear? says the LORD of hosts to you, O priests, who despise my name. But you say, ‘How have we despised your name?’

Malachi 2:13-14  And this second thing you do. You cover the LORD’s altar with tears, with weeping and groaning because he no longer regards the offering or accepts it with favor from your hand.  (14)  But you say, “Why does he not?”

Malachi 3:8  Will man rob God? Yet you are robbing me. But you say, ‘How have we robbed you?’

Do you see the pattern here? These wicked, unfaithful Israelites were guilty of all kinds of sins against the Lord. But what did they do? They blamed the Lord. Each time He revealed their sins, they responded with a “pious” question which was actually an accusation against the Lord. “How have we….?” THEY were the victims you see. Things were not going well because the Lord was not blessing them, and yet it was HIS fault, not theirs.

This is a perfect example of how RASNS (revilers, abusers, sociopaths, narcissists) wickedly make themselves out to be the victim, and turn the real victim into the culprit. The RASNs gullible and often cowardly allies believe the accusation and side with the wicked one.

I may have told you of my experience when I first came to our church here 32 years ago. There was a woman who was a gifted pianist and the choir director. She was also a full-blown RASN (you pick which of the 4 categories). She refused to work with me in selecting and planning the music portion of the worship service, announcing that “this is MY area and I don’t work with anyone else.” Rather a remarkably sinful attitude wouldn’t you say. And the previous pastor had appointed her to this key position!!

She knew early on that I was not going to permit this attitude and so she made herself out to be the victim of my “unkindness.” Her adult son came up to me one Sunday and said, “we all know that my mother is a bitter woman, but we love her anyway and you just need to be kind to her.” Another man (a narcissist himself) who was the chairman of the deacon board chastised me at a board meeting for “getting on the wrong side of this lady. WE all choose to love her.” The rest of the deacon board, predictably, responded in cowardice and also blamed me. One of them, in fact, had gone to her behind my back and told her that I had talked about problems with her at the last board meeting. Ultimately I confronted the woman in front of the church and she stormed out in anger, sonny boy going along with her.

This is how RASNs operate. They make themselves out to be the victim when in fact they are the devil’s children themselves. I could tell you story after story of this very dynamic from my experience as a pastor over 42 years now. The person who exposes and/or stands up to the RASN is made out to be the one at fault. A RASN will never examine themselves to see their own sin and confess it. Not gonna happen. Stop waiting for it to happen. It isn’t. Not. Never.

RASNs will even blame and accuse God before they will admit their own sin, just as these Israelites were doing in Malachi’s day. YOU are the problem. Never them. Never. No one is allowed to point out the RASNs sins and if they do, they will be punished. The RASN, like an evil dictator, will set out to gain allies to his side, convincing the gullible that he/she has been grievously abused by – YOU.

Understanding these things is the road to freedom. As long as we naively believe that someday the RASN will change, admit their wrongs, ask for your forgiveness, or worse – that WE really have somehow wronged them – we are going to remain enslaved to them. The truth is what sets us free.

RASNs (Covert Abusers) Keep Us Confused About What they are

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On March 13, 2025

In Getting Free

Whoever hates disguises himself with his lips and harbors deceit in his heart; when he speaks graciously, believe him not, for there are seven abominations in his heart; though his hatred be covered with deception, his wickedness will be exposed in the assembly. (Proverbs 26:24-26)

Those verses nail it! When he speaks graciously, believe him not. I have a note on my desk to remind me of times past – “I didn’t understand what I was really dealing with.” I suspect most all of you can identify with that.

When we do not realize what a RASN (reviler, abuser, sociopath, narcissist) really is, we will not be able to respond to them as we should. And, of course, the RASN capitalizes on this deception by using all kinds of tactics to promote his or her disguise. So, we show them empathy, we excuse them and disregard red flags – because we don’t really grasp the nature of who they really are. We even defend them when others point out troubling things about them to us. It’s all part of the big lie that RASNs are.

We tend to think that other people think like we do – but not all do. RASNs have an entirely different (and wicked) mindset. They do not have good motives. They are, in fact, motivated by SELF and by a demand that all other people serve that self, promote that image, and woe to anyone who refuses to do so. RASNs only love themselves. It is very hard for us to come to terms with the truth that the RASN in our lives NEVER loved us, NEVER was a real friend. But getting free of such people requires that we eventually face up to this fact. The narcissist views those around him as his personal ego-building supply. To him, they have no other purpose. As a result, the narcissist can cast a wife or “friend” off in a moment with no pangs of loss or sadness.

Understanding what a RASN is, is the first step to freedom from the bondage these kind ensnare others with.

Revisiting an Important RASN Tactic of Retaliation

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On March 6, 2025

In Narcissist, RASN

And this is the judgment: the light has come into the world, and people loved the darkness rather than the light because their works were evil. For everyone who does wicked things hates the light and does not come to the light, lest his works should be exposed. (John 3:19-20)

RASNs (revilers, abusers, sociopaths, narcissists) are darkness. They belong to the kingdom of darkness and as such they hate exposure – they hate the light. They wear a disguise and can seem to be light, but behind the facade lurks a child of the devil. “You are of your father the devil,” as Jesus told His enemies.

In this case, the light which RASNs hate is truth. Specifically, truth about themselves and their evil doings. Truth about what God’s Word has to say about them. Everyone who does wicked things hates the light. What does this mean in our experience with them?

It means, for example, that people who are oppressed by RASNs, not just their targeted victims such as the spouse of a domestic abuser, but really everyone and anyone in the circle of the RASNs operations….is forbidden by the RASN from shining light upon the evildoer. In other words, forbidden to speak about who the RASN really is and what the RASN actually does. Forbidden. Verboten. In some ways, to expose the RASN is the crime of all crimes in the eyes of these evildoers. They hate the light lest their works be exposed.

This subject is close to me because I have experienced it repeatedly over the years. Not just in talking to victims of RASNs, but through being targeted myself by these kind. The typical, repeated line spoke through clenched teeth is – you talked about me!! The rage seethes and it flares up in a moment. There is no openness to discuss the truth of what was said. The only subject on the table is YOU! YOU talked about me! No humility. No self-examination. No “oh, wow. I didn’t realize…I’m sorry.” Nope. Those lines never enter the RASNs mind.

You see the same wicked dynamic everyday in the news. What is the typical experience, for instance, of a whistleblower who exposes corruption in the workplace? When corruption and crime has light shined upon it in government, do we see repentance and confession? Hardly. You see the seeking of revenge, the exercise of punishment. Why? Because you talked about me!!

This raging accusation “you talked about me” can be especially powerful in shaming and guilting the whistleblower. Why? Because we have been taught that gossip is a sin. That slander (telling lies about someone) is wrong. So, when we are accused by the RASN of gossiping or slandering them, our auto-response can often be one of guilt. Maybe we have done wrong. “Why didn’t you talk to me about this instead of announcing it to others?!!!” Of course the reason we didn’t talk to the RASN is because we have talked, or tried to talk, to them about their narcissism many times before. What was the result? Did they listen? Of course not. They blamed. They projected. You are the one at fault.

But being light (and often just being light without speaking a word) is enough to incite the rage. RASNs resent children of the Light, who is of course the Lord Jesus Christ. Long before the outbreak the RASN has been growing in his or her contempt for truth and anyone who is walking in the truth. The contempt starts to reveal itself in those smirky looks in the eyes and in that arrogant “Oh yes you are. Oh yes you did.”

[NOTE:The curious thing about these accusations leveled against the RASNs targets is that so often the target/victim cannot remember saying or doing what the RASN is accusing them of. Be on guard for this. If you are accused of “talking about” and yet you cannot recall doing so, that is a huge red flag that something is just not right here]

But even if you do remember exposing the RASN – most likely you did so privately to another person because the evil doings of the RASN had been weighing upon you for so long – don’t fall prey to the guilting and shaming and accusing. When “You talked about me!” is a missile launched against you by a RASN, be prepared to recognize it for what it is. It is darkness hating the light because its deeds are evil.

The Real Culprit in Parental Alienation

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On February 25, 2025

In Abusers, Parental Alienation

2 Corinthians 11:13-15 For such men are false apostles, deceitful workmen, disguising themselves as apostles of Christ. (14) And no wonder, for even Satan disguises himself as an angel of light. (15) So it is no surprise if his servants, also, disguise themselves as servants of righteousness. Their end will correspond to their deeds.

Many of you have found out the hard way that there is something called “parental alienation” which is a tactic very often used against abuse victims in court proceedings. In order to explain why children do not want to live with the abuser, the abuse victim (generally the mother) is accused of turning the children against their father. This subject is huge in child custody proceedings. The children, it is claimed, have been you might say brainwashed by the mother. Parental alienation, you see. In spite of the children’s wishes not to be with the abuser, they are ordered by the court to do so.

Now, is it possible that there are some cases of parental alienation? Yes. In fact there are MANY. But the truth is that the real culprit, the real alienator, is the abuser. You have heard of projection – the very thing the evil one is accusing the victim of is the thing the abuser is doing himself.

Domestic abusers seek power, control, and revenge. They typically want to make the abuse victim suffer. She has dared to leave the marriage. She has dared to take her abuser to court to obtain a just settlement. She has refused to subject herself to the abuse any longer. And one of the “possessions” (that is what abusers view the children as) is the children.

Domestic abusers do not love anyone except themselves. Like thief father the devil, they are all about being the center of the world. Other people exist only to feed their ego, to project the counterfeit image to which all are required to bow down. That is all you are to a RASN (reviler, abuser, sociopath, narcissist). That is all you have ever been and all you ever will be in a relationship with a RASN. And this can be a hard pill to swallow – to come to the realization that your husband or your father NEVER loved you. Never. It has always been all about him (or sometimes her). Relationship with such a person is toxic. It is poison. It tears you down as the RASN uses you.

To prevent being sucked in by the RASN’s deception, we need to first realize and admit that he is indeed a RASN. Once we see this clearly, then we are in a position to interpret his motives. Does he bring the children gifts? His motive is an evil one. Does he take the children to Disneyland? His motive is an evil one. Does he claim to love the children more than their mother does? His motive is an evil one. Everything he does is driven by his lust for power and control. In all of this, the abuser is the parental alienator.

One of the traps we “normals” get sucked into is to think that the RASN is thinking like we do. After all, aren’t we taught in church that love “assumes the best”? And aren’t children supposed to honor their parents? These are the kinds of Scripture which the “christian” RASN distorts and uses. He comes as a sad-eyed puppy seeking our love. But it is a lie. Satan told Adam and Eve that he was looking out for their good. But in fact the Serpent was working a kind of parental alienation – alienating Adam and Eve from God their Father.

How do we teach these things to our children? It isn’t easy. They are so young and inexperienced. They are not naturally wise about evil. And they have this parental bond with the RASN. He is, after all, their earthly father. Children WANT their father to love them. They want to believe him when he says or does things which appear to be acts of love. But they aren’t. They are evil tactics – weapons of deception. And as long as we cling to the fantasy that maybe, maybe, maybe, one day…he will love me…we will remain in bondage. We will be like Charlie Brown trying to kick the football, thinking that maybe THIS time, Lucy won’t pull the ball away at the last second. But she does, and down on our face we go once more.

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