Unholy Charade - Jeff Crippen

Unmasking the Domestic Abuser in the Church

Author: Jeff Crippen Page 17 of 88

When the Narcissist’s Image Building is Embraced by the Whole Family

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On November 22, 2023

In Abusers, Evil, Narcissist

Num 16:27 So they got away from the dwelling of Korah, Dathan, and Abiram. And Dathan and Abiram came out and stood at the door of their tents, together with their wives, their sons, and their little ones.

Narcissists (and actually their kind – revilers, abusers, sociopaths) are always working to build image. Much like Nebuchadnezzar who commanded an image of himself be built and everyone ordered to bow down to it, so the RASN is always, always, always at work propping up an image of himself/herself which others are to bow to. Someone I read recently said that the RASN’s family life is not about family, it is about image. How the RASN and his family are perceived. What the observed persona, reputation, and name are presented as. This is what makes the RASN’s family activities and relationships tick.

Now, sometimes – maybe even with some frequency – the other family members actually buy into this image production. They bow down to the RASN and actually begin to embrace the RASN’s goal of the image. Why? Because there are benefits to be gleaned from doing so, and to be lost if the image is rejected. Monetary benefits. Reception of praise from those who believe the image. “Look at OUR family” is akin to “look at me.” It’s like choosing to live with a celebrity because the celeb status rubs off onto those in close association.

Now, when this dynamic kicks in – and it can be in a family or even in a local church – anyone who exposes the false image, who refuses to bow down to it, will – count on it – be despised, defamed, punished and rejected. That was your experience, right? When you ceased participating in the image building of the abuser? Whistleblowers must be punished.

Entire families, entire churches, can become narcissistic kingdoms wherein all members buy into the image for self-serving benefit. This is why it is so common to see the primary RASN exposed – caught and busted in some wickedness – and yet excused and covered for by the members. I had one wife of a RASN tell me once, “he is a GOOD husband!” when she suspected I doubted that.

It is anything but pleasant to cross paths with such narcissist entities, be it a family or a local church or a business or other entity. Play along, contribute to the image, or else. Such structures have very much in common with the groups that cult leaders construct. Praise, acceptance, material benefit all await those who bow down to the image. Shame, rejection, and withholding are the certain fate of those who refuse.

The Only “Repentance” RASN’s Profess is Manipulative and Fake

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On November 20, 2023

In Abusers, Narcissist, RASN

Rev 6:15-17 Then the kings of the earth and the great ones and the generals and the rich and the powerful, and everyone, slave and free, hid themselves in the caves and among the rocks of the mountains, (16) calling to the mountains and rocks, “Fall on us and hide us from the face of him who is seated on the throne, and from the wrath of the Lamb, (17) for the great day of their wrath has come, and who can stand?”

If there ever were a time that you would expect everyone to truly repent, it would be when they actually see Christ returning to judge them. But what happens? They persist in their evil, they hide themselves from Him, preferring to be buried by boulders than to face up to their sins.

USA Today reported today that David Renteria was executed by lethal injection in Huntsville, Texas. Why? Because in 2001 he had abducted and murdered a little 5 year old girl, Alexandra Flores. She and her parents had gone to Walmart in El Paso to do Christmas shopping. I won’t give you the gruesome details here – you can read them in the news accounts if you choose.

Right in front of her family who were there to watch the execution of this murderer, Renteria said this:

There isn’t a day when I don’t think about what I did. No words can describe what you are going through.”

Sound good? Have his 22 years in prison on death row had a positive effect? After all, he also said, after singing a religious song, “I’m sorry for all the wrongs I have done.”

But…psychopaths and their kind never truly repent. They lie. They pretend. The only “repentance” they exercise is absolutely and thoroughly fake. And guess what? They ALWAYS show us that it is fake. Renteria did not disappoint in this regard:

And for those who have called for my death, who are about to murder me, I forgive you.

And there you have it. He probably tried to pull that same line on the Lord. How well do you suppose that worked for him? He will have eternity to think about it…in hell.

RASNs (think of psychopaths being in that acronym too)…never repent. They never truly confess sin. They project. They blame others. They try to suck pity out of us – and far too often they succeed. Your domestic abuser or that narcissist in your life will pull this repentance claim card on you – count on it. Oh, how convincing they sound. But you can be sure of this every single time, the thing is counterfeit through and through. All designed to accuse you, to elicit sympathy, to gain allies for themselves, and to even further abuse you.

The news story also noted that Renteria, while in prison, had “rededicated himself to his Roman Catholic faith, according to the Texas Coalition to Abolish the Death Penalty. You can be certain that these things were just more of the same fake sham designed to manipulate and deceive the gullible.

Your RASN may not be a murderer (although I have always maintained that the spirit of murder is present in all of them), but the same spiritual DNA is shared by them all. It is as if they attend the same training program in evil. And this fake repentance business is a fundamental course in their diabolic training. Don’t be taken in by it.

False Guilt and Fear – Two Wicked Friends

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On November 15, 2023

In Abusers, Counseling, Evil, Getting Free

1Jn 4:18 There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love.

In some ways I would recommend to you that this subject is one of the top 10 – no, top 3, or let’s just say it is THE TOP subject that shows how we either remain in bondage to evil or how we can be set free from it. However you might choose to rate it, I can confidently say that it is right up there in the most vital and crucial remedies to being a victim or to being set free.

I hope that has your attention.

It’s right there – 1 John 4:18. Fear and punishment. What casts this garbage out? Love. Being perfected in love. In other words, getting a real grip on the love of God in Christ. If you are a Christian, you have passed out of the realm of fear and punishment in your relationship with the Lord. There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. None.

And if you are not a Christian, then The Lord Jesus Christ is your starting point. He is the Gate to life and you cannot bypass Him or you will never be free.

Now, let me paint a picture for you. Let’s say Janet is our abuse survivor. She has separated from the evil spouse and the divorce is almost final. He still lives in the same town, drives the same truck, works at the same place, associates with some of the same old “friends.” Now, Janet has to go to the grocery store…. (see where this is going?)

Instead of shopping at the most convenient locale where she used to shop, Janet drives clear across town to buy her groceries. She does the same when she needs clothes, gets gas, or runs other errands. Why? You know the answer, don’t you?

Because Janet still lives her life in fear. Fear of seeing that truck (she is triggered by most every white truck), fear of running across “him,” fear of crossing paths with some of those old mutual “friends.”

Now, I am not talking about a situation in which the victim is actually at risk of being murdered – though we all know there are plenty of those cases. But Janet’s fear is just this – she is afraid that she will see him, or them. She has wondered a thousand times what she will say if this ever happens. But nothing seems right even if she rehearses the speech over and over. So, she drives across town and even there, she keeps an eye out.

If Janet is not in fear of physical harm, then what is it that Janet is afraid of? The answer brings us back to this business of punishment. Fear has to do with punishment. What punishment? The punishment of guilt. It is false guilt, but you know how hard it is to shake even a lie. She has been accused so often and so long, not only by her ex, but by those “friends” who still hang out with him, that she feels guilty quite often and especially when paths cross with those people.

There is only one way to get free of this nasty business so that Janet can one day march right into that same store, go to that same gas station, eat at that same restaurant, and do so in confident courage. And that one remedy is to be set free from the guilt and shame these evil ones put on us. And I can tell you that the ONLY One who can free Janet of this, is…..no, it isn’t Janet. It is the Lord Jesus Christ. As He works in us, as we experience His love and forgiveness for our own sins (which we all have), slowly but surely, guess what? That fear begins to dissipate. Why? Because as the love of Christ in us is perfected more and more, the fear of punishment evaporates more and more.

I know that one of the chief tools that the Lord has used in these things in my own life was not some earth-shaking mountaintop experience, but the regular, in-depth study of His Word and the sanctifying work of His Spirit in me. The process moves along unseen – you may not even realize it is happening. But the time comes when one day you realize – hey, I’m not afraid anymore. So what if I run into those enemies – their accusations are false and cannot harm me any longer.

You can immerse yourself in God’s Word by taking advantage of the many excellent teaching tools we have available to us. Load the Martyn Lloyd-Jones Trust app on your computer or phone and start listening, Bible open, to his sermons. Reading the sermons of John Calvin has been a giant help to me. Or come and join me as I teach mid-week studies through Ephesians, Revelation, and Romans on sermonaudio.com/crc or at our youtube channel, Light for Dark Times. As Lloyd Jones so often said, “stop listening to yourself and start talking to yourself.” What he meant was, talk the Word of God to yourself rather than continually replaying those false thoughts the enemy throws at you.

It really is true. Fear and punishment (guilt) are destroyed by the love of God which is in Christ Jesus. He is the only remedy we need.

RASNs are not Rare

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On November 13, 2023

In Churches/Church Response, Narcissist, RASN

Gen 18:29-33 Again he spoke to him and said, “Suppose forty are found there.” He answered, “For the sake of forty I will not do it.” (30) Then he said, “Oh let not the Lord be angry, and I will speak. Suppose thirty are found there.” He answered, “I will not do it, if I find thirty there.” (31) He said, “Behold, I have undertaken to speak to the Lord. Suppose twenty are found there.” He answered, “For the sake of twenty I will not destroy it.” (32) Then he said, “Oh let not the Lord be angry, and I will speak again but this once. Suppose ten are found there.” He answered, “For the sake of ten I will not destroy it.” (33) And the LORD went his way, when he had finished speaking to Abraham, and Abraham returned to his place.

The people of Sodom were thoroughly wicked (although not as wicked as the people of the towns in the days of Jesus, Luke 10:13). But Abraham thought that surely there must be a few righteous people there and so his “countdown” prayer from 50 to 10 began. It turns out that only Lot and a few family members were to be rescued. Only Lot. Not even ten.

Think similarly of the evil in Noah’s day. Not even ten.

Now, not all of these wicked people were the kind we call RASNs, although I suppose some aspect of at least one of the 4 categories (revilers, abusers, sociopaths, narcissists) were evidenced in them. But the point I want us to see is how widespread, and one might even say, “universal,” wicked people were…and are.

RASNs in other words are not rare. In EVERY one of the 4 churches I have pastored, they were present. I didn’t fully understand it at the time and I wouldn’t for many years, but I know now that these people who assault with their words, who are defined by a stunning mentality of entitlement and superiority, who have no conscience and no love, who only use others to supply there demand for adoration…are anything but rare. They are everywhere. They are, with rare exception, in every local church parading themselves in disguise. The grief and damage they cause is beyond measuring.

Just think a bit about how, in our naivete and wrong-thinking, we so often lay a foundation and environment for these RASNs to operate. What do we reward in the church? What measures do we use for “success”? What kind of people do we place into leadership positions? When we get these things wrong, we cultivate fertile ground for wickedness to flourish. We create a structure, a ladder if you will, for evil men and women to climb to the top. That is precisely how Rome ended up with a Pope. But there are many, many mini-popes operative even in evangelical, Protestant churches today. They may hold official offices, or just as commonly choose to operate covertly and “unofficially.”

We must open our eyes and without partiality apply the truths which expose these evil ones who creep in among us:

  • Devoid of love
  • Produce rotten fruit
  • Focus upon external rules and work to enforce those rules

Here comes, for instance, the new fellow and his family. He is gifted in a number of areas. He is a champion of sound doctrine. He is a talented professional in his career. We are excited about having such a new addition to our church. But…

…Over time there are a number of caution signs which we should be seeing. We see them, but we don’t see them. We blow them off. And as we do, such a person works and works to establish his or her own kingdom. We become slaves, suckers for flattery. Those of you who have been in a marriage with such a person have experienced these very things in that setting.

RASNs are not rare! And I have concluded that with extremely rare exceptions, any local church today that is, let’s say 100 or 200 people in size – has capitulated to one or more of them. Think on this very, very carefully. Let’s say that you were a new pastor and your first assignment was…Sodom. What would/should be the size of your church? 50? 45? 30? 20? 10? Or maybe just one and a couple of his family members. Apply this question to Noah’s time. What would be the size of your church if you without compromise preached God’s Word and confronted counterfeits? 50? 45? 30? 20? 10? The answer is, eight. That’s all. Just eight and before Noah was married and had children, the answer was one. Maybe two.

And what do you suppose would be the evaluation of your pastoral peers or of the leaders of your denomination, if you were a member of one (I reject denominations now, but I save the reasons for another article)? I can tell you. You would be marked as a failure. It’s your fault. You are a failure. You haven’t worked on a “vision.” You didn’t “trust the Lord” for 50 new baptisms. Whatever you are preaching isn’t working.

RASNs are not rare. I certainly am not saying that a local church which is very small in numbers is necessarily free of this evil, but I can tell you that a church with a large number of members (I will let you define “large.” My definition is…more than a few!)…a church with a large number of members in our day is evidencing the symptoms of …what shall we call the disease…foolish Galatianism. “O foolish Galatians, who has bewitched you?”

The RASN in the Pulpit

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On November 10, 2023

In Blog News, False Teaching, Narcissist, RASN

Head on over to Light for Dark Times where you can read my blog by this title. You can find it HERE.

False Forgiveness as Accusation

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On November 6, 2023

In Counseling, Evil

1Jn 1:9 If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

The Lord’s forgiveness is always genuine. It is applied to the truly repentant sinner. When we sin, as the Apostle John says here, and we genuinely confess our sin, the Lord is always, always, always faithful to forgive us. Further, He remains righteous in doing so. His forgiveness is not just some winking at sin, but because of the Cross of Christ our sins are paid for.

But RASNs (revilers, abusers, sociopaths, narcissists) not only refuse to confess their sin, they project their own evil upon others. Blaming, guilting, accusing. They are never wrong.

And sometimes, in a hypocritical show of “godliness,” they inform us that they “forgive” us. The sin is theirs, but they lay it to our account. And that is what this false forgiveness is – an accusation. For forgiveness to be announced, some sin must have been committed – only in this warped twist of reality, the real sinner becomes the forgiver! The innocent becomes the forgiven!

False forgiveness as accusation works as a two-edged sword. It props up the shame image of saintliness in the wicked, and it transfers guilt from the guilty to the innocent. This devilish business is worse than open, hostile accusation because it operates as part of a honey-dripping disguise worn by a very wicked person.

Picture it this way – think of Satan telling the Lord, “I forgive you for all of the wrongdoing you have done to me.” The thing is ludicrous of course, but in fact that is the same thing the RASN does with this false forgiveness business.

The mask of piety will quickly come off when we turn to focus from how we supposedly sinned against the RASN, and insist that we talk about the sins of the RASN against us. So don’t wear the guilt and blame which this diabolic devise is designed to put on you. False forgiveness is a false accusation and it is important that we see it as such.

My Dogs are More Human than a Narcissist

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On November 2, 2023

In Abusers, Narcissist, RASN, Supporting Victims

2Ti 3:1-4 But realize this, that in the last days difficult times will come. (2) For men will be lovers of self, lovers of money, boastful, arrogant, revilers, disobedient to parents, ungrateful, unholy, (3) unloving, irreconcilable, malicious gossips, without self-control, brutal, haters of good, (4) treacherous, reckless, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God;

Focus in on “unloving” in this diabolical list.

We have two dogs – Cinder and Mocha. Previously we had Sadie and Sasha for many years and before them, Brandy and Buster. Our dogs love us. No question about it – dogs are capable of love. Every morning they greet us excitedly as if they hadn’t seen us for a year. They lay down on the couch beside us and put their head in our lap. If we are going somewhere, they plead to go with us.

A classic characteristic of a narcissist (or for that matter, the other categories abbreviated by RASN – revilers, abusers, and sociopaths) – is that they are absolutely incapable of love. They have an astonishing mentality of superiority and entitlement. They are the center of their universe. They use others as a supply of exaltation for themselves. As human beings, they are supposed to love. But they don’t – anything that looks like love in them is just a facade. RASNs are beasts. I won’t say they are animals because that would be an insult to animals. RASNs are sub-human in many ways.

It is sadly common that domestic abusers, for instance, are cruel to animals. One reason is simply because they know their human victim loves that pet and is also loved by that pet. So they want to hurt their spouse by hurting what they love. But I think there is another reason as well. They are cruel to the family dog, for instance, because that dog is more human than they are. That beloved dog makes the abuser look bad because, unlike the evil person, the dog does what a human should do – it loves others.

I think that a very excellent way a surviving and recovering abuse victim can be helped is to have a pet that is high enough up the animal kingdom ladder that it is capable of love. Bob Wiley (What about Bob?) talks to his pet goldfish, but I don’t think a goldfish is going to be a big help in this business. I realize that not all people are able to have a dog, nor do all people have a desire to have one, but I can tell you – a dog (or maybe a cat as an alternative?) is a powerful means of regaining a sense of being loved. I don’t know much of anything about what a service dog does or the theory behind service animals – but I’ll bet this aspect of loving their human is a big part of it.

It is not pleasant to finally come to the realization that someone who was supposed to love you, never did. Doesn’t. Never will. RASNs don’t love, and you can be sure that living year after year with such a “person” (quotes to indicate RASNs are really sub-persons)…you can be sure that it will have a very negative effect on you. Think about it. The vibes are constantly sent out like sonar waves – “you are not worth loving. You have no value. You never do anything right.” Day, after day, after day until the person you once were virtually fades out.

Contrast that with a furry friend who bounces up and down, gives you a few licks, and shows you that you are the center of his world. That is love and the amazing thing is that it is coming from an animal – and never came from the human being who once claimed to love you. Who is more human?

The Key to a Clear Conscience

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On October 30, 2023

In Biblical Teaching, Counseling

If we neglect the truth of justification (by faith alone in Christ alone), we lose everything. Therefore, it is most necessary that we teach and repeat this above everything else. We cannot have justification urged upon us too often or too much. Even if we learn it and understand it well, none of us grasps it perfectly or believes it with his whole heart. Our flesh is so frail and is often disobedient to the Spirit.

Martin Luther, Commentary on Galatians

When we have to deal with a RASN (reviler, abuser, sociopath, narcissist), we find ourselves under regular accusation, shaming, and condemnation. If that source of attack were not enough to overwhelm us, our own frail flesh, as Luther calls it, frequently calls our past sins to mind. At these times we do easily regress into what Luther calls an “active idea of righteousness” which is dependent upon our own works. And in that realm we will only find further condemnation and torment.

The righteousness of Christ is a passive righteousness. It is a righteousness before God which is not obtained through active working on our own to merit His approval. Rather, the approval of God which we call justification or being made right with God, ONLY comes from the performance and work of Jesus Christ. That righteousness is then, by faith and as a gift, credited or imputed to us. This is the only way to be made just before God.

Now, even genuine Christians – people who have truly been born again by faith alone in Christ alone – even we have difficulty grasping this amazing good news. When, as Luther points out, the enemy comes along accusing us and reminding us of our past sins, we can very easily slide into this active righteousness/works way of thinking. I think of the sins I have committed in my life, all of which Satan is very ready to remind me of, and I am ashamed and my conscience terrorizes me.

But while it is right to be ashamed of our sin – as Paul remembered he himself was the chief of sinners because he had persecuted the church – it is a great error to conclude that the Lord is disgusted with and ashamed of me due to the things I have done. Your RASN will happily feed such thinking through his accusations and guilting.

If you are a Christian, then you are not who you used to be. You have been born again and made a new creation in Christ. The Lord is now your Father and you are His beloved child. And most important – you are clothed with a perfect, flawless righteousness by which you have been declared justified before God. It didn’t come from your performance, but entirely from Christ’s perfect obedience to God’s Law for you. And it is a REAL righteousness truly given to you so that it is your own possession, given freely as a gift received by faith, unmerited.

So, we must run from that active, works based righteousness thinking whenever it rears itself up in our minds. Of course our performance in this world has been at times quite shoddy and shameful, and while we now must still battle against sin by the Spirit within us, nevertheless, my standing with God is not at all founded upon my own performance. Not by things which I have done – nope. But by all that Jesus has done. And therein you have the key to a conscience set at peace.

The Totalitarian Regime of the RASN

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On October 28, 2023

In Abusers

Head on over to my blog at lightfordarktimes.com to read this important post – The Totalitarian Regime of the RASN

The Mantra “But We are All Sinners” is an Evil Statement

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On October 25, 2023

In Biblical Teaching, Churches/Church Response, Evil, False Teaching, Supporting Victims

Rom 6:1-2 What shall we say then? Are we to continue in sin so that grace may increase? (2) May it never be! How shall we who died to sin still live in it?

A friend who is pretty fed up with the predominance of a false gospel and counterfeit churches sent this to me recently. It was a sign she saw in a place where a “church” apparently met under a second sign that said “Coffee and Church, the Perfect Blend.” But here is the sign she pointed out to me – “Always pray to have eyes that see the best in people. A heart that forgives the worst, a mind that forgets the bad, and a soul that never loses faith in God.” [Insert vomit mojie here] In other words, always pray that God will strike you with blindness to evil. So apparently these people regard themselves as better Christians that Jesus?

Some years ago when a denominational leader and his wife were visiting us, I outlined the main thesis of my book, Unholy Charade to them, explaining how the domestic abuser so often hides among us in disguise. I told them that this was a particularly wicked form of evil, quite different in its nature and hardness that the typical sinner. Without hesitation, they replied, “But we are all sinners. How can you say one kind is worse than another?” (Note: Jesus Himself said it, for example, when he told the people of Capernaum, and other such cities, that their sin was greater than that of Sodom).

But you have heard this thing over and over again, right? Here, for example, is a husband who is an abuser and a counterfeit Christian and his wife/victim comes to the pastor or to a supposed Christian friend and tells them what is really going on in her home behind the scenes. What is she told? “You know, you aren’t perfect either. Look to your own sin and be forgiving. We are all sinners.” And so the wicked one skates.

John Calvin addressed this very thing centuries ago in a sermon preached on Galatians 6:2-5. He said that this excuse for evil – “We are all sinners” – is actually just that – a statement that excuses everyone for their ongoing, habitual sin. Why do people so often say “we all sin”? It is because this claim excuses their own sin. Here is Calvin:

If I say, ‘This is the thing all are doing – everyone else does it, I am seeking to exempt myself from judgment. I am searching for substitutes who can make good for me before God. But who are they? This ‘everyone who is doing it?’ Each person has enough encumbrances of their own; they are all more than guilty already. How then, can they bear my burden when I throw it upon their shoulders? Is it not therefore, great folly to produce such people as my guarantors when I stand before God? ‘Look at them, Lord, everyone is doing it – so I am not so bad.’ Yet I am seeking to satisfy God by saying that I merely followed the common path, and thus seeking to exempt myself on account of all the rest.

When we say, ‘but we are all sinners,’ we have made ‘everyone’ shields to protect US from God. We act as if the outcome of defying God is in doubt as to who will win. Customs, habits, even lawful (according to man’s laws) practices, ancient rites – where do all these things come from? They exist because men want to be wiser than God, though they are carried along by wicked lusts and though they seek only to give themselves free rein and a license to do evil.

Sermons on Galatians, Banner of Truth Trust

Therefore, as Calvin points out, we cannot claim to have excuses through others who will, on the day when we all stand before God, step forward and in our supposed defense tell Him, “Oh yes, I did that too. We all did it. Don’t go so hard on this poor fellow. We are all sinners.”

Do you see how wicked this “But we are all sinners” business is? Let’s say it again – when someone recites this claim and tells the victim of abuse, for instance, that because “we are all sinners, you are a sinner just like your abuser,” the victim must forgive, be patient, stop judging – what they are really doing is excusing their own sin! They are, as Calvin observed, throwing sinful mankind in the face of God as their defense for their own sin. “God, this is the thing that is done in the world. We are all sinners. You know that. So cut me some slack. I am only human and human beings sin. It’s normal.”

This is why people cling to this horrible claim – “We are all sinners.” It is a facade by which they are trying to evade their own condemnation before God. If everyone is doing it, then it can’t really be that bad. “Go home,” they say to the victim, “and stop being so judgmental.”

This is a huge part of the reason why the visible church is filled with unregenerate people who are walking in sin without repentance, yet being assured that God loves them all no matter what. Preach that lie and you fill the pews. But the pews stink, and God sees it all.

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