One of the most common ways that a Christian is persecuted today is in the scenario of a Christian who is married to a non-Christian. Very often the unsaved spouse, the abuser, parades himself or herself as an eminent Christian, but is really only a Saul. And at the root of the abuse is a fear of Christ, as the abuser sees that the Spirit of Christ is in the victim, and a hatred for Christ and thus for the victim.
As I am contacted by abuse victims who are Christians, and usually it is the wife – I am learning this to be true. And it is something that the victims often have not yet realized. Here is the root cause of the abuse –
Author: Jeff Crippen Page 82 of 88
Eph 5:15-17 Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise, (16) making the best use of the time, because the days are evil. (17) Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is.
I just watched a trailer for a new movie, “Forever My Girl,” and recognized what I believe is the same old, same old, same old line that domestic abuse victims are handed – especially Christian domestic abuse victims. Here is the blurb describing the storyline:
One of the biggest country stars in the world, Liam Page, left his bride, Josie, at the altar 8 years ago, choosing fame and fortune instead. However, Liam has never gotten over Josie, his one true love….As he attempts to reclaim everything he loved and lost, Josie does her best to keep him out of her heart, but life has one more surprise waiting for Liam, one that could change everything, in this heartwarming look at love, family and second chances.
Now, yes, you can call me negative, pessimistic, and accuse me of raining on everyone’s parade as they get sucked up into the fantasy world that this movie is going to present, but then I look at hard facts through the lens of hard experience.
The scene in the preview that I watched which really made me jump out of my chair and head for the blog to write this article is the scene in a church service. The preacher is up front, stained glass behind him, dishing out the old “love forgives all things” line. What a rush! But wait, “forgives all things”? This line has a deviously wicked, dark magic in it. Suddenly the onus for reconciling is removed from the wicked one and placed upon the shoulders of the victim.
In the movie, I suspect, all ends wonderfully. Happy ever after. The audiences in the theaters will applaud. Tears will be shed. Liam and Josie are finally together.
Now, you can correct me if you watch the movie and see it differently. But only if somehow the trailer I watched does not reflect the story line of the movie accurately. I am not interested in hearing from people who want to mount the soapbox of “it’s true! People can change! We are to forgive everyone and everything.”
I also realize that there are people who profess to be Christians who will be all upset because I am, they say, making a mountain out of a mole hill. Nope. This is already a mountain. Over and over and over again, churches and people who claim to follow Christ place the heavy, ungodly burden of “forgiveness” on victims of wicked people who have no intention of changing or repenting. And more, they demand that victims must reconcile in relationship with such people. That is to say, the victim must always remain in the abusive marriage “because God can change anyone.” These are all fantastical lies.
This is a movie. It is not reality. The Liams do not exist in real life. Liam is a slimeball who chose the world over his vow to a young woman, and now he blows back into town wanting it all back. In the movie you can be sure that he will play his role as a sincere, sorry, repentant, humble guy and you are gonna “just love him.” The poor fellow. Come on, Josie! Take him back!
It sounds like in the movie she does. But in real life when the wicked say “I am so sorry, I will never do that again, I love you and I just don’t know why I keep treating you like trash,” we are wise to proceed with extreme caution. Because the fact is, he will do it again. And again. And again.
The following is taken from the third chapter (pp 63-4) of my book, A Cry for Justice (2012). This event happened to me way back in 1982 when I was a police officer in the Portland, Oregon area. (I am the officer who stayed with Judy, the victim). Myself and a second officer responded to a domestic disturbance call, and this is what happened –
Acts 5:1-2 But a man named Ananias, with his wife Sapphira, sold a piece of property, (2) and with his wife’s knowledge he kept back for himself some of the proceeds and brought only a part of it and laid it at the apostles’ feet.
It is not my intent to teach that Sapphira was married to an abuser. I simply cite this scripture as an illustration of a wife taking the side of her husband in an evil matter. Both were held accountable.
Nor am I teaching here that a victim of domestic abuse who does not actively expose her abuser is going to be counted guilty by the Lord. We all know, I trust, that “just leaving” an abuser is no easy matter and sometimes, for a time, it is impossible.
But I do want to discuss here a subject that I have come across personally numerous times, namely, cases in which the wife of a domestic abuser actively defends the abuser and even participates in his abuse of their children and of other people. All of the cases I have dealt with have been in the local church and in which the abuser and spouse claimed to be Christians.
The following is taken in part from my book, A Cry For Justice. Please read carefully and you will learn that domestic violence and abuse are far, far more than “wife battering,” or some difficult guy who gets drunk on Saturday nights. This evil is much more devilishly sophisticated than that:
In all of its forms, what are the fundamental elements present? Let’s define it.
I have now been a pastor for nearly 36 years. There have been many times in this stretch of over 3 decades that I though I should “move on” to another career, or at least times of deep regret that I ever left my job as a police officer. I have missed the camaraderie of the uniform and to some degree still do.
I was a police officer on a Friday (after 14 years in law enforcement) and a pastor in the mountains of Montana just two days later. My family and I packed up our goods and headed out on the new adventure after I finished up my theological studies in graduate school.
I loved Montana. Hunting, fishing, snowmobiling, firewood cutting, the mountains and the lakes. Step out our door and fish in the stream. Oh sure, we didn’t have hardly any money, but this place felt like home – for a short time.
The problem wasn’t Montana. Nope. The problem was the church. Or more specifically, the majority of the people who made up that church. As I look back, I now realize that only a handful of them were genuine believers. Over the next 8 years I experienced constant friction, constant tension, repeated blowups, efforts to destroy the church by evil people, and more.
It would be the same in two more churches for the next 20 plus years.
1Co 10:13 No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.
This passage of Scripture is often misapplied to keep victims of domestic abusers in bondage. However, in this post I want to focus upon God’s promise of “the way of escape.” Obviously it is God’s will that when we are in a trial or test and we see a way of escape, we take it! After all, God Himself provides it!
Now, there are people who claim to be Christians who will tell you that it is always better (and in fact that God requires it) to remain in the trial. Even “unto death.” In other words, they promote martyrdom. Of course they are characterized by the ever-present double standard of the abuser. No way would they become a martyr, but you are required to be one.
Dealing With the Abuser – First Deal With Yourself
Sermon 16 from the series: The Psychology and Methods of Sin
A 21 sermon series on domestic violence and abuse
First given on November 7, 2010
Sermon Text: 1 Corinthians 5
It shall not be so among you. These are our Lord’s words – His command! There is no place in Christ’s Church for “lording it over” another person. Greatness in Christ’ s kingdom is measured in servanthood – with Jesus Himself as the supreme model, becoming obedient even to death for us.
The abusive man, of course, knows nothing of this – or what little he may know, he abhors. Lording it over his victims is what he is all about. He controls his victim by –
- using jealousy
- withholding love
- ignoring her feelings or belittling them
- calling her derogatory names
- telling her she is worthless and stupid, lazy, or ugly
- telling her that other people
- say the same things about her
- humiliating her in front of others
- denying her reality, perceptions, beliefs, and values
And in many, many more ways.
The following is a reply I wrote to a lady we’ll call Linda, who asked an excellent question about the meaning of 1 Peter 3:1-7 in light of Abraham’s encounter with Pharaoh when he instructed Sarah to say she was his sister. Anyway, here is the answer to Linda. Let me know what you think.
John 10:26-28 but you do not believe because you are not among my sheep. (27) My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me. (28) I give them eternal life, and they will never perish, and no one will snatch them out of my hand.
It is absolutely crucial that we regularly remind ourselves regarding the difference between the visible church and the true church. Otherwise we are going to get into all kinds of trouble.
With some sad frequency I hear from people who profess to be Christians and who have been mistreated or abused in their church, and as a result they speak of “the church” as being hypocritical, condemning, unloving, unforgiving. Recently one such person said that they would rather hang out with the most wicked in the world rather than having anything to do with “the church.” Why? Because, as she said, “the church” is condemning and judgmental and hypocritical. Better to have worldlings as companions than those in “the church.”
Do you see the problem? This lady lumps all who profess to know Christ together into one big mass and calls it “the church.” She fails to differentiate between the visible church and the invisible church. So let’s clear this up.